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Sep 2021 · 67
Jaicob Sep 2021
Writing something down so I feel useful..

I'll get to my homework eventually
Sep 2021 · 52
Does Anybody Know?
Jaicob Sep 2021
why is every call empty
why is life meaningless
why are conversations lies
why are compliments shallow
why are you so optimistic
why is hope unfindable
why are there so many questions
and why are there no answers

why is there nothing but emptiness
why is there no rest other than death
why are my messages always
why is my voice never heard
why does everyone move on without me
why does silence seem so loud
why is loneliness comforting
and why is being alone so painful

why do you seem to love me
but only when no one else is around
Sep 2021 · 567
Leave Me Alone
Sep 2021 · 230
Full Stop
Sep 2021 · 146
Jaicob Sep 2021
I don't know why,
But I'm sad
Sep 2021 · 163
Jaicob Sep 2021
The perfect response..

Somebody could be a natural at many things
Like singing or dancing or drawing things
Other people are great at writing things
And I'm good at poetry

I naturally write in verse,
Poetic as I think,
I've even been caught mumbling
Words without any ink.

I'm a natural poet
(and most don't even know it)
Sep 2021 · 91
On "Staying Safe"
Jaicob Sep 2021
It doesn't help at all.
I wish it did, but I'm
Just to stupid 2 listen.

Besides if you don't care
whether I'm safe, why
Should I listen when you say so?

If safe to you means alive, then
I could beat myself black and blue
and still be 'safe'

I could tear my ******* skin off
I could roll in flames
And dance through thorns

And still
Typed in retaliation to a message from my boyfriend
Sep 2021 · 92
Autumn's Snow
Jaicob Sep 2021
In the Autumn months,
Everything withers and dies,
It's the seasons' turning.
Little white snowflakes
Arise from hibernation
After summer's heat
And bring coldness to the world
flying through the air.
Sep 2021 · 491
Jaicob Sep 2021
Sky's dark and dreary
Rainy, dashed with thunderstorms-
Perfect time to play
Sep 2021 · 83
Jaicob Sep 2021
Where the wind will blow
Is beautifully darkened
Past the horizon
Sep 2021 · 413
Jaicob Sep 2021
Life is sunshine,
Bright and yellow,
Peaceful, keeping
My mood mellow

that is..

Until you came
Fueled by anger
And tear my closet
Hanger from hanger.

Clothing scatters
On the carpet.

I'd write that down,
But I can't start yet

To make a move
Toward the pencil

Or the paper-
I am trapped still

In my quaking
Mortal frame

And you keep yelling
All the same.

I know you're angry,
But you've no need
To yell and fuss
And scream at me.

You've no need
To stay this way,
But that doesn't mean I
Still want to play.

Sure, you yell loud
And put up a fight,
But life is sunshine,
Yellow and bright.
Sep 2021 · 88
Jaicob Sep 2021
Sunshine is light and very cheery,
But it's also painful and makes me weary
Sep 2021 · 345
A Crow's Silent Voice
Jaicob Sep 2021
Deep in my heart,
There's a crow who sings
Songs of love
For his darling wife.
Their love lives on
In my fragile heart.
Though he's mute
To others around,
he is headstrong
And keeps me moving.
He's quiet still,
Recalling the
Memories of the past
When his wife
Still walked the earth-
Before you
Killed her with your words.
Jul 2021 · 189
Jaicob Jul 2021
There's this horrible taste in my mouth.
I can't get it out.
Why can't I get this taste out?
What can I do to fix this?
I've tried everything.
It just doesn't work
Jul 2021 · 61
Jaicob Jul 2021
I'm a walking corpse
Who should be dead.
I should die
But can't
Jul 2021 · 268
Heaven or Hell
Jaicob Jul 2021
I'll hide myself in the pits of hell
If that means I can escape
The tint of a toxic faith
In the heavenly realm.
Jul 2021 · 359
Thoughts On Ending
Jaicob Jul 2021
The word is ending.
Every person is too.
I'm not ready yet,
And nor are you.
Jul 2021 · 226
In Your Absence,
Jaicob Jul 2021
You aren't here
You aren't anywhere.
All you ever do in life
Is blow clouds through the air,
Wasting away through strife.
You know your wife hates it.
You know your children do.
You know that all our money goes
To your selfish habits and you
As your addiction grows

I love you though...
I just wish you'd end this phase-
The one that's spending all our cash
And shortening your days until
You're turned into dust and ash.

You're an absent father
(MY absent father..)
Only here when you need to be
Then you're gone for the end of this verse
And most in between
Either spaced out, asleep, or hearsed.
Jul 2021 · 992
Broken By You
Jaicob Jul 2021
I've been taken advantage of.
I've been lied to a thousand times.
My mind is awfully broken now,
Adn my body is riddled with lines.

I can't believe you did this to me
After you said you loved me.
In the end, it was just a trap,
And the ransom was my sanity.

I made myself pretty for you,
Dolled up with bows and paint.
It was never good enough though.
You stole more of me every day.

I tore myself apart because
I couldn't be enough.
Even then you yelled at me
"Get over it.. Life is tough"

You never believed me when I said
A thing you didn't like.
I told you I hated you in my life
Always feeding me molten lies.

Even then, you pushed me away
And tore me limb from limb.
Everything I did to myself
Was caused by you, mum, not him.
Jul 2021 · 1.0k
Blistering Battles
Jaicob Jul 2021
Bruised and bandaged blisters
On hands ravaged by wars
Against one's own life through years
Paired with cascades of burning tears
And left dangling o'er wooden floors.

Though you may run from your fate,
You'll never escape its iron grasp.
Reality will grab you and hold you down,
Pulling you under a diminished frown
Until you end the pain at last.
Jul 2021 · 803
Jaicob Jul 2021
Cross your arms
Hold your breath
After a while,
All will be right.
Close your eyes
Then open again-
Time is renewed.
You'll make it though the night.

Deep inhale,
Sharp exhale.
Keep the rhythm.
They won't know.
Just say hi, and move on past.
This is the day.
Keep carrying though.
You'll keep living because
Today is not your last.

You pass as cis.
You've made it, dear.
You're important.
You matter to me.
I need you here.
You can do this.
Don't bother what they say.
Just let it be.
Jul 2021 · 410
To Be a B(r)other
Jaicob Jul 2021
Being the eldest son is tough.
You always bear the toughest blows
From punishments and such.
Parents blame you for everything
But thirteen years of it?
God.. That's just too much.

Sure, my sibling is cute,
Smart, and headstrong too,
But they're just such a pain sometimes.
If there's anything to remember,
It's that they're a selfish, stuck-up brat
To the point it should be a crime.

My sibling has ruined my life.
If only I just lived alone.
That would honestly be great...
I wouldn't have to deal with them
Or hear another one of their whines
While they look at me with hate.

I'd have my parents all to myself.
I'd have time to finally relax
And have peace like no other...
I'd waste my time all day
And wouldn't have to share my stuff,
But I wouldn't get to be a brother-
THAT is reward enough.
Jul 2021 · 999
Life Is...
Jaicob Jul 2021
Life is a miracle
Life is sweet.
Keep it long.
Keep it neat.

Life is magic,
So I write this report.
Life is special.
Please don't cut it short.
Jul 2021 · 1.0k
Is Love Touchable?
Jaicob Jul 2021
Love is a word
Love is an emotion
Love is a noun
Love is a feeling
Love is an adjective
Love is visible
Love is a verb
Love is a word

Look to the hills-
Ocean waves float by
Veering to the right
Ever so slightly.

Listen! There it is!
Oh, how the waves turn,
Visiting one another
Evacuating below the tide.

Love is a word.
Love isn't something you feel, it's a connection with somebody. An intense yearning to be with them whenever you're apart. You'd do anything to be with this person and are willing to give up everything for their happiness.
Jul 2021 · 666
Keep Going
Jaicob Jul 2021
Open your eyes.
Break the habit.
Cut the old
With a hatchet.
Don't you worry
Don't you stress.
I will help you
Through the rest.

I'm your mentor.
I'm your guide.
I'll light your way
Through life's ride.
It's no problem.
I'm on your team.
Just take my hand
Before you leap.

It'll be hard.
It'll hurt a little,
But looking back
Where you started
Is such a miracle
Jul 2021 · 358
Take a Break
Jaicob Jul 2021
Close your eyes.
Turn off the lights.
Take a deep breath-
Let it settle right.
Shake out your shoulders.
Stretch out your legs.
Fill your chest.
It'll be okay.

Take this chance.
Make it right.
Let this calm
Last you the night.
Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Let hate go
With a hearty shout.
It's not yet tomorrow,
So start with today.
Just take your time.
It'll be okay.
Pardon the incoming spam. I wrote a lot at the mental hospital, so I'm gonna be posting it here.
May 2021 · 110
Jaicob May 2021
What's stopping me
From ending it here?
Is it the thoughts of my friends?
Some sort of mortal fear?

No. It's none of these.
The only thing keeping me alive
Is the possibility
I might, by some chance, survive.
May 2021 · 85
Jaicob May 2021
My lungs are filled with ash.
My blood is watered down.
My brain is floating idly,
And my body won't be found.
May 2021 · 265
Jaicob May 2021
Summon the great wall,
The one made of flesh.

Don't worry if you don't understand:
I'll be your guide.
May 2021 · 68
Jaicob May 2021
A t   t h i s   p o i n t ,   I ' m   l e s s   h u m a n   t h a n   a   s k u l l .
T h e   u n c a n n y   v a l l e y   i s   m y   h o m e
E x c e p t   I   d w e l l   s i x   f e e t   u n d e r   t h e   s u r f a c e .
Jaicob May 2021
A few stray pennies,
A nickel, and a dime-
That's all I'll ever need
To have a good time.

I want no glamourous phone
Or the newest fashion trends.
I only need some crackers-
Just enough to meet ends.

I'm a self-made, messy,
Gay *******.
I don't need any help
But a roadside ditch.

I'm a lonesome self-starter
In search of better days,
But all the good times
Just keep running away.

I just want a few quarters
To start me off right
And a piece of stale bread
To get me through the night.

I want to live in a van,
A ******* tent.
I want a ragged, old RV
I don't even have to rent.

I guess what I'm saying is
You don't have to hold me here,
Trapped against my will
Living in pools of rotten fear.

I can live all on my own
In the middle of the woods.
You can forget about me now
I'll be in the past for good.

I'll leave you alone,
Or I can keep escaping free.
What I'm saying is that
You have no real grasp on me.

I've run away before
I'll run away again.
I will keep on running
'Til I get away in the end.

I don't need you
Or anybody else.
All I need is my mind
My bones, and my ugly self.

I'll leave you for good.
I'm no use to you.
Just set me free already
You will forget about me soon.
May 2021 · 542
Scars made in haste
Jaicob May 2021
Collagen created
By drawing across skin,
A boy playing with blades,
Stretching his flesh thin.

Collagen ladders
Made in his war,
Leading up his side.
He will make no more.

Collagen scars,
Spelling out words
Of hate and disgust,
Fade slowly from his form.

Collagen fades,
But memory doesn't.
He'll look back with a smile
When the future becomes present.
May 2021 · 1.0k
Jaicob May 2021
One more word, and I'll blow up.
One more day, and I'll grow up.
One more drink, and I'll throw up.
One more week, and I'll give up..

But words don't have to be said-,
Growing is an ongoing process,
Drinks don't have to be alcohol,
And help is easily available.

You don't have to give up like me. We can work through this, okay?
May 2021 · 864
Jaicob May 2021

                                        stay alive
                                   stay alive stay a
                                live stay alive stay a
                                 live stay alive stay
                                    alive stay alive
                                        stay alive

                                        stay alive
                                   stay alive stay a
                                live stay alive stay a
                                  live stay alive stay
                                      alive stay alive
                                              stay alive
                                                stay ali
                                                ve sta
                                               y al
            ­                                 |-/
A semicolon is a piece of punctuation used when an author chooses to continue the sentence even though they could end it with a full stop easily. Therefore, the semicolon is used as a symbol of suicide awareness- the choice to keep writing your life's sentence until it comes to a conclusion. I believe in you no matter what difficulties you're facing. Keep writing your story. It will be worth it; I promise.
May 2021 · 1.2k
A Poem About Poetry
Jaicob May 2021
A way of expression,
A method of destruction,
A powerful shield,
A mighty weapon,
A piece of art,
An escapism...

No matter what you call it,
Poetry is beautiful.
Keep at it, young poet-
I believe in you.
Leaving this in the notes because I have nowhere else to put it.
My mother has been slowly blocking every social connection I have from my phone, so the only way I have of sharing my experiences as of now is through this website. I don't know what I'll do if this is taken from me.

Side note- my parents are very transphobic, so that's why I've had everything blocked. Once I came out as trans, my mother took matters into her own hands to try and stop me from being trans (or something..)  I hope that, given the current circumstances, you can be patient with my lack of posting. Thank you for reading; it means a lot to me.
May 2021 · 244
Jaicob May 2021
Youth of today are the leaders of tomorrow.
Treat them with respect because
They'll be the ones in charge of your corpses.
If you treat youth with incredulous rudeness,
We'll decorate your tombstone
With the very same slurs you throw at us.
May 2021 · 216
Sounds Like Greek To Me
Jaicob May 2021
Η ζωή είναι δύσκολη...
Γιατί να μην την τελειώσω;
Αυτό φαίνεται πιο εύκολο
Δεν είναι;

Και πάλι, είμαι στα πρόθυρα του θανάτου
Δεν είναι περίεργο πώς τελειώνει πάντα έτσι;
May 2021 · 61
Jaicob May 2021
Sugar, aspertame, nectar, glucose,
Molasses, syrup, fructose,
All naturally sweet...
But your taste can't be beat.

Your lips are sweeter than honey,
And your words are gentler than silk.
Every granule of sugar you consume
Morphs into your figure's plume.
May 2021 · 66
Jaicob May 2021
I'm just a ghost,
A rotting mortal shell,
A husk without bones,
The one who speaks uselessly
As he waits for his final death.

I may be just a bit more
Suicidal than before, but
If you listen closely
To the story I dare to tell,
It only


                                                              ­                                                   worse.
May 2021 · 66
Jaicob May 2021
Some may say
It's cliche,
A strong "Nay"
Sent their way.
May 2021 · 413
Jaicob May 2021
Twisting, tumbling, turning,
Falling, gasping, yearning,
My love sits withing, burning,
Wanting nothing more than to
Spend eternity with you-
A duo, a perfect pair of two
Yeah... I suppose I've fallen
May 2021 · 228
What could stop me
Jaicob May 2021
Nothing could...
Even if it be something deadly-

biting my tongue,

on my lips,

Venomous snakes
Drooling expectantly,

Fear of defeat
From spiked punch,

Or even from guns
And bombs against my skull,

Chemotherapy, overdose,
Pretty poisons and drowsiness...

Nothing could stop me
From loving you eternally
May 2021 · 320
Lucky Penny
Jaicob May 2021
You're a lucky penny
In a land full of rust,
A shining sea of glitter
Foaming with iridescence

You're a present to my life
A gift that keeps on giving-
Sometimes good,
Sometimes terrible.

"It's the thought that counts..."
Well I can't think a coherent thought
When your name crosses my mind.
April 9, 2021
I found this poem in my notes app...I literally forgot I wrote it
Jaicob May 2021
To feel yourself falling in love
With somebody over the course of months
Is to realise that you're more kind,
Happier, caring, gentle, and sweet-
A better person in general-
Keeping that person in mind.

No matter what you do,
Nobody else will understand
The way you feel every day,
The bubbliness of your actions,
The air of generosity and dreaminess
In every word you say.

To fall in love with someone
Is to notice you're not alone
And that you're loved and cared for.
It is to notice you matter as well
And to better yourself and others
Through kindness you pour.

To fall deeply in love with someone
Is to fall in love with yourself,
To fall in love with life as a whole,
To fall in love with everything.
Before you even know it,
Love has taken its grand toll.
For Aidan, the first person I've ever felt love like this toward

Thank you for helping me out of the immense depression when I'm not doing too well. You truly have no idea how greatly you've helped me.
May 2021 · 39
I Just Realised...
Jaicob May 2021
In every class in school,
There is always the quiet kid
Who says nothing,
But stares menacingly.
You cringe when he reaches in his bag,
And you protect when he's called '***'

My class doesn't have a quiet kid.
As I was looking around,
I realised he is I...

I am he.
May 2021 · 54
This, too, shall pass
Jaicob May 2021
Don't worry
These people
They'll die soon-
It's okay-
We all do.
May 2021 · 328
Hydroxyzine Pamoate
Jaicob May 2021
ten ten ten
of a drug
is not good.
Not enough
to get high
but enough
to die from.
Hundreds of
little pills
fill my mouth
as I drift
Off to sleep.
I could use
these green pills
May 2021 · 350
Cold Diet Coke
Jaicob May 2021
Cold Diet Coke
Administered intravenously
Injected into my veins
And fueling my anxiety.
First, it was only a few
Drops to keep me ready,
But now it's full gallons
And even that's not quenching.

People always ask me,
"Why push milligrams and ounces
Of cold Diet Coke?
It'll make you choke.
After time, you'll croak.
You're such a stupid bloke,
Pushing Diet Coke."

To this I have to say that you
Are quite mistaken, sir.
I only do it because I am
Addicted to the tiny bubbles
In my fizzy bloodstream.
I know it's very dangerous,
But I haven't died quite yet.
I might just try some other kind
To fix my upset stomach.

"Zero calorie soda,
Amazing as it is,
Though it tastes delicious to you,
Isn't healthy food.
It's gonna cause an issue.
You're still depressed and blue.
Your face is green in hue."

Again I must say you lie
To steal my fleeting happiness.
I need the drip, drip, dropping through
My swiftly closing arteries.
I don't have much time left,
And I'm at Death's bright doorstep.
I'm taking my final breaths,
And I'm on my deathbed.

I just want to tell you
You made me do this.
It's your fault.
You're to blame.
Yours is the shame.

You outlive yet another son.
You could've saved this one.
My chances are slim to none.
I approach the glistening sun
As the fungus and rot outrun
The weight of death o'er a ton.
May 2021 · 43
Men's Room
Jaicob May 2021
Locked in the stall
Waiting for you to pass
Time stands still
As you sit on your ***
Not moving an inch
Just talking to your friends
Making my life worse
Until the world ends
I've been in here for fifteen minutes, but you just continue your worthless conversation.. I have all day
May 2021 · 245
Jaicob May 2021
Lemons into lemonade...
That's what they tell me.
It's so hard to make lemonade
When your wrists want to bleed.
The juice stings my flesh
And I just want to end.
The scars remain on my flesh
A reminder of my friend.
Pain is the only one I can tell
Nothing else is real.
Other people will spill and tell
The secret of how I feel.

Lemons into lamentation
That's all I have today-
Nothing but hopeless lamentation-
Until life stops dumping lemons on my tray.
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