she floats in a pool of stars
letting the luminous spheres brush against her skin
as planets and galaxies pass her
men in white suits look to her in wonder
as they place flags in the ground
defiling a beautiful surface with their cheap decorations
wretched thoughts wash away into the heavenly body that holds her
a content glow shines within her smile as she carries on
through a sea of wonder and catastrophes

He could feel it
His body turning to dust
Like the others around him
He didn’t wanna go
Not now. Not when they’re almost done.
He could do nothing but feel pain
         I don’t feel so good.
As he stumbled over to the man who helped him
The man who shaped him
His hero, mentor, father-figure.
It wouldn’t be long before he too was gone
So he fell into the man's arms
And in a voice holding nothing but fear
  I don’t wanna go, please, I don’t wanna go.
He fell to the ground his feet turned to particles
Continuing until only his head remained.
He managed to get two words out to the man
Before the dust took him like it did countless others
The man with eyes stricken with grief and despair and anger
The man who could only watch as the boy left this world  
            I’m sorry.

I am very ugly
So don't try to convince me that
I am a very beautiful person
Because at the end of the day
I hate myself in every single way
And I'm not going to lie to myself by saying
There is beauty inside of me that matters
So rest assured I will remind myself
That I am a worthless, terrible person
And nothing you say will make me believe
I still deserve love
Because no matter what
I am not good enough to be loved
And I am in no position to believe that
Beauty does exist within me
Because whenever I look in the mirror I always think
Am I as ugly as people say?

(Now read bottom up)

The waves crash against my body,
As the tide pulled me further out.

I screamed, salty water filled my lungs,
No one… heard me.

I am alone. Dying.
The laughter of the waves in my ears.

The gods looked down upon me,
They see me in pain, they do not care.

With a final crash,
I slipped under.

I am drowning.
Darkness surrounds me.

Sinking deeper and deeper,
Vision growing blurry.

Knives impaled my stomach,
My last breath escaped my lips.

They don’t know what it’s like,
To be in fear as they walk down the sidewalk,
With their keys in their hands, ready to defend themselves.
They don’t know.

They have no idea what it feels like,
To be watched,
With lustful eyes, going up and down their body,
They have no idea.

How could they know?
That every day they would need to survive,
Through the comments and the grabby hands,
How? Because they aren’t us.

WE know what it’s like,
To fight for our right,
To survive in this judgemental world,
WE know.

They don’t have everyone question them,
About their attitude,
About their virtue,
About their weight,
About their life.

They don’t get those **** cat-calls,
No, they are the ones doing them.
They don’t get their drinks spiked,
No, they are the ones doing it.
They don’t get harassed, every day,
No, they are the ones doing it.

Young, old.
Tall, short.
Small, big.
They don’t care.

We are alone.
We stick together.
We are SURVIVORS.

I loved you, at first,
more than anything.
Nothing else mattered,
If I could be by your side,
I would’ve protected you from a n y t h i n g.

The feeling of
your lips touching mine.
Cold and dull,
is it wrong that I still miss them?

Your eyes drifted to others,
never straying to mine,
never filled with the same spark.
Why won't you look at me?

You would say it,
those three words and I could only listen
as you say it to the others.
Not to me. Never to me.
They always got your love,
and warm smiles,
while you gave me your screams of
"You should be happy. Why aren't you happy?"

My orders:
never to be near you,
holding hands was forbidden,  
we did not know each other, not publicly.
They would get the wrong idea.
“She's just a friend,” You would say.
Forcing me into a corner, chained,
As your collar (pleaseithurtsithurts) leaves me
b r e a t h l e s s.

It was all a game, wasn't it?
Of how fast I could love you (whatwasithinking),
of how much I could bleed (Goditwaseverywhere)
of how long before I couldn’t take it (saveme,please,anyone)
You were the king,
and I, your faithful pawn,
Just another piece on your board.

Your touches, never warm, never tender
What an artist you were,
Always defacing your canvas with your brushes,
Aren’t you talented?
Is this what love is?
Take it back, please,
I don't want this anymore.  
I just wanna forget (getitoutgetitout).

“It’s okay, you don’t have to love me, no one ever does.”

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes.
On the mask is a smile.
It’s always different. For every person.
With our heart’s torn and bleeding, we smile.
We numb and we hide and we pretend.
That everything will be okay. That we'll be okay.

We just want to hide our fear.
Fear of never being good enough.
Fear that no one will ever love us.
Fear that we won’t love ourselves.

It’s amazing, isn’t it?
What we can fake with a smile.
It hides our injured soul so deep.
That no one will ever know how broken we really are.

We say it over and over, repeatedly tucking away our hearts.
We don’t want to have it broken. Not again.
We act as if nothing is wrong,
That we are not breaking,
That we are fine.

They are such fools
Believing us so easily.
Can’t they see our pain? Our tears?
Are they even looking?
Is the smile that we wear too perfect?
Why won’t they notice?

No one ever thinks we’ll fall apart. That we’ll break.
But we do and sometimes that’s good, but not always.
There are times where we wish we could just break down
On someone’s awaiting shoulder
As they comfort our pain.

I am lifeless.
A heart without a beat.
A body without a soul.
A face without a smile.
Ripped of my innocence and left with the empty shell of who I used to be.
The terror-filled nightmares have me screaming.
I just want everything to stop.

Why am I suffering? Am I the only one?
The only one who cries herself to sleep.
The only one with lines drawn on her arms.
The only one dealing with the shrieking voices in her head, telling her to end it all.
Why do I have to suffer?
How can I be filled with life but remain empty?
Where did it all go?

I feel it. The warmth.
On my skin, but never inside.
I’m cold. Alone. Dead.
Never to know what a smile is. What it feels like.
It was difficult to remember. My smile.
Soft but contagious, it had stained my lips like blood.
The same blood I tasted as I bit my tongue hard to keep from screaming.

My insides are too damp with uncried tears.
I am just a hollow plastic doll with a painted happy face.
The mirror lies to me. Bringing to light all my flaws.
Whenever I saw my reflection, I didn't know who was staring back.
Every day I plaster my face with fake a smile.
I can’t take it anymore.

I am lifeless. A lifeless heartbeat.

"Please, daddy!"
You were walking so fast.
Too fast for my little feet to keep up.
Was it that easy for you to leave me?

You heard my tear-filled screams, but you never stopped.
You just kept going.
Farther and farther away, not even trying to get one last look at me.
I punched, pulled, and pushed trying to make you stop.
You didn’t.
You just kept going.
Leaving me behind.
"Please don’t leave me!"

Pain.
I remember it too well.
The heart throbbing pain.
We watched as you left.
Me and mommy.
My eyes were wet.
Hers were dry, cold.
As if she knew this would happen.

I looked into mommy's eyes.
Her brown eyes tangled with lies.
Lying to me for you.
How long do I have to wait for you before you realize that what you did was a mistake? What was the reason you stayed away for so long?
Was it all the stupid crap you did in the past or is it because you don’t want me anymore?

Since you left, I dreamed of your return.
The day you would wrap me in your arms and whisper in my ear,
"I'm sorry for what I did. I promise I will never leave you again,
my little Cookie Monster."
Then I wake up, hoping to see you.
Praying that it wasn’t all a dream.
But reality soon caught up, and the dream quickly died.

I remember all the tears I had rushing down my face
as I saw you leave me and mommy behind, to never return.
I'm so incomplete without you, I need my daddy back in my life.
You deceived me, you said you would always be there.
You pinky promised.
You broke your promise.
How can I trust you again?

Do you still think of me as your "cookie monster" or
a daughter you never loved, a daughter you could leave behind without a single goodbye in the blink of an eye? I wish you were here to watch me grow up but we both know that will never happen.

"I miss you so much! Won’t you please come back to me, daddy?
I just need to see your face one last time."
Am I that disappointing I need to work to make you love me?

“Hey, daddy even if you don’t love me I will always love you no matter what happens.”
I bet you didn't even think about how I would feel when you left.
No, you only thought of yourself like you always do.

You missed all my birthdays, first dates, father-daughter dances,
and you may even miss my wedding, not that you even care.
Did you know that I would wait for the postman to bring the mail and check to see if there was a letter for me? But there never was.
I eventually stopped going, knowing nothing was there for me.  

"Well, daddy looks like you really didn't care about me buts it's in the past. Now I have a family who loves me, stays with me, and likes for who I am.
I don't need you anymore.”

Daddy, I still need you. Please, come back.

The ones who walk away
Are the ones who don’t care,
They can’t be bothered to do so.

The ones who walk away
Understand pain and suffering,
They can’t see it happen again.

The ones who walk away
Are filled with regret and hate,
For they to have been thrown away.

The ones who walk away,
With tears down their face,
Leaving everything they love behind.

The ones who walk away
Found a purpose to move on,
They can’t let it slip away.

The ones who walk away
Are strong with their head held high,
As they don’t need to beg for love.

The ones who walk away
Have given up trying,
No longer able to tolerate it anymore.

The ones who walk away
Realized what others didn’t,
And set themselves free.

The ones who walk away
Fast and quick,
Never planned on staying.

I am one who walks away,
You are one who walks away,
We are the ones who walk away.

They are the ones that stay behind,
Watching us as we leave,
For they forgot that to make us stay
They need to chase after us.

“HOW DO YOU FORGET?”
How do you forget all the laughs we had, all the mistakes we made?
You FORGOT that when you met that cute guy and you knew his brother would be perfect for me.

“HOW COULD YOU FORGET?”
And when the ONE person you want to call, when your back is against the wall, and you’re blocked.
***** to be you.

“WHY DID YOU FORGET?”
WHY do you HATE me so much?
All I TRIED to be was a good friend,
but you THREW me aside like you would an old rag!
The illusions in my mind say,
that you’ll be beggin’ on your knees for me to come back,
but that’s all it is, a ILLUSION.

“HOW COULD YOU FORGET ABOUT ME?”
WHY? Why does it have to be like this,
I thought our friendship could’ve worked?
But I was wrong, right?

You NEVER cared, not one bit, about me and you never will! WHY did I even think you did?
You really KNOW how to make someone WISH
they could forget, but no matter how hard they try, they just CAN’T.

So here’s my FINAL goodbye,
I hope you enjoy the life you have WITHOUT me!
So GOODBYE my dear “FRIEND”!

Bye-bye

“Don’t talk to me in that tone!”
Yes, mother, I apologize for my insolent self.

“Why can’t you be more like your brother? He’s younger than you!”
Yes, mother, I apologize for my insolent self.

“You need to lose weight! You’re too fat!”
Yes, mother, I apologize for my insolent self.

“I am the mother! You are the daughter! I own you!”
Yes, mother, I apologize for my insolent self.

“You are such a disappointment.”
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry mother.
I’m not the daughter you expect of me.
I will be better.

Why am I never good enough for you?
You comment on my flaws, constantly, diminishing my already low self-esteem.
You compare me to others, saying how I should be more “like them.”
Will you love me if I’m compliant with your every wish?
I’m sorry I’m not your perfect daughter.
Stop reminding me that you love my brother more than me.

I’m sorry.
For being who I am.
For being different.
For bringing you pain.
For not being enough.

Please. Stop. Don't.
Your words. Won't leave.
My head. Hurts.
I don't want to listen.
Make it stop.
I can't take it anymore.
SHUT UP!

I’m sick of listening.
I’m sick of you.
I hate myself.
I hate you.

I know.
I should be more like him.
I know.
I am not perfect.
I know.
I do not have your love.
I know.
You hate me.
I KNOW.
I’m a disappointment.

It’s my first time.
The words. Hanging off my tongue.
He’s the first. He’s special.
We’ve been together for so long time.
I’m nervous. Terrified. Ecstatic.
It’s not his first. He’s done it. Before he met me.

I didn’t know what this was. At first.
This feeling. Bubbling in my chest.
The loud pounding. Only when he’s around.
I’m afraid. What if he hears it?
I want to tell him. I need to.
Will he hate me? Like the others?

He knows who I am. What I am.
He doesn’t care. He loves me for me.
But his love is different than mine.
It’s the love of a friend. It’s how he sees me.
All I’ve ever been is a friend. Since forever.
If only it was different, he could be mine.

“I love you,” I tell him. Stuttering out the words.
We are laying on my bed. Playing games.
His face blank. Silent. Is that bad or good?
I tried to cover it up. Saying as a friend.
But it didn’t come out. He stopped me.
Pulling me to him. To his chest. His heart.

A hush washed over us.
I couldn’t see his face. He wouldn’t let me.
“What?” He whispered. His hot breath caressing my ear.
Shivers run down my spine. I wish time would stop.
“Say it again.” What? I’m confused. Does that mean…?
No. Don’t get your hopes up. It could be nothing.

Again but slower. Muffled by his shirt.
His hold tightens. Stealing my breath.
“Again.” I obeyed. Over and over.
He never said it back. I didn’t mind.
My feelings were finally made clear.
Weight lifted. I’m finally free.

He releases me. My eyes catch a glimpse of his face.
A dark blush covered it. His own orbs were glazed with… desire?
That can’t be right. It must be a trick of the light.
He leans forward. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
His lips brush mine. I was captured. Enraptured
Fiery. Hot. Passionate. Demanding. Love.

I can’t fall anymore. Pull away. I need to.
I’m losing myself. We stayed for what felt like hours.
Until the need for air became too much.
Our lips undo themselves. Gasping for air.
Confusion took over. He taking me in circles. Dizzy.
The words refused to leave. No amount of sputtering would make them.

At last, he spoke. His words flew through my ears.
No. I must have heard him wrong. “Again,” I say.
He obeys. It’s what he said the first time.
“Again.” He does. Over and over.
Impossible. We are the same. Men.
He’s always been with the opposite. Girl.  

I jump to him. Tumbling to the bed. Laughing.
My lips catch his. Twisting and turning.
His tongue slides in as does mine. Deepening.
Hands sliding up shirts. Down pants.
His words play over. Never ending.
“I love you too.”

TEARS.
Tears are all that I remember from that day.
I remember my head hurting after I was done letting all my EMOTION pour out and that you were gone.
That day was mostly filled with TEARS, SCREAMING, and PAIN.
That day, you left.

I tried to make them STOP but they had a mind of their own and so did you apparently.
WHY?
Why did you cause me so much pain?
You’re the reason for my ABANDONMENT issues.

The THOUGHT of someone leaving me again reminds me of that day and I start to cry OVER, and OVER, and OVER again.
I don’t want anyone to leave me the way you did,
with NO goodbye, NO regret, and NO tears.
TEARS.
Tears are all that I remember from that day.

“I never wanted you and I never will, you *****!”
He calls her all these names but does he have anything to back it up? She never once went behind his back, and no matter how he treated her, she still loved him. That was all over when he crushed her world and sent her back to reality. Those words. Those loathsome words that cascaded from his mouth. She still has the nightmares. Nightmares that had her screaming for help. She can still feel the pain. Pain from the bruises and cuts he gave her. She tries to forget and move on but that seems impossible! Why did he do this to her?

“I love you.” Lair! His lies overwhelmed her, tricking her weak heart.
“I hate you!” She thought it was the truth but she knew she wasn’t fooling anybody.
“I want you.” No, he wants to control her, make her into his little doll.
“Leave me alone!” She says this over and over yet why does her heart keep denying it?
“I miss you.” No! He misses his obedient toy.
“Stop, that hurts!” He never listened to her. He just continued to beat her.

The memory of him will never go away, even if she wishes it away.

“Our love was just a game filled with lies.”
The lies he told. The lies she believed. Her head is only filled with his lies and won't consign to oblivion. How… how could he do this to her? “I loved you!” Were those warm smiles, that would brighten even her darkest days, fake too? “What happened to us?”
"Why are you always so happy? You gotta learn your place! It ****** me off how you're always happy!" Drew slammed his fist on Lucy's cheek, sending her into the wall.
"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Pl-please stop!" Lucy cried.
"I do this out of love."

“You are such a *****!”
She was pure and had no experience in love, he was well aware of that. She thought it was true love and they would live happily ever after, but then reality struck her and she remembered the cruelness of reality.
"Drew can I get a job?" Lucy asked.
"No. Why would you even ask that? You wouldn't be able to keep up and no one would want to look at your ugly face." Drew sneered.
"W-well I thought it could get m-me my own money and stuff..." Lucy muttered.
"What, I don't make enough for you street rat?!" Drew hissed. "Listen to me you *****, I picked your *** off the street and now you want a job because I can’t make enough money? I think you need to be taught a lesson."
"N-no I didn't mean l-like that!" Lucy cried out. Drew ignored her and started just beating on her. "P-please stop!" Lucy cried. She was bawling. The tears just didn't stop. She didn't know what hurt worse, the punches or the words.
"Next time, appreciate what I do for you, you *****." Drew left the curled up girl covered in bruises.
"W-will anybody l-love me...?"

“I'm a man! What do you expect me to do? Wait until marriage?”
She thought they would be together forever but he, apparently, had other plans. She misses the way he used to hold her and how he gave her a gentle kiss that made her feel safe. Now, he brings nightmares and pain. No amount of words can express how terrified she is being near him. She’s suffocating.
"Drew please stop! It hurts!" Lucy cried while her abuser ***** her. Drew kept slamming into her, not even letting her adjust.
"Shut up!" He hissed.
"P-please! Stop!" Lucy cried when he slapped her across the face.
"I'm doing this because I love you," Drew growled. Lucy's eyes watered from the pain he was putting her through.
'This is what it's like to be loved?' Lucy thought, crying out. Lucy felt him spray his ***** inside her. That brought more tears to her eyes. She was thankful for taking birth control.
"You **** at ***," Drew growled. He pulled out and left her there, crying and shaking.
"J-just cause I-I don't want to d-do it with you."

“You thought I loved you when I just wanted a good ****.”
He never wanted her and he never will, she knows that now. She knew that every time he went out and didn't come back for days, weeks, or even months. She knew what he was up to. The lipstick and perfume on him clearly pointed that out.
"Lucy, this is Sarah. Sarah, this is my cousin." Drew gave Lucy the look as if saying 'you say anything, I'll hurt you'.
"Hi, Lucy." Sarah smiled.
"Hello." Lucy gave a fake smile. Lucy didn't smile a real smile around him. She barely smiled at all.
"Sarah and I will be upstairs. DON'T disturb us. If you know what I mean." Drew pulled Sarah upstairs. Lucy felt disgusted hearing the moaning, screaming, grunting, growling. It made her feel uncomfortable.
"Is this what the world has come to? ******* just for a good time with someone else just downstairs?" Lucy mumbled to herself, tears forming in her cocoa brown eyes. "I hate my life. I wish I could just drop dead."

“Why don't you just die? No one would miss you.”
Do you think she doesn’t try every day to wash the dirt, covering her body, away? Feeling violated and scared. No matter how hard she scrubs, that feeling is still lingering on her. The numerous scars covering her body like paint to a canvas. She’s so… ugly!
"Don't ever leave me because or I'll hunt you down." Drew hissed.
"I-I won't..." Lucy whimpered.
"Good. I love you." Drew said but had evil in his eyes.
"Okay." Lucy just sat there. Emotionless.
"You *****! You're supposed to say I love you too! You're so stupid!" Drew picked her up by her throat and chucked her into the wall.
"I-I'm sorry. I-I love you too.." Lucy cried out, holding her face.
"Good. Now I'm going drinking. I might be home late tonight." Lucy knew what he meant by that. She knew he ******* women every day. It didn't surprise her.
"Of course you will."

“Who wants to be with you? You're garbage!”
Words. Words are what can bring you up, fly high in the sky, or to the ground, rotting and burning in hell. They think she doesn’t know what pain feels like. They’re wrong. Her life at home is full of nothing but pain.
"You're ****** ugly. You'll never find love. No one will love you like me." Drew said as he held her throat against the wall.
"P-please stop! I-I love you." She coughed out.
"You deserve this. You're a ****, a *****, no one likes you!" He yelled, punching the blonde across the cheek.
"P-please..."

“I don't need you anymore.”
She has seen so many get beat down by words, watched them crumble and fall without a second thought. They don't fight back, what's the point if they go right back to the ground. She still wishes that she stood up and fought back but she was too much of a coward. She still is.
"You know what you are, Lucy?" Drew growled.
"W-what?" Lucy whimpered against the wall, blood running down her nose.
"You're a burden. And that's all you'll ever be."

“You're useless!”
They say words can't damage you as much as sticks and stones can break your bones. That, of course, didn't apply to the words that spew out of his mouth every day. Words that would continue to abuse her, inevitably, turning her black and blue.
"You're a *****! You look disgusting, you think any man would want to touch you?" Drew hissed.
"I-I was just trying t-to look good..." She looked down.
"Well, you're not. You look like a ****** no one would wanna hook up with." He slapped her across the face leaving a handprint on her face.
"P-please stop! Stop!" She cried out as she got slapped again.

The girl who always laughed, cried.
The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke.
She dropped the fake smile as a tear rolled down her cheek and whispered to herself,
“I can't do this anymore.”

Darkness enveloped around her as her unbreakable heart started to crack.
She's hurt.
But every day, she walks with a smile,
‘Cause that's just who she is:
The girl who never stopped smiling.

They can't see that she's hurting.
They don't notice her pain.
The girl who feels like she is drowning in the rain,
while everyone else is sitting in the sunlight.
The girl with the eyes full of innocence; the face of an angel.
Her personality is that of a dreamer and a smile that hides more pain than they can imagine.

She was just a girl.
Who experienced heartbreaking pain.
Who was taught never to show her true feeling as nobody would care.
She knew to hold back those tears until she was alone.
She grows cold with every stabbing knife in her back.

Warm red liquid, flowing down her arm, is all the comfort she needs.
Silver metal, shining so bright, is her only true friend.
Her scars, hidden from the world’s judgeful eyes,
hold memories of hurtful words and repressed memories.

The unbreakable girl finally broke.

… close!
They’re close!
What do I do?
Closer… I’m not ready.
Closer… I don’t want this.
Closer… Help me.
Closer… I’m too late.  
They’re here.

Rotten teeth,
Greasy hair,
Alcohol breath with a mix of tobacco,
Eyes that abandoned all emotion.

Why did I think I could push down my fear?
How naive I was!
I see it’s fist clenched and come up.
SMACK!
I’m knocked to the floor.
My cheek red and swollen.
They do it again,
And again,
And again,
And again.

I scream and plead for them to stop, but they don’t.
They never do.
Next, is feet.
Kick
Punch
Kick
Punch
Then repeat.

A ruby liquid is enveloping around me.
Getting bigger,
And bigger,
And bigger.
No matter what I do or how hard I push or how loud I scream, they continue harder.
It’s laughing… at my pain.
A laugh that will forever haunt me.

My vision… blurry.
My head pulsating.
I know… I’m going to die.
If the cause for all this would have been different then would I have had a better life?

They suddenly stopped and I thought it was over.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I felt a hand, their hand slide up my shirt.
No!
Going to my bra and squeezing the outside. They licked their lips as if they enjoyed the look of horror swells up in my eyes.  
No!
Wrapping the very same hand around my back and clips off my bra.
NO!
Pushing up both my bra and shirt, they flicked my ******, twisting it between their fingers.
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
I don’t want this!
I push harder, I don’t want to die like this.
Screaming louder, hoping someone can hear my cries for help, my throat burning for some water.

They gave a hard slap to my face, adding onto the countless bruises, as a warning to shut up and then continued to feel me up.
Crimson drops flow freely down my bruised face and into the puddle beneath me.
My bones growing tired and the strength I had, in the beginning, is slowly depleting, but I can’t give up.

Light.
I can see it.
I can see her, walking out with pure wings strapped to her,
looking even more heavenly than the last time I saw her.

I look up and into the eyes of the person on top of me.
I can feel their other hand reaching for my pants.

“I love you,” I whisper, my voice raspy.
They stop and meet my eyes, confused.
“Even if you hate me. I know you think it’s my fault she died
and punish me for it. I let you because I thought so too.”
Their face is cloudy. My vision growing blacker.

“Since she died, I’ve put up with this abuse and I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to hate you, even as you do this.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I took her from you.
You will always hate me for what I have done.
I don’t blame you if you do.
I can’t go back and fix what has been done.
You don’t know how much I wish it was me instead.”

The eyes that had been dead, since her, softened.
“I need you to do something for me. For us.
We need you to live like we never entered your life.
We both want you to be happy, but if you keep holding onto the past,
you never will. Do not mourn over us.”
My vision is going in and out and the light is getting brighter.  

“I love you, daddy.”
I feel water falling on my face.
He’s crying. He cares.
My heart starts to slow down and skin grows cold.

I run to her, to mom, and jump into her awaiting arms.
Tears of joy.
I close my eyes and wait for the darkness to take over.
The last of my words cascaded out of my stained lips,
“Goodbye, daddy.”

“My mask is broken.”
She stares into the mirror, her true face is revealed.

She wears a mask that grins and lies, hiding her cheeks and shading her eyes.
With her heart torn and bleeding, she smiles, hiding her tears and fears.
“Fine. And you?” is her response whenever they ask how she’s doing, before they stopped caring.
With that fake twinkle she has gotten so used to wearing.
She’s says it over and over, repeatedly tucking away her heart.
She doesn’t want to have it broken.
Not again.

“I’m alone and I don’t even care anymore.”
Is what I have convinced myself.

When can I stop pretending?
My world is crumbling around me, while my heart is breaking.
This isn’t happening.
I must be dreaming, they wouldn’t do this to me, right?
“I don’t want them to leave me. I DON’T WANT THIS TO END!”
They betrayed me, they’re the ones that really broke me.
How could they do this to me?
I thought of them as friends, as FAMILY!
What have I done?
What did I do to deserve this?!
NOTHING!
I’ve been the perfect friend, one that followed their every command.
Why do you constantly treat me as a welcome mat, walking all over me.
I didn’t deserve any of this.
I’m getting so tired of pretending and lying, it is not helping anything.
Why doesn't anyone notice?
Notice that I’m crying and dying on the inside.
They wonder why I smile so much, it's because I don’t want you to know what I’m really feeling.
I try to put on a brave face just to stop myself from crying.
The jagged lines across heart remind me everyday that I don’t have friends that care.
The makeup I put under my swollen eyes prove how much I cry myself to sleep.

“I'm suffering.”
You say, in your head, over and over.

Why did they do this to you?
You try to hold your tongue.
Hiding what you have become, but it’s getting harder and harder.
The smile that people think is so bright and full of life, is holding the darkest secrets.
The mask you built up is slowly breaking away with every comment directed your way.
Why do you have to pretend to be happy so they accept you?
They said they were your friends, but they didn’t even notice you breaking.
Your heart shattering.  
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?”
You’ve been impaled with their knives left and right.
You try to pretend that it doesn’t bother you, but that's only adding onto the countless lies.
The day they said those words, shattered the last piece of your heart.
You needed to become stronger to hide your weaknesses.
How’s that possible if they won’t stop with the names?
Your “friends” don’t even stand up for you like they used to.

“They lied to me!”
She screams to herself.

They promised!
That they would be there for her.
THAT THEY WOULDN’T HURT HER!
How could she not see through such an obvious lie?
She’s so stupid!
Her silence is her most powerful scream.
No matter how many people she tries to surround herself with, fooling them with her smile and bubbly attitude, at the end of the day she’s still alone.
Do they have any idea how worthless they made her feel?
She smiles, but she wants to cry.
She talks, but she wants to be quiet.
She pretends that she’s happy, but she’s not.
She’s used to being left behind.
She’s used to being the second choice.
She’s used to it.
And she’s sick of it.
They have no idea how worthless they made her feel.

“I’m tired of smiling.”
Is what I refuse to say.

I’m trying my ******* BEST, but I can’t breathe anymore like every second I’m alive I feel like I’m drowning.
I never believed people when they said how much it hurts to get stabbed in the back.
Until, it was me.
Lying on my bedroom floor,
Mascara running down my face,
Gasping for air, crying.
How, after all you put me through, am I still able to hold my tears back?
You promised!
That you would be there for me.
THAT YOU WOULDN’T HURT ME!
How could I not see through such an obvious lie?
I'm so stupid!

“Why must I suffer from this pain?”
Is your constant question, that remains unanswered.

No.
Don’t cry, not in front of them, please just fight back the tears.
Please, just don’t let them see you cry.
They don’t know what it’s like.
How difficult it is to get out of bed and act happy for the day when all you want to do is breakdown in tears.
You’re afraid because you know you can’t fight forever.
Maybe you’re just not meant to live a happy life.
Maybe pain is all you’ll ever know.
You’re so broken.
Mentally and emotionally.
Literally and metaphorically.
This is so much more than being sad now.
This is affecting your whole body.  
What happened?

“Why is it so cold?”
“Why is it so dark?”
“Where am I?”

“Why can’t I open my eyes?”
“Why is it so silent?”
“Where am I?”

“Hello, is there anyone out there?”
“What is that bright shining light?”
“Where am I?”

“Why is it suddenly so warm?”
“Why is it suddenly so bright?”
“Where am I?”

“Why can’t I open my eyes?”
“Why is there singing?”
“Where am I?”

“Hello, is there anyone out there?”
“Oh, wait, now I remember.”
“I’m dead.”

She gave him everything she had,
Her body, soul, and heart,
She thought they would be together forever.
Her eyes folded into her face,
Tears so sharp, bitter and fierce
They’re salting her in place.

She’s yearning for joy, while
Dealing with the tragedy of losing
A man once very sweet,
A man now lost in his shadows,
Her sadness under his feet.

Her life at home is full of nothing but pain.
Feeling violated and scared.
No matter how hard she scrubs,
that feeling is still lingering on her.
The numerous scars covering her
body like paint to a canvas.

She misses the way he used
to hold her and how he gave her
a gentle kiss that made her feel safe.
Now, he brings nightmares and pain.
No amount of words can express
how terrified she is being near him.

She’s suffocating.
The memory of him will never go away,
even if she wishes it away.
She gave him everything and somehow, that's still wasn't enough.

I wanted him to stay.
But Time would not allow it
For he does not trust me. Not anymore.
As I am a creature of hell.
I know no death nor life. Only pain.
And Time. Time is stubborn. Like always
No matter how much I ask his answer is still no.

He wanted to stay.
But it was too late. He was too far gone.
I weep, never again will he hold me,
In those arms that I love so.
I prayed, he prayed, to Time.
To let us have more.
“No,” Time said. “I’ve given too much already.”
Nothing would change his mind.

“Goodbye,” I said to him.
My hand on his. Tears dropping.
“I love you.” His weak voice pierced me.
Time was there, laughing at me. Mocking me.
The light said goodbye as it left.
My words will never reach him.
It was too late.
“I love you too.”

I’m broken.
He has left me. I’m alone.
I want him back.
“You’ll find another,” Time said,"You always do.”
No, it’s different. He was different.
Not like the others.
He talked me. He listened. He saw me.
No one’s ever done that.
I could forget everything with him.
“Get over it.” Time scowled.
I can’t. I won’t, not ever.

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years.
They passed by. They forgot him, but not me.
I still remembered. What Time wouldn’t do. How it was too late.
It’s been three centuries since him. Nothing has changed.
Time is still stubborn.
He’s still telling me to forget.
He doesn’t understand. It’s impossible.
I can’t erase away memories. Not that easily.
Not like he can. They pass by him. Never sticking.
I wish I could. To forget everything. Forget him.
Never having to deal with the pain that comes.
But that’s not possible.
For it’s apart of me.

I yearn to join him, my love. To frolic in the life of after. With him.
But I cannot die. I am to live, alone, where no one can reach me.
Not him. Not you.
Not death or life. Not the sun or moon.
Nothing. Only Time.
For as long as I can remember, Time was always there.
I cannot remember who I was before him. Before Time appeared.
I was nothing.
I am nothing.
I will be nothing.
Forever.
All I am are memories I can never forget.
Pain. Despair. Happiness. Fear. Anger. Grief. Love.
Escape is not an option.

I am a creature. A thing with no name.
I know no death nor life.
I have lived centuries.
Loving many times. Forgetting nothing.
Time is always with me. Never trusting.
I am alone.

Why am I chained down by my suffering and misery?
Please, can someone set me free?  
Can you send me to my eternal resting place?
To be free from my suffering.
It’s alright, no one will miss me.
I’m all alone.
Won’t you send me to the depth of the underworld?
It’s dead on the inside, I’m just a walking corpse.  

I want to escape this world to the eternal darkness.
Give me a reason to live.
Give me a reason to be happy.
What is the point in smiling if it is a lie?
Why do I need to pretend that everything is going to be okay?
That only causes more pain.

I’m lying not only to myself but to everyone around me by creating a fake facade so I can feel whole again.  
The need to fill that empty void living in my heart is growing more and more as time goes on.
I can feel the chains burning as I’m held by my misery.
The longing to be free, to be able to feel the warmth of the sun hit my face.
I’m stuck…
Stuck between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it.
Why should I stay positive when it feels like my life is falling apart?

These are my chain of misery.
Forever shackling me to this pain.