i thought that growing up
i would look back on all that i've seen
and see you standing right next to me-
yet
to my dismay
i am again standing in the gap-
trapped
inside.

i thought that growing up
we'd be closer than before
closer than closed doors-
yet i slam
that door shut
every day-
and i beg you
to go
away.

who am i today
who am i today
who is i  going to be
and where will that lead i?
will i be another symphony
is i just another expressed belief?
what does i believe-

oh i
what do you see and why
do you see oh i
the way you do
and why
do i oh i
still follow
you-

if i isnt me
than is me just another empty space
that i left behind
in the aftermath of
finding out who i is?
-me is just an empty lot
waiting for i to reattach to the host
-empty walls now make me i's empty ghost.

i isn't who i should be
not me
not me
not me's position to be choosing personality-
than who is the rhymer and the writer!
the pen and ink!
who are the author and who are the book!
who are they!
who are the shadows that haunt my mind!
who are the shadows of glory divine-

who are the devine
and they still make me question why
but i'm still learning tonight
and maybe tomorrow will be my last fight
with that angel underneath heaven's ladder
and i will finally get the rest i need
for it's tiring
fighting with angels
knowing that you can't win
but knowing they won't let you lose-
for i truly want to lose for once
and figure out that death isn't worth it-
and figure out that i had a greater purpose.

Silence-
Silence-
Whisper if you cannot hold it back-
Silence-
Trifling lies, rustle when that gate opens wide-
Winds blow as the windows stand agape-

My eyes drifting, floating-
Away-

Silence-
Peace to you who find it.
Don't let those voices hide it.
Don't let them drown inside it-
Don't let- those poems - awake-
Sleep-
Let it be-

i'll put my foot
in between the cracks
on the concrete slabs
and i will believe that i am
divided in half
never choosing my own path-
the foot will remain in the middle
between the sides
between the opposite ends and times
yet nothing is perfectly in between
the molecules unseen
lean to a side we don't believe
is what we really are
but we can deny the power of
choice-

we all believe
we are the in between
the new believers-
hiding everything
hoping that the secrets
wont find their seekers!
and the people we surround ourselves with!
are the people who will let us fall deeper!
we are afraid of the slightest criticism
and the feeling that we've been tricked by a deceiver!
so we ask those who follow our side
to turn around and grow blind eyes
so that we can keep hiding
we can keep on fighting
the internal battle for our lives!
-all alone-

and no one can show me the way
no one can show me the way back home-
for if i knew the way
i don't think i would go-
for i am afraid
i am afraid of what they'd know
and what they would say to my face
about the life that i now own-
for i don't want them to see
i don't want them to see this me
because i can't stand this part of my self
and the way that i drown in this sea-

and i'm all alone-
i'm alone in this place
because i was afraid to be real with those that love me-

When the candle light goes,
The wind sings it's song,
And the bright sky knows
That the fire still belongs.
The wax drips down
The fresh cleaned table,
For when the fire burns out
It leaves the wax unstable.
Dripping
On the
Floor boards.
Dripping
Off the
Holder.
I thought
My wax could
Stay stable.
But as my
Fire burns bright,
I know that when it goes, I'll find myself unable
To see
That last bit of wax falling from me.

There goes my memories!
Was it chance that I forgot my name!
Who is this person
We look quite the same!
Where did my body go!
Where did I leave my face!
I left it here long ago!
I left it deep inside my grave.

For the wind blows on
And I will forget who I was.
For the wind blows on
And the past keeps turning to dust.

Oh clouds I'm calling you down
To bring the rain one more time
So I remember my pain.
You once were all I had,
The empty stomach, the aching eyes,
You were all of my days.
I want to go back
Before I knew you were real
Before I felt this way!
You know who I used to be!
A happy child, a happy me!
I wish you never came!
Oh I wish that I left you slain!

Oh I wish that the demons
Never crept inside!
Oh I wish that the darkness
Never made my lie!
But the more I remember
The more I realize!
That I made me this way!
I chose how to die.

i like to think of those rides back home
from the beach, the sand still stuck to my legs,
my hair stiff with ocean perfume,
the salt sting fresh under my nose-
the long drives make me listen to emery,
the songs about divorce and failure,
how love is never true, the sound of a fading
dream
like ocean mist
in the shot sun
alone
with wet feet.

My God,
this was supposed to be simple-
if you told me that days would grow cold
like the sound of her voice
then i don't know if it'd be a choice
to live or die, to stay are drown
in the sea like my dreams, silent sounds.
i wonder, if the clouds are as soft as they seem,
what would it be to fall through, to watch me bleed-
stop to breath-

i try my hardest to make sense of the meaningless emptiness!
the scratch-crawl for time's new best!
**** me
and you'll watch the sun rise,
even though i lived a good life.
the sun rises and falls
even on the days we die.
for this new lie-
for this new life
lies to us that it will be alright
that we will find it all inside
just like we make our right,
the wrongs in us just dissipate
like the lungs we let deflate-
still breathing
still breathing
still breathing!
like the air never stops circling the ocean
deceiving!
deceiving!
like the lies we tell our kids at night
they're all believing!
believing!

go and tell it to the mountains
that what you found is the next cure to cancer!
go and share you love
like what you found is the next answer!
for history repeats itself-
we know it all too well-
history repeats itself,
so like the wind that blows away
i'll watch you fall flat on your face!
as if the ocean never saw you coming!
never saw you running!
like the world was fooled by your crafty ways!
your despiteful gaze!
watching the world, watching you drift down summer lakes-
the eyes still fixed in place-

go and tell your stories
like you wrote the first one of all-
we will watch with pen in hand
waiting for the ink to bleed and fall-
go and pretend like you know
but you know that you don't
and you say that your sure, but we know what your wrote
and you can tell me your stories, but I know that they're lies-
you wrote them on paper but it blend through the sides-








just go-
just go-
like time did
before you hand a chance to change your road-
just go-
just go-
before you look back
and remember why you always felt so alone-
just go-
just go-
the wind waits for you
God will bring us all home-

For the grass fields lying beyond those gates
Take me back home, take me back to the day
Where I first let my eyes stare at you in open gaze,
The moment still fresh in my mind, still open state.
I will not be able to find a friend that I could love
Until the end
Until death brings us home-
For you are the one I chose to hold in all hope.
You are the one that I would walk with forever
Until the grass dries up and we can no longer find a place for our feet.
I want to name a child with you,
I can't share that with anyone else!
For no one in this world could take that place but you,
As I hold your hand and smile at our daughter together.
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you too.

I don't want to die,
But the moon still calls my name.
I think I'll visit.

So I swallow fast!
Until the last lump goes down
And my throat closes!

My eyes shake sideways!
And my arms feel cold again-
This is how and when

This is how and when
It all comes crumbling to the
Ever expected

And overly dull,
Commonly thought out, and the
Quiet, calm, silence.

The ever repeat
Of my tragic tragedy:
My heart wrenching end.






Dear trees who hold me,
I will always miss your songs.
I will miss singing

To the soft echoes
Bouncing through your dark branches.
I won't forget you-

Don't you forget me-
I will never remember
Something like your voice.

I thought for once I'd keep my closet shut,
But those skeletons seep through the cracks.
I thought for once I'd hide my eyes from your blood,
But I watch you spill into the sink,
I watch you as you spill out so fast!
I told myself I'm not afraid,
But I'm not sure if you will last!
Yesterday I was afraid of coming back!
I never thought I'd face my past!

-But I sit here and wonder the same thing, over and over-

Watching is the hardest part
Of loving someone with all your heart!
So I watch you bleed out on my floor,
And I close my eyes, and I shut your door!
I never wanted you to bleed, but I love you too much to say
That I never really wanted to watch you die this way!
I thought I'd leave you in December's curse,
But you've followed me and you drive my hearse.

The saddest part of the day is watching those doors close-
The saddest part of the day is watching your doors close!
Just before your eyes begin to roll
And you shake and bang your skull
I look into your eyes
And I pray that one day you'll be alright!
My sister I hope that when I get home
You'll be just fine-

Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Find
You
Dead.

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
That I'll see you when I get back home?

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
To go back before we drifted away,
Before we left on our own?

Because on Sundays
When the sun's rays hit my face,
I see you
And I see who we used to be.
And I see that we should've never had to have to had to have to had to have to leave.

And I'm stuck thinking,
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth living in the end.
I'm stuck wondering,
Was it really fare!
Am I better of giving up before someone leave's again,
I swear...
It hasn't been as hard as watching my sister go through so much pain,
Way too much too bare...
I wish I gave up before I watched my eyes go through the same,
Leaving my heart bare!
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth all the trouble and all the care!
Was it really fare!
How can we live in a world that keeps us snared...


Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Watch
The
Sun
Rise
Again.
I
Don't
Know
Why
But
I'll
Remember
This
Is
Not
The
End.

Out beyond those clouds,
I hear you,
I hear you calling out.
Somewhere past those doubts
I feel you,
I feel your love falling down.
Even when the tempest stirs,
And even when the thunders call me home!
I won't give up!
You never left me alone!

We all want to be
We all want to be
We all want to be
-long, -lieve, -something that we can’t possibly
Be.
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
-up, -others, -until we finally start to learn-
We burn.

When we will all
Look further than
We’ve gone before,
We’ve ever been!
You see the blood
Stained on the hands,
The reward for
The self demands!
We all want
To consult
With reflections
That push and pull
Deep beneath
The chest and skull!
Shedding light
On the empty soul-

You
Are
Un-
Sure
Who
You
Want
To
Be-
So
You
Cre-
Ate
World­s
Where
You’ll
Be
Free-
Hide
The
Shame
That
You
Hope
Will
Leave-
Be-
Fore
Your
Hap
Pi
Ness
Won’t
Make
You
Ha-
Ppy-

So try all you might to upheave the grass to find the buried tomb-
The empty grave will find its way to carry you in too-

We all
We all
We all
-search for who we really are;
-hope that we’ll be happy
-fall short in such a trivial pursuit, and end up wanting to leave so badly!
-cut our arms and hearts and souls to ease the pain we’re having!
-hold on to what we call concrete, while it’s grasp is clearly detaching!

It's the words I need to say,
The ones that my tongue can taste,
That keep me awake,
That keep my head from taking it's place.
What happened to the time I had to spend?
Was it never meant to have been?
I can never tell just when
It all falls.

What happened to that song I said I'd write
About how the kids are still my life
And how I'm still a kid in this heart of mine?
Was it just all make believe
Or do I really mean
All the words I leave
Behind.

My walls are painted white to hide my stains,
And to hide the fact that my name
Is still the only one left to blame.
My mind is locked in chain, I made them strong.
Were my dreams just too long?
Was I just all wrong?

These fragile thoughts all start to break
And sadly my own words are the only advice I take.
The ripples in the water have now become waves
And they're the ghosts that haunt my halls nowadays.

Sometimes I dream of yesterday,
And I wish I had it back!
Oh, I wish that it would stay!
Sometimes I dream of what I'd say
If I could do it all again!
Oh, time always has it's way these days!
And when I see you in my picture frame,
I wonder what made us all float away-

Do you dream of me?
Because I dream of you.
And sadly my own dreams
Are the ones that leave me bruised.
Do you sing of me?
Because I sing of you!
All these memories of us together
Are the ones that I never want to lose!

So just leave me be
Because I'd rather fall asleep
Than think of all my mistakes
And how it could've gone differently.
Leave me be
So I can dream
Once more of those sunsets
And the dust still on the trees.

It's been a couple years since the day that I left...
And there's nothing I wouldn't do to get back all the time I spent...
Because even though I'm happy...
Still this is the same dream that I dreamt...

I miss those long walks at night beneath those shining stars.
I miss the days when we could talk alone about our hardened hearts.
The sunsets were my favorite thing until I went away.
I always used to say I wished I'd leave, but in the end I just wanted to stay!
These memories of me and you are the memories that I see all day.
The memories of the blazing sun beating down on us can't be erased.
I used to tell you that I'm over it and that I've moved on and found my way,
But honestly to be open here, I would do anything to be back out by the lake!

You and me,
We were okay,
Life was as slow
As yesterday.
Nothing changed,
It was routine.
Nothing changed
For you and me.

We used to stay up at night and count stars in the sky,
And lately all I've wanted is to find a way to relax my mind.
But all these memories of you and me still keep me awake,
And just as I fall asleep I start to think of how it would be!
If it was still you and me!
If it was still our adventure, and we were both free!
They say the hardest part of life comes when you're getting old,
But to be honest there's no time when you're used to letting go!
So let it go!
So let it go!
Let me float away down my streets, down my roads!
I hear your voice!
I hear your voice!
Let me float away down the streets,
Down your throat and into your lungs
So I can feel the vibration of your songs.

I hung myself outside for all to see
That this life of remembrance is hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
I miss my old friends and the way they were apart of me!

I sit in my bedroom and I listen to one more song,
I know the message to be true, but some days I don't want to sing along!
So play me a sad key, play me a dark note!
I'm still hanging from the noose on October's rope.

God I know your listening to what I have to say,
And I know that you still have a plan, but is this how it all comes to play?
I know things come and go, but I wish that never had to be,
To be honest father, I've gone through a lot, but I miss them the most desperately.

Dear piano,
You are tales of mystery to me
Floating around the space in my head.
You're a death to be take,
A life that we all forget.
You're a poem blowing in the breeze,
You're a leaf falling in the wind.
Your the snow melting away after the harsh winter
And you're the fox who stalks his prey
In silence.
I see you when I skip my way down the park
And also when the masked man comes creeping
Slowly as he reaches his victim
And as his maniacal hand plunges the knife
Deep into his heart-

You are stories of lost love!
The ones that we write of in our paper back diaries.
The ones we keep in the back of our minds,
Waiting for our stories to unfold.
You're the keys to my sad songs
And the melody to my hope.
You're those long forgotten sunsets,
But also the rain when I walk back home.

I remember walking home without an umbrella,
And I wish I had you out on my road,
Playing yourself away as my whole body became soaked.
You will always be in the memories of my worst days,
And you will always be the writer of my love songs.
So tell me-
Is tonight another night of failure and flight
Or will I fight to get back up and make things right.

I hear you resounding in my dreams
And I hear you calming down my unending screams.
I feel you pulsing like butterflies flapping their wings
Or like humming birds while they stay and sing.

You are the steps of young feet on ice
And you're the magic in their young undying eyes.
You're the light in their small lives,
And your also their reason to fight.

You are the sound of adventure out to sea
Where nothing but bottles of *** are waiting for me.

But you're also all the demons that still claw at my mind.
And I try to forget about you every time I hear your melodies shiver down my spine.

And then silence-

And many have traveled my road before me,
And I'm not the only torch blazing underneath the expanse of space.
But I
Still feel
Alone.
And I
Still walk
Alone.

And my voice still echoes in the distance!
And I still think that maybe someone else is mocking my shouts,
Calling back to me the same call that I called out in an instant!
But I'm so empty that even my enemies have left me to drown!

And many have traveled this road before me!
I can tell because I can see this path stained with their blood!
The blood of giving up before we can finally see the son!
Oh it's drenched in the tears of waiting for someone to show up!
And in the distance I still hear them crying out for something.

Oh, I've never felt as afraid of getting to the end
As when it ends!
As when I face the fact that I've lost a lot of my friends!
And that the more time I spend
On the road!
On my own!
The more the dark and the light start to blend!
And I bend!
Till I break
And my knees
Start to shake!
And I sit and I still wait!
I sit and I wait!
I sit and I wait!
Oh and I wait as I watch the Florida sun
Set down it's burdens and turn in before it's too late!
Oh I wish that somedays I could wake up to the sun one more time!
And that my memories could find a way to slip away from my mind!
But I've branded myself with the mark of defeat!
And I stare at my heart and study it's beat
As it retreats!
As it slows while I breathe!
And I hope that when it stops maybe you'll be all that I see.

I'm so afraid that when I finally look up at those eyes
That they will turn and look away from mine,
Because I'm
Just another soul on the line
Of time,
Ticking away until the day I die
Inside
And make my way to the place where you decide
What's right
And the fate I'll have for eternity's life,
And to make matters worse
I've done a good job of shutting out your light.
So why do I deserve anything by a turn-away glance from your eyes!
Why would I deserve anything but that look for the disappointments and despised!
What compelled you to give me another chance to love you like
The way you loved me?
What compelled you to love me even when you knew I wouldn't try
To love you?

My God's grace goes far beyond the wrong choices we've made!
It goes far beyond those promises we break,
Promising that our addictions are long forgotten and washed away
While the next day we fall for the tenth time on our face!
My God's grace goes far beyond the fact that you're facing habits that you can't break
And you feel like killing yourself is the only way you can be saved!
My God's grace goes far beyond what men like to say,
How only certain things are able to be erased!
Oh, but they lie with their poison in their veins!
Because my God said that this world is what he came to save!
And I'm pretty sure that this world is heading towards the grave!
So let me tell you my family, don't you be afraid.
Don't worry that maybe God will turn his head away
If you go and ask him to take all of your unwanted shame.
Don't you be afraid,
My God's words were never said in vain.

"they won't know what you did last night!"
there are hurried steps they hear upstairs
but the date night can't wait.
It's already waited 35 years to happen
and now that he's started to go to bed early
lock himself up in his room
and isolate from his friends at school,
they can finally get some alone time
and enjoy their passion fruit.

"the time you spend away is just a joy to this world!"
it made sense to him that no one came to the rescue
and that his parents celebrated his demise.
Just in time for him to pick the position for them to find him
while he's dead and long gone
far away from the responsibility of
saying goodbye to those who will never stop missing him
but
"they will finally love you when  you're gone!"
was all he could hear
from the chanting harmonies to
hell.








eyes locked to only light in the room like a moth
he believes that he has pain like a damage brain
but his mouth still waters at the thought of happiness,
enough to make him live every single
day.


-stop pretending like life is one step away from suicide
because you diminish the pain of those who are
and pretending that you have pain will only get you so far
and your misjudgment will lead others farther into the dark-







the moonlight is out and I just can't think
about anything else than the fact that I
don't understand-
i never know why i feel like i'm sad,
when i feel so nostalgic that it burns it's own path
through the forest of thought that surrounds my mind
and i wish i could come out into the light
but i know there's a reason to explore every inch of this
darkness that lingers inside of me drifting-
i just want to say that everyday is worth living
and even these dark parts of the world are worth exploring
there is joy in the eyes of those who starve to death
there is joy in the eyes of those who know nothing
there is joy in the eyes of many who have suffered
and there is joy to be found in the eyes of those who are suffering.
there is new glory
there is new fountains of sparkling welfare to be found and fountained into our throats and to come splashing out and onto others-
there is much to ***** about
(in a good way)
there is much to be found
and much to be lost
and not enough time to keep trying to write something sentimental
when you have nothing to say.

i remember when
i used to feel like
you never cared about what happened to me
and i felt like they'd never understand anyways-

they would say things like
"you don't know what you want"
or
"you're too young to understand",
and i could've gone to war with my arguments
and demands
and i could've waged war with my words for hours
until they caved
and gave me what i was craving-

and today
i find myself thinking
"you don't know what you want"
and
"you're too young to understand",
and i can't help but remember feeling like a hopeless child
with nothing but my reasoning
and anger,
frustrated by everything around me.

i sympathize with the fact that
your dad left and never came back
and
your mom wants to leave too
and
the world seems to be leaving you-
and
i sympathize with the truth that
you can't let them know you're weak
and
you can't just accept defeat
and
that letting things go makes you look badly
like you're afraid,
scared,
and
small-
all i can say is that
one day
you will look back
and realize you had no idea what you were doing
and you can be thankful for the arguments you lost,
and regret the ones you won.

people are either clouds
caverns
or crowds
-jagged inside and out
hard to condense into one thing
or a mystery, never to be pulled down.
yet they capture
our eyes
and minds
making us wonder what lies inside:
what is left to be figured out.

Eleven o'clock in the afternoon today,
Yet my eyes find it hard to keep themselves awake,
While my breath struggles to breathe well, to inhale fate,
And my body tends to eat food that starts to oxidate!
And my mind
is still stuck in between it's broken place
While the broken are breaking bones just to give themselves a break!
And I
try to hide my poems from this world, it's timeless fate,
And sit by
while my generation has the largest growing suicide rate!
But my
friends are pushing closer to the end of that date,
While my
family does it's best to help people find grace!
Why would I
who has all this talent try to stow it away,
When I
could use it to save lives, maybe find someone to save!
Someone open my eyes, let them be open wide!
For these past years I've let go on by
While I sit back down and watch them die!
For every day rises a new sun, a purposeful light
And my days were made for more, not just a singular life!
But the rhyme in my poems keeps me tangled inside
Like my words are solution, but the coffin surprise
Is waiting there for me like I can't tell you why
The pages recede and the shoreline declines
While the shadow in secret awaits me at 9!
My words bring my death and the end of my time!
The promise I wrote you was written in white
So I can say I can't see it, I can say that I'm blind
But the fact that we're dancing has it's own facts implied
That I promised you this, but I left you to die!

Forgive me-
These words were meant to make you whole
But it left you a hole in your side-
Believe me-
These lies were meant to make you know
That I would not tell you goodbye-
Deceive me-
Like I deceived you so intricately
Like the ending was designed by me!
Like I'm the mastermind behind the scheme!
I'm the demon of minds, I'm the things that I speak!

Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
For you will find yourself looking back
Wondering why, bottled up in regret.

I wait for the sunset
To darken the Ally,
As I stare at you down the way.

I stand without motion
And so do you,
And so do you!
We stare as the sun goes by
And the clouds clean up the mess.

After the breeze blows
It carries away the stench!
And I don't have to worry
About the maggots from your head!

After the breeze blows
I walk back to my car!
The bullets
In your chest
Are still screaming,
Still screaming!
My gun still whispering,
"Just walk away."

After the breeze blows
The dirt covers up your skin,
And the name that once stood tall
Is now in his grave.

Here we go
Another testament of what we already know
Just for show
So that the unbelievers will be put back in the quiet zone.
That's what is right?
That's what's in his write?
And to put people in their place is something that is his right?
And here he is pointing his little fingers at the other man,
The same fingers that pick his boogers on the same pointers on the other hand.
And he wants all those around him to understand?
When he cant stand
While his temper rises and nostrils flare as his eyes expand.
Tell me this, tell me this,
When did the solution to the polluted arguments turn to breaking wrists
Over the back and forth action of battling opposites
Who wait for their friends to chime in and throw them some compliments.
"It's only common sense."
"It's only civil defense."
"I'm trying to prove that everyone's wrong and I'm the one in perfect tense."
Sadly
We all gladly
Trade our thoughts for emotion and want to get rid of truth so badly.
We turn to insanity and sadly we're in love so madly.
I don't throw shade but I stay under my shady tree.
Pass me the plate of fries but don't you dare give salt to me.
You see I'm free,
I don't need some validation from my anger to give me Identity.
So finish up your childish games,
It's time for dessert, but your still stuck on your tiny screen.

a sound is heard

the morning bird
weeps

do i dare
speak?

a sound is heard

my heart breaks
but i only have thoughts
incomplete

not words.

i play with a pencil, placed on my desk
pattering the patterns playing in my head
and heart, helping me to focus on the board
proudly performing arts in art class, thinking of more
than the blank page
the perfect slate
the new creation to be made
im creating
recreating
imitating
the intimidating, impressive instrument
imprinting the imprints through pencil and finger prints
banging out the band's
sick-nasty
convulsive
seizure inducing
polyrhythms-
i shake my head
but i wish i could shake my soul
scream out of control
yell until their ears bleed
and i ***** uncontrollably
to the sound of these sounds sounding
like i need to say something to stop their stomping, stamping, pounding

-the teacher kicks my desk
and tells me to get back to work
and to stop tapping
because i should be doing something else;
it doesn't matter
can't remember what it was i was supposed to be doing anyway-

Leaning over the counter
With her light-skinned hands holding her face
From colliding with the cold metal,
She stares blankly at the white walls
Splattered with drippings from the ham,
And the tuna shavings that never made it into the bowl.

She stares blankly
While the heavy purple circles around her eyes
Weigh deeper into her ****** structure,
Like dark fences around the gateway to her soul.
She doesn’t blink

For when she closes her eyes
She can’t help but daydream-
Daddy singing Amber Jean to her
Before he gets wrapped up
And stuffed away in a tight box-
Her boyfriend holding her close
As the ******* is lifted to his nostrils
Before his fists,
Like surprise kisses,
Imprint their love upon the back of her skull-

The doctor’s hands
As he opens the garbage can and dumps the ovaries
Containing the cancer that caused her to believe she’s pregnant –
Something that she can dream of no more.

Tilting her head,
She breathes out for a long time,
Her eyes fixed in place,
And blinks.

turn
close the wooden door
take a look around
exhale out some more-
burn
let anger be restored
let out all your bitterness
as a complaint of love now poor
-
“People walked away”
“They never cared enough”
“Someone always hurts us”
“I guess that wasn’t love”
Never taking into consideration
The walls you’ve been putting up,
How you never made much an effort,
And how your always giving up-

Give up if you really want to
But don’t blame me for never reaching out;
I’d dive into hell just to say I love you-

you’d probably ignore the sound

This world is like a cigarette-
The peak of it's existence
Burning bright to moon dead eyes,
Crumbling in after a swift breath.

sometimes
things don’t play out the way you want them to
but what’s up to you
is whether that makes it good or bad
- some don’t understand and won’t ever do
that the reaction and emotional transaction
is something you get to choose-
regardless of the feelings others had.

concerned confusion moves like a lizard up a wall
scuttling in and out of my conscious thoughts,
like a heart murmur before the attack.
to my dismay, the condition is caused by this
new way of living-
having a routine,
steady pay,
safe environment,
and consistent community-
i have never been so weary of a foundation so sturdy
that it could replace the earth's crust
and prevent all tectonic movement.
yet
i am so afraid-
i am so afraid that this peace
is just the ashy smoke of my fire finally dying-
the eye spots left over once the sun is put away
and i can no longer stare at it's glory.
i am afraid that this is the cost of my comfort
and that i am no longer upset because i have learned
to accept it.

at times it feels like there is this monolith in front of me
blocking my path to the valleys flowing with milk and honey.
rain
can you wash this mountain away?
let it be made out of sand and sink slowly into the ground.
rain
can you remind me of the secret of contentment?
that there is some secret valley to be found in each moment?
sun
dry up what i have set into ruin.
let nature persevere (as it always does),
growing deep out of damp crevices,
bursting through foundations
laid harder than these new livings-
laid harder than anything old
that i felt i could not
break.

a pebble pounce bounces down the deep street
blowing with the brushing breeze
until the undertones of unpleasant winds
bring to a stop the stumbling pebbles steep steps-

listen
catch your breath
before life convinces you
to waist your lungs on a screaming match
with a sidewalk-
you don't know about the wind
little pebble.
all you know about is your pounce bounce
flouncing, doused in doing your daily doings-
yet you don't know about the wind
little pebble.
when your steps are stopped, you must be stopped
and when the breeze dies down, you cannot move-
yet you think you are in control of your movements

listen
acknowledge that you don't know where you are going
or what you're doing with your goings
and maybe
when the goings stop their showing
and tentative winds stop blowing
and you are sitting
stuck
without motion
on a sidewalk crack
slipping through
yet intact
maybe you will not curse the road you are on
but thank the wind for carrying you this far
little pebble.

My world!
My beautiful world!
Your mouths are endless fountains of profound shouts and
I have seen the things you breathe in man's hearts and
I've tried to tell my brothers that they're lies,
But we keep letting your voices in every time.

My world told me that poetry was supposed to be my only thing
And my only way of expressing my inner me.
It told me lies about who I was and how I should think.
It told me that I need to write like I bleed this ink.

My God!
I don't want anyone else to think that I'm still in love with me!
You are the only thing I want to see
And your hope has grounded me by your streams!
I'm in love with you and how you fill up my dreams!

I'm not an aching, brooding, bleeding, receding, deceiving
Deceasing, cheating, repeating voice with a black heart beating.
I am your son!
I don't know how you allow the dust of the earth
To be rebirth into your arms and claim you as a father!
My voice was always meant to be singing love songs to you.
Recently I've been dying to sing again.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I just wanted to hold my God's hand
And dance with him forever.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I honored my father with my lips
And used my fiery tongue to bless and encourage.

What I do with my life is mine
And what I do with yours is fine-
The alarm will wake us all up one last time
And we won’t sit and figure out why
I chose to live the way I wanted to
Or why I never allowed you to,
There will only be the glittering light
and fading shapes
And the sounds of other spirits
Floating home.

Accept the abuse
Until the chorus chimes in
Reminding you that it’s all over.

Dear Benny,
I know I left when you were just a small boy
As you watched my ship sail off the shore.
I know I left you and said that I loved you
And I kissed your head as you slept the night before,
But all I can recall is the sad look on your face
As I left without a trace!
I could've sworn I saw the frown in your cheeks
As I packed my bags to leave!
Son, I dream of the days when my apologies would mean something
And you could find the heart to forget someone who never had one!

Well son, your daddy was a pirate!
I left long ago so I could find some island
That we all believed to be out there!
But son I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere!
It's the thoughts of what you look like now,
How you've grown and how your little voice sounds,
That haunt my deepest thoughts and my deepest sorrows!
I just want to hold you in my arms tomorrow!

Oh these waves just rock my heart in circles
Like I used to lull you to sleep as the sun sets!
I wish I never left!
I wish I never left!
My heart's still stained with all my regret!
Just remember that when you grow old and start your life
To never live it the way I lived mine!

I heard you're quite the sailor, son,
And I hear you smile just like your mother.
I hear that mom found another man,
And now you have another brother.
Why won't these chests of gold and bottles of ***
Fill this gaping hole inside my black heart!
All I have left is the bitter taste!
All I have left is the bitter taste!
Alcohol makes it all seem great,
But, Benny, it's brought me to these final days!
Find yourself a wife and kiss your son goodnight!
Because sometimes I dream of the days when I'll die!
And to be honest it's starting to feel good.

every time i wake up, i stare at the floor boards
waiting in silence until my thoughts **** me slowly
i take the stake, shove it through my brain
stop and think how much the devil has shown me
late at night, terror fright, taking flight, fighting might
shifting eye, little lie, guess i'll make this my plight!

demonic devil, do you use the deadly treadle
tapping toes too, to blue jam with your dreaded treble!
scratching claws now on chalk board black tops with your kettle!
shifting serpent spitting death you are black rose pedals!
kiss me quickly with bliss, i know the taste will settle!
watch my eyes close under sunlight, too late to level-

so, i let your poison seep deep into my concrete, abstract, and spirituality
hoping that the hoax has only one hold on my hellish individuality,
and that one omen of open obliteration making available my obliquity
stops before the second-strike sinks in my skin and makes me sing my dead man soliloquy-
how hopeful!
how hopeful to think that one mess is enough to get me by from the rest,
that enough is enough for me when i mess up,
and i will always be going good, going right, not running left.
sadly
i get mistaken by my madness for a smile and a pasture behind the veil that’s masked it!
while the laughter in my catacomb cerebellum crystallizes my coffin with convoluted clasps and cocoons me in my casket!
swallow the final wishes to walk away without wondering what would have went down without wanting to ask this
last question to push you powerfully over the edge without paying attention to the proper time, not seeing it’s all plastic!
because we’ve passed the only moment to turn our backs without the consequences of living in our bloodied baskets!
we kissed the serpent’s lips and ****** the spit off his silky-smooth tongue, mixing salt with fresh, leaving everything brackish!
cut off the arms and tongue before the venom attaches,
but still i swallow it whole and expect to outlast it-

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

we are at the mercy of our perspectives
will illusions relent their tireless message?
can one overcome one's own comprehension?
can you be taught without one telling you,
can one tell you without inciting aggression?
is truth inherently aggressive-
how can one be true
or even true to you
without hatred breeding and becoming incessant?

Desolate
Deserted
No room for a quenching air-
Agape is the mouth
The dust now degraded
Leaving emptiness and despair-
Closing in to you
To confide in the dark
A whisper heard, still scared-
When you give all you have
To the bottomless pit
You’re left with it’s empty stare!
Deeply
Darkly
Death inhales!
“Your poison paints me black till I’m desolate,
frail!”

I love you.

I know you don't believe that I'm here with you now,
But I've been watching you since the day you were born.
Oh, I've been watching you sleep at night
And I've been doing my best to keep you alive.
I've been seeing all your dreams
And I know that you never dream of me,

But Arthur, that's okay!

I'm still standing here with my arms open, waiting for you to come my way!
I don't hate you my son!
I've loved you since the day I placed breath in your lungs!
Since the day that I planned your purpose and created each crease in your skin!
Since the day that I molded your shape and constructed your skeleton!
I've been in love with you since the day I thought of making you!
Since the day I thought of creating you!
I just want you to come home.

This world is depressing, my son,
And it will always leave you empty.
Your pain can only be taken away by my strength,
You can't do it with your own hands!
You don't need to create a sonnet of apologies to make it up to me,
You just have to let me embrace you!
You just have to let me carry you home!

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night
I miss your lips
and the moon that shined so bright
I miss your eyes
and the way you held me tight
I miss you
and the ship that sank that night

I saw it coming
It was going down
but I refused to except it
while you twirled me around

We danced that night
under the stars
you kissed my heart
where others left scars

You waltzed me to the edge
with your gentle words
as you said
hold your breath

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night



Well I used to be a captain of my heart
Until the waves came crashing in and tore my ship apart.
It's the subtle waves that cause me to shiver nowadays
As I try to float on by, clinging tightly to stray wooden planks.
I'm drowning under the thickness of salt!
I'm parched of my joy and it's getting harder to call!
We all drown in these ships that we sailed with pride!
While one heart lives, another one dies!

Dear shore,
I've missed your green grass for some time now.
I always wanted to sail out to sea,
But maybe it would've been better if I never had to leave.

you can’t hold the weight
of the pain pulling down your face
forming the unpleasant stares,
corroding an unpleasant gaze.
you can’t hold your weight
without leaning on the cupboards-
but the wood’s about to break!
cover the mess behind closed shutters.
i try to hold your weight,
just a fraction,
but a hurt man hurts
without care for their actions!
and you begin to say
that the high horse
is in between my aching legs,
trying to carry you safely to bed!
i know i’m no escape
or a crutch
but to say i’m an enemy-
**** yourself to your grave!

-i didn’t mean it
i didn’t mean to say
the words you think of
every day.
i didn’t mean it
i hurt you today,
the pain, i can take it,
just to see you stay.

Painted colors
Painted colors
You said we’d be painted
To be different from the others
But all I see
Are walls painted
Grey

I bring my little light
Into a bigger night
I fear that the darkness
Can cover my little life
But I know this candle
Will burn back the dark
Till day
Break.

Once the grey box takes you
Tumbles up and shakes you
And puts you to the test,
Let them cut you open
Spill the paint to show them
That your colors can’t be repressed!
When they try and hold you
Crumple up and fold you
And mold into something else,
Burn your wick till empty
Set fire to the plenty
Your fire cannot be dispelled!

I don’t think that you wanted to make me,
But if you did, would you tell?
A silent note is a deafening coattail
To follow the cries and the yells-

For the roadside seems as no one else has tread here
And the wind from a breeze is never felt.
The blood on my feet indicates that I’m walking
But I think I never walked, I only fell-

If I’m the only one that is meant to endure this
Then rid me of the scenery and smell-
Let me feel alone on a world you created
A world that continually feels like hell.

“Everything under the sun is meaningless”  
says the teacher,
‘truly meaningless’



the hands that toil
to endless returns
will find out that the breaking
wasn’t worth the burn-
the days spent in agony
and months spent hoarding away
will be forgotten
on the last and final days.
there is one thing remembered,
one lasting effigy-
the words you cry out in judgment
facing death’s depravity!
for there are no assurances
that a man can find!
the teachers prophecy shall be remembered,
“Everything is meaningless” we leave nothing behind!

After all the years, you'd think I'd forget,
But my nightmares keep coming back, they won't relent.
I still remember all my worst memories
And sad as it is they will still be apart of me,
Because late in the night
When lay down to sleep
I can't stop my mind
From thinking of what life would be
If everything stayed the way I wanted it
And left me alive
But the worst part of life is that
Even when you grow old die
That you can never go back.

What I would give for second chances,
What I would give to get my moments again.
I'd tell my family that I'd miss them when we're no more.
I guess I just wish we had more time than before...












I still can hear the thoughts playing on my cassette tapes,
They're all broken records, all stuck on replay,
I thought I escaped,
I thought I escaped,
I thought I escaped!
But my heart is a hard thing to replace!
So I sit here still dreaming
Of what a family still is!
But my investigations show that it doesn't exist...













-I wear a lot of faces, I wear a lot of things,
But the one that I forget belongs to me!
These pencils don't do justice to the thoughts in my seas!

eroding before me
are these tiny strings
still pulling apart
still tied to me,
but
I know these delicate attachments
won’t last as long as
the ropes I tie around my waist,
but the invisible touch can sometimes
silently vibrate against my skin
and catch the lighting,
reminding me who’s at the end
of my string
far away from me,
and I can be happy-
yet
sometimes
I see
that this
hidden thread
is marked in crimson blood
threading itself through my skin
into my muscles
and out back again-
I must not only
pull out my scissors
to cut
but
now I must
pull until the barb slices through my skin again-
a lesson I will never learn.

I’m so quick to fill my head with something
that I no longer have time to think,
to dream,
to imagine new things-
I just stick to my consuming routine,
always stuffing myself without remembering
that stuffing myself isn’t fulfilling,
but will actually leave me emptier than starving.

the humidity wasn’t even a speckled planned element,
or a slight forethought,
but as he could only taste salt in his cracking lips
and could barely open his eyes
as the sun and the sweat beat them shut,
he began to remember the musk-
and as his car swerved past the landfill
he began to remember the stench-
they accounted for all witnesses
and would be witnesses
but as the elements beat memory into his shut eyelids
and into his dripping nostrils
the nausea permitted open door ways.
After he planned for weeks
how to get her out of her
skin,
he could bury the body
but he couldn’t bury the scent of rotting corpse
mixed with sweat
*****
and Lavender Dream by Dolce Diruje-
and neither could he manage to drive with his eyes closed
while trying to ***** out the window,
splattering his face into a nearby semi,
spinning out of control,
flipping three times before
missing all roadside trees by pure-luck,
landing upside down in the nearby pond,
drowning the rest of his accomplices in their guilt,
and literally in water.
should’ve just vomited in your lap,
idiot.

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
Intermission-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
Watch them rattle-
Shattered glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies ******* down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

do you ever want to take
everyone you love
stuff them in a box
push them out the door
somewhere far away
where they can’t be seen or heard
and you can finally find some time alone
lonely
free as a bird

everyone will die
no one wants to until they realize that life is prison
and in death they are free-
they are like orphans, taken in with kindness
unaware of their caretaker
[who they are,
what they want from them-]
when death is your foster parent,
his abuse isn’t forthright-
it’s like I learned in kindergarten
“how do you boil a frog?”
“slowly increasing the heat over a long  period of time.”
relax too long in his hot spring
and death may make a meal out of your naivety-

it’s only human;

when you are tortured days upon days
you ask for the bitter gall to hasten your death;
and life can be torturous to many
as everyday we are crushed by a millstone:
the weight of the rotting bodies
of children who took their parents gun
put it into their mouths
thinking they could swallow bullets,
leaving pieces of their skull
as little gifts to those that are left behind-

we are crushed by the purposeless, repetitive work load-
we form addictions just to cope with the lack of sleep
lack of energy
lack of love
lack of connection
and lack of intuition that we are forced to experience-

i was always told
“get used to doing the same thing and never changing
because it doesn’t end in school
it continues every day
until you finally get to pass away
with those who love you surrounding your side.”
oh death can’t be the only reward in this life!
no wonder why we can’t ever lose infatuation with killing ourselves,
“it all has to be better-
something has to be better-
anything could be better
than what we live in”-

I’ve found that the grass is never greener on the other side of the wall
it’s just sometimes taller
or shorter
or has some different plants growing inside
but the color only changes with the seasons
and we will all experience rainfall and drought
even God says that “it shall rain on the just and the unjust.”
so I move forward
remembering that “i have learned the secret
of being content
in any and every situation
whether well fed or hungry, whether living
in plenty or in want.”
and I cling to this verse as a  stronghold in my faith-

we will all see hell rain down in this earth
and many will weep as the blood and bones are crushed
and the skin is melted away
and also when the spirit is divided from the soul,
but there are still many who will not be concerned with
this or that
or the troubles of the day
and like nurses
they will stomach the stench of decay
and the sight of blood
and they will rush to aid those weeping
and comfort the broken,
picking up the pieces,
helping to fix their shattered complexion,
and will not take the bitter gall
but endure suffering-
and in suffering
we will find true freedom-
becoming like Christ
like lambs to the slaughter
and we will see our reward.

I look at you
everyday
either way,
I can’t feel the pleasure stay,
envious,
out of touch,
out of mindful bend and brush!
pull and push,
trim the bush,
hold back all your fears!
hold back all your fears!
I watch you
everyday,
either way
I’m not getting better!
tell your story
state your statement,
I still can’t feel the pleasure!
-hold back my fears-