the fear of tomorrow
keeps me hidden.
why venture with no
security.
you are not there,
I cannot see you.

where do I go,
who will lead me?

I am lost,
you are gone.
what shall I do?

love is a scam
I think we all know it
only takes, never gives
demands your whole life
without even a blink

we both know
we loved each other
and yet
you let fear take over
so we never were

you heart broke me
crying tears for you
that never should be

now I need to forget
you and all the memories
how long will it take this time
only the future knows

hurting and broken
restricted by love
cursed
lost

love should be easier
not a question
to be or not to be

its all your fault
why do you torture me
with your kind words
and sweet smiles

my heart breaks,
every time I think of you.
the tears slide,
every time your name pops up.

you have my heart
wrapped around.
I cannot be free,
for you have me.
stuck in this cage
of hope.

Pt 1

me is safe
me isn't daring

me is comfortable
me is kind
not bold or loud

this journey
striving to answer
One Question

Who is me

Love is the feeling
that which controls
Only its not so very well understood
Sometimes its easy to forget
Tomorrow is yet another day to
hope

why oh why am I
single
this house of horrors

this nightmare
filled with everything
that I long for

its a pain
to be forever

alone

all around me are couples,
walk around,
frightened and clinging
to each other
clowns jumping out,
chain saws screeching on

paralyzed in fear
crying in extreme anger
everything in me
screams to have control
yet I keep

failing

am nothing
yet I feel everything
how do I cope

timers keep going off
time is running out
there is no time

im going crazy
somebody help
before the time runs out

the smoke in my lungs,
tears in my eyes,
he is the break in my heart
I am suffocating;

Time.

he squeezes,
he grips,
demands, limits,
leaves no survivors;

Time.

don't know what to feel
hate you; love you
lost in the confusion

I get what I want
yet I'm left
heartBroken
when you leave

dynamic is changing
you no longer chase me,
was it only ever a hope
for More?

you hurt me
but I hurt me too
for trusting so
easily

is it this loss,
the loss of her
or is it something else

constantly eating, dreaming.
looking.
waiting, searching.
failing.

people seem to find that which they look.
I do not.

am I alone in my antsy
will my leg ever stop shaking,
my heart stop looking?
will I ever be satisfied?

running out of time
for what?
love, life,
everything

some would say my life
just started
I disagree
more like it feels like
it is only
ending

I know its cringe,
just let me be;
I know im cringe,
its my identity

one day
I dream that I will have the eyes to
see the love that is right in front of me,
the spine to go and grab it,
and the heart to appreciate it for what it is

one day
I dream that I will have the courage to use my fear
instead of the other way around,
the intelligence to make my future bright,
and the imagination to not stop dreaming big

kids are repulsive
people are repulsive
I wanna die

Assumptions: make them
Lies: deal them
Feelings: disregard them;
for they will be wrong anyway
Definitions: adopt them

Privacy: error
Rights: error
Individuality: error

Conformity: accept

we rely on a future
that isn't there,
a past that too
loud
we cling to ourselves
like there is no one else
around

questions are left standing
alone
nowhere to go
niceties walk like snails
on depressants

stuck in a hurricane of
molasses;
cold and dark,
lonely but peaceful;
it surrounds me

how I like it here

why is it that these
emotions
give no warning;
feeling of nothingness
and
meaningless
envelop my every
cell

what does anything
matter
nothing means nothing
my breath has no
weight

walking in a fog
once you get out
you realize
you have been walking
in water
the whole time

you're drowning

why do i feel so sad?
nothing happened
least not really
but i am wrong
i am always wrong

that is what
they said

I believed them

why am I so scared to
love?
its tearing me apart
its something I need, I desire
yet I push them away
push myself away

movies, music, magic
its all too much
I want it but i'm too
scared

the boy
he must be waiting
for me right?
he has too, right?
for me to get a spine
and finally
find him
cause I cant wait anymore

it hasn't even been a week,
still i miss you;
i  cant stop thinking about
you
about how I ended things.
i'm sorry

i can't stop worrying,
you could my thoughts
i miss you

I cant sleep
no more
my brain is too

awake,
alert,
aware,

scared,
terrified

its
survival mode

just hit my second decade
will it be my last?

are the questions
I ask in uni
worth the breath
I waste on it?

the papers I write,
the presentations I complete,
is anything worth it?

no one knows

do not read the news
just do not
do it;
media hypes
the worst of it all
in hopes that we'll become
Paralyzed

school is cancelled
children cheer
while families fear for the
Future

why do i feel so empty?
could it really be
because
We lost?
or is it
more?
what did I lose?
question is
what haven't i lost yet

idek
and i am too tired to

heart screams
noise overwhelms
why is it
failing me?

is there truly
no one?
no fish?
maybe mammals
are better

but the world
hates
why do they
hate
me

too close to home,
to what I know

why cant this
end?

How long does it take for the world to see how depressed you are?
How long to see the emptiness, the false air?
How long can someone pretend without losing themselves in the process?
How long does it take for someone to go numb?

buoys
someone with whom a
relationship
would be good,
easy
normal

grills
no pressure, no stress
simply be you
and you are
fine;
loved

buoys,
a whole other topic
please stop
bringing it up;
grills
so much easier;
feels so safe,
feels so comfort

drip drop
who knows
which will be
the last
like breath
no one ever
knows
no one ever thinks
to appreciate
either

do I
or do I
not
so easy
but is it
really?

it really does
not
matter if you try
it only
truly
matter s
what people
see

took double what
the label said;
first time
kinda scary
kinda don't care;
yet appropriate too
he needed to go
away

so powerful
yet so quiet
silent
produces
passion
like no
other

different kind of
ecstasy,
a necessity;
pain
blind to its own
power,
blind to its own
strength

voice encased in fear
holds the ability to change
to

what defines
it
who defines
it
I know

They
do

Me
who
they
want
me to
be

there was only ever
one
she was my saving
grace

there is
so
many
to choose from
yet
who would
ever think to like
lil ol' me

can I like just
go in a forest
and fall
quietly
quickly
without people
hearing me
or will they
invade me
again

desperate,
picky
all in one
brain
romantic,
yet
logical
how can this
be

despised
yet you desperately
need me to
communicate to
you for
your benefit
yet how do
you expect
me to communicate on
your terms
you cannot
expect
me to do
that

always on the
run from
you
but the virus
is already here
in my lungs
I cannot stop
it
I am already
done

why do I find so much
emotional comfort
in a sweater
that represents so much
hate

things just don't
add
up

why won't they just let
me
be
angry for
once

Dream a dream,
long and wide;
wake up and carry on
the day is yet to come.