don't want what you have to give me
don't want what's in your hand
because what you have to give me
just sits there on a stand
a stand of  easy breathing
and a sign that reads "take one"
but I hate easy breathing
so I choose to take none
from a bowl full with affection
overflowing as we speak
but this one sided bowl of affection
hears no words coming from me
so when you ask about the glass
Half empty or half full
I say "take another look at the glass"
it only belongs to you

heavy eyes
      treating the blue skies
as their demise
        a lot like a knife
taking a life
        of something not alive

Sit there silent but you want to scream
you're pouring your drink past the brim and it's bound to spill
you spill more than you poured ending up more than empty
you tried to keep the lid on for too long
And now you're bad you're going worse than ever
And you're leaking
a never ending dripping sensation of emptiness
But how can you be empty when you're dripping of a feeling worse than emptiness itself

Now we're both strangers in our old lovers body
Full of forgotten conversation and that thought in the back of our heads
Because I know your mask is slipping and we both want to bring up past memories
But our tounge leaves them on the tip to be a sudden reminder that we can't shake
But we do shake it just like we shake hands and a lot like how our bodies use to shake
And then we walk along feeling more pain than the first time we said goodbye

my mind over takes the words you spew at me
analyzing and filing each one into the neglected recycle bin
                                          click
             ­                                        delete
                                           click
                                                      delet­e
taking me over it engulfs the thought of company
and replaces it with pity
because your  words dont catch my attention
and the little voice that keeps me company doesn't notice you either
your words making me feel even more alone than loneliness itself
you lack passion in your tone and curiosity in your thoughts
and even though the skin covering my body may miss you
my mind has pressed delete

I find both the comfort and discomfort in a bowl of chocolate ice cream
How I long for an empty stomach
Yet the distinct hint of coco butter seems to go straight to my heart
In every metaphorical way it possibly could
a.m

It's like a game
You steal my happiness
I throw mine in your face
You steal it once again
We play tug 'o' war
But now you're running away
With my happiness
& without me all together

It's tough when the only inspiration you thought you had, is broken too

not able to think
but able to write
because my fingers are working
while my brain is sleeping
but "your brain never stops"
that's what I thought
until my mind went blank
and my hands didn't stop
adapting a mind of their own
contantly writing
without thinking
because my mind is numb
and I am dead
but my hands are alive
typing and writing
not sure where my mind went
but my hands
they're telling my story
without  my consent
without my consciousness
without a breath between words
or thoughts
because my thoughts are gone
and now belong to my hands
and I am gone
but I still stand
with my body numb
and my mind blank
while my hands carry on

Lets take a seat on cloud
Because that's were my heads at anyways
You know you have me soaring
When you talk to me in all the right ways
Don't get me wrong, you know wrong too
But I seem to block that out
Because when I'm in the sky, I only see you
And for once I have everything figured out
So take my hand and we'll jump to the ground
And have a picnic on the Earth
Then your touch will fly me to outer space
Which is the feeling I crave worst
Because while you're gone , trust me I don't forget
How it feels to be loved
And sometimes ,even my thoughts
Can take me up above

In all reality my broken wing isn't what's keeping me from flying , it's the idea of flying in general

Finding the beauty
in a
lonely
exit sign
Taking me
Pulling me
With
Soft
Sweet
Words
Spoken through
The road

Hand me another gift sweetheat
How sincere
I adore the idea of materializing our love
Or is it even love
Or lust
Or anything but lonliness
Because I don't like cold sheets
& neither do you
But I think we both know
The sheets are always cold
Cold with the thought
That maybe it's not the sheets
It's us*
a.m.

Fake a smile for me please
Because my cheeks are getting sore
Just let me rest a while
Until you walk out that door
Babe I can't really take it
You know how wrong you are
If you don't have an apology, fake it
And then you can take the car
Make love to me for one last night
And maybe it'll spark a fuze
Maybe it'll make your **** up right
And maybe, again, I'll love you
a.m.

Tell me baby do you love her
Because let go of my hand if you do
Don't tell me baby that you love me
Because I can see it in your eyes, I lost you
a.m.

& right then she tore those pages out of the past & started to write again
a.m.

she let out a sigh that lingered through the air & shattered the atmosphere like broken glass*
a.m.

To my first love:
     & you were just that. You were the steps that taught me how to walk, but the same ones that taught me how to fall. You were my first kiss, my first shared breath, and my first broken heart. See, you were full of firsts and experiments,but that's all you were , an experiment.
To my next love:
     You were the summer sun, and I was a naive daisy that was star struck by your rays that made me feel alive. Because you, love number two, made our age difference, make me feel like I was on top of the world. With each 'c'mon baby' or 'why not' I fell deeper and deeper into your persistent persuasion.  I was not yet blossomed to my full potential, yet you insisted perfection. And a girl of my maturity would choose starvation over loneliness anyday.
To "Lucky" number three:
     I mean, 3rd times a charm right? That's what I thought too. I thought you were my super hero that was going to heal my bruises (Inside & Out). Don't get me wrong, you did for a while, with your sweet words and innocent looks. But my broken eyes didn't let me see that same look, wasn't just for me. I wasn't enough, I never was. I was enough to quench your thirst, but soon enough my taste became too bland. I mean, who in their right mind would want someone so damaged. Not before long you tossed me like a broken toy, considering that's all I ever really was to you.
To my current love:**
     I don't want you to be just my current love, I want you to be my forever love. I want you to adore my corny idea of love and my dark realizations of life.It's not even that I want you to love me, it's that I need you to love me. I need a security guard to save me from my worst enemy, myself. So to my current love, hold my hand when you see my empty stare and my empty tummy, and tell me it's going to be okay. Make me feel beautiful, forever, because I can't do it on my own.
a.m.

Sometimes I wish the monsters underneath my  bed
would come out and creep and crawl
and scare away the monsters in my head
Because sharp teeth and horns
are nothing compared to my thoughts
a.m.

it's like those dreams when you're falling off a cliff but with your eyes open*
a.m.

I was lost in a storm of emotion  feeding my corrupted thoughts with shouts and shreaks of reality i've been hiding from for so long*
a.m.

& thats when  realized I never really grew up
Im the same confused little girl
Just now a band-aide and a popsicle
isn't going to heal me
It's going to take a mended heart
& forgotten memories
to fix the scars
a.m.

You get high to create a new reality of this **** you call life
You get money anyway you can because you need cash to fuel your addiction
You get angry because you get caught and your new found reality gets torn to pieces
You feel suffocated because the only way you know how to breathe is through smoke
You grow depressed because the only company you had was your broken thoughts
But sometimes it's not only you that gets affected
While you get high, the ones closest to you become confused
While you sell and steal, your little sister wonders why her mommys ring is in your drawer
While you get angry your mom gets scared because she just lost her little boy
While you  grow depressed your parents grow apart because they feel like they've failed
While you ruin your life
you ruin everyone else
you smash and break and scrape
and you bring every one down to where you are
because if you think your restless nights and paranoia is bad
think about what everyone else goes through
just so you can ease your pain with a temporary healer
your parents feel like failiers
your siblings feel so lost and unprotected
and you
you feel bad for yourself because you lost your high
because with withdrawal it brings selfishness
and you feel like you're going crazy
well try losing your mind
because you failed at the one job you had
just take a minute
look at it through something other than than self pity
use a new perspective
maybe just use some heart
because when you lost yourself
you lost everyone around you too
a.m.

You learn that you're not worth the goodbye he gave you
You're not even worth the tears you gave yourself
a.m.

When your own soul gives up on you,
you know there's truly no one left
Some will describe it as empty,
I describe it like a tree in the fall time
The tree has leaves, and the leaves are a part of the tree
Now slowly the tree loses their leaves no matter how hard it might try to hold on
One bye one or two by two, a leaf falls,
and that tree loses what makes it, what it is
The only difference between a tree and its leaves,
and a body and it's soul
is that the tree can grow its leaves back
once your body has emptied its soul, it is lost
You are lost
a.m.

Because you shouldnt be scared when you wake up shaking in tears
You should be scared when the tears no longer flow and you're nothing but numb
a.m.

Because the truth comes out when you sit there
Wrapped up in your blanket
Staring at your screen talking about what once was
Because at 1:43am you don't worry about what's going on tomorrow
Or what happened yesterday
At 1:43 am you remember what it use to be like
You remember what you seem to crave
And the feeling comes back
And you try to push it away
But at 1:43am feelings don't get pushed away
They become remembered memories
And they swallow you whole
They take you back to places you've tired so hard to forget
Holes you've dug yourself out of
But at 1:43am you find way to fall back into that hole
And you're trapped
Because  at 1:43 am you're to weak to dig yourself out again
And 1:43am is where it begins
a.m.

I was addicted to something much worse than drugs
I was addicted to you
& I was in so deep, there was no escaping
& the rehab you called rebounds were always temperary
because getting clean from you  was always followed by a relapse
It started with a hit & then I was back
because my skin craved you like a smoker craves nicotine
But there's no patches or pills to save me from falling in love with something
So dangerous
Because it's just a matter of time till my blood runs out of what it needs to work my heart
the wrong way, also known as the only way I know
& I end up needing every ounce of you back in my system

When I see a new face I take their look
Their expression
Their posture
Their eyes
& use them to write a story
Creating a life in which I think they live
While my mind wanders, contemplating their experiences I make up for them
The second  hardest part is not knowing if I am ever close
If I tell their story correctly
If I read their eyes right
Read their look right
The hardest part is not knowing if
Their look or expression is in all reality a cry for help
A cry hoping that only a wandering mind can save them

The taste of your lips was almost as good as the last sip at the  bottom of the bottle
But the difference is I can forget that
Your words were almost as sweet as the coating on my pills
But atleast those were there to make me better
Your look was almost as bright as the sunrise
But I still see that daily
And your goodbye was almost as great as the scars
Both of which I feel forever

When my heart seems to break
I see my paper gets more takes
I pour out all that empty space
&  put it in a different place
But should I trade my happiness
To change my writing for the best
Or should I take my broken smile
& maybe just wait a while
Should I hurt what I write
Or actually get some sleep at night

Wake up alone
Bed is cold
Heart is cold
Smile is gone
Hope is gone
I am cold
And you are gone

My ears pick up a sound
Of your knees hitting the ground
My heart floats away
As I beg for your life to stay

The wind so calm
  Whistling
   Whispering
Passing my ears
brushing my face and tickling my nose
Taking my thoughts see where they go

Picked apart piece by piece
Until there's nothing left of me
Gun me down like the twins
Put my heart into a bin
Save it for a  broken soul
Dont tell them it's my heart you
stole
Rip me apart shred me, cut me
Just forget who I use to be
Throw that memory in the trash
Take me, break me, till I'm
smashed
Burn me, throw my ashes away
And walk all over where they lay

Can I take a vacation
To a place you dont really stay in
To the place where your thoughts reside
To a place that's much like mine

So can I take a vacation
I promise I won't be long
Ill take a peak into your thoughts
To see what you have  been taught

Because what we've learned mustn't be the same
Considering you treat me like I am a game
A board you've been around quite a few times
One you win because of cheats and lies
But see you won't come out on top again
Because now I have more twists and bends
                I've gotten stronger quicker faster
And I'll probably leave you in the dust
Because I've caught on to your lies  and now you lack lust
So goodluck to the next girl you decide play
Because I'm sure she'll catch on and I know she won't stay

They tell me to forget, it's not worth it
But they haven't been there
They didn't feel my heart  escape out of my chest
They tell me you're no good
But they don't know you
They don't see behind the scenes
They don't see two passionate lovers
They dont see the elongated nights when we outshine the stars
They don't see how one touch can make my skin dance to no music
They don't see because they are blind to all but the negativity
The hatred that I seem to block out
The endless nights of short breathes and wet eyes I seem to forget
So maybe I'm wrong
Maybe they are not the ones that are blind
I am

Your eyes blue like the sea and blue like my veins
Blue with the knowledge we wont be the same
My eyes green like grass and green like a clover
Green with envy and thoughts of you with her
Our eyes both share tears like rain racing down a window
Through our eyes we share the memories that fall below
Memories that can no longer hold us up
Pushed away forever to be tucked
Tucked away like an old file
Stored in both minds for a while
But a while doesn't last as long as it seems
Slowly "a while" dwindles down till the light no longer gleams
A light put out by one stupid choice
Now neither of their ears will hear either voice