Burn incense to block out the smell of death and self hate
 that lingers in your room
, as you sit up
 at 3am 
thinking too much
.
(your mind is
 never at rest)

Because the musky scent and stuffy atmosphere
, will breakdown your thinking pattern
 and leave you mellowed
 and able to sleep
 for a while…

I’ve been pulled
and pushed around
all my life

Like a rag doll 

And it has ended up

Where I am just
going with the wind

Push me away

Pull me back
close

Mess me around

I dont care anymore

I’ve gotten used to

Being used

Light candles
Burn incense
Listening to the rain
**** thinking about school
Numb your mind
for a while
Listen to your soul
For once

You’re drunk
And I don’t need this
Right now.
You can’t see it
Can you?
My hands
Trembling,
My voice
Cracking,
When I
Try to
Tell you
Not to
Touch me.

On the verge
Of tears,
You are
Deluded.

I can smell
The toxicity
Of the alcohol
In your breath
And I
Don’t recognise
Your eyes.
There’s something
Different,
About the way
You slur
Your words
And,
Loll your head
Against
My back
As I try
To push you
Away.

You don’t ******* get it,
That it kills me inside,
That a lot of nights I cannot sleep
Trauma
Paranoia
I worry till my bones ache
And I can’t feel my legs.

I don’t want you to think I’m crazy
I’d rather tell you
I’m fine
Then have to explain
That the screaming in my head
Is getting too much
And that really
It’s just me talking to myself
I guess I’m scared
In case the voices shout at me
For trying to ask for help

I’d rather tell you
I’m fine
Then have to explain
That the voices in my head
That tell me
I’m not good enough
That tell me I should **** myself
That you don’t really like me
That no one really cares
Are actually my own

I’d rather tell you I’m fine
Then have to say aloud
That the only thing on my mind
Is the hundreds of ways
I have planned to **** myself

Or that I want to
Cut my skin open
Just to feel something more
Than this numbness
In hope that i can
Set the demons free
Because they hide
In my bones
And run through my blood
In my veins
Deep beneath my skin

I am distant

I am
the cold wind
howling through
Bare trees

I am
a single
snowflake
falling
to the pavement
melting on impact

I am
the spitting
before the rain

I am nothing
except a warning
before the big storm

It is nothing
Because
I feel nothing
I mean nothing
To this lonely world

At 2am

When all I can see

Are blood stains

And tears

on my sheets

I think to myself

How I ever got into this mess

And I realise

I cannot remember

A time before 

This

Smoke too many cigarettes;
Turning your lungs black,
Filling your body with poison.
Sick to the stomach.
Thinking too much;
Not thinking enough.
It leaves you feeling
that little bit more,
As you fall to the floor,
Counting steps,
No feeling in my legs.

Knowing that you are
killing yourself.
Too tired to care.

The adrenaline gets you high,
Like a muffled buzzing noise
in your ears
And bleeding in your brain.

They tell me it's expensive suicide,
But I just want to feel alive
Have some substance
to my life.

To be able to feel
the wind in my hair,
And rain
pouring down my face.
Because at night
That's what is keeping me safe .

Bury me.
Six feet under.
Don’t cry when you come to visit.

Talk to me
(I’ll get lonely, with all these rotting souls surrounding me)

Plants will grow,
from my decaying body,
weaving through my bones.

Let them stay,
they have made friends
with my skeleton
And creaking soul.

Bright light in my eyes,

The suns heat
burning
through my skin.

It’s getting harder to breathe;

Stuffy air,

Filled with dust,

Loud music,

Screaming in my ears.

I can’t keep my eyes open

For long enough.

Hiding under blankets;

And coats,

I’m not sure where this is going,

But I know
I’m far away from home.

What is originality anymore?
The pop songs we listen to day in day out,
That are only updated remixes of
Songs that our parents
Already know every lyric to.


Is it the pranks we play on each other at school,
Poking holes in the top of water bottles,
So we don’t get caught when we try to catch our class mates.
Drowning them
In carbonated energy drinks.

Don’t think you’ll get away with it.
The teachers already know,
About flicking elastic bands at the backs of girls knees,
So they scream a little louder
And turn around to see
Boys smirking faces,
Because they have been there before.


Define originality.

Originality
. /əˌrɪdʒɪˈnalɪti/
noun
1. the ability to think independently and creatively.

•the quality of being novel or unusual


synonyms: inventiveness, creativeness, creativity, innovativeness, innovation, novelty, freshness, newness, imagination, break with tradition, resourcefulness, cleverness, daring, individuality, unusualness, unprecedentedness, uniqueness, distinctiveness
.

Is it smuggling ***** in water bottles,
Or sneaking down to the back garden
To have one last cigarette with your friends,
At 1am
On New Years
When you have had more to drink than your parents
Yet you are only 15.
Watering down whiskey from your parents liqueur cabinet
With apple juice.

Getting caught drunk
After being out with friends, Stumbling in at 2am
On Sunday morning.


Storming up to your room
After having a row with your parents.
Slamming the door,
Screaming at the floor,
Calling a friend,
And ******* about the people who brought you into this world.


Maybe
I’m not as good with words
Than I thought I was


O r i g i n a l i t y I s D e a d


Your parents Grandparents
Aunties and uncles
Have seen it all before
It’s a fact of growing up
And one day
You will too know
Exactly how it is

When I say I feel empty,

it's not the way I haven't eaten
in days
and vomited so much
my teeth are rotting.

It's not the loneliness,
when I am lying in bed alone
At 3am and all I hear are
The monsters in my head

It's not my parents fighting again,
Throwing glass at each other
In anger and rage
Right infront of their children.

It's my life.

My life has no substance,
I mean nothing to the world
Empty space
Wasted air.

I'm not sure how to fill this hole
But I'm trying to get better
I'm stepping out of old habits
Finding something new
To focus on
To fill the time
Day by day
As it passes right before your eyes.

I don’t want to sleep
There are too many noises
(Too many voices)


The tick 

Tick 

Ticking of the clock

And the silent buzz

Of street lamps

Outside my window


I can hear her breathing


Like the wind

Rushing through the trees

My heart beat

Pulsing in my chest

It gets harder to breathe

Take it slow

Count the seconds

My mind is so awake

But my eyelids

Are falling 
closed


And i am choking 



Inhaling

Smoke and demons

Exhaling

Carbon dioxide
And ash clouds

My hands are shaky
And my fingers

Are burning red

I feel an electric shock

Jolt through my body

Then entire numbness

Empty
I'm doing nothing
I don't have a hold on my life
There is no feeling
In my body
My mind
Everything is meaningless

Insignificant

Insignificance

Ghosts haunt this wreckage
That I call my home
My flesh and bones

My blood is bleeding black
Clammy, pastel violet skin
No smile on her face
A corpse
walking the earth

What is her worth?
She asks herself
everyday
No reply
Except from the voices
in her head
Convincing her
Death is the only salvation
she seeks

I'm still scared
That I'm going to **** myself
I still cannot take baths
With candle light

Burning incense
To clear my head
And the water's too hot
Numbing my body

Stuffy air
That makes my eyes water

Remembering that night

I cannot submerge my head
Underwater
In case I decide
I do not want to surface
again

I could take all the drugs in the world
get high as a kite
Trying to feel something
more than this

This nothingness
Goes deeper than
Beneath my skin
I am dead inside

I can’t feel
 anything
At all.

There is nothing,

My mind is blank.

Writing is getting hard,

My words just 

Feed into each other
Thereisnospacetomoveinthismess.

I can’t focus longer than

A couple minutes,

If that.
It’s like everything is a dream;

Now and again

I wake up

Into a blurred reality,

S lowly 
drifting away again

Into the nothingness.

I cannot make out what you are saying,

Scream at me;

I don’t understand.

Anger takes over me,

And a headache 
that hasn’t budged for days,

Suddenly rips out of me

Exploding into the air

Covering everything within 5meters;
With stardust

And gun powder.

(I can’t tell the difference)

You’re the only thing 
that could make me feel

A little more alive

At the moment,

But I can’t even 
get close enough 

To your face,

Without shaking 

And then collapsing

To the floor.

I’ll smoke cigarettes

And get drunk;

Just to be able

To hear you whisper

In my ear

And to block out 

The muffled voices 
in my mind.

Admire the stars
Look up into the galaxies
The sky goes on for miles
Thousands of solar systems
Waiting to be explored
The stars twinkle lightyears away
Domed above our existence
Watching us as we sleep
Calming and peaceful
It holds us tightly in our atmosphere

I DONT WANT PEOPLE
TO THINK
THEY HAVE TO
DEAL WITH ME
JUST BECAUSE
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
I UNDERSTAND
YOU WANT TO HELP
BUT YOU ******* CANT
AND THATS ALRIGHT.


I CANNOT HELP FEELING LIKE THIS.

DO NOT FEEL USELESS
WHEN I AM;
BREAKING DOWN
AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS
‘Its going to be okay’
BECAUSE THATS ALL
YOU CAN DO,
ENCOURAGING WORDS
ARE ENOUGH;
YOU ARE TRYING
TO HELP.

I DONT WANT
TO BE YOUR PROBLEM
IM NOT ANYONES PROBLEM
BUT MY OWN
.
I DONT WANT PEOPLE
TO FEEL
WORTHLESS
JUST BECAUSE;
THE CHEMICALS
IN MY BRAIN,
ARE NOT RIGHT;
OR IM JUST HAVING
A BAD DAY,
AND I NEED SOMETHING
TO TAKE MY MIND
OFF THINGS.
SOMETHING TO EASE
THE FEELING.


DONT SAY SORRY
THAT YOU CANNOT FIX ME;
AS YOU WATCH ME
INHALE CIGARETTE SMOKE,
FILLING MY LUNGS
WITH POISON THAT
NUMBS MY BRAIN
FOR A WHILE.

IM SORRY
IM SO COMPLICATED,
IM SORRY IM NOT OKAY

(I’m sorry I’m shouting)

BUT THIS IS HOW
MY MIND SOUNDS,
ALL THE TIME
AND
I CANNOT FIND QUIET;
EVEN IN THE DARK CORNERS
THE CRACKS OF MY SKULL
AND THE CREVICES
OF MY BRAIN

Its one of those nights
the sickening ache in my stomach won’t leave
everything is so loud i cannot hear peoples speech,
just the screams of the voices so tightly compact in my head.
They are bottled up inside yearning to get out.

I’ve been thinking too much of you

telling my self to stop saying sorry under my breath.
As if you could hear me.

My hands shake
I dropped the glass of water
it smashes to the kitchen floor
glass and liquid
scattered across the room
my blood smeared across the laminate flooring as i try to clean up my mess.
Nothing ever seems to go right for me
I cannot even keep myself alive

I wish I was the kind of person

That could write as beautifully

As the midnight sky

Or your eyes

Some days
I have so many ideas
I can write
and write

Till my pen runs out

Or my arm gets tired

Or I run out of paper

And start to write in books
I’ve read

Too many times

Then there are days when,

my mind is full

But there are no ideas.

No motivation

Just loud voices,

A mess of thoughts

Most of them aren’t even my own

(Maybe I shouldn’t say that

Someone might think I’m crazy)

Just because someone’s mind is

Thought ridden

Doesn’t mean they will turn it

Into art

I think if they did

Someone might get hurt

Writing

It’s dangerous

Not just to an author

But also to everyone else
around them

I miss touch, I miss love,
I miss the softness; skin on skin bones intertwined like an ancient oak trees roots who have been married so long they will never find their way out of the labyrinth


I am scared that is me

I am scared of the labyrinth 

A maze of corners, sneers and turns.

Is it is, I'm chasing you
Again

And I thought you loved me like that, we could all see it coming

I’m sorry I’m so bitter, I honestly want you to be happy, but I sit here and listen to you while on the other side I’m sobbing.
No

Not at your words but the fact that they weren’t coming out your mouth the night you ****** her

The night you fell out of love with me


Like people say, for the same reasons


This is why no one could love me

**** I’m sorry, this started out so simple
 Just my thoughts on a page, but now it is a mess of people’s minds, people’s emotions

I miss touch, I miss love, I miss the softness; skin on skin. Bones broken.

You write so beautifully
In the dead of night;
03;47am
Most people are asleep,
Their minds at a rest.

But you;
You are a wild fire,
Your thoughts are fireworks
exploding through your veins.
Every idea that comes to mind,
Becomes art;
Scribbled on a page,
Desperate to form
In the real world.


Thinking is a necessity,
Without it we would go mad.

I cannot
I can’t feel

At all.

There is nothing,

My mind is blank.

Writing is getting hard,

My words just

Feed into each other,

Therearenospacestomoveinthismess

I can’t focus longer than

A couple minutes,

If that,

It’s like everything is a dream;

Now and again

I wake up

Into reality,

Then slowly

Drift away

Into the nothingness.

I cannot make out
what you are saying,

Scream at me;

I don’t understand.

Anger takes over me,

And a headache 

That hasn’t budged for days,

Suddenly rips out of me

Exploding into the air

Covering everything within 5meters;

With stardust

And gun powder.

(I can’t tell the difference)

You’re the only thing

That makes me feel

A little more alive

At the moment,

But I can’t even 

Get close enough 

To your face,

Without shaking

And then collapsing

To the floor.

I’ll smoke cigarettes

And get drunk;

Just to be able

To hear the whispers

In my ear

And to block out 
the
muffled voices

in my mind.

This morning I woke up
03:27am;
Outside it had been raining
The leaves on the trees were still wet
I was cold.
The window was open and
A gust of wind
Blows through into my bedroom,

I had had a restless night.

Kicked the covers
half on to the floor but,
My pillow
I held onto tightly;
Not under my head
But in my arms.

I dreamt about you
again,
I can’t get you out of my head.

My mind is so loud;
The voices shout and scream,
They never leave me alone;
Wanting my attention
Every waking moment
Grabbing me by the throat,
Stopping my breathing.
I cannot speak
Only a hoarse whisper
Proceeds,
their hold is too tight
To break free.