I haven't wrote anything for so long.
My brain does not allow myself to do so. There are so many things that are bothering me, mostly about myself, who am i in this world, how people see me, what is going to happen to me. Every second i try to make some sense out of everything but i'm left even more confused than i already was.

Reality is scary; simply because you are never sure if you are genuinely aware of reality. That's because what i see myself as, might just be an illusion i created to ease my fear of being myself. I always thought i was a strong person, that i had values and strong opinions, that i am someone who will do big things. I always thought that i am a nice person, that i genuinely care for others, that i'm okay, just a little confused, but am i? Am i any of these things?

I feel like a ghost wandering from place to place. People are unaware of my existence unless i make sure they notice i'm there too. But i stopped blaming society long ago, it's not anyone's fault, i'm not sure if it's mine either,maybe it's my brain's, it plays tricks sometimes. But i am my brain.

Everything feels like it quietly falls apart, slowly but deadly and you can not notice the damage unless you straight up look at it. I don't think i am as okay as i say that i am, but i am okay enough, and i guess that's what's wrong. I can't wish for help because i am okay enough. It's a fine line that keeps me hanging there. We fail to care about ourselves unless it's obvious that we should. I guess i am like that too.

I don't know when i'm right or wrong, when i'm happy or just getting by. I find myself unbearable, weak and tiny, like a trembling deer chased by lions, only i am both the deer and the lion. I don't seem to be able to hide my genuine feelings anymore. I started to catch myself hesitating before answering to "how are you" or i keep repeating the phrase "i'm anxious about this or that". I seem to not be able to fake a smile anymore or other times i'm smiling too much. I trust people who seem to sympathise with me, strangers or not, i ran to open arms like a homeless puppy or i poured my soul on small glasses and forced myself to stop before i break them. It's weird because i sometimes feel in control and other times i'm all over the place or when i talk about myself to curious eyes i say too much as if i truly know what i'm talking about.

I fear so many things, so so many things that keep me from living. I want to do things, be with people, date, say my opinions out loud, i want to live and not force myself to carry the weight of my head everywhere i go. There are times when i put my guard down and i close my eyes and i feel my head falling to the side, too heavy to keep it still. I fear everything but love so much.

The reality of who i really am is suffocating and i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. My god how i wish i could cry in public and whine and scream on top of my lungs "******* all!" just because i can't be any of them. Or to make my mum understand that when i tell her that i am not that good i mean "mum!i!am!not!okay!" but i'm scared to hurt her. How could i choose to make my mother cry when i tell her that i think about death a lot. But i'm not doing it, because i am okay enough.

How i wish i could date the guys that call me "interesting" and want to get to know me, but i'm too scared of speaking to strangers so i act cold to turn them down when in reality i'd love to feel their warmth on my skin. If i wasn't afraid of going to new places, or talking to people, or experiencing life, or not ******* up every line i say because i'm too stressed to actually put my words in a correct order. There is such a huge gap between who i want to be or how i feel like i am and who i actually am or even who i end up looking like.

If there was no fear, how could my life be? Who could i be if i wasn't afraid of being? Really, is there anything in my life other than my loneliness and a universe of polluted thoughts? Am i anything more than flesh and bones? And how? How can i change and find myself? How do people know who they are if i, who knows too much about myself cannot understand a single part of my existence? If i can't understand myself then how can i ever be able to truly understand others, to be happy, or to be alive? How could i truly ever live my life without feeling the weight of myself dragging me down?

I sense the catastrophe running through my veins. Really, how small can a person become? I feel so small in my own room, even smaller in my own life. Am i even as big as a dust in space, as alive as a falling star or is there nothing for me? I wish i could be someone you turn to face, but maybe my sunrays faded away and maybe i'm way too small to take up all that space; but for you to look at me, that would have been the biggest accomplishment i have ever made.

I want to fall in love in an art museum,
and gaze at paintings,
and see myself through them;

                 dancing between the lines

       singing among the colours

He who is feared by many, stood before me
as the faint moon light glimpsed on his scarred face.
His shadow swallowed me whole,
a monstrous creature with an aura of excellence.
He stood there for a minute that felt like decades
and stared down at my useless body.

I felt my bones cracking and my limbs shaking,
his eyes - a void filled with complete chaos,
pierced right through me.

I saw red flowers and dead trees grow out of my head,
dead horses and ****** deer running around in my room,
shadows and screams, tsunamis and hurricanes,
drowned voices and muffled prays.
I saw red skies and blue forests, black seas and green deserts.
I saw myself falling off planets, being thrown off constellations, unwanted in the vast universe, uninvited at the celebrations of the stars.
i saw it all happen in a mere second, a far too long second,
as it all crashed and disappeared on the cold floor.

His shadow, taller than ever, filled every corner of my room.
He raised his head and inhaled all the air that was left in one breath

                                        "YOU CALLED?"

His deep voice made the walls shake and the earth tremble,
and i was left there like an empty shell,
naked and exposed,
as his words filled the room
                and filled my head.

i laugh, i joke, i play around
the busy days are the reason why i'm around
the days of working, fighting, staying up late
those busy days that keep me awake

i smile, i talk, i hold back my frown
the busy hour is what keeps me down
the hour that i don't have to face myself
that busy hour that i can fill my hollow shell

but the time comes when i'm no longer busy
my loneliness is the only thing that stays with me
that time that i turn into a void of nothingness
when it's only me, my sorrow and my emptiness

i am nothing
but a memory
a thought or a forgotten dream

i am nothing                  
but my emptiness
my vicious goals and my silent screams

Blue walls and crystal clear tears
the blue boy picked up his pace in fear
through red and yellow and green
and all the colors he could never be

He sat at the corner on a bench up in the hill
and sobbed and screamed and sighed
wishing he could be
all the things that weren't him

"Oh Cosmos! So big and wild,
why did you make me
the world's most blue and lonely guy?"
he cried to the sky in this dark and empty night

Blue walls and crystal clear tears
his eyes flamed red for the first time in years
he started constructing crazy little schemes
this small blue boy and his big red dreams

catastrophe
                      and misery
a pure soul shrouded in secrecy mystery
more unexplored than vast cosmic voids
half a lover
                     half a paranoid

i ripped my eyes off before anyone sees.

Cupid seems to like me,
to like making fun of me.
He enjoys to throw around his arrows
with not much careful thought or good judgement
but simply for his own amusement.

Cupid seems to like me,
to like playing with me.
He enjoys to chase me around in time and space
with his arrows always carved too deep in my heart
most of times.

Cupid seems to like me,
to like torturing me.
Since his arrows always seem to miss the other living soul
while if i dare to pull out mine
it will make me bleed to death
from loving
too much.

This little man was
too gorgeous to look at
with mesmerizing smile and curious eyes,

Untouched by the venomous horrors of
the crushing suffocating reality of being.

Flowers bloomed after his every step,
he had firing eyes piercing his enchanting face
as if he put a spell on every male and female,
living or dead.

i caught myself dizzy from his evil fragrance,
i started drowning in the sound of his vibrant laugh.

Drunk by that sinful spell of his
i fell into his trap,
just like one more silly fly,
flying and buzzing close to his ears
begging to be noticed by his delicate hands.

But what a fool was i,
for this little man adored playing innocent games
with petal-soft sweet lies.

He freely allowed those firm lips of his
to scatter the words my lonely heart
always wanted to hear

And i,
possessed by the ideals of 'love', the gates of 'heaven',
the sweet lullaby of the homecoming of the long awaited 'happiness',
i fell too deep and i kept on falling
trusting
believing
assuming

Just like a hurricane
passing through time and space,
i can feel every inch of the electricity inside my brain,
melting and carving constellations
of the galaxies that exist in my mind.
The war of stars,
an unending tale of all the times i started looking at myself
straight in the eyes;
It destroyed me thoroughly,
leaving not a single stem of a flower,
or a ray of sunlight,
or a tiny bit of blue sky.
But this dimension is hidden within myself
and i am unable to force my way out.
i can not make all of this a discovery for others,
as it is mine and mine alone.
But i will not be the victim of my own hands;
i am going to rule the ruins of my island,
and even if you ever find me
at the bottom of the deepest part of the sea,
isolated and abandoned,
do not weep for me,
for i am still the ruler of my island,
i am still the guardian of my galaxies
and no hurricane
can bring my empire down
unless
i allow it to.