They tell you that when you know, you know.
I don't know how I know when I know.
I still don't know.

Her soul is captured by the devil,
Her mind as dark as the night,
But her eyes they light up so bright,
Shine like the stars of the night,
They look so nice,
Like an angel in disguise.

She speaks with such terror,
But she looks innocent and pure,
Her smile is heroic,
Compared to every other smile I adored,
Guys fall like flies,
Whenever and wherever she walks by.

She'll have you in her nest,
Trick you like the rest,
You'll never know,
The beautiful sight has blinded your eyes,
And made you lose your mind.

Oh my, noone ever told me it would be this hard...
To be so in touch with your emotions,
Right from wrong,
But still choosing to do wrong.
Is it the selfish gene taking over,
Or is it the fear of the unknown?
Am I too caught up in the safety of this home,
To break through and be on my own?

My worn out eyes
stare through the crowd
no joy to be found

My worn out eyes
cry tears at night
nothing but pain around

My worn out eyes
are tired and dead
how they still stay up  
is a mystery unresolved

My worn out eyes
are just worn out eyes
nothing more
nothing less
just worn out.

People may not know my name
But...
That's completely fine
I'll die for everyone who died in vain,
Anyone who died nameless and unknown,
I'll die for you
To let you know
You're time here meant something
You mean something
You were loved
You are loved

I'll die for you,
Then someone will die for me and you,
For us,
For them,
For us all,
For everyone that
noone knows who are
Die for each other.

I've built walls in front of me for decades,
Protected my mind for centuries,
And all it does is destroy me.

Nobody get's through,
Nobody really knows,
I'm all alone.

I may feel safe, but I don't feel happy.

Do you even try
to understand the battle I'm fighting inside my mind?
Do you even understand
it's not because I want to, but it feels like my only option?

Do you even bother
to try to see it from my point of view?
See that my fear is eating me up inside,
that I'm also trying to starve it,
but the fear doesn't easily starve,
it takes what it craves
and it craves my soul

It's not like I want this,
but sometimes it feels unstoppable
my heart pounds crazy in my chest,
as my hands shake of distress,
it feels as if I go against my fear,
My life gets ruined,
I get ruined,
I'll wind up dead.

It's like the fear never gets satisfied,
it want more and more,
till there's nothing more left,
it never get's full,
just keeps on eating on my insides

I hope for the day I'll find my cure,
**** this fear
and just live my life again...

I can remember how it felt when we last touched,
I can feel the warmth like you are laying beside me,
I can taste the sweet kiss from your lips,
As I move my fingers across my own,
And dream of all the things I used to feel known.

How many beautiful girls does it take to **** a man?
Just one.
Just one heartbreak.
Just one lie.
Just one night.
Just one look.
Just one touch.
Just one hug.
Just one kiss.
Just one love.
Just one heart.
Just one soul.
Just one girl.
Just one.

I'm sitting here,
On a bench,
Contemplating my whole life,
Same place I've always been

I'm still young,
But I feel old,
So my age doesn't matter

Hurtful,
Yet beautiful
Sad,
Yet happy
Lost,
Yet found

But this isn't where I belong,
No matter what,
I live for the city,
For the late nights,
New exciting people,
Singing on a stage,
Dancing on the floor,
Smiling to the fullest,
Living for the moment...

This is the same old,
I want to feel brand new,
See beauty,
And live truly

I'm simply left on the bench...

Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
It lurks in the corner
Longing to take over
Over my soul
Crush it in half
Bring me to pieces

I hold on to the little ounce
Of hope that I have
Because...
Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
I try to decline
But nothing can stop the death
When it has set it's mind

I am the target
Like I've always been
From I was little to now
I've carried this sin
The sin of feeling inadequate
When death's on my door
To take me away
And crush my soul

Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
It's like it wont stop
Till it has reached it's goal
The goal is my bottom
My undoing
My end
It's getting closer and closer
For each and every day

What should I do?
Was I born to live feeling dead?
Die not having lived?
Death has knocked on my door
Many times before
There is soon nothing left to do
But to give in to temptation
And relieve this sin

Or should I not give in?
Can I pursue and win?

Look at his face,
Look in his eyes,
Hear him scream,
Watch him bleed.

Could you really do that...?
Over and over,
Again.

I guess that's why you keep your eyes closed,
mind locked and heart cold.

It's like you don't even know me
But you still say you love me

What do you exactly love?
The idea of me?
The portrait I choose to show you?

I know it's not the real me

I sometimes wonder if I showed you myself,
Open and honest,
Bare naked...

Would you still love me or would that love fall to the ground?

You’re wondering where I am,
Cuz I’m no longer around,
You try to understand,
Why you never saw the signs,
You say you were once there yourself,
But the fear for me is nowhere here,
Do you even care?

I try to smile,
To laugh,
To work,
But the pain inside is trembling me up in deep
I’m nauseous and want to go hide,
Never to be found,
Alone and at peace,
Forever in my sleep

I don’t want to deal with all the dozen things around,
I want to be able to fly,
Far up in the sky,
Where beauty is all I see and fresh air all I breathe
My air somehow have gotten polluted,
It’s so polluted it suffocates me to the core

The pain was always present,
From a young me untill now,
There have been breaks along the way,
But when it hits,
It hits me bad.
All the memories from the past keep knocking on my brain,
It’s like I struggle with glimpses of exruciating pain,
Memories that never fade, but forgotten in my conciousness
And I can’t unlock my unconciousness

Everything is coming back,
Everything and everyone tears me up inside,
Agony,
And most of it bottles up from my insides
The insides I can’t reach
But that forever holds me captive
I am dead while breathing,
And breathing while I’m dead

Nobody understands,
And I know that is a cliché,
But nobody does because I don’t even,
My life was filled with emotional terror,
The trauma stays with me through my tears,
The anxiety trembles my lips as I can’t seem to see clear
It’s foggy all around
And my feet won’t touch the ground

My emotions are numb,
It’s like I can’t feel
The only thing I feel is my pain that’s so real
It’s vivid and raw,
And nothing can compare
Who do I love if I love one at all?
They say you can’t love someone, before you love yourself,
I guess that’s true,
Cuz I never loved myself at all

It feels like I’m about to *****,
And the devil’s on my door,
I’m ready to take off,
Nothing left for me here no more

This feeling
unlike any other feeling
Feels unnatural,
unsafe and catastrophical
can't get out, can't handle being all alone
Clinging on to the only safety I know
Even if it feels entirely wrong

What's wrong with me?
Why am I so scared of the unknown?
This is the time to test boundaries,
Learn for selfgrowth,
And feel forever young
I'm like a child inside,
scared and lonely,
Afraid to take the risk,
To fly high above
and shine
on my oh so destined throne

As I sit naked on the kitchen floor
I want you to paint me,
paint my body blue,
because that's all I am,
without you.

Don't be so ******* yourself, little girl
You're only human
I know life is tough,
and you feel hopeless and alone
But remember I'm right here by your side,
holding your hand and keeping you warm
Please,
darling please,
never give up.

Stop looking around,
comparing yourself to everyone you find,
stop thinking you'd be better off as someone else,
when you are unique, beautiful and smart.
Please,
darling please,
love yourself.

Don't look back and always regret,
look forward with hope,
enjoy the ride,
and learn while you can
Please,
darling please,
don't be hindered by your past.

When your heart is crushed,
you're filled with pain
and tears fall down as you'll never win
Please,
darling please,
don't close the door on loving again.

Your dreams are there to be followed,
I'll always encourage you,
Don't let them just be dreams,
be true to yourself,
if you can dream it you can do it
I'll always have your back,
especially when you don't have your own
Please,
darling pleace,
go after your dreams with all that you have

When you're insecure and scared,
need guidance to find your way,
remember what I've told you,
remember that I'm there,
I'll never let you be alone
Please,
darling please,
remember that your mother is there

I'll love you from your birth till my grave,
and beyond that.
I'll cherish our moments and give you the best that I can.
I wish for you the best and all the happiness,
I look forward to meeting you one beautiful day.
I'll always love you, I've loved you even before you were born.

With love from your future mother <3

Does love even exist?
I wonder...
Betrayal, lies, romance that never lasts,
and when it does...
Is it real or is it just convenience?
I question love's existence.

I want a city that always breathes,
Never sleeps
I want dancing all night long,
To be wild and ***** too

I want singing all day,
I want something new

Make me feel alive
Make me smile
Make me laugh
******* and make me glow

Endless nights,
Endless fun,
Endless kink,
Endless life

My heart longs for excitement,
I'm too young to settle down,
Watch out,
I'm simply untamable now...

You can ask me why,
and I'll start to cry
You can ask me when,
But I still won't tell you then

You can try to give me a hug,
But I'll take a step back
You can try to comfort me,
But I'll only feel discomfort

I'm broken and bruised,
confused,
brutally used,
and permanently uncured.

If you were laying next to me,
could I kiss you sweetly,
touch you gently,
and love you deeply?

I have to go to sleep now,
Before I give in any more to my sins.
I have to rest,
Before I collapse of distress.
I have to dream,
Because reality is a nightmare.
I have to fall asleep,
Before my mind turns into a battlefield.
I have to relax,
Because my body is going red.
I have to go to bed,
Because my soul has already left.
I have to go to sleep now,
Before I give in any more to my sins.

Everywhere I go,
I see mindless people,
Everytime I listen,
I hear mindless voices,
Everytime I look around,
I see mindless behaviour,
Everytime I close my eyes,
I dream mindless dreams.

This world is filled with mindlessness,
is it ever going to change?

You can take everything away from me,
But not my words,
My words are mine,
and only mine to keep

I can write, I can sing, I can dance
You can try to break my soul,
But you can't take it away from me

I'm still breathing,
I'm still in the game,
You haven't made me lose yet

I have a willpower within,
That will always overcome your hatred
My words make me win over you,
Because they're filled with my soul

You don't own a soul,
So you're words will never matter
You will always lose,
Over me,
And everything,
And everyone else
It's called karma for a reason...

I guess it's true what they say
"You reap what you sow"

The nights are mine
Nothing can change that
Peace, quiet and serenity
I’m alive, I can breathe
I can see clearly because
the darkness comes and the light fades.

The nights are mine,
And I never feel better
While you sleep, I live to the fullest
I smile, I laugh, I create, I learn
After a long day, I can finally relax.
Not be judged. Just be. Be me.

The nights are mine
Nobody owns me,
I’m by myself,
Running my own show,
Just letting my creativity flow,
And my intellect grow.

I'm simply suffocating,
Still breathing,
But suffocating.

I'm simply stuck,
Still moving,
But stuck.

I'm simply crying,
Still smiling,
But crying.

I'm simply dead,
Still alive,
But dead.

You think you know me,
Who I am,
What I do.

You're as clueless as it gets,
Sorry about the rest.

I want to leave,
Start my life,
Start over

You are so settled,
Pleased,
Satisfied

I'll never settle here
It's not my home
This is not me

If I leave,
Would you come with me?
You said I'm not alone,
Will you prove yourself wrong?

I'm mad I bothered,
and I'm sorry I tried,
today I might leave you,
fallen behind.

I'm tired of smiling,
when you don't give a ****,
I'm sorry for caring,
when you never did at all

I'm done with being stamped on,
harder each time,
Your nest isn't safe...
It never was

Every second of the day,
my heart is still breaking
I'm leaving to save myself,
the small remains of my soul.

I know it isn't right,
but sometimes I feel it might be alright.
The urge is too severe,
like a curse...
I ruin all that was beautiful with us,
just for my own egotistical reasons,
maybe I'm not worthy of your love no more,
maybe it's time to move on to the open shore.

For both of us.

Many times I wished for you to care
To love me,
Stay by my side,
Help me,
Encourage me,
Make me smile and laugh,
Protect me,
Make me feel special,
I've never had that

Didn't you think I deserve it?
Wasn't I important enough?
Did your own selfhatred get in the way?

While you wallowed in self-pity
And added even more regrets to your life
I was left alone, on the outside, feeling abandoned
Like I wasn't worthy

You acted cold and distant
The words I was too young to hear
You didn't care for your life,
Or to see us grow up,
You probably didn't see it like that,
But kids do,
We're not programmed to have adult minds,
You should've known,
I wanted to be loved and that's all I wanted back
To love you with all my heart

The few times you looked at me and smiled
Is all I will ever have from you
It hurts that I care as much as I do
When you've never been there for me
You were never there
I wonder if you ever wanted to

All those times you never showed up,
Made me cry,
Left all alone...
Did you even know?
Did you drink away the only hunch
You've ever had?
Was it worth it?

I get life is hard,
I get you're down,
Believe me, I do
But is that an excuse to neglect your flesh?
If someone hurt you in the past,
It was never me, never your little girl
Why weren't I your little girl?

You grew up in a distant family,
It does stuff to a person,
Just like all this did to me
I get that and try to be understanding
But my patience is fleeting
You don't value my heart
I'll still continue to **** you with kindness
That's a better way to die
Than die of the *****, old and alone

Hopefully you'll find peace and stop
This selfdestructiveness
If not, atleast I tried
A job not mine to do
Only you can make the change,
Only if you want do

I guess you're a lost case
Prove me wrong
But I'll never hold my breathe waiting,
Because if there's one thing I've learned,
It is that you never keep a promise

I'm like this again
It's an uncurable disease,
Just keeps on coming back
Making me want to die
I'm also afraid to die
I really want to live
I really want to want to live
But I still feel like this,
And I can't live with it

You say you love me,
They say they miss me,
Some even wants to be with me,
I can't believe a word they say
I can hear it, but not understand
Or feel it
Makes no sense at all,
why I still feel all alone

Might be that I never let them through,
Noone knows what's going on,
Going on inside my mind,
All my broken thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams
Crushed into the one thing
That I've always been able to feel,
and to understand;
The strong and powerful pain
It's like it's always with me,
Even when I am starting to feel fine,
It's still with me,
the pain then starts to rain all over me
It won't ever go away from me

Can't I ever be free?
Why have I felt like this forever?
I thought things would get better,
I always do, but it never lasts
The pain takes me straight back
It never tells when it's going to strike
But when it strikes, it strikes
I'm certain of that

Will this be my future?
Day in and day out...
A glimpse of happiness,
Then just excruciating pain
Like there's no way out
You give and then you take
Everything that's left on the plate
More than you gave
Just to leave me with less
When I started to lose my suppress
I'm now suppressed to a whole new extent

I'm afraid to tell,
paranoid in every way,
A sound here, a shadow there
Someone wants me, I have to hide
They all want to take me down
Don't go outside, you'll be destroyed
The sun will melt you,
the rays will burn you,
And the daylight,
It will destroy you...
My mind says things I know aren't true,
But If I open up my state of mind,
I don't know if I'll get cured

I'm afraid to be ridiculed
I'm afraid to be looked down upon
I'm afraid to be framed
I'm afraid to be deceived
I'm afraid to be lied to
I'm afraid to be ruined

But must of all,
I'm afraid of growing old...
To die alone and unloved,
filled with unfulfilled dreams,
Years of depression and guilt
Of all the life I never lived
Wasted time, wasted memories
Just because of fear
how can I bear?

I doubt everyone's intentions
Even my own
In my heart,
I don't even know where I belong

I don't want to take my life, I want to start my life

My disease complicates my soul
When it rains at the most,
it turns into an ocean, I've been here before
The question is...
Will I swim through this time too,
or will this be the time I drown?

There he stands...
So tall, so beautiful
With nothing but his hat,
and his voice
I get goosebumps from the magic
of his singing
My hands tremble of the nervousness
of him not noticing me
the way I notice him
I just want him so badly,
need his kiss to calm my mind,
from all the lustful thoughts
that just keep on comin'
as he keep on singin'

I wish to be there
and sing side by side,
Our voice connecting
as our hearts find each other

We could belong,
we could be one...

I need to change
For myself
For my life
For my friends
For the world
To live
True
Real
Meaningful

I will not die in vain,
I refuse

The silence didn't overwhelm me this time
It made me peaceful,
Happy,
Calm
But the silence is only an illusion
All I see is darkness,
All I feel is chaos...

If I could choose,
I'd choose a better reality

Life is just something temporary,
it doesn't last forever,
sometimes you might want it to be,
but other times that's the last thing you want.

Life is a strange thing,
and everyone that participates,
are in the same game as you,
some win, some lose and some never get to play.

Life can be unbearable,
other times extremely bearable,
filled with joy, happiness and laughter,
but it can fast change to anger, sadness and tears.

Life is uncontrollable,
when it comes to when it starts,
and when it ends.
Other than that,
you can control more than you think...

I don't want this anymore,
it brings me to tears,
fill me with fears.

I scratch myself from desperation,
it hurts my body and mind,
gives me an ache that I'll never find.

My heart has been shot by a ruthless gun,
now filled with a large hole in the middle,
hole that matches the hole in my soul.

I am sick of trying to get through,
in ways that doesn't do me no good.
Set me free,
I won't continue to ****** my soul.

It's all nonsense,
But it's still my thoughts
It's all selfdestructive,
But it's still in my mind
It's all sad,
But it's still a part of me
It's all I feel,
But it's also all I know...

You can try to run,
You can try to hide,
You can try to get liberated,
But it will only be in vain...

We will all die,
An inescapable fact,
Let's make the most of it,
While we're still alive...

Even if I feel dead,
I haven't yet died,
I'll carry on searching

I won't hold my breath and die,
I'll continue to keep myself alive...

The realization has comed for me,
For I have not been true,
I've been untrue and selfish,
Stupid and impatient,
Wasting hour after hour,
Simply to pass time,
Instead of being warm, nice and honest,
I've been a ******* drinking for hours

I've acted like a loose cannon,
Ashamed of my actions,
I realized the real reality for me,
To work for my dreams,
Listen to my gut,
And be true to my heart

I love the autumn leaves,
the autumn trees,
they're just as beautiful,
as we used to be.

I love sweathers,
jackets and the early darkness,
everything that's beautiful...
in the madness of autumn.

"Is the stress taking over my body?"
Only question on my mind...
as my body feels heavy and shaky,
as my head hurts and is filled with worries,
as my fingers tremble and my eyes flicker

"Is it possible to calm myself down?"
One question I struggle to answer...
as I try to think positive thoughts,
as I try to smile and be happy,
as I try to do my daily tasks,
I'm still feeling like **** inside...

It's like the chaos inside me never extinguish itself,
I'm left to deal with the flames it creates,
I feel too weak to put up a fight,
I don't have enough strength left...

I guess stress is taking over for real,
This time...

Just do as I say,
you have to tease me,
in order to please me

It's like an itch,
it wont quit,
make me tick

Who's the boss this time...
should I obey
or decide?

You don't know how I feel
The endless chaos in my mind
You think everything is okay
The outside hides the war inside

I feel pain in my chest,
I smile my best
I feel weak as I wake up,
I struggle to cope

My head is aching
From anxieties and endless fears
Worries, doubts and bad memories

Being alone is torture for me,
Tears fall down my cheeks,
As my gun calls for repeat

You simply do not know,
I simply do not show

That I am dying slow...

Do you want to know me?
The real me
Can you see my soul?
Do you have what it takes to handle me unwrapped?

Will you see beyond my scars?
Will you love me regardless?
May I give you my all without being crushed?
May I bare myself at your feet?

If not...
Just go,
Leave me alone and move on
My heart has been through enough disappointment,
To last an entire lifetime on it's own...

I write because it's all that I know,
It's been my comfort all along
When I had noone else,
My pen and paper was there,
Holding my hand...

When I was young and vulnerable,
All alone and confused,
I could write down my thoughts,
And feel less darkness consumed

I found calmness in my writing,
And peace in my room
I found clearness in my mind,
As each word got dribbled down

I found love in my books,
When it was nowhere else to find
I found hope in these stories,
Because my life had no hope to find

I found nurture everywhere else,
Than where it truly should be
I seeked for guidance,
In places a child shouldn't be

I was sad and lonely,
Afraid and worried.
Naive and trustworthy,
Stupid and young.

I couldn't know...
What have I done?

I'm a prisoner in my own mind,
I can't get out,
It destroys me more and more,
With each passing day
It feels like hell,
nothing can extinguish these flames...

I'm burning alive,
and I will burn all the way down
I'm all ashes now,
Soon I'll become what I've felt all along,
Like nothing,
Nothing at all...

I'm trapped

I don't care about anyone,
or anything
You keep me safe and sound,
bring me joy and laughter

I like us better in private,
just being myself with you,
fulfills me
No worries,
no need to be scared

Just us two, no interruptions
So secure,
perfect as can be,
could stay like this forever,
no doubt in my mind

This moment,
right here,
right now,
no pain,
just love

I have lost direction,
In every aspect of life,
In every part of my being,
My soul,
My heart,
My will.

I have lost it all trying to please
Everyone else but me,
Trying to do what they want from me,
And not what I want for me.

I'm sick of playing games,
But it's hard to say game over,
When you don't know whether you win or you lose.
It's a 50/50 chance,
All or nothing,
The scariest of them all.

I have lost direction trying to keep myself from the fall,
I have lost direction trying to stay safe from the storm,
I have lost direction living for other beings than me,
I have lost direction by not being me.

It's painful to breathe,
It hurts to see,
My heart just bleeds,
It's a simple deed,
All I don't need...

It's all I know,
I always feel low,
I guess it show,
That I never glow...

I want to shine bright,
Reflect the light,
Of the stars in the night,
Feel so right...

Do I belong in your heart
Or my own?
Unaffected by your love,
wisdom and words,
Or filled with your love,
us forevermore, side by side
Till death do us apart?
Speak now or forever hold your peace