this world spins way too fast
my head turns a little too slow

i will write poetry for myself
admiring all the imperfections
just like people do with art

i wouldn't say that i miss you
but sometimes
when a small memory of you and i plays in my mind
i notice

maybe the colors were always a little brighter with you around

when i write about other people
frantically scribbling words on a page
to express love
or hate
or something at all

why can't i write the same way for myself
the intense verses and elaborate wording
all used to express a feeling that no combination of words will
ever explain

perhaps if i stare in the mirror long enough
my body will begin to feel like my own,
my face won't distort to a disfigured mess
i'll learn to love my long golden hair
my eyes that look like the earth from outer space
the soft jawline i've always hated
asymmetry embodied

maybe then i'll realize that even scribbles are beautiful too.

i've heard people say
"the one thing worse than sadness is indifference"

the people who say that
haven't spent the late nights
curled up sobbing on the bathroom floor
shuddering with each breath,
quietly screaming for strength
"oh god let me make it through tonight"

people who say that haven't played russian roulette
with themselves
gambling their lives for pieces of hope that may never show

people who say
that indifference is worse than sadness
couldn't be more wrong
i'd rather feel nothing than the weight of what i can't control crushing the life out of me

when i wrote about you
i wrote in floods of passion
tears dripping and smearing the ink on my pages
ruining the art i made all about you
just like you ruined me

the moon is 238,900 miles away
yet it still controls the tides
you are 783 miles away
and yet you still control my heart

and there are
7 billion people
in this world of ours

and yet
i ache
because i feel
so very alone

i suppose
deep down
i deserve it
for reasons i don't know

theres a law stating matter cannot be created nor destroyed
heartbreak is the same

the process of collecting hearts to mend your own is as old as time
heartbreak isn't created

just passed from person to person

sometimes when people hold me
i don't think they realize
how many broken pieces they're holding together
even just for a moment
before they let go and i fall apart all over again

who are you
under the mask of the person
you pretend to be

11:18 pm.
i sit alone with the computer light
illuminating my face
in a dark room
alone with a temporary distraction

11:52 pm.
by now my computer has died
my thoughts screaming
and somehow always
drifting all the way back to you

12:39 am.
my soul aches
you hurt me
but you're all i have
please don't leave

11:18 pm.
this hasn't happened yet
i need you to leave my thoughts
but i need you here
before i lose myself in you

one by one i’ll pull my teeth from my mouth
i am so full of rage
i want to be soft despite that
i’ll put them in a jar
to remind myself
harsh words come from a harsh mouth
without my teeth
maybe i’ll be softer

i search for you
little bits of your soul
like broken fragments
of sunlight shattered by a glass window

mismatched pieces
a little bit everywhere
you mean too much to me
and for what

i see you everywhere
in the words i write
in the sky at 12:03 pm
in the heat of a winter snowstorm

i feel so deeply for you
and all i ever see anymore
is you

you were in my dream last night
and i woke up
and everything we did meant nothing

today marked another year of my being
and i reflected on who i am
what do i wanna take with me?
hate, jealousy, burden and sadness?
or do i simply let it go

it's been two years
730 days
since you looked at me crying
on the verge of imploding
and threw your hands up in the air

you threw me up in the air
nobody left to catch me

so gravity took the reigns and i hit the ground
harder than i ever had before

but just like i've always done
i've continued to pick myself up
and i realized

i never needed you to save me from falling
because gravity is natural
and all i needed to get up
was myself

who else am i supposed to be
if not myself

when you love someone
the falling feels like flying

but at the end of the day falling is falling
and the cold hard ground is always there

out of nowhere
a magician pulled out
a beautiful bunch of flowers
and with a snap of a finger
it was gone

i spend my lonely nights
on my knees, head craned to the sky

begging God why
i have to pay for everyone else's sins,

or maybe its me paying for all the things i never did

if history repeats itself
i pray we aren't just another doomed love story

the trees have ears
they're the only ones who hear me cry

my head is spinning around you like galaxies
baby please

here are the words i'll never say to you.
i love you, truly.
it's a soul crushing love,
one you can physically feel.
all i feel now
is my lost soul
wandering
entwining
itself with you.

there are times like these
i feel so lost
no beacon
no hope
where am i supposed to go?

you look like new fallen rain
you taste like honey
but your soul is bitter
and your heart is stone

i haven't seen you in 7 months yet you're always on my mind
you became the worst of my inner demons

maybe i was blinded by love
too busy burying myself in you
to noice that you maybe loved my body a little too much
and loved me a little bit less.

i'm an enigma,
more complex than cryptograms

the blade making love to the skin during night,
a smile shining as bright as the sun during the day

moods changing faster than the weather

most people come out during a hurricane
thinking that it's stopped
but in reality it's just the eye of it

the storm will hit again
don't believe what you see
my storm isn't over either

this isn't fair
my soul
screams louder than the blizzard raging on outside

life isn't fair
i'm tired of this whole living thing
it's not a type of tired that sleep can fix

i don't want to feel ever again.

when i was little my sister showed me a movie,
a man's daughter got murdered, and yet, he forgave the murderer.

you were my first real encounter with death.
you were the one who killed me, long before i'll stop breathing.

this old house
creaks and groans
long past an unspecified expiration date

straining under pressures
it shouldn't have to bear
this old house should've collapsed a long time ago

at the end of the day
this is all finite

at the end of the day
i'll be gone and so will you

at the start of today
you'll leave and i'll be sad

but once the sun sets
your name will finally slip my mind
and i'll never cry for you again.

you're not hard to let go of
but the memory of who i thought you were
is impossible to get off my mind

for the longest time
i believed love
was nothing but
a hope filled fantasy

i met you
and everything changed.

torn somewhere between
i never wanna see you again
and
i need to see you again

we weren't meant to be like this
you can build up as many walls as you want
to protect your stone cold heart

but that's not the way we were made
our bodies pump warm
red
blood

and underneath those stones
your heart
is still soft
despite the struggle it faces to keep beating

you weren't made to do that

things have to fall apart
so that they can fall into place

i have a fire in my soul
but i let people walk on me and put it out

because if you get too close
fire burns.

at the start
you promised you wouldn't leave

at the start
you said i would be okay

at the start
you said you'd hold the pieces
while i glued together
the fragments of my soul

its ironic because in the end
it's all just false hope and broken promises.

all of my steps forward
are really just steps back

i want to love
but when given love i cannot accept

i desire to be happy
but the sadness is so familiar

when i was young
i imagined a first kiss
as something life changing
a bit of magic

it happened
and nothing changed

Don’t fall in love with a poet.

I’ll rip you up

I’ll break your heart

I’ll hurt you.

Don’t fall in love with a poet.

I’ll kiss your lips

Like I am the sun

Kissing the horizon as it falls each night

Don’t fall in love with a poet.

You’ll leave me

Or I’ll leave you.

Either way, I will indefinitely write about you.

this is now
life is nothing but a memory

the fact that i cannot control or slow time
haunts me

nothing will ever be the same
as it is in this exact moment

it's almost like water
in your hand

you try so hard to hold on to it
but it seeps through the cracks of your fingertips

stop moving so fast
even if its bad, enjoy the now