I like the feeling of lips on skin
Smeared lipstick
We look silly with my red all over our cheeks
But we don't care about those little things
A big thing is happening
My legs wrapped around your waist
Take off the bra that's lace
Place your hands where you know I like
My eyes roll up into the sky
Lips I bite
Yours and mine
I like the way you roll your hips
And thrusts so good should not exist
hold my hands and whisper things
I've got prints on my thighs
They're a redish white
Don't worry
I like that you hold them tight
We don't need wine to feel this good
I took one look and I was hooked
Eyelashes fluttering
You are sputtering
As you spank me
"God... Yes.."
I mumble into the kiss
One more ****** before you bust
And I go nuts

The sun is a dancer and I'm the stage

I'd forgotten how good it feels to let the sun kiss my skin
Butterfly rays fluttering around me
My entire body
Being dead isn't so bad now that I feel good
Twinkling eyes are mine because its so bright
I'm in love with the warmth of the substance around me
It feels like water and sand mixed up into grass
I'm buried in the land by the beaches
Married to the heat energy
I can see it now dancing across my glass body
Since I'm no longer real I'd like to believe I'm a doll
And the dirt is my playhouse
Everyone said it was gonna be cold like the snow where we made angels but I'm not so sure angels are supposed to be frozen
I'd like to say goodnight because I could fall asleep in the comfort of the sun but I guess I'll say good morning instead

Oxygen therapy is what helps my insanity
In 1. 2. 3.
Out 4. 5. 6.
We need it to survive so it's my guide to living
Loving and giving
Plant a tree so someone elso can have a little oxygen therapy
What if we lived forever like my little oxygen friend
We breathe out in
Then do it again
Oxygen doesn't die
It gets renewed
Imagine living life
giving life
and doing it again

the demons creep closer to the bed
Each night one more inch
We... I see children with black eyes
They want me to let them in
So into my room i go to hide under the covers as if that would give me any more protection
Like I said before safety in fabric is a real thing
And if I can't see you then I'll assume you can't see me hiding under my sheets
Why can't angels gone bad leave me alone
And I don't want to go home
Because when I'm in my dark room its so loud I can't hear myself blink anymore

He had a hole in his had
That thing that is dead
Grandad use to wake him up by pinching his toes
But no one knows that he is a demon
Waiting for you to fall asleep
And close your eyes
That beautiful creature in the night
Cut out his eyes
Sliced off his nose
His lips were already gone
He could talk to grandad no more
He lives in the scary
But he can see clearly in the dark
He blows out the candles to make himself feel better
Hell cut off your toes and make himself some clothes
That's what happens when there's a blanket over your head
He killed your dad and now he's dead
Where's mom
Eek
He's behind
Her shadow
He's getting her now too
And there's blood poring from her shoes
You are barely breathing and your color is draining
Outside its raining to wash away the blood
In the morning there'll be bags and bodies and a crowd
But right now
Shows over and your feet are mangled over the bed they dangle
Now he can see them from a better angle

I tried to clean up the mess I call my head so I could understand what we were doing
I couldn't move my arms or tongue
I kicked a little but my legs were weak
What did you put into my drink
You said you loved me but after you were done you let your friends take turns
And this night turned into my reason for therapy
My vision was blurry and it hurt so ******* much
I just wanted you to make them stop
But you held up your phone and watched
Now that bus is wrapped in my flames and your body torn apart
Don't mess with a witch
If you don't have a death wish

i am a tea cup

I am a tea cup 
Round with a handle 
i am a handful 
tea too hot 
i live in a hotel 
the room a river 
things come and go
but i always stay 

i... am.... grey.
a tea cup who is rain 
and wind and leaves
leaves blow past you soaked in tea
technically... im not a tea cup 
but pretending is okay 

My plate is ugly 
im not clean 
people don't lift their pinky when they hold me

the message is seen
black all over me
inside of me 
T... E.... A...

it makes me shake violently 
im violet can't they see
My face isn't a face
but an opening 
my body not a body 
but a handle 

carry me
an ocean full of tea
Leaves from a tree
lined up delicately 

Wooden tea cups
A collection for the 
take me
drink me
break me
but do not set me free

When you eat yourself fat it makes you lose your appetite
so you get a job and it makes you think too much
So then you "forget" to eat
My life changed forever the first time I skipped dinner
Now my stomach isn't growling
It's cheering me on
Come on girl this is a sign that you are strong
Do you want hip bones or food?
I want to hear people behind say "look how skinny she is"
Because all I hear is skinny
Forget the skittles and lollipops
We want to feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top
I wake up and my head is light like a feather
I want to be picked up bride style
And it's embarrassing when you're too heavy
Think light thoughts
Like the wind and sun rays fluttering around the world
Leaves slowly falling from trees
We want Photoshop in real life
People ask "have you been eating?"
That's a sign its working
One day I won't have to **** in
Hollow is good
Less space to take up

When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed
Nothing much is going through your head
Except maybe the end of August
Cause that month was the worst you've ever gotten the shakes
Shackles on fire clung to your wrists
Watch as they burn your skin
The shackles were made of feathers from the pillow you tore up in your sleep
You were having a bad dream
An idea really
Your bones have gotten thinner
Your face feels so far away
But the people disagree
And they say what you're feeling is cold on a warm day
Soon it will go away
But I've had the shakes for too long
Like months with a never ending song
It's too late now I'm gonna go to sleep
Tonight my bed looks so much more comfy
Like a booth in a corner at the comedy club
When I wake up...
If I wake up
It'll be early
Always too early
And on the wrong side of the bed
Because when I sleep I bend over and backwards
Trying to get to the other side
Which ever one is right

We didn't break and we did not bend.
We swayed like toothpicks between teeth.
Sitting.
Silently smiling with cigarettes hanging from our bitter lips.
Smoking up the thing as if we were women who couldn't get enough lipstick.
But life bumped me and i smeared that ****.
See i wanted wintry hands and an almost nonexistent waist.
In order for that to happen my mind had to break.
I bent over backwards trying to get toa new body. I did cartwheels over calories and colored in a watery blue on all the pictures of food. I fade farther into myself the older i get and monsters ****** my imagination. There's a grave labeled "skeleton girl" that we're racing to. I Thought if skinny means dying then so be it. My mind already offed it's self when it analyzed my thoughts.

My eyes are dryin up again. You play with my hair and I'm in heaven. Little girls shouldn't be drinking but I want to feel alive. Anyway It's just for tonight.

The happiness runs in your bloodstream. Your hair in my hands, gives off a gleam. I wanted to help you feel alive your whole life, but it seems I've only been given a single night.

I'm hyped up to a song I don't know. My body's blue cause I'm getting cold. Getting high off your vibes. Maybe I'll give you two nights...

The ambience dissapears, I felt different. My mind and body became belligerent. I was lost in ecstasy from your touch. I was lost on what caused this rush.

Vision blurry and my words are slurry. I don't know if I should drive home. But my parents are waiting for their good girl. I think i need another happy pill. Or maybe just the touch of you. Hands on my thighs send shivers down my spine.

The good girl in your vanished that night. I'd dream of waking up to your smile at first light. My wandering hands could place on a million thighs. But it is yours that it lingers afraid to caress.

Muscles aching for your finger tips. Eyes closed I search for your lips. Legs and arms wrapped up in ecstasy. You and me are at the world's best feeding frenzy.
You're right. The good girl is gone.

I don't feel something
this feeling i feel is nothing
But with nothingness comes hope
that the world will come to a stop
freeze with icy waters
stand quiet 
and unafraid 
a snow global to skate upon 
everything in motion 
motionless 
action against us 
let out the hold stills 
and stop to stares
Ill sit and stare in a room that isn't there
Because i...am...here
Unmoving untouched
If the world stops..... luck
My body is hollow
My fears hard to swallow

Kiddie pool adventures and...

Adults
Adults in red lab coats
They make jokes
Saying they want your eyes cause they look like eggs
Adults like yolks
They talk funny too
They call themselves folks
What I would give to be an adult
I could drive to see some people
Picture day and more
No more boring girl galore
But before I grow up I want kiddie pool adventures and dances in the mirror
Kitchen clean up from pancake disasters 
I want to run faster
You start slow 
Speed up and slow down
I want to fall down 
Get lost on a bus somewhere
Make mistakes
Fall in love 
More than once
Sit in silence
Have my own rock concerts
I want to live and become an adult
Then I'll live some more

I think that possibly maybe I'm falling for you
Sad part you don't even have a clue
It's me I hollar but you're stuck in your own head
Me I yell but there is no one at the door
Look I say but you're up in your attic
I run searching for you in the halls of your mind and you are searching for something that you'll never find
Turn around I say but my words are whispers carried through the wind
The noise unable to reach you
It's like I don't exist and for a second I stop and look around its my memories playing a trick on me because you really were never there in this attic we both share
but we don't and its my attic that I need to clean out I've got bones under my bed and bats in my head
I forget what I'm doing in this basement walking around the empty spaces
...
Wasn't I in the attic?

I feel so out of place I do not fit in
In this hole I could never win maybe everyone else gets the joke always out never in
evey time I step outside I feel the need to hide
why?
We are all uglies wandering this world apart but together
don't you feel this weather in your head?
Storms of emotion
Control them and you have passed
Conquer them and you have found the key to being human
living with feeling is strictly forbidden but I was always a rebel

I swim through a room with a dizzy glow
Where my feet are taking me i have no clue
I know what is about to happen but at the same time i cannot predict the future
My energy is off
My body is sick
My mind is a robot whos settings are stuck on sad
I try to get past these lunatics
Because their time goes
Click... click... click...
I am...bombarded with only 3 other bodies
Friends i do not know
A mosh pit filled 9 feet high with their words now known as snow
To that closet i will go
...And i will wait
Click... click... click...
There are two lower holes
I hold the door in place
My ears hear a sound
My heart raises its pace
POP
a balloon is set off
And the drunk people off of soft drinks sober up
Why am i the only responsible alcoholic here
Perhaps its because my beverages are clear
And clearly these mud drinkers didn't know that the kid named nooses head was about to blow
I grip the door because i can feel the thick hot blood on my hands
Its even thicker than the beaches sand
Horror stories and popcorn do not prepare you for an experience with death
I do not move because i know that he is dead
My body is limp
I am deaf
My eyes have no meaning
But i try to take a step
They (the donut eaters and hot coffee drinkers) have collected the glitter that was once his head
His pretty mind was broken
Before he went he at least wanted it to look its best
I step out from my new home named cold closet and see these boys playing with eyeballs
"Angaurd" they smile as the red that belongs in our veins hurtles towards the ground
They do not see what i see
Suicide is what some would call it
But no... to them its a playground.

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines
Points Dig into skin
Words stab like knifes knitting words on my wrists
Drrrraaaggggggg
This poem will always and forever be saved as a draft
Because for some reason I cannot get exactly what I want to say on paper
So many letters unwrit
Lists are lost or never sent
Writers block! It doesn't make any sense
Our minds are creative water bottles that we swim through
Beavers in our head block colorful thoughts.

I like you - this is not a contest

I'll be the Sally to your Jack
All the things that run through your crazy head
I guess I love you a lot more than I originally planned
You're a criminal with the perfect crime
You stole my heart and consume my mind
I think I've known it from the start
The moment we met
I just knew
I like you
I like you
I like you
But do you like me too
Do I see the glass as half full and you half empty
If I were to say something would it be a painful memory
I don't want to lose your friendship
Cause I'd be losing a piece of me
I like you
I like you
Am I enough
Why is admitting to it so tough
Trying to live without my happiness would be rough
Like the torn up notebook I wrote your name on as many times as I could
Be mine just say that you would
I like you
The way a girlfriend should
The way you comb your hair
Your mischievous smile
Bright eyes and ears that stick out a tad too much
The way you eat your lunch
Maybe it's the vibes you're sending my way
Let's be together and get old and gray
Now I know I don't stand a chance but I'm going to like you anyway

Erase those sad eyes and draw new ones or baby you can't come
Forget the past and move on
Break it down
Act like it didn't happen
Those embarrassing days and fun ones
They werent real
Really?
Now I don't think I can remember
What you said to me
And I don't remember what I wore yesterday just that I wore it
And if you were wondering how I'm doing well I'd say I'm doing just fine but we all know that's a lie
On this earth we all pretend to be something were not
We pretend to be good
we act like we're enough but is anyone ever just enough?
I'm sorry if my questions are annoying you but hold on
I've got many more.
Why are we keeping score?
You are not better than me and I am not better than you
stop feeling blue
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying?
Why are they always crying
Beautiful people we are
no matter how big the scar
So stop scaring Me with these threats of death
stop slicing open your skin your
life is about to begin
get ready to be in love and love you haven't done
not yet
And that's what I don't get
Why do you care what they say when they don't love you and they aren't in love with you
Don't be just yourself
strive to be the best you that you can be
Reach for what you want
take who you want to be with
and if they don't want to be with you then maybe it's not meant to be...

Goner

There is this man 
his name is mia
he throws dirt
he spits words that hurt

Im on my knees 
words get louder
these tears are hard to keep

Im a goner 
im a goner 

Ties tilted up towards the earth 
tops turn down to a sky full of flames 
trees swing with a silent so still
the stillness sends chills to children 

im a goner
im a goner 

tables flip within your mind
words throw knives 
dishes wash themselves 
clouds are made of cotton 

im a goner 
im a goner 

shoes shine with thick mud
thick blood stains my pale legs 
Put me on the phone 
my mouth shut i say hello 

im a goner 
im a goner 






im a goner...

Someone said this to me. Sent it. It is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me so i thought id share.

I get really jealous when you wear showy clothes because I want to protect you, as my own. I want to hold your hair in my hands and just rub my face against it. Your face provokes a strong need to poke cheeks because yours are so kissable.
My dear,  how adorable you really are...it's a shame I won't get to do any more touching then a hug...

I was afraid of loving and being loved
I believed love meant consumption because I always let it consume me
I wrapped myself too tightly
around them
To be as close as humanly possible…
to ensure that it was love
Losing yourself in another
It was poetic and disgusting
I believe love was being everything
It was fear
It was a high
But that is addiction
Should love not be addictive?
Not transactional
I wanted to earn it
Now I am afraid I’m not enough
I always was
More so now that I know what love is not

There's something beautiful about the rain. The sound it makes as it hits hard surfaces. The way it slides down the windows. The smell of the earth... clean. The darkness of a grey sky. It calms me down. It makes me feel alright.

My face is ******
Because I've been picking at it 
don't worry I've felt worse pain
and if I had to I'd pick it off again it'd be no big deal
I'm sure it soon will heal
While I'm sitting in this room
And wearing this silly costume
I smear my blood all over the tile floors and on the door
Miss Monah
Took me from 
My insanity safe House
So I make a mess
And tear up this dress to make her feel a little more stressed
I told the woman Monah with one eye that I didn't need a babysitter
I asked her to reconsider 
Maybe we can just play
But she is stuck not in control
She said it's nothing personal
That some man with toys has sent her 
She told me he wants a playdate
So to put me out of my misery she's going to have to **** me
"Toyman knows where girlys go"
She said with a crooked smile all while holding that axe
Her ****** mouth curved up a little more and she screamed
"You didn't check on the child!" right before the blow found it's target a man opened the door could it be
Is that the toyman I see
Will he stop miss Monah from killing me

I hope for more
But i know there will only ever be less
Inside out im a mess
Emotions stuffed too deep like my fat finger down my throat
Im vomiting sadness because I crave starvation
It makes the circles under my eyes look like grey moons
I was always told that the moon was a beautiful thing
Like hip bones
And something about the darkness makes me want to sing
Ill scream about the days i couldn't stand myself
You see... you aren't heard in the night
So we tell our secrets to nothingness in hopes we can accept
But black holes don't make exceptions
still... i hope for more.

Little girls in my opinion aren't little

Im little but im too big to be little 
I have to deal with big girl bites but i can't have my binkie 
Little girl 
Little girl 
Let me touch you
Be little but have a big mind too

My mouth must be innocent 
My thoughts clean
But i have to deal with dark things 

Sleep in a princess bed you make yourself 
Too short to reach on the shelf 
But im a big girl so i have to get it myslef

I fell off the latter 
"Well why didn't you ask for help?"




Im a big girl but im too little too...

We haven't talked in months... you won't let me break up with you. Did you know you're driving me crazy? You carved "insane" into my lips. Now everything I say comes out like like a ****** getting excited about a pretty girl walking home.
I twitch and twist.
I cannot get enough rest.
If I am not sleeping I think id rather be dead. I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Well... not like i did yesterday. This pain is a dull throb always reminding me. Did you know I get excited about starvation? It makes me feel in control. I wanted to talk about it... You don't have time for me but you simply won't let me go. LEAVE
ME  
    THE
            ****
                     A
                         L
                           O
                             N
                                E
please for I beg... keep away
im a mess that you ******* ****** on.
im ruined but you seem to have caused more destruction.
the butterflies have morphed into lions. Ripping me to shreds from the inside out.

Let me love again
SoMEoooOne not yOOOoou <uuU!
let me paint again
you see... you've limited me to only shades of blue
I miss the grass.
I miss the grey of rain
Most of all i miss being OkAy

Don't you know? I'm sooooo not into you.

You see they say falling is easy
But what's easier is never having two legs to stand upon
Right about now i wish i had a knee to kneel on
the floor is known for wobbling
The Webbed ceiling likes cracking jokes
And we like to laugh until our cheeks split open revealing a diamond peice
Because your words are like jewelry
My ears cant hear your clinking teeth
But ive known your voice my whole life
It makes my body  weak
My bones are hollow
Im lost in a sea of wings
They flap around the water bottle i call my mind
Swimming is hard so you give me a ride
Isn't it ridiculous how much you can find peace in a simple sound
A vibration we encourage with our mouths
"Connection" sound it out

I'm afraid of everything
So I'm barely living
Holding back so I don't get hurt
The worst part is not knowing what will happen next
I'm a freak out of control
So they call me control freak
Be ready for what's around the corner but I don't see through walls
So I'm armed with layers for anything
And little things freak me out
I'm psyched to be the leader
Cause I'm a ******
And I'll have a perfect path
I mean plan for us all...

More animal than human
I guess they're happy now
They look ridiculous
At least they're enjoying themselves

I like dead things like flowers
For some reason they make me feel like I belong
Like good lyrics in a song
And every single
Flower that has died to me is still alive
The way they droop
Like my shoulders
Get lower
Closer to the ground
So they can see life upside down
We're always looking up or forward
Everyone is running
While I walk slowly back
There's nothing really wrong with the past
And the ground has inspiring things
Like shoes
And holes
Curbs too
Signs painted to help you make turns
I like to stay awake at night and stare at the ground
I might have insomnia
But that's alright
I like feeling the world when everyone is locked in their beds
The dark is not taking me as prisoner tonight
When I go to bed
I let the sun take me instead

My pillow has a mouth.
When i lay my head down it whispers its daydreams to me all night.
My mind plays visions of my pillows imagination.
You see... my pillow falls into a book and brings it to life.
Its teeth like soaring kites.
Blowing words into my ears.
Winding winds down so that in the morning it can say
"the end."

(Might add to this.)

So many things in my head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead and that one is already dying
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying
Why are they always crying
Stop scaring me with these threats of death
I look to my left
And see blue girl
Heart no longer pumping the red that is in our veins
Hers are drained
This isn't what it seems
Not a dream
A nightmare maybe
Did I do that to blue girl or did she do it to herself
I go back to my shelf and sit
I'll remain here unmoving
Until someone picks me up
So young
so bright
Now you're lost to the night
Where demons eat you up and fight over the pieces of you
The pain unbearable
But you don't feel it
You feel nothing
Guess you got your wish
Black eyes with a grin is what I see
Close my eyes count to three
Now they're next to me
Inside
The devil hides
I am taken over
Goodbye
Hello it's the new me

I'm not a big fan of what if
But you were
You liked not knowing what was coming next
Taking risks was what kept you going
Running left instead of right
Using red instead of white
I can no longer hold it in I just have to know why
Who are you
What is it about different that draws you in
I'm so bland that I'm different you said
Maybe that's why you took my breath
Right outta my lungs and into your own
Breathing in the thick black feathers within me and turning it into fluff
"You're not dark. You just like the moonlight instead."
I always keep that in my Head
Now your gone and im left with something I'll never forget

I'm fine
Words to hide behind
Little details in ones face you do not recognize
Oh dear are you really okay
But we don't feel like sharing the whole story
So good will do
When you're feeling blue
And believe you have no value
In this web of lies
I can't find myself
Around the corner
On the shelf
I'm really up in my room
Now thinking is all I do
But I can't share my thoughts with you

there's this mask
Slap a smile on like it's lip stick
Say everything is grand
I like the way the waves meet the sand
Too quickly and then it pulls back
Like me in relationships
Like my mouth has a dance 
Says things in steps and likes holding hands 
My tongue misses beats and im back on the beach with my head in the **** of the sea
Smoke up bubbles and pretend im pretty 
Good thing ***** can't breathe 
They'd smell my ugly and abandon me
Shells i wear even in the heat
Goodnight moon
Forever asleep 
My secrets are padded which makes me comfy

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines

So many things in my Head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead
And that one is already dying
You can live and not be alive
You can jump from the sky's and feel nothing
Or go for a simple drive and be more alive than you have ever been
It's not your situation its the people who are around
When you go through the motions together you really feel it all
and when you are apart its like a you start to fall
crawling through this wreckage looking for your valuables but it is the people who are crawling too that are valuable
if she wants to be dead and you don't want her to  
Tell her she is precious because maybe that will be the first time she's heard it
Maybe it will be the last

The light in her eyes twinkles like teapots and chiped  china
She is chiped china
She comes from a little town where bad things sometimes happen
Like double rainbows draining and dripping down to meet the land
Trickling hearts and minds into reality
You see... that's never where she wanted to be
So she made a casket called home
That's where the broken dolls go so they can rest in peace
Broken down dolly faces
Pouty lips now in different places
crevices and deep spaces
Spiderwebs in the glass that was once whole
Glass Crums licked up by demon babies with tongues ten feet long
Her tears are snow globes
Moisture containing storms of emotion
Like a dresser drawer filled with ocean
...Yes
Her eyes were once stars and shined with curiosity
But it burnt out long ago
Now her seeing tunnels are stained glossy
The world she cannot unsee

The seeing eyes would never lie if they had a mouth to tell
Painful memories should burn in hell
Yeah daddy stitched it up real well
To hide His secret activities
The things he did to me...
We do not speak of the infidelity

There something about feeling my heart race
Not at its usual pace
Rocks or stones
Whatever is thrown
Bruised and bleeding
My knees are giving
But it doesn't hurt as much as being ignored
I'll just be a little sore
The group laughs and I laugh too
They are sick
And I am stuck because they ask me to a party and beat me with sticks
How could I refuse?
Insides are outside
But Its blood not sugar
Syrup dripping down like the tears I shed when I was lonely
This planet is big enough for friends
And that's what I'll call them
At least they speak to me...
Boring girl galore
I'm a little alive now
But when I head to town I hear the whisper carried through the wind
And then the window broke
And deep down in this group I know I'm still all alone
I've drowned in my own blood but I act like I'm drinking water
Pretend and it'll get better
All red and washed up you are
Those friends don't want you
Find some more
And party with the sticks again
The end.

Bite off the tip of your tongue
Let blood bleed out from your mouth
Red words come out
Self destruction
Just for one good poem
Writing is therapeutic
But I do it so much I need thereapy
People look at me
Everything I say is a song
But not a good one
I've got bags under my seeing tunnels
If I continue I'll be in trouble
Words arranged
Then rearranged
The perfect part will capture your heart
Then tear it apart

She likes cupcakes for dessert...
Hers were lips that have touched coke and *****
Limbs un-outstretched because she never did like the way they played hard to get
See if they kept it up she'd be a no one's girl but wasn't that better than being that guys girl
She was odd
I think that made her perfect
Because she was absolute and complete
Absolutely completely something i believe to be mysterious
She was a believer in space
And didn't need to define gravity because it wasn't ever keeping her down
She walked above it on grass greener than the other side
And although her milky lips were frosted them she would never lick
Easy people couldn't bite her because she kept close her finger tips