koolaid days
you and i
we could stop time
sugar and a smile
broken glasses
who can run the fastest
***** nights
lost my fight
sugar and a smile
coffee is different as a child
fast cars fast hearts
sugar and a smile
new drink don't blink
i drink coffee now

Can I take a vacation
To a place you dont really stay in
To the place where your thoughts reside
To a place that's much like mine

So can I take a vacation
I promise I won't be long
Ill take a peak into your thoughts
To see what you have  been taught

Because what we've learned mustn't be the same
Considering you treat me like I am a game
A board you've been around quite a few times
One you win because of cheats and lies
But see you won't come out on top again
Because now I have more twists and bends
                I've gotten stronger quicker faster
And I'll probably leave you in the dust
Because I've caught on to your lies  and now you lack lust
So goodluck to the next girl you decide play
Because I'm sure she'll catch on and I know she won't stay

heartbreaks like bad breaks
make bad days feel like fate
heartbreaks like new wounds
for more hope to heal soon
heartbreaks like inmates
that do time for mistakes
heartbreaks like small snakes
with fear there but it's fake
heartbreaks like brown dirt
with brown eyes and more hurt
heartbreaks like old men
with old lessons and new men
heartbreaks like better days
that move on in better ways

I find both the comfort and discomfort in a bowl of chocolate ice cream
How I long for an empty stomach
Yet the distinct hint of coco butter seems to go straight to my heart
In every metaphorical way it possibly could
a.m

it's like those dreams when you're falling off a cliff but with your eyes open*
a.m.

trembling, she buttoned up each catch to hide the melody burned into her skin

my ramona

set free too long ago
a song sent to be heard only in twilight

your face has new lines — none of which sing
these are straighter, without rhythm
you have been reconstructed into a sketch
a new art claims your body
a new artist claims your body

why do you let your canvas have such a possessive audience?

beauty leaks from your ballads
you are not a pen stroke

my ramona

a.m.

these days without a dad are strange
in ways I wish I cared more about
things are suddenly easy to let go of
when you are tired and
you finally loosen your grip,
an ode to visceral reactions
things are simple to never need back
if nothing seems real
in the first place
it's never even that deep
just that picturing a future
seems more like
getting hopes up
there is an important distinction
to be separate from  "looking forward to something"
life grows disheartened when these two are confused
used too closely to tell
is this realism? or a ****** distraction
from the fact that
I wouldn't mind dying

To my first love:
     & you were just that. You were the steps that taught me how to walk, but the same ones that taught me how to fall. You were my first kiss, my first shared breath, and my first broken heart. See, you were full of firsts and experiments,but that's all you were , an experiment.
To my next love:
     You were the summer sun, and I was a naive daisy that was star struck by your rays that made me feel alive. Because you, love number two, made our age difference, make me feel like I was on top of the world. With each 'c'mon baby' or 'why not' I fell deeper and deeper into your persistent persuasion.  I was not yet blossomed to my full potential, yet you insisted perfection. And a girl of my maturity would choose starvation over loneliness anyday.
To "Lucky" number three:
     I mean, 3rd times a charm right? That's what I thought too. I thought you were my super hero that was going to heal my bruises (Inside & Out). Don't get me wrong, you did for a while, with your sweet words and innocent looks. But my broken eyes didn't let me see that same look, wasn't just for me. I wasn't enough, I never was. I was enough to quench your thirst, but soon enough my taste became too bland. I mean, who in their right mind would want someone so damaged. Not before long you tossed me like a broken toy, considering that's all I ever really was to you.
To my current love:**
     I don't want you to be just my current love, I want you to be my forever love. I want you to adore my corny idea of love and my dark realizations of life.It's not even that I want you to love me, it's that I need you to love me. I need a security guard to save me from my worst enemy, myself. So to my current love, hold my hand when you see my empty stare and my empty tummy, and tell me it's going to be okay. Make me feel beautiful, forever, because I can't do it on my own.
a.m.

Hand me another gift sweetheat
How sincere
I adore the idea of materializing our love
Or is it even love
Or lust
Or anything but lonliness
Because I don't like cold sheets
& neither do you
But I think we both know
The sheets are always cold
Cold with the thought
That maybe it's not the sheets
It's us*
a.m.

im am now undesirably  happy
I was once desirably unhappy
but with sadness came comfort
self pity became my favorite sweater
and now overzealous joy is the cardigan  I thought I would never wear
in the back of my closet, where I wish it would have stayed
change came in every season
winter was now spring
how I longed for the snow
underneath my sorrow was ability
ability to understand
now understanding slowly slipped
from my finger tips
so do not gaze at me with a confused and disapproving glare
while you sip from your every morning coffee
containing precisely three sugars
and two creams

be PROVACATIVE
baby
move your hips
baby
be a girl
baby
c'mon more skin
less nervous
systematic
"like a girl"
from an insult
to an idealistic reality
c'mon baby
be provacative

the sunsets and the sun rises
creating each day and each night
and not once does it ask permission
the night will still be pink with light pollution
because of the single office illuminators,
found in every breathing building
the night shift family I never met,
will still glow behind little screens
or candle light thought bubbles and ink
the morning will still spill coffee all over him
but only on mondays, when he’s running late
mondays will always come
sunday mornings will still petition against alarm clocks
and sunday, hereself, will always win
it will rain and it won’t
either way, without me
a.m.

You get high to create a new reality of this **** you call life
You get money anyway you can because you need cash to fuel your addiction
You get angry because you get caught and your new found reality gets torn to pieces
You feel suffocated because the only way you know how to breathe is through smoke
You grow depressed because the only company you had was your broken thoughts
But sometimes it's not only you that gets affected
While you get high, the ones closest to you become confused
While you sell and steal, your little sister wonders why her mommys ring is in your drawer
While you get angry your mom gets scared because she just lost her little boy
While you  grow depressed your parents grow apart because they feel like they've failed
While you ruin your life
you ruin everyone else
you smash and break and scrape
and you bring every one down to where you are
because if you think your restless nights and paranoia is bad
think about what everyone else goes through
just so you can ease your pain with a temporary healer
your parents feel like failiers
your siblings feel so lost and unprotected
and you
you feel bad for yourself because you lost your high
because with withdrawal it brings selfishness
and you feel like you're going crazy
well try losing your mind
because you failed at the one job you had
just take a minute
look at it through something other than than self pity
use a new perspective
maybe just use some heart
because when you lost yourself
you lost everyone around you too
a.m.

don't want what you have to give me
don't want what's in your hand
because what you have to give me
just sits there on a stand
a stand of  easy breathing
and a sign that reads "take one"
but I hate easy breathing
so I choose to take none
from a bowl full with affection
overflowing as we speak
but this one sided bowl of affection
hears no words coming from me
so when you ask about the glass
Half empty or half full
I say "take another look at the glass"
it only belongs to you

Slowly Slipping Sailing Soaring
subtle movement of my subconscious
Dripping Dangling Dropping Downwards
diligently losing my dancing dreams
Patiently Perceiving Passing Persistence
pretending to be what is perceived
constantly categorized can't continue
Slowly Slipping Sailing Soaring

my mind over takes the words you spew at me
analyzing and filing each one into the neglected recycle bin
                                          click
             ­                                        delete
                                           click
                                                      delet­e
taking me over it engulfs the thought of company
and replaces it with pity
because your  words dont catch my attention
and the little voice that keeps me company doesn't notice you either
your words making me feel even more alone than loneliness itself
you lack passion in your tone and curiosity in your thoughts
and even though the skin covering my body may miss you
my mind has pressed delete

and an answer
bitter ***** be better
can't cut continue ****
don't do damage dark
electric energy exiting
finding figurative feelings
giving girls gestures
having her hair held
in inches intricately
just jostling judging
**** kinetic kindness
licking like love lives
make more madness mandatory
not new naked nausea
original order opposed
pretty pink particularly painful
quick questions quiet
reflections reproducing resentful
soaked sorrows soothingly
to take time
under universal urge
violent victories
welcoming weapons with whispers
xenophobic
ziplocked zombies

Now we're both strangers in our old lovers body
Full of forgotten conversation and that thought in the back of our heads
Because I know your mask is slipping and we both want to bring up past memories
But our tounge leaves them on the tip to be a sudden reminder that we can't shake
But we do shake it just like we shake hands and a lot like how our bodies use to shake
And then we walk along feeling more pain than the first time we said goodbye

You look like poetry walking
The most beautiful kind about the summer time and expensive wine

I wish I could write the way your body felt against mine using your textured tongue to stop time

All your ugly turns to delicate words from lips that takes turns on my hip bones then burns a novel into my skin

I wish I could share your story like one before bedtime as a child
Before my soul became wild like the flowers you shower me in

Your love makes me forget every part I wish I couldn't feel like a healer in the body of a king

I wish I could use each stanza of your mind to thank you for every time that you gave me a reason to breathe

Eyes leaking
Shaking, shivering
but the worst part is you have to be silent
You have to stay strong for other eyes are on yours
Theirs too leaking, pouring
Your strength is their platform
but when your spotlight is gone and it is dark
You're weak
Quietly engulfing yourself in your own emotion
Waiting for the day when you reach your breaking point
When your eyes leak so much that they overflow
With your eyes, your lungs and heart follow
Slowly overflowing, slowly filling to the top of what use to be a beautiful body
That has now been corrupt with fake smiles and silent outbreaks

the universe whispered in your ear tonight
telling you that I loved you, before I got the chance
through shooting stars and constellations
it uttered words my lips were too timid to speak
tears cascade along my cheeks for every emotion
there are buckets filled with our past
poured upon our heads to remind and refresh
cleaning our wounds from broken record paper cuts
from broken record people, promising unrealistic lies
but simplicity of a soul brought me to you
and the sky spelled out our name in empathy
for we ride the stars to an oasis of something new
blossoming and forming flowers of words you're too scared to say
but the cracks in our petals of speech
do no good up against the universe
because it is the universe that confirms
the dark is darker without you
my heart beats louder around you
and all of me, is in love with you

I can not find the way back home
I am walking through a dreary and desolated forest
alone, on a path that guides me to seemingly eternal darkness
On this journey, I bump into a disturbed reality
rooted in the ground like an old somber tree
It is a sentence, reading an aching truth
"Thirteen year old little boys do **** themselves."
Terrified, I continue on my way
All alone, or so I think
The face of a ghost or maybe a memory
creates a single hue lighter than the darkness
It is that thirteen year old boy
he comes with a name and a presence engulfed by sadness
I walk through this boy that blocks the path
He gives me no direction, no answers
only recognition
Through him I see the only light on this lonely path
Through him only, I will find my way back home

Lets take a seat on cloud
Because that's were my heads at anyways
You know you have me soaring
When you talk to me in all the right ways
Don't get me wrong, you know wrong too
But I seem to block that out
Because when I'm in the sky, I only see you
And for once I have everything figured out
So take my hand and we'll jump to the ground
And have a picnic on the Earth
Then your touch will fly me to outer space
Which is the feeling I crave worst
Because while you're gone , trust me I don't forget
How it feels to be loved
And sometimes ,even my thoughts
Can take me up above

i’m no good, femme fatale
i bring hand grenades to dinner dates
beauty icon — kiss my cyanide flavored lip gloss
let’s bump uglies, ******* & rat poison
leave this world left hand *******
right hand intertwined in yours
i’m in a damaged goods costume
take away some letters, my clothes
and i’m just dam good
leaving you on your knees, begging to fix me
begging to **** me
I don’t follow the rules
I use my mouth on you
opened up and emptied out
just to fill me up... with your blood
femme fatale, equipped with fangs
and the ability to not give a ****

Your eyes blue like the sea and blue like my veins
Blue with the knowledge we wont be the same
My eyes green like grass and green like a clover
Green with envy and thoughts of you with her
Our eyes both share tears like rain racing down a window
Through our eyes we share the memories that fall below
Memories that can no longer hold us up
Pushed away forever to be tucked
Tucked away like an old file
Stored in both minds for a while
But a while doesn't last as long as it seems
Slowly "a while" dwindles down till the light no longer gleams
A light put out by one stupid choice
Now neither of their ears will hear either voice

all of the worst things are compared to broken glass
so when my cup of tea shattered in every metaphorical way possible, I was not startled that you
"glued me back together "
when my life flew off the handle
because it simply got too hot
I did not burn my fingers, I just dropped the mug
every verse of poetry that contained the "I AMs" I related to the
I AM sad, lost, lonely, just holding ons
because now words were my constant flow, like a river
or any other clichè
I carried on to an ocean of possibility with you by my side
or just in sight
A God amongst men, like Janus appearing and opening the door to opportunity, to new love, to the precise definition of moving forward
because within each ray of your sunshine, was another freckle scattered on my smiling cheeks

heavy eyes
      treating the blue skies
as their demise
        a lot like a knife
taking a life
        of something not alive

I was addicted to something much worse than drugs
I was addicted to you
& I was in so deep, there was no escaping
& the rehab you called rebounds were always temperary
because getting clean from you  was always followed by a relapse
It started with a hit & then I was back
because my skin craved you like a smoker craves nicotine
But there's no patches or pills to save me from falling in love with something
So dangerous
Because it's just a matter of time till my blood runs out of what it needs to work my heart
the wrong way, also known as the only way I know
& I end up needing every ounce of you back in my system

The taste of your lips was almost as good as the last sip at the  bottom of the bottle
But the difference is I can forget that
Your words were almost as sweet as the coating on my pills
But atleast those were there to make me better
Your look was almost as bright as the sunrise
But I still see that daily
And your goodbye was almost as great as the scars
Both of which I feel forever

in this moment
rare bare mineral
emotion
i realize that death
will never be understood
but accepted
only after your
               my
                    our
last breath
will we know
if angels will carry
our story
our soul
to a paradise
or if each life
is simply a birthmark
on the skin of this earth

It's like a game
You steal my happiness
I throw mine in your face
You steal it once again
We play tug 'o' war
But now you're running away
With my happiness
& without me all together

I do not understand why my shell is stronger than my soul
every single subconscious want is stuck in an eternal state of escape
slowly clawing away at my energy field
even the conscious thoughts I udder now are a work of my frontal lobe
a combination of fat and water that will one day be just that
what will it take for this exponentially real self of mine to erupt
too long I have sat in a puddle of this realization, this discomfort,
waiting
I am living as a shell of a person
stuck in a continuum of who I am and who I want to be
in this other reality, everything is an unexplored field
I am on a new level each time I turn the corner
no longer are there restraints
no longer do I feel this pain
my mind is not stuck in this body because I am my mind
I am my experience and that of which is experiencing me is my soul
soon drifting I become every electrical impulse,
and all of which is uncharged at the same time
no longer am I woman or even human
I am what is, what is not, and what always has been
now infinite, I escape

repetitive words drip off your tongue
and I can't help that you drool in your sleep
but the nonsense to me is complete sense
maybe we sleep talk a different language

forrest fires in my head put out by your punctuation
because your pause between sentences feel just as comforting a your body close to mine
a savior in black and white written in galaxies before concepts of color were strewn about
the simplest shared breath took trajedy from terminal, to taking it one step at a time
safety cuffs on criminals with broken hearts as our only crime
we look to you to save us
and I was the lucky convict to catch your inquiring glance

yesterday we are here, giggling to each other about the gentle sleep noises we make, an entire night sky rests easy while I'm in your arms

tonight you are gone, I am wearing your sweater to bed, clutching the love notes you wrote me, there is rain and loud thunder while I scream

tomorrow I do not know where I am, I smell of liquor as I get tangled in a stranger that I will never speak to again, everything is dull and the people I walk by when I leave are faceless

Everyday after it is pitch black and pure white all at once, there is a single bench that I sit on, waiting for yesterday

you were the ******* one
her heart bleeds
she paints every stone blood red
stains every mirror black
kaleidoscope colors are not a metaphor
about the beauty of change anymore
they are the personification of a moment
slipping away with a single twist
you were supposed to be the ******* one
why couldn't we grow together
let our colors bleed together
she never knew the terror of changing colors
she never saw these shades
she can't even create these shades without dying
you are a complete stranger
the only mirror not painted black is pointed to you
a stranger
the kaleidoscope mirrors shatter
the sharpest and most bold colors flying from your tounge
all of them shades of red
all of them stolen from her
all of them dead

Fake a smile for me please
Because my cheeks are getting sore
Just let me rest a while
Until you walk out that door
Babe I can't really take it
You know how wrong you are
If you don't have an apology, fake it
And then you can take the car
Make love to me for one last night
And maybe it'll spark a fuze
Maybe it'll make your **** up right
And maybe, again, I'll love you
a.m.

& thats when  realized I never really grew up
Im the same confused little girl
Just now a band-aide and a popsicle
isn't going to heal me
It's going to take a mended heart
& forgotten memories
to fix the scars
a.m.

I had taken two steps farther again hoping you would notice the distance, but this time I fell off a cliff screaming for you to ask me to stay . I was floating, wondering, “if I died when I hit the ground would the bruises of my past hurt more than being gone?” I couldn’t decide so I just let myself fall. I was looking up to every sharp edge of my life that I had created as my body twirled through the air. I’m not sure why I couldn’t form any thought but “I wish I would have worn shoes, I always hated that my second toe was longer than my first”. Next thing I could remember was you shaking me. I could not figure out when I had reached the ground. You kept saying “please stay”, it was as if your voice was on some sort of prerecord loop. I had needed to hear those words for so long that when you finally spoke them I didn’t understand. How could you not keep your eyes open long enough to see I had been slowly walking away for quite some time. Why did it take the distant thud of my body hitting the ground to catch your attention? You had to realize; you are my only home. I had hoped for so long that you would remember to repair the roof and paint the walls that shade of yellow we loved. But the only bedroom that wasn’t falling apart was the one where you laid your head as you dreamt, and I wept.