How dare I say I loved you
How could I?
I was broken, bent, weighed down
By my mere existence.

You picked me up
And I held on.

I was too busy being lifted
To see your breaking shoulders
You became my hope
And you began to lose your own

I never learned your dreams
Not in depth anyway
I was too busy with my sadness
That you tried to take away

I wish I would've asked to see
The talents in your grasp
The music you made
The world's you created

But I was a flooded river
And you were the shore
It's hard to say
Who swept up who

I wore you thin
How long can a man carry
A dead weight
And expect to be strong?

You began to pull away
And you began to slip up
You found solace in a familiar dance

Unprescribed yet medicated
Dosed with doubt
And lack of love

And me?
I still needed you
I still expected you.

And I blamed you
For not carrying me
When you were broken

We were twisted around each other
In substance and lack thereof
We crumbled trying to hold each other up

How could we?

How could I?

How could you?

None of this was supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.

Leave me alone please
I can't handle
Any more of
This broken record
Of your voice
Playing in my head
You have stained
My thoughts
And my words
I want you out


But I also want you back

I'll paint a picture of your eyes
And get lost in the depth
Of my oil paints: only jewel tones
In blue green and amber
And just like in reality
I will fall in to the realms  of eyes
So stormy that to capture one moment
Is a sin.

Bend me down and out and over
I will smile as I wither
You can not shatter someone
Who loves being broken

Cover me in chamomile kisses
And lukewarm lullabies
I'll dance in the haze of your eyes

do you ever mess up something super duper minor and no one else thinks it an issue and you see that but on the inside you just feel like collapsing and crying and folding into little pieces of human origami because god it would be wonderful to be anything but yourself?

Six whole months
And I'm still broken
The scars you have left
Stain my heart
You have left me
Terrified of
Human connection
Was this pain
Worth it?

Midnight rolls in like a shadow,
Sweet and dark

My eyes are wide,
Thoughts are loud

Sometimes I forget I enjoy sleep
I stay up to hear the night songs

They remind me of
Your warmth

I play your voice over the sound
Of crickets chirping

It is a melody
I cannot forget

I’ve hit a point where crashing no longer gives me whiplash.

Collapsing is normal, bruises are common.

I got lost alone in the woods at 3 am and prayed I wouldn't find my way back,

I’ve been swinging on the ropes a little too long.  My arms are tired.

24 years. 24 years. 24 years.

I fold myself into a billion pieces
So that they will not see the gaps
That pierce my soul
I am an eclipsed moon
On a cloudy night

They left a bible for our viewing pleasure
To tame our souls
As if fables can cure the twisted minds
That lurk beneath our skulls.

They left a bible for our burning pleasure
And we watched the flames eat the pages
Smiling as they screamed "you are ******!"
We didn't listen.

She is a shadow so frail
That thoughts alone ignite her
Her eyes wither and grow with sadness
A worn hand to hold onto
She sings me lullabies in the morning
To keep me close in bed
She tells me all my secrets:
They're better off in my head.
She doesn't like when I talk to strangers
She says they'll never love me more
I can't imagine life without her
It wouldn't last for long
My dark and lovely mistress
My shadowed saddened soul.

Look at her
Her perfectly streamed hair of blond and amber
And that tiny waist.

Oh the way he looks at her
Like the last flower on earth and he a lonely bee
Her brightness draws him in.

Fine.
She can have what she wants.
I have no interest in competition.

But look how sweet he is!
With his lips so perfectly placed at kissable height
And his arms so tight around me.

Oh the way we talk!
Diving into the past as if discovering another world.
He fascinates me.

Wait.
I must have what I want.
I have no interest in competition.

Light to the touch, weary and meak
Stumbling over words
That come in heaps rather than syllables.

Bent over and hunched, crumbling
Struggling to breathe in
The air is drenched with regret.

I don't think it's right that I get uncomfortable with the thought of meeting a man because of what I fear is expected of me. Even more so the fact that more often than not, I am right, and I have to pry myself away from their wandering hands and expectant lips. They always try for more, even after being told no. They make lame *** excuses to touch my ***. Because in our culture, no doesn't mean stop, it means not yet.

No means no, and I don't want to hear about how they feel they are being made to be the villain. I don't want to fear the implications of standing up for myself, if they get upset or overly defensive. I shouldn't have to justify my choice to keep my clothing on. This is not me playing hard to get, I just want them to respect the boundaries that I have placed.

I've never been overtly ******, I've never been the type to go further than a kiss on the first date. Netflix and chill, means popcorn and cuddling, not hands flying under blankets. For me, no means no. It doesn't mean not yet, it doesn't mean that with a few more drinks I'll be good to go.

It shouldn't be this way, women shouldn't have to defend the meaning of no. There shouldn't be the fear of expectations. We shouldn't have to worry about how a man will react when we ask for respect.

I could paint a thousand pictures
But they still would not equate
To the meaning behind your words.

Could we please just go back to the start?
Where our eyes were burning with dreams
And our hearts ignited with hope.
We can take a few steps back
And have our footsteps align again.

Can we go back to breathing together?
Woven finger tips and tangled limbs
So close that every breath seems to echo
In the others mouth.
I'll hit rewind if you hit pause
I wish that moment was my forever.
I'd give anything to feel your lips
Just one more time.

Fair skin, dark eyes
Straight hair, crooked smile
Honest  face, wicked lies.

I'm not sweet but I'm covered in sugar
Lemon drop lies iced with ivory thighs
Milky skin and honey hair
Fools are made of love and lust

I am empty
Yet so full
All at once.

"You're on the incline"
He said as I looked down into the abyss
He held my hand and stroked my face and told me that he cares
"I'll help you, we'll help each other"
He told me as I sunk into his arms.

WHEN YOU HAVE POETRY BUT YOU'RE FREAKING TYPING IT AND YOU HIT UNDO ON ACCIDENT AND IT JUST DISAPPEARS AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE LIKE "WHAT WERE/WHERE ARE MY WORDS" AND I JUST CANT UGH NO

Two sips away from poison
Two lies away from treason.

Two too many mistakes made for redemption
Two too many hands away from salvation.

Two minutes away from acception
Two seconds away from extinction.

lingering spells of sensation whirring on my skin
the pounding in my chest meets the pounding of the beat
flashing lights and flashing skin
this sin's the highest of all.

inhale the sequence of lilac and rose
i trip and hit the beginning of the sky
i listen to the drops of rain on ivory skin
I'm getting lost in the fall.

Before the dawn is the dark
But that's when the streetlights glow
They flicker in the night
Calling for you

And every whispered dream hangs
Over the sleepless nights
Tossing and turning
Waiting for you

So go on, my love
Freedom was never free
Pick up the pieces, dear
Love was never guaranteed

Can we pretend that the world
Isn't crashing down on us?
Cause I miss the simple days
Playing the children's games.

Can we pretend that the sky
Isn't spinning around our heads?
Cause I'm getting dizzy
Just thinking of what you said.

Feels like I'm
Losing you

Feels like I'm
Losing the only thing I knew

The world we shared
It's falling in

Oh no
My dear
Where did the love go?

We are the generation
With our sorrow etched into our skin
And swallowed down with the morning coffee
Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better.

We are the generation
With our lives plastered on screens
And written in the history of our web
Desperate for affirmation.

Breathe deeply, stand tall,
For gravity only pulls
When you come back down to earth.

Is it weird that I still think of you?

Its been nearly 3 years since we last spoke.

I only knew you for 1 year and 2 months.

But, when I think of everything we went through.

When I think of all the lessons we both learned, how hard so many of them were, how long it took to heal from them...

It’s hard not to wonder if you think of me too.

I don’t miss you anymore, I havent for a long time.

But I wonder.

Strike a match and light a candle
If night becomes too dark
For our eyes to see hope
Perhaps our souls are dim

Snow is a thing that glistens when it's new
Children stare wide eyed in anticipation
Of christening the fresh fluff with boot trails
And snow angels and men.

But as the days get shorter
And the nights grow longer
It begins to dim and dull to a grey suit
Covering the soft green grass
And chilling the warming air.

Until it comes to a point where
One cannot help but wish
That winter would take the hint
And simply turn to spring.

Sleep taunts me and bad dreams haunt me
Lying awake only to fall into a nightmare
Waking up crying, screaming, panting
Grasping for air that can't come quick enough.

We tried so hard to stay afloat
Dodging the bullets that came spinning at our heads.

We tried to ignore the battle scars
That traced down the backs of our spine.

That final month I couldn't walk
I had nothing but open wounds.

I tried so hard to talk them out
You tried so hard to listen.

But words didn't come, instead there were daggers
I dragged you down one last time.

Now my name means nothing
For I left nothing but open wounds.

We're both bleeding.
But now we bleed alone.

You are just a cloud
To distract me from the sky
If love was ever cruel enough
To tease the sun
You would be the one
To get burnt.

"I'm drunk" she said as she clutched onto my arm
Her hair dangling off her shoulder flickering in the wind
And her eyes glinting as they reflected the street lights.

Her heels quaked at the uneven concrete and she giggled
She wobbled, tightening her grip bringing me closer
Each step she took was a little bit messy and incredibly charming.

She stopped mid stride and turned to me
Standing so close that I could feel the wisps of her flowing skirt
Dance across my thigh.

Her lips parted just a small amount
And mischief flickered in her eyes
She leaned forward grasping at my neck

Inches away from my hesitant lips
She whispered something coy
And she spun on her heel with as much grace as her drunken self could muster

"If I were a boy" she said, her back now to me
"I'd think you were my world"
And before I could inquire more our cab pulled up.

And we, were headed home.