People say we need religion;
We need "god".
To help us, to guide us, and to keep us safe.

Buy I believe life would be easier,
Without religion.
If people would just realize,
They don't need some grand figure to tell them to not be a ****.
You have more willpower than you know.

You can stop your bad ways or habits without "God".

Just don't stop.
But some people arnt strong enough-
They are weaker.

They lack the willpower to realize there is no "Grand plan"
If there is a "God", he left a long time ago.

You are free to make your own plan.

You are in control of your own life.

Things I'm scared of-
Falling in love,
Falling out of love,
Being forgotten,
... the jack in the box man.

Scratch that last one.
But I'm still scared.
Since I got back from the hospital,
Everything scares me...
Love scares me.

I'm with someone; yes you steven.
And yes I'm scared.
You know how I can get so down
That I can't get back up.

But you are scared too.
That I'll leave you.
You're scared of me, that I'll hurt myself.
You are scared to know my past and my mind, cause maybe...
It'll be too much for you,
My problems will become your problems.
And you'll feel just as ****** as I do...

Open mouth kisses
with bed time wishes
that every day i can make him smile
it's been a while

But love me
To love me
it's not that hard
i'll take anything from you
cause loving you is enough

We have our times
we act tough
but we both have flaws
demons to hide
but yours play well with mine

open mouth kisses
and bed time wishes
your cloths smell like me
and mine like you

sometimes...
i wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm not dead,
mostly...
I was in the hospital for a while.
I'm back now! :)

"The people around me,
They don't know yet.
they don't know..."
That you're the only one...
"Only one---- only one--"
-Look AT US!!!
"I DO!!!"
WE ARE REAL
      I cover my face,
I've started rocking again.
... Something to sooth an infant,
so why not me?
Because 'we' are here
No...
Say it, where WE can hear you
"no... No... NO! NOOO, No---- no, no, no."

I feel my fathers hands on my shoulders
shaking me, awake.
Another nightmare, I hear.
He holds me in his arms,
drenched in fear and sweat.
They've gone...

She keeps me
From keeping thoughts
In my head

She smothers out
My flames of chaos

Do you feel your hands, tight----------
... Around my neck?
Do you see my face,
the same shade of purple
... To go with the walls.
!!! YOU SAID YOU'D PAINT ME !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
-­---------------------------------------------------
-------------­-------------------------------
So,
Why is black and blue
... The only color, in your life?
And I still don't know you--------
Know me?
... And I could NEVER
write about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
­---------------------------------------------------
-------------­-----------------------
Do you hear yourself, how---
How can you paint me?
Do you see your face?
My face, the same face.
Staring back at you...

The same blue eyes,
And a different mirror.

Actions
Speak louder,
than words!?!
... But not in my case.

Never could a poet's actions;
be anywhere near,
the volume of their words.
Which are SCREAMED,
Louder than ANY action could!

Not only do our words
speak louder,
But they evoke EMOTION.
Letting you feel...
what we felt.
So you FEEL our pain...

So

Look us in the eyes...
& See if you can utter,
"ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS"

Follow The Leader,
I play.
... Lost as a dog.
Wandering,
through a dense fog.
*
A girl without a voice,
born to follow...
not to rejoice.-------------------------------------------
-------------­--------------------------
But now,
He tags along.
And before long, you see...
what he sees.
Following the leader,
as he plays.---------------------------------------------
-------------­---------------------------
Only two,
and one behind.
Only when I realize,
I wasn't born to lead.
...Do I see, that he;

Is following me.

I'm not focusing on the fact of how much
work I have to get finished, by tomorrow.
Because if I DO I'll freak out.
I just focus on getting it done... Not how much.
Chemistry-----
Math----
S#!t...
I can't do it...
I'm smart.
I'm awesome.
I got this.
...
Probably

I know I'm different,
Believe me it's true...
I've been through
too much,
You-------

Ever since I was little
I was taught NOT to trust people... they will hurt you.
They are Sick, Perverted, Homicidal, Suicidal;
From **** to A *******.

But now...
I'm scared of everyone
terrified
but I ignore it & act like a 'People' person.

Moving through my head,
like I'm neck deep in mud.
eyes foggy & ears ringing,
losing feeling in my fingers...
'cause I'm gripping my head,
breathing air that's hot
--like fire
Did I close my eyes,
I never can tell.
trembling, I whisper important things.
~keep a hold of your head, PROTECT it~
I lower my head, my life, between my knees;
ragged puffs of air STING when they hit my legs
the floor drops, the mud gets thicker
'til I am encased in it,
in my head,
I'm stuck floating in this fuzzy sensation.

Somethings changed
& the space around me
is whisked away,  I fall
but only an inch or two.
dirt in my hair,
my body is now bare...
but I don't feel the need to cover myself.
My feet frozen,
but I stand, start to walk, then a little faster,
I run & all I hear is the sound of my feet
hitting the linoleum floor------
I know I'm in a narrow hall
even though I can't see.
Smell of disinfectant and stainless steel----
monitors beep and some flat line,
that's when I feel a breeze, more footsteps,
like mine but heavier, faster... w/more urgency.
I stop running, just before a door.
I see it only at the very edge of my vision,
it opens the moment I look away,
this room smells different
I take a step inside maybe two...
before I had the chance to close the door,
someone closes it for me...
I beat at the door 'til my hands bloodied------
I knew... but still I came... & the door never opened.

Today is the day I end someones life.

For a span of 2 to 12 years,
will I feel guilt... through the span of those years?
Will I feel something when he gets out?

21...
I'll be around 21, when he gets out.

Not even the age he was,
when he put me in that awful position...

He ruined my life... kind of?
So isn't it fair that I ruin his?!?!?

If it is...
Why do I feel so guilty,
like i'm the monster.
F**K...

Stockholm's syndrome?

When it comes for the weekend,
I'm happy to have a short break
from the hectic daily life of school.
...but
I'm grounded, stuck in my room.
Netflix, Youtube, and video games
help distract me...
...but
I feel really lonely.
so inexplicably lonely.

I talk to myself,
my father isn't fond of it.

Will I really end up alone...
like he tells me, when I talk to myself.

... I answer no

But, when no one is around...
does it matter who I talk to?

Because...

I'd rather talk aloud, to myself, so I know...
That my thoughts are my own.

I'm in that 'mood' again...
so hold on, because there is a flood coming... tomorrow!

(Some of us **** & Some of us want to be killed.)
       Most are caught in the crossfire of life and death.
A few find a pattern.

How emotions can control us and push us so far.

        More than you would think,
Don't feel at all; Those like me.


We learn to 'fake' emotions.
And we are so empty and desperate to feel...
To feel; love, fear, happiness,
anger, sadness, joy,
and even pain.
We inflict others pain,
in hopes to feel the same.

But to no prevail,
we run out of options...
Any other option but,
DEATH.

Her laugh,
it tickles the back of my throat.
Strands of her hair,
get caught in our lips.
I bite her,
to quiet myself.
But the sound she makes,
shook me to the core.

   Drugs, ***, and Rock n' Roll.
But not in that order.

   The windows fog,
the car stalls;
My face,
buried in her neck.
Her mouth on mine;
My shoulder, collar bone, neck,------

    She takes a moment,
to look at myself.
Empty words tell me,
I'm "Beautiful".
And the look in her eyes,
scare me to death.

     Her car smells like a 'One-night Stand',
but her eyes hope for something more.

My heart stops
& I have to check,
Just one more time.
I know it's not him,
But I'm terrified either way.
      I hate it,
When they look at me.
When 'he' looks at me,
Watching me...
      I know he does,
Because I'm on edge.
He threatens my family,
with nothing more than a stare.

& I want to run.

Pink converse,
white tights,
And she's just hanging there.

I don't dare disturb her,
because somehow I knew
She wasn't real.

(My Mind Questions It)

So I peek...
Peek under the stall door,
to see nothing in it's place.

A tile floor.
Something thick,
it's covering every inch.
But, it is naked to my eyes.

The air is heavy.
Breathing in dense fog
and nothing comes out.

Who was she,
and why would my Hallucination be her death?
In suicide.

No one listens to me.
When I say someone bothers me, don't take it lightly!
By 'Bother me',
I mean they disrupt my entire being.
They make me want to peel my skin off; to let my anger take over.
I feel like I'll explode!

It makes me so unsure of who I am,
almost to where I can't control myself.

An endless game of Hide n' Seek.
Don't you see,
My hiding place !?
It's not hard to find.
So, Why do you not hasten to me.
YOU MUST BE HIDDEN TOO!

Come with me,
For we must stick together.
As we all fear the cold, smothering belly of loneliness.
We shall confide in each other's pursuit for a common love.

When will this game end?
Before long...
For we now dread each other's company,
And long to be found.

The 'Game' turns into emotional torture.
We lost track of the ever burning sun.
Our memories become fabric
And
Our words cut out the shapes we need to keep warm.
Yet, The bitter cold is so ever tempting.

As our bodies together, like a great fire...
I realize-----
Only TWO were playing this 'Game'.

I read... Read till my mind is at ease.
To find proof of a terror greater than mine.
Fear the dark... Instead of the men knocking at the door,
always knocking.
Hide n' Seek, My mother and I would play... Every time
The men would knock.
Scream... At the sight of that mask, The mask your brother
would terrorize you with.
Instead of how mother acts as she drank...
And drank & drank, till she fell to the floor.
So I made a game of it...
'Quiet Lion', I whispered as I curled up next to my ill mother.
One day... My hunger got to me.
So, when the men knocked, I ran from my hiding place... & let them in.
Now the game was (Quiet Mouse Still Mouse),
Mother knew how I hated that game...
But I was FIVE & everything was a game.
I'd play house, When mother and I would switch places.
I never can remember us switching back----
Maybe, We're still playing...
If we are, She's really bad at Hide n' Seek.

I’ve dug into the root of every known emotion of man.
From mere happiness to dread and fear, it’s scary… Really!?
How we can feel, really feel, and how it can change us-
From innocent to tainted, good to evil.
And that you can also feel; feel for not only inanimate, living, or anything.
But you can feel for other people.
You can feel so strongly, that it shakes your soul.
And you can also…
Not feel-
Numbness, or is it a feeling?
It can over take your very being
And **** the life out of your eyes-
To where you don’t eat,
Don’t get out of bed,
And never open your eyes.
You just lay there, in a void that you yourself created…
But eventually you’ll pull yourself out…
Feeling, Feeling, Feeling.
Feelings are not the only thing… that I’ve dug into.
I’ve found more than anyone ever could.
Because, I look a little harder…
Free Will;
Is that what makes us different from the animals, evolution?
Free will.
The choice, the choice that is ours to make… or not make.
Some people find beauty in it.
But, some people find hell and torture in free will… The ones who can’t think for themselves.
In some ways-
I find them weak.
But also cunning, in a ‘Monkey see, Monkey do’ kind of way…
In spite of everything we know about Free will.
We still do not quite understand-
How Free-will makes us any
More or less… Human.

Just, Why?
I over analyze simple things, hoping for a better or worse outcome…
I look for answers, where there are none.
    Question;
If the universe in infinite, why do we find so many things… A great discovery?
When we haven’t even scratched the surface!
    Maybe…
I’m on the wrong side of the universe.
So, when will others learn that up isn’t up and down isn’t down?
     My mind is so vast.
But I am young, to an untrained eye.
I’m a writer, artist, and a poet…
I have lived and died so many times.
I’m a kid.
But I feel as if I’ve lived for thousands of years-

                                                                 So many lives!

I didn't want it,
not in any sense of the word.
Mom & Dad, I still have nightmares!
And when you bring it up... I lose myself.
I want to collapse into myself, to disappear.

Dad,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I don't hug you or kiss you goodnight anymore.
it's just, every time I do... I feel HIM.
I know it's you...
But I can't help but fall back; When I close my eyes & see that face...
HE stared down at me, HE didn't even look human.
And I'm different Because of THAT.

Mom,
IT'S made me paranoid!
I jump when someone grabs my arm...
And I don't know what to do?
I know, I made it seem one way... in hopes it would all go away.

But,
Mom & Dad...
                             I'm TERRIFIED!

I stare at the ground, no need for attention.
I don't want them to find me, to fixate on me.
So, I make myself small;
Just a smudge on a camera lens.
I won't make a sound.
Be something... not desired.
Don't show that you're scared.
Try and scare them, anything to shake them off!?
They have a tainted soul, all they do is hurt.
Their hands reach for me.
...Maybe if I wasn't so small, I could yell.
And someone would help me!?!?
But, They already forced their sin
down my throat & hands tight against my windpipe.
Why don't they fear me!?
My psychotic tendency's, nulled by my loss of consciousness.

I remember getting THAT call... every second.
I remember the STING of the cold air, against my skin.
The JAGGED stains of dirt on my jeans
When I FELL to the solid ground.
...Like I was just STABBED.
Dirt COVERED my hands, that could be mistaken for blood.

I could HEAR the sound... of my heart shattering.
An EXCRUCIATING wave of pain.
I couldn't BREATH.
Choking out tears & Stifled SOBS, until I was nothing.
But, a SMALL mess on the cold ground.

My eyes flicker OPEN,
"Did I JUST die? Am I dead?"
I FELT dead, and empty.
I feel an AWFUL numbness, take over MY body.
I look AT the sky, through scattered tree limbs.
Specks of WHITE fall on me.
My hot face stings WITH every speck.
...with EVERY newly made snowflake
I now see MY breath in front of me.
Staring at the SNOW as it falls.

I am nothing but a SHELL,
I am NOTHING without her.
I live FOR her.
So... HOW do I learn to, live without.
I wish for DEATH.
But, I get CONSTANT waves of numb and empty pain instead.

I hate HER and I can't stand her.
...But I NEED her.
So, NO matter how much she hurts me.
I'd APOLOGIZE for it, and she's killed me so many times.
That if she got MY blood on HER hands, I'd clean them.

I just CAN'T un-love her.

I question myself and reality.
Finding the worst possible outcome, then a hundred more.
When I feel safe, but then startled, I panic.
I go through the list, I made, of good things…
But, I can’t make any of the words out.
Nor can I speak, But I CAN scream.
I can kick, punch, and bite!
…Because I feel threatened!?
Oxygen fills my lungs.
Only to come out in Erratic, Choppy, Panting breaths.
I pull on my skin, to make sure it’s still there.
The others only give me a migraine.
And, I’ve only been here maybe… ten minutes.
But it felt like a LIFETIME.

& then I die, only to be born again…
                                                                                          & again.

One day…
The bird looked up into the sky, from the comfort of her nest.
As she looked to the sky,
She noticed the woman in the moon.
the woman smiled at her.
So every night she would look up at the woman,
Talking till the sun came up.
On one special night,
when the moon was closest to the bird and full,
the bird confessed her love to the woman in the moon.
The moon wept…
So the bird began to fly, closer and closer to the moon,
but as she did  the air became thin.
As the woman in the moon turned her back to the bird,
the bird began to fall.
Landing in a pit.
The entrance collapsed,
Trapping the bird.
… Her love was gone,
                                               She would never see the moon again.

~Moral or Lesson: Do not fall in love, because eventually you will be hurt.

Love is some
peoples favorite
four letter word
and the Topic
of a major poets mind
but
love can be
guilt,
happiness,
and dread,
it can make you feel powerful
but even worthless.
when you lose it,
its a feeling you cant describe
with mere words
let alone a get well card
And when you
love someone
REALLY love someone
with all of your being
and when that's lost
You feel the whole world
weighing down on you
maybe you find another
eventually
but you're scared
scared that you'll butcher it
and wind up some
Play-thing
that is tossed away
when they find
a shiny new toy
but I'm not her toy,
Maybe I was to Brooke,
But Brenna is different.
She has so much love
in her heart
she tries more than anything
just to hear my voice
she takes care of me
I don't feel like a pawn
Or a second choice
to her I come first
Her love is real
Not that Brooke's wasn't
But Brenna's doesn't
cause me pain
or panic attacks
She is a rush of everything
she makes me calm....

I do not like...
                                     not knowing.

Not knowing,
if our lives have meaning.
If our words are just spoken or heard.

If the wish I made on that star,
when I was seven,
ever came true.

Or if moms kisses
really made those scrapes and bruises
heal faster.

Did the tooth fairy
really trade common currency
for my baby teeth?
                                              Or
The bunny hide things
just for me to find...

I wish I knew,
But there are NEVER enough stars...
For the questions,
I wished to know.

I caught her staring at me again
I can't quite place
A name to the expression
she has when I catch her
looking
but it's different from when
she doesn't know i'm watching her
watching me
from the corner of my eye

She never brought up the 'notes'
even the one I wrote out of rage
I don't remember putting it
into her bag

But is she afraid
curious
spiteful
disgusted
What name can I for a fact
put to the face she makes
when she stares

And when I catch her

Never again,
will my lucky numbers be:
17, 23, 19, 21...
My stomach turns,
when I turn the volume to 27.
... So I lower it to 16.
3 letters that scare me,
5 weeks for a life to decay.
One deer smiling
the other solemn,
eyes glazed over.
I am within the stars.
Orion, but without his belt.
I count the stars,
one, two, three, four----
A bug buzzes in my ear...
And I come down falling,
like a shooting start.
But it's not a beautiful sight.
And the bug,
The bug had to of stung me----
Because it hurts.
My eyes are closed...
But I have to ***.
I must make my legs leave.
Fast.
GO.
NOW!
AS FAST AS YOU CAN...
... just run?
I'm here...
The bug bite stings,
I want to sleep.
To dream,
A dream better than this!
But flash backs from the stars
Plague my mind-----.
I didn't dream...
I didn't dream a dream
better than this...
The bite is gone,
but it left a mark.
A mark the size of
a 7 to 8 year sentence.
And I used to love riding my bike.
But now...
I can't stand the sound it makes.
The seat.
The handle bars.
How at any moment,
The peddle could make you crash...
SCRAPPED, CRASHED, BURNED.
I'm safe...
'Not safe yet', Police say.
I hear chatter over their radios.
Why can't I tune everything out?
... Why lie,
But the truth was never any better.

And my eyes,
Why are they so dull and grey?
I could have sworn,
they were bright blue,
Like the sky...
But there's no color left.
3 letters that scared me...
3 letters that took away,
the color in my eyes...

I was walking from the class
Next to my math class before the bell rings
I see charlese and answer her question
She stops me while saying "your mascara is running"
She has one hand holding the side of my face
Time stops when I feel her touch
Mainly I was startled and confused
I flinched
She uses her thumb
To wipe away at the corner of my eye
I'm stiff and frozen in place
For a split second our eyes meet
She lets her hand fall
And I come back to earth in a dense fog ------------
She smiles/laughs
Our legs go at the same time but her leading
As we act like nothing happened
We walk into class I sit down
Still in a haze...
Nothing happened--------
So why does my heart ache?

The eraser erased my bad habits
While the pencil drew in new ones
The glue stick glued on a whole new face
As the scissors cut away my background and past
The ball point pen then made the changes permanent
While the colored pencils shaded in my body
The calculator changed my way of thinking
As the sharpener grazed over my rough edges
Finally, the ruler
I had to measure up to your standards
Now me and you
We walk, talk and think the same
Two moving as one
I don't even know who I've become
What I was before
You've changed me more than you'll ever know

I am one of many
Small branches of a broken tree
Always looking to the ones above
For guidance, strength and security.
One little branch trying
To keep the others from breaking away
Who will fall?
And who will stay?
Now I stand alone
Looking at the earth through the rain
And I see the broken branches I knew
Scattered about me in pain.
There are those who have taken an axe
To the root of our very foundation
And who have passed this destruction
Down to every new generation.
If I could take that axe
I would toss it deep into the sea
Never to return again
To harm the generations that follow me.
I am one of many
But alone I will go
And plant the new seeds
Where a beautiful tree will grow.

I saw her during recess

And then again at lunch

I kinda liked to tease her

I'd always dodge her punch

I said I didn't like her

But it really wasn't true

I liked to be around her

Without her I was confused

Then at lunch we'd sit together

With our lunches made

From our broken families

**** I miss first grade

I sit in the floor.
My knees hugging my chest.
Everything masked by a thick fog.
My body covered in a second skin.
My head held under,
My hair dripping,
My mind buzzing.

But all I hear is the sound...
The sound of rushing water.

You look like your mother, they said
To be like her, I'd rather be dead
What mother you know would abandon her kids
Weeks at a time and leave no food there
A trifling mom who didn't seem to care
You was too high to realize that it would affect me over the years
Thought I'd be fine but for many nights shed tears
Having to move from place to place with different relatives
Living with them was a dead giveaway
When you took your love away it felt like God closed a door that day
Over the years I've endured so much pain
Even when the sun was shining mine was filled with rain
You left a scar on my heart that will always remain
I know this may sound crazy, ludicrous, or even insane
If you haven't been through this you haven't felt my pain
Try losing your mother and think your life would remain the same
Well I guess you know now what it's like to have no mom
You lost yours in '97; I lost mine in '85
I bet you were hurt being you just lost your love
But you see you knew your mom; I didn't know who mine was
Maybe you're the reason why I am the way I am today
Hardheaded, stubborn, and don't listen to what people say
I can't stand you, mom, and it shouldn't be this way
Don't worry if not now one day you'll have to pay
I just hope one day I can explain this to my kids
How you were a good for nothing mom and you were never really there.

The guilt I didn't know; was apparent.
Letting it be seen.
When I travel to the other plane of my existence;
it was a hellish nightmare.
(Don't let my memory fail me)
"Do I not wash in SIN,
though how small it be."
It makes a dread filled notion,
when I sleep.
If insomnia were not the curse, what is?
What is it,
that I so desperately need...
to put my broken mentality at ease.

Hard to swallow:

When they see you,
stretched languidly across the page,
frivolous in your expenditure of letters,
This is what you are to them.

Long and polysyllabic,
a frustrating combination of strange, small word-parts
And that Y (such an indecisive letter!):
flung in there so gracelessly.

You are repulsive to them;
You have broken their rhythm
of short, blocky words that trip off the tongue
with your sudden and awkward out-of-place-ness.

You are abhorrent to them;
You have blurred their strict margins
of male and female roles,
of pants and skirts,
with your little blip of existence,
mucking about in the wrong side of the clothes store.

You are an anomaly, a mistake, a mystery to them;
You are a *** to be located
A term to be defined
A word to be pronounced
A gender to be assigned

But I like you.

I like how your letters sprawl,
confident and self-sure.

I like how your attire causes others to gawk
and reorder their worlds.

I like how your legs look in that tux,
your eyes in that dress.

How the long swoops of your g and your y
echo the way the ends of your undone tie drape from your collar:

Elegantly.

The bedroom door locks tight
I take off my smile
And put it in a box
Slip my courage down
And stand stripped and bare


Empty eyes looking back
Wine without taste, the
Lamplight too dim to feel
I have shut the door


No need to be for awhile
Till morning comes once more
And I put my smile back on