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julianna Apr 2019
I don’t have the mental space nor clarity to deal with you, for I am mostly just like you
You make mists into fog and steps into mountains
I would apologize if the words didn’t make me feel so sick, and I’m afraid of falling, too
So goodbye or goodnight, whichever comes next
~
julianna Aug 2018
Why do we force a smile,
And let the people lead?
Anxiety will end the “us”
And it will leave the “me”
julianna Sep 2019
How can I send this message?
I tie a ribbon ‘round my wrist,
To keep a measure of my rib cage
And I scarf down my food,
I shower when no one’s around
Cause’ I can chuck it up in silence
Still trynna be silent because I’m paranoid
That I’ll spill Mia’s little secret
So many letters,
But I’m still wearing an “ED” necklace
round’ my thin neck
Read between the lines on my wrists
I don’t like being alone,
But I need help and you don’t give it, no.
julianna Oct 2019
I can’t be a mind reader,
Tell me what you mean
I don’t understand the language that you speak
julianna Feb 2020
I won’t stop until I make you mine
If I wear eyeliner, will my blinking eyes catch your attention?
If my lips are lined with red will you want to kiss them?
I’ll bleach my smile, curl my hair
Buy new sweaters, and a nice blue dress
I won’t give up for the rest of time
I won’t stop until I make you mine
I may edit this later
julianna Apr 2018
Am I so broken
As a mirror that has shattered
Every choice I've made was wrong
So with every move,
I crack some more
julianna Jun 2018
Why are you the missing person in my life when you were never there at all?
The lost love, missing lyric, heart breaker.
I took one look at you and forever I was left: Hoping Dreaming Loving Begging Missing Wanting Needing you.
To touch you, hold you, have you...  Atleast one dose would have me satisfied.
But our paths diverted.
Maybe if I was braver
Maybe if you were stronger
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
We’d be together and I’d be addicted,
but
I’d never be missing you again.
julianna Sep 2018
If you misspell a word on a paper
You don’t shred the whole paper.
You fix the mistake
And move on.
Note to self not to shred myself up about doing one thing wrong.
julianna Nov 2019
She is not afraid of the big things.
She jumps at an opportunity to change her life into something more exciting.
But she’s afraid of the little things; Glances, words, exhales, first impressions.
Stuff that no one else seems to worry about, yet she has spent years nit-picking and resenting the moments, feelings, and people who have passed her by.
Because she has merely been too afraid to hold onto them. Too afraid to move on.
And now she lives a life of coexistent inconsistencies.
julianna Nov 2018
Monsters don’t exist
Still, we are very afraid
Because we made them
Monsters. A concept so often used to represent anything dislikable to society, which we are afraid of. Yet literal monsters don’t exist.
julianna Nov 2018
The moon, again, is hollow
Like my bony wings
I will fly until tomorrow
And breathe in dust while I sing
The condition of this living
Can’t hold me back when I die
And one day I’ll finally wake up
And, with mine, see your eyes
julianna Aug 2021
Mother hold me tighter,
I feel a bit cold
I wish you’d look at me longer
So you’d see the gold in my deep brown eyes
Stroke my hair and sing me to sleep
So I can be the child that I never got to be
If you held my hand,
Maybe I would feel less lonely
And if you kissed me I would feel less broken
Is it too much to ask for a tender word?
A loving touch?
A knowing nod?
I want advice only a mother would know
Teach me your ways
Share your gifts
Give me things other than clothes
Spend a few hours by my side
Hear my laugh, see me smile
Maybe then I could confide in my mother
My only mother
My dearest mother
julianna Nov 2018
The hurt behind my mom’s words
I call you mommy, aren’t I too old?
No, I will never be.
Because you will always love me.
At least that’s how it should be...
But your headaches are dissolving your sweetness along with your common sense.
That’s why I cried in the doctor’s line.
Your sharp words and accusations have been brewing
But I try to forgive
I’ve tried, I promise.
I try to understand my mother’s migraines.
julianna Nov 2018
Introduce me to you
Say your name, I have one too
My name is so, so far away
Galaxies can fill the fray
Between what I feel
And what’s my name
I’m dissociating again. My name feels unfamiliar...
julianna Oct 2018
My nightcap is communication,
because I crave it all day
I spend hours between four walls
And talking helps me get away.
So I stay up late most of the time,
Chatting my time away
Because after all, I have more time
When tomorrow rolls my way.
julianna Jul 2019
Touching things can make me nervous
Doing things can make me scared
I stay up til’ the morning
And then pretend like I care
julianna Feb 2018
Instead of getting angry
Instead of being sad
She read some books
And lived the lives
that other people had.
julianna Nov 2019
Stupid cats scratched the car
The only good thing that happened to us
In months
julianna Mar 2019
I’m not sure how else to say this:
I am darkness
He is light
I am blinding
He’s the night
I keep thinking
Awful things
He will fine me
I will pay
julianna May 2018
At night,
I always wonder...
If they knew what I'd been through,
Would they still like me?
julianna Sep 2018
Nobody loves me,
Because they don’t know
who I really am.
And how can you love someone
Who doesn’t exist?
I hate this stupid, pessimistic poem... but it’s true.
julianna Dec 2018
No more poems about the past,
None about the future.
I’m working I’m on being present
Instead of excusing myself to solve
old problems.
I’m trying hard to be in the moment, give people the attention that they deserve, and enjoy life. It’s hard with all the thoughts that constantly run through my mind, but it’s definately a work in progress.
julianna May 2018
There is nothing.
And the beats that I wanted to hear
go on too long.
I'm tired of being unsatisfied with things that I once wanted.
julianna Oct 2018
I wish that someone was interested enough
In me
To read between the lines and read
Deep
To point out where I failed
And places I was strong
To stalk me and examine me
And notice my song
My rhymes
My patterns
And rythyms
And tell me that they notice me, because I
Would never guess that anyone would ever
Notice me
I’m taking about here and now and always. I want someone to care enough to not just see me, but notice me without me having to ask them to.
julianna Jun 2019
If I could rewind,
I would do it all differently.
Maybe then,
I’d be over you.
julianna Feb 2018
My pain is as light as a feather
A dusty repetition
Of things I didn't do
julianna Apr 2018
How many false steps did we take
Or wrong turns?
No one noticed when we swerved off-course
But we’re too far now
Too far now for hope
So we pick fights over little things
And ignore the big
Because we’ll never find our way back home
julianna Aug 2021
mooɿ γm oɈni ʞlɒw υoγ ʇI
,ɿoɿɿim ɘʜɈ ni ϱniɿɒɈƨ m’I bnA
.ɘd ƨυ ɘvɒɘ⅃
Hint: Mirror
julianna Sep 2019
I’m happy, it’s okay!
The sadness is a part of me
But genuine smiles cover over it.
I know I’ll be sad eventually... For one moment,
One hour,
One day.
Maybe even a month,
But it’s okay...
That’s life and I accept it.
Okay.
This is me and I accept it.
julianna Mar 2018
one day i will walk to you,
clothed in the crisp linen of virtue
and amid all the people
i shall see only the one being
that i long to become
for one man shall leave his mother
and his father
and two become one.
julianna Jul 2019
You claim to be open-minded, yet you set boundaries which uninspire
You’re judgmental and don’t love people who are different, you only love the “different” that you choose
Your life doesn’t allow for true freedom, only freedom within a limit of constraints that were set by others, a freedom that won’t last forever
Your alternative lifestyle is draining and anything conservative is to be shunned
There is no balance
And one day you’ll find that between the laughter, the celebration, and overall dulling of the senses, that you are unhappy
And tired of being free
julianna Mar 2018
The saying is true,
Opposites do attract
You are someone I could never forget
And I am someone you could.
julianna Feb 2018
When I stopped seeing your face in my dreams,
My love for my life went and ripped at the seams.
You allowed me to realize one essential fact
When you tore our perfect and beautiful pact.
I am just a human on a rock in space
With no helpful purpose and no helpful place.
Tu es ma vie, mon amour et mon cher
But you do not love me
No, you do not care.
julianna May 2018
Music enters through my ears and floods my body.
It's too much to bear,
It's honest and raw.
The emotions penetrate my soul, leaving it cut and exposed.
Do I lay on the ground and let the current wash over me,
Leaving me cold, but fresh
Vulnerable but new?
Or do I close my eyes and refuse?
julianna Jun 2018
I have a parasite.
It's called perfectionism
It causes me to have overwhelming brain spasms
When you ask me to do something out of my
"comfort zone"
If I try to do it, I have to battle against the parasite.
It says things like:
"This is too hard."
"Give up, it's easier."
"You don't care about this!"
I'm practicing self-soothing methods,
Ways to drown out the little parasite's
Nagging voice.
It is difficult.
It is hard.
But I am stronger, I am the host.
julianna Apr 2018
I hate making mistakes
In this life, you never win
I'm tired of getting close,
Close to a perfect that doesn't exist
julianna Oct 2018
What’s wrong with me?
When it came to dealing with others,
I never saw myself in a negative way.
But now, all I notice
is my pessimistic nature.
Do the cons always outweigh the pros?
No, of course not,
but lately I remember more bad things than good.
I’m constantly learning and bettering myself. It’s frustrating at times because no one has all the answers, but at the end of the day progress is progress.
julianna Nov 2018
I have phone habits
Are they the same as yours?
How do you talk when you’re nervous?
How do you act when you’re bored?
I want to see how you’ll move
When together, we’re alone
Do you touch skin to skin
Or peel back bone to bone?
What kind of cook are you,
The type that stresses out?
Can you relax in tense moments
Or do you freak out?
Will you be my rock
And will I be your stone?
One day we’ll wrote the story that, for now, remains untold.
In general, I am so intrigued by people and how they handle even mundane things, like phone habits. Do they wait until it is low battery to charge it? Do they charge it intermittently all day? Small things like that are interesting to me. This poem, though, is written from a romantic standpoint, as if I were speaking to my romantic interest. It’s about learning the little things that make them who they are and how they interact with you.
julianna Jun 2018
Please.
Tell me it doesn’t really matter.
If it does, it’ll break me.
If it did, I can’t take it.
julianna Jul 2019
A smile graced my face for the first time in a while
I saw the city and stood both in the darkness and the fire
I know my path, the same one that was written time before me
I know it’s meant to be, I’ve read the signs and productivity
A lot has been going on lately, but today I feel okay.
julianna Feb 2020
I would die for you.
Take a bullet,
Walk through fire,
Jump out of a car
For you
I wish you felt this way,
Too.

Sincerely,
Me
julianna Dec 2019
It’s the feeling of knowing
Someone’s name,
Their favorite color,
How many siblings they have,
And their mothers face.
While they might see your face and
Think,
“Haven’t I seen them before?”
julianna Jun 2019
I’m constantly fronting
My mask is a smile
I push you away
And cry all the while.
Alternate version of “artofasmile”. They both feel good and even though they’re so similar, I wanted to post them both.
julianna Mar 2019
I can’t stop asking.
How could I not ask questions?
I don’t have answers.
julianna May 2020
I may be thinking of you, but it might just be the weather
It might be the food, the music, or the talk
No matter what it is,
I see you in my head
I hear your voice
I say your name
There’s so much more we could have. But is it the right choice?
Am I brave enough to try?
RE-
julianna Aug 2019
RE-
Doubting this is it,
The panic starts to set in.
It’s starting again...
Is this my forever?
Relapse
Replace
Release
Relapse
Replace
Re-
julianna Dec 2018
This wreck is a boomerang
It goes away and comes right back
The dream I had was like real life
I got angry and hurt someone
The guilt was unbearable
And even though their scars would fade with time,
I would (forever) feel broken
As if I was flawed.
julianna Nov 2018
I was allowed discharge after one year of progress,
And after a few measly weeks, I’m going back.
I don’t feel like a failure,
I’m just frustrated.
I thought that maybe the uphill battle would finally mellow out, but I’m getting bad again.
So I’m going to pick up the phone before I lose function,
Make and appointment,
And regress a few weeks.
But that’s okay,
Because recovery is not a straight line.
Red
julianna Apr 2019
Red
Red, I feel red.
I feel like
Comptine d'un Autre été: L'Après-Midi
Blue, I feel blue.
I feel like
Victor’s Piano Solo
Green, I feel green.
I feel like
To Build A Home
Orange, I feel like orange.
I feel like
Wicked Game
Yellow, I feel like yellow.
I feel like
idon’twannabeyouanymore
Black, I feel like black.
I feel like
Free The Animal
Purple, I feel like purple.
I feel like
Leave Me Alone (feat. Caitlin Henry)
~
Colors playlist. What song I associate with each song.
julianna Nov 2018
Oh, when the pain comes rolling back in.
Like the red tide.

It kills.
Wow, the past few days/week have been bad.
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