there is energy in
the spaces in between
the stillness as
moments of frenzy
Thresholds
have to be broken
to start a reaction
-
Notice the energy
In the spaces
between glances
Some eyes refuse
mine beg
Long even,
The room is still
But also it stirs

There are days when my emotions
are a small gear being turned
in my brain by a small man
with quick ideas and a sole
purpose to manufacture
he goes away when
rage comes to stay,
the only true connection to
my nervous system
the most familiar face
I finally spoke to it out loud
I never learned love
without pain or sacrifice

I picture the small man
going on vacations
these days I feel
and feel and feel
I am convinced this is the
true nature of how
my brains favorite number is 2
always loving both extremes
boys who are mean and
girls that just do not need me
as much
as men need me
to be sweet and fill their shoes
all shoulder and still
nothing to cry on

we meet for the first time over and over
I never left, I sit
watching movies about us on
every park bench we claimed
something about capturing a moment
before it was gone
a quote from this film that would
rock me to sleep
a soft ******/****** assault lullaby
but in between scenes of pain
she is just inbetween
twirling through the surrealism
in ethereal fields, these truly are
The Lovely Bones
before I can remember
I remember
I've been eager to heal
like her
only women and
my mary jane
can make me feel anything
it is no coincidence my favorite color has been green
since birth because
I cannot accept coincidences
instead cling to my superpower
as if its not just a defense mechanism
but as if I have not moved whole houses on my own
I refuse to believe either side
of anything

these days without a dad are strange
in ways I wish I cared more about
things are suddenly easy to let go of
when you are tired and
you finally loosen your grip,
an ode to visceral reactions
things are simple to never need back
if nothing seems real
in the first place
it's never even that deep
just that picturing a future
seems more like
getting hopes up
there is an important distinction
to be separate from  "looking forward to something"
life grows disheartened when these two are confused
used too closely to tell
is this realism? or a ****** distraction
from the fact that
I wouldn't mind dying

I play house wife
for a place to rest my head
just another hole in the wall
that's not how the song goes
a rich friend wants to die
and the world wants to **** us
heightened magical beliefs when
everyone is afraid
everything that seemed
unreal is familiar
it is coming to life today
to take us away
or not but either way
I am on my last layer
the gas station pit stop
just before ****** boot to floor
no outlet sign
doesn't mean stop
because its been "**** the cops!"
**** the clock
and all things that **** people who
don't want to die
this parallel told me
"run, get out"
yesterday, or sometime ago
you know how similars confuse me
gasping for purified air
with the smell of death stuck to my hair
and I ******* swear
I'm getting out of here

******* at the funeral
poison women aching in their parallel
they drink until Juliet is dead
or until in their head too
it is clear
free of fear and recalling
this was always supposed to be a tragedy
______________

no left or right turn
changes that everything, even love
begins and ends with some type of poison
the slowly dripping IV type
or
a sudden break check
dash to face type of poison

the Juliets' love only exists on one page
allowed to live if the real goal
is to die
smoke breaks, goodbyes
the ever too consistent "I'll see you arounds"
that is the point of a tragedy
it gets to claim the reason for existing
and the entire existence itself

Juliet drinks the poison every night
even after the man in the hole warned me
her love feeds on the liver
while the others begin to fade out

today to reduce the friction ,
i imagined his hands were yours
his rapid gasps as your
slow sweet melody in my ear
a song familiar yet distant

it’s like the time we spent listening to loud muffled music through closed doors
we knew all the words but all we could hear was a thudding beat
and softened lyrics
or when the living room tv played an instrumental that i twirled to
in the kitchen over coffee
distant and soft
most things with you were like that
my version of you was like that

who you are to the world is an armor
a protected identity
all present and sharp
formed from your roots
spoken through a body canvas
and select dialogue
displayed in your recreations of
what you want so desperately to be
but underneath the armor is a warm bed
a dimly lit lamp covered by a bandana
a deep belly laugh with reservations
tears and fears and everything lovely

so when they ask me “do you miss him”
i will gently answer “no”
for one simple reason that
the “him” i loved died when he gave me a last distant and soft goodbye

they say time heals
but every day without you
a piece of me flakes off
i’m dead skin
an ***** once used for protection
now purposeless
sometimes floating through the air
sometimes intertwined in dust bunnies
but always still dead

the sunsets and the sun rises
creating each day and each night
and not once does it ask permission
the night will still be pink with light pollution
because of the single office illuminators,
found in every breathing building
the night shift family I never met,
will still glow behind little screens
or candle light thought bubbles and ink
the morning will still spill coffee all over him
but only on mondays, when he’s running late
mondays will always come
sunday mornings will still petition against alarm clocks
and sunday, hereself, will always win
it will rain and it won’t
either way, without me
a.m.

i’m no good, femme fatale
i bring hand grenades to dinner dates
beauty icon — kiss my cyanide flavored lip gloss
let’s bump uglies, ******* & rat poison
leave this world left hand *******
right hand intertwined in yours
i’m in a damaged goods costume
take away some letters, my clothes
and i’m just dam good
leaving you on your knees, begging to fix me
begging to **** me
I don’t follow the rules
I use my mouth on you
opened up and emptied out
just to fill me up... with your blood
femme fatale, equipped with fangs
and the ability to not give a ****

fishnet qualities
only giving a **** about *******
always plucking skin from my teeth
sewing them together
my leatherface trophy for happiness
a mask worn, disguised as lust driven love
unknowing victims
cutting their own hearts out for me
a symbol for the empty cage, the broken door, the night mine walked right out of my chest
not stolen, or given, just tired and ready to leave
I let it go, without a goodbye
put on my fishnets
and welcomed lust for dinner

I’m sweet for you
boy covered in red and green, brand new
I’m sweet for you
even when I’m not
even when it’s true that I’m blue
I’m better because I’m sweet for you
sugary taste for you
even if I tell myself it’s not true
I’m sweet for you, through and through
I just wish it wasn’t you
because I don’t know how to be sweet too (like you)
a.m.

I look for you in his blanket stares
easily glancing past his flesh hungry fangs
tonight I'm not food
I can't be

it is mid July but I am shivering from December's past
holding onto subtle soft gazes
as if they weren't just accidents
as if they weren't the moment before a blink
when you're really not forming an emotion
I hold on to those as if after the blink your eyes are not ravenous
to me those are December eyes
to me those are not his eyes
I beg for them to be your eyes
soft even when they're wide open

but it is warm and his eyes are sharp
and I am the effortless hunt
I wandered, wounded to his doorstep
and although he was still full from dinner
I became a routine late night snack

a.m

two lovers roam the city of steel and brick, lights flash each time he gently squeezes her hand
they are the heart of the city, pumping blood though the circulatory streets
one lonely lover watches the lights change out of the glass eyes from her apartment, cradled in blankets and detox tea, she is the skin of the city she feels each step the lovers take in every layer of herself
she is burned by the flick of lipstick stained cigarette love songs
she falls asleep that night to the same songs that **** them
a.m

missing you is like being addicted to drugs but the kind of addiction that starts off in the hospital
with every intention to heal
the one that leaves you to sleep with your cold sweats and cravings
having you and then having to miss you was the same kind of addiction that will keep getting you high until it kills you
— take one pill by mouth until the bottle grows legs and leaves you

a.m

yesterday we are here, giggling to each other about the gentle sleep noises we make, an entire night sky rests easy while I'm in your arms

tonight you are gone, I am wearing your sweater to bed, clutching the love notes you wrote me, there is rain and loud thunder while I scream

tomorrow I do not know where I am, I smell of liquor as I get tangled in a stranger that I will never speak to again, everything is dull and the people I walk by when I leave are faceless

Everyday after it is pitch black and pure white all at once, there is a single bench that I sit on, waiting for yesterday

with your warm eyes and crooked smile
I picture you saying "come home, we've both had a long week, your side of the bed is waiting for you"

it has been 32 long weeks with no call home but still everyday I wait for the phone to ring

now begins the sensory portion of this practice, create a picture in your head of each item listed within the series

pine tree

breathe in
we are decorating the 3 foot tree we rescused from a goodwill store near our home
breathe out
some of the lights don't work but it never bothered you much, you just loved that it was ours
breathe in
we keep the lights on because you like the shadows they make on the walls at night
breathe out
I stay awake all night looking at the broken lights
breathe in
you find a way to fix the lights but it is only temporary and soon they fade
breathe out
i don't know how or why but I can feel the lights become dimmer each day
breathe in
you say the dim lights give good contrast to the room
breathe out
I hate those ******* lights
breathe in
breathe out

I don't hear any other words from the instructor
For the remainder of the practice I am in our bed, staring at the broken lights

this now concludes this session begin to return your breath to it's natural state and  reconnect with the scene around you

I had taken two steps farther again hoping you would notice the distance, but this time I fell off a cliff screaming for you to ask me to stay . I was floating, wondering, “if I died when I hit the ground would the bruises of my past hurt more than being gone?” I couldn’t decide so I just let myself fall. I was looking up to every sharp edge of my life that I had created as my body twirled through the air. I’m not sure why I couldn’t form any thought but “I wish I would have worn shoes, I always hated that my second toe was longer than my first”. Next thing I could remember was you shaking me. I could not figure out when I had reached the ground. You kept saying “please stay”, it was as if your voice was on some sort of prerecord loop. I had needed to hear those words for so long that when you finally spoke them I didn’t understand. How could you not keep your eyes open long enough to see I had been slowly walking away for quite some time. Why did it take the distant thud of my body hitting the ground to catch your attention? You had to realize; you are my only home. I had hoped for so long that you would remember to repair the roof and paint the walls that shade of yellow we loved. But the only bedroom that wasn’t falling apart was the one where you laid your head as you dreamt, and I wept.

you were the ******* one
her heart bleeds
she paints every stone blood red
stains every mirror black
kaleidoscope colors are not a metaphor
about the beauty of change anymore
they are the personification of a moment
slipping away with a single twist
you were supposed to be the ******* one
why couldn't we grow together
let our colors bleed together
she never knew the terror of changing colors
she never saw these shades
she can't even create these shades without dying
you are a complete stranger
the only mirror not painted black is pointed to you
a stranger
the kaleidoscope mirrors shatter
the sharpest and most bold colors flying from your tounge
all of them shades of red
all of them stolen from her
all of them dead

writing took a backseat the moment I recognized how strongly it made me feel something

          —I stopped mid sentence

trembling, she buttoned up each catch to hide the melody burned into her skin

my ramona

set free too long ago
a song sent to be heard only in twilight

your face has new lines — none of which sing
these are straighter, without rhythm
you have been reconstructed into a sketch
a new art claims your body
a new artist claims your body

why do you let your canvas have such a possessive audience?

beauty leaks from your ballads
you are not a pen stroke

my ramona

a.m.

I do not understand why my shell is stronger than my soul
every single subconscious want is stuck in an eternal state of escape
slowly clawing away at my energy field
even the conscious thoughts I udder now are a work of my frontal lobe
a combination of fat and water that will one day be just that
what will it take for this exponentially real self of mine to erupt
too long I have sat in a puddle of this realization, this discomfort,
waiting
I am living as a shell of a person
stuck in a continuum of who I am and who I want to be
in this other reality, everything is an unexplored field
I am on a new level each time I turn the corner
no longer are there restraints
no longer do I feel this pain
my mind is not stuck in this body because I am my mind
I am my experience and that of which is experiencing me is my soul
soon drifting I become every electrical impulse,
and all of which is uncharged at the same time
no longer am I woman or even human
I am what is, what is not, and what always has been
now infinite, I escape

as if burning liquor was not enough, you used the sun to destroy me

as if you forgot it was the hottest weapon we could understand, there you sat me

as if you didn’t recall I was terrified of each shadow that it created 

as if it would be easier to drown me in the dark
as if you knew the light would be too much for me to handle

as if you forgot I was much stronger than that 
as if you knew the struggle would be more punishing than the victory 

as if burning liquor was not enough, you used the sun to destroy me 

a.m

I can not find the way back home
I am walking through a dreary and desolated forest
alone, on a path that guides me to seemingly eternal darkness
On this journey, I bump into a disturbed reality
rooted in the ground like an old somber tree
It is a sentence, reading an aching truth
"Thirteen year old little boys do **** themselves."
Terrified, I continue on my way
All alone, or so I think
The face of a ghost or maybe a memory
creates a single hue lighter than the darkness
It is that thirteen year old boy
he comes with a name and a presence engulfed by sadness
I walk through this boy that blocks the path
He gives me no direction, no answers
only recognition
Through him I see the only light on this lonely path
Through him only, I will find my way back home

and an answer
bitter ***** be better
can't cut continue ****
don't do damage dark
electric energy exiting
finding figurative feelings
giving girls gestures
having her hair held
in inches intricately
just jostling judging
**** kinetic kindness
licking like love lives
make more madness mandatory
not new naked nausea
original order opposed
pretty pink particularly painful
quick questions quiet
reflections reproducing resentful
soaked sorrows soothingly
to take time
under universal urge
violent victories
welcoming weapons with whispers
xenophobic
ziplocked zombies

im am now undesirably  happy
I was once desirably unhappy
but with sadness came comfort
self pity became my favorite sweater
and now overzealous joy is the cardigan  I thought I would never wear
in the back of my closet, where I wish it would have stayed
change came in every season
winter was now spring
how I longed for the snow
underneath my sorrow was ability
ability to understand
now understanding slowly slipped
from my finger tips
so do not gaze at me with a confused and disapproving glare
while you sip from your every morning coffee
containing precisely three sugars
and two creams

all of the worst things are compared to broken glass
so when my cup of tea shattered in every metaphorical way possible, I was not startled that you
"glued me back together "
when my life flew off the handle
because it simply got too hot
I did not burn my fingers, I just dropped the mug
every verse of poetry that contained the "I AMs" I related to the
I AM sad, lost, lonely, just holding ons
because now words were my constant flow, like a river
or any other clichè
I carried on to an ocean of possibility with you by my side
or just in sight
A God amongst men, like Janus appearing and opening the door to opportunity, to new love, to the precise definition of moving forward
because within each ray of your sunshine, was another freckle scattered on my smiling cheeks

heartbreaks like bad breaks
make bad days feel like fate
heartbreaks like new wounds
for more hope to heal soon
heartbreaks like inmates
that do time for mistakes
heartbreaks like small snakes
with fear there but it's fake
heartbreaks like brown dirt
with brown eyes and more hurt
heartbreaks like old men
with old lessons and new men
heartbreaks like better days
that move on in better ways

You look like poetry walking
The most beautiful kind about the summer time and expensive wine

I wish I could write the way your body felt against mine using your textured tongue to stop time

All your ugly turns to delicate words from lips that takes turns on my hip bones then burns a novel into my skin

I wish I could share your story like one before bedtime as a child
Before my soul became wild like the flowers you shower me in

Your love makes me forget every part I wish I couldn't feel like a healer in the body of a king

I wish I could use each stanza of your mind to thank you for every time that you gave me a reason to breathe

You are nothing short of a fantasy.
The motion pictures in my head are jealous they do not get to call you mine like I do, because the horror in my dreams weep with the thought that it does not have fingers to intertwine with yours. Any vine intertwined without you in the woods is unworthy of growing, because you are every source of light there could possibly be in this world. Try to convince me you do not create the axis this world spins on, and I will not believe you, because you are the foundation to my home of a heart that I have longed to build with you.

the universe whispered in your ear tonight
telling you that I loved you, before I got the chance
through shooting stars and constellations
it uttered words my lips were too timid to speak
tears cascade along my cheeks for every emotion
there are buckets filled with our past
poured upon our heads to remind and refresh
cleaning our wounds from broken record paper cuts
from broken record people, promising unrealistic lies
but simplicity of a soul brought me to you
and the sky spelled out our name in empathy
for we ride the stars to an oasis of something new
blossoming and forming flowers of words you're too scared to say
but the cracks in our petals of speech
do no good up against the universe
because it is the universe that confirms
the dark is darker without you
my heart beats louder around you
and all of me, is in love with you

in this moment
rare bare mineral
emotion
i realize that death
will never be understood
but accepted
only after your
               my
                    our
last breath
will we know
if angels will carry
our story
our soul
to a paradise
or if each life
is simply a birthmark
on the skin of this earth

easy breathing
you are the wind
sleeping lightly
                               i feel lightly
                               it looks lightly
                               you look lightly
at me
i am the wind
                          you are the wind
          we are breathing easily
early morning happy
waking up lightly  
                               slightly dazed
but still smiling

koolaid days
you and i
we could stop time
sugar and a smile
broken glasses
who can run the fastest
***** nights
lost my fight
sugar and a smile
coffee is different as a child
fast cars fast hearts
sugar and a smile
new drink don't blink
i drink coffee now

forrest fires in my head put out by your punctuation
because your pause between sentences feel just as comforting a your body close to mine
a savior in black and white written in galaxies before concepts of color were strewn about
the simplest shared breath took trajedy from terminal, to taking it one step at a time
safety cuffs on criminals with broken hearts as our only crime
we look to you to save us
and I was the lucky convict to catch your inquiring glance

be PROVACATIVE
baby
move your hips
baby
be a girl
baby
c'mon more skin
less nervous
systematic
"like a girl"
from an insult
to an idealistic reality
c'mon baby
be provacative

my hands use to ache of sorrow as if my mind couldn't quite teach them how to cry as beautifully as my eyes could

let me know when you've had your heart ripped out of your chest
but crash into the other lane where his stupid ******* lips are within a week
when ever subtle touch of something once so protective makes you squirm
make sure to tell me when your skin finds it easier to be pulled off than to be seen in a ******* mirror
then talk to me about being so in love that you can't do anything about it

my green eyes grow blue now that you're not around

flashback and I'm pulling at your heart strings and you beg for me to be tangled with you
it's innocence of our first kiss and promised everyone it's true
it's a bright afternoon but you swore to me im the only one that shines
and I'm not walking in a straight line but you promise everything is fine
the words you speak sound foreign to me and I won't believe a single character
I've been hurt so this is not new but I thought you were fresh air
the air is fresh and so are we and I can't think of better possibilities
but there's calm before the storm and I've never been one for tranquillity
opened doors and warmth in your look I feel safe with every breath that we took
but safety can only go so far and I caught glance of your wondering look
now it's doubled over pain from something not physical
and I can't seem to understand how someone full of love can be so cold
now it's coming back and trying to fix the crack but crazy glue is just a scam
searching and scanning for anything like a plan
I've never liked the plans you seemed to adore and that's were we fell through
because artificial blood can't replenish everything I lost for you
present day and were both alone with another breathing being and it's not you
we get better and worse with every old verse of songs I would sing to you
you're living now but I feel so dead from all the things that you've done
my favorite flower dies with the wind just as soon as you're gone

and the words that you read
fell onto my bed
that felt every drop of blood that I bled
when I took off the weights
I noticed scotch tape
was just what they were made by
and now the time
leaped backward and sighed
saying "Your mind made those weights not him"

black chipped nail polish
first time regrets
didn't give a ****
I was sharing your breath
tears are not clear
when they're stained on your skin
permanent scratches
only seen from within
deep ******* love poems
tore them to shreds
burnt your stupid finger prints
off of my bed

Don't forget to tell me your favorite song
because that's the last part of you I can hold on to
& when you walk on for good
I hope you know I'll walk the isle
& I'll walk off that cliff
to your favorite song

repetitive words drip off your tongue
and I can't help that you drool in your sleep
but the nonsense to me is complete sense
maybe we sleep talk a different language