And none of them realize
The effort it takes to get out of bed
To go outside for the day
And face all of my fears
None of them realize
How tiring it can be
To pretend.

And then in the end,
She collapsed into herself.
And she cried.
She cried like there was nothing left.
Because there wasn't.
She was alone.
Or so she thought.
Because when she closed her eyes,
She was surprised by what she saw.
Everyone she had ever lost was right there.
They grasped her tight in an embrace.
She realized then
That even when she felt alone,
The memories of the ones she loved,
Would stay by her side forever.
And she would never be alone.

I'm an angel,
They said.
But they don't know me.

If I'm not numb-
Do I go back for more?

Maybe one day
I won't
Go back for more.

"Why don't you call?"
They ask,
Even though
Every time I do,
It's always something new.

I grew out of toxic behavior
I don't miss the screaming
And the emotional trauma.
She was always scheming.
And I believe in karma.

This life isn't easy.
I'd rather be alone.
But it's hard without-
A place to call home.

When you need a friend's help,
Do not fret.
Do not fear.
Your best and only friend is near.
Trust only them.
Turn around and face Her-
The one who understands you best.
Turn around and look in the mirror-
Where only your face appears.
Because everyone else made a mess.

Paper mache hearts
Stepped on
Broken-
As people walk on.
Not enough glue
Not enough paper
To repair them all.
Not enough-
To place the shards of our hearts
Back together.

If you looked closely,
You might notice,
The dark circles under her eyes,
The creases in her forehead.

If you paid attention,
You might notice,
Her bitten down fingernails,
The dead look in her eyes.

If you really looked at her,
You might notice,
The tear streaks beside her eyes,
The tiny scars on her arms.

If you watched her,
You might notice,
The way she looks sad when someone says love,
The frown she wears when no one is watching.

But if you didn't pay attention,
You would see,
A kind, humorous, and loving girl
Who has so much ambition.

Is a poet still a poet
If they do not write?

A journal gathering dust,
But a yearning to write.
Am I still a poet
Without my inner light?

Politics
At least that what they call it
I call it lies.
I call it The Cold War
The Holocaust
The war between the states.

I'm here to help you
At least that's what they say
But all I hear
Are all the broken families
Cries of children that haven't eaten
The graduate that is jobless and depressed

I want to be your next president
But from all of their mouths,
All I hear is
I'm here for my own gain.
That's all I hear
From every **** politician.

I never realized
How easy it could be
To lose yourself-

I stopped taking time for myself,
Gave myself to others,
Piece by piece.

Every time I put the puzzle back together,
Another piece was missing.
Or perhaps stolen.

One day I will no longer exist.

She loved the rain.
She loved the way it fell with purpose,
The way it changed from sprinkle to downpour.
The way it caressed her face
When she looked to the clouds
She thought it to be gentle
Beautiful.
So maybe that's why she didn't notice,
When the flood began,
That she was drowning.

I always loved the rain.
It was dramatic.
It could give you relief on a hot day,
Or flood entire cities.

I'm listening to the rain outside now
And I remember-
How I used to compare my tears to the rain
Alone in my room
So no one could hear
It was a beautiful thing
That I blamed my sadness on
Instead of accepting depression.

I'm listening to the rain outside now
And all I can think-
Is how much I want to kiss you in it-
Like some cheesy romcom.
How nice it is to be held by someone,
Someone who loves you.
I've beaten depression for a while now,
And I have been appreciative of the rain.
But you,
You make me want to go dance in it.
Jump in some puddles.
Because I am very happy

A hunger for something
Anything
The child turns towards her mother
I'm hungry
A mother walks away from her child
You ate this morning
Because a piece of bread
At 8 am
Was supposed to be a reminder
Of what a great mother she was.
With only a baby doll and a box
The child continues playing
As her stomach slowly eats itself
While the mother goes out
To smoke the grocery money
And cry about her incarcerated love.

And again
We see why our world
Is killing itself.

I walk through these days
In a blur
I question reality.
Feeling timeless
Although I am a creature of time.

And sometimes-
I wish I were an animal
Because they truly live without worry.
And then they die
But death doesn't stop them from living.

And I want that.
I want to live without the thought of death.
I don't want to die in a hospital bed like those before me.
I want to rage against the dying of the light
As Thomas once said.

And I want to love
And love deeply
And together there will be no time,
Just us.
Just until we are no more.

How wonderful it would be-
To find the light
I know dwells inside of me.
I know you want to help me,
But don't you understand?
The difficulty of finding the sun,
When I've been relying on the moon?

I looked at the world around me,
I could see the future clearly,
So perfectly laid out.
I would be successful,
I wouldn't be alone.

I knew I had to jump,
Had to fall.
So I picked the deepest ocean I could find,
And I dove in
Thinking it would be easy to swim back up.

When I hit the rock bottom,
The last thing I saw-
Millions of people just like me,
Drowning and clawing towards the sky
For just one more feeling of life.

And even though we were together,
I had never felt more alone.

Sometimes-

I wish I had never
Known romantic love.
I have been chasing a high
No substance can fulfill
Ever since.

We are wild.
We are free.
We grow together in disarray.
Never knowing right and wrong,
Going in our own directions.
Sometimes we get cut down,
And put back into a controlled state.
Sometimes we flourish in the sunshine,
Uncontrolled and successful.
We encounter both paths.
But we find our ways to ourselves.
We are all part of a wild rose garden,
We are humans.

It's a strange thing,
Sadness.
How it comes and goes.
Happy one second
Staring out the window the next.
Listening to Coldplay
While the tear slides down my cheek.
So dramatic.
I know.
But it happens,
All the time,
When I ask myself,
Why do I allow myself to be happy,
When so much bad has happened?

I have many secrets
That I have never
Told a single soul
But I have many lies
That everyone seems to know.

Cry me a river,
In fact,
Cry me two.
I am sick of hearing,
All about you.
You never once stopped
To ask about me.
While I sat and listened
To all your sob stories.
I love you,
But I need you to know.
I can't listen to you.
You are self-absorbed.
And I can't help you.
Even if I wanted to.

She never moved
She never lived
She never existed.

She could have had the world.

The light finally glistening
Into her eyes
As she sees the world
For the first time

Many years away
From reality
But today
She is happy.

Oh she had found the loveliest place
Where the sun shined
And the grass grew tall
People were friendly
She fit in well.
Oh she loved it
She loved it so.
But she couldn't connect
She made acquaintances
She never made friends
It didn't take long
For a place where
The sun shined
And the grass grew tall
Where people were friendly
Oh it didn't take long
It changed to a place
Where even the brightness of the moon
Couldn't brighten the shadows in her heart
Where the green grass grew
More than her happiness
Where all the friendly people
Couldn't even get her name.
Oh she couldn't care less
She couldn't care less.

But all the words she threw
To all the people she knew
Only got a reply one time
They might have well just said
*Goodbye

I broke my own heart
Trying to be enough for you
And always falling short.

Her dreams-
Were too loud
And when she was told to be quiet,
She listened.
Now she just sits in silence.

Sometimes-
I wish you would look behind my eyes,
And listen to me when I'm silent.
I wish you would pick through my thoughts-
And automatically know how I feel.
I wish you could see the view I have of the world-
That I cannot explain out loud.
God, I wish you could see what I think,
When I'm silent.

I was built-
In frigid cold
Under painful circumstances
So delicate
Fragile, I was
When they created me.
They built me up from the ground,
Where I had fallen
Carefully they picked me up
Plastered a new nose on my face
Two black eyes
Two very empty eyes
And a smile.
A smile that would always fall off
I was finally something new
Not better,
Just different.
I believed I had been saved.
Until the day I realized,
I had been
Created in the coldest depths
Of other people's souls
Who gave me empty eyes
And a broken smile.
They made a snowman
And left me out in the cold
Because once they made me
I had no more use
Left alone to die
Waiting for-
The first wave of heat to come along.

I am lost,
In this desolate place in time and space
Slowly floating into nonexistence
A life of not doing
But being.
Who knew space was like a maze?
The dead ends replaced with black holes
That **** you up into their worlds.
A world of darkness,
With tiny dashes of light.
***** of gas burning me alive.
A world of suffering,
But a world of beauty.
I don't believe I mind the pain.
Glancing at Earth from billions of light years away
A tiny ant.
We are nothing.
Our lives are only a minuscule fraction of this universe,
So along I go,
I couldn't find my place in my world,
So I floated through space
To find my place in the universe,
But this maze has overcome me
I don't think humans were made
To experience life in the sky.

Time flies by,
But I feel like I'm standing still
There's a part of me that doesn't mind
The stressed part
That doesn't want to deal with anything.
Then there's the other part of me,
That wants to run with the time
Travel the world
And die when the time is right.
Time flies by,
And I don't want to stand still anymore.

Sometimes when I feel sad
I go outside-
And I look at the stars.
I can always trust in them,
For they will always be there
Day and night.
The billions of diamonds in the sky.
As I lie on the ground and hear what they have to say,
They tell me beautiful and heroic stories,
And sometimes if I listen to them long enough,
I forget why I'm sad,
And tell myself to be brave
Like the stars.

We should all look to the stars for advice
They know how to live.
Been sitting in the sky for so long
Shining for the world
Eventually dying in a beautiful explosion
That we on earth cannot comprehend
When a star dies,
It is never the end
A beautiful dwarf star can take its place
Beauty is neverending in space
So maybe we should take note-

Shine bright
Inspire others
Die beautifully

It really was always that simple.
Be happy.

Tell me it's over.
Tell me it's time to start again.
Been on a journey
That never seemed to end.
Would you tell me,
That I have made it to my destination?
Am I free?
Would you hold me,
And never let me leave again?

I'm starving
For things I've never had.
I'm starving
For adventure
I'm starving
For love
I'm starving
For new experiences
I'm starving
For my own story

Step into the light,
They said.
Open the blinds,
And maybe you'll find your way.
The sun shall guide you
To wherever you need to be,
The happiness you've dreamed of
For all of eternity*

But my friend,
I replied.
The life in which I live,
I am satisfied.
The moon guides me throughout the night,
And to be honest,
It is best if I stay out of the light.
The darkness has consumed me,
We have become one
In fact,
Now I can see better in the dark,
Than I can in the sun.

I walked away without a word more,
Into the darkness
In which I continued fighting my war.

I allow myself to be a sinking stone-
Settling in the bottom of the sea,
Encompassed in darkness.

I wait for a tide
To bring me to shore-
But it never comes.

Stop.
Step back.
Take a glance,
Reflect on your actions.
So many of us,
Make choices without thought,
Make mistakes without care,
But we do not understand
The consequences.
So I believe we all
Should take a moment
And stop.

In all my life
The suns rays
Never broke through
The thundering storm clouds

What am I supposed to do,
When my biggest battle
Is with myself?

The more I fight,
The more I give in.
For it is neverending.

The struggle with myself,
Day in and day out,
Is my only true battle.

I have seen suns set
All over the world
And each time
I feel more alive
Than the last.

And maybe in the end-
We are all superheroes.
Each of us with a tragic back story
Specific sets of attributes
Some of us fly
Some of us read minds
And maybe some of us-
Are stronger than others,
We all have potential.
I believe the only difference
Between us all is-
**Who will stand up,
And fight?

I'm a survivor
But believe me
It's not that great
Give me a bad situation
And I'll come out alive
But give me your love
And I'll give it away
In order to survive.

Take me away-
Distract me from this place.
Stress has overtaken me
My life has forsaken me.
I have just realized,
After all that I've done,
I've become like them.
A mindless robot
With sociopathic tendencies.
I'm begining to malfunction.
Help me,
Take me away.
Fix me.

Tell me more lies
Tell me the story.
You swore on a heart
But you don't mind to break
Because what is the promise,
If you no longer have a heart?

I swear to you-
Go to any ocean or mountain view,
And I'll be there.
I might be sitting in a chair,
Or perhaps upon a rock,
Or maybe I'm just standing,
Admiring.

You will know it's me,
By the way I am looking at the beauty.
I will be smiling.
My eyes will be shining.
I might even close my eyes,
And just listen to the songs of the world.
You will recognize me immediately.

Join me.
Join me and we will admire together.
Come find me,
And sit beside me.
We will love the world together.
All you have to do is recognize me.

I promise you.
Go somewhere beautiful,
And I'll be there, too.

The calendar hasn't changed it's page
In 5 years.
It's hanging on the wall upstairs
Stuck on February 2011
It's too sad to turn the page
Because you were always the one to do it,
Until the day you died
In February 2011.

You went on your fishing trip
Caught a big one this time,
You said.
This one's a bit heavy,
Weighed down.
With a sharp tug on the pole,
You finally retrieved your catch.
Well, what is it?,
You asked.
You held something in your hand
Pulsing and black.
Whatever it is,
It's not worth it.
You threw it back into the water,
Back into the dark depths.
Let's keep on fishing.
I wanna catch a big bass.

They say there's plenty of fish in the sea
But you didn't even notice,
When you caught my heart.
Sure,
It was beaten
Almost unrecognizable.
But it only took you a second,
To judge my darkness
As impairment,
And toss me back to a personal hell
You reeled in my heart,
And you didn't even know.

I'm sorry I can't be
**The catch of the day.