you were raised with a silver spoon placed in your mouth
you had it ripped out and thrown around, so you learned to grab it and fight to get it no matter the amount of thrashing you needed to do to get it
I was raised to lick the scraps of love off the sharp side of a knife
you love parts of me
fractions that you pick and choose but never the entire spoonful
I am cough syrup on your silver spoon
sweet but an underlying bitterness that you can't stand
I wish you loved me in my entirety

I want to tell you about my day

I want to tell you that I went to see my old house and I felt this sickening nostalgia as my mom and I drove down the road that my dad left us on
the same road we chased after him on 13 some years ago

I want to tell you that today I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize my reflection, all I saw was this girl looking back at me that I didn't even recognize, nor liked

I want to tell you that I miss you but I'm starting to miss myself more, how I feel like you're attempting to control the tings that composed my very being before I met you

I want to tell you that I don't think you understand life or people as much as you think you do
I don't think you care about me the same way that you used to

I want to tell you that I feel like I'm rotting and wasting away but don't have the strength anymore to get up and do anything about it

I want to tell you that I don't think I'm as extroverted as I used to be, being around people for longer than a few hours makes me physically exhausted enough to faint

I want to tell you that love is not control, love is attending a thousand funerals of who someone used to be and loving each person they become without trying to change that

I want to tell you I made the front page of a poetry website I've been writing on for 5 years and I'm proud of myself for creating something I think is worthwhile even if you don't

I want to read you my poetry but I know you well enough to know you won't appreciate the thoughts I have, writing them off as some heavy self destructive woman who's too emotional sometimes or not emotional enough at others

I want to read you my poetry and have you truly listen

one by one i’ll pull my teeth from my mouth
i am so full of rage
i want to be soft despite that
i’ll put them in a jar
to remind myself
harsh words come from a harsh mouth
without my teeth
maybe i’ll be softer

your voice is my lullaby
your body my blanket
your hands on my thighs
i’m a hopeless romantic

i’m tossing and turning
i lay here alone
hoping and praying
that you’ll maybe phone

this twin size bed
i happen to call my own
feels so much more empty
this space deemed the unknown

late at night
alone in my bed
i no longer use my strength to hold myself together
instead i hold your shirt.

i will write poetry for myself
admiring all the imperfections
just like people do with art

when i write about other people
frantically scribbling words on a page
to express love
or hate
or something at all

why can't i write the same way for myself
the intense verses and elaborate wording
all used to express a feeling that no combination of words will
ever explain

perhaps if i stare in the mirror long enough
my body will begin to feel like my own,
my face won't distort to a disfigured mess
i'll learn to love my long golden hair
my eyes that look like the earth from outer space
the soft jawline i've always hated
asymmetry embodied

maybe then i'll realize that even scribbles are beautiful too.

when i wrote about you
i wrote in floods of passion
tears dripping and smearing the ink on my pages
ruining the art i made all about you
just like you ruined me

i saw you in my dreams again
i saw your instagram with yellowed film pictures
pictures of you and your family and your dog
and pictures of me
of us
together

i thought i was over you

i've heard people say
"the one thing worse than sadness is indifference"

the people who say that
haven't spent the late nights
curled up sobbing on the bathroom floor
shuddering with each breath,
quietly screaming for strength
"oh god let me make it through tonight"

people who say that haven't played russian roulette
with themselves
gambling their lives for pieces of hope that may never show

people who say
that indifference is worse than sadness
couldn't be more wrong
i'd rather feel nothing than the weight of what i can't control crushing the life out of me

sometimes when people hold me
i don't think they realize
how many broken pieces they're holding together
even just for a moment
before they let go and i fall apart all over again

i wouldn't say that i miss you
but sometimes
when a small memory of you and i plays in my mind
i notice

maybe the colors were always a little brighter with you around

it's been two years
730 days
since you looked at me crying
on the verge of imploding
and threw your hands up in the air

you threw me up in the air
nobody left to catch me

so gravity took the reigns and i hit the ground
harder than i ever had before

but just like i've always done
i've continued to pick myself up
and i realized

i never needed you to save me from falling
because gravity is natural
and all i needed to get up
was myself

a year ago today, you left me
you sat there, at my darkest hour and decided
that i wasn't what you wanted anymore

i was naïve to believe in a forever for us
and even more so for thinking you'd save me from myself.

since then,
while i still feel a vacant spot in my heart
and in my soul,
i'm okay

even though i know you'll never call me again
i've grown to a point where if you came back to me,
i'd be just fine, without you.

i spend my lonely nights
on my knees, head craned to the sky

begging God why
i have to pay for everyone else's sins,

or maybe its me paying for all the things i never did

if history repeats itself
i pray we aren't just another doomed love story

torn somewhere between
i never wanna see you again
and
i need to see you again

i haven't seen you in 7 months yet you're always on my mind
you became the worst of my inner demons

today marked another year of my being
and i reflected on who i am
what do i wanna take with me?
hate, jealousy, burden and sadness?
or do i simply let it go

this world spins way too fast
my head turns a little too slow

when i was little my sister showed me a movie,
a man's daughter got murdered, and yet, he forgave the murderer.

you were my first real encounter with death.
you were the one who killed me, long before i'll stop breathing.

out of nowhere
a magician pulled out
a beautiful bunch of flowers
and with a snap of a finger
it was gone

the trees have ears
they're the only ones who hear me cry

we weren't meant to be like this
you can build up as many walls as you want
to protect your stone cold heart

but that's not the way we were made
our bodies pump warm
red
blood

and underneath those stones
your heart
is still soft
despite the struggle it faces to keep beating

you weren't made to do that

i have a fire in my soul
but i let people walk on me and put it out

because if you get too close
fire burns.

things have to fall apart
so that they can fall into place

you look like new fallen rain
you taste like honey
but your soul is bitter
and your heart is stone

the moon is 238,900 miles away
yet it still controls the tides
you are 783 miles away
and yet you still control my heart

you were in my dream last night
and i woke up
and everything we did meant nothing

maybe i was blinded by love
too busy burying myself in you
to noice that you maybe loved my body a little too much
and loved me a little bit less.

when you love someone
the falling feels like flying

but at the end of the day falling is falling
and the cold hard ground is always there

theres a law stating matter cannot be created nor destroyed
heartbreak is the same

the process of collecting hearts to mend your own is as old as time
heartbreak isn't created

just passed from person to person

you're not hard to let go of
but the memory of who i thought you were
is impossible to get off my mind

who are you
under the mask of the person
you pretend to be

who else am i supposed to be
if not myself

at the end of the day
this is all finite

at the end of the day
i'll be gone and so will you

at the start of today
you'll leave and i'll be sad

but once the sun sets
your name will finally slip my mind
and i'll never cry for you again.

at the start
you promised you wouldn't leave

at the start
you said i would be okay

at the start
you said you'd hold the pieces
while i glued together
the fragments of my soul

its ironic because in the end
it's all just false hope and broken promises.

i'm an enigma,
more complex than cryptograms

the blade making love to the skin during night,
a smile shining as bright as the sun during the day

moods changing faster than the weather

most people come out during a hurricane
thinking that it's stopped
but in reality it's just the eye of it

the storm will hit again
don't believe what you see
my storm isn't over either

this old house
creaks and groans
long past an unspecified expiration date

straining under pressures
it shouldn't have to bear
this old house should've collapsed a long time ago

this isn't fair
my soul
screams louder than the blizzard raging on outside

life isn't fair
i'm tired of this whole living thing
it's not a type of tired that sleep can fix

i don't want to feel ever again.

here are the words i'll never say to you.
i love you, truly.
it's a soul crushing love,
one you can physically feel.
all i feel now
is my lost soul
wandering
entwining
itself with you.

there are times like these
i feel so lost
no beacon
no hope
where am i supposed to go?

my head is spinning around you like galaxies
baby please

for the longest time
i believed love
was nothing but
a hope filled fantasy

i met you
and everything changed.

i search for you
little bits of your soul
like broken fragments
of sunlight shattered by a glass window

mismatched pieces
a little bit everywhere
you mean too much to me
and for what

i see you everywhere
in the words i write
in the sky at 12:03 pm
in the heat of a winter snowstorm

i feel so deeply for you
and all i ever see anymore
is you