I’ve been thinking about
death again
my oldest friend
and it almost feels serene
to think about it’s certainty.
Sometimes, I still feel like her
all chaos and fear
heart as my mind
What if I’m not getting any better?
Trying to hold it together,
I hold on too tight
and constrict all
that keeps me upright.
Existing on borrowed time,
scribbled arrows over my veins
to try and find
a safe place on the inside
Because I can’t remember the last time
I felt safe on the outside.

The last time I was falling,
each memory
a pinprick
Talk into me and fill me
with kind observation
watch them come
and go
untied or cut free,
either way it looks the same
Overfilled
sure to burst
Hold me down or
I might float away
Would you come float
away with me?

You had a friend
who worked on the CSX railway
and he told us about how
he killed someone once.
He knew it wasn’t his fault
But still, he was awfully calm
when he talked about it.
He told us he’d blow the horn
the next time he was riding by
the crossing behind the apartment
that I let you move into.

The tracks seem to follow me and
when I feel the rumbling in a different city
I half expect to hear the short tune of a horn
followed by your lighter flick in the living room.
It keeps me on my toes
and reminds me how
I can’t seem to move into a place
without ******* train tracks nearby.

While I stand in line to pick up my prozac,
the pharmacy’s preset radio
plays a cover version of a song
that I liked in high school.  
There was a time, amazingly,
when I was naïve to the comfort of prescriptions.
Floating through friends’ houses that were
too expensive to feel comfortable in,
gravel-speckled snow in mounds
mile-marking parking lots
while waiting for the 7:00 showing.
Teenage intimacy and
red bulls at a sweet sixteen,
trying to figure out the coolest way
to ask for a sip of the schnapps
that I know is hidden in that soda can,
parties I’m not sure I was invited to
and a 10:00 PM curfew.
Water pong with balled up aluminum foil
in a half-finished shed behind
his friend’s house in the dead of winter.
I wanted to feel like them,
incite my growth,
I know he was just trying to keep me clean.
He tried, but I got what I wanted.

When I hear sirens
I wonder if they’re carrying a lost soul
or on their way to save one.
Either way, they sound like December
with brown mush lining the streets
and they keep me missing Luna
even when I say
I’m doing fine
and everything happens for a reason
and every soul lost
has a greater purpose
that couldn’t be fulfilled on this earth.
But I still think about her
and wonder if the smoke hurt
or if she looked for me
or if she was already gone
by the time the firefighters broke in.
I wanted to give her all of my love
but I think she’d be okay with me
giving myself that love instead.

tv shows on mute,
mouths moving but making no assertions.
a silence that doesn’t satisfy
slipping over the air like margarine.
loneliness in stillness
The feeling before you cry
but no tears are produced,
like a dial tone
with no intention of an outgoing call.
serenity’s evil twin,
a vibrant color muted with white.
no longer deep or dark,
just with the volume turned down,
apathetically pastel.

If I never feel happy again.
If I get a case of the “**** its”
and follow that red glow all the way to my grave
(because it feels warm once in a while).
If I walk into a venue in my hometown
and smell the familiar scent of stale beer and regret.
If my mom passes away
suddenly or succumbing to the passage of time.

That I’ll never heal from how I was treated
and continue to treat myself the same over and over.
That I have to rely on jokes about my grandmother
to keep her memory alive
when she is not.

If I let myself down
again.

Prisms casted rainbows
that danced on the walls
from the mirrored doors my uncle installed
onto my bedroom closet.
Just like that,
the old brown wood was discarded
and, in its place,
a heavier, more durable barrier
between my private belongings
and the hellscape I was forced to inhabit outside of them.

More often than not,
they were a barricade between
what I didn’t want to hear
and the comfort of old dance costumes
and holiday dresses I’d outgrown
all lined up in a row,
soft robes to melt into after a bath
and my trusty, fuzzy pink earmuffs.
I paraded around the house in them,
as a symbol of the silence I desired
or a more obvious cry for help.

I remember when we went to Lake George and didn’t return
and how I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just go home.
I didn’t want to stay on vacation,
I wanted to sleep in my own bed.
I remember smashing my hands
against my ears
to keep out the shouting
and sitting awake in bed,
waiting to hear the garage door to go up,
because then I knew you’d be home
and you’d be safe, and we’d be safe
and we could all fall asleep in the same house,
whether my happily ever after
was based in reality
or a bedtime story I told myself every night
so that I could finally rest my eyes
in hopes that my mind would follow.

I’m being told to practice honesty,
so honestly,
getting sober kind of really *****
most of the time.
I take my medication every morning,
I go to my meetings at night.
I fill in the spaces with adjectives and nouns and bad reality tv.
I make my phone calls
and attend my appointments
and talk truthfully with the counselors
who have the same credentials as me.

But I float along on my “pink cloud”,
happy to not be bleeding out of my nose
or begging my racing heart
to please, calm down.
I feel things,
maybe less intensely than before
but in a real sort of way,
that isn’t filtered through
whatever I decided to numb myself with.
It’s not exciting, it’s not glamorous,
but I guess I’d rather live this way
than trudge through hell every day
and die a disappointment.

I just want to shut my ******* phone off and run away
to the farthest location I could dream up and feasibly travel to
maybe Canada
I heard Toronto is nice
from former friends and lovers
although, I know my seasonal affect would never forgive me for that.
But what a serendipitous chance to feel nothing -
wrapped in the numb, stagnant northern air,
the only escape from a perpetual hanging on by a fragile thread.

Wandering through the streets
partially sober and grasping at the fabric tethered to my jacket
which has just begun fraying slightly,
snipped, but not severed quite yet
clasping its fingers around that of her fraternal twin,
lacing knuckles -
gestures reserved for lovers and family
and held together by the promises we never keep.

Spinning out like Fibonacci
an equidistant and calculated spiral
but then it finally breaks
and the tension is relieved.

Sometimes, you gotta just sit
on the bathroom floor for a while.
Because,
that’s where you got ready for
sleepovers with the popular girls
and made “potions”
out of various lotions and shampoos;
tattooed your finger when you were 15,
started to give up on the world,
and started to believe in it again.

Those bumpy tiles beneath you,
leaving red imprints on your upper thighs,
they saw your manic impulses
and sluggish lows,
they saw your meltdowns
before dance class,
and your moments of privatized shame,
after knocking over a vase
at your own house party.

The walls have changed over the years,
the floors have been
tile and ceramic and hardwood,
but a bathroom is a bathroom -
your own personal echo chamber,
a makeshift confessional,
wherever and whenever it fits
to serve that purpose.

You feel like
a scratch-off lottery ticket
that I accidentally won;
received as a belated birthday gift,
or bought impulsively at a gas station near the thruway.
I don't think the powers that be
intended to send you to me
but lo and behold,
you’re the winner
that I’ve waited too long to discover.

It’s funny;
when I was a young girl
I used to make mental notes
of what I would take with me
if my house went up in flames.
I packed a “fire bag”
with all of my special belongings.
I rehearsed
how I would grab the family dog
and head for the nearest window,
meeting my parents
at the end of the driveway
by our plastic mailbox.

These plans evolved over time
changing with the folds of my body
different items, assorted exit strategies,
and I only laugh now
because when my childhood fears
came to fruition
I wasn’t even home
to save anything at all.

My memories flash in shades of amber
golden hour light
an infinite dusk
in moments of silence
but just as quickly
fade to the present
where I'm sick to my stomach
because I think I'm broken.
Something always feels so wrong
and I'm scared
of how this is going to end,
inevitably.
I try to not get too attached,
but a hundred miles away,
you can't see
the mess I am without you.

I know you're telling me the truth
when you say it's okay,
but I hope you still stay
when it's my fourth day in a row
without showering
and my third day stuck in bed
with two bloodshot eyes
and one brain cell left,
out of focus and underwhelming.
Another weekend ends
and you have to go home again.
Each time you leave, I pray
that you're not
leaving for good.

The guardrail
and every exit sign
pulls me farther away
from your mother’s house
as I watched the lightning
spiderweb across the sky,
roots growing through the clouds
illuminating the road ahead
for just a split second
but then a swift return
to the rain and gloom.

In my head,
I’m in your room
with the sun pouring through
the blinds and bushes
outside your window
projecting a slideshow of light
onto the walls surrounding us.
I’m warm and I think about
how I need to try
and make very specific
plans with you,
so that I know for certain
I’ll see you again
and at least
I can hold onto
the thought of that
at night.

Compulsive in the mirror
my sickening love affair,
the secret pact
crush and go
a 5k through my vessels
drag me out
skin stretched over
bones most conspicuous
up all night
and morning slips in
so quietly,
I don't even notice.

Roll me up and
breathe me in,
again and again
heart fluttering
listening through the hush
of a world I no longer inhabit
living amongst the stars
unless I'm crashing down.
How I wish I didn't
look back on you fondly,
but it's all I've ever wanted
until it's everything I don't.

I drowned you
like I drowned myself
in all the ***** I could find -
I feel sick when I remember how
I beat you down, thinking
thoughts I'd never thought I'd think
spitting blood into the sink,
it's all different now.
your "hi my name is" slapped on my shirt
peel it off but the residue remains
like your omnipotence
felt penetrating everything around me.

I wish I could quit you
like I quit smoking
I wish I could forget you
like you forgot me
I wish I could alter the ending
so it doesn't include the times I didn't say "no"
and all the nights you lost your sanity
on the mattress on your floor
or on a back porch filled with the haze
of cigarettes and empty conversation.

You tried to imagine me at my sweetest;
daisy hair dancing in the sunlight
on some endless day in July
eyes bright and exploding
with surf green laughter
All of this in slow motion,
All of this beautiful and feeling real
All of this while I'm pushing my palms against my eyes,
romanticizing your pain
tearing up inside because
I can't take anything back,
carrying this weight that I can't put down,
fighting off what is welling up inside me:
For what it's worth,
I'm sorry
and I can't keep writing about this feeling
anymore.

Time is the
unspoken promise
made to everyone,
swearing that
the future will be
ice cream on a summer day
(don't let it melt away)
but it's more of a
last-minute wedding gown,
uncertainly stitched
with the best intentions.
But love
is our desperate dance
until the end.

Crash into me
riding your waves
and washing up
next to you
for as much time
as we can squeeze in.
Let me sink my feet
into your sand,
my roots
into your earth,
my fingers
into your skin.

I got drunk with your ghost last night.
Our demons were in attendance,
and we played stupid games
like Edward 40-hands
and cheers to the governor.
We stuffed our faces
with your namesake and
I tripped over your shoes
and fell face-first into the concrete
that lines the bottom of your garage.
I put a nice ****
in my right knee,
just like our college days.
I watched the blood poor out
as they all laughed
at my clumsy tendencies.

But you cleaned me up
that oozing cut,
and you told me everyone around you
was a sham
and wouldn't care if you drove
yourself off the road
but what you didn't know
was that when I woke up
and you weren't there
I was screaming out
that I could have
done something.

Am I a strong woman?
if I weep every night
and sleep into the afternoon
because I can never seem
to get enough rest.

Am I a strong woman?
if I'm constantly
absorbing the traits of others
consuming myself
with who I am not.

Am I a strong woman?
if I don't know myself
as well as I should,
and more often feel lost
than found.

Am I the woman
that would make my mother proud
after she's spent half of her life
teaching me
and modeling
the one that I should be.

Am I a strong woman?
if I can't stand to be
alone with myself
with my thoughts
and let my insecurities win.

Am I a strong,
independent woman,
if I have to question it at all?

These days, my head tends to be
quiet.
Muted static,
silently glowing in the background
of the classic scene -
your father falling asleep
in his favorite armchair
just before the game goes into overtime.
Frankly, It's quite the contrast to
the usual occurrence
of somehow missing every word said
and blaming it on how loud
my thoughts can tend to be.

I see in shades of mauve,
taupe-colored glasses
dense, and probably
meaningless.
I take the form
of a bug on the wall
observing from the outside
and buzzing around the deepest parts
of my memory,
that even I
can only hope to recall someday
when I've decidedly
reached stability.

I felt the shift
in the innermost components of me.
Part of me thinking,
"finally"
Part of me repeating,
the old truth
that I hate any change -
with every cell in my vessels
and realizing with reluctance
that things will never revert
to what I'm used to.
So I guess all I have left
is to follow along, ebb and flow
with the currents around me
in hopes that every altered consolation
brings me closer to complete.

It hides in the spaces between
every adjective I spit out
like milk that’s gone bad,
patiently waiting
to lace its fingers around
the back of my neck
and pull me closer with
its newest allure
cigarette breath,
kiss me to death.

Nestled as a punchline,
after every minor inconvenience
like accidentally running out of gas
or driving past my old place
and knowing
someone else
lives there now.

Showing up
when least expected;
I find leftover bits of it,
stuck to me indefinitely,
like forgotten electrodes
glued to my body
I peel them off
one by one
but somehow
there’s always more.

Why does he get to be happy?
when he should be knee-deep
in regret and repenting
from calling me crazy
and lazy
and blaming any fault on me.

Why does she deserve what I built?
when all I got was a botched love
or something worse than that
compelling me
to feel as if
I don't deserve anything
still ringing true
from his distorted,
gnarled logic.

Why can't I have what they have?
I guess the joke's on me
once again
and I'm left being haunted
by flashes of him in the kitchen
rendering me
feeling all or nothing
overwhelmed or numb.

Why does he get to be happy?
and surely sleep soundly at night
next to her
and dream of the future
that I once dreamt of too,
pried loose
from my unsteady hands.

Sometimes I catch myself
wrapped up in the moments
when we were making up
my feet on your dash
going somewhere fast
all this frozen in my past -
the wind pounding through me
breathing in the warm air
always taking the scenic route.

I remember the small details
like your dimples
when a smile spread across your face
and the gap in your teeth
that I wished would stay.
You sang me to sleep
with that voice you hated
but it sounded like honey
to my ears, softly driving me
into your arms.

I've tried to erase
the memories of you
but that's just not something I can do
because every breeze of every season
smells like you
and everything we made each other do.
I know I was to blame
when you didn't feel the same,
and of course, I'm ashamed
of my past self
and maybe you are too.
But distance tricked us,
and I long for being a kid
slowly lowering my eyelids
as we drove past the power grids.

I saw a psychic
for the first time in my life;
it was horrifying.
She audibly observed
the tremendous pain in my eyes
and somehow picked out
the simultaneous emptiness and confusion
that I feel welled up inside of me.

She went on,
pinpointing my chaotic last four years,
me, struggling to find identity, and
looking for it in material possessions
and other people.
Telling me of my father's stubbornness,
and how that's not all I inherited from him.

I was scared;
because every word sputtered
exposed the innermost parts of me,
and spoke razor-sharp truths
to whatever it is that inhabits my core.
And she told me,
foreboding and omniscient,
I could overcome these troubles
if I find god again
and in that moment,
I felt that she might
be right.

But the worst piece of knowledge
she bestowed upon me,
was to stop looking for love;
instructing me to cease the search
that I've become accustomed to.
And I hate that
she's probably right.
And on the drive home from downstate
I prayed she wasn't,
because that would mean
even more years alone
with myself,
and I don't know
if I could endure it.

I'm retracing my steps
with a skeptical pen
and my tired feet
through our brief story,
to see where I started
to walk off the page.

I try to pinpoint
every smile that was half hearted
and every remark
that was unremarkable
before the pain in my feet
migrates to my head
and this pain in my chest
punctures my pride.

We had a petite love,
never quite blossoming
never quite growing
to it's full potential
and I'm the one stuck
wanting more time
and I keep wasting my own time
so I can't place blame,
but I'll let a little anger
sneak through
because it's warranted,
and because
it feels so ******* good.

The grass is greener on my side,
this time
and it's freshly mowed,
releasing its scent into the noses
of the kids running up and down the streets,
screaming their praises to the god of summer,
and begging for just a little bit more time.
Steam rising from the burning pavement,
the smell of cookouts
the warm air
springing life to the city around me.

Riding in my car with all the windows down
screaming along to Say Anything
and feeling alive with the glory of love.
All of this creeping up on me
surprising me with its inviting grin,
everything is funny now
because all of this
always leads me
straight back
to you.

I dig my toes into the cold dark dirt
thinking to myself these words
that could never encompass
the taste of the atmosphere around me,
finally wrapping itself in a flannel blanket.
I feel like a broken record
scratching at the same chorus,
trying adjectives to describe the way
today smells like better times,
but I'm determined
and I'll keep trying
to make these times even better.

You finally called me,
after four years.
You said it was the only number
you had ever committed to memory,
and you were wondering if it was still
connected to me on the other side.
As it rang in my unsteady palms,
I thought to myself about how
you probably still cuff your Levi's
so that they hang above your
black and white Janoski's,
and write songs about lovers,
cruising the streets
listening to our favorite band,
that I only fell in love with
after you left.

You talked just like you did back then,
gently and sweetly,
and I was scared
because I knew how you used to
pull me in and never let me go.
We spoke about our separate lives,
and you said you didn't write anymore,
and it turns out
you only knew one album
by that favorite band
all along.
You told me you were happy.

I think we stayed together
out of fear, because
it felt like home,
and who wants to be homeless?
So I guess I'm still in love
with the old you
the thought of you
the person I could vent to
and I compare everyone I meet
to the person you were
before your taillights escaped east
into the New England fog.

There's so much of me
to give away
and so much of me
you know nothing about.
I met you when I was broken
and was well aware
that I could lose myself in you.
I sat all night in your passenger seat
watching you slave away,
cleaning every inch of the blackest night,
with the darkness somehow
smelling sweeter than before
and swallowing us whole.

But I never once thought to fall asleep
because I think
I was too busy falling for you.
I was content just seeing
you hop in and out
of the driver's seat
Swimming deep in your atmosphere,
wishing your rough hands
were tracing my spine
instead of flicking switches
that were carrying us closer
and closer
to the daylight.

Sink your fingertips
deep into my chest
plucking at my heart strings
one by one,
writing a symphony
with my veins and arteries.
I wish I could write down
my words as the melody
to your saccharine lullabies
that rock me to sleep.
You could be my muse,
if I can be yours.

The breezes of spring
bellowing pitches from low to high
whipping through my tresses
that keep me warm inside,
giving movement to the rope swing out back.
A rotting apple nearby
(probably not ours)
and that bench in it's place with stories to tell,
where we spent sunsets
perched and burnt.
It all brings me back.

My eyes starting to water from smoke,
squinting through the hazy air
at the overcrowded couch - a war veteran
sitting proud in the center of the room,
holding up the unforgiving weight of teenage angst.
Visible scars,
a testament to its years served,
memories fixed with duct tape.
And I, sitting on the edge of a wooden dining room chair,
began to wonder how we all ended up in these places -
the couch, the youth,
the stains in the carpet,
the fly on the window sill
trapped between the panes,
unbothered and unnoticed.
I tipped my head back and ran my fingers
through my thinning hair,
closing my eyes to catch a glimpse
of tomorrow morning.

We were all younger
dumber
naïve
but the purest we would ever be.
Now I'm flying down 87
and I have to train my mind
not to wander without purpose
so I try to remind myself
that I've been back to those rooftops,
and I know
the air will never sink in as sweet
as when we were whole,
in years lost to the breezes of spring.

People around me communicate
in words and with fidgets
all of which I feel like
I don’t understand
and I want it all to be quiet.
I grow tired of this world around me.
It always finds ways to **** at my soul
like I owe it some kind of retribution.
I fall in love
and fall out just as quickly.

But I’m used to it –
Patience rubbed raw
from years of bad luck and disappointment
leaving me bruised and tired,
and always ready for the next bout of bad news.

I want to love you so bad,
but can I?
It’s been so long
and I’m not sure I remember how.
I know you’re tired,
showboat with all your
peddles and organs.
The years between us,
with your crooked smile from before-
when the air felt darker around me,
colored a deep shade
of midnight blue.

You’re so sweet,
sleeping in my passenger seat
and there’s makeup wiped on
my baseball cap
and I’m sore,
in so many ways.

I want peace for you,
every piece of you.
Close your heavy eyes and
peel off your layers.
Take a deep breath,
and take a sip from my
lip gloss-stained coffee cup
or sleep deeply instead
on the way
driving you home.

My words always move faster
than my fingers,
so there's usually
no way for me to describe
the feeling that rests
in the silence between songs
booming from your car stereo.
But I guess
I would call it:
empty.

The loneliest you can be
is when you're the only one
on the road
at two in the morning.
And so you scream to your songs
just to fill up the space
between you
and the rest of the world.

In the quiet moments
I think about all the things
I would have done
if I wasn't so scared,
and all the times
I did those things,
and it turned out
afterwards
I was still scared.

I don't want to die alone,
I truly don't.
Though I scoff at the human race
and use the only strength in my bones
for hatred and beg the world
to erase my every mistake -
deep down I crave the brush
of a finger on my cheek
and the blood rushing through my vessels
closest to the surface.

Hopelessly indebted to
the fleeting feeling of fluttering
the butter on a summer day,
and I bloom.
I guess I love love,
and I would take it like a drug,
I love love;
I just don't love the side effects.
If I'm thinner,
it's because I leave a piece of myself
with every person I meet,
with every place I set roots.
My love rivals the Coliseum,
larger than life and utterly broken.

So I'm always ask for two things:
someone(thing) and the billboard from god
that I can finally be done searching
and I don't have to feel so lonely
anymore.

You're always forging me,
to see how far I'll bend.
Hammering me down,
to see how low I can go.
Your heat dances close to me,
but I can't let everyone down.

Though you terrify me,
I would probably still let you cradle me
in your cast iron vice grip
and sing me to sleep,
like Louis
like Ella
crooning,
when I can't breathe.
You could reel me back in
with the promise of
creating something beautiful
and maybe not feeling so
empty and alone
all the time,
but I can't let everyone down.

Your atmosphere ***** at me
and I'm dragging my feet through your sludge,
plodding forward with my eyes cast down.
You know when my mind wanders
or when I'm filling my voids,
so you can sneak in through the cracks
and take your place in my subconscious,
but I can't let everyone down.

I try to remind myself
why your comfort isn't worth it;
like peaking out of my blinds
or chatting with insulation
(pushing me towards one last line)
or fearing the world outside
altogether.
I'm scared because I know
that you're the only thing
that has ever felt like home to me,
but I can't let everyone down.
I can't let everyone down.

I had a panic attack in an American Eagle dressing room recently.
As I sobbed quietly
and begged my racing heart
to please slow the **** down,
I listened to the chatter in the adjacent stalls;
other girls proclaiming their depression because
that top did not come in their size.
My mother stood
on the other side
of the locked door, suggesting
that I just
"stop."

While I struggled to catch my breath,
my mother went out to the floor,
feeling the need to tell the tale
of her poor daughter who lost everything
to the sales clerks and managerial staff.
They brought me water
and a cookie
and cleared out
the dressing room.
It's too bad that my demons didn't really give a ****
about their kind gestures.

Eventually, I was able to **** in air long enough
to call out to my mother and tell her
I needed to go home now, please.
I hid my face from the customers in the store
casting condemning looks in my direction.
I was ashamed, because I knew
everyone else knew
and I never want
people seeing me
like that.
But,
at least we got
a 50% discount.

I feel like I owe this to you,
even though I don't know your last name.
I don't know how you smile
when he tells you that you're beautiful,
and I don't know how you feel inside
when you're both laying in bed at night
after he takes what he doesn't deserve.
I don't know how you'll react
when you're finally honest with yourself
and realize that he is a prizefighter
and being with him is like a boxing match,
that you won't win without a struggle.
And every time the bell sounds
you'll be less and less equip to defend yourself
the longer you allow him
to keep ******* at
your sense of self.

So let me be your cutman,
wiping the sweat from your brow
and strongly suggesting you forfeit;
because eventually
his charisma and charm
will seem like a distant memory
and you'll forget
why you started this fight at all.
I guess I'm just trying to say
get out with your integrity intact,
while you still can,
and I hope
you never have to feel
the way I felt.

I hate the fact that
you ruined so many things for me.
Every album you played
while I drove you home
(which made me late for work)
while you showered
(to avoid apologizing)
while I was slowly waking up
(much earlier than preferred)
make up the soundtrack
to every awful thing you made me do.

I hate that when the air outside
feels like fall disguised as spring,
it smells like you laying beside me
bottoming out after a night of Jameson
and me still awake from the previous morning,
dialing the numbers to emergency responders.

I hate that black coffee and marb reds
taste like your mouth
and take me right back
to that bathroom where I hid,
waiting for you to fall asleep,
because you wouldn't let me
sleep in my own ******* bed.

I hate that
I probably still love you
after all you put me through.

Regret rides shotgun,
more often than not,
with this endlessly restless soul.
And impulsivity is the worst kind of backseat driver
while disappointment tilts it's seat back
and waits patiently
for my next big mistake.

I've been thinking a lot
about the past,
and retracing my steps
to find a younger version of myself,
basking in the uncertainty of the future -
with all the conviction of an attorney
delivering the closing statement
that will undoubtedly win the case.
Because
a younger me,
naïve and untouched,
knew something I don't
about what it means to be content.

So as I steer myself and my gripes,
into what looks like a ditch,
I'll wrap my fist around the hope
that's still somehow dangling
from my rearview mirror.

… for somewhere I've never been.
None of the places
I've used to store my ****
and myself
have ever made me feel anything
besides temporary warmth.
None of them have felt like
the relief that spring air brings
to my tired lungs
after a long, cold Upstate winter
when bitter turns sweet
and change is unexpectedly welcomed.

All these structures,
these secret keepers,
have never made me feel
like a dog in a field
or a child with a new toy
or the heavy sigh you let out
after another long day
of getting pushed around by the universe.

But before I die, I swear I'll find it -
a place where time is elusive
and I don't follow the clock
A place where the firing of synapses
aren't littered with cyclical logic
caring too much, or not at all
and every day is warm
like fresh laundry
and the sun shares its good graces
on the back of my neck
and this place will finally
earn the title "home".

For once, my head had nothing to say.
like a regular at a local pub,
if I ask for my "usual",
the result is my brain offering
a flood of it's cyclical thoughts
all clamoring to be heard at once.
But this time,
there was only silence.

It feels like I’m dreaming,
the atmosphere thinner than I remember,
while still trying to remind myself of reality
and I'm hoping to god
that the cliches concerning
the fleeting nature of life
maybe hold some kind of truth.

Every time there’s an upswing,
and my stomach hops up into my chest
because I’ve finally reached my pay-off,
something knocks me back
and clips chains that tether me to stability.
all the donations
all the condolences
all the "support"
don’t mean a ******* thing
if they don’t give me back my peace of mind -
and I'm scared that nothing ever will.

I always know when it's about to happen,
(an unfortunate foresight)
but I always neglect to prepare myself.
It's almost like
I look forward to the pain
because it gives me a scapegoat
for my persistant discontent.
Maybe I didn't love you,
I just need to be loved.
But either way,
I haven't been sleeping
and I'm struggling to find myself
outside the context
of someone else.

Today the high was sixty degrees
and I know what that means.
I feel foolish to have thought
that maybe this time
just maybe
it would leave me be,
and it almost did.
But I could feel it wash over me,
like a tidal wave of affliction
wrapping it's arms around me
rocking me to sleep
and reminding me how much
it feels like home.
It was building up inside of me,
bound to take over,
and now it's ready to explode.
This is the first you'll see of it,
and certainly not the last.
I hope to god
that you can handle
what it entails,
and I wonder how long
it will last this time.

There's this unspoken dichotomy
that exists in relationships
for those of us who struggle with their own minds.
And when I say dichotomy,
I mean there's absolutely no in-between
no third option
and no happy medium.
When you find someone who loves you,
and you love them equally as much,
this person will fall into one of two categories:
(because it can never be easy,
why the hell would it be easy?)

Category One -
they're mentally stable,
and you'll live in relative happiness,
but you'll never feel
like they truly knew you.
Or
Category Two -
They struggle just as much as you
and you'll always feel understood,
but you'll drag each other down
slowly but surely.

I don't know which is worse -
constantly living in fear
of scaring them away,
or learning to live in corresponding misery.
All I know is,
in the end,
everyone leaves,
so why wouldn't you?

Today is your father's funeral.
Part of me
feels guilty for not being there
even though I only met him once
and you spoke so poorly of your childhood.
The other part of me
screams about how you broke my spirit
and robbed me of 6 months
of this precious life.
I'll never forget
the feeling of complete loss of control
that you convinced me
was all my fault.
**** my empathic soul
and **** you
for making me believe
I wasn't worth the kind of love
that I have now.

I often think about the summer before I went away,
probably more than I should.
I was working that job I hated
and you were living in the house
that felt more like a home to me than mine ever did.

I think about all of the nights that my life felt like a classic teen movie,
with my eyes acting as the camera
and your lucid words writing the script in real-time.
Us and a few close friends sneaking onto a rooftop
in the town where we grew up and grew to love.
Laughing until our stomachs hurt
and yelling things at the unsuspecting people below.
Forgetting what time it was.
Forgetting that there was a whole world below us,
which we chose to escape for the night.
My heart was light, and it felt like floating.

Now friends are in different states,
becoming people I’ll never know.
The garbage can we used as a ladder
is no longer where we could always find it,
and the gate behind the bank,
which was almost always conveniently left open,
has been locked for years.

I remember how carefree I felt on those nights.
But I tend to idolize nostalgia,
whether the past was truly picture-perfect or not.
All I know is, I was lucky enough to have had those nights,
and the unwavering memories that they created.

I’m sorry I make us late for everything.

I’m sorry that my inability to make decisions frustrates you.
I'm sorry that I constantly seem distracted and detached,
and that I never have any good suggestions
or anything genuinely interesting to say.
I’m sorry that my irrational questions annoy you -
It’s just that I always get caught in these loops of anxiety
that I can’t possibly find a way out of,
let alone explain to you.
I get stuck,
like a broken record, playing the same part of a song
over and over.
My mind convinces me that you’re displeased.
I’m sorry I can’t look you in the eye,
because I know I must have done something wrong.
I’m sorry I withdraw and fall silent.
I’m sorry I consistently expect more, but continue to give less.

I’d like to call you a bookmark

because I want to think I can

remove you from my story at will.

But you’re more like a dog-eared page,

that remains creased 
long after it’s been remembered and unfolded.

When I flip through the pages

I’ll always catch my thumb on you

and try to find the lesson

you may or may not have taught me

about love

or myself.

But I’m pretty sure all you’ve left me with

is a deep, stinging paper cut

that makes me hesitant 
to ever pick up a book again.