You love  the gentle force that slowly begins to get stronger with our every interaction. You love the way my hair stays wild like fresh from *** wild. And you love the way my eyes have that passion. You love the regret and darkness that hides there too...I know. But you've fallen in love with a tornado and I will tear you apart the closer you come. And the longer we interact the more you realize your resentment for me. You loved the beauty of this storm from a far now you might get hurt. You will not escape my love without a few broken peices.
But it will be the most beautiful hell you've ever ran with...I promise

He said he found my poetry...
God, oh, silly me.
He said he found my poetry.
A blushing red I be.
It's true I never said his name.
But by writing about him I played his game.
He read all of my poetry.
And didn't feel the same

It's guys like you who remind me to taste the world. Guys like you who hold the fork so dangerously close to my lips. Boys who remind me to love blindly with eyes open wide as to not miss a second. Men who remind me not all will be there to catch me when I fall. Those who leave when complexity shows its perplexing face. This is for the guys no matter how hard you or I or anyone tries won't be able to keep us together.  Or even the boy who knew that from the beginning.  No lie, I hate you. Leaving me hanging for more, fantasizing for weeks, crying, falling, stumbling so close to the edge, crying. But I must admit without you those in-between's would be trill-less. Thank you for making hell a whole lot more interesting.

It's true pain is beauty.
You see it in the shadows of her bright  eyes and in  the broken fullness of her laugh.  You see it in the fake-Ness of her smile.  Every inch of her struggles you feel though she tries so hard to keep you sheltered from it...and you fall in love with the beautiful chaos.

I'm hurt. I'm afraid. I'm in love. I'm alone.

I read the same sad love poems I have before. The same wymsical heartbreak only other poems seem to understand. The same heart clenching ones that made fat warm tears spring into my eyes before...and don't cry. At this point don't do much more than look at them with...annoyance. I still think of you...but feel this emptiness. Sure an achy heart because hey! I thought I loved you! I think I loved you.
Am I over you? Or just broken?

You are the first guy in a while I haven't been mad at, soely sexually attracted to, and or just uncomfortable around.
Maybe...no.. I know my brain is twisting  the kind acts you show me for attraction but I like you.
I really like you.
The cheesy hugs to the catch of the eye or the pulling me just far enough away from my group of friend to have a though brief, nice conversation about my day.I  notice.
And now I notice the tired in your voice the and sad in you walk but also the victory and laugher in that smile and strut of yours.
It started as a joke and soon I felt comfortable in your arms though once you left I wanted them around me again. Maybe as more or maybe just you have you make me smile just a little while longer.
Yeah. I like this feeling...I want more sure but I'm comfortable and I'm not quite ready to change that.

How I feel for you.

My love for you was broken like the shattered mirror I drew on paper with my reflection was etched in its pieces. My love for you is hiding in the corner because my brain knows better than to let my heart back in my chest. My heart is the broken mirror as I draw on paper. My reflection girl who only wants to love when she can't even love herself.

How I feel for you.

My love for you it's like a beautiful meadow of roses yet I only get pricked by your thorns as I run through naively thinking the beauty of my love for you was two sided.

My love with....for you was only reciprocated when it fit you best because I loved you all the time. Every time we talked I let my heart creep back into my chest and let my brain take a break. Silly me? But you love me when you were alone when youneeded someone to be there for you and I have always been that person to be there for you. And I will always be the person who is here for you because I know my love is broken mirrors on paper and though my love is a meadow full of thorns, I know my love for you will always grow like the pretty buds at the top of the stem as it digs deeper into my skin, I know that in love with you I will always get to see a new reflection of me good or bad. Broken but whole.
My love for you warms and breaks my heart and I would go through it a thousand times just see your smile just to be there for you when you needed me just save you from being LONELY.BECAUSE I love you And for  me right now the hope you may be loving me back is enough to get me through the hellish day is all I need.

One day someone will love me the same. Someone will have a love for me so strong so influenced by infactuation and the time spent together but for I will notice because iknow that struggle and for you I'll be gone....

It's becoming obvious that the thing I had thought I had tucked away was only playing a bigger game. It was when I thought to jump off the local bridge when I realized it was back and that shook every broken peice of me. I wanted to love "him" so bad but now the monster has made his name a bitter taste in my mouth. My depression makes me replay every mistake  I made with him a thousands time before it reminds me how pathetic of a person I am. There has never been an escape for me. I'm so sick of feeling alone and worthless. Alone and worthless...I was free.

I woke up early this morning and heard the birds calling for eachother.
I guess I decided to try calling for you,too.

When you're as sad  as I you dont break down you melt.
You sit thinking about it...
Then you  search sad quotes or write poems or search about the zodiac compatibility or whatever helps you through the moment.
But then your eyes swell with water and you try to continue through blurred vision and soon you can feel those hot salty tears falling slowly down your face. You feel relaxed then but it really isn't enough to fix that gap. Nothing truly is.  And the worse thing is you are so vulnerable then...Anyone, him, her, could walk in and you would fall in love with them a thousand times over...and then you cry and continue to melt to the thought and soon your heart melts so much there is nothing left.

This was not the life I chose.
I swore I was on another path
One where no one could stop me.
Maybe I was just too young and too naive.
Everything I thought I was escaping was waiting for me at the other end.
No, I never chose this but it sure did choose me.

Should you support someone who broke you?

You can try and be bigger than what they left of you. To treat them like they aren't the monster you remember. Like they were the only ones hurting and that make it ok. That now they are going to change. Now it'll be different for them. Now they can be happy and you should be happy for them.

Here's the problem. I hate you. But I would give it all to wrap my legs around you and hold you close and kiss your lips. To run my fingers through your short hair. To smile as you do. How it kills me that it's not socially acceptable to slap your face as hard as I possibly can out of the blue, when no one knows what goes on between me and you. The more you use me the more I want you. Here's the problem. I think. I love you.

" I just want to be loved"
She sobbed as hot tears reminded her she was alive

Alice fell in love and bumped her head.
Then Alice saw the world in pinks and reds when they where actually black and white no love in the air.
Alice made friends who thought Alice could save them from the black and white and give them some pink but they only brought Alice down.
Alice began to chase the love but he had no time for her.
Alice began to see the world for what it was.
Alice began to see the world in black and blue.
Alice fell out of love but still was stuck in the rabbit hole.
Alice couldn't take it anymore because Alice realized there was no perfect world and even if she went back life you be terrible.
So Alice ate the mushrooms and drank the bad poison .
Now Alice sees in white.

She silently called for a boy who would never be there.
A boy she mistook for a man because "he is different..."

Silly girl, he's not your prince... and maybe no one is.

Sing me a song in soft words
of just you and me together.
Whisper those sweet nothings
to lull me to sleep and soften
my nightmares because
tonight that is exactly the
kind of lullaby I need.
Hold me close to your
heart  and let me listen
to the slow and steady
beat of your rhythm.  
Breath out the sound
of the ocean to crash
with my swirling mind.
Send me to sleep with
the rustle in the sheets
as you move to lay by
my side, for the morning
the night will be over and
all your songs will be sung
yet I will  have heard your
lullaby. Soft, sweet and slow
and if I could choose I'd lie
listening to it forever.

God, I crave that touch...
It doesn't matter where, no.
Just that touch.
And I only crave it from you.
That splendid moment of anticipation
only being met with a touch:
a touch that means next to nothing
other than the fact it is the first touch.
The touch that makes you beg for more.

I mean why would you want to date me? I'm loud. I like to start a fight just so after we can make up I know not every time will make up but I do know that every time we will make out. Funny. I'm depressed I'm in love. I'm not in a relationship to have puppy love I'm in a relationship to be in a relationship. No if ands or buts.I'm a handful but I'm not high maintenance. I'm a shipwreck at sea. I'm hell and high water. I'm a tornado on the house you grew up with. Someone who wants to tear down your walls to see the beauty in you so then I can tell you about it. Someone who will point out your flaws, constantly. But only because I hope to work on them with you hope to help make you grow, in my own..blunt..ways. If we hang out too long I might...probably...get sick of you. And if we're too far away for too long I get jealous, confused... afraid. I'm strong. I am independent. I am someone who does not need you and I am someone who will not always want you. So I guess that's the beauty of me. I am no perfect human Nor will I ever be the perfect mate. I am crazy and weird and fun. I am stressful and passionate and want relationship neither one of us will ever forget. Because in a relationship that's just who I am.

To the boy who makes loving easy again.
Don't stop.
I watch you feeling as if in a movie  and I'm not sure if my eyes sparkle as I watch you but I promise I feel like they do.
You make loving you so easy,I swear there is a catch.
Loving you is easy because my heart doesn't flutter and fill my mouth with butterfly words I didn't mean to say but mostly I fall deepest in love when there is nothing to say at all...when I get to watch you on the drive home with eyes that may or may not sparkle. I don't know.
When you look back just to check on my knowing I'm probably looking at you anyways and look just a second too long so you drift so close to the curb I'm forced to squeeze you hand just a pinch tighter.
My constant anxiety falls silent.
My concept of time ticks away.
I'm not sure why but it's a peace that I've never really felt before so if I'm clingy or want to be around you too much or even try to avoid you it's because I'm afraid to become addicted.
Loving you is easy, yes and now I know that movie love can be true.

If you say I'm your girlfriend..
You can pick me up after work or I'll drive to yours and lock you lips with mine and tell you I'm sorry because to make it work I'll swallow my pride. I'll entwine my fingers with yours and remind you I am a tornado and the closer you get the more you'll get hurt but I will love you.
If you say we are just...friends...
I will wait until you get over this and always be there  because I will love you from the shadows. I will be by your side because I know not every one you love will love you back the same.
If you say we are nothing...
That you never want to see my face again...
I will leave and cry myself to sleep for endless nights but I promise I will never bother you again. We will be the ones who let eachother walk away but I will go.

Just please for the sake of my sanity....
Let me know

once again I turn to poetry because it makes a broken heart feel better. It's funny how venting feels so good when you twist and turn your words to make a cozy blanket that can help you fall asleep at night. I turn to poetry because not only am I alone, not only am I in love, but I'm also happy. I'm depressed. But I'm confident, charismatic. I turn poetry because of the war between my emotions and personality since each one wishes to go in separate ways I turn to poetry because poetry comes to me.

She spoke to me in poetry
I was just too young and illiterate to understand

Why the hell did I fall for you?
When I was minding my own **** buisness
You walked on the edge of my mind until you found your way in.

Please. Be gentle with me...those walls. They were supposed to protect me.

I made him a list of songs to listen to.

They tell my feelings, my heart break, my love...

And to tell him it all, all he has to do it listen....

and I never have to say a word.

Hey so take this with a grain of salt because I still can't pull myself from my anxiety to tell you this in person but I **** ed up and don't have time. Ive alwasy been wreck and honestly liking you was unexpected especially because I was talking to a  kid who I thought I liked.  You threw me off guard and it scared me so I threw up my defences. I'm not sorry for my anxiety attack or getting mad. I am sorry for expecting you to just get over it.I'm sorry for thinking you'd understand me without giving you the chance to see me jealous or protective or whatever. And I'm sorry for this ****** "sorry/explanation/confession" cause this isn't like me but I want to get this out of my head so I can enjoy my vacation next week not carrying this lump in my chest. This comes up because I was talking to the guy again and as we talked I was reminded I really still don't know where I stand with you and wanted to push myself to move on if you hated me.  Which you have the right to do so. Ok, enjoy your week!

I am cold. I watch them pass me by and never care to look...nearly as if they are too afraid. I scream and cry but no one cares. There used to be scares yet now there are none...just empty nothingness. I must be finally dead.

I got a piece of candy from a girl about half my age. She called it her happy-pick-me-up. It was not as catchy as i think she thought it was. Yet she felt i needed it more than her...i was smiling on the bus when she gave me this but still she knew that plastered smile. As if i knew her i gave her a hug and felt the warmth of a learning soul.  I opened the candy with a smile and let the little piece of butterscotch melt over my tongue.  i knew it was just some cheap dollar store candy but it felt like a little happy-pick-me-up. She got off the bus at the next stop and she didnt wave goodbye or ask my name she left as if nothing had happened...
But something had happened a simple candy had seeped into a dark heart making me wish to take that girl home with me and speak to her for hours. made me wish to smile and cry in front of all three people left of the bus...as the butterscotch melted i craved more. more happy-pick-me-up's.

I constantly feel blue. That light baby blue that comes across the clean sky right after the rain. Its not as pretty of a feeling.  When yellow feelings roll along they mix and make confused. The yellow comes in mustard shades and mix to a rather ***** green. Slowly my confusion grows to anger and all I see is black, as the green got darker and darker until i'm looking into a pit of my emotions. That's when I see red. Not that angry fire red, no, that rosy  red. That red where my blood rushes with water. That perfect color of relief and love... if I could stay red forever,I would...but...
I constantly feel blue.

I want you to know I really did love you.
That love that gives you butterflys and
makes rainbows sing. That love in movies
that  translates to true happiness in real life.
We had to go separate ways and I thought
we could still get the gears to turn.
I was wrong.

I'm giving up on us.

Its been a year and I felt my heart be so
far away for so long I feel cold.  And I'm
so sorry to say there is another who  is HERE
with his arms ready for my embrace when
I need it most...when I am ready, and god I
am ready for the touch of a human being again!
For the lust and passion even if it isn't as real
as it was between us.


I'm giving up on us.

I'm giving up on us  because I am afraid of
loneliness and i have opened my eyes
to see I have been lonely all along.

I really did love you. When you where
here to fight battles,  to calm the storm,to
feel. But now your gone and my love for you
has followed.

There is some relief as you move on and see he moves on too. It let's you breathe though when you look his way it does hurt a little bit....but then you see him fall as hard as you did...that's when the rest of the relief  sits in... cause you know she won't be there to catch him and he'll  land on his face and have to pick up every piece just like you did....there is something so relieving to know it's not only you... and paybacks a ***** ain't it?

There is that feeling.

That feeling that puts me in front of the screen to write though I will delete every poem I put down. Reader know they all are about him but you knew that already. You've felt that. That feeling.

It feels like an empty pit that spans from the breath in you chest to the bottom of your stomach and it aches so badly.  You want nothing more than to just fish the feeling out pull it from you body and breathe freely again without that pressure on your lungs.

That feeling that makes you feel like your flying and falling all at the same time. Wind in your feathers  as they are torn from your  skin. That feeling.

I constantly feel like I'm living in the slow lane while I'm suppose to be racing through life.

And what happens when you're not strong enough to save yourself. When you've gone to far, worked to hard and there is no more...










....what then

I don't get war. Truly.  The bloodbath from guns fired. I don't understand.  I wish we could fight knifes and fists...there would be so much less death I swear. I don't understand why so many have to die for politics. For money and land. We are all the same. We are all humans and  we live this earth as one whether some want to accept this or not. Why must we die?  Nameless soldiers spewn on a battlefield and their lives...meant NOTHING. But a lost battle. Every war. Every Battle. A LOST  fight for all sides.
Petty.
My stomach is calm when I speak of this its my heart that twists and turns like what I wish my stomach did because then it wouldn't hurt as bad.
Petty.

My heart used to long for you.
Yet this morning as i woke up I felt nothing and my heart whispered,
" You know...lets just give up on him..."
Now that hurt. My heart was so sad and it had definitely been crying all night.
It crawled back into my chest as I lay there, staring at the ceiling, and locked the door.
I could hear the weeping behind that door. It was my own and tears had begun to flow with the words my heart could never say.
There was a moment where everything went dead. My heart stopped my muscles no longer tense...my blood no longer rushing around my unworthy body.
My brain broken from its shell and   carefully walked to my chest. it sat at the door to my heart and knocked. I knew it wanted to say it was right and we'd find another but it felt so guilty.
So it sat and I laid looking at the ceiling feeling that nothingness and pain.
The heart began throwing things against the door not at the brain but just at life and my brain walked away.
Back in my head my brain stayed silent...more silent than its ever been and here I am now. calling for my heart to come out again....
after him...I doubt it ever will.

I'd come so far to recovery
And somehow I find myself back at the start.

Its only  9:30...
and im getting that feeling i usually get at about 1:30.
That emptiness that i have begun to believe is heartbreak.
Its only 9:30...
and i want to die like its my last breath.

Its only 9:30 and all i can think of are the thoughts of you and how every minute without you is killing me.

Today.
I could not rise .
Depression kept me there.
It all began with you, you know?
Tomorrow....