I need to scream.
I need to inhale and
then exhale
loudly
forcefully
and audibly,
But this requires that I
first
know how to breathe.
I need to breathe.
But Can’t.
That requires me to
shut out the noise in
my mind
And focus on
Inhaling
And then exhaling.
Again and again.
But this task is
impossible
For someone who’s mind
Is ON
ALL OF
THE TIME.
So
How does one shut out
the noise
when all you can do is
listen
and hear
what no one else can?
I need to scream.
I need to bleed,
And ****,
And fight.
But all I can do
Is sit here
And Need.

You were a warm, weighted blanket,
You comforted me when I was alone.
You made me feel safe and well,
You quickly became my home.
Your embrace was warm and welcoming,
But soon became too hot.
I tried to kick you off of me,
I fought with all I’ve got.
Your hold was now too tight,
Sometimes I couldn’t breathe.
I swore I’d never touch you again,
But I’m truth, I couldn’t leave.
You were all I never wanted,
This thing, sewn to my bed,
But I couldn’t ask a soul for help,
So I clung to you instead.
People soon began to worry,
If I was doing alright.
I missed work, events, and meals,
Just to sleep with you at night.
I thought that I could manage you,
That I could pick and choose…
“An evening here, an evening there”
But it’s a game that I would lose.
One night you suffocated me,
Made me sleep for “one last time”.
But someone cut you off of me,
And brought me back to life.
I really thought I loved you,
But I should have known better.
I should have known you’d almost **** me…
I should have bought a sweater.

I'm running.
I'm running out of patience
I'm running out of time
I'm running from myself
And All I do is cry.
I'm running on empty
I'm on autopilot now
Breathing has become a labor
And I just don't know how.
This pressure is so suffocating
I can't seem to smile
I just want to run
To Get away for a while.
But these chains, they bind me here
I can't let them down
But I can't save myself
I need you now.
This emptiness is killing me
I don't know where to turn
And so I'll run into the sun
And Away my soul will burn.

My heart’s been pulled out of my chest. And I’m the one who pulled it. All of my decisions have led to this point and now I have to deal with the consequences. I am a murderer. I am my own judge and jury and I am going away for a LONG time...

When my body and soul want to die,
Your glittering image strikes my eye,
Flowers befall me,
The pain melts away,
When my mind says “go!”
My heart wants to stay.
The devil can’t catch me,
I’m safe in your arms,
You won’t let the voices,
Do me much harm.
You kiss away tears,
You hold me so close,
You make me smile
when I’m hurting the most.
So when I call you my angel,
I just want to say,
When the demons surround me,
I say NOT TODAY.

Why do I matter? Why should I stay?
Because where you leave your pain and suffering, many people who are still here will pick it up... Yes, you may feel like no one cares or they wouldn’t notice if you left, but you are wrong. You're worth much more than you realize. Every persons life is important and meaningful because of how we are all connected. Look around... how many people are in your world? How many people have you come in contact with? Even if they never met you in person, even if they've never said a word to you; your death would affect their life.
One of my brother’s best friends died when we were in high school. Geoff was never a huge part in my life, but he was in my world. He was always over my house because my brother and his were best friends and they were swim/water polo teammates.  His death was caused by meningitis, not suicide, but even so, it impacted so many people and took everyone by surprise. When they announced his name over the loud speaker that day at school, I felt a part of my heart break... Because I knew that right then, his parents, sister and his older brother were in so much pain... Because I knew all of his friends, my brother included, were crying, mourning and thinking of all of the times they had had with him. Even to this day, almost 10 years later, people still post things about him on Facebook. Every year on his birthday, I see people sharing photos and memories. I see his brothers posts on the anniversary of his death and my heart breaks over and over. I watched his brother collapse and scream — crying over the loss of his brother. I'll never forget that sound. I can never forget that image. His parents had a complete mental break down. His mom was actually institutionalized afterwards because she was a danger to herself. His father became an alcoholic very soon after Geoffs death. No one could comprehend what life was going to be like without Geoff. Even people like me, someone who only knew him in passing, were affected by his death. You may think that you are worthless, that no one will miss you, that this pain will never end, but you aren’t, they will, and it will. Trust me love. I’ve gone through 27 years of fighting mental illness, loss, and suicide attempts. I know exactly what you’re going through, but committing suicide would destroy a lot of people. This is a part of the reason I hold on. So, Please don't give up. It gets better.

Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?

Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?

You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.

She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”

She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.

Lies, Lies, it’s all a bunch of lies,
Everything that comes out of this hole of mine,
Lies, Lies, why are you surprised?
You’ve caught me before — time after time.
So many lies got me confusing myself,
So give me the liquor off the highest shelf.
Except I don’t drink, I don’t kiss, I don’t tell,
Ive created a paradise in my own private hell.
It’s built up completely of my perfect little lies,
I’ve become the person that I most despise,
All I do is cheat and look you dead in the eyes,
Tell you what you want to hear and listen to your cries.
No remorse, not a care, not a single **** given,
My truthful story, it must stay hidden,
Cause you see all these things are wrong and forbidden.
You threaten to leave me, and I know you’re not kidding.
So I must keep up this clever disguise,
I must keep lying to your beautiful eyes.
So I ask you now, why even try?
Do yourself a favor, and just say goodbye.

Collapse on to me, receive your love,
but you’re not the girl I’m thinking of.
Hearts beating fast, you’re a tough act to follow,
I’m sorry if this is too hard to swallow.
But I can picture her, where you now lie,
Even as hard as I may try,
I picture her where you now stand,
I’m sure you know this wasn’t planned.
I’m putting your body in place of her own,
Because I’m terrified of feeling alone.
I miss her warmth, the sound of her moaning,
It’s for her flesh my soul is groaning.
And so with you, I’ll fill the gaps,
I’ll play all my cards, I’ll set all my traps,
I’ll get you to love me, and take over your mind,
You know my type, the manipulative kind.
And when she comes back, as she always does,
I’ll shower her with all my love.
You’ll be just a memory, a few grains of sand,
Because you were just a one-night stand.

Woke up feeling restless,
You left me feeling breathless
Walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And made it all a dream.

You came into my world,
Wrapped me in your curls,
You walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And now nothing’s what it seems.

You stand there so brave,
You lend out your hand
You help in the way,
No one could understand.
You make it all alright,
Shutting down my tears,
You came into my nightmare,
And silenced all my fears.

Woke up feeling restless,
You always leave me breathless,
You walked right into my nightmare,
Right into my nightmare,
And you made me believe.

There’s a happy ever after,
As long as we’re together,
That now I can see
You walked right into my nightmare
Right into my nightmare,
And made my life complete.

The dust kicks up behind each step,
Things aren't the same since the day you left.
I know it's only been a day,
But each second seems so far away.
Her door slides closed and she drives back home,
And now my heart feels so alone.
I love her laugh, her smile, her face.
The way she walks with elegant grace.
I'd rather no other way to spend my time,
Then with the girl who I call mine.
She stands so close, her arms around me,
I feel her love completely surround me.
Her lips, so soft, caress my skin,
It feels so good, it should be a sin.
Her eyes they shine against the night sky,
But now we have to say goodbye.
My poor lonely heart gets no reprieve,
Every time I watch her leave.

Won’t someone be my friend?
I’m getting oh so lost again.
I was left here in darkness so long ago,
I searched for love but only found snow.
I searched far and wide each day
and eventually found you on the way.
I thought you were it,
for what I had prayed
I thought you were light,
For my soul you had saved
Too bad you had to go and break,
my already fragile heart.

You Watch it crumble and watch it fry
Your bright orange sun would not subside
You set me a blaze and now i cry,
with painful burns I wonder why.
I gave you my heart for you were my sister,
I asked you to care for it gently,
As it was prone to blister.
My heart had been tormented before.
But you killed it... it won’t beat anymore.

I cared for you for so many years
I kept your secrets, tried to soothe your fears,
yet you take this dagger and plunge it into my back.
You pierced my heart in your viscous attack.
Your fire has gone and your song will not play
So I’m saying goodbye and that’s ok.
I won’t sing your treacherous melody anymore.
I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before...
So goodbye my friend.
Goodbye for forever.
Goodbye my dear love,
I thought you would never
Break my fragile heart... but you did.

I'm hemorrhaging out of my chest
where my heart used to be.
He just threw the kitchen sink at me.
I couldn't dodge it, for It was too large.
I couldn’t  evade his powerful charge.
Every insult, that one can imagine,
Spewed from his mouth, begging for a reaction.
I tried to stay strong, I couldn’t break down,
I held back my tears, I kept in my frown.
It’s always the same, night after night,
So why even bother to put up a fight?
Now as I lay dying, an empty shell
I sit here alone in my own private hell.

It’s all about the way you care,
With no ulterior motives there.
It makes a difference if to try and fix this,
You lay your soul out bare.

You can try, you can try, you can try to cut her down, but she’s not fallin,
You can try, you can try, you can try to pull her down, but she’s not movin,
You can try, you can try, you can try to make her drown, but she’s not drowning,
No she’s not drowning again!
She’s not dying again!

Desperation sound,
Makes her come around.
It means more when you are bleeding.
It makes her feel found.

You can cry, you can beg, you can try to change her mind, but she’s not changin.
You can snoop, you can sneak, you can lie right through your teeth, but she’s not believin.
You can push, you can shove, you can try to force her love, but she’s not loving.
No, she’s not loving you again!
She’s never looking back there again!

Don’t call her sadistic,
That will make her ballistic,
She’s just a willow tree with her roots in the ground.
She’s just animalistic.
So don’t try to change her or tear her down.
Herself, she’s finally found.

I’m her eyes, I am more than the sum of my parts.
In her eyes, I am more than the dust in the air.
I’m her eyes, I’m strong and my beauty is real, oh
But that’s not the way that I’m supposed to feel so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! Now she means everything to me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

In her arms, I melt down to nothin.
In her arms, my soul has come back home.
In her arms, I’m really starting to feel something,
But that’s not how these things usually go so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! I’m starting to feel like this ain’t the death of me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Because of her, my world has flipped on its head.
Because of her, there’s a sweeter smell in my bed.
Because of her, the darkness is turning to light.
Because of her, with my demons I will put up a fight

I will treat my flesh as if it were hers,
Instead of blood, I’ll use ink to write out my words.
I can claw, I can fight, I can heal from these burns!

SHE STUNS ME! She breathes the life right back into me,
SHE STUNS ME! My heart has burst into flames you see,
SHE STUNS ME! Now i can be who I want to be!
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Why’d you go and do that to me?
You know what “we” meant to me.
Why’d you go on and **** her?
You said you didn’t even love her.
Why’d you go and break my heart?
Because of you, I fell apart.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For happiness I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t tell me lies,
But you still looked me in the eyes
and said you loved me.

What made her so special?
Why was she so ******* special?
Why’d you have to break my heart?
I was putting back the pieces when you ripped them apart.
Now because of you, my bed is tainted.
You should have said no. You should have waited.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For a love I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
You went and stole my heart,
Now you’re tearing it apart.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
And as you turn to leave, I’ll still beg and plea,
For you to love me.

Wrapped in my mind once again.
“I’ll never view you as just a friend.”
Could this be something more,
Before you go and close that door?
Because to you it’s just a game,
And it’s driving me insane.
I can’t even seem to breathe.
Maybe it’s best if you leave because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

Your arms around my neck once again,
Making my head spin and spin
You never wanted something more,
So you went and slammed that door.
Because to you, I was a conquest.
Of your allure, it was just a ****** up contest
Now your hands are around my throat.
When I’m dead, try not to gloat because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

And on and on this torture goes,
When it will stop, nobody knows, yeah
Because to you, I’m just a game.
See, you’ve driven me insane because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me

I don’t know what to say anymore,
Nothing can make this right.
You want so badly to save us,
But I don’t want to put up a fight.
We’re in a sinking ship here,
But you’ve still got buckets in your hands.
You keep screaming for me to help you,
But I can’t accept your demands.
You’re asking me to choose here:
“It’s either me or her.”
But you’ve played this game before with me,
So I’m taking her offer.

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

I don’t know what to write anymore.
Can’t pick up my pen and go.
You still beg me for the words,
But these words I’ll never show.
You fret over every word I said,
Like a moment stopped in time.
You scratch, I bleed and look at you,
And you say I crossed a line but,

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

And then you turn me around again,
And hold me ever close.
All I wanted was to love,
I’m such a lonely ghost.
Save me now I’m drowning,
This ship is going down.
The fires spreading rapidly,
And our bodies won’t be found.

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

I don’t know how to make this right
I hurt you and it’s unfair
I don’t want to yell or fight
I just want you to stare.
Watch me rip myself to shreds
Cause it’s the honest truth
I’ve lied to you before my love
I’ve taken all your youth
The succubus has ****** you dry
And now it’s time to pay
You beg and scream and loudly cry
When I tell you not to stay
You want another chance at love
But that just isn’t me.
I require more than what you have
But you will never see
I’m an animal — selfish and insecure
And I’m going to stay this way.
Still, I’m sorry for your suffering
Every single day.
No apology will ever suffice
For these sins that I have done
No gift, no words, no poem or song
For your sorrow weighs a ton.
So please, just turn and leave me here
I’m not worth all this pain
You see how I’ve treated you
You know that I’m insane.
I don’t know how to make this right
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what else to try
So now I say goodbye to you

Chew them up and spit them out.
Focus now. Now talk.
Nope — can’t speak the words aloud.
My mouth is filled with caulk.
Visions of words play out in my head
But I can’t get them to play nice.
Instead things have to be left unsaid.
Or I will pay the price.
Can’t risk it. Can’t say it.
It’s wriggling out of control
Can’t chance it. Can’t do it.
Can't say anything at all.

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out. Spit it out.
Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out Already!”

Spasms before they leave your lips
You’re ******* the words up
You apologize again for it.
An overflowing cup.
****** distortion. Mental exhaustion
Teeth clamped down tight.
Depression sets in, the fear sinking in
You  try with all your might.
Chewing on yourself again,
Embarrassment creeps in.
It’s not about if it will happen,
The question is “when?”

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out. Spit it out.
Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out Already!”

The muscles are darting,
oh no it’s starting,
Your hands begin to shake.
Your tongue slides left,
Your neck bends right.
How much more of this can I take?
You want to run
You want to hide
But there’s nowhere to go.
You can’t run away from it,
Your face you have to show.
You try to stay as still as you can
So no one else can see,
You just want to cut out your tongue
But speech is a necessity.

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
The song must be sung.”
Can’t chew it up, or spit it out
This disorders got my tongue.

seeing **** that isn’t there,
hearing **** that isn’t real,
memories can’t be trusted.
the shadow people,
that used to scare me,
now long to be dusted.
9 pills down the hatch,
9 pills swallowed to cure me.
they stick inside my throat,
“They’ll start to work soon,
Just be patient.”
as they write another note.
the doses start to increase,
my tongue starts to spasm.
my hands shake as well,
i thought these things
we’re supposed to heal me,
instead I’m in living hell.
“Benefits do outweigh
the horrible side effects”
is what the doctors say.
so I keep on taking them,
choking them down,
every night and day.
but the **** is still there,
i can see it, and I can hear it too.
its plain as day, staring at me.
it’s as real as me and,
wait. are you?

Into madness, fall from sadness,
Struggle just to be.
Is this illusion just a delusion?
This pain envelopes me.
My mind is tangled, heart is strangled,
My demons follow close.
Help me escape, wrapped in red tape,
You’re the demon that haunts me the most.
Leave my skin red and raw,
The scars, they never fade.
Always bleeding, always seething,
Shadows follow night and day.
The figures watch my every move,
Whispers flood my ears.
“I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim”,
And they know my darkest fears.
The pills are supposed to heal my soul,
So I choke all of them down.
But the bugs still crawl under my skin,
Yet when I look they can’t be found.
I pull at my hair, checking if there
Is some proof that I am sane,
But ****** fingers always tell me,
The problem is in my brain.

They all see what she wants them to see. They can’t see the darkness inside. They can’t see the wounds that she gave herself. Wounds that she always hides. She fixes dinner, prays for release, and rolls over when it’s over cause she’s just another broken housewife.
She’s defective straight out of the box. She gets her happiness from a bottle. Just another pill down the shoot, then another, then another. She tucks the kids in, and does her very best to hold it all together for them. But she’s unraveling at the seams. She wants nothing more than to please cause she’s just another broken housewife.
No one can see her tears. No one can hear her screams. No one is there to care for her wounds. The black and blue patches that litter her skin. She’s good at hiding everything. She’s so good at holding everything in cause she’s just another broken housewife.

You’re so slick
Don’t you think so?
There’s no limit To how far you’ll go
You’re so sick
Yes I think so
My limits have been pushed
As far as they can go.
This wound I pick
Yes, for the blood flow
I’ve got stains I’ll never show
Don’t push me
Don’t test me
Don’t fight me
Just bite me
Ok a little fight
Now and then
And Over and over again.
Don’t you dare act like you care
I know the honest truth
You **** me dry
Empty and bare
You’ve ****** me of my youth
You’re so slick
Don’t you think so?
Cause I don’t.

Why does it have to be so hard?
You’ve left my broken heart
Why do I put up such a guard?
We’re here falling apart
Love me gently. Mind your screams.
You never could have known
Tears fall down in constant streams.
You chill me to the bone
Watch me turn away from you
Beg me not to go
The smoke surrounds me far from you
Up high is where I’ll go
Can we save this bleeding heart?
Is it worth the fight?
My heart says “Let it fall apart”
And maybe it is right.
What’s the point of this charade?
Round and round we spin
I’m dying where my head has laid
Please forgive me of my sins.
Why does it have to be so hard?
You’ve left me here to die
You’ve played your final hand of cards
So now I say goodbye.

Falling from my head
These thoughts that make us worry again
These thoughts that make us wonder again
These thoughts that make us
Falling from my head
This paranoia again
They’re watching us again
They’re always there to
Make me wonder
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they hear me?
Can they see... Me?
Falling out of time
I dip and try to hide
From the monster I am inside
This monster growing
Makes me wonder,
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they see?

PULLING the edges
Until THE blood comes through
The darkened SKIN
Never new TO you
Turn them into permanent FIXtures
Turn THEM into scars
Line your body with a constellation
of crooked moons and stars
RIPPING until it hurts
BECAUSE the PAIN IS the best part
Let THE PROOF run down your face
Prove you have a heart
DIG a little deeper NOW
til your nails turn red
Careful now SWEETHEART,
Any more and YOU'RE DEAD.

He used to care for my wounds like each one was too fragile to touch.
Now he just looks at each scar in disgust.
His eyes once soft for my pain, have come to grow cold.
It’s as if to him, my suffering has grown old.
He used to lay with me each morning and trace his fingers on my skin.
Now patience has become sin.
He would always use his words to ease my darkened thoughts.
But now when I’m lost, he just shuts himself off.
My anxiety and depression used to be met with understanding and love.
But after 8 years, I guess he’s done all that he could of...
The day he asked for my hand was one of the happiest days of my life.
Now each day is met with strife.
Each thing I use to say to him would be listened to with care.
Now it’s like I’m not even there.
We used to communicate without a problem or fight.
But now every word is said with a bite.
Each cut that I made on my skin would lead to an empathetic kiss.
Now each one adds distance.
His heart was so pure but now it’s so hard to access.
Where did my love go that I used to know best?
And will it be like this for the rest?

"Funny, I don't remember no good dope days. I remember walking for miles in a dope fiend haze. I remember sleeping in houses that had no electric. I remember being called a ******, but I couldn't accept it. I remember hanging out in abandos that were empty and dark. I remember shooting up in the bathroom and falling out at the park. I remember nodding out in front of my sisters kid. I remember not remembering half of the things that I did. I remember the dope man's time frame, just ten more minutes. I remember those days being so sick that I just wanted to end it. I remember the birthdays and holiday celebrations. All the things I missed during my incarceration. I remember overdosing on my bedroom floor. I remember my sisters cry and my dad having to break down the door. I remember the look on his face when I opened my eyes, thinking today was the day that his baby had died. I remember blaming myself when my mom decided to leave. I remember the guilt I felt in my chest making it hard to breathe. I remember caring so much but not knowing how to show it. and I know to this day that she probably don't even know it. I remember feeling like I lost all hope. I remember giving up my body for the next bag of dope. I remember only causing pain, destruction and harm. I remember the track marks the needles left on my arm. I remember watching the slow break up of my home. I remember thinking my family would be better off if I just left them alone. I remember looking in the mirror at my sickly completion. I remember not recognizing myself in my own **** reflection. I remember constantly obsessing over my next score but what I remember most is getting down on my knees and asking God to save me cuz I don't want to do this no more !!!"
- Delaney Farrell

Do you still look for me in your new girlfriends? Do you still seek my eyes in theirs? Do you still feel my lips when you kiss her and hear my voice when they speak? Did you cut your hair because I loved it so much? Do you still celebrate Tuesday as “*** Night”? Do you still look for me, when you ask them out?

Do you still blame your father for our demise? Do you still think your hands are capable to do as he did? Did you marry her and divorce her because you were afraid of yourself? Do you still talk about our first time? And do you in a negative or a positive light? Are you changing yourself because you think you’ll finally be happy? Or because you won’t look so much like him anymore.... Do you miss me at all?

Do you still feel hate and heartbreak when you hear my name? Do you hear my name when our birthday comes around? Do you take your clothes off because I made you feel *****? Do you still collect lovers and partners like the hundreds of beads you make your jewelry with? Do you still fill your body with healthy choices but unhealthy people?

Do you wish we never happened? Do you miss your bruises because your mother is now dead? Do you hate me for wishing you were free of her when she was still alive? Do you still eat sushi and think of me? Do you still listen to the playlist I made you? Do you still cry that you lost your best friend because of me? Do you wish we had fought our feelings and that you would still be hers? Do you still have the letters that I wrote you? The poems? The drawings? Do you still have that power ranger blanket? Or did you destroy that with the rest of my memories?

Are you happy now?

He tells me that I’m beautiful.
That I’m good at what I do.
He tells me that I’m worth every cent while the clock ticks to two.
The mattress is up against the window.
The door is locked x3.
I sit and watch as the smoke floats and drifts around me.
I use my magic words.
And I do my hair just right.
I’ll make a bunch of money if I can make it through the night.
The drugs make it bearable.
So my body hardly feels.
This is my reality now. This is what is real.
Makeup painted on my face
And Fishnets up my thighs.
I tell him that I need him, right to his buggin eyes.
His pipe and rock are on the floor.
So I watch where I walk.
When he gets it in his system I can hardly even talk.
The paranoia eats his mind
As the clock ticks to 4.
He locks us in the bathroom, so no one can see us anymore.
The last of his drugs are gone
As the hour comes to 5
He tells me that I’m beautiful. That I make him feel alive.
He drops me off at home
And thanks me for what I’ve done.
“Last night was great.” He says with a smile,
“I Can’t wait for the next one!”

I'm sitting here listening
To your voice on the machine
Begging and pleading
this all be a dream
She wrapped her arms
around your heart
Tortured and pulled
Til the beating stopped
Now I sit here asking
Will I follow you soon?
Who's next in line?
Can I meet you on the moon?
I'll meet you on the moon, darling
I'll meet you in the stars
I'll meet you on the moon darling
To pull the needle from your arms
I'm sitting here Nikki
Numbing my own pain
Up the nose, there it goes Nikki
We are one in the same
She wrapped that tie
Around your arms
Tighter and tighter
Leaving only her scars
That minute
That hour
Of pure delight
It stopped your breathing
It stopped your fight
Now I'm sitting here Listening
to your voice on the machine
Knowing full well
It's not a bad dream
I sit here and wonder
Will I join you soon?
Can I meet you Nikki?
Can I meet you on the moon?
I'll meet you on the moon, darling
I'll meet you in the stars
I'll meet you on the moon sweetie
To pull that needle from your arms.

Their names leave your lips and your heart starts to beat,
They fill your lungs with life as you speak,
Your heart is home to many loves that you keep,
But you have too big a heart.

You take them in, their soul you defend,
You truly think their love will never end,
Until you see their true intent,
You have too big a heart.

Her sweet British accent made your mouth water,
Her flowing blond hair, you would have wished for your daughter,
The ones who hurt her you wanted to slaughter,
But you have to big a heart.

But you're kept from her voice, and you're kept from her face,
An ocean keeps you from her warm embrace,
You soon realize her lips you'll never taste,
You have too big a heart.

His warm hugs healed your soul and dried all your tears,
You counted his freckles as you both shared your fears,
He had been there for you through all of the years,
But he stabbed you in the heart.

The ten years you had spent together, All undone and shattered forever,
His heart taken back and to a new bestowed
He abandoned your loving humble abode
I'll protect you forever is the song that he told,
But he stabbed you in the heart.

Her smell was addicting and her lips were so soft,
Her light olive complexion sent your heart aloft,
You traced her skin as her laugh would waft,
But you have too big a heart.

She told you she loved you and made you smile,
She tempted your heart and played it a while,
Then in a split second, told you that you were but vile
And stabbed you in the heart.

Her shy, gentle nature made you want to know more,
She guarded her heart behind a locked door,
But she melted away as you made love on the floor,
But you have too big a heart.

You want nothing more but to hold her tight,
But her body is constantly in a fight,
Sickness ravages her every night,
And you have to big a heart.

You loved him as her, and you love him as him,
You jumped in this pool, though you knew not how to swim,
Before his love, all of life seemed grim,
But you have too big a heart.

Night by night, you give and give,
Your heart dissolves, and you struggle to live,
You love so many, And love so strong,
Yet you hear that this love is wrong.
The guilt, it builds and breaks you down,
In this depression you begin to drown.
Monogamy tears your soul apart,
All because you have too big a heart.

Hey you,
I know your heart is hurting. I know you feel like nobody understands. I know you feel alone in your struggle. I know you're tired of pretending like everything is OK. You tell people you're fine, but on the inside you're screaming out for help. While the world is having their silent night, you're having your silent battle. The thought of tomorrow doesn't bring you joy because you feel your best days were in your yesterdays. Your eyes are heavy, but your soul is peace-less. Dreams only hurt more so sleep has become your enemy. Fear drives your thoughts, not faith. The fear life won't get better. The fear loneliness will never leave your presence. The fear your prayers aren't received. Be thankful for your struggle because it's making you stronger than ever. I know you can't see it right now, but you surviving everything you've been through is going to be HOPE for so many lives. This world needs you. Find the FAITH to keep fighting. It will get better. I love you. Victory is yours.

"Rejoice in your sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The peace you're search for, you already have.
-Trent #RehabTime

Kick me while I'm down.
Beat me til I'm spitting blood.
Let me beg for mercy
Tell me I'm too ****** up to love.
Watch me fall apart.
Hand me the blade to cut myself.
Pour the ***** in my soul.
Tell me I'm too gone to help.
Tie my hair back,
As you push my fingers down my throat.
Watch me cry and hate myself.
Tell me I'm stupid to emote.
Batter me With misery
I'm just a *******.
I'm nothing more than a waste of space,
So treat me like it.

Can you see past the blue of her eyes?
Can you see the pain?
Can you see how her cheeks are swollen and her eyes are empty?
Can you hear the tears choked back in her voice?
Can you see what she does to herself in the night when she's screaming at the bugs under her skin?
Can you remember the horrid things that she's reminded of by the ghosts in the dark?
She's told you once before.
She's shown you that side.
She's bore her soul to you.
You were only distracted by the blue in her eyes.

“Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. I only just heard the sad, sad news of Robin Williams’s death. My wife sent me a message to tell me he had died, and, when I asked her what he died from, she told me something that nobody in the news seems to be talking about.
When people die from cancer, their cause of death can be various horrible things – seizure, stroke, pneumonia – and when someone dies after battling cancer, and people ask “How did they die?”, you never hear anyone say “pulmonary embolism”, the answer is always “cancer”. A Pulmonary Embolism can be the final cause of death with some cancers, but when a friend of mine died from cancer, he died from cancer. That was it. And when I asked my wife what Robin Williams died from, she, very wisely, replied “Depression”.
The word “suicide” gives many people the impression that “it was his own decision,” or “he chose to die, whereas most people with cancer fight to live.” And, because Depression is still such a misunderstood condition, you can hardly blame people for not really understanding. Just a quick search on Twitter will show how many people have little sympathy for those who commit suicide…

But, just as a Pulmonary Embolism is a fatal symptom of cancer, suicide is a fatal symptom of Depression. Depression is an illness, not a choice of lifestyle. You can’t just “cheer up” with depression, just as you can’t choose not to have cancer. When someone commits suicide as a result of Depression, they die from Depression – an illness that kills millions each year. It is hard to know exactly how many people actually die from Depression each year because the figures and statistics only seem to show how many people die from “suicide” each year (and you don’t necessarily have to suffer Depression to commit suicide, it’s usually just implied). But considering that one person commits suicide every 14 minutes in the US alone, we clearly need to do more to battle this illness, and the stigmas that continue to surround it. Perhaps Depression might lose some its “it was his own fault” stigma, if we start focussing on the illness, rather than the symptom. Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. He died from Depression*. It wasn’t his choice to suffer that.”

I'm crumbling again.
I can feel it.
I need contact.
Human contact.
This urge to feel and be felt.
No matter how hard.
How soft.
How painful.
How pleasureful.
This craving.
This emptiness.
It can not be filled.

When I was 4 years old,

My best friend was a family
Of daddy-long-legged spiders.
I named them after 

the characters on ******-Doo.

When I was 8 years old,

My best friend was a tree

Outside of my aunts house. 

I would bring him water everyday 

And we would talk about life.

When I was 12 years old,

My best friend was a girl

That I met at school. 

She was broken like me

And I loved her.

So cold locked up inside
Wanting to scream
Just to be free
To run and fly
And just be me
With no one to judge
And no one to care
Just as they always haven't
Why would they care now?
When I'm too far gone,
When I just want to have fun!
What's wrong with a little fun?
I want to complete myself with him!
Be with him!
Love with him!
But nothing can fill this void...
This temptation...
This pain... Except for more.
So I scream my head off!
And I run til my heart can't take anymore!
And I cut up my body til I'm all drained out!
And scratch at others lives
Just to get my temporary fix.
But now I'm cold
And out of breath
And out of my head
Just wanting to be
Free.