I struck up a conversation in a park,
A stranger sharing the seat,
The sun is setting and just about to get dark,
They sounded timid and meek,
We spoke about dreams,
They said ' I find myself standing on a pier,
Looking out to the end and the ocean's gleam',

We met the next day on the same seat,
They said 'today I saw a boat at the end of the pier,
And I had been feeling a fear',
' There is a ferryman in it and calls me near ',
'He doesn't speak any words and just waits'

On the third day I saw them again sitting,
'I've been waking up late each morning',
'The sounds of the ocean keeps me longing',
'I can hear the sounds of the boat creaking',
'And the ferryman continues waiting',

On the fourth day,
'I spoke to the ferryman',
'He didn't speak but he listened away',
'His presence calmed my shaking hands',
'His eyes felt like he was showing the way',
'Under his boat shifted the sands of time',
'I awoke late crying'

On the fifth day,
I sat there and await,
I was curious to hear what they say,
Today they were late,
I looked around to search for them,
I sat there until the dusk at eight,
I wanted to hear about what they dreamed,
I thought to myself they were never late,
They finally got on the boat it seemed,

I stood up and left,
And never again we met.

Everything is moving fast,
At a single blink,
Gone is the days into the past,
All we have our choices to think,
In our decisions to trust,
Distracted by illusions we cast,
Illusions of purpose and freedom to last,
Every decision we make is another path,

Do you not see?

Everything hangs on the scale of choices,
It's just like zeroes and ones,
Like simple binary,
Our destinies coded into reality,
To be or no to be,
To exist or not,
To pursue answers beyond insanity,
A choice to accept or reject,
The very existence of choice,
Dictates free will,
Or so we would believe and feel,
And pretend to be free,
But always end up,
Exactly where we are meant,
to be.

Hello old friend....
We meet once again,
I thought it was the end,
But I came crawling in vain,
More words are to be penned,
To write away the pain,
A soul to mend,
Speaking to you feels like solace in the rain,
The construct is nearly at the end,
Have  to get on the reality train,
Our time has come to an end,
We'll meet again,
Until then,
Goodbye old friend

I recently looked through my poetry,
they are all past stories,
all locked away memories,
I realized something,
something I worry,
all I write are dark story,
fueled by dark memory,
what is happening to me,
when was the last time I was happy,
in my mind is a painful mark,
oh why ! oh why !
are my thoughts,
so dark..

I am in Netherlands,
Through my university course,
Has allowed me to travel across the lands,
Of the beautiful Europe,
Me and a friend have come to lend a hand,
To farmers for voluntary work,
Which is also a school on the farmland,
For kids who can't achieve the mark,
Who can't study in the normal system,
I am in the pure countryside,
And it is beautiful and majestic,
There are fields wide,
Long clean canals blue,
It is a beautiful sight,
I cycle looking at this view,
The sun shining golden bright,
The wind blowing past you,
The dim villages at night,
It feels nice to be away,
Away from the fright,
This is what I like,
This is,
The Dutch countryside

There are heroes,
Who are people who fight evil,
To save lives,
They have the will,
To stay alive,
But now we have a new villain,
Depression, anxiety,panic,OCD,
And many other pain,
And all it takes,
Is a smile,
Or a 'hi',
Ull see people shine,
Just a moment of happiness,
In their troubled life,
No matter how much Ur broken,
Always make people smile,
And a smile so genuine,
So anyone can be a hero,
So go out there,
No matter what,
Go be a hero.

I don't know what to do?,
I might have made a mistake,
Which I never realised or knew,
I thought things would be better,
But I feel under the weather,
I don't know what to do,
I made a mistake,
Which I never knew.

I have given up,
On everything,
I never want to wake up,
And sleep in the evening,
I haven't cleaned up,
My room for months,
Pizza boxes, clothes, unwashed cups,
Cigarette butts and ashes on the floor,
I have no purpose,
I never feel like walking out the door,
I keep wishing a car would hit me,
I keep wishing if I could just drown,
But I never have the courage to go down,
How pathetic,
I know no one will miss me,
Nobody knows me,
I just want to hurt that one person,
To show how much it meant to me,
To satisfy my ego,
I'd give up my life,
Just for the person to realise,
Their mistakes,
To feel my pain.

As a child,
I would carry something,
It was always on my mind,
It could have been anything,
A rock, a pebble and plastic find,
And I would keep it on me at all time,
I never had any friend,
And that weird thing,
Was mine,
I was hold it in my hand,
Talk to it,
Feel it all over,
And I could trust it,
For months I would carry it,
Till I accidentally lose it,
Or my parents throw it,
Relying and trusting a useless object,
Is much better than trusting someone,
The object will never hurt you,
But someone will,
Now since I don't have anyone,
I carry around a necklace,
I bought it for someone dear to me,
Close to my heart,
A necklace with an S,
But I will never get to the part,
To give that person,
And I just have given everything,
To this necklace,
And I rely on it,
It is a source of pain,
But I just can't seem to leave it.

Sometimes let go,
It's less painful than holding on,
To let yourself evolve and grow,
It hopeless to hold on,
To hope,
To barely survive,
To hope for something to never happen,
To expect and believe,
And eventually be broken,
Because you didn't let go,
Because holding on,
The rope will break,
Ull be taken for granted,
You loose your value,
You won't get what you wanted,
It's an ugly thing but true,
There is no point in holding on,
When eventually ull be left,
Left to eat dirt,
Left alone,
There is nothing as hope,
It's a lie,
So just let go

How do I tell someone,
To stop talking to me,
To get out of my life,
Because I can never help,
But fall in love,
Even after trying to forget,
To ignore,
One message and I'm in love,
How do I tell someone who is hurting,
That I don't want to talk to them,
When I am the only person she trusts,
But even I am hurting,
Only thing is I have no one to trust,
I have to suffer to help her,
To make her smile,
I have to shed a tear from my eye,
I cannot leave her,
Atleast not now when she needs me,
But I do not want to talk to her,
Cuz I will fall in love again,
And she will break my heart.. again,
And never love me like I do,
How do I tell someone,
To stop talking to me,
Seems like I am in a catch 22

never dream together,
with someone who is not yours,
you know that there will be never,
be an us,
but still dream with them,
imagine together with them,
create a whole new dimension with them,
I ask to never to that because,
in the future you can't cuz,
they will have someone closer,
and you cannot talk to that person like before,
cannot dream like before,
cannot profess your love like before,
cannot make promises,
every hope is lost,
every effort to get that person in vain,
every memory you feel is pain,
every reality you tied to dreams,
what ones was a paradise in our minds,
but in reality is a nightmare without them,
it's just pain and painful memories,
and some memories last a lifetime.

I keep myself busy,
Try to make music,
With no knowledge on theory of music,
Try to make a game,
With no knowledge on coding,
I am engrossed in these works,
Work for days,
Exhaustion lurks,
I push myself too much on these,
I love these,
But the real reason,
To keep myself in a prison,
To not feel or remember,
Memories locked away,
To hide away in this work,
But then,
My work feels fake,
Everything mentally it takes,
And I end up resenting,
What I make

When you make a friend,
Someone who knows you,
And feel like she will stay till the end,
A feeling develops within you,
The more we talk,
The more this love is there for you,
A friend who would mock,
A friend who would talk,
About endless dreaming with you,
Make plans with you,
Always talking over text,
Everything is perfect,
And everything blinds you,
Cuz you love her,
But.....,
She never loved you,
You imagined a life with her,
U can't leave her,
And she loves someone else,
She will be with her lover,
And you can't even talk to anyone,
Cuz you loved her,
And she was your best friend too,
You have no one to talk to,
You don't know what to do,
Just.....,
Feel this familiar pain,
A pain you are used to,
This is what you get,
For being kind,
Loving,
Caring,
And good,
To someone so much,
Just pain,
Just tearstains,
And sleepless nights,
And empty stomach,
And broken heart,
You are not ready to smile again,
To try yet,
Cuz everytime,
This is what you get.

After so long feels good,
To write again,
Finally in the mood,
Finally more pain,
I thought it went away,
I'd never feel it again,
I guess now it's here to stay,
Finally more darkness,
Thought the light was a way,
The light was a lie,
Now I am not fighting it,
I will not even try,
This is what I like,
This is what I want,
This is my life.

Friend: who is she?
Me: someone who stays up all night,
And chat with me till no end,
In my dark world my guiding light,
A potion of happiness she can blend,
Never once did we ever fight,
Someone who chats with me with no end,
But....
Friend: but what? She sounds perfect!
Me: but....she is just a friend,
Her love string is not at my end,
Love letters I cannot send,
She is just,
A friend,
Friend: why do you wait for her message?
Me: because I love her
Friend: why do you not want to talk to her?
Me: because.....I love her

Surviving and living,
Both have the same meaning,
It is just the difference in feeling,
Let me begin explaining,
Surviving is staying alive,
Just for the sake of being alive,
Surviving is struggling,
Competing,
Fighting,
It is a rough journey,
Full of hatred and being lonely,
Whereas,
Living is surviving,
But with happiness as feeling,
It is a rough journey,
But feeling happy,
In every little story,
Feeling happy with oneself,
Happy with whatever is happening,
Even if your world is crumbling,
Find joy within the disaster,
The aesthetic within the storm,
Don't waste time competing,
Struggling and fighting,
Live life don't fight it,
Once you can smile through a storm,
When happiness is the feeling,
That's when you know,
You are living,
And not surviving.

I have never been kissed,
So I don't know,
The feeling I have missed,
I don't even know how,
To kiss,
But I long for someone,
To press their lips against mine,
To get lost in endless time,
To feel bliss and,
Pleasure In my mind,
People say it is on of a kind,
Cannot be expressed in words,
The feeling of pure bliss,
Now I know what I miss,
The mending of a heart,
With a single kiss

I would never hurt anyone,
Or make them sad,
Even if it risks my reputation,
Or make me feel bad,
I would make you smile,
Even if what you say breaks my heart,
In your shoes I have walked more than a mile,
I know how it feels,
And I would risk everything,
Just so happiness a person could feel,
If I cannot have it,
Doesn't mean others cannot too,
I will sacrifice every bit,
Of my emotions just to make you smile,
I would lie,
I hate you for what you have done to me,
But I can't tell you that,
I can't tell you how I truly feel,
It will hurt you,
And I can't let that happen,
I guess I will give up myself,
To you,
Something like a clown,
Nobody sees the frown,
Behind the laughter and mask,
No one sees the heart,
Behind the entertaining art,
No one knows the truth,
This is the purpose of my creation,
To make you smile,
Even at the cost of my reputation.

Every morning when I wake up,
My heartbeat kicks up,
I am scared,
I'm just sitting on bed,
I think that I woke up to a new day,
I don't know what will happen,
Is it my last day,
Few minutes ago I was in dreamland,
And now I wake up to this nightmare,
Everytime I wake up scared,
My surroundings feel weird,
I don't like it,
I have to sit and breath,
Till everything settles,
Till my heart slows down,
Till I feel,
Safe and sound.

I rest on the couch,
And somebody knocks aloud,
I answer the door,
And there stands she,
And white dress all the way to the floor,
Dark black hair,
Dark as the night sky,
And black wings folded behind her,
death has arrived at my doorstep,
She  puts out her hand,
And utters words in a melodic voice,
"Come with me",
"You were never supposed to be alive",
"U have a choice",
"Stay here among this generation",
"Or wait until your actual creation",
"Your mind is far too advanced"
As it hit me, the realisation,
It made all sense now,
Why is hate everything,
Why i don't like the system,
The education system,
The political system,
Why everything was wrong,
Why there was always something off,
I had thoughts about a different reality,
Thoughts of a new family,
I don't hesitate and take her warm hand,
And step out the door,
And around me is suddenly black sand,
She says this is the gateway to heaven,
A gift from God for all your struggles,
Till your actual birth,
You can live in heaven,
Do whatever you want,
And wait for your actual life.

In life we learn,
If you fail,
Try again,
Even in education,
If you fail,
You are offered one more shot,
To reach the top,
But society, friends mock you,
In class if you fail,
You get to try again,
To take the classes again,
But it has been deemed bad,
By students and teachers alike,
It is used to threaten,
"Don't study and fail",
Makes you feel beaten,
Everyone will mock you,
The mark of failure,
Burned to the flesh,
So what was supposed,
To be a second chance,
Now is a bad glance,
From everyone,
That's just students cheat,
Because they know that they will fail,
And their reputation will fall,
So cheating is the best way,
No one wants to be left behind,
No one wants to destroy their mind,
No one wants to try again,
Just because no one will allow them.

I lay in bed,
My had dangling off the edge,
I don't have any fear,
Of the monster under,
On my face is a tear,
I wish the monster would grab my hand,
And take me to Neverland,
Away from the demons in my life,
I'm not scared of ghosts,
Or titans or ghouls,
I'm scared of people,
People who break my heart,
People who tear me apart,
I'd rather cherish the company,
Of ghosts and monsters,
Cuz they try to scare or **** you,
They **** your mortal vessel,
But people I knew,
They **** me from inside,
They **** my soul,
They will lead me,
To **** myself,
A slit on my wrist,
In pain my body twists,
The warm blood gushing out,
The light fading out,
Finally I can sleep,
Only time safe it keeps,
No one can hurt me when I sleep,
I drift to the dreamland,
Finally I can be here forever,
And on earth my corpse lay on the sand,
Nobody can harm me,
Nobody can break me,
Not another tear,
Across my cheek,
Or within my heart.

Come with me,
Let us just runaway,
To some place far away,
Hop on the midnight Train,
Leave behind all the pain,
The fresh smell of rain,
Don't know where,
But we will know,
When we get there,
Struggle for living,
Jobs one after another,
But all that won't affect us,
As long as we have each other,
Live in a peaceful village,
By the forest,
Farm for the best,
Every Morning,
Smell the fresh air,
Birds chirping here and there,
Life is brought another,
A happy mother,
Remember the day,
Together We ran away,
On the midnight Train,
With the aesthetic smell of rain,
So I ask you,
Take my hand,
Let's runaway,
And catch the midnight Train,
During the rain.

Why is the truth painful,
To keep it hidden is painful,
To say it is painful,
To know it is painful,
I guess that's why people lie,
Just so they don't hurt anybody,
So that nobody has to die,
From the inside,
But then if only people were Satisfied,
All the tears cried,
The attempts tried,
The heart pried,
Heart broken,
All because someone said the truth,
Or they lied.

New years are depressing,
I don't want to go to the next one,
I don't want to grow older,
With life I am done,
Every year I grow weaker,
And more insecure,
Every new year,
Is a fear,
Of getting closer to death,
Of losing people,
Of being alone......,
Another year,
Another tear,
Happy new year.

if I tell her I love her,
we lose our friendship,
if I don't,
I lose my heart,
I don't know what to do,
I just want to be with you,
because I'm in love with you....

I feel happy when I hear your voice,
I fell in love with you,
I did not have a choice,
And when I told you,
I could never hear your voice,
Your eyes would never meet mine too,
My heart felt like broken toys,
You became a ghost,
For you I was just another boy,
You are what my heart desires the most,
For you to play with I was not a toy,
I was just a boy,
Whose happiness was your voice,
And he fell in love with you,
He did not have a choice.

I think I realised why it's called falling,
It's like falling in real life,
U use a stick or support for walking,
U use a person to support you in life,
But either leaves you,
You can't walk,
Can't talk,
Can't stand,
Can't hold her hand,
U hate everything,
Don't care about anything,
And crawl on,
Until you find,
Another stick,
To pick,
And lean on,
And carry on,
So this is why,
It's called falling,
In love.