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Axion Prelude Jul 2014
have you ever known what its like
to see a tortured heart try to embrace a broken one?
its a beautiful tragedy of sorts
a non uniform symmetry
breaking all the rules abound
by horizon lines that speak of a better tomorrow

but the sun just wont set alone
not of all the things that had been
even though a misery defeats purpose
in believing there can be anything more than pain

but i wouldnt settle for less than saying
everything on my empty mind
because its meant to be remembered
remembered by you

and have you ever felt what its like
to be waiting patiently for something that never could be
at least, to you, you think it isnt even true
but i have seen who you are
and i can not waste another breath faking
that everything you had and didnt have anymore
could be the last step amongst a shallow pool of fate

but i still doubt
i still wonder
i still question
i still see behind your jaded eyes
they speak things to me you dont mean to really say
and all of this i know just feels right where it is
right in knowing not to take it all seriously
and to drift away above the crashing waves
we both feel we're sinking in

even though we're drowning together
its for two complete different reasons
even though we're pretending
we pass notes to each other beneath the table
and i am the only one who has thrown it all out there
but i couldn't be more alive

knowing you and who you want to be
and all the things you wanted to stay right
i can safely say that it was never meant for me, too

but you
you sing to me
and all i wanna do is sing to you
Axion Prelude Jul 2014
intentions skewed; blistering fate resides in reality
never too late, never too late, never too late
eschewed response, your bitter call
just as usual, just as usual, just as usual

am i of a higher morality or just another facade?
you decide, you decide, you decide
you always ******* decide

it's all about the wrong when the right feels so heartless
to sing a song of injustice is just as hallowed be thy names
weaker, weaker, weaker sins fade
as the line between good and bad; right and wrong
it all subsides to echos of yesterday

the dawn turns redder with lust everyday
and none seem quicker to succeed than those who fall blind
privileges bound to soft mutters of infringement and dignity lost to the fire
ashes, ashes, we all fall down
Axion Prelude Jul 2014
Perpetuity stifled in motion
Horizon beseeched
Lost in deceit
Engulf effervescent emotion
Drown in ignorance
Love misconstrued
The heart’s elude reality, together
Echoing fate, beating twice
Two souls ignited
Flames burn apart
So close
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
on sacred shores, the patient await their answer. sometimes, that answer never comes.

and as we sit and wait, listening to the cool gentle breeze caressing our face, we like to think and hope that soft touch is the call we've wanted. the aching change in heart, the sound of destiny calling. we hope that once in our life, the emptiness of the room is the sound of the voices we wish and hope will call out our name.

sometimes, we know it's too late or it's too much that we're asking, but still we sit patiently, chanting songs of passionate desolation, hoping our sounds will be heard through these glass walls. fervently, we await, watching as fate passes us by, wondering what we did wrong or what we could have done to save ourselves the grief of never knowing true happiness. the faithless are always content with observing.

when the heart wishes for what's right, the weight of the world seems like nothing for the cost of romantic freedom. desperation lies cold and dead when the soul knows where it needs to go, intent on compromising naivety, showing spite for all things mediocre.

outside, the light shines bright, but inside it is always dark; and we seek warmth, forever. we await in anxiousness for the time we can feel that warmth once more. it is time to move forward.

privileged paranoia respites the remedy for cause and effect - no more
Axion Prelude May 2015
I feel like sleeping
I feel like sleep; tired and sick
bemoaning conversations, groans turned into rants
screaming sycophantic nuances like flies stuck to ****
gone on counting, willing things to be out of sheer desperation

I cant recall when last I fell to the ground alone
dissonance comes and goes like fire slows the defying cold shoulders
but frost burn still hurts immensely
negligence desensitizing everything I touch

if dreams are the last escape from what is real
then what is real anymore?
when I close my eyes its all the same
tears still soak the pillow when I am the only mistake

irrelevancy is all there is anymore
I feel like sleeping
but when I get there, I hope I never awake
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
hand in hand, the mind soars effortlessly
apart, the heart wilts with questions unanswered

and i merely seek for us to bloom, together
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
candid malice, besieging
drained by lucrative ignorance
frustration staining teared windows
the hole leaks with pure essence
once where the heart stood, emptiness retains resolve
desolation sets in
she calls, in the mind..
passion begets strife
i walk on
Axion Prelude Aug 2018
I'll seek refuge in places that don't hold my name to be true, and even in emptiness I remain wrought through heavy handed tones of antipathy

Echoes of resolute desire plea with somber empathy, but remain indefinitely beyond the horizon of which I can not seek - and I shall remain waiting for something that has yet to come, for good it seems..

It rings barren any semblance of genuineness, the shadows I fall under; in plighted qualms, through quarreled teeth; without strength to hold my own, my very soul becomes the ground with which they walk

Desolation is the staunch friend from which I may not doubt will never be there in my time of need; and what I truly need, I fear, will never set foot upon my gaze

Like a sullen rose barred behind a glass wall, bereft of life giving nutrients and slowly wilting away one pedal at a time: I'll solemnly gaze upon the last glimmer of hope what was once profound and pure, now gripped with agony, and sin; decaying, alone, forever out of reach with only my eyes and heart to embrace it, yet never once again know what it may feel like to hold close with my own flesh

I am surrounded by an unspoken emptiness; an infinite abyss in every direction, except forward - and to each footstep I hear an echo of its past, one more inch beyond itself and gone before the last moments incur what hollow life is left within

Each passing moment brings me further to the edge of the unknown, this hope that's guided me for this long has burned like an eternal candle, now wisping what light is left to bear before me

One step more, and into the embracing darkness I will fall unto

The cries of war are beginning to recess; the battle has ceased, and I am still without a place to call home
I am utterly exhausted, in heart, mind, and soul
Axion Prelude Mar 2019
I had a dream, I saw you there
You reached for me
I reached back

Your skin was cold as ice
Scared, you told me to awake
I opened my heart

I had awoken, but you weren't there
The dream is what kept me alive
I had a dream..
Be honest with people. Don't hide anything. Don't lead on, don't contrive meaning or intent.

Hearts break, emotions shut down; listless fortune settles into the crevices where once resided compassion, dreams, and hope for something good.

I am ashamed of how often I come to this place inside. It's a home, it's a prison; it never changes.

I trust too easily.
Axion Prelude Aug 2014
I'm looking for something real (with you), but not expecting a single thing. Just hoping that in return someday the feelings can be the same. Yet in between now and then, hope slides away, hides away in a place where no shame is born in here; unafraid to make the right choices and to say all the things I mean to say to you and only you.

It all holds meaning beyond what is said, much further than face value, coming straight from within my own head and deep within my being. Dignity and pride suffice to say the least of what my heart truly sings for you. In rapture, torn between waiting to see where this all goes and finding peace in knowing you're here at all sends me stumbling through the feelings, engulfed in a torrent of know how, deciding; always concluding that the truth is the only key to happiness, even yours. So that's all I ever give you.

and truth be told: just knowing you're in my life at all makes me the happiest man alive, but I would wait forever just to find out whether you'd ever choose to be happy with me as an 'us' - me and you.
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
go ahead and take my voice for truth
lighthearted fantasies of what could be
scathe or vision with the empty touch of honesty
reaching out through emotion and words alone
never feeling so much of what we'd like to know is wanted

impossible to deny the interpretation
raw with passionate dissonance
and it is sought without moving
stagnant with patience
a belief that something more awaits if taken, the leap

and we speak in the night together, alone
we seek each other out time and time again
but logic has no home here
mired with a false fate but never empty with hope
something we see inside ourselves and each other
agonizing lust and passion creeping through the cold
trying to find a fire for the spark to ignite every intention
and the heart chokes on the meanings of it all

instead we settle to constantly move together
seething motivation through desire
the fear of regret thick in the blood
the heart pumps harder, quicker, hotter
treading on, constantly seeking, hearing, knowing

coloring empty pages of a book neither of us have read
with a sincerity we have no privilege to own yet
and our conversations flow like a stream of heart and mind
carrying us further past the point of no return

the waterfall echoing in the distance with raw reality
exuded from nowhere we expect to see ourselves
but the aching desire to embrace it all rocks me to the core
and I am ready to drown in it all
just to know exactly the meaning behind every word we share
Axion Prelude Aug 2017
a faint sway grasps my body
the wind haunts me with staunch whispers of defeat
the vision i seek, blinded by the blank slate of minute crevasses
aching, wretched, withered, and old
the creaking splinters of a wooden door
black and acrid with a stench which feels so familiar
this scent i've come to know only as home

my body rocks to and fro, so close yet so far
every second never knowing which direction i'll fall
stuck in a personal purgatory, questioning what's behind
lost between what i dream of the life i want
and what in life i seek would merely only ever be dreams
i sink beneath the doubt of it all, it envelopes me like a blanket
but i remain so cold
tired, lost, desolate, worried

nostalgia is all that keeps me bound to this place
my head gently banging on the passage ahead
and i know, if i step through, i will fall
it's all that's left between me and the cliff beyond
i tremble with fear in thinking
when i find the key, would i creak a lonely smile?

i find no peace elsewhere
i hold no secrets here
i find no place that cares
i hold no value in anything without fear

my last true freedom is release
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
you are the reason and I am the cause
together existing as a single tangible flaw
staring down fate with our hearts entwined
a bitter feud of passionate irrationality showing all the signs
adorned with a conscious need to seek more with time

no time left, the clock strikes midnight
and we go, we go; we keep going on
bringing our hands closer to what we want
pushing through unto dawn with this plight

solidarity benefits the purpose of why
separating all the words between meanings aligned
defining reason alone with blank canvas minds
ready and willing to satiate this place in space and time
decimating indecision with open eyes

combined efforts sought through curiosity
the blank pages wired down with what we know
but what we want has forsaken us without a means to write it all down
carried away with doubt and fear of being burned from the bright sun
still whispering lullabies that help us both stay in the fight

this helpless inspiration is determined by the stronger voice
I wont rest until I reverberate every breath of ours by choice
solemn hours of sleepless nights breaking the lines
between life and love and a scarred heart desperate to redefine
shores lie dormant, ready to drown us under its persistence

every provocation and implication suffers from empty lies
deceiving ourselves, trying to forget the lifetime of pain
deliverance lost in the darkness, seeking to make things right
and I just want to be the one to show you the light
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
stifle quaint bitterness
superfluous objectivity
scant faces run dire with shame
anger, drilling deeper
resonance in faith; signs of release

chain the lion
thoughts faded into mystery
anesthetize burning eyes with compassion
locked in fate, mired with doubt
seethe life, breathe free

imprisonment forgotten
heart set free
dark sunset, rising grey with deceit
stolen mind, contemplative

foreign feelings
lost to hatred
found again
speak, child
share my heart with all the hurt
suffer no more

found shame
shared destiny
healing, hand in hand
provincial blessing in disguise
amend soiled plight with bold tongues
true words echoing hope

two, lost
both found
dead inside, no more
found home, heart to heart
dream with sleepless nights
awake, together

Axion Prelude Aug 2018
Genuinely feeling hope for something good, and being lead by false hope to believe a lie as truth, are two different beasts

I don't hate myself for what I felt, or thought, but instead what I was lead to think was okay to believe

I was lied to, again; my words beckoned something I thought was genuine, and deceit was all that met me, just like every time before it

I'm sick of being here, of thinking anything gets better, because it's true that the those who spend their fortune at keeping an authentic heart for others will inevitably end up alone, indebted to those who only care of themselves

I give myself away too often, but only for what I objectively observe as being meaningful, but I'm afraid that closing off my mind will bring me to the dark place again, and I never want to go back there

I have no control of what someone believes or feels, nor do I know what that may be, all the same

I just take what I am given, if it seems and feels good; if it echoes compassion and sincerity, because that's exactly what I lack most

I hate being a slave to this paradox, but my freedom may only come with absolute truth

I have no more faith for that - I still hope; potentiality rings, but I know that's one sided on my end

A wish is a wish..
Axion Prelude Dec 2017
I've sought, throughout my entire life, what were inevitably all for naught; to beseech a heart as this

I would have traded all before it just for a moment to embrace it with all my own

This is the preface of a blessing unto a man who lost faith, long ago; the echo of a voice what crept in through mere dreams and left with stoic wanting of what never could be found before

I yearn to give my heart for this
I would transcend everything just to be what's needed, and to never let escape one single breath in vain for all I would know nothing less to be that of an angel
Axion Prelude Sep 2018
your silent plight begets silent nights
the inaudible whispers haunt us in daunting hollows
insalubrious fervor beseeches thy name
forlorn and lost among creeping doubt
guilt holding refrain from calling to any such fate

with second guess casts shame on second nature
innate profundity loses meaning with time
but all that's known is all that can be
tangible efforts get lost in the shadow of dissonance

my body resonates with such reeling efficacy
empathy goes unheard but your tone still sings truth
such sweetness lost to empty promise reigns defeat and pain
my silent nights beget silent strife
Axion Prelude Jan 2018
The somber whispers of defeat haunt the wind; my skin reels at its chilling touch

Harmony concedes to an epithet of solemn solitude; it creeps within my very bones
Axion Prelude Apr 12
too old for dreams anymore
too young to die
stuck between a predicament and a fault in the truth that is the lie we all live

drowning with no water around; nowhere to swim, no shore to step on; as aimless as day in and day out: nothing goes right, nothing settles in

not until death are we all equal
Axion Prelude Dec 2014
planted seed; they let it grow
through much defeat, it’s never known
a smile's disguise seethes bated breath
my sole escape be only death
Axion Prelude Mar 19
You found peace among the storm
I sought blindly in the distance
Once, our eyes met; no more
Forlorn, begotten, but misplaced
Regret is my eternal lover
We will never be that sultry fate
One missed opportunity at a time, I disgrace my life through incessant mistakes which rue the chance, lost to misguided nature and abhorrent misreprepresentation.

A prisoner to the mistakes and judgment of others, my heart wilts fervently, and forever now.

I lost.
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
I saw the sun one morning I awoke to an empty world; a world where nothing meant anything, where the water I tread was not cool to the touch. It was warm to me, unwelcoming, stale, until that discontent was washed away..

Like the Oceans that blanket the land, this home we call ours even without knowledge of each others existence before, you came to me like a gentle clockwork tide. I knew it was you when the sand's edge became painted smooth ..

Like the rocks that build our mountains high, I've stood here alone for years merely listening to everything around me, feeling the cantankerous wind that blows baring down a weathering sting, breaking me down into solemn sands without soft waves to brush my face. Never have those winds blown through me: I've always stood alone.

As I've watched the world unravel in front of me, I've come to learn one harrowing truth that, true to anything in time, all the things that make you and I real can wisp away into dust, then forgotten..

With you, I know that will never happen

As I've always been, the rock, who has stood tall and prominent, you shall be my weathering soul. As are you, the water - ever flowing, ever changing - you shall stay just as the oceans have existed through time. There never need be any worry when the place you come to rest would be my warm heart; the warm beach I've become for you.

I will be the sturdy shore your tides can come and lie upon, embracing every grain warmed by the sun that shines on us both; and as I would be your resting place to call home, so shall you be mine to call my own: Clear waters so cool and welcoming as the open soul you are. I will always be your safe harbor when the winds seethe storms upon the horizon.

In the end, we will always be two souls as one as it will only be my ocean - you - my sea of life that I will fade into. As wave by wave, by each passing day, sifts my sands, I will fade into you evermore and you shall embrace me - with that, we shall always be together, forever.
cir. 4/'11

patience for the one who deserved it, waiting a lifetime for the right moment.

That moment still eludes me..
Axion Prelude Aug 2015
solid lines of hollow words grace the silent light that cascades from the shadows i once use to call home; but all that is left inside are memories that don't even recall where they're from, too

lost, like me, i drift away thinking, sinking in the fade of the background noise in an empty room and even emptier heart, "what have i done to deserve this?"

in sombre tones of misery brought by the face of cowards gnawing at my bones, like winter's cold their words sink in, devastating the sanctity of what hope is left to hold onto

desolation my only true friend, i could always count on knowing nobody would be there, and silence became the last sound i ever heard beyond the heavy expulsion of tears drizzling upon a worthless desk of crushed dreams - beheld, a misery so deep and vast, the mind rots waiting to surmise even the faintest bit of truth in a purpose to be alive at all

never once would defeating pleas make a difference to the blank faces and inset scars running across my skin, because even in a thousand years time spent in either company, the embrace of a blade would always be more welcoming than the sound of their voice, let alone the mere knowledge of their existence

but it was always my existence i got upset about, most
Axion Prelude Feb 2018
I can't stop falling for you, every new moment we share
Axion Prelude Dec 2014
i retain the strength of character that of the ocean’s floor

unwavering in nature, i do not break; i do not change, i merely drift and shape and form along with the currents as they bear their weight upon me.

but my weakest shortcoming is that i reside in permanent darkness- unknown, unheard and unseen where it is infinitely cold and quiet, alone

i simply wish, even if merely for one day in my life, to feel like the sun: warm, bright and seen by all; needed, known and felt.
Axion Prelude May 2017
My heart lies elsewhere, my mind lies to me

I'd trade my fate to find a means to make the answer I seek come true, set free unto the will of sour circumstance and scathing plight; just to know how not to contrive meaning from something so unfathomably valuable.. to me

But I knock on doors laden with deep scratches and battered accents, prevalent with weary, somber aesthetic: withered by time, alone

I will keep searching, moving forward.. the voice I seek still calls to me

I am ill-content, unspoken, unbound
Axion Prelude Feb 2015
A solemn heart, it seems, beset with grief for things it can not touch sings silent songs of longing for a warmth to set it free..

A quiet soul, as patient as the moons caressing gaze upon the earth, seeks refuge in the trusting light of hope and aching curiosity from which that heart burns so bright..

And tomorrow seems like but a dream, the answers to urges consumed by festering desire locked away behind a wall of doubt; and the courage to know bound by neglect, wreaking havoc on the mind

I wonder..
Axion Prelude Jul 2014
i remember a secret i was once told
of all the things you tried to hold
but they slipped away into the night
fading between the shadows cast by the mornings light
the next day they were merely a memory
but you never forgot that pain in reverie
trying to grasp what was lost
in the hopes that when you find it next
it will not rot

but when i saw you there, i knew
what i found was something that drew me in
what i found was an idea lost
ill-begotten by my own memories, past
of all the people that gave up on my heart too

we all become broken at some point
feeling so lost and empty, disjointed from the world
our very bones and heart aching alike
and sometimes when our worlds are shattered
all it takes is time to pick up all the pieces
the little things that mattered most
sometimes lost to the gentle wisp of breath we exhale
a sigh of relief that at the very least
we can finally have the chance to let go
and begin anew

but when i heard your cries and felt your tears
when i saw you smiling with empty fears
that all good things i have to share are fallacies to endure
i knew then that you already had my heart
you were the one i was looking for all along
and i just wanted to embrace every quality of your person
every scar and every bit of pain, i intend to simply take away
and replace it with a warmth to set you aflame
so you may shine brighter than the sun

i know we all sometimes forget who we are
and in those times we fall harder upon our knees
whispering ill omens of fate or fates which can not be
but trust me dear they're right there, for you
from me, they're all i wish to give you, please
just to find a place in my heart that will never let you go
and never let you down, with open arms
i just want to finally give you a place to call your own
i want to give you all my heart, and call it home
Axion Prelude Mar 2018
It speaks familiar words, this ghost of pride bereft of all it had surmised; no rhyme or reason unto its own accord

Soft hymns of fate fall short their own innate value, wrought with seething dissonance and disdain; but they're never spoken

Clenched fists, eyes with lonely souls, hearts with sullen cries of hope; they unfold without remorse nor splendid candor

All things left behind, intentions fall short of their meaning; once again, romance finds such morose yet somber, gleaming demise
Please don't leave..
Axion Prelude Aug 2018
I seethe within what echoes disdain for all things wanting, because I can't seem to keep what's there to begin with

The desire to purge prior prose and start from scratch beseeches my mind to scrawl what dire nuance calls my name, but I don't look it in the eyes

It's my demon; my voice that resonates deep within; the call of all things mired by fate-less whispers of what's more, or right

But I know, it can't be how I desire. What can be will only come when time sets right the means to seek it out; to reach for whatever may be reaching back at me

I can't move forward unless I know for certain what's there would not bring more desolation. I am a coward, but am I human? I ask myself that every waking moment

I crave nothing more than to be normalized and reverberate with twining string of fate that actually calls my name, not the sour tones of dissonance and disdain as before

I crave reality to be my own, rather than reality to own everything I can not

I seek, eternally.. I find nothing but light that touches the surface, but never does the sun actually rise.

Bring me to my own horizon, bring me fate, bring me peace..

I hope..
Axion Prelude Feb 2018
I never sleep on the ones I love most.

I never worry for the ones that don't matter.

I never stop giving, I never stop listening. Not for a moment does any of this make me weary.

My heart weighs more than the burdens that drag me down, but compassion is not something that has or will ever encumber me.

As long as I am here, I simply am; as long as I can care, I only do.
Axion Prelude May 2019
I hear it in your tone, I feel it in your eyes, I sense it in the cadence of your voice and breathe; I see what you think I can't, I know what you think I don't

You don't care

It's not a greater sense of uncaring for all things, but a lack of care for things that should be considered; and instead of finding a common ground, or using any reasonable sensibilities, you dismiss every bit of resistance to the insalubrious discontent you harbor through pure negligence, pride blinding you to the pleas of those around you

You stifle me

The disruptive, belittling nature of your distaste for anything objective has come at a cost; and now, I lie in limbo from your deflective soul: you never enraptured me, you never captured my heart like a true mother should; no ideal preface resides in my observations, but merely fact and law of emotion

You make me feel worthless

Introspect whispered into my mind, and it showed me a truth I never cared to know: you never even tried to capture my essence, my soul, my heart, or my love; you simply let things be as they were, and I was  merely incidental to your existence

You showed love in the most obscure fashion, but you never followed through; you never held any convictions to what you said, or with whatever you responded in times I needed you most

You're incapable of comprehending the implications of your words and actions

A ghost of a man, invisible to the world at large; ultimately haunted by his own reality - you showed me you could never care, because your only clause for dire intent are your intrinsic doubts for anything other than what you experience; your selfishness proceeds you, it condemns you, it mires you, and yet it's everyone else that are the only ones that feel the repercussions

You've never once said sorry to me

I know you'll never read this, but if I had one last chance to just convey the heavy-handed affects of your neglect, it would be: your actions, and inaction, stifle my own sense of care. You've left me in limbo, trying to understand how I should, or could feel about you; you've left me to question my love for one of the only people in my existence that I should be able to reliably known, for certain, love me all the same; you've garnered such abhorrent trends, traits, and habits that consistently, and constantly, rival everyone you come in contact with. The neglect has left my heart tainted, worried, and lonely; you've made me question where I stand, and where I can be.

You can't seem to understand how you're hurting people

That will live with me until you pass, and until the day I die as well. I'll never know what you truly felt, because you hide it under such a thick guise; a facade you've made out of what seems to be necessity, but mostly just arrogant dissonance.

You're not bad to people, but you're explicitly not good either

I don't know how to love you, anymore, because I don't comprehend how you love me. I don't know where I stand, I don't know where to be. I don't know where to go anymore with these feelings. I suffer through nostalgia for things I never had, and digress all intent to a lesser understanding of myself, for it. I suffocate near you, I want to weep yet cringe at doing so for not understanding whether you even deserve my pity, my remorse, my forgiveness, or my love.

I will never understand my own worth, to you

you were never bad to me, not directly, but you never were there for me in the ways I needed you most. you abandoned me, a long time ago, and I will never understand whether that's my fault, or strictly your own. My heart feels a sickness within it, one that makes my chest convulse; like nothing I've felt before. it's wrong, it's nothing, it's everything; it's impure, it's disdain. it's aching to feel anything at all, from you.

you hurt me, and you'll never comprehend, understand, or know why. Because of this, I know we will leave this world wholly apart, and I will never be able to come to terms with that; I will forever live with and inevitably die with that being my only reality

My soul feels sick
Axion Prelude Sep 2015
it comes in different stages for different people. most just feel it like a freight train hitting them square in the chest; the tears are heavy, like iron, falling freely upon their own ghostly will; and then the emotions set in, but the realization always stays the same with everyone, creeping in at a steady pace no matter how strong you think you are. they start slowly from the inside and make a home within the crevice between your heart and lungs, and you cant breathe anymore, you cant think either. your mind becomes consumed, trying to find a light in all this darkness, struggling to find reason and a hope and anything good you can possibly think of just to make sense of the tragedy that has now become like hands around your neck slowly tightening more and more as each day comes and goes

but eventually the reality of it all passes over your head and you come to terms with it and you become okay, one step at a time. you start to rationalize the situation and become more attuned in figuring out how to conclude your own torrent of questions that has since engulfed you with grief for losing someone to a situation you have no conscious comprehension in knowing just how they made such a conclusion to their own person.

and this is how most people think, how most people confide in their knowledge or, even better, lack thereof. to the ones that do not, nor ever will understand or comprehend the situation as to why someone would ever be capable of concluding their own life, i have an insatiable jealousy for your way of thinking. because, ive been in that situation, many times, and it never gets easier. not only unto myself and my own thoughts and my own incredibly overbearing, chest-crushing sort of ostensible and existential pains, but ive been confronted with others', sometimes literally face to face, multiple times.

each time, you think it would become easier and easier to face death eye to eye; you think that, having had so much experience in it, its gaze would become easier to hold, but it never does. and the chills are all the same, no matter how calm on the outside you may seem. the face can be calm, the breathing can be normal, but the mind - in those moments - are most fragile. and the irrationalities and misconceptions become more and more real, like the doubts you have about your own existence become tangible sound; a voice, whispering just out of reach of your audible range, but still close enough to remind you that you're alive and how much you dont want to be just that, all the same.

its as though your heart and very soul becomes a blank slate; a canvas for all the eternally conflicting discrepancies you have felt for your person, painted across it in an erratic splash of blood and tears, left as a reminder to your fears to keep thinking, "is this what i want?" but the only answer you can find is bawling your eyes until your pupils become red and rash from dryness, for days the strenuous pounding of your heart being the only true friend you have left on this planet, but all you can do is listen and talk to yourself in that familiar emptiness you have nothing else to call but "home."

for people like me, like us, we come to find the answers are always hidden in the places we can never reach; a scorn to our testament that is our life, seething in dissonance for all things "good" and "normal," echoing blank chanting of empty fate and faithless days where we don't know who we are or why we're here no better than anyone else would think if you were to ask them, but the difference being that we hold these devaluations to be true every waking hour. we don't sleep sound and we don't taste the same sweetness normal people do; where in the shadows of others, we feel safest, but the darkness is all we have and all we've ever known. and by normal, i don't mean better. i just mean different. and it's our difference we strive to convey, but the message always goes unheard, like yelling in your sleep: our words become quicksand and we have nothing left to show for it until it's utterly too late and we have no other choice to make.

but for the ones that have to see others making the conclusion before you, the struggle to find peace begins anew, one person at a time. First the chills, the denial that it happened at all. Then the anger swirls like goosebumps on your skin, as real as any other pigment or scar you find, but you can't pick it away, nor does it wash off just like that. It sticks with you, it becomes a part of you, forever. Then the sadness comes, the realization that they're gone, and that's that.

And sometimes, there comes a breakdown. You begin to quiver in your eyes and lip, suffocating on the urge to keep in the inevitable tears you are completely powerless to; but it happens anyways, day after day, without any recourse or decision on your part to stop it all the same as those who took themselves. And now you're not even awake anymore, but you feel like you're stuck dreaming even when you're "awake," reaching at every corner of the planet just to find an anchor to reality. you begin reaching for your phone or going online, hoping to find some sort of alternative to what is happening in the moment; a message, a voice, anything just letting you know “everything is okay, this isn’t real,” all the while thinking that if you search at all then those answers will be had, as simple as that. but you always know it's never true and it's never like that at all, and you realize it has happened, because it already did

You're literally alone and helpless to your own self-defeating mechanical failure – your body and movements become stiff, your energy completely gone and your thoughts drifting into blankness. in one last effort, you think to yourself people might help. But the same people that put you in that position to feel that level of misery are useless and provide no bastion of hope or faith that things will be okay, so you give up not only on them, but everyone. because the ones who should matter most and love you with the greatest kind of love, you should come to expect would be there for anything. and they're not, and you have no clue what to do, so you're left trying to ask the questions, fighting with your own consciousness just to provide a means for comfort from somewhere or something. but it's always the same: you become lost again, and the questions fade.

And you fall asleep in your own mind, mute to everything and everyone. And you're burdened by the weight of this loss, and the loss of innocence years ago, and the loss of your faith. everything becomes past tense, but you're used to it, yet it never gets easier. the listlessness is your voice now, and you're dead on the inside, sitting there alone, remembering where your feelings started to lead you to this dark place once more where the thoughts become wishes and the wishes become motivation to conclude the very same things. and sometimes, you dont want to, but sometimes, the fate you felt were on your heels for as long as you can remember, it jumps forward and holds its hand out, and by that moment, its just inevitable the only thing you have left to do

nobody can change that. you can only choose to change yourself. but sometimes, its just too hard to do anything at all. and the moment passes, and tomorrow is just another day. but this time, its a little bit harder, because your steps forward become quite a bit heavier with the unwarranted burden of grief knowing you have to move on without your friend, because now they're gone, and because of this, a small part of you wishes you were too.
Axion Prelude Apr 2015
heart's forlorn atrophy
doubt haunting like ghosts
screaming my name in vain

this isnt misery, saddness or anger
its the last call on the final night, before..
the bottom of the hole
Axion Prelude Sep 2018
Alive, alone, derided through and through

You know you get me
But when I'm alone.. I become sane, again
troubled with the mess of realizing
reality isn't my forte, it's the dreams I live in
and the hopes I'm not given

Disdained, begetting songs of true fortune
You know it's crazy to think of anything before you
and even then, I realized I didn't have anything planned

I know you didn't want to see this coming
and neither did I
The silver linings are once in a lifetime
we get the chance to divine upon;
But there's never a greater time to behold except right very much now

I know you said you couldn't do it alone, but look at you now
stoic, yet holding your own
Tattered and barren but never too far from the hope we knew we needed
And it's a mystery why things never stay the same no matter how much
In the end everything seems to be
Invariably never changing

old habits dying with the wishes we had yesterday
But it's cool
I see you there and all I could ask of you is
Simply you

There's no defeat that is what we ultimately asked for
But I'll never presume what I have, what I want, what I know
It's all only what you care to choose
Your smile begets my own

By now, I feel, the notion has gotten a little overboard
the motion of it all being
Self defeating
Just as these words drip from my fingers
I can't stop seeing..

But they'll never change, unlike the rest..
And no, I'm not saying I'm anywhere **** near being the best
For you, or anyone
But what I can purvey is all the trust that's been given thus far
It's not natural unless it comes deep within our own hearts to convey
And I appreciate it, like cherishing a perfect day you can't forget

Because it came from somewhere knowing you well enough; deep down, among all the stricken dusty irony
Designed in purgatory, awaiting, sophisticated
the drudgery seems to fall away when we're just speaking at or especially with each other

But I still know, even in all of this, I am alone to think of such inspiring bliss
It comes off as moronic banter
Meaningless and disgusting just like the rest before me
But that's not me at all, and just maybe with time you'll get to know that best

You were afraid, then..
You'll be afraid tomorrow
and even then, I'll know never to impose
That's not what I want to do
That's not any sole truth
I just want to hear and know you're having a good day

All I could ever ask is simply you; and I'll be right here
Where we both fell in plight
Singing all the empty little things
We call life's, little, circumstances
Let's take chances, and leap into the unknown

For once, for good, for now; all spared meanings
Serving nothing and nobody proud, but rather still
Emotionless, soulless, deep and profoundly undertaken  
Shaken, wreaking havoc on their own flightless, droll, uncured soul

Sometimes we fall for the things we think are good for us
It echoes in the past as pain and regret
When, truthful, ironically
We tend to fall just trying to make a leap of faith on any first thing that brings us any hope to know "I'm okay" when in reality it's just false truths that bestow wrongdoing

And when something good actually happens upon our doorstep
The only way we seem to go is back, taken, breathless with deceit
Convinced what's here and now isn't anything that's good or worth our time
Irony seethes there, cold and barren
You never know, until you just know..
I'm talking about a true leap, in the right direction

Not desperate, or disparaging
Not profoundly meaningless or unshaken
Something bold enough to cover the scars and defeat with a kindness, a goodness, a righteousness strong enough to say
"hey, I think I'm going to be okay" and nothing more simple or complex as that

And if you want to get up and walk around, we'll so do I; and I could never want for more than to simply have the pleasure of spending that time together
Against all odds and defying all the redundant nuance

Derided, through and through.. Lost but never alone
Gone but never too far
And all I could every truly, simply, kind ask for is..
All that could ever be perceived as expected is everything that couldn't be thought of or imagined. The only thing we are capable of expecting is the utterly unexpected.

It'll never happen. Part of me isn't okay with that. Not through fear, or anger, but a resounding sadness knowing there's literally only one, and that will simply never exist elsewhere.

A quaint, smitten echo of somber defeat rings with every exhale.
Axion Prelude Feb 2018
The sign of a drunken person is not through the sound of vibrant disillusion shouting obscenities through existential inebriation, but in the length of their face when they wake up one day to that stark realization that whatever once was can never be again.

The eyes become darker, mute and cold, the mind obscured by all the things they probably cared about when they had the opportunity but never merely took; and it is in their demeanor where life seethes nowhere in the voice except where it is merely enough to get them through just one more begrudging day of sinister regret gnawing at their heels every waking moment.

Hollow souls show us what we never want to be but somehow so many of us succumb to the same discrepancies and injustices of belittlement from the world around us: sober eyes and sharp tongues convincing us we are nothing more than what we think we are; and what we are to begin with is nothing, taking shape from the beginning of it all, ready to be molded into something grand and good – we must all start from somewhere, but most are subjugated before any of it can even begin; and ultimately, many of us never truly live at all.

Drunken, with the desire to simply live.
Axion Prelude May 2014
Lucid dreams of what could have been; another world or time, the difference staggeringly saddening. The time to find the means to an end goes too fast to comprehend it all as it comes. It floods the brain, the mind and heart. Overwhelming circumstance: motivation lost. Exacerbation kills creativity altogether; and the cycle repeats. I’m lost.
Axion Prelude Jul 2014
heartstrings unbound
pulled apart like petals
blossoming truth beheld
this is Love
Axion Prelude Mar 26
I can be who I will be
And I will be who I can
But never would any of those be
Any less than wholly me
Axion Prelude Jul 2019
Falling backwards

I wanna spend my love on you
got me doing all the things I do
investing time and faith in you
you gotta do, what you gotta do

holding down listless commentary
sifting through every memory of us
building up, holding my breath
just to take a moment of you in

falling backwards
take us to the here and now
momentum breaking down

I wanna spend my love on you
distilled dreams caught me thinking
untold sights and sounds, dancing around in the clouds
questioning this way we livin'

falling backwards

If I could surmise us a plan
That wouldn't take much to bring us out of, it..
complacent, adjacent
but never close enough, to you

Oh, you..

Falling backwards
But I know where I wanna spend my time
and all I wanna do, all I want..

I wanna spend my love on you
one step forward, two steps back. it's always this way, it never hurts any less..
Axion Prelude Feb 2018
I gaze at you, belonging
Your eyes become my song of hope
I see within myself all that can be
And I dream bigger dreams than ever
I only hope you transpose this feeling
I wish to compose together someday
A simple picture brings a smile that lasts all day. I see in you what I see within myself. I think of you often, idly wanting if only to share your company.

I am bereft of my own curiosity wondering if you are simply well. Your dreams and goals are equally important to me, and I wish you only successful. Oh, what I'd give to share those strides forward with you, side by side.

I want for nothing but to care for your heart. In well hands, I wish to grow; to bloom, with you.

If ever..
Axion Prelude Feb 2015
I've embraced the touch of hope before
begotten by the echos of yesteryear
where met the feeling of rejoice and love
ended unto abhorrent discourse

unto the mirror reflecting internal strife
sounds of fate resonated within
misguided by the allure of necessity
this soul walked into its own shadow
eyes shining brighter still than the morning dawn
blinded by the sheer audacity
still i may not lose sight of where to place my next step
Axion Prelude Jan 2015
i feel like i am a lost sonnet, born amongst a world designed to only listen to its own prose
Axion Prelude Dec 2017
I've spent a life creating fortune for those who've either never seen nor deserved it

Decimated by wanton want for more, or decaying senses wrought with desolation and desire to simply be known, I've caused strife within myself for the sake of others being fulfilled

I've spent so much time creating, ready to give myself to a world that's only seemed to cause destruction to my own soul, and take from me the things I needed most, even if merely conceived through empty wishing

I crave to bestow this strength and wisdom to one who would call my heart home; to be equal and stand as one, through synergy and servitude toward every sense of well being, respect, and care

I do not ask for more, I request nothing but trust and honesty; my affection, admiration, and loyalty lies upon the eyes that see me true

I do not expect love, nor frivolous diligence, I simply wish to no longer misplace my purpose, my admiration, or my faith unto anyone that would never see me, or never care to desire such staunch resolve within their heart as well
A gentle sigh relieves itself from my lungs; the air escaping my lips echoing thoughts of solemn wishes.

I gaze your hand and think how soft they'd feel in mine; your eyes, I see within and feel every word you share; such lovely shades of green caressed by hues of blue and orange. Every detail of you and your person embraced with purest intent, I revel in all that is bestowed; and behold your concerns with the same conviction. Your pains become my own.

The stories you share tear my heart asunder; such harrowing misfortune bestowed upon you, I hear it in your tone and sense it from the tears you shed: you deserve so much more.

How such simple nuance can go unheard, unseen, or unspoken; such stifled cause and senseless negligence, how it could ever befall someone of such grace and sheer beauty, I will never comprehend.

You prove to me there is light on the other side; I see you before me no less a person, sharing our sight as one where our eyes meet as equals.

I crave to prove to you your innate value; to be a resolve you can depend upon in any time of need; to give you all you've sought but never felt or heard or seen, even the simplest of notions  which should naturally be bestowed upon someone from another who truly cares.

I see you for who you are. I hear what you say. My heart breaks at all the wrongs brought unto you. You honor me with friendship.. I just hope for the privilege, someday, to prove my adoration for you, and to show you what it would be like to be embraced by my heart.

Sometimes, romance truly is merely hopeless. Maybe just saying this aloud, scribing my feelings in secret are all ill ever have. Maybe not.

If we never have an opportunity to be more, you've set a stark precedent for all I've ever meant to find..

I think of you often, and always hope you fare well. Your strength and guiding sense of determination inspire me to be a better person. I could only hope that person, someday, may be something you'll want in your life, or even need.

I dream of simple things
Axion Prelude Jun 2014
what drifts between the mired lines of fate and dreams sets free the sorrowed wakening of the harrowed heart.

in cold rapture, time stands still with every word exposed and seen through touching, gazing eyes

each moment gone before begets the forward, eternal march unto dawn

the good bestows lawful effortless bounty of what was always meant to be

two hearts beckon upon each other in torment and rapture, anxiously seething one another

patience values the faithful wrought with time and humbleness
Axion Prelude Aug 2014
Urges to see, colors to feel, sounds to taste, feelings to hear.. you mesmerize me like the reflection of the sky on the oceans surface: endless in nature, yet always so natural and real
Axion Prelude May 2016
injustice sings irreverent hymns of daunting cause, living life without reprieve in second cadence to bereavement

it's where the shadow meets the light where boundaries aren't kept safe, deceiving even the most woefully ignorant
Axion Prelude May 2014
the sun sets with much disdain for the morrow; the wind, stale with defeat, whispers echoing clandestine guilt of things never meant to be.

the heart burrows deep unto solemn internal recourse, bound by flame and disgust, pleading to be set free and seen - to no avail

where does the mind go when the heart can't see? where do all the gentle words flee when there is no feeling left of hope or love?

to beseech is to abstain - they never listen. begotten by the ignorant, time seems lost in itself. where there was doubt, so came the demise of hope.

seek anew, rise above the pain. listen, speak, learn. the pale, sultry face of redemption is close. my savior and kindness. sweet humble voice of reason: save me from this doubt. your eyes speak to me and your mind drives the curiosity within wild with passionate conjecture.

you may be closer than you think
Axion Prelude May 2014
Amiss: the times forgotten; bestowed, a dark longing for power. Dried, empty and desolate. The past, a prelude of what is to come.

Desolation is misery's friend. But, the sun rises once more, as always. Complete, soft, warm; dependable, trusting, forgiving.

The light shines bright upon the horizon; and the subtle ache of needing more mires the necessity to beget what is wrought with strife and pale ignorance.

The red rose strives on, besieging my mind with agonizing desire to seed dissonance. Such kindness resonates within me. And the humble tone of honesty cascades a purer meaning.

She eludes me.

Paths cross but once in our lifetime. The choice is there, but the strength is not. The consequences are dire, rich with hate and loss and fear. The outcome? Always unknown.

The rewards? Eternal.
Axion Prelude Jul 2014
i assault my memories with lazy typewriter days
and these crazy moments i forget to sing
remind me of  your voice
because you say it sweeter anyways

and the meaning changes from red to green
never letting up and never saying stop
so we go and keep on going
until the horizon ends

and all we see is yesterday fade
while the summer creeps up to wake us up tomorrow
together - sometimes i like to think forever

and we'll get there soon enough
we'll get there when we say enough, our hearts explode with potential
where regret is simply like the doubt two lovers make when keeping promises

beauty stops breaking every bone
when the caller is you
and our lips align when we share the same secrets
over that talk box
make believe becomes reality
when i know its you who dialed first

and with a flick of a string or three
we can turn "I" into "We"
or at least "I am" into "we are"
wearing down thin these paper walls we hide behind

its just that easy if you want it to be
i know I do
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