I am a canvas
Painted in harsh strokes
With kind words
Mistakes blend in
Over time and diligence
But are never erased
They sit quietly
Under layers of oil paint
Built into my foundation

Love is a silhouette
And she dances on my shoulder
Stability is a shadow
And he likes to play a game
Insanity is a ghost
I'll never see him tamed.

Dear self,
Tonight is hard.  
You are being flooded
With memories and dreams
And your soul is heavy
With self doubt and destruction.
Your hangs heavy
With thoughts of disgust
And the emotional scars
Sting just as much as the physical ones.

But hey

You are tracing old marks
In your skin
Please, Do not repave them.
Remember all the nights like these?
Your lonely tears will wash away.
And while I cannot promise you that tomorrow
Will be better
But it will be new.
Every path we make
Will diverge into unknown territory
And I promise
You will smile
Again

I slipped up on the word hello
You choked up on goodbye

Our hands lingered but never met
Our minds brushed but never touched

I saw the way your eyes bled
When I said no

You saw the way my soul shook
When you asked

They called you desperate
I called us separate

Strain my brain
Of pretty words for you
My dear I cant be near
Without falling into you

Tell me again how to fit
Into the gaps of society
Designated for a woman.
Tell me all the ways my words
Are less my own
Than they are a man's
Tell me how my body will always be
Questioned
The cup in my hand
An excuse.
Remind me of all the ways
Today will never be my day.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

I can't find words to fit your tortured soul,
But I suppose that's fitting.
You were the only one,
Who's ever left me speechless.

I'm not sure,
How I can hold so much anger,
And so much love for you
At once.

You're a drunk fool,
It was a drunk love.

Our eyes met
Like magnets
Drawn in from a distance.
The way the beam from a lighthouse
Draws the attention of sailors.

Your gaze was instantly familiar
Like waking up to the smell of coffee
Or coming home from a storm.
Simultaneously bringing bright flashes
Of welcoming warmth and excitement.

A skid, a screech
A moment veering
Bang
More skidding
More screeching
A loud **** to the left
a desperate plea for right
I am ******
Why am I ******?
My mind
Where is my mind?

I wish I could put into words
The way I still reach for you
In my sleep

He drenched everything in poison
From his kisses
To the words spilling out of his mouth
Everything he did was painted in
Blurry, muted, pixels
His life was a loop
Work, pills, drink
I never mattered.

3 am and I'm wide awake
Tossing and turning in a bed too big
To soothe my lonely soul.
And as my mind wanders to you
And your arms around me
I begin to wonder if it's really you
I miss....
Or just being held.

It's the happy memories
That bring a meloncholly heart.
The ones with the smiles and the laughs
Of kissing in a snowstorm
Or dancing in the rain.

The sad ones hurt
But not the same way.
Because the joy that once was
Will never happen again
With you.

I see his name and my stomach plummets
Not in the way it used to
Not in the way that made my face glow
And my knees weak

Its sinking
Screaming
The blood drains from my face
And I gasp for air.

Time is just a theory
To explain how life goes by
Forever is just a word
Just another human lie

We're spending our lives waiting,
Wandering and lost.
Not knowing where we're going
Afraid of consequence and cost

But what's to fear?
When we're already there

We're trapped in an allusion
Trying to control
But our paths are ever out of reach
The prediction is untold.

So tell me, whats to fear?
When we're already there.

Today I saw my ******
He was with his family
A little girl rode on his shoulders
I watched him laugh with them
As my insides boiled
And I collapsed
Amongst a crowded atrium.

I've seen him in passing before
But never like this
Never before had he looked more human
Than monster

The lonely spaces between his fingertips
Invite her
The whirling of his blue eyes
Intrigue her
The mountains of his lips
Demand her
The softness of his touch
Devours her

I still miss you, sometimes.
In the aching quiet of the night
When my thoughts wander to the smiles
And the laughs, and kisses.

I remember how you looked at me,
Like I was the answer to a thousand questions
I know you answered all of mine
Or at least, you did at the time.

You taught me lessons.
Like how to sing freely,
And how to love
Both openly and cruely.

I'm starting to forget your voice
And the way your hand fit in mine.
The smell of your skin
Has long since been washed from my sheets

I know we'll never be friends
You don't want to see me again.
And that's alright.
Thanks for the adventure.

She's one of those charming tortured souls,
The ones with shadows in their eyes.

She drinks her liquor straight,
And she dances on her toes.

She'll flinch at the sound of a door,
But she smiles in dangers face.

She's a pretty little fool,
A sad little liar.

The nice thing about hitting rock bottom is
That at least you have some ground under your feet
Cause to me, falling gets you no where but down.
At least here you can run.

Lets pretend we never met
That I never saw you cry
Or punch the wall as I shook and screamed
Lets pretend you are just now
Discovering the marks on my skin
That you never saw them happen
I sometimes wish you didn't know me
So well
You often say what I'm feeling
Before I even think it
I'm afraid we will curl into the comfort
Of familiarity
And once again
Wither and die together.
So treat me like a stranger
I want to be new
With you.

I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive

He said he finds it odd,
That such pretty eyes could shed
So many tears.

I told him I find it strange,
That he found these stained eyes
Pretty.

I fell into a world
Where glass slippers
And shiny chariots existed
I danced on floors of marble
And crystals shown in chandeliers.

I spent awhile living in this dream
But glass shatters
And chariots became fuel guzzling cars
My feet grew sore on marble floors
And the crystals grew dull with dust.

I hope you miss me
The way I miss you

But I also hope you don't
Because I am miserable
And you deserve more

She would drown him in her own tears
Fighting for the light
That came at the end of a tunnel
Too long to walk alone

He held her hand just long enough
For the trust to be built
And when he felt her stumbling
He'd only hold on tighter.

One day the tunnel was particularly dark
And she particularly blind
He said I've had enough
And headed to the other side.

He'd been drowning far too long
It was time to take a breath
He tried not to care
If she got lost

Gone was her umbrella
Her protector

And she gasped for air as her tears began to drown her
She searched frantically for the arm she'd held so tight
Only to find her own feet beneath her
And a journey half finished

With each step she found her strength
She began to trust her own legs
Her tears began to clear
She could breathe again

Sudden suffocation and relapsed restrictions, we colored ourselves in silver sets and party dresses.

Half hearted laughter amid animosity hidden by sly smiles and fragile friendships. Our wicked world was perfectly painted in shades of doubt.

its funny how a comment on a picture
can make you feel insignificant
how a significant other can look at someone else
the way they looked at you
and waves of jealousy strike
waves of inadequacy

Sometimes the trees sing our song
Whispering through the budding branches
They mourn our loss
And then they bloom.

I just want another chance
To grow up
My mind is stirring with the
False hopes of childhood
My pockets are empty
And my soul is tired
They say I still have far to go
But how much further can it be?
I keep slipping on the same slopes
Don't give me lectures
Give me peace

Sitting on the rooftop with you
Talking about all the things we'll never do
Dreaming of a better day
Dancing on the milky way

You sit and tell me your secrets
Asking if I'll keep it
Smile with those perfect lips
Inches away from a kiss

I wonder if you realize
How easy it is to fall into your eyes
Like grey skies and blue oceans
They set my mind in motion

I'll admit I'm falling for you
But only of you admit I've got you hooked too

I understand you don't want me to go That's fine.
But I can't watch you dig through your car
For money for tonight's numbing.
You can't call me names
And still call me your daughter
And just because you offer me a cold one
Doesn't mean I'm playing your game.
I tried to give you a chance to prove
That your words were worth an ounce of truth
You may have been sober for months
But it's been two weeks of slurred speech
And several days of you
Not leaving that door
For anything more than a bottle.
Why the **** would I want to stay?
You keep saying that
No one here will hurt me
Too late dad, you've made your mark
In the form of six packs and cruel words.
I was better off without you for 10 years.
You have never been daddy.

The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

How dare I say I loved you
How could I?
I was broken, bent, weighed down
By my mere existence.

You picked me up
And I held on.

I was too busy being lifted
To see your breaking shoulders
You became my hope
And you began to lose your own

I never learned your dreams
Not in depth anyway
I was too busy with my sadness
That you tried to take away

I wish I would've asked to see
The talents in your grasp
The music you made
The world's you created

But I was a flooded river
And you were the shore
It's hard to say
Who swept up who

I wore you thin
How long can a man carry
A dead weight
And expect to be strong?

You began to pull away
And you began to slip up
You found solace in a familiar dance

Unprescribed yet medicated
Dosed with doubt
And lack of love

And me?
I still needed you
I still expected you.

And I blamed you
For not carrying me
When you were broken

We were twisted around each other
In substance and lack thereof
We crumbled trying to hold each other up

How could we?

How could I?

How could you?

None of this was supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.

She was born with and old soul
To die young
In a cruel world

In the light she both shimmered
And shriveled
Her name echoed off the lips of strangers

Each phrase was harsher than the last and
Cut deeper
Messages that she'd already written in her head.

Suddenly she couldn't see her path
She was lost
Her hands shook as she held them in front of her

Searching for help but all she found
Were thorns
So she retracted into herself

She swallowed nothing much except
Her words
Wincing at her own reflection in the eyes of others.

She became a wisp clinging to the grass
Lonely and sad
Gasping for affirmation

Blown away in the night's quiet whisper
She disappeared
The voices got louder, louder then ever

They bowed their heads and wiped their tears
"How tragic"
They said, as they moved on to the next.

Stop. Evaluating. My. Thoughts.
They are not yours
They never were
They are mine.

Stop. Pretending. I'm. Yours.
I am not
I never was
I am my own.

Stop. Inviting. Me. To. Your. Hell.
I have declined
I will not ever accept
Mine is better.

Burn with the paper you write your notes on.
And leave me alone.

Crooked smiles passed between
The rims of crystal wine glasses
And glimpses of someone else's yesterday
Whispered through pursed lips.

Delicate painted hands clasped
In laps fiddling with cashmere sweaters
And patent leather shoes
Tapping to the rhythm of expectation.

Through superficial pity and catty eyes
The lives of others were discussed
And though each teller would deny it
They revelled in the others sin

Building their own morals up
And blinding themselves to their own faults.
But in mothers dining room it's clear to see
The traits they share are wickedness and vanity.

Railroad tracks all down her wrists
Some raised so high she still trips a little
When she sees them.

Ghosts of past bruises haunt her skin
Some so raw she still flinches a little
When she thinks about them.

And the people stare as she shudders
She's faces the coldness of her past
With the brightness of the future.

And the bruises have faded
And the railroad tracks will
And she will smile.