Just let me keep you to myself

I can't explain it
The desire to call you mine
Without knowing what I'm feeling
I can't tell you what's going on

I don't want to share you
I'm scared
I don't want to be put second best again
I felt it happened, you only talked about him

Arguments ask me why you hold on
Why do I hold on?
You'll always have control over a part of me
That's something I cannot change

You isolated yourself in my heart
I can't give half a broken heart out
Blood drips as I hold it in my hand
Inspections never lead to my hands emptying

What keeps us from letting go?
Is it the promises we've made?
Could it be the feeling of acceptance that we shared?
Or are we just fools, chasing our shadows in the dark

I've cornered myself, there's no way around it

I've cornered myself, there's no way around it

Trusting my gut instinct is my survival
I turned it down
That ended in a cold stare out of the window
It ended without much of a fight

I said my goodbyes
As did she
I lost another part of me then
Now I'm left in ruins

You're what keeps me standing
Leave and I'll surely be my own demise
Is that why we don't let go?
We are each others core as it seems

Keeping myself alive proves hard
It's making me numb
Is it the right path?
Is it okay for me to keep you strung to me with a red string?

I don't know if we'll ever know

It fills me with an unknown pain
Should I question why I am so attached
My mind can't help but wonder where you are
How you are
That's something we don't get the chance to ask anymore

Quick messages
Rushed replies
Hours of waiting
Hoping your day isn't hurting you
Wanting only the best for you

Hating this feeling takes so much
I feel drained each day
Thinking of a happier you
Would you want a happier me?
Would that make it better?
Am I good enough the way I am?

This might be the hardest thing to endure
A slow agonizing throbbing
It cuts deep
Who knew I would be the one feeling this way
When it was you that said dependency was your issue

"**** is that her trying to comfort you?"
No, that's her actually noticing that it ***** and doing something
You didn't answer it even when I pointed at it subtly
I bet you were just laughing

Jealousy fills you again
At this point I've given up
I don't know what to say
I don't want to say; you're the only friend that matters and yeah what the hell was she thinking?

She cares and I know she does
She shows it not through a lot of talking or jokes
She shows through small things that show me she notices them

You said you'd keep it away from me
Yet here we are again
You're pushing it onto me

Must be **** that I saw it before you deleted the text saying that
I won't address it
I'm not making that mistake again

What matters
Is that you realized
You shouldn't have sent that text in the first place

It's been a very long time hasn't it
Since we last saw each other, or even talked
I miss your warm hugs and your bright smiles

You've gone silent my dear friend
If I'm being honest
I think it's slowly killing me

I could cry everyday
I only do it every second

I miss you so much

You do no reflect on what has happened
You ignore what is now
You fail to acknowledge the upcoming possibilities

Was it my similarities to you?
How you fail to see your own faults
Trying to heal yourself by breaking me

This gives me too much insecurity
I can't shake the darkness in my mind
What will happen to my hopes and dreams

Will they slip through my fingers
Like smoke
Does it have to be like that again for me?

Something I want to have
That I can't touch
Nor see

My future is lying shattered in front of my hands

I cry while I remember the look you gave when I got it wrong
Again
Now you've ripped my comfort way from me
The one who didn't look down on me
The one who got me to understand

You're surprised at the effect?
No you are not
You knew
but
You didn't care

So be it
Guess I'll cry every time I don't understand
Everyday

Isolation

Is there something that you want but can't approach?
Something you want to know
Yet you hide or sneak in a quick look
We make excuses as to why not

What do you have to lose?
Your pride, your independence?
No
Losing these things is an illusion that you project on yourself
Even if you don't want to

What you do can define you
What you do not do can define you
What do you want to define yourself as?

Not to them
Not to me
To you

Who do you want to be and what do you want to do?

The air is changing
It's dense and tense
I wish I could just shut it out

Yet the four remain around me
Isolation for some time would be nice
I want to enjoy it all yet it's not exactly that easy

Dreams and showers are seemingly the only time when I can breathe freely

"I can sense the violence in your silence"
My throat tightens as I remember what you said
What am I supposed to read into that?

I close my eyes in hopes of seeing a blank canvas
Something we can create together

Our smiles painting a picture
Our tears casting shadows

I hope that together we can make it work
That pettiness fades and respect blooms like a flower
I love you

Maybe a bit too much
Now do you understand what I mean?
Yet I am learning to be my own soldier

There is no past for me to cling onto
No future to pursue
I walk an ever changing path
My footsteps used to cross others, now they're alone

The aid is making me go numb
First I couldn't feel my body
Now I'm losing heart
Next I'll lose my mind

I recall this emptiness
I can't say I missed it
Will it fade to reveal the next step?
I can't help but wanting to turn away from that, stay on the path I've been making myself all this time

Letting go took some time
When asked you avoided the biggest answers
I will miss you for a very long time
Yet I have started accepting it, looking for new people
People that I can hold hands with and laugh
Drink coffee with and watch movies with
I think I've found two souls that make me feel warm
Thinking of you when the pink clouds pass by
Wishing you well my friend

Short spurts  get me through
I'm running out of fuel
The siren in warning of the fall to come

By now the idea of making it
Seems like a joke from long ago
Definitely not as funny as I thought it was

Would it change if I closed my eyes
Or is it all the same
Imminent reunion with the prison

Part of me cannot wait
The familiarity of it all drawing me in
Just as it is with human ideology

I  name it 'H.O.M.E'
So I don't confuse it with home
I reside here so I might as well make myself comfortable

Throughout time
The game of cat and mouse
More so
Hunter and prey

Your words and actions fly like bullets
Loud and clear
or a mere whisper before the pain
I've had enough

Baring teeth and claws
I turn and gaze back
This act of endless circling isn't for you
It's for me; giving you time to change

I've broken the circle
I've turned my back
Redemption
For myself

I don't care if you try anymore
I will redeem myself
So I can look ahead and live
Knowing that I won
Now I've made you cry and crumble
I've beat you at your own game

It's been so long
I can't shed a tear for you
They were all for me
As I watched myself break and fade
Not much longer now

I'm getting a taste of redemption

20:00 - Dinner
Alone but entertained
I like it that way

21:00 - Skype calls
Not having talked for four days
I've missed her yet the occasional silence is nice

22:00 - Fillers
Scrolling through pictures and sharing thoughts
A pleasant and calm feeling

23:00 - Rethinking
The first hypothetical theories about the day
Laughing at the slip-ups to push them away

00:00 - Reflecting
Doubting choices throughout the week
Faking a small smile

01:00 - Endurance
A familiar feeling spreads
Downcast eyes and a facade of peace

02:00 - Creative
New ideas and thoughts fill up the space
Pick and choosing which ones would hurt the most now

03:00 - Idealistic
Reading stories about happiness, pain and change
Wondering what will become of me

04:00 - Closure
Horrible thoughts tearing down the last walls
Curling up and crying again

05:00 - End
Following a familiar routine before sleep comes
Cradling the broken mind

My dear little Sapling
What a world that you chose for your birth
You are fragile, but your future is strong

My hands wield your growth, shaping your forms and nurturing your blossoms

I know neither wrong or right
You simply are.
Judging from afar yet striking no judgement

An entity that exists to exist
Gathering knowledge and sending roots deep down

Grow my little Sapling and learn about this beautiful yet ugly world

Pull the restraints tighter my Love
For I will try and break free
To keep the possibility of pain away from you
To save me from myself

I wasn't done talking
You said it wasn't stopping
What?
Bleeding is what you answered with

I stopped talking
As did you
We didn't know what we were doing
Now I think it is better

I can laugh and smile now
As can you
Our love has changed
I am not sad and neither are you

We lost the love we used to have
We love even stronger now
It is better

I call you sister
You smile
Happiness

The stem is cold against my fingers
I do not feel it
I'm numb as can be
The winter wind has long frozen me to the bone

The petals are withering yet radiating life
I crouch down to see
I'm not as blind as they thought
The winter has stopped time as nothing moves

The thorn ****** my finger
I cannot feel it
My gaze followed the stream of crimson
The evidence for my life stains the snow

The flower is my shadow
A Skeleton Flower
Alive yet frozen
The chance to move on must not be missed again

For I shall wither fully within the next winter

Colours fade into one
Creating swirls of dreams above
I look up and hold your hand

I want to hold it forever
We'll part but I can still hold it in my dreams
I dream of seeing you again

Many years have passed
I can still feel your hand when I look up
Smiling at the dreams I have
Wishing you could be there to see them

Yet I know you can't
You're above the colours
The dream I'll reach when it all ends

Until then
I'll be down here
Dreaming of holding your hand

so unsure of what to do
so unsure of where to go
is it worth changing your path?

you don't enjoy your studies
you're ***** deep in depression again
where's the way out?


you'll just do a masters and pave your way from there
it'll be so hard but so worth it
you know you can do this, so why do you still feel like ****?

your social life is in shambles, it doesn't exist quite frankly
you don't even want to let people in anymore
you've been left behind before, from someone you loved so deeply
they were your family, your heart yet you weren't good enough

all your doubts are just stacking
your passion has disappeared, you're a decomposing robot right now
you can't get out right now, you can try again in 20 years
till then you can cry and scream all you want

life just isn't that nice
you always knew that
so why are you stuck on it

you don't know, but that's okay
you're sure it'll slowly figure itself out
good luck skylar keith
you'll need it

My ceiling stares back at me as I yawn
My eyelids feel heavy yet I can't sleep
Yet here I am, wide awake

01:00 - The usual time
02:00 - The new normal
03:00 - I might miss my alarm if I don't sleep

I stare at my ceiling as I think
My thoughts are jumbled
Messed up, unclear

04:00 - Is there a point in sleeping at all
05:00 - Barely any sleep time left now
06:00 - An hour until I hear the song

Now there's no point at all
I rub my eyes and I yawn
Yet another sleepless night

soundless joy surrounds me
yet when I reached out I can only feel the ambiguous bubble
all sadness and joy drifts by, waving to me as they go
apparently I am better yet my whole body is enveloped by a warm yet cold layer

it shields me from many things
it is also overprotective
hiding and avoiding experiences and emotions
am I missing out or is it better this way, to let possibilities go
or is it steering me away from the cliff I sometimes call home

the sight of dark waves clinging to the shore is something I miss whether it is good or bad for me
the birds that climb the heights were my dreams
the sly winds pulling and pushing; my laughter and my sorrow

don't even get me started on the ships sailing at the horizon...
my friends finding their way, my sight of them has dimmed
my wishes for them have long been yelled out
hopefully they'll come my way again some day

for today my legs have over the edge, a sad smile on my face as I wave goodbye to the sun and welcome the night

Hello?
Please don't call me anymore
You've said enough
Stop

Hello?
It's me again
Please say something
You've been awfully quiet
Sometimes I can see you're not busy
Never mind
Forget I said anything

Hello?
This is how it comes to an end
Silence fills the line
I guess it's time to hang up

All this back and forth makes me wonder what happened

What do you see when...
Nevermind
I wonder if we'll ever see the same again

I'm running from Time
I'm running out of air
I'm running out of reasons to love you

I can hear the cracking sound at night
Every time the door closes behind me I wonder if it could be the last
What do you really think?

Our truths are not the same
I feel like we aren't of one mind anymore
I want to stay but your effort is decreasing

It does not feel nice
Should I be running?
Or should I be letting you go?

It'll be a new beginning for us both soon
Time is changing
Time for laughter has turned into time to leave

I tore pieces out of myself
They're in the trash
Staying where I tossed them too

No value
Lifeless
No meaning

Every colour fades
Numbing my senses
Until it is only I who walks my world

I sing a melody
It echoes eerie through the air
A lost frequency to their ears

Tears spill down my face
I have one question for you
What tore through my mind to make me this way?

You never told me why

You never even said goodbye

You say it's not me

You say it's just you

I can't believe you

Please

Just tell me what's going on

Wind streams through the cracks
Lifting my spirits as I awake
Only to realize you're still asleep
Smiling as you cuddle the warm blanket
Moments go by
Words can't describe how happy I am
When I can spend time with you
I will never be able to thank you enough

You're the sun that shines through the rain
The flower on the barren ground

Your arms wrap around me when I cry
I'd push others away
but not you

Why?
Because you're my other half
Even through silence

Why?
Because you're what makes me smile
Even through tears

Why?
Because
You're you

Thank you

"Are you okay?"
No, I'm the same as always
I've decided to express how I feel from now on

"You're not being open"
I want to die
"I already know that"
That's what I am feeling

So why can't you leave it at that?
Is it not enough?

An invisible wall
Transparent yet clouded
As I pound against it, it makes so sound

So help me my Love
My efforts crumble to dust
So it seems that I do nothing

How can I show you that I care?
How can I make you see what I feel?
I'm being torn, and endless back and worth

All I can say is sorry
It's what seems to last
Yet it's meaning is lost

I will work hard for this
The wall will shatter
Then we can touch once more what was lost

I can't breathe
My own body is rejecting me
I'm sick to the stomach and thoughts pierce me like bullets

I shiver with every second that passes
Out of disgust or fear I do not know

My mind has become my prison
Caging me into pain and sorrow
Not only did I betray your trust
I betrayed myself to an extent I knew not possible

Is that me I see in the mirror?
All I see is a mistake within a mistake
A mistake born from a strong woman and a treacherous storm

I found my strengths yet ignored the cliff at my path
Thinking that I would be better

Now I have become a storm of my own
Not one that brings rain and dark skies
The kind that one wishes to never see
Just as treacherous as the one I was born from

The other half of my soul
Watches in despair from the ground
Knowing that soon thunder and lightning will come
The wind will tear everything apart
What will survive this storm?

The only thing the eye can see
Is a skeletal flower turning to dust
A beautiful and gloomy death

I could have been better than this

Dark clouds drift overhead
I am looking up
You are looking down
We should be looking ahead

For your sake
For my sake
Four our sakes

I look down
You look up
We make eye contact
Before turning away again

Here we are again
I guess you can hear the violence within in my silence
I don't hear anything from you

Maybe I'm deaf
Maybe I stopped listening to others
Who knows

I don't want to let go
Yet here I am
Thinking and thinking

Looking down at the red thread
Holding the scissors in my hand
Unsure of what to do

Today is your day
Today I will always remember you
Through the pain I feel the love
The love I have for you

The pain and the love fit like puzzle pieces
Forever intertwined with each other
Unable to let go of another

I don't think you understand what you mean to me
I would have done anything for you
Everything

I can only smile and wish you the best
Should I love you or hate you?
I can only miss you

I thought we would be side by side
Fighting through it all together
Knowing that when all fails we still have each other.

I compare everyone to you, trying to save that spot for you
What shall I do

This Feeling
Something that seems to be immortal
No cries
No words
No actions
It stays as I struggle

I ask myself
Why must it be this way?
Why is it that I feel wrong
At school
At home
At mine

Indestructable
Unstoppable
Ever changing as I adapt
I've come to accept it
I've come to understand it
I've come to welcome it

Yet when I see you
I want to be alone with you
Yet I know that is something I cannot have

So valuable yet so fragile

If I could turn back time I would
I would sacrifice everything to right my wrong doing

Just thinking about it makes me want to die
Please don't take my words lightly
I don't want your fear of losing me to become reality

Regardless of those words
I can feel myself dying inside
Each thought brings me closer to the end
Each tear turns into drops of blood
Each sob tears me apart

I don't know what to do anymore

Well ****
Here I go again
Deju vu right?

I said what I said last time
As did you
Starting to feel like a habit

What happens when it breaks?
Will I ever be able to see you again?
Will it continue?

I want to make you happy but I'm starting to feel that I'm not the right person to stand by your side

Seeing oneself rip our life apart is one thing
Seeing a friend do it is the worst
I don't think I've ever felt this way before

The pain is unbearable
I don't know if I can resist staying still
It makes me want to overdose

This pain
These tears
I shouldn't be like this

Why does it hurt more than any pain ever did?

Shimmering lightly as you move
Lights bouncing off of your high features
I think this must be a dream

You'd never do this
Yet here you are
Moving against me as the night fades

Gestures into touches
Gazes into stares
Thoughts into actions

Last Night
Tonight
Tomorrow's night

Soft and warm to the touch
Your skin under my fingertips
We keep coming back to this

Darkness comes
You come
I come

Did you leave?
So far, yet so close
If I reach out, will my fingers touch empty air?

You've gone
Yet when I feel like this
I always think you are right by my side

Why must you haunt me like this?
I just want to move on
Yet images of you fill my mind

Sadness through your tears and cuts
I've seen them all and I want to reach out to you
Embrace you and never let go

When I close my eyes and curl up
I imagine you next to me
Holding me close while I cry

When you close your eyes and curl up
You imagine me right by your side
Holding you close while you cry

All your tears and cuts
All my tears and cuts
What are they for?

For what others say
What others do
All the bruises they've given you
I want to erase
I want to run my fingers over your skin and see you smile
I want to be there for you

When I reach out
What will my fingers touch?
Empty Air
You

Neither
All I feel is the cold and dead feeling
of a screen against my fingertips
As I cry out for you and I know you do the same

You're haunting me and I curl up
Imagining you to be there with me
While we cry

So close, yet so far
Only a border between us
The phone screen staying black
As you cry
As I cry

No bruises or cuts
No tears or screams
All I ever wanted was for you to smile
All I ever wanted was to see you smile

I was in shock
I ran
I cried

I was better
I laughed
I sighed

I was angry
I yelled
I scoffed

It hurt so I cried and ran
Guess nothing really matters now
I cover my eyes as I cry again
I pushed her away as she wanted to hug me
I screamed at her and she looked hurt
I don't have the energy to care

I'm back in my safe haven
It's in the middle of a war zone
Wounds and tears staining the way
Until I realize mine looks worse
I can't bring myself to care
Can you?
I don't care

Strength yet so weak
Love yet so much anger
What are we doing to each other?

I feel small and useless
A fire that has been kicked out
Only the smallest trail of smoke signalling life
My eyes peer around every corner
Why do I feel fear?

I don't want to feel this way forever my Love
Are we here to break each other's hearts?
I cling onto the happiness I have with you

Tell me Baby
Are those words what you really think?
I know I can't forget everything
No matter how much I love you

I can't lose who I am

Sometimes I wonder why
Other times I don't
I think leaving you behind is best

The anger pierces me like a knife
My wounds are wide open today
Part of me is saying good bye
The sliver of strength seeps out with my tears

I would never want to see you unhappy
It seems the blame always lands on me
I know I did wrong
Yet I cannot ignore your responsibility
Seems invisible to you sometimes

I can live with pain
Yet everyone has their limit
Saying I'm approaching mine rips me apart
In a similar way that your words do

What would be if I said all those things to you?
I have not once threatened to leave you
Do I make it so easy to walk right in and out of my life?

You shut me out for what seems like a life time
We cannot talk it out until later
I do not know what to say or do
I can only take so much

Old thoughts cross my mind these days
Luring me to inflict more pain
So far I can stand strong, fighting that urge
It grows stronger with every fight we have
Hell, even discussions escalate so quickly

Lashing out in anger, I can't shield myself from every hit
I have told you this before
In order for me to live, that has to change
Nowadays I cry because it has only increased

I can only take so much before I break

"Go into bed"
I thought you'd decide to relax
Take the rest that you more than deserve

"Warm up"
I wish I could wrap you up in blankets
Be the warmth that fills you with joy

"Maybe fall asleep"
I smiled, ready to bid you goodnight as usual
To wish that I could be there with you

"Maybe cry"
It tugs at my heart with phrases like that
A stab into my hopes and dreams for you

"Life is full of surprise"
Something I cannot deny
All I know is that I'll be here for you

This is what you said to me
I hope I can change that when I have the chance
You're an Angel to me
I hope to be yours in those times