I am mostly of a sunny disposition, or at least I try to be day by day.
then all of a sudden, I’m not sure how, my sunshine fades away.

I’m left feeling cold again with an overwhelming urge to cry.
no longer is my minds sky blue, it’s grey and gloomy, I don’t know why.

see the weather can be unpredictable and I’m just trying to stay warm.
It’s all I can do some days, not to be washed away with the storm.

So I try not to pay much attention to the weather, I try not to give in, I’ll open up my umbrella to try and protect from the rain within.

I  attempted skinny dipping once. I was on a beautiful beach, with a former lover. I had a concoction of colourful cocktails coursing through me, too many that I couldn’t have completed that sentence, at the time, if I had tried!

I felt good, amazing even! I giggled and skipped, I breathed in the warm air, I glided towards the sea, I could smell the air getting saltier by the second, I could taste the ocean.

As I pulled at them, my clothes left me, They fell away with grace and floated off into the night. I am so feminine so free I thought! I almost felt as if when I reached the shore line my legs would leave me, a beautiful tail would form!

I would be a mermaid, I would dive in and it would be magic, I would splash and laugh, the moonlight would dance on the water, making my hair sparkle! I would glance back at the land and at my love, he would be raw with emotion, sad for my leaving, wonderment for the sensual, ****** siren I had become!!

Instead.

On the way to the water, I kicked a small rock, fell to the floor like a sack of bricks and let out a noise I can only describe as a deep and gutteral mechanical whine.

As I lay there, disheveled and naked on the sand I could hear in the distance, the heavy laughter of my lover.

I gained some bruising, I lost a toenail and my dignity.

I havent attempted skinny dipping since.

I planted their seeds some time ago now. I'm still struggling to set them free.

I want to chew them up and spit them out from where they grow inside of me.

I can feel them now, writhing around,
like poison ivy in my veins.

The bitter taste in the back of my throat,
as they creep up towards their escape.


It's too painful to even try to release them,
So for now I guess they'll stay.

My words are hiding within me, growing darker every day.

Twisting around all that I am and all that I can be.


Taking root withing my bones and soul, a dark forest inside of me.

The words danced from my mouth
Desperate to bring on the rain.
They fell to the ground and shattered.
Fragile though they were,
they fueled thunder and created storms.

I can see you there,
hiding behind your wall.
well I’ll climb right over it,
I’m not afraid to fall.
Besides, I can always start climbing again,
what’s a few bruises and scrapes between friends?!
I’ll find you where you are hiding
and I’ll try to help you see,
How much I really care for you
and how much you mean to me.
I understand it’s been easier,
to build your wall instead of getting hurt,
so I won’t come along and smash it down,
instead I’ll sit with you in the dirt.
I’ll help you to install a gate
so sometimes I can come through,
I’ll try to help repair the cracks,
using love and kindness for the glue.
I’ll fill some gaps with flowers,
to bring some colour to your life,
their beauty keeping you hopeful,
when your mind is in trouble and strife.
One Day you’ll be strong enough
to come out from where you hide
and it won’t be so scary
for you to allow me to see inside.
But until that day I’ll keep scaling your wall,
and planting my flowers in the gaps,
hopefully they will help you to see
there’s beauty within the cracks.
For I refuse to leave you hiding alone,
So I’ll keep climbing, stone by stone.

Sshhh it's a secret, I said.
"Of Course I'll never break your trust".
So why did you feel with no good end result,  break it you must?!
Did it feel good?
What did you gain?
I'm struggling to understand, your need to cause pain?
Don't tell me you didn't realise!
You didn't think it through, I specifically said DON'T MENTION THIS, I specifically said that to YOU .
So what was your end game? What result did you want, surely it wasn't just my secret to flaunt?!

You’ve come to my rescue many a time.

But not in the way you might think.

Yes, you do help me in the typical way.

Pulling me up before I sink.

But it’s all the small things you do for me.

The accidental things, that only I see.

That really mean the most to me.

Kind gestures with no intent or agenda.

It’s just who you are, my defender.

You see, the sweet things that you do and say.

They rescue me every day.

You know it will burn,
but you bite it anyway,
because it tastes good.

Sometimes I wonder,
Is it the things that I do?
The things that I say,
am I too much for you?
I start to doubt myself,
I fill up with dread,
its got to be me,
something that I said?
I wrack my mind,
to try and find,
the moment we lost it,
what was left behind?
It started so well,
Both in high spirits,
but one little thing
and it all goes amiss!
I want to fix it,
But I don't know how.
We are both so stubborn,
it's gunna' end in a row!
So we both ignore it,
let's let it stew!!
But I don't want another argument,
Between me and you!
Let's pick up tomorrow
Where we left off,
Let's clean up the table
Let's rip out the cloth.
Let's talk of the things,
We've both said and done,
Let's discuss the bad things,
Let's remember the fun!
Try not to focus,
On all that is bad,
On on all of the anger,
And all of the sad!.
Let's look at the good things
And where we both are,
On all that we've worked through
The healing of scars!
Let's try to remember,
That we both want what's best,
So let's focus on the good times,
Put aside all the rest.
You know that I care for you,
Maybe a little more than I should?
But you know what,
I wouldn't change it,
Even if I knew that I could.
Because I really like you,
And I'm scared to let go,
Of all that you've taught me,
Of what I now know,
So please don't just give up
On what we've become,
I know we're both loaded
And good with a gun!
Of course I mean this metaphorically
And speak of the tongue,
But still your words wound like a gunshot,
And they make me feel numb.
I just hope we can work through this,
I need you too know that I care,
To know that I need you now.
And for you, i will always be there.

Why?!
My words seem to hurt you.
when I mean them the most.
My feelings desert you,
As if I were a ghost!?
But I didn't haunt you,
when you were at your lowest?!
So why do you desert me,
when I need you the most?
Why do you perceive me,
as a poltergeist??
I'm not here to haunt you,
Only to exchange advice!!
We are both here to learn,
And gain from experience.
So why do you place me,
In the category, of delerience??
You don't seem to hear me,
Or maybe you don't want to??
I suppose that denial is easier,
than dealing with what you don't want to??
But that does not make it fair,
Because I think I get you...?!
Maybe I understand.. .,
The things that upset you.
But what if I don't??
Can we still work through this??
Can we work as a team,
to try and distill this?
That's what I want, and that's what I need.
I yearn for someone, who's not afraid to bleed!!
For something that's special,
For something that means,
For something that's more than just someone that needs!!
For someone to want me,
like I want them!
for someone to see a future,
before they see an end!
All I want, Is something that's real!
something that makes me,
and you, really feel!
I think I've found it, inside of you?
But please don't be scared,
if you feel it too.
Just embrace it,
And endulge in it too.
And enjoy it as much,
As I enjoy you!!

You were tiny, when we brought you home.
Just a ball of fluff that we claimed as our own.
You were full of life and happiness
You were no stranger to making a mess!!!
Oh boy we're you naughty, always in trouble!
But that didn't matter, you were part of our bubble.
We watched you grow bigger every day,
Never any doubt, that you were here to stay.
8 years later, it's not really that long!?
It's like you've always been here,
Like the familliar tune of a favourite song.
Two weeks go by, you are not yourself.
Something is wrong, we are trying to help!
It could be this, it could be that, we will figure it out, we will get you back!
You're not eating, you wont get up,
that's not normal, wheres our big pup?
Have a scan, find the problem
Whatever it is we'll find a solution.
One phone call later, from the vet.
Changes everything, we've lost the bet.
It all happened so quickly
This wasn't the plan!!!
Your the ronster monster
Our mundy man.
No "happy bark" greetings as we walk through the door, no tripping over you, as you sleep soundly on the floor.
Feeding time is easier now, almost stress free!
But I'd give up that in a millisecond to have you back here with me!!!!!
I guess it's just down to time now, to make this easier on our hearts.
I just wish we had you here for longer, or could go back to the start!
One thing for sure, you will never be forgotten, we won't let your memory fade away, our naughty ronnii rotten!!!!!

RIP Ronnii, Safeharbour Patrick Swayze. 16/01/2011 to 16/10/2019.

Be safe at rainbow Bridge, until we meet again my giant furry slobber friend.
F. U. Cancer!!!!!!!!

I just lost some of my words.
Although they were few.
I feel like I have lost a lifetime.

All of a sudden, I am there again. With out any warning. Stranded, on a little island, inside myself. I can see and hear people, but I can’t make out what they are saying. Or who they are even.  I’m just stuck, on my island feeling numb.

It can happen frequently, hourly even, yet sometimes weeks will go by when I don’t visit that place. Then, again, out of no where, I’m back. Surrounded by a Black Sea of nothingness.  Sometimes I can save myself, swim away. Dry off and go about my day as if I were never there. Other times I stay wet from the water, i feel sodden and heavy, irritated by the salt.

I’d like to say it gets easier being there but I think I have just become accustomed to it. Accepting of it, almost.

I don’t want to accept it, but it’s less draining that way. Or maybe that’s what I hope. I’m not sure any more.

I visited my island today. Not out of choice you see, I just seemed to drift there, taken by the current. I stayed a short while.

I would like to stay away, from that island, if i could. But it all depends on the tide.

You Left me with this anger, you upped and walked away.
There’s so much still in my head you know, things I need to say. people tell me it’s not worth it, they say “just let it go” but they see things from the outside and there are things that they don’t know.
From the outside it always seems black-and-white. you are either best friends or you’re in a fight.
Well the outsiders weren’t close enough, to read between the lines So how could they understand. The soft words spoken at night time, the way you tickled my hand?! The moments only we shared, and all the gestures grand!
You allowed me to think you were my protector, the one to help me through, but now I see the one you were protecting, the only one was you.
Now I’m not a silly person, we’re are all human this I know, But I’m left wondering if it was ever real, or was it all for show? Maybe I was just a stop gap between where you really wanted to be. I understand that people change, but why so suddenly?
From the beginning you said I was crazy, that it was all in my head.
when in actual fact I was right all along, you just didn’t use a bed.
Do you understand what that did to me and do you even care?  I went against my gut feeling for so long, “it can’t be true”I thought, I must be wrong!
you explained away the little things, all the signs that made me wonder, and all the time I didn’t know, your thumb I was under.
How could you not notice? I wasn’t lazy I was depressed the weeks I spent alone in bed I was hardly ever dressed!
I cried a lot and asked for help, you didn’t seem to care, This I did not understand because for you I was always there.
The physical things I can forgive, but not the betrayal of my mind. I looked at you so lovingly, I knew you to be gentle and kind.
I can’t even take the good with me now, you’ve marred it all in my mind!
And I think that makes it harder, to have to leave it ALL behind.
because you’ve left me feeling broken and I’m finding it hard to let go, let go of all the anger, it’s all I’ve got to show.
I thought we were  forever, I gave you all of my heart, only for you to break it and then dissapear for your fresh start.
At some point I know I’ll be okay, for I am stronger than you think, I will not let the anger takeover, or pull me down until I sink.
So I’ll say the things I want to say! I’ll let the anger out! but instead of saying them to your face, I’ll just write them down.
Expressing my mind on paper, is much better than telling you. I don’t even think you would hear me now, because you’re off fooling someone new.

I Desperately long
to be truly seen,
By someone who really cares.
I don’t want someone who pretends for me
or puts on any graces and airs.
I don’t need someone to knock down my walls,
but for someone to scale them,
without fear of the falls.
I’m starting to think That I am worth it you see.
And hopefully someone else will agree.

You speak so ill of me.
Yet you live in my head!
Why do you hate on me,
Why do you fill me with dread?!
You always argue with me,
Never let me be right,
I don't understand,
your desperate need to fight?!
Please just let me be happy!!
And for once feel okay,
You don't need to darken me,
Every single day!
Just leave me alone now,
To be my happy self,
Stop placing me,
Apon this dusty old shelf!
Just when I think,
I'm alone with myself,
You creep back in,
Offering your 'help'!
I'm done with you now!
Be gone from my mind,
For once in my life,
To myself ill be kind.
I'll kick you out,
When you show your ugly face,
You've no need to be here,
You don't have a place!!
Everytime you show up,
I'll recite this verse,
And I know now,
I'm strong enough,
Not to let you make it worse!!

I feel listless again.
I am left without slumber,
My mind beginning to bend.
Am i trapped in this cycle?
Will it ever end?
I wonder, if I am destined,
To always walk this now beaten path?
As I'm sure it's becoming more treacherous,
As each grey day comes to pass.

I feel listless again.
I am left without slumber,
My mind beginning to bend.
Burnt like umber.
Am i trapped in this cycle?
Will it ever end?
I wonder, if I am destined,
To always walk this now beaten path?
As I'm sure it's becoming more treacherous,
As each grey day comes to pass.

I spent such little time with you in the grand scheme of things. Yet I feel like you've been in my heart forever.
The first time I saw your picture asking for help, I knew we were meant to be a part of each others lives.
Your big brown eyes spoke to me, they said take me home, I will love like no other.
And those big bright eyes were right, you did love like no other.
It took you three days to know you were safe, after that first bath I gave you, I prised you out from behind the ubend of my toilet. You must have felt safe there.
I bathed you carefully and gently talking to you the whole time.
Letting you know it was OK now, you will never feel like you did on the streets of romainia. I will never let you feel that scared or alone again.
On the end of someones misplaced anger.
I wrapped you in a soft warm towel and brought you to my room.
I had already layed out towels on my bed. My little ningnong dog was already fresh from the bath and wriggling around getting dry, all fresh and frisky.
You watched her do this for a moment, until something inside you clicked. I'm sure I felt the air get a little lighter.
I'm sure then you knew you were safe and loved.
I put you on the bed with ning.
I had not seen you happy yet, but my goodness I saw it then.
As soon as I placed your tiny paws upon that bed you ran straight to and almost into ning, and then did laps of the bed, laps of elation, laps of relief, laps of pure joy. It was so funny! Your legs were almost jelly with how excited you were. You hadn't ever been that clean.
From that moment you never looked back to the hell you had known.
You lived every single day with happiness and joy in your heart.
Mornings were your favourite. I've never know a dog so happy to just be awake. Your warm little body laying next to mine, nibbling my nose as I spoke softly to you, welcoming the day in.
You did not change. You were always the happiest most loving little soul I have ever known. And I am so thankful I got to see the world through your eyes. I know it will never be the same again, the days seem duller with out you my dolly.
I miss you so much my whole body aches just knowing your not here on this earth with me.
I need your head against my chest just one last time, letting me know you are there with me.
Thankyou for waiting for me, for sharing your last little breath with me.
I will never forget that.
I will never forget you.
My brave little lady, until we meet again I will keep you in my memories and in my heart.
I promise once I am healed enough I will try to treat each day as you did and be thankful for what I have.
I know I will never love another like I loved you.
I miss you so much my little floppy dolly dog.
Sleep tight, say hello to the others for me, tell them I love them and tell them of our adventures.
I will hold you again one day and it will feel like we were never apart, I promise.

I earn my money, I pay my keep,
All the time feeling like sheep,
We follow the herd, we bleet along,
Tho whole time 'bleeting' to the same old song.
This doesn't feel natural, it must be wrong,
There has to be more,
than this plodding along?!

You were taken from me so quickly.
Ripped away without warning.
I wasn't ready and neither were you.
I'm left feeling empty and angry.
Was there something needed that I did not do?
We had plans you and I, not grand ones you see, but just to sit with one another, I read a book and you snuggle on me.
Long walks come rain or shine.
I'd give anything to have you in these arms of mine.
Just one more day.
I thought I had you until your muzzle turned grey.
I thought I had you until I could barely walk and you barely bark, but now I am left, with nothing, nothing but dark.
I miss your big brown eyes and your soft little nose, the little soft curly hairs at the base of your tail, I especially miss those.
I long so much to hold you again, it hurts so much to need you, my little friend.
Though I will never fear the kiss of death again! For I know it is you who will greet me when I meet my end.

You say that you see me,
But how do I know that’s true?
You say that you hear me,
But I’m not sure you really do.
I’m afraid that you’re not really looking,
Or taking the time to listen,
But I know you like the way I sound,
And you enjoy the way I glisten.
I see you, lost in a world of your own,
Never feeling like you belonged,
Never really feeling at home.
I watch the way your nose crinkles
When you really smile
And the way your brow lowers
When you ponder for a while.
The way your extra quiet
When your really mad.
The way you stare into space
When your feeling sad.
I long for you to appreciate
The little things I do
And to feel the same emotions
As I do when I look at you.
I just want you to know me
The way I really want to know you.
But I’m scared that your not willing
Or maybe your just unsure,
But I’m here and I’m ready
So what are you waiting for?

I yearn for sleep.
If my eyes are closed I cannot cry.
My mind can not continously ask why.
I yearn for sleep.
The kind that envelopes you,
The kind that is deep.
At least within my slumber, my heart may find some peace.
I fear my dreams, good or bad, because I still wake up with out you.
I still wake up sad.
There is no real rest inside my head, even when I'm safe inside my bed.
Yet I still yearn for sleep,
the kind that envelopes you,
The kind that is deep.

Crawling
Reaching,
Forever it seems.
Tormenting my own being.
To be is to survive.
But I want to thrive.
Why.
Me.
My own worst enemy.
I see the light, yet I taint it with black.
Every time I feel alive.

I can see you there,
hiding behind your wall.
well I’ll climb right over it,
I’m not afraid to fall.
Besides, I can always start climbing again,
what’s a few bruises and scrapes between friends?!
I’ll find you where you are hiding
and I’ll try to help you see,
How much I really care for you
and how much you mean to me.
I understand it’s been easier,
to build your wall instead of getting hurt,
so I won’t come along and smash it down,
instead I’ll sit with you in the dirt.
I’ll help you to install a gate
so sometimes I can come through,
I’ll try to help repair the cracks,
using love and kindness for the glue.
I’ll fill some gaps with flowers,
to bring some colour to your life,
their beauty keeping you hopeful,
when your mind is in trouble and strife.
One Day you’ll be strong enough
to come out from where you hide
and it won’t be so scary
for you to allow me to see inside.
But until that day I’ll keep scaling your wall,
and planting my flowers in the gaps,
hopefully they will help you to see
there’s beauty within the cracks.
For I refuse to leave you hiding alone,
So I’ll keep climbing, stone by stone.

You hug me.
You take me in your ams and you hold me so tight.
But with no end goal, other than me and you enjoying that moment and that embrace.  Knowing that it's right.
You kiss me.
On my lips, on my face, on my body.
But with no end goal other than me knowing you wanted to kiss me.
You listen to me, because you are interested in what I have to say. In my thoughts, in my mood, in my day.
You here my little stories, over and over again. Even though you could tell them yourself. You still listen, like it's the first time I've told you them.
You know I'm moody. And you work through it, you accept it as part of me and you love me anyway.
And that's why I know.
I know it's you. And I know it everyday.
All the times I needed you, I wish you could have been there. I did not know you then, I did not know that kind of "care" .
You came at just the right time, helped me through all my pain.
You didn't leave after you helped me, even though there was nothing for you to gain.
We have grown together you and I, we are building our life and heading for the sky!
You showed me true love, what it means to really care, you filled my heart and made it whole again, enough even, that I can share!
So I write these words for others to read, and I hope they understand, the universe has a story for you, even if it's not what you planned.