something in me knew
something terrible
was avoiding me;
pushing me aside

what's going to happen?

i had to laugh.
there was something sweet about laughing.
****** into a rising blush
i realized
that i was being touched by
a wave of skin-tingling exhilaration.
a wave of
clarification.

the terrible something
has passed.

i am nothing.
don't say i'm not
because i know the truth
the mirror is my proof.

i can't look at myself
straight in the eyes
because it breaks my heart
to see all of the nothing they hide.

i used to be fine
i swear it's true!
but now i'm very much not.
you can tell if you listen to my thoughts.

i
am
nothing.

i use pain
to relieve my pain
and it's all my fault
that i have nothing left to gain.

i am worthless.
i fake my smiles
i fake being okay
i'm faking, all day.

who even wants
someone like me?
there's likely a mistake
when each day i wake.

i don't deserve
to be alright
i deserve to be alone
every single night.

i
am
nothing.

i hurt so i can be okay
but it hurts.
it hurts to hurt more.
it hurts me to the core.

i

deserve

to

be

**nothing

i want you to stop right now.
yeah, you, the person reading this.
look into a mirror or your phone camera.
i don't care what you think you see.
you are beautiful. i mean it. you are the most beautiful person i have ever seen. i'm writing this one just for you. you mean the world to me and you are beautiful.
okay.
keep scrolling.

Turning, turning, turning the handle

Hoping, begging, praying Jack won't escape the box

Turning, turning, turning the handle!

Hoping, begging, praying this fear is only in my thoughts

TURNING, TURNING, CLICKITY-CLACK

WATCH OUT! MOVE AWAY! GET FAR, FAR BACK!

T U R N I N G , T U R N I N G


..............false alarm
Turning, turning, this is tiring my arm
Turning, turning, clickity-clack
Don't worry, this has happened before,
It can't possibly be ja

Memories of you
Collect
Like raindrops on
A downward *****

I know that
Soon enough

I will drown.

All I wanted to do
was **** myself.

so I drowned myself
in you.

i could feel
the unbroken
line
of our eyes.

i thought maybe
i could disappear
in the wave
of feelings

but no,
i am still
living
in the moment

stains on my heart
from profanity

blasphemy or
obscene language
or actions that took place
intangibly

actions that leave me
panicky
this insanity equals
pure calamity

but isn't that
formally called
bedlamity?

it had been too dark
in the middle of the night

i was choking with fright

surely we can
reward
the streetlight

I tried so hard to die
that all of my efforts
made it impossible.

I was a try-hard in the world of suicide
and in my eyes I combined
pain and beauty permanently

Now I know nothing in
this world can **** me
until it is my time.

static crackles in my mind-
white noise or
black hole   ?

estranged from
peace
i seek out
a lease
for my  h a p p i n e s s

before i cease
to exist.

Running away
all life spent, running
waiting for you to beg me to stay

running brings a sweat
shin splints, calf cramps
but it helps me to forget

I don't want to remember
my warm, safe bed
because memories of you haunt me forever

the smacking of feet
the breathing surrounding me
but this air starts to feel like concrete

because no matter how far I run
I simply cannot escape
because I'll love you forever, and then some.

it's weird that stars are such a big part of my life.
the sun is a star, but i feel like we all forget about that.
we like to fantasize that stars are faraway and soft and twinkling.
we make pretty constellations and dream of stories in the sky.
i did it all too, but now i know the truth about stars.
the sun isn't soft and twinkling-
it is unapologetically bright.
that is who i will be one day.

sometimes i wonder
if this life is the one
we weren't meant to live.

if this is the one
where everything went wrong;
the mismatched alternate universe.

sometimes i wonder
if the life made for us
is lost forever

the creaking of pews in a church.
a quiet place,
perfect for the creeping
of those age old memories
into my mind.

creaking, creeping,
never
ending

when i finally thought i was strong
my body stiffened at a touch
shortness of breath
fluttering heartbeat
eyes   w  i  d  e
p a n i c.

and then?
a kiss on the back of my head
and i realized
in those arms, i was safe.

crickets and
frogs alike
chirping to the beat
of a hot summer night

insects swarming the
lanterns and lights
summer sweethearts laughing
feeling their hearts ignite

young lovers and
insects alike
dancing to the beat
of a hot summer night

strings were broken,
in the end


but
no one is dead as
long as
we suffer

There are holes in my hands
from clenching my fists so tight
I'm feeling the non-stop misery
The memories haunt me every night

I've been defaced
I am a vandalized brick wall
Once full of beauty,
now I'm nothing at all

You took me in,
made me feel safe
Now I can't even be alone
without seeing your face

I can feel your hands
wrapping around my heart
These memories of you
are tearing me apart

This process is a long one
It's grueling, painful, and rough
Don't you realize what happened
has made my life impossibly tough?

When I'm in the shower
surrounded by white tile
I can feel your hands, see your face
And my throat burns with bile

I'm not allowed to tell
I can't talk about how I feel
Because it's your secret, too
But silence never helped anyone heal

Terrified, hyperventilating
Hands won't stop shaking
Light-headed, sobbing
My whole world is quaking

There's no way out
Because what happened was real
I have to share our secret
Because silence never helped anyone heal

Traffic jam on the highway
cars stopped
one hundred percent gridlock
heat waves off the asphalt

people rushing to see relatives
holiday weekend; a few hours till they see them
two hundred engines humming
flies buzzing

five hundred people waiting
wondering what they're waiting for
waiting for their wheels to turn
waiting for someone they've never seen before

their lives inconvenienced
by a traffic jam
******* up their holiday plans

when their cars finally move
and they see what made them stop
"oh dear, look at all those cops"
and an overturned tin can of a car

telling their kids to look elsewhere
shielding their eyes from the array
of a wrecked life
of a blue tarp on the highway

Their lives inconvenienced
by a traffic jam
******* up their holiday plans

but who is beneath
the blue tarp on the ground?
nobody even thinks
about what could be found

and what a disgrace
to simply be
an inconvenience
lying in the street

because humans are heartless
whether they are young or old
when their lives are inconvenienced
by a little girl's body gone cold

and for these reasons
i pray to never, ever say,
"i wish we could hurry through this traffic
because it's ******* up my holiday."

What were you thinking
Telling me like that?
You didn't have to scar me;
I knew all the facts.

Don't say you know how I feel
When you were the one
Who ruined it all
And said we were done.

Don't be sorry,
Don't be sad.
Lying was the thing
You always ****** at.

I can take the tears,
I can take the dark,
I can live with the fact
That we are now apart.

You hurt my feelings,
You broke my heart,
But it's easier to live
Now that we're apart.

So pack your bags,
Throw it all in a box
It's time to turn back
All of the clocks.

Turn back to the days
When we were happy,
When we talked for hours
About all things sappy.

Turn back to the times
When we were alone in a huddle
And could stay for hours
In our own little tunnel.

Watercolor was
a panic attack
modern art was
coming out of my mouth
flowing
spreading through the air
in finger-like tendrils
reaching out
to those who have never lived

What if I just
..
Kept
Driving

The memories we hide
Deep in our minds
Buried beneath time

They form us to be
Who everyone else sees
They're what make me, me

We don't remember them
We can't recall them
We can't see them

They are buried so deep
But in our personalities they peak

I’ve heard it said
“you have to learn to love yourself before you can love others”
I did it backwards.
I had to learn to love others
before I could find enough love in my heart
for myself