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Alicia Nov 2013
I was lost in a storm of emotion  feeding my corrupted thoughts with shouts and shreaks of reality i've been hiding from for so long*
Alicia Nov 2013
Because the truth comes out when you sit there
Wrapped up in your blanket
Staring at your screen talking about what once was
Because at 1:43am you don't worry about what's going on tomorrow
Or what happened yesterday
At 1:43 am you remember what it use to be like
You remember what you seem to crave
And the feeling comes back
And you try to push it away
But at 1:43am feelings don't get pushed away
They become remembered memories
And they swallow you whole
They take you back to places you've tired so hard to forget
Holes you've dug yourself out of
But at 1:43am you find way to fall back into that hole
And you're trapped
Because  at 1:43 am you're to weak to dig yourself out again
And 1:43am is where it begins
Alicia Aug 2020
we meet for the first time over and over
I never left, I sit
watching movies about us on
every park bench we claimed
something about capturing a moment
before it was gone
a quote from this film that would
rock me to sleep
a soft ******/****** assault lullaby
but in between scenes of pain
she is just inbetween
twirling through the surrealism
in ethereal fields, these truly are
The Lovely Bones
before I can remember
I remember
I've been eager to heal
like her
only women and
my mary jane
can make me feel anything
it is no coincidence my favorite color has been green
since birth because
I cannot accept coincidences
instead cling to my superpower
as if its not just a defense mechanism
but as if I have not moved whole houses on my own
I refuse to believe either side
of anything
Alicia Aug 2020
There are days when my emotions
are a small gear being turned
in my brain by a small man
with quick ideas and a sole
purpose to manufacture
he goes away when
rage comes to stay,
the only true connection to
my nervous system
the most familiar face
I finally spoke to it out loud
I never learned love
without pain or sacrifice

I picture the small man
going on vacations
these days I feel
and feel and feel
I am convinced this is the
true nature of how
my brains favorite number is 2
always loving both extremes
boys who are mean and
girls that just do not need me
as much
as men need me
to be sweet and fill their shoes
all shoulder and still
nothing to cry on
Alicia Oct 2017
you were the ******* one
her heart bleeds
she paints every stone blood red
stains every mirror black
kaleidoscope colors are not a metaphor
about the beauty of change anymore
they are the personification of a moment
slipping away with a single twist
you were supposed to be the ******* one
why couldn't we grow together
let our colors bleed together
she never knew the terror of changing colors
she never saw these shades
she can't even create these shades without dying
you are a complete stranger
the only mirror not painted black is pointed to you
a stranger
the kaleidoscope mirrors shatter
the sharpest and most bold colors flying from your tounge
all of them shades of red
all of them stolen from her
all of them dead
why did you ******* leave
why did she let you ******* leave
Alicia Jul 2013
Wake up alone
Bed is cold
Heart is cold
Smile is gone
Hope is gone
I am cold
And you are gone
Alicia Apr 2015
You are nothing short of a fantasy.
The motion pictures in my head are jealous they do not get to call you mine like I do, because the horror in my dreams weep with the thought that it does not have fingers to intertwine with yours. Any vine intertwined without you in the woods is unworthy of growing, because you are every source of light there could possibly be in this world. Try to convince me you do not create the axis this world spins on, and I will not believe you, because you are the foundation to my home of a heart that I have longed to build with you.
Alicia Nov 2015
and an answer
bitter ***** be better
can't cut continue ****
don't do damage dark
electric energy exiting
finding figurative feelings
giving girls gestures
having her hair held
in inches intricately
just jostling judging
**** kinetic kindness
licking like love lives
make more madness mandatory
not new naked nausea
original order opposed
pretty pink particularly painful
quick questions quiet
reflections reproducing resentful
soaked sorrows soothingly
to take time
under universal urge
violent victories
welcoming weapons with whispers
ziplocked zombies
Alicia Nov 2013
To my first love:
     & you were just that. You were the steps that taught me how to walk, but the same ones that taught me how to fall. You were my first kiss, my first shared breath, and my first broken heart. See, you were full of firsts and experiments,but that's all you were , an experiment.
To my next love:
     You were the summer sun, and I was a naive daisy that was star struck by your rays that made me feel alive. Because you, love number two, made our age difference, make me feel like I was on top of the world. With each 'c'mon baby' or 'why not' I fell deeper and deeper into your persistent persuasion.  I was not yet blossomed to my full potential, yet you insisted perfection. And a girl of my maturity would choose starvation over loneliness anyday.
To "Lucky" number three:
     I mean, 3rd times a charm right? That's what I thought too. I thought you were my super hero that was going to heal my bruises (Inside & Out). Don't get me wrong, you did for a while, with your sweet words and innocent looks. But my broken eyes didn't let me see that same look, wasn't just for me. I wasn't enough, I never was. I was enough to quench your thirst, but soon enough my taste became too bland. I mean, who in their right mind would want someone so damaged. Not before long you tossed me like a broken toy, considering that's all I ever really was to you.
To my current love:**
     I don't want you to be just my current love, I want you to be my forever love. I want you to adore my corny idea of love and my dark realizations of life.It's not even that I want you to love me, it's that I need you to love me. I need a security guard to save me from my worst enemy, myself. So to my current love, hold my hand when you see my empty stare and my empty tummy, and tell me it's going to be okay. Make me feel beautiful, forever, because I can't do it on my own.
Alicia Jul 2016
as if burning liquor was not enough, you used the sun to destroy me

as if you forgot it was the hottest weapon we could understand, there you sat me

as if you didn’t recall I was terrified of each shadow that it created 

as if it would be easier to drown me in the dark
as if you knew the light would be too much for me to handle

as if you forgot I was much stronger than that 
as if you knew the struggle would be more punishing than the victory 

as if burning liquor was not enough, you used the sun to destroy me 

much more powerful spoken than read
Alicia May 2019
they say time heals
but every day without you
a piece of me flakes off
i’m dead skin
an ***** once used for protection
now purposeless
sometimes floating through the air
sometimes intertwined in dust bunnies
but always still dead
Alicia Jul 2013
Can I take a vacation
To a place you dont really stay in
To the place where your thoughts reside
To a place that's much like mine

So can I take a vacation
I promise I won't be long
Ill take a peak into your thoughts
To see what you have  been taught

Because what we've learned mustn't be the same
Considering you treat me like I am a game
A board you've been around quite a few times
One you win because of cheats and lies
But see you won't come out on top again
Because now I have more twists and bends
                I've gotten stronger quicker faster
And I'll probably leave you in the dust
Because I've caught on to your lies  and now you lack lust
So goodluck to the next girl you decide play
Because I'm sure she'll catch on and I know she won't stay
Alicia Jun 2013
Your eyes blue like the sea and blue like my veins
Blue with the knowledge we wont be the same
My eyes green like grass and green like a clover
Green with envy and thoughts of you with her
Our eyes both share tears like rain racing down a window
Through our eyes we share the memories that fall below
Memories that can no longer hold us up
Pushed away forever to be tucked
Tucked away like an old file
Stored in both minds for a while
But a while doesn't last as long as it seems
Slowly "a while" dwindles down till the light no longer gleams
A light put out by one stupid choice
Now neither of their ears will hear either voice
Alicia Jan 2014
I find both the comfort and discomfort in a bowl of chocolate ice cream
How I long for an empty stomach
Yet the distinct hint of coco butter seems to go straight to my heart
In every metaphorical way it possibly could
Alicia Feb 2015
in this moment
rare bare mineral
i realize that death
will never be understood
but accepted
only after your
last breath
will we know
if angels will carry
our story
our soul
to a paradise
or if each life
is simply a birthmark
on the skin of this earth
Alicia Jan 2014
my mind over takes the words you spew at me
analyzing and filing each one into the neglected recycle bin
             ­                                        delete
taking me over it engulfs the thought of company
and replaces it with pity
because your  words dont catch my attention
and the little voice that keeps me company doesn't notice you either
your words making me feel even more alone than loneliness itself
you lack passion in your tone and curiosity in your thoughts
and even though the skin covering my body may miss you
my mind has pressed delete
Alicia Feb 2015
done with the I miss you flu
the sickness of the sickest
done with take me back river of tears
white water rafting right out of this place
done with blood stained dager stares
going blind to every promise you made me
done with every part of you
consider me gone
Alicia Sep 2015
heartbreaks like bad breaks
make bad days feel like fate
heartbreaks like new wounds
for more hope to heal soon
heartbreaks like inmates
that do time for mistakes
heartbreaks like small snakes
with fear there but it's fake
heartbreaks like brown dirt
with brown eyes and more hurt
heartbreaks like old men
with old lessons and new men
heartbreaks like better days
that move on in better ways
it gets better
Alicia Nov 2018
i’m no good, femme fatale
i bring hand grenades to dinner dates
beauty icon — kiss my cyanide flavored lip gloss
let’s bump uglies, ******* & rat poison
leave this world left hand *******
right hand intertwined in yours
i’m in a damaged goods costume
take away some letters, my clothes
and i’m just dam good
leaving you on your knees, begging to fix me
begging to **** me
I don’t follow the rules
I use my mouth on you
opened up and emptied out
just to fill me up... with your blood
femme fatale, equipped with fangs
and the ability to not give a ****
an ode to the ***** i used to be, rip

this is more of a spoken word poem
Alicia Nov 2014
you read stanzas to me
about the beauty
of the top of the trees
and how every creature would make me
their queen if I'd let em'
but when I opened the page
to the non fiction scene
I read words of you
with a gun
killing every living one
that was suppose to adore me
and while I climbed the trees
you put ankle weights on me
making it so **** hard
to reach my dreams
Alicia Nov 2014
and the words that you read
fell onto my bed
that felt every drop of blood that I bled
when I took off the weights
I noticed scotch tape
was just what they were made by
and now the time
leaped backward and sighed
saying "Your mind made those weights not him"
read my fiction pt.1 previous to this
Alicia Jan 2016
I can not find the way back home
I am walking through a dreary and desolated forest
alone, on a path that guides me to seemingly eternal darkness
On this journey, I bump into a disturbed reality
rooted in the ground like an old somber tree
It is a sentence, reading an aching truth
"Thirteen year old little boys do **** themselves."
Terrified, I continue on my way
All alone, or so I think
The face of a ghost or maybe a memory
creates a single hue lighter than the darkness
It is that thirteen year old boy
he comes with a name and a presence engulfed by sadness
I walk through this boy that blocks the path
He gives me no direction, no answers
only recognition
Through him I see the only light on this lonely path
Through him only, I will find my way back home
it has been a very long week, but writing helps this tragedy feel a little more bearable
Alicia Nov 2013
Go ahead
Throw your knees on the ground
Fold your hands in your lap
and tell me when your prayers
fix your wicked life
and maybe your god above
will send you a wakeup call
That the evil in your eyes
and the hatred in your words
isn't so saint like now is it
So tell me again
Is that cross on your neck
going to make you decide
not to gun down my confidence tomorrow?
Or is it really just a mask
to hide your cynical intent
Because a girl with good "faith"
can be nothing but good right?
Alicia Feb 2014
don't want what you have to give me
don't want what's in your hand
because what you have to give me
just sits there on a stand
a stand of  easy breathing
and a sign that reads "take one"
but I hate easy breathing
so I choose to take none
from a bowl full with affection
overflowing as we speak
but this one sided bowl of affection
hears no words coming from me
so when you ask about the glass
Half empty or half full
I say "take another look at the glass"
it only belongs to you
Alicia Jan 2014
Midnight and my heads under the covers
Typing away
Hiding the light of this cracked screen
Hiding the light in my words
He can't know I'm happy
but my words spew out
Because I went from the glass being empty
to my core being full
of a feeling that scares the **** out of me
It scares my skin
And my goose bumps don't come up
just because I'm cold
My body doesnt know how to react
So I cry
being the only thing I've ever known how to do
But to cry you have to breathe
So that means I'm still alive
And I remind myself that these tears
aren't an over flow anymore
they're tears of joy
And I never really thought that was a real thing
But I didn't think love was a real thing either
well I didn't think it was real for me
Because I use to think breaths weren't meant for me
but now I think you're meant for me
And I've never trusted a thought of mine
more than I do now
Alicia Aug 2018
I look for you in his blanket stares
easily glancing past his flesh hungry fangs
tonight I'm not food
I can't be

it is mid July but I am shivering from December's past
holding onto subtle soft gazes
as if they weren't just accidents
as if they weren't the moment before a blink
when you're really not forming an emotion
I hold on to those as if after the blink your eyes are not ravenous
to me those are December eyes
to me those are not his eyes
I beg for them to be your eyes
soft even when they're wide open

but it is warm and his eyes are sharp
and I am the effortless hunt
I wandered, wounded to his doorstep
and although he was still full from dinner
I became a routine late night snack

haven't even thought about writing in months but this poem literally just leaped out of my heart cavity
Alicia Nov 2013
I am four
I am my first lost tooth
I am based on positivity
while lacking creativity
I am four
& I am not me yet
I am eight
I am a jump rope in the driveway
I am learning
but not worrying
I am eight
& I am not me yet
I am twelve
I am no longer tiny
I am the hush whisper of names
Names I don't know the meaning of yet
I am twelve
& I am becoming me
I am thirteen
I am the latest fad
I am losing myself
more & more each day
I am thirteen
& I am searching for me
I am fifteen
I am a broken heart
I am a fake smile
painted on the surface
I am no longer good enough
I am alone in my own mind
But not on the outside
On the outside
I am a friend
I am happy
I am a leader to those
that  choose to follow
But on the inside
I am trapped
I am being swallowed by
my endless thoughts
I am fifteen
& I have lost myself completely
Alicia Feb 2015
koolaid days
you and i
we could stop time
sugar and a smile
broken glasses
who can run the fastest
***** nights
lost my fight
sugar and a smile
coffee is different as a child
fast cars fast hearts
sugar and a smile
new drink don't blink
i drink coffee now
Alicia Jul 2014
black chipped nail polish
first time regrets
didn't give a ****
I was sharing your breath
tears are not clear
when they're stained on your skin
permanent scratches
only seen from within
deep ******* love poems
tore them to shreds
burnt your stupid finger prints
off of my bed
haven't written in awhile
Alicia Nov 2017
with your warm eyes and crooked smile
I picture you saying "come home, we've both had a long week, your side of the bed is waiting for you"

it has been 32 long weeks with no call home but still everyday I wait for the phone to ring
Alicia Jan 2014
The silence is killing me
I'm going insane
Make a noise, save me
Bring back the rain
I can't take the quiet
it's driving me mad
Shout at me, screech at me
till your lungs go bad
The darkness is scaring me
its making me shake
Shine a light, make it bright
before my eyes start to ache
My pupils are growing
at a dangerous speed
Larger and larger
they take over me  
But in place the silence
takes over
and the darkness seems
to grow
You couldn't save my body
I've already fallen below
Alicia Dec 2013
It's broken
throw it away
It's dead
Bury it
It's  hurt
it's no  good
It's odd
get rid of it
It's weak
it's no use
I can only
What're you
going to do
with me
I am all
of these

Alicia Aug 2020
******* at the funeral
poison women aching in their parallel
they drink until Juliet is dead
or until in their head too
it is clear
free of fear and recalling
this was always supposed to be a tragedy

no left or right turn
changes that everything, even love
begins and ends with some type of poison
the slowly dripping IV type
a sudden break check
dash to face type of poison

the Juliets' love only exists on one page
allowed to live if the real goal
is to die
smoke breaks, goodbyes
the ever too consistent "I'll see you arounds"
that is the point of a tragedy
it gets to claim the reason for existing
and the entire existence itself

Juliet drinks the poison every night
even after the man in the hole warned me
her love feeds on the liver
while the others begin to fade out
Alicia Feb 2015
move your hips
be a girl
c'mon more skin
less nervous
"like a girl"
from an insult
to an idealistic reality
c'mon baby
be provacative
Alicia Nov 2015
I bet you miss her
maybe for her tiny tummy
or how her eyes were brighter than mine
your shirt was hers before you gave it to me
sometimes you might still see her in it
maybe no matter how beautiful you want to think I am
you miss her in that shirt
little things like dinner time or winter time or anytime
you'll catch a scent of her
maybe it'll be how her clothes smelt like a florist shop or how her tiny socks looked on top of the dryer after playing in the snow
a song reminds you of how she could sing out of key absolutely perfectly  and then you look at me and think
I do miss her
this I have came to know
you'll think to yourself regretfully
why did  I stop and let her go
im kinda sad, and it's kinda midnight so here's this
Alicia Dec 2013
Finding the beauty
in a
exit sign
Taking me
Pulling me
Spoken through
The road
Alicia Dec 2017
missing you is like being addicted to drugs but the kind of addiction that starts off in the hospital
with every intention to heal
the one that leaves you to sleep with your cold sweats and cravings
having you and then having to miss you was the same kind of addiction that will keep getting you high until it kills you
— take one pill by mouth until the bottle grows legs and leaves you

Alicia Nov 2013
When your own soul gives up on you,
you know there's truly no one left
Some will describe it as empty,
I describe it like a tree in the fall time
The tree has leaves, and the leaves are a part of the tree
Now slowly the tree loses their leaves no matter how hard it might try to hold on
One bye one or two by two, a leaf falls,
and that tree loses what makes it, what it is
The only difference between a tree and its leaves,
and a body and it's soul
is that the tree can grow its leaves back
once your body has emptied its soul, it is lost
You are lost
Alicia Nov 2013
it's like those dreams when you're falling off a cliff but with your eyes open*
Alicia Dec 2013
Fake a smile for me please
Because my cheeks are getting sore
Just let me rest a while
Until you walk out that door
Babe I can't really take it
You know how wrong you are
If you don't have an apology, fake it
And then you can take the car
Make love to me for one last night
And maybe it'll spark a fuze
Maybe it'll make your **** up right
And maybe, again, I'll love you
Alicia Feb 2014
heavy eyes
      treating the blue skies
as their demise
        a lot like a knife
taking a life
        of something not alive
Alicia Aug 2020
I play house wife
for a place to rest my head
just another hole in the wall
that's not how the song goes
a rich friend wants to die
and the world wants to **** us
heightened magical beliefs when
everyone is afraid
everything that seemed
unreal is familiar
it is coming to life today
to take us away
or not but either way
I am on my last layer
the gas station pit stop
just before ****** boot to floor
no outlet sign
doesn't mean stop
because its been "**** the cops!"
**** the clock
and all things that **** people who
don't want to die
this parallel told me
"run, get out"
yesterday, or sometime ago
you know how similars confuse me
gasping for purified air
with the smell of death stuck to my hair
and I ******* swear
I'm getting out of here
Alicia Mar 2015
the universe whispered in your ear tonight
telling you that I loved you, before I got the chance
through shooting stars and constellations
it uttered words my lips were too timid to speak
tears cascade along my cheeks for every emotion
there are buckets filled with our past
poured upon our heads to remind and refresh
cleaning our wounds from broken record paper cuts
from broken record people, promising unrealistic lies
but simplicity of a soul brought me to you
and the sky spelled out our name in empathy
for we ride the stars to an oasis of something new
blossoming and forming flowers of words you're too scared to say
but the cracks in our petals of speech
do no good up against the universe
because it is the universe that confirms
the dark is darker without you
my heart beats louder around you
and all of me, is in love with you
the stars made me say it
Alicia Dec 2013
Hand me another gift sweetheat
How sincere
I adore the idea of materializing our love
Or is it even love
Or lust
Or anything but lonliness
Because I don't like cold sheets
& neither do you
But I think we both know
The sheets are always cold
Cold with the thought
That maybe it's not the sheets
It's us*
Alicia Nov 2017
now begins the sensory portion of this practice, create a picture in your head of each item listed within the series

pine tree

breathe in
we are decorating the 3 foot tree we rescused from a goodwill store near our home
breathe out
some of the lights don't work but it never bothered you much, you just loved that it was ours
breathe in
we keep the lights on because you like the shadows they make on the walls at night
breathe out
I stay awake all night looking at the broken lights
breathe in
you find a way to fix the lights but it is only temporary and soon they fade
breathe out
i don't know how or why but I can feel the lights become dimmer each day
breathe in
you say the dim lights give good contrast to the room
breathe out
I hate those ******* lights
breathe in
breathe out

I don't hear any other words from the instructor
For the remainder of the practice I am in our bed, staring at the broken lights

this now concludes this session begin to return your breath to it's natural state and  reconnect with the scene around you
Alicia Nov 2013
Its midnight again
You count
It's the twelfth midnight you've spent like this
Because you cant seem to remember what the back of your eyelids look like at this time
But you remember too well how it feels for them to be soaked
You remember time before you started counting
When your midnights were spent intertwined in the sheets
Sharing midnight with your lover
But now its the twelfth midnight you've spent under cold sheets
In a cold room
With cold thoughts of the chance of a thirteenth midnight
Alicia Dec 2013
not able to think
but able to write
because my fingers are working
while my brain is sleeping
but "your brain never stops"
that's what I thought
until my mind went blank
and my hands didn't stop
adapting a mind of their own
contantly writing
without thinking
because my mind is numb
and I am dead
but my hands are alive
typing and writing
not sure where my mind went
but my hands
they're telling my story
without  my consent
without my consciousness
without a breath between words
or thoughts
because my thoughts are gone
and now belong to my hands
and I am gone
but I still stand
with my body numb
and my mind blank
while my hands carry on
shes gone, written by her hands
Alicia Oct 2013
When I see a new face I take their look
Their expression
Their posture
Their eyes
& use them to write a story
Creating a life in which I think they live
While my mind wanders, contemplating their experiences I make up for them
The second  hardest part is not knowing if I am ever close
If I tell their story correctly
If I read their eyes right
Read their look right
The hardest part is not knowing if
Their look or expression is in all reality a cry for help
A cry hoping that only a wandering mind can save them
Alicia Nov 2018
fishnet qualities
only giving a **** about *******
always plucking skin from my teeth
sewing them together
my leatherface trophy for happiness
a mask worn, disguised as lust driven love
unknowing victims
cutting their own hearts out for me
a symbol for the empty cage, the broken door, the night mine walked right out of my chest
not stolen, or given, just tired and ready to leave
I let it go, without a goodbye
put on my fishnets
and welcomed lust for dinner
& we back
Alicia Oct 2013
I was addicted to something much worse than drugs
I was addicted to you
& I was in so deep, there was no escaping
& the rehab you called rebounds were always temperary
because getting clean from you  was always followed by a relapse
It started with a hit & then I was back
because my skin craved you like a smoker craves nicotine
But there's no patches or pills to save me from falling in love with something
So dangerous
Because it's just a matter of time till my blood runs out of what it needs to work my heart
the wrong way, also known as the only way I know
& I end up needing every ounce of you back in my system
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