Seeds of doubt outgrow me
    whenever I can't hear my voice,
          the highest form of cruelty
              is playing chess without a choice

                                      A game of kings,no,game of war
                       the board is silent like the night
              but deep inside, inside our core
      we know, it's just our inner fight...

                          The pawns are down, in sacrifice
                        a game for kings and queens to win
                       and us, the pawns, are never blessed
                          we never lived, we've never been.

Moon at peace
I'd like to reach
your song
that has no words

Every time I miss her,
I suffer from a single thought
every time I kiss her -
she loves me,
she loves me not...

Travelled from a distance,
a single glance just to be cought,
for my precious mistress
she loves me,
she loves me not.

Questions like these warring -
for my sanity they fought
Her feelings never showing,
does she love me...
...she loves me, not.

It's hard being a rock
with a hard surface
rough around the edges
hard to lift
or
warm you up,
wish I was
a river instead.

The year
  I fear,
  the month
   still tears me
    the week
     is my weakness
      these days
       I'm listless
        and every hour
         I'm being devoured
          by every minute
           and second
            of hundredth
              sadness.

As far as I remember
I remember - I was three
wake up, blow the candles
that's my first memory.

Didn't like to go outside
stayed at home, watched TV.
Had a couple childhood friends
now I barely even see.

Kindergarten, met a guy
probably my first true friend
now that guy can go to hell
not that I believe in it.

Tasted domestic abuse
from my dad's first hand
slapped so hard, my nose bled
he never hit me again.

Lost my innocence at six
seeing a decapitated cat
felt disgusted, made me sick
could do nothing and just sat.

Then my brother grew up
and he called me fat and ugly
wanted me to be like him
so he hit me quite frequently.

Wanted me to be a man
but he always held back
atleast that's what he said,
hence the bruises that I had.

Started going to school
racism flew all around
tried to be a good boy,
I was spat on with a crowd.

Decided to **** myself
at the early age of ten
knew that others had it worse,
but that added to the pain.

Had a couple childhood idols
I was even a fanatic,
but they made for some good times
and they weren't so traumatic.

Had a couple of close friends
that I still talk to this date,
but we don't meet up so often
as we used to, back in the day.

Middle school, had to move
said goodbye to all my friends
and the shock made me confused
with the chills that it still sends.

And my brother reached his peak
we would get in constant fights
in which I would always lose
so I cried alone at nights.

But I had my first crush
it was good, for a while.
Then I had to move again
to the highschool living style.

My brother graduated
and my parents went back home.
I was left with my grandparents,
but was mostly all alone.

In a cozy, rainy day
I decided to lose weight,
and have kept my promise since
never broke it like a saint.

Maybe that made me the man
that my brother always wanted,
though I don't care either way
it was my wish that I granted.

Found some interesting new hobbies
one of them was surely writing.
Through the sorrow and the pain
I looked up and kept on fighting.

Had to break my heart three times
just to put it in the freezer.
But it feels that even that
was a short glimpse of the teaser.

To be clear, I'll never want
anybody's empathy.
I walk the path that I have chosen
to a strong and better me.

And that's just the way it  goes
life, with all it's ups and downs.
This here was my life story,
up until now...

Show me your petals
I want you to bloom,
your eyes shine like medals
when I'm close to you.

Sickened of crows
perching above,
your body's my drug
that got me in love.

So show me your petals
in the endeavor,
so I can wait here
and watch you forever.

I wonder why so many
people nowadays
seem so out of place
with their merry smiles.

"It's that time of the year again!"
somebody nearby yells,
and bells rang by the stale street.
It's that time of the year, again...

A silver spiral leaves my mouth
spit hits the concrete ground
two greys now form a bound
abusive and it sticks.

The same old slogans, with
the same old tunes
greet me on my way,
it's that time of the day
filled with cheerful faces
and lovely couples.

Almost home, my eyes gazed
the blinding globes on every house
colorful light shows around the street
shrouded by smoke from every fireplace.

All that went to waste
when my feet stepped
through the depths
of my cage,
and the world was painted grey.

Many decorations passed my sight
outside, when I roamed tamed
I'll decorate my wall as well
with myself, hanging down
beside the dimming light.

But the world smiled to me today
and I turned my back
the world smiled to me today
I'll smile back...

And with my silent, final frown
my barely opened, smiling mouth
drops two drops on the ground
one red
one grey
forever bound.

It's not an abyss, a hole,
pure dark, the fall, a place where end meets all, the pit
it's just a small circle, a single point - a dot.

I bite off rotten apples
just to have a taste,
of all the the waste
shoved down my throat.

As obscurity prevails,
and the dark moon sets
the tone,
while the shadow still
entrails
with the nightmare in
my home.

A simple, even childish
fear,
slowly, but surely on
the trace
dimming the light as it
nears,
chuckles as it sees my
face.

With a grasp, long as
the night
and a mouth lusting for
blood,
grabs, expecting little
fight
growls, as a monster should.

A nightmare! I'm shocked!
It's been too long...
I haven't had these in
a while...
And as my head rests -
the same old song,
a music box with sounds
too vile.

Behind dropped curtains roads lay
where automobiles ride
and day and night they pass by,
but a blind man I am,
sound only pierces through
into a graveyard
grey fills my room.

I crawl alone between
the guts that spawned me once
what wondrous sights twist
turn behind          lungs hollow
screech and swallow fingernails
burst
open chests, crimson lakes flow
heads follow, rolling on train rails
small creatures, critters, in litter jitter,
buzzing in my ears-
what's this? The sudden plague appears,
Rats! **** them as they near. I yell:
'Oh mother, please, push me through the womb! - succumbed, I numb my senses.

Many men came to this land to test the faith that guides their hand,
their holy father stands high above
straps our merry troupe onto wood chairs.
Three days and nights, yet still they stand
fluids mix under their seats - the smell of sweet release and a finale closes
flies flock outwards all eyes above.

Drums beat again, retreat - absurd.
War roars, clashing steel and swords.
On top - the mountain cries, run, run
it warns, run red - ground to dirt;
amidst the battlefield
a mouse -
hidden with the dead, observe.
He raises            cautiously           slowly
'Halt!'
'Where are you headed rat?'.
Chased on the rocks, no way, no saviour awaits.
A sting then hit - the stink of **** but faded, persuaded by horrific dread..
it picked a rock and smashed his chasers'
head.
Rattle, rattle little bones, pieces of mind cover the boulder, one by one drop-
drip on the shocked grimace.

Menacing nether realms corrupt
bend, curve physical matter
through all the pain, disguist and guts
shattered be the particles, atoms
left inside a whole black cylinder
to be transported in another universe as dust.

Worried blinking disrupts the dream,
smell of lavender flows in gust
yet still I am
strapped,
in this greyish land
awaiting tempting doom.

What would you do
if you had an eternity
to do whatever you wish?
Would you, read every book
for knowledge and truth
to capture the essence of life?
Or maybe you'd paint
swirling your brush silently
on the grandest of frames
beyond the walls of time.
Sadly, it all ends.
Every word written,
every stroke made
every stone carved
wash away like the sand in the ocean,
within the ashes of the infinite cosmos.
It costs us many tiresome hours and allnighters
for the smallest cause - fulfilling our dreams, small and grand.
Funny, how everything ends.
No one lays in a bed of roses
in their final moments, in fact
time keeps moving forward
and actions don't make the reality bend.
Reproduction seems pointless for everything we bestow
upon the future generations is gone with the wind tomorrow.
Is it all pointless?
No matter the struggle of our soul to get noticed by somebody just for a second
in this abyss we call life, we ask ourselves - is it worth it?
Is it worth all the suffering,
just because we feel and feel just because we exist
repeating a cycle that's already sealed?
To answer the question before
what I would do if I had all the time in the universe
is try hard, until my bones were sore.
Naive - perhaps, considering all the previous words,
but maybe that's all we have.
Maybe trying and even failing
is the right thing to do
just to make something beautiful, because everything else hurts.
Maybe life isn't so cruel
and it's all a facade
created by sadness
and loneliness being it's fuel.
Either way, it's all I have
and I won't stop trying
for all the hours I've spent working
all the days I've wasted
in a sad week of crying
will all be for nought if I just quit.
Someday, I might also create something worth remembering,
but before that day, I'll try until I fit.

How did I end up here
in this gruesome clash,
threatened with a gun
by this human trash?

I don't know for sure
but for one I'm certain,
as the trigger pulls
down drops my curtain.

Back slams on the ground
now I'm left for dead,
blood spills from me
painting the concrete red.

As the pain numbs down
and my heartbeat slows,
all my lifelong dreams
leave my body cold.

****...is this the end?
Is this the end of me?
I wish someone was here
just to remember me...
and I wake up.

Indoors again in this summer day
the warmest of winds violently blows
and peaceful memories, remind me of May
painting the image
of ashes and snow.

Ashes and snow,
the Spring was my Fall,
bullet shaped snowflakes
shoot through my view,
and splatter my heart
staining the wall
leaving a messege -
"I'll always love you..."

Round and gorgeous
eyes,
dancing on the snow
blazing in disguise
freezing for the show.

Careless in their
work,
cautious in their game
silently, they lurk
loudly, they would blame.

Yellow, even red
dancing with no shame,
round and gorgeous
eyes,
cautious in their game.

Apprehensive cyan breaths split
apart
the fallen bodies, extinguished flames,
stolen landscapes drawn in dreams
a sudden jump-start,
heartbeats flicker when he nears
and stop.

It's my pride
                        It's my cross
I hold to
                        to carry
it's my fruit
                          it's my loss
I see through
                                     to bury
with countless tries
                                     and, all-in-all
we fall to rise
                            we rise to fall

I don't mind
the pebble in my shoe
I don't mind
three words that lost their core
I don't mind
the hidden scars on my back
I don't mind anything
anymore.

Before I fall asleep
let's make it very clear,
the reason's not in you...
it's me you have to fear.

Before you read this letter
I'll hide it somewhere safe
away, it will be better
with lies I like to bathe...

Before you run away
and follow in their steps
I'll show you something dear
so come with me and let's...

Let's see what's hidden here
let's see, but you just can't
because it's pain and tears
with darkest of intents.

You now know everything
and don't you dare to frown,
because these feelings hurt
and all they do
is weigh me down...

He stands there in the trench
bullets flying overhead
shrapnel, shattered, lead poisoning
his chest.

Wounds unmended shine in
moonlight
day shifts into night
bleeding, pleading for the right
to stay alive.

Smell of dread and gunpowder
all around
present corpses replace past comrades
death, guts and dirt, splattered
sinking into the ground.

Yet he stands from the coffin
running like a rampant hound
with fury, glory, and a bang
a shot flew through the back of
his head.

The world's a battlefield
and he ended up on the wrong side
but stood, fought, and died
for what seemed right.

Soldiers are meant to carry
a burden on their shoulders
even if it's a boulder, the world,
or an ideal worth the cost.

And humans are defined by their
battles
even when they're lost.

These words that I combine
are always in a fuss
not always do they rhyme
but one of you is reading this
and I'm past the point
where
you could walk all over me.

Silently, my steps are creaking
in the dimming light at sight
and the dark is slowly speaking
from engravings in the night.

As to what are we, what do we
live for - for what to achieve?
Are we here to fight for freedom,
or to simply make believe?
Are we here to just be born
grow up, pass through puberty
grow old, poor and still unknowing
stating: "that's just life for me..."
"That's just life for me"-
a giant flash with all it's stakes
so live it like driving a car
and race through life without the brakes.
Pass everything: your friends, your kids,
your marriage, even those late night shifts.
Don't ever stop! Full speed ahead!
After all, life is the greatest of gifts...
Don't stop to think! You're number one!
The loser gets the second place!
And even so, as time goes on
these legs will reach the rusty brakes,
but they won't work, and in a flash
all life you had will skip your head.
Moments later - crash! The car then hits.
The race goes on, yet you lay dead.
Now you're a corpse inside a coffin
your body, like the wheel - it spins.
the race goes on, but in the end
the dirt is still the one who wins.

Silently, my steps are fading
far away from human sight
darkness falls on the engravings,
in this lonely, soulless night.

Just like a spell,
just like a breeze
your words will always
make me freeze...

Even when I
fall asleep
and with my thoughts
I dig too deep -
just like a spell,
just like a breeze
your words will always
make me freeze.

So when I'm all alone
and see no texts
pop on my phone
I know that you're still there - inside your head
where nothing leaves
the lair.

And I will always remember
the August, that felt like
December, because...
.. just like a spell,
just like a breeze
my heart was locked
away,
and someone stole
the keys.

Just plain and simple
a boring existence
persisting from day to day,
doing nothing nimble
without no resistence
like dust, I'll be swept away.

I'm sorry, can you play
for me?
My ears are ringing
now,
they're waiting for you
faithfully,
to soothe them with your
call.

The others never mattered
for you, I write
it all
and even when I'm
shattered
your warmth will be
my goal.

Because you taught me
everything,
you taught me how to
smile,
you freed my heart and
let it sing
to thank you for the
while...

So play again, play
for me
the remnant of your
soul
and I'll just listen
carefully,
the quiet piano.

Laughingly the fool is pouncing, dancing to his sound
making fun of everyone and everything around.

He must be so happy
look at his dumb smile
finding funny things that
seem so off and vile.

But he's not fooling me
I have seen his grin
thinning down into a frown
I've seen him, I've seen him...

Some nights I have even heard
strangely familiar cries
seems to me like something normal
and not a big surprise.

Silently the fool still laughs
in his final call
maybe that's just all he had
to show us after all.

It's been too long,
too long since I've felt
a thing
feelings seem to last
forever
so everlong, but fade
like a dream.

It's harsh out here,
summer seems to
never end,
yet snow is all that's in
my mind,
the fading fire -
my only friend.

A rainy sound,
softly - from outside
it came
it's summer, so I ask
myself
why does it always have
to rain?

It's been too long,
the time I've spent in this
lair,
so harsh out here, don't
you know?
So harsh, but you never
cared...

I hear notes again
time and time again, after every major event,
when will I truly learn?

A special oath
tick-tock
witten on note
tick-tock
it's twelve o'clock
tick-tock
the room is locked
tick-tock
a special letter
tick-tock
for someone holy
tick-tock
from something lowly
tick-tock
it's twelve o'clock
tick-tock
heavy breaths
tick-tock
my heartbeats race
tick-tock
but why does
silence
tick,
and violence
seems to
tock,
please make
it
tick
solid
crimson
morbid
streams
tock
growling
tight
gra­sp
tick
hanging
high
tock
above
tick
the hollow
tick
rope
tick
please
tick
tick

tick

t i c k





stop.

I tap the screen and watch a clock
tiny 0's and 1's
1 PM passed, tiny taps click from my pen
oh, how I wish it would go through
the ethmoid bone in my brain.

What's a heart?
Well, clearly an
*****
then again
also a daisy
a little frail,
a little pale
out of curiosity,
you pluck a petal-
and then you're gone.

Thrown into wildness
I was thrown into wildness...

Law of the jungle runs deep in ones veins
food chain topped by vicious prowlers
if blood keeps running cold
murderous minds grow more bold
predators take pride in their
hunter's prowess.

Thrown into wildness
I was thrown into wildness.

Where fights in the dead of night
and greedy hands with high demands
are everyday life
all part of ulterior motives
and rotten plans.

Where pretentious intentions
are the cost of survival
and no saints nor prophets
are offered revival.
It's hard to stay calm...

It's hard to stay calm
when wrath's laid on the tip
of your palms.
Gluttonous man eaters drool
in the depths of the concrete jungle
over lustful people
whilst maintaining an iron ******
rule.

Thrown into-

The sad reality of living day to day
and sloth's not tolerated
unless you've royal blood
survival instincts often tempt
a few to stray
their ways forgotten rest
beneath the murky mud.

In the end, envy runs errands
against the common folk
for in the jungle defenceless insects
have no place in the grander plan
or any rights to live humble.

It's a vicious cycle that takes
its toll
being thrown into modern wildness
and when the sun goes down
and follows darkness,
the world is then devoid from
kindness,
and humanity is swallowed whole.

The rain is tapping fast
fast onto the glass
yesterday is past
and dreams don't ever last.

I wake up nevertheless
yet something feels so strange
a warmth beside me rests
and there - a sleeping face.

I kiss its forehead lightly
as to not break the seal
laying my head again
pretending it's all real.

The rain, still tapping fast
fast onto the glass
yesterday is past
alas, dreams will never last.

I'm a wounded animal
dragging its fur across the ground,
through all my bloodsoaked battles
I wait to be put down.

Words come out
not at my will
sometimes they even fade
but when I catch
a feather once
my muse will guide the way.
So - inspire me!
Inspire me!
Inspire my free choice,
inspire me and I promise you,
I'll listen to your voice.
And even when
the light begins
to fade away and flee,
I know that if
I finish it
my work will stay,
with me.