It's so funny when people say make lemonade!
Because all the lemons I've ever been given,
have been moldy and much to bruised to truly
make some good lemonade to get me through
the day.

And secondly where am I suppose to get the sugar from?
Water is easy I can just use the tears from the times
when the lemons were sprayed in my eyes instead
of given to me.
But sugar? It that a joke?Life has never been that sweet.

For all those who say when "when life gives you
lemons make lemonade"...I'd like you to have
the first drink of my moldy lemon,tear water, no sugar...
Lemonade.

That night we danced until the party was over for some.
It was fun and I wished it always felt like that...and we weren't even together.
It was so loud when I whispered into your  ear  youmissed it..
You thought I wanted to meet you somewhere....
And I wish I had.
Guess we both missed the chance for sparks...

I love you more than I will ever be able to admit.

But I'll never be as popular as you.  I will never completely fit in with your friends. Together, we will always get looks because we are just so different... But when we're alone,  as you know, really not that different. and it's sad I love you because you will never reciprocate those feelings out loud if you feel that way at all.

She crushed his heart....now he knows how it feels.

The hot sun hits your skin and a light breeze kisses you, too. The salty water  tickles your toes and the sand dances between your fingers.  For a moment after you close your heavy eyes you feel alright. That's why I love summer. For a moment everything loves being near you and you are blissfully aware of it all without a care in the world.  Simply happy.

I never planned to kiss you that night.
But your sleepy eyes hold this unexplainable power that in that moment it was the only thing I wanted.
I never meant to play this game.
I put up walls, I became cold and hard, oil promised to never not know where I stand with someone...to always be straight forward....silly me for thinking you understand..you were the same.
I never meant to fall in love with you.
But in this hellish world you found the right time to enter, you put in effort, you stayed when I was my worst...when I was terrible to you...
So yeah I fell in love and I think it's a no...but I still can't tell if you feel the same.

Your ribs are cages
made by your bones to keep your fluttering heart in.
Your eye lids curtains
to  shield your eyes from what they really don't want to see .
Your body is your oasis made to protect you
dont let the world scare you into turning against it or your heart get too...adventurous.

I was so deeply in love with the though of you loving me. I was so deeply in love with loving you from a far and knowing **** well you knew I was head over heels and ready to throw myself at you no matter what.  
And you liked that didn't you? Knowing.
As the tears spill over my cheek I hope you know no one will ever really love that thought more than me and I know that I have a heartbreak as proof.
Ive given up on the thought because even putting it to action would only end up in my own devistaion because you will never be the man I love in my head.
And thinking about that man I have to realize it was never really you I loved at all.

I'm disappointed I'm not rich.
I'm disappointed I don't come from a wealthy family.
I'm disappointed I'm not white and beautiful.
I'm disappointed I have depression.
I'm disappointed in everyone I fell in love with.
I'm disappointed I didn't get into the school I had been working my whole life for.
I'm disappointed with all the failures I've had I'm my life because they are practically my life.
I'm disappointed I had to be strong and disappointed.


And I'm just so sick of being disappointed that I'm sad.

When your smile turns to a frown.
We used to glance at each other with such hope. Hoping someone would act first.  Now I glance at you hoping to meet that glance one more time so I know I should act. Now, I look away quickly just hoping you don't see the crying hidden behind the fake smiles I use to walk down the hall.
When your smile turned to a frown I realized I was just a fill between her and the next.  I realized you never liked me at all.  And I realized I fall too hard too fast.
When your smile "comes" to me again...this time I know to walk the other way.

Your lips phantom kiss me as I daydream of you. They being  petal soft with a gentle pressure that takes my breath away. Those lips who  haven't yet kissed mine though I feel a determination to make that untrue because they have my mind scrambling to taste. I want them to be solely mine

Is it sad that I feel the most beautiful when I'm standing in front of my mirror half naked? When I feel the most ****.
I've never had the room to cry about a bad weight complex.
I've always been beautifully thin and  no angle not pleasing to look at...or so I've been told....

Told by the same male who broke down my walls and worked his hardest to get in...
only to see the beautiful body under this princess' gown.
The male who broke my walls and when left broke my heart leaving this beautiful body
empty.

I look in the mirror in my new lingerie feeling beautiful...feeling fake, because every time I see myself like this reminds me of how I looked just like this. Just as pretty, just as **** in my underclothes as I did then.  And it feels so wrong and so right that I stopped looking.

You wonder why I never seem to love you as much as I do my mother.
You wonder why I only attack and put up my defenses in your presence.
You think your 'jokes' are funny.
You think you should always be in control.

Well ******* and your mentally abusive bulllshit. I see you try and degrade my mom and she is much stronger than i. She tells me why marrying a man like you is wrong yet she can't follow her own advice...she won't just leave

You are the reason I don't trust men. You are the reason I push people away. You are the reason I can't see through these pessimistic glasses. You are the reason when a boy says he loves me I run. You are the reason I don't know how to love.

You have NO control and that's why you play my mom like a doll. You aren't smart enough to see what's in front of you. You are a bigot and part of me hates you.

I've spent most my life calling you dad and now I'm old enough to understand that THIS is NOT  love...I don't even know who you really are.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am no love Messiah. I cannot read your mind if you do not respond to my questions. I know I acted too soon. I just thought you were different. I thought you would understand. But I forget that even though you both have problems doesn't mean they are the same and I'm sorry. I'm sorry but i will not say sorry until you tell me where I stand. For if you love me I will try but if you don't I will walk out of your life as if I was never there because I don't have it in me to worry about someone doesn't want to be with me in the first place. my love will never be perfect I will make mistakes I am human. I am good though. Normally I do play my cards right but this one time I messed up.but I don't know how to move on I don't know where to go from I can't read you. Please just speak to me. it hurts.

There's a prince in every PRINCEss.
So stay strong,beautiful.

his laugh is my favorite movie. I play the scenes over and over again in my head the way he smiles the way he looks at me  the way my hand fit into his. The million words that were said and his laugh that I lost. I lost the original so now I'm left with the movie playing in my head and knowing I will never have the feeling that I did when I got to watch it first hand. when I got to love him for the first time.

I don't know, when it happened , why it happened, or even how it happened,finally that weight you left on my chest just disappeared. I looked at you loving her and though my heart still skipped a beat I no longer wished to be someone you love, someone I am NOT. I've come to accept that I am NOT someone you'll ever love. And that's okay. There's a bit of weight on my heart coming with realizing we both don't love each other but there's also a release of realizing I don't need you.I was so close to the edge waiting for you but realizing you really weren't at the bottom after all has made me come closer to someone who actually be out there for me. I'm not saying this makes me completely happy having hope for something near was great but now I have hope in general because I know it might not be you and I don't have to waste time hoping for only you it can be anyone and I'm willing for anyone. And I will never come back to you  i promise, from this day forth, because you played me and if you love her so much you can have her just keep me out of the equation.
I know you found my poetry so I hope you find this one too.I hope you read everything. Every beat every tear every cut in between them because that's all you have left for me. No more.

I've  finally moved on!

Don't tell me to smile when it's obvious I'm livid. Grit teeth and anger seeping from my pores.  I won't ******* do it for you anymore.

Ist's hard to fall out of love with him when you're constantly reminded I've just why you fell in love in the first place. You swore you would never say you fell in love again but you did and truthfully maybe you never really fell deeply in  love after him. Maybe you never fell out of love with him either. And honestly you're in love with an image of him...so whenever you see his image on social media the butterflies in your stomach fluster. The beating  of your heart races as every angry you thought you have a towards him disappear, every single one. Because maybe he was your first puppy love maybe he he was your first love maybe he is your true love and maybe isn't/wasn't and even though it kills you to be away and not know something inside you will forever be reminded of your love for him even if he'll never be yours.

I've always cared too much.
So now as I sit thinking of
All the things I've said that
Have messed up this relationship
I can't help cry and turn my
Attention to you. Hair, eyes,
Smile, lips that I have yet kissed.
Everything.
I'm reminded just how much
I care for you...and if you cared
Anywhere near how much I
Feel about you, you'd never let
me sit and feel this way....

Reality has a ugly face,
Long nose to poke her way into my business,
large eyes to find my every flaw.
Her lips always so small and so pursed but when she opens
it seems to become wider and she gets loud with her evil voice.
Reality is an ugly thing, with fingers long; to point,
and nails as sharp as knives to drive into my back.
She wears a robe of pure disgust.


Though reality be a ugly woman
and she hurts me with all her ways,
Reality can not effect me in my dreams.
In my dreams reality is so far away.
Her words can't touch my castle.
Nor can her weapons penetrate my heart here...

The sanctuary of my dreams can only last me for the night.

Reality is  an ugly thing.

Nothing has changed.
I still feel drained.
I am still the heartbroken girl I was months ago.
You really would think I would know.
But I fall time and time again.
Thinking that maybe this time they'll actually want to be my friend.
But it's always a lie.
Or the love always will die.

Because who could love a girl like me. and everyone loves a boy like him. and there always be a him that I will fall in love with things will never be alright the broken hearted girl.

Get out. I never asked you to come here. Just leave and take your luggage and take your words out my ****** heart. You run through my mind without knowing it and I can't seem to get you to leave when I bring it to your attention.


When did I fall for you? Must have been before the kiss because once we kissed  I wanted more of all of you. Get out and let me breathe.

Hello fears.

Darkness, alone, self worth,
Take a seat.
It's been awhile.
All pulling me back to you with your wicked ways.

Darkness.
What a feeling of utter nothing. Keeping not only the light of day out, but the people who surround away.
Alone.
Now alone with no one you come. Not to play but to remind me I'm alone.
Self worth...
Hi there. Quiet a bipolar one you are. Stuck with Alone you make me weak...but when you see light you are my friend..why must you play with me  like so?

Good bye, fears.
Take my tears and leave. I don't need you anyway

It's true the heaviest heart writes the prettiest poetry.

I love your taste in music. It's  strange and something I would never find myself listening to by myself but with you it seems like second nature. It feels like something I've been meaning to do my whole life. I love when you hold my hand. How you  twittle our fingers. Our thumbs rubbing against each other a reminder that maybe you actually cared. I love the way you looked at me. It made me forget all the other looks I've been given by anyone. Its not the same with you. Your looks have me dying inside because you won't look my way now. The glimmer of something in your eyes as you check over your shoulder as you drive to see if I'm still paying attention. I was never one to fall asleep in the car but with you I just might. I just might because I would love to give you the opportunity to look over and see my sleeping face but now you won't look my way. I love the way that I still love you and I never said I love you and I never felt like I "loved"  you this is how I know I loved you. Because it never felt like falling. because it felt like  drifting asleep as you looked at me and in the car with your music blaring and our hands intertwined I never didn't trust you. Not until you didn't call. Afraid of my own insecurities and that I would never get to feel that feeling of drifting again I push you away and now I can't see past the walls that I put up. I can't tell if you're still standing there waiting for me or left. I love your smile and your blue eyes and the smell of the sweatshirt you here nearly every day. I like you more then I thought and I know I let you in quicker than I have let anyone else in but that's because I'm so tired..and drifting was just so easy.

You've  never felt more self pity
and embarrassment in school until
You've walked down the halls
Eyes brimmed with tears you
fight to hold in all day and the
Inability to tell anyone what's
going on because you know what
Has made you feel this way but
It all is just too much and putting
It in word would force the breath
Out of your lungs and the water out
of your eyes.

Breathe in deep.
Take in all that pains you.
Let it touch your life
Breathe out fully.
Remember it'll be better in the end.

I've finally broken. I've done that bad thing you don't speak of. Four ever so small tally marks under my thumb. I promise it's not serious I just wished for some control over my body...No one's noticed, there was only one before, and it makes me wonder how many more before the secrets out. ;

Dear Alcohol,
Don't take me too fast.
I mean I've always known it would be you so...

Dear Alcohol,
We don't talk much I know. But those social occasions, man, you must have gotten me hooked somewhere  between those laughs and puking sessions.

Dear Alcohol,
My parents smoked but I swore never to smoke cause that kills your lungs and you **** yourself kinda slowly..but you...I don't know about you. Maybe because its the liver...and that seems so far away. My lungs are RIGHT next to the heart...I mean,  that's much to fast for the pain I want to wash away at my own pace.  Wash away drink by boring drink.

Dear Alcohol,
You win.

Dear Alcohol,
Make me dance, and smile, and sing your dumb songs. Puppeteer, who i willingly dance, smile, sing let me play pretend. Move my body until your course is through and my body is too used. Until I am no longer a puppet for this game of life but instead a puppet for myself to pity. Dear Alcohol the tears are fake, I promise. The happiness I feel now makes me numb. Dear Alcohol send me drink from those pits of hell from where you play me from. For I am coming. I always knew it would be you.

I've always hated heights.
I'm afraid of falling.
I'm scared to allow you in.
I put my walls up for a reason.
I've been hurt before.
I'm terrified of love.

And I cant be alone.

Her tears flowed down her cheeks and though she was crying over someone else he wish to be the tears that flowed down her cheek and over her rosy cracked lips. She was in no way perfect. Flaws where speckled on her body for everyone to see yet it was never her flaws  that kept him away. It was the same reason he knew she was sitting in the bathroom letting her pain ruin the makeup she placed on her eyes that hid the pain from the rest of the world. That crushing feeling she would never love him back or they would ruin what they "had". He also knew she was waiting for him to rescue her but the hero was afraid...he was human not demigod after all. As she climbs to the mirror to  catch a glimps of who she actually was he looks in wishing he'd gone to her.
Tomorrow she will wear that smile that he looks past. She was always transpartent to him thought everyone thought she was so happy. He could see the pain and instead of stopping it he continued to pray to be the tears that fell over her rosy cracked lips or the hair that got caught there when the pain grew too much.

The pain of what seems right and what you really want is always there....
Insanity and passion or sanity and security is the only choice in this world.

I will always choose the passion...
I will always fall for the phantom.
I will always fall for the insanity in the angel of music's keep.

And if that makes me wrong, drop the chandelier.

The day my home turned to a battlefield was the day my mom said I so to a man who tough she loved him is  worth less than dirt in her presence and less than that when she's gone. No lie I picked a side long before the war begun but it is still scary being the only one unarmed.

I didn't mean to lose you. But the only thing I'm good at is pushing people who love me away.

You called her perfect.
You know it only hurts because I rember when you called  me that, too.
May we all join the ex-club once those lies are uttered.

Is it just a natural instinct to want to run in front of a moving car?

The birds do it all the time.
They spread their wings and  embrace the fall.
They glide gracefully and spin in midair as if it's fun.
The birds, with their colors that may have been once vibrant but now are dull ,could fly so high but they decide to fly so low.

So when I look upon the cars driving by fast is it depression or am I just a  bird? I long to open my wings and feel that rush as I float in front of that car.   My feathered wing brushing the front of that car seconds from death...

Then to pick myself up and fly high once again.

I freaking hate you, but I love seeing you. Every time I  see you out the corner of my eye I don't know whether to cry, scream or go talk to you. I never will do the latter though  I am depressed. I'm not sorry.  I think about death more than I think about eating, but I never think about eating soo...I think about you more than I think about dying. I need help. I am drowning...I have a habit of ignoring. I have a beautiful smile. You smile like the sun but I know your hurting  too. I can see it cause I see that faded highlight in your eye.. it matches mine but I don't think you'd ever notice that. No. Don't.  I can't love you. I am physically unable to love you. My heart is broken and my spirit small. I need you so bad right now. Have a great day.  I love you.  Please save me before its too late...

There's a point of incredibly deep sadness when it all stops.
The world, the feelings, the crying at 3 o'clock in the morning it disappears.

I felt it last night and feared I had done something to try to make life stop but I hadn't so like many sad nights I escaped to dreams and wondered if I'd wake in the morning...

Not even the heart aches or longs for anything...like the brain finally one and now it sit quietly  in you chest. You hope it would cry like the -zillion times before to remind you it was there. But you get nothing just silence.

There is that point of deep silence where everything you wish would just go away....finally does....and it's not what you wanted.

I've reached that point and I want to go back...even when it hurt because now...I don't know what I even am.

She wished to wear your 73 football jersey.
She wished  to see you smile with dimples so deep she felt her heart ached in their presence.
She wished to taste your tongue as it perused her teeth.
She wished to feel the warmth of your hand in hers as you walked down the aisles.
She wished you'd still choose her even though she knew you had began to look for someone new...
She wished to wear your jersey....
and she wished for you.
Yet, not one of her dreams ever came true.

As the breeze kisses my skin I see him dancing there.  He dances like a fool but I'm captivated by his spirit.  I always have been.
My hair in curls and  beautifully  braided, sparkling gems in the light studding the  waterfall  of locks that  starts at my head and falls down my shoulder. I cut and dyed my hair hoping he would notice plus...it helps me looks so...beautiful...I needed the change...i needed the confidence.
  My red dress is large and sparkles around me. I look beautiful...but that doesn't matter to me because when I see him dance on the dark floor all I can hope is he'll do the dance with me one more time.
But I've scared him away....I wanted to commit not to play....he only knows play.  So as I stand watching him dance alone.
I force myself onto the floor and spin in my big red dress with studs of diamond in my hair.
I spin faster and faster wishing I could be a tornado and destroy it all, just end it all. There's nothing to love when its all dead, right?  But I only spin fast enough to look like a spinning princess on the floor. But I  dont wish to be a princess if I have to wait for the prince it's my night though it wont end how I planned, this princess  tried to bring her prince back by beauty...because it was her last resort. her mind such a wonderful but scary and touchy place  how could she possibly think the boy who spins on the floor without a care be the prince she needs to overcome it all.

The truth is one of those late night chats made me fall deeply in love with you. The truth is I love your smile, I love the games and the teasing.
I was only ever upset with the guilt that came with being so deep and you NOT being mine.
I love the dimples in your cheeks and the way the light hits your eye. I loved when you played tough and when you think your a tough guy because I can see through all that  and I've watched it melt. I love the sarcasm and how you can handle my jokes.
I've only ever been defensive and pushed you away because I'm terrified to be hurt again. You know what I've gone through can you really blame me?
I love you and I'm hopelessly jealous of not having you...I'm not sorry I'm just in love. And I don't think you really know and it kills me everyday

I taste your tongue against my cheek.
I feel your hands on me; one tucked ever so gently under my ear the other wrapped around my waist.
I see nothing but black as I focus on you.
I hear my gentle moan, our rocking feet.
I touch the small in your neck the base of your hair between my fingertips.

And as I come to my senses I realize none of it was real in the first place. Was it?

He used to sing to me
With a slow, meaningful , lull  of a voice that was calming yet painful to listen to him, because there was so much more than just the words.
I miss his singing.
It used to remind me I was alive. Reminded me I hurt...and that's okay.
But my music is gone.
I no longer can listen to a cover of a song I had never heard before but felt I had heard it a thousand times...or even when he sang with no real words...my heart would melt. I saw human in such a pure form...
He used to sing for me and take the pain away.