I want to ruin you
the way you ruined me
and you know I can
and you know I could
and you know I won't
and you know I didn't

I want to ruin you
because you ruined me
you took away my happiness
my reason to smile
you took away my soul
like the angel of death

you ruined my love
because I gave it all to you
and now I hate love
as much as I hate you
I don't trust love
just like I don't trust you

you ruined my heart
you broke it into pieces
and stepped on every piece
crushing every hope
I ever had
to be whole again

you ruined my life
by stepping into it
and then leaving
and then running back
only to walk away
slower

you ruined me
conquering my mind, body & soul
so much that
your happiness and sadness
became mine
but my inside went numb

you ruined me
worse than
he ruined you

I want to ruin you
but I don't have it
in me
to be as selfish
as heartless
as you

you've left me in sickness
and you've left me in health
you've left me in droughts
and you've left me in rain
you've left me while dying
and you've left me crying

You've left me again and again
and I've stuck by you in times
that you left and those when your
need was a hand to hold and cry
or when you wanted to rip that same skin
in your anxiety & pain

I saw what he did to you
I saw the blackmail
I saw the false pain he painted
I heard his fake screams
and your real ones
and so I wondered

I wondered why
you painted the same pain
with blood and heartbreak
and called me a monster all night
while asking me to help you
these were the same words he used

This was the same pain he gave you
in different ways
with different doses
for different incentives
yet still
the same pain

You'd come back
and I'd believe you to stay
I believed that you would stay
at least for the time you had promised
and its not my fault
if you had promised forever

You'd leave again
like everytime
but I knew you'd come back
like everytime
but this time you say is different
like everytime
and I'm left knowing nothing
like everytime

I had believed my first kiss (you)
would also always be my last
I fought for it to be
maybe I still might
but then how are you so comfortable
kissing lips that aren't mine

You hated your name
perhaps because he told you
that it meant "mine" (his)
But I made you love it
because I showed you its real meaning
The gift from God

Hence I wonder
what makes you hurt me
the way he hurt you
what makes you leave
around every corner
when what is needed is a fight

I am no saint no savior no medic
but I stuck through your nightmares
and I bared the pain you caused
only to sit you down
and stop you from killing
what I had in me for you

But you are My Killer
finding reasons to leave me
ways to hurt me
procedures to rip open
my chest and cut through my heart
that beat with your two syllable name

I still wonder why
and the one reason you offer
is just not strong enough
or good enough
to leave someone in the ways
you left me

I'm no saint
but I've never left you in pain
the way you've always left me

A mere few days
And we had almost
Gotten back together

I got you a present
And you saw our future
But I guess love much like you
Is not that simple
It’ll show you the best
And give you the worse
When you least expect it

And so it was
When you confessed
To your lies
And broke me once again

But this isn’t about me
Or my heart that you broke
Or my souls that you consumed
Or my mind that you poisoned

This is about you
And your blatant lies
The ones you fed me with love
For breakfast lunch and dinner

This is about how I trusted you
Blindly and unconditionally
If the words came from you
They were default correct for me

This is about how you had no guilt
As you pretended
To be someone you’re not
And showed me a you
That didn’t even exist

And I don’t want the you
That exists

The you that exists is a liar
The you that’s real is a cheat

But look at my misery
I say
i love you
When I don’t even know **you

Was losing everything
my past, present & future

I lost our to be
seeing you wear that special dress; the color of which I'll never find out
Hearing about your little sister make it big in college
Taking our families out together
Buying our first house
Showing your dad how to make real French toasts
Drinking the tea your mom makes
Or the muffins your sister would make at Noor's birthday
Our Noor
Raising her
Loving her
Loving you

baby i found myself
when I found you

*I've lost myself, finding you again

I never trusted them
to love you like I would
or to keep you safe
the way I would
or to protect you
like I did
or to put you to sleep
in all the chaos
or to sweep you off your feet
with the same speed
or to walk on the road besides you
and keep you on the side walk

but I trusted you
to stay true to me
to keep your soul
more than your body
all for me

but I trusted you
to keep my trust
safe under your pillow
or in the tiny box I gave you
with your name engraved on it

but trust you see
can not replenish
nor can it deplete
it either is
or it isn’t

now tell me
do you deserve
for me to hand you something
that I already gave to you
and you lost it

you either forgot it at your dorm
or left it in his car
maybe it slipped outside your purse
as you walked into that restaurant with him
maybe its somewhere under his bed sheets

you lost it
and you won't find it
in your bedside drawer
or your old cupboard
or under the dusty carpets

maybe one day
when you're cleaning your room
you'll come across its remains
and understand
the true worth of what you lost

when you lost my trust ...

To you it was always about
how beautiful I find your soul
how much love I give to it
it was always about
how I expressed love
in all the different ways
how much I cared about
the nights you cried
or the days you were happy
how I pampered you
or how I lectured you
it was all about how much
you could take without overflowing
and how much I could give

Love was a one way road for you
a road that didn't bend or curve
where going the other way
was a wrong way
a road with no stop signs
or signals

It was never about
how much love
you could give me back
or how sometimes
you could care about the nights
that were too dark for me
or how some days were just too bright
It was never about
how desirable I was
or how you could show me love
instead of speaking words that were lies
to you
it was about you
and so was it to me

I was finding ways to love you
you were finding more men
who would love you as I did
or ways to love yourself a little more

Love was a one way road
that went your way
and never turned back

love is a knife with two blades
it is to be held by two
and both bleed
but they either both live
or one pushes it enough to **** the other

so yes there is a lot of pain in your heart
I've made my share of mistakes
but you know as much as I do
that in this law of the universe
one has to outweigh the other

and after that
my pain outweighs yours
you know that it does too
we could've been even
until you did that

darling don't you see
three years outweigh three days
specially when you know what's between
is what's true
so why'd you even try to try something new

darling, you say it was okay though
because it was over
and I can't help but think how
how can something worth 3 years
be "over" in 3 days for you

and how did you not know this
before you went out and did that
because no matter what bad I did
it wasn't enough for me to deserve that
the extra push of the knife to **** me

I'm not the type to get over it
and all you want from me is to
forget you ever did that
or to justify it one way
or some other

every conversation
every sentence
every word
I utter to you
will have traces of disloyalty

I ask love
why'd you tear the flesh off my bones ?
why'd you push the knife through my heart ?

love was silent
love was guilty
love was everything
but she was blind

you asked with silence
"so now what"
and i said
nothing
you asked again
"its over?"
and i still said
nothing

you see its not that easy
and its not that fair
to run back and away
in the same breath
while still crazy
and madly
in love and well
i hate to admit it too
but what do i do
when its true
but unlike you
i can't be untrue
to you or myself

so to answer your
queries more explicitly
though silence is an answer too
but rather unclear
and i speak from experience
and i speak from my heart
and maybe that makes
me a fool of all sorts
and this write is a
foolish act of love too
but haven't i always
been an idiot of sorts
only for you

and so here i go
telling you that if
you are to ever see
our future
the one you dream of
or think about
much like me
and if you really
understand this part of
me

then will you vow
(i don't want a promise)
to never speak false
words that lie
and will you vow
to correct all that
which you lied about
or does it matter to you
so much more
and i could go on and on
but bitterness has been
put aside
for this write
so tell me
will you vow
to never ever walk away
the way you always have
telling me to lose all hope
and going off to a place
you know too far away
from me

will you commit
to gaining back
the trust you lost

and you see
this isn't a lot
this isn't unfair
and this
is
not
negotiable
or a negotiation

these are simple pacts
i've kept to myself
for you
but you lost track
of ones you gave
to me

there's not much time
for you to decide
i've asked for 3 things
and i won't wait long
darling
i'll soon disappear
into the darkness of the night
and the light of the day
and there will then be no way

but here's an answer
it isn't over everyday
and "is it over" shouldn't
be the first question
on our minds
ever
it wasn't on mine
so look up and look out

this really may be
the last time
because from here on
it'll all be silence

i've taken my time
and spoken
and i will not be broken
and from now on
my silence will reply to all
your questions

My love I promise you to give you my everything....my triumphs my failures (more failures than triumphs for now) my life my time my love everything....I promise to always be worthy of your trust and to support you and love you when we face our struggles and our tough times.
Since the day our paths crossed back in 2015.... you've loved me annoyed me frustrated me and challenged me in the best of ways and I promise to always love you and annoy you and even frustrate you and challenge you to be a better version of yourself
And.....
And I do not believe in a lot of things but today I wanna tell you some things I do believe in
I believe in sunrise and sunset
I believe in the rain and sunshine and I believe in beauty of life and nature
And I believe that all these things are so so so much better when you have someone to share them with and I want YOU Minha to be that person in my life and most of all I want ME to be that person in your life
And I swear there are 3 words stronger than I love you
And that is
I choose you
I choose you to love forever
I choose you to share my life
I choose you to grow old with
I choose you to have little babies with
And choose you give you my all
And my all may not be enough
And it may even be less and it may even be bad
But it's my all
My everything

I promise to try to give you my best
And to protect you from the winter cold and even the summer heat
And to love you in and out of bed
And I promise to get you the food of your choice
And the juices you want
And the drinks
And to give you my jacket in the cold

So please be my friend and be my lover

I love you Minha

MIND:

she won't fight for you
like you did
like you would
she won't sacrifice her months
or weeks
or days for that matter
to show you her love
she will disappear again
you're just her summer darling
and she'll leave you again
until the cold winds of winter arrive
and freeze her heart
and she'll ask you
to provide her warmth
and you'll be left to die
cold & frozen
she won't give you the love
you deserve
and happiness will still be
an imagination
that you will not be able to fathom
when next summer arrives
she'll be somewhere faraway
talking about her love of you
while giving you none
you'll trust her again
and she'll find new ways
to break it
and it will be worse than before
this isn't her first time
and surely it won't be her last
devils only change their skins
to ruin you in new ways

HEART:

But what if she has changed

what’s new now
will sometime also be old

will you then seek something new
again....
or come back to the old old

There were times I dreamt
sometimes of us
sometimes of you
other times you'd show me
all the dreams of us

Now you're a nightmare
that I see in days and
talk about to myself at night
while the stars shine
and the wind is still cold

I dreamt last night
of you sinning again
with a sinner who wasn't me
and maybe that sinner
wasn't anyone

But I was mad
and you weren't sorry
and I woke recklessly
thinking of all the hate
and the filth

All of what had consumed
my mind but not my heart
my heart still pure and hurt
but my mind all filled with disgust

love doesn't hurt
love didn't hurt
love doesn't break bones
or slit throats
love removed all your past pain
and gave me a life in you

so don't you dare blame
the one thing
that puts life into life itself
and makes a flower
feel like a garden
for your own shortcomings

the pain wasn't love
the pain was you taking love away
over and over again
for different reasons everytime
most of which didn't have anything
to do with love but were your own dilemmas

love didn't hurt nor ****
you did
forgetting that in order to keep love
one must love back with persistence
compromise & commit
those form a base for love to grow

perhaps I can do nothing
except wish that
one of the two didn't happen
either i never saw you
or you never left
all the times you did

Oh darling of mine

You make promises
you know you can't keep
and don't even realize that
promises aren't to be kept
they are to be fulfilled

Promises aren't to be kept
under your pillow or
under the warm sun's light
they aren't words mumbled
they are taken actions

You'd promise to never
betray nor leave me
when the clouds would roar
of troubles we faced
but I fought the clouds alone

You'd "step out" of my life
telling me to lose all hope
to ever have your love
telling me to die and ease
this world of agony

You'd "step out" of my life
and maybe you wouldn't walk into
someone else's life but didn't you
then walk with someone else to see
how a life without me was all about

Oh darling of mine

You make words seem
like kisses on the beach
when they'd all be thorns
growing out of your skin
not realizing that

Words don't need to soothe
they don't have to comfort
a dead soul in distress
words are supposed to rip a heart out
and stop it from beating lies

You'd talk about never
forging words nor corrupting
truths with lies that were made
ruthlessly of despise
and i saw that in your eyes

You'd say that
"I lied cuz..."
so baby don't you dare
lie over a lie and tell me
stories of how you'd never lie

You'd be writing writes
about the one with green eyes
telling me its all but fiction
with no one in your mind
surely that night i must've been blind

oh darling of mine*

you're hell's fire
that burns my heart
with hurt and desire

you've been a liar
for a time I did not inquire

now toss me once again and burn me alive in hell's fire

From all of this
From all of that
I want nothing from you
But just one more memory

One that I can hang on to
One that I can live off
One that I can cry about

One that helps me wait for you
One that helps me love you
One that helps me miss you

One where we talk
One where we share food
One where we just love

And that's it

Something that I can hang on to
For the rest of my life

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next 4 years

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next few month

But give me something
To hang on to
To miss you off of
To love you off of
To hope of us off
To survive

Because without you
I can merely be alive
And I'd rather just survive

I'm about to lose her
And I keep trying not to think about it
But that's all I think about
All day
All the time

Soon she'll be far gone
I won't know how she is
I won't know if she is ok
I won't know how she looks
I won't know if she's alive
I won't know how she's living
Heck
I won't even know where she's living

I won't know if she falls in love again
With someone that's not me
Someone more white
Or
Someone more black

Someone that's just not me

I don't know if she'll miss me
I don't know if she'll wish to be back
I don't know if she'll ever want to call me

I won't know what time it'll be
When it's 4 in the a.m for me
When I'm still awake
Scrolling through the pictures on my phone
Scrolling through the poetry that she once wrote
2 and a half years ago for me
And then
For us
But now
She probably will write again
But I won't ever know
Who it's for
Or
What it's for

God forbid if she writes to me
I may not be able to handle it cuz it's gonna hurt and I know it
It's worse than I think
Worse than she can imagine

Cuz
We're still in love
Mad love
Crazy love
Stupid love

But love nonetheless less

But I will know

How much it hurts
And
That
I still will love her always
And
That
She wasn't just the first
She was my last too

Oh **** it hurts
Oh **** I love her

Is this what it has come to
You and me....us
Now you label me a "previous"

You see baby the thing is
When there is a previous
There are doors open for a next

And although I am aware of you
I'm aware there can't be a next
It hurts to be thrown back

Thrown back into your past
All the way from forever infinity
To a petty "previous"

with blood-stained arms
ink-stained fingers
tear-stained face

my scarred skin asks
do you still
write for me

~
let us dance
like our hearts
on a beat

let us sing
like our souls
in a melody

let us love
like our bodies
set free
~

Sing Oh boy  Sing
The melody is sad
The pitch feels low
The tempo is down
And your heart beat's high

Sing Sing Sing
The birds are quiet
The waves silent
The wind is soft
Oh You are sound

Sing Sing Sing
The words beg you for life
The notes beg your emotion

Oh boy
Knit life out of voice
This dark night  begs
Sing Sing Sing

you'll find someone
but none like me
you'll try to find my love
and you'll look into his eyes
and only remember the way
I looked at you
with so much more than 'love'
with passion, desire & pride
you'll feel his heart beat in his chest
and maybe you'll feel safe
but you won't feel home
you'll long for the way
I kissed you
and how I never bored you
of life
and
of us
every time he calls your name
you'll hear my voice in the background
but you won't see me

you'll find men
ready to undress you
but how many will
put clothes back on your body
when they are done

you'll find men
who want to touch your skin
for their pleasure
but none will ever
want your soul

you'll find someone to love you
but honey
no one
NO ONE
N O  O N E
can love you half the way I did

you'll hear his heart beat
but you won't hear the two syllables
of your name engraved
in the rhythm of those beats
the way my heart's purpose
was to love you with
every breath of life

you'll put your head on his chest
but you won't hear your name
and darling
that's when you'll realize
what you've lost

Its raining baby outside
umbrellas wont help you
nor will your tears
surely not your fears

baby girl pack your bags
not more than a single memory
okay just maybe 2
flashlights baby get them too

the wind is mad
its fighting you
don't fight back
just hide yourself

The oceans are marching
with armies of wind
but nations of faith
stand up still

charge up baby
yourself and phones too
stay calm baby
God heard yours and mine too

crackers and cookies
keep them too
mummy and bubby
hug them too

Whistles and voices
Save them too
Keep speaking
Let me hear your noise

Storms may be loud
And oceans may be sound
But none can bring you down
For hope you prevail

This will all pass
I promise you that
like me and you
hurricanes die too

Not all puzzles are made
to be solved
not all
have a solution
some too easy
others too complicated

But jig-saws like her
you can't solve those
and you better not try
that is unless
you want to be
blamed
for the chaos you find
in each solution

Oh and the chaos in her voice
i was a boys who....
correction
i was the only boy
who found
peace in her chaos
and
love in that peace

Her voice was fire
blazing
burning
crackling
loud
clear
yet soft

That was when
the beauty of her noise
first rained on my dry heart
till
the time she walked away
her last words unclear
but her voice
still strikes me
days and nights

her voice
is blessing
still is for those who receive it
it's disappearance
a true curse it has proven to be

So there was a first time?
Did you lie?
Are you making this up?
Did you really love him?
Oh so just good moments you say
Hmm

Amnesia hit you too soon baby don't you think

You say you don't remember love
When love embraced you
With all your flaws
And called you perfect

You say you don't remember love
When love came to see you
At 12am in the morning
You were leaving love behind

You say you don't remember love
When love stayed up nights
And walked you through days
When you'd remember hurt

You say you don't remember love
When love was all you had
When everything else left you
To cut your wrists in the bathroom

You say you don't remember love
When love came
To free you off Xanax pills
When that was all you ate

Yes baby love hurt you
And love almost killed you
Yes love was good moments
and love was bad times too

Love even ****** up
But that's what love is
That's who love is
Accept it
Embrace it
Live it

And stop lying to yourself

Love was there always
Even when you blocked love out
Even when you sent love away
Even when you told love to leave

Love was there then
And
Love is here
Now

The second time you say ?
Oh really

Love was your first kiss
Love was your first love
Love was hugs and kisses
Love was letters and journals
Love was long nights and no days
Love was happiness and hurt
Love was breakfast and lunch
Love was donuts and cookies
Love was T-shirts and jeans

And don't you dare
Oh baby don't you dare
Don't you disrespect love
Because love was nothing like him

This isn't 2013
And love isn't him
It never was him
Or if it was then you lied

This is 2015
Now say I'm stuck in time
But I didn't do half of what he did
Not one fourth of what I could

This is 2017
And I won't do anything
And I can't
Because love still loves you

Love still loves the **** out of you
And you label love as toxic
Because love was mostly far away
But never too much
Love didn't always have arms
But love always had a heart
Love always saw your beauty

The second time you say?

Well ****
First kisses don't happen 2 times

Moments you say ?

Well ****
You can't relive them without love

Open your eyes baby
See love
For love loves you
And you love him too

one night
the other day

one dark
the other light

one cold
the other warm

.the sun & the moon fell in love.

they couldn't kiss
nor meet

they couldn't touch
nor speak

they peeked at each other
from a distance, so havoc won't wreak

they lived for a promise
that when life decides to compromise

.they too shall meet.

for the first time
and last

while stars conspire
and worlds collide

.they lived apart only to die together.

three years
and now apart
in this month of this year

praying & fasting
together for one another
I'd complete your missed

the month you left
and the month I came home
only to live a little more
with you

and that Eid that followed
the Eid that always followed
lets not talk about it
or how we matched our colors
except for when you wore yellow

the nights were always
longer than the days for me
but the days stretched
for you

lets **** the days waiting for dusk
lets **** the nights waiting for dawn

I first loved your naked soul
it wasn't about your body
it was just how your soul
made love to mine

and somewhere in time
i ****** up
and you ****** up too
and we can argue all day
about who ****** up more
who left who

but in the end
none of that matters
because i am not perfect
nor are you flawless
but few things i can etch on a stone

I've sipped away your tears
and kissed your scars
I've made love to your heart
long before i touched your body
I have been loyal to you
during your presence and in your absence too
I remain incapable of ever lying to you
I kept you warm when I myself was cold
I put down my guard when you needed someone to hit
I refuse to see a face not yours
Or touch a body that doesn't belong to your soul
I have loved you with my existence
I shared your worst nights
I accepted your worst thoughts
I never left you ever
In good time or bad
I stuck by you
And I continue to do so
Even while you are gone

You used to say
remind me of us when I forget

So baby remember
we are two unique souls
Who only fit in eachother
No thing and no one else
Can satisfy us but you and me
Together

You can hate me
Call me a coward
Or a cheat

But you know better
That I'm none of that
And you can't hate me

There's too much love between us
For either of us to hate each other
There are way too many chocolate boxes
And colourful envelops
And way too many kisses
To even try getting over
You're wearing my t-shirt as you read this
I hold the keychain which you marked with our love, as I write

So we can waste our time trying to hate
Trying so hard to fail this
But your heart belongs to me
And mine you've already taken with you

And yes
I hurt you
Like you hurt me
But you see
When you are extra careful
With a glass artifact
Much like you
Then sometimes you tip over
And the glass cracks a bit
But you break a bone saving it

I'm cold
And much like you
I also do not have anyone
To provide warmth and love
But unlike me
You can count on my soul
To leave behind traces of love
For you to gather
As you move ahead in time
And still remain 12 hours behind

you're sitting so far away
telling me this and that
and I don't know what's true
and what's not
new or old ?
is there really someone new
did you really do this to go and do that
because darling if what I hear
is really true
then home has its doors closed for you

you tell me not to fck with you
and believe what I already know
that in the end its always me & you
but I really don't know anything anymore
and you aren't helping with your
mixed vibes
I've always known for a fact
that its you & me when all this is over
because I know what it feels like
to have found your soulmate
but is all this "new" talk really true
or is it more of your poetic bullcrap

and trust me I'm into neither
but I'd rather have a bitter pill
of truth and death
than one of life and fantasy

all I'm saying is
I'm no 3rd and 5th choice
no half-assed promise
no sugar coated lie
and you know me
and you know what I'm saying
even when I'm not saying it
because I don't got a this or a that
for me
its either this or its that
so stop with your mixed vibes
and tell me what is it
new or old?
and is it really true