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1.7k · Apr 14
Untitled
everything is changing.
youve changed.

you dont talk to me now.
i cry over you every night.

sometimes i wonder if you think about me
as much as i think about you.

then i remember
you left me because it hurts

i was too much like Her.

and you replaced me.

that hurt the most.
1.3k · Feb 10
wet
wet
all alone
im in my bed
lights so low
and my family gone

i washed my hair
scrubbed skin for hours to remove his touch
yet he
clings
on.

but im barely hanging on
and i dont think anyone else is
sometimes i think about you

and
         i
             am
                      wet.
hypersexual disorder
orange is sweet
orange is sour
orange is the pretty tulip flower

orange is loving
orange is kind
orange is someone with a steady mind

orange is humble, orange is lonely
orange is wild
orange is homely.
1.1k · Feb 4
Bones
Not saying I don't like you.
Your skin, your hair, your eyes...
I'd just love to see your blood,
to taste your sweet demise.

I love your pretty teeth,
shiny, sharp, and red.
But oh they'd be so much sweeter,
tasting them while you were dead.

Darling, little Moon Beam...
shining so wonderfully 'Blue'.
Let me see your Bones.
Let me finally taste you.
cannibalism is a love laguage
661 · Feb 22
Cuts III
healed scars litter my trashed body. my skin a mural, a testament, to my battles. i used to do it to punish. now i do it to feel something, anything.

oh to continue to cut
deeper and deeper
until i am no longer human.
but bones.

humans are no more than their secrets.
cutting into them reveals how disgusting or beautiful they truly are

i am a horrible person
numbing myself again
658 · 2d
i envy the stars
i envy the stars,
the way you would stare at them and smile
how you looked so longingly toward them
you wanted to join them
and then you tried.
in your trying, you did not reach them.
you stayed here, on this rotting rock, stuck with me.
your smile has gone away forever. you dont laugh anymore.

i wish i had never let you envy me.
like i envy you
and envy the great shining lights that surround us.
red is the blood that pours down his arms
red is the flush on her cheeks
red is the flower that they wear on their charms
red stains my carpet for weeks

wine and women
power hungry; driven
red controls life.

red is the heart
hurting the boy
pumping too hard and fast

red is the truck
that took them away
the world speeding past

red is hungry
red is power
red is strong.
im doing color poems every day im grounded.
hope you like them, cuz this hurt.
592 · Feb 5
I want to feel you
I want to feel you
To sit in your skin
I want to wear you
To hide within

I want to be you
To let people know
You're an amazing person
wherever I go

I want to feel you
to hold you close
but now you're gone
like a ******* ghost...
goodbye max.life wont be the same without you and your pretty grey eyes.
I wish we'd just stayed friends and watched the stars til 3 am.
i lost a friend today.
not to death.
almost to death.
i called the police as they attempted.
they have stopped talking to me.
they are angry

i lost a friend today
i wish i had done better.
they almost left.
without a word.
i wish they hadnt told me.

i lost a friend today.
my friend attempted suicide today and i called the police. they told me to ******* and die.
i want to hurt.
459 · Feb 14
Hunger
when people get hungry
they eat
when anorexics get hungry
they starve
when bulimics get hungry
they binge
when i get hungry
i...

i want to rip open your torso.
tear out your heart.
eat your very soul.
drink up your tears.

i want to feast.

yet i lay here.

hunger
boiling
up
slowly
getting
worse
over time.
I am getting so hungry...
429 · Feb 5
Blue
You've ruined the color blue for me,
I'm surrounded by your lies.
You made me smile but honestly,
You ruined the color blue for me.

You took your dagger and stabbed it through,
jabbing it into my heart.
Tearing my
Itty
Bitty
Girl
Brain
Apart.

You infested my dreams,
ruled in my night terrors,
stole my peace of mind.

I can't believe there was a time I thought that you were kind.

YOU TOOK AWAY MY SANITY,
Ate away at my skin.
I itch and scratch and rip out chunks,
yet you keep filtering in.

You ruined the color blue for me,
I see it everywhere.
Your eyes,
Your fists,
Your bruised and strangled lips.

The blue is always there.
I am surrounded by pain and sorrow. I am drowning in colors people cant comprehend.
Hurting people is easy.

like throwing a *Rock

into a still pond

the glass *-breaks-


r i p p l e s

and
                             down

              sinks
                                  the
                 *Rock*


but...

youll never know.

                                             how deep it went.
this isnt about rocks.
I'm probably not going to **** myself.
lose myself into the void.
fall asleep in silence
in my eyes emotions devoid.
I'll just take a bunch of pills or cut my pretty wrists
distract myself from the sirens and ball them into fists.
im probably not gonna **** myself
theres not enough reason to
no one who can help me
nothing at all

i know ill upset someone
i know people would be mad
but this overwhelming sadness
this numbness
this emptiness

the voices getting louder
the people screaming in my ears
the stupid stupid noise

i know i wont.
im too scared.
i dont want to die.
i just want to feel again
im so tired
367 · Feb 7
bubbles
I am drowning in the bubbles that my father introduced me to.
sipping on things I never should have known about
at such a young age

I am genuinely scared about my very existence.
I am so, so exhausted.

I drink until my eyes blur and the world spins.
Then when I wake up
I am still tired.

bubbles.

what a funny concept...

tiny little spheres

floating

in the sips of drinks I should not have.
alcohol addicted.

I am losing my mind.
360 · Feb 6
;
;
what does it mean to 'continue'?
;
359 · Apr 8
surround me
when you were close
your voice would drown me
your hurtful words
the silence crowns me
i stayed quite because i knew
thats the only way i would keep you
i wept
i barely slept
i stayed awake
every stupid decision id make
i did it for you
for your praise
your time
i wish youd stayed
called us "mine"
for an old abuser
349 · Mar 9
Isnt that funny?
Isn't it so funny
as soon as you get back with him
the truth bites you in the ***
again
isnt it so funny
as soon as hes gone you crawl right back to us
i wont let you hurt her again.
if my body is made of tiny broken stars
yours is filled with the trash discarded in the void of space.
isnt that funny f?

As
they got broken up with. came crawling right back.
do they really think im that pathetic?
335 · Mar 2
silent battle
ive never understood why it happened
maybe i was misbehaving
maybe i was bad
maybe he just wanted to
to hurt me and make me sad

wheather it was my misbehavior
or his ***** second nature

i grew up mature
never a child
always an angel
never able to speak out

using my own words against myself

"i was too young to ask for that."

i never would have anyway.

-LJS
liam wrote this in his journal before he went dormant.
I walk toward the door
Lights getting brighter by the second

'i was hoping youd stay'

I
Hesitate.

only for a moment.

and then i am gone.

when i think about that day, i wish i had stayed
closer
to
you.

i wish i had hugged you tighter...

i wish i had said more than 'goodbye'


i wish



we





hadnt



grown














distant.

-Liam
a poem for a friend. even though he will never see it.
315 · Feb 6
Toys
When you were a kid, you had a favorite toy.
Be it a doll, a tiny truck, a car, a stuffy.
You did have one.

While you had one,
I was one.

I was played with.
Fed upon.
Made to be used and abused

Isn't it funny?
How some people are like like kids,
and Others are more like their pretty, little, shiny, toys.

"Oh mommy!" He would cry
"She is so pretty"
"So Cute"
"so wet..."

Malicious


I am not a toy
I am a real person
I am real

am I?
****** assault as a child
310 · Mar 27
Thursday's child
Thursday's child has far to go.
a child borne
of beauty and grace
so much more
a pretty face
her mind usually still
calm
is wild
racing
she fights
not only to survive
to live
to love
for her right
to be a human

Thursday's child has a voice
Thursday's child made a choice
to many a persons dismay
Thursday's child decides
to stay

Thursday's child
not full of woe
unfortunately
still far to go
19 days left
305 · Mar 10
Maps- The Front Bottoms
You say, "I hate you," you mean it
And "I love you" sounds fake
It's taken me so long to figure that out
I used to love the taste, I would do anything for it
Now I would do anything to get the taste out of my mouth
1: when i was 4 i was a model. my mom starved me for a lot of that time. i quit when i was 5.

2: when i want to cut myself, i make myself read three books.

3: im hyperlexic. ive been reading since i was 3 1/2.

4: i have osdd 1-B but us "I/Me/Myself" for things so people dont get weird about it.

5: i love music

6: my family has 5 generations of teen pregnancy by ****.

7: my bio grandma was shot at 15 after having my mom.

8: ive been stabbed 3 times.

9: my dad fed me **** gummies on accident one time.

10: im using a kindle to write this. yes a kindle. black and white. meant only for books.
fun facts i guess
281 · Feb 14
Yellow converse
When I was 14 years old, I went to a thrift shop with my best friend.
It wouldve been late September, early October.
We were talking about our futures, when he mentioned that he didnt know my favorite color.

I told him to guess.

He pondered for a bit and then picked up a pair of pretty yellow converse and shouts out "Yellow!"
He looked so happy, I just nodded and said yes.

I would wear those converse every single day for the next 6 months, they would see as I fell head over heels in love with him.

I stopped wearing them in 2025 after my first attempt of the year.



Yellow is my favorite color.

i saw bits of it in everything after that.
saw it everywhere.

eventually that friend and i would grow apart.
meet new people
stop talking entirely

i will be told that i was an awful person

yet... yellow remains my favorite color.

those shoes still sit in my closet.
a testament to my unspoken love.
i will wear them periodically for the next 5 years until they burn in a fire i caused.

until then

yellow will always be my favorite color.
thinking of making this into a song
(a dream i had)
yellow is bubbly
sour and tasty
yellow is bright
yellow truthful

yellow is *****
yellow is oily
yellow is lonely

yellow is unfortunate
273 · Apr 2
the truth
i cant even lie I was going to **** myself last night
You pulled me from my head and made everything all right.
You made my life make sense, put everything in line,
I laid back down again, everything seemed fine.

today I went through motions, tired and devoid of emotions
my brain was wrongly wired, it was you that i admired.
I wish you could've helped me
I wish you had known.
set my stupid mind free, all my worries flown.
i thought i was getting better...
271 · Feb 4
I wore blue
(I wore blue)

It was spring, I remember.
2022
My mother didnt wake me.
left it to the Sun's golden hue.
When she awoke, "why must you forsake me?!"
Thats when I knew.
We parked in a garden of stone,
So many things to do.
As she rested her grey head,
dressed up in red,
while I wore blue.
Would grammy have been cross?
She was always the boss.
I honestly have no clue...
But for all who may have wondered,
this much I'm sure is true.
No one as sad as I that night,
the night that i wore blue.
loss of life and color.

I will miss wearing blue.
264 · Feb 10
Cuts II
i want to cut again
make pretty little lines
i want to take the razor
and make it my demise

i want to cut again
watch the red pour
i want to cut my legs
behind a closed door

see, i used ro cut daily
before my friends found out
i made another promise
"what was that about?"

my parents used to yell at me
my friends used to try
the worst reaction that i got
was seeing Moonbeam cry

i want to cut again
now that moon is gone
i want to hurt again
its really been too long.
guess what? im 7 days clean.
263 · Mar 26
dear mom.
dear mom,

when i was born to a 16 year old, do you think it was my plan to hurt you? to ruin you? i made your life hell, i know. but this was out of my control.
mommy i love you
mommy look im reading
look how smart i am
look how good i am
look how nice i am
look how kind i am
see how tired i am
see how lonely i am
how alone
how sickly
mommy why wont you answer me
have i done something wrong?
i did everything for you.
no matter how hard i tried it was never enough.
when daddy came back to get me
you fought
you genuinely loved me
and i never wanted to see him
i loved you
daddy had left
hurt me
hurt you
but as soon as you won
didnt you cry?
wish i had been taken?
i remember that night you prayed to god for me to go away
how i was hurting you
you were my age when you had me
nearly an adult
adult enough to go to that party
to go find your man friend
to lie and say you coud drink
but what happened?
daddy forgot he hated condoms.
forgot he didnt like consent
yet it was my faut after
im sorry mommy
im sorry i wasnt good enough.
fast forward me 2019
taking it out on my grades and never happy
put on a mask for the parents and bottle up my sorrow study and work til i see the light of tomorrow
suddenly im 13
hardly 3 days clean
picking up scraps and taking pills i cant seem
to pronounce the names of
my grades are slipping
my life crumbling
im turning fifteen in 3 weeks
its like you dont even know me.
like you kept having kids to fil the void
stopl hurting me
i didnt deserve it
i was always good
i did everything to make you happy

love,
Holly
a letter to my mom
258 · Feb 5
nicotine
nicotine
touching me
crushing me
its
hard to breathe
hard to see
im
screaming please
come help me
you
look at me
start to leave
what a ******.

youre always so hard to please.
yet i always want you when youre gone...
why is it so hard to quit? i miss when i could make it through the day without craving flavored freaking air.

(self censoring)
242 · Mar 2
writing on the wall
Thou shalt not lie

Yet we continue to hurt others with our words

Thou shalt not ******

Yet we continue to hurt others with our hands

Thou shalt not cheat

Yet we continue to hurt others with our actions

read the writing on the wall

the day will come

our kingdom will fall

fire and ashes rain from the sky

purest sould to heaven they fly

heaven and earth

they will collide

man and god

side by side
the rapture in my words
(we are semi religious)
we used to walk downtown
close to Christmas
you would be stoic and quiet
I would get excited over anything we saw

you wrote poems about me
you told me the most wonderful stories
I always listened
when you called me your little Sunlet

I loved you
I still do

to love a poet is not the same as to be loved by a poet.
to be loved
is so much more fulfilling
I loved you

moon

-L
to my sweet moonbeam
you are loved
you are missed
233 · Feb 28
selfishly sick
wasnt any reason for me to lie.
the scars and bruises where they lie
why on earth do you doubt
why do you push and shove and shout

selfishly sick is what i be
the trauma fake? oh honestly!
i let it happen
i hurt myself
i do it all
and don't ask for help

i am failing critically
i am sick, selfishly.

i let you laugh
i let you lie
i kiss my "normal" life goodbye.
i let my thoughts
dissipate
let the next person take my place

if i lied for over a year
wouldnt that make the truth everclear?
foggy memories swirling endlessly

we are sick, selfishly

-yjp
a poem about our mother not being able to accept our disorder.
(dx)
cerul wasnt an average child.
they were smart
kind
charming
elegant
sweet

at least thats what adults told them.
cerul didnt lack much
save for... inspiration. cerul wasnt one to be inspired easily.
cerul looked at all the other colorful children and then looked down upon their dark grey hands.
they felt ugly.
one fateful day, crimson happened to walk up to cerul and they sat together. crimsor took down her flowing, bright red hair and put her tie into ceruls hair. a flow of red went through their pale hair.
crimson smiled and left.

cerul was jealous.
to them it came easy.
they never lost color.
or inspiration.
they didnt lack talent.
colorful children were always favoured.
they would never have a home.

cerul talked to all kinds of people.
sage
aqua
prussian
even prune and azure.

none of them had advice.

cerul sat against the floor one day and cried. for many hours they cried.
they cried until the grey smudged into black.
until the red rushed from their hair.
until they were numb again.

cerul waited for something; anything to happen.
and nothing ever did.
cerul.
working on this for a contest! lmk how i did.
232 · Feb 4
cuts
why do people self harm?
why do I self harm?
I am only a child, after all.
do you like my cuts?
do you like my pretty scars?
I made them just for you...
oh.. mommy doesn't like my cuts?
daddy yelled at me too.
pretty red lines
dancing in a row
some deep, some thin
some still bleeding
oh
I've gone too far again.
I wrote this during an episode in my journal.
April 8th 2024
228 · Mar 26
Dear dad.
Dear dad,

when you left, it broke mommy.
you hurt her
an then as soon as she tried to get better you tried to take me away
you hurt me deeply too you know
not only me
not only her
you hurt nana, poi.
you hurt us all
as soon as i was "old enough" i was used
and you defended your brother
because of course you did.
you chose him over me
i hate you.

i dont really.
i dont.
i love you
because im supposed to.

Love,
Holly.
a letter to my dad
227 · Mar 3
fifteen
lace and distaste
affection and addiction
obsession and possession
the pain without gain
the rotting of the brain

the parents pride and prune and preen
you've finally turned 15

lack of sleep
little to eat
just take more medication
if that doesnt help, review it on yelp
and theyll say you just lacked dedication.

the adults find you fit to be seen
"you're not actually 15?"

the brain shutting down
systems start to drown
you're  not  in  the  best scene

welcome one
welcome all

another fool turning fifteen.

-Ajs
wow im a freak.
i hate being 15
213 · Feb 4
trying
I'm hungry
I'm empty
I'm drowning
I'm starving
I'm cutting
I'm restarting
I'm failing
I'm crying
I'm flailing
I'm lying
I'm losing
I'm dying
I'm choosing
"I'm trying."
liar.
they are disgusted by my blood
yet they yearn to see me bleed
they listen to my screams
and watch as im torn by the seams
i lie awake in bed
thoughts slicing through my head
less than
more than
i am no more than
a silly naiive little girl
trapped in this body
on display to the world.
a basket case
lost in haze
im really tired of people not knowing whether to hurt me or pick me up.
im drowning in a sea of emotions i dont really feel
is any of this real
207 · Feb 10
Hallway
I sit on the cold tile
outside my class
people walking by
cold digging into my ***

the squeak and buzz of basket ball boys
girls laughing around the corner.
I work on my project
my poems
my life

and somehow it doesn't get any warmer.
currently in the school hall because I had a panic attack again IN ******* CLASS
205 · Mar 2
I give you strength
The sweetest of confections
The dearest of affections
Sweet nothings to the ear
A  symphony you will never hear
Spindly drawings on the wrists
A horrid mural with a twist
Shattered wings that cannot fly
Turn around and say goodbye
Close your eyes and wish for love
From a supposed deity up above
Hope for tomorrow
Live for today
There is still so much left to say
Soft melodies in the harsh, humid air
But no one listens or seems to care
Take a breath and rest your head
Fall to the ground, an earthy bed
Taste the comfort and feel the warmth
Hear the music and go forth
Learn your lesson, seize the day
Forge The path
Pave the way.
im proud of you.
something i thought of during my nap/rest time today.
hope you enjoyed
201 · Feb 7
Sleep Patterns
September 9th, 2001
Gary and I were skating at a hospital on top of a huge hill, overlooking a valley
An ambulance came and took out a dead woman
Gary asked me why she wasn't moving or blinking
They hadn't closed her eyes yet
She must have died on the way

A car full of family and friends came in with the ambulance
They were all crying and hugging each other
One woman screamed hysterically
And grabbed at the woman's body asking her to wake up

I had to tell Gary that her soul went to heaven
I didn't believe a word of it, but I knew it'd be easier for him to understand
Two days from now, at 9 a.m., the planes will hit the World Trade Center
Killing over 3, 000 people
I will tell Gary that there is no God, and all of this is meaningless

But today, there is a God, and He has a plan for him

He doesn't know it, but a year from now, our family will be torn apart
And I will move far away and won't see or talk to him for five years
And as we sit on the hood of our car, the sun goes down
And he asks me what I wanted all my life

I tell him, "I don't know"

On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid of
On and on we run away
From the things we are afraid

I don't tell him about the dream I had the night before

Where I'm riding in a car full of strangers
And singing to some song I've never heard and smoking a cigarette
We swerve off the road and hit a tree
I go through the windshield and hit the edge of the fence
Dislocating my jaw and flipping me into a wall
Where my neck is broken, and my skull is fractured
I bleed to death in excruciating pain

I will have this dream periodically until I meet all of the strangers one by one
Introducing them all to each other until we are a close group of friends

I will set these events in motion and I will die
But today in the warm light of the sunset
I don't see it, I just see the sunset
I smile back and shake my head

I have absolutely no idea, I am afraid.
this is such a meaningful poem to me.
200 · Mar 18
regress
some people will
tell you
to act your age

a being
who is ageless
in a temporary body

crying
because
she got lost

some can
go back
in time

to a place in their mind
when life was easy
when it didnt hurt

when they were happy
having a bit of a rough patch
poketry is cheaper than therapy
cuz im broke
dear reader
youve been up for hours
you seem so tired.
staring silently while you're crawling quietly tracing reality quickly devouring all of the star dust beyond.
you slip violently
ducking beneath rabbit holes and roots
the water rushing up to meet you
a harsh reality greets you.
fresh palm air ghosting through thine whispers of hair and the seagulls they blare a snappy tune
a cookie to grow
a potion to shrink
honestly a story
to make you think
nonsense!
you cry you bemoan you scream
where are the jokes
there wasnt meant to be any
it was ment to have a point
to make people think
the end is never the end is never the end
your twisted mind starts bickering
two cheshire cats? tweedle dee tweedle doo
tick tock
stop that clock
the small blue bunny runs far away
children with screens
implanted in their tummies
oh so yummy
so delicious
so impure
the rapture of the gods
the magic of beyond
sweet candy houses
tall angry mouses
a dream or reality
who is to say
forced joliety
joy
thats my policy
:)
crazed ramblings of a mad man?
or a code to be cracked by literate scholars?
id rather leave my nonsense everywhere for normals to make sense of
the rules do tend to change here
you used to promise id have to be the one to leave you
whyh do i still love you
why does it hurt so bad
when you gave me back my blankie it still smelled like you
i cried all night
i cut so many times
i bled for you
i did everything you asked.
i did everything
and you left for someone else
just like you did to him
he cries over us you know
i didnt tell anyone
god i wish we had stayed together
i love you
i love you so much still
and yet i was never enough
dont ever say 'i love you' if you dont mean it.
still hurting over this stupid break up.

i thought they loved me.
i once knew a boy
who talked with his fists
but during classes
he scratched at his wrists
i didnt understand
i never knew why
so i chose to help this guy

he didnt like me
he made that clear
a punch to my chest
didnt shed a tear
i bandaged his wounds
gave them a kiss
i pulled my sleeves up
showed him my wrist

he didnt look away
he did the same
bandaged me up
and apologies came
he told me he loved me
then went away
never seen him again
to this very day

if a person hurts you
dont take it too far
their unkind words
stem from a scar
bandage them up
share your own wound
maybe they need help
they could get it from you.

-s
a poem for a lost boy
hope you read it one day
yours, harry (now sunny)
174 · Feb 28
if only, if only
"im lonely, so lonely."
the saphire cries.
"the moon is dark, gone frome the skies."
she glistens and sharpens in her hue.

"if only, if only"
the gemstones reply
"you would be moved, we could see your eye"
they believe a change is due

yes only, if only, the change would come
being left out when others did want to include you hurts.
174 · Mar 16
love is like a wild fire
love is like a wild fire.

not in the way that it spreads and is warm making you so enamoured in someone

no

love is like the stinging heat of the blaze surrounding my home

attacking

unforgiving

love is the flames of heated passion that devour and encapsulate entire families in destruction

love takes everything you hold dear

everyone

and tears them to shreds.

love is not kind to everyone.

love sometimes looks like hatred.
172 · Mar 9
Poor little bunny boy
poor little bunny boy
locked inside your cage
didnt you hear
theres nothing to fear
your death will be staged
this sticky gross flesh will stay on your bones
nobody to love you
your ears trapped in cones
sweet little bunny boy
all alone in this cruel world
everyone is leaving
you have no time for grieving
your soft hair turning frizzy and curled.
dumb little bunny boy
you thought they would stay?
we did too
they all lied to you
youre still the one to pay.
my little bunny boy
stuck in your skin
your small broken voice
lost in the din
my baby bunny boy
everyone is gone
all alone
you stay at home
no one notices youve left
maybe
its
b
e
t
t
e
r
this way.
i hate this body. i hate my mind. why is everything going wrong
im so so tired.
169 · Feb 22
emily's poem
The world doesnt care that you exist
hide your pain and slit your wrists
cover the scars and let them bleed
black out at school filled with greed
get home cut deeper and dont let them see you cry
so pathetic
you dont get it
dont look me in my eyes

hurt yourself
your hurting others
but do you even care
stupid little sunshine
if i hurt you its only fair.
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