I'm getting better, but it's in little steps. Steps that travel the petty distances between us.
And as long as my little steps keep bringing me closer to you, my love,
I know I will be okay.

You fit so perfectly in my arms. Holding the world together was never so enjoyable. And your coffee colored eyes look so beautiful when you stare back at me. I try to count your freckles, but I get too easily distracted by the millions of other things that make you so ******* stunning. The collision of your kiss leaves me so breathlessly happy, and I look dumb as **** after. I think of you during storms. I think of you all the time. And I can't think of a better way to daydream without you waltzing into my mind. You are my blissful summer nights. You are my adorable best friend. You are my coffee shop daydreams. You are my everything.

I’m not going so say it again
But you know what this is about.
I don’t know why I keep feeling this way.
I wish I could stop

I'm not a fan of people who fail to see past the smoke they exhale.
I don't enjoy the constant "I don't care" mindset, and I don't think it helps.
I don't care if you ruin yourself. I don't care about your health
but the second you hurt the ones I love I swear to god I won't hold back.
Do you know there is more to life? Do you know that you can have both?
You can be here for a good time AND a long time. It's not impossible.
You can’t just brush things off like it’s nothing at all.
And there is more to life than ***, drugs, and alcohol.
You talk of how perfect it is and write of how awful it is
I hope you get better.
I hope you change again.
I hope you start to see that there is always more to life.

So tell me all your fears, I want to memorize your scars. Car rides and goodbyes always seem to break me most. So ask me if I'm okay, and I swear that I wont lie, but the crossed fingers in my smile will argue otherwise. I forget when this started, I forget when I stopped loving, but I remember every bitter lie I told and it only gave me nothing. I keep my letters by my bed so I can fall asleep at night, but I still feel the insomnia, I'm still haunted by fear. I wanted to be a better friend. I wanted to be a better brother. I wanted to at least be something but I keep ******* up.

I keep ******* up.

You are so ******* perfect.

The worst part of when I upset you is you telling me that I never hurt you.

I think you like me a lot less than I like you. I'm trying to balance my feelings, but I get really happy around you. I think it annoys you. I think you're mad at me. I'm trying so hard to get you to like me. Maybe that is why you get annoyed. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. I just want you to be happy.

It could just be the sad songs.

I build castles on flesh and carve moats into my skin,
I wage war with myself and I know I'll never win.
I whisper secrets into rivers and let water wash them away,
I'm too naive to leave, but I'm getting scared to stay.
I think of death too much and I miss you so often,
It's nights like these where my bed feels like a coffin.
I'm coping with a pain, and I can't tell you when it started,
"I'm sorry" is etched into my skin, the words of the broken hearted.

I'll follow you anywhere, even if I'm scared
I'll follow you anywhere, though I know you never cared

Kingdoms keep secrets, and hearts grow heavy,
I was broken long ago, I want to cry but I'm not ready.
I think I'm going crazy now, my home feels more like a hell
I'm trying to get back up, but I'm so far from where I fell.
So I repress, try to protest, all of the miles I have regressed,
And I digress, I confess, but I still feel so ******* upset.
If I keep your letters by my bed will it help me sleep at night?
If I keep you words in my head will it help me feel alright?

I'll follow you anywhere, even if I'm ******* scared
I'll follow you anywhere, because I know you'll always care

Dear, Nobody.

That’s a lie. Just because I can’t narrow this down to one person doesn’t mean it’s to nobody. “Nobody” isn’t an emptiness, it’s a pseudonym.


                                                    ­      I

I've been acting cold hearted to make myself seem stronger, but I’m cracking under the pressure of goodbyes and silence. I get scared that you will hate me for being so awkwardly introverted, because you only thrive if you’re having fun. I don’t think I’m enough, but I know that I can be, I don’t think that I’m there yet, but darling, just trust me. I’m working so hard to overcome these fears, I’m treading these waters and I'm trying not to go under. I keep on telling myself that I can be enough for you and the only hard part to it is simply believing. I’m sorry if I ever hold you back. I want to be a companion, not a burden, I want to fight the dark together, and I know you're kind enough to help me. I don't think you know just how much that keeps me going. I will catch up. I will be fine. I will come through, and I will not drown. I just need you to hold on to me for a little bit longer, because there is no way in hell I can do this alone. "At this moment, you mean everything." You mean too much to me to drown alone.

                                                         ­  II
                                                          
You are growing distant as you are getting older and it hurts me like hell. I can't help but feel proud that you've made it this far. I miss you a **** ton, but I'm glad you are growing up. I will always be there for you, even when you're ****** at me. When you get in trouble for being a *******, or when your heart is broken into a million pieces, you can always come back to me, no matter how distant you are. You don't desert family, and I sure as hell won't desert you. After all, you are my blood, and if your lost or all alone "I'll go with you". You never have to worry about facing **** alone.

                                                         ­ III

I've accepted the fact that you will never sing for me. I don't know if it's out of fear, or if you just want to **** me off, but I guess I understand. It seems like a small thing to be upset about, but it bugs me because I love you so ******* much. You can always tell when something is wrong, despite if I tell you "I'm fine." You're distant but I know you will come back. I'm sorry for being a **** during the first half of this year. You deserve better, and I can give it to you. I'm sorry for hurting us, but I know we will be fine. I will always be "stitching up the seams" of every pain I've ever caused you. I hope you will let me.

                                                    -  -  - ­ -  -  -  

So, Nobody, I promise we will be okay. I promise I will be okay. At this moment, you mean everything, and I will always go with you, to stitch up the seams of the pains that I have caused. Distance will never break us, and you will never be alone. I won't drown if you are there. I won't leave if you are hurt, and I won't cause you any pain.
I love you.

Sincerely,
                    Your no longer desperate friend

I spent this morning telling myself that I meant something to someone.
Saying to myself that I could handle today.
Saying to myself that I could handle my thoughts today.
I don't like to lie, but It helps me stomach breakfast.
These self therapy sessions over coffee aren't helping me at all.
Sipping on the bitter truth leaves an aftertaste of self doubt.

But I still tell myself that everything is okay.
Because one day, maybe everything will be.

Please keep in mind that I'm a mix of ****** and depressed, but despite the mixed emotions, I promise I'll try my best to repress the negativity brewing coldly in my mind, letters to lovers, letters to friends, all just memories left behind, I hide behind the backs of friends right before the stabbings start, growing stronger and more painful, warping tightly around the heart, until it reaches a point of anguish where the skin starts to burn, and it seems like your love has left to the point of no return.

And tomorrow we all forget.
And tomorrow we all get along.
And tomorrow we all hold hands.
And sing our stupid ******* song.

Watch as the stream of melancholy spills from my bruised and blackened heart and flows through the veins of the ones I call friends. The ones who I need to call me friend.
And look closely at the seams that run along my chest from the cuts I made when I gave you my love. The scars, the reminders of my naive actions that keep me awake at night,
And it's okay to feel fear when you look into the portrait of macabre that I paint of myself. Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be whole? If I write poems crying for help will I ever get a ******* answer?
So now I stare at unfinished letters. Thoughts of recovery left behind. And the echos of a heartbreak never sounded so ******* pathetic. I can't seem to cope with hatred, I can't seem to cope with grief, I can't seem to find comfort in the "safety" of my memories.

I **** at dancing. I look dumb as ****.
Big crowds of people make me really nervous. And the music always *****.

But I could never turn a dance down with you. You’re way too cute.

The cavity left in my chest when I stopped believing in love has become haunted by the feeling of being alone. I've been dressing like a funeral and I've been thinking of you often and the bed that I've been sleeping in is feeling smaller every night. I've been filing voids with a fascination in the pain of my friends, but it just adds on to mine, it just keeps me afraid. I want to test the boundaries of humanity, I want to memorize your scars, I want to know that I'm not the only one who owns a haunted frame, who has a pressure on their skull and thinks of death often. I think I'm going crazy, but I don't hear any voices, I just love seeing others hurt and knowing I'm not alone. I just love seeing scars and knowing they're okay to wear. Or at least they seem okay. Or at least they seem expected. I want to know all of your fears, what you think of at night, I want to keep you safe from yourself, hide you closely in my arms, I think that if you clear out all of the smoke and you look with sore eyes, everyone's fears are the same. Because nobody wants to die. At least not inherently, at least not at first, because we both know there was a time, a moment where everything stopped being all right, and you kept distance from mirrors, you stopped flashing a smile, and you started thinking, maybe, "I'm not strong enough to fight". So you can divide the world in two. You can narrow fear down, because there are people afraid of death, and there are people afraid to live. And I'm fascinated by the moment, or maybe the collapse over time, when the human mind switches from smiling to "I'm fine".  I wonder often if I'm the only one who finds beauty in sadness, and if I am, I'm sorry for calling you pretty when you cry.

And if I am, I'm sorry for wasting your life living time.

One of the most unbearable pains is needing to cry but never being able to.

Sometimes,
i think i need a therapist
i think i need to stop taking Adderall
i think i don't deserve my friends
i think i'll never make it
i think i need to relax
i think everyone around me just wants me to smile
i think i just want people to want me to cry
i think my parents don't want anything i want
i dunno
it's wack
that's life i guess

There are ghosts in the walls of this place so you should keep your distance.
There are pains that never leave the heart and I fear that you may catch some.
There is beauty deep within my bones, and I fear that nobody will ever see it.
There is a part of me that wants to never get up after falling over my failures.

Does it ever bother you that pictures can be lies,
how a smile can be faked and nobody will ever realize.
The photos of you that I hang on my walls are starting to feel distant,
I hear a pain in your voice, as if you could break in an instant.

And it's a whole lot easier to burn a picture than it is to burn a memory,
And I was kinda hoping that we would never reach this treachery,
And you're falling under quickly and I can't do a ******* thing,
And I'm writing songs to cope but I don't have the guts to sing.

I think you're better off away from me.
I think you're better off alone.

I want to feel the pain I see in your eyes.
I want to know what bullets feel like.
I want to memorize every little thing that breaks you.
I want to see the monsters in your head.
I want to rip your pain out from your chest.
I want to hide you in my arms.
I want to strangle your demons and make you whole.
I want to be your reason for smiling.

These rooms with high ceilings are beginning to **** me off.
And the echos that amplify as I get weaker sound a little too close to the voice inside my head.
Finding a reason to smile was so much easier than choking out my fears. That's probably why I stopped my strangling.
And the flowers you planted in the palms of my hand look so ******* pretty.
They're the only reason I haven't balled my fists in rage yet.

But it's getting harder.
And I'm getting worse
And I can only say 'I'm sorry' so many times.

I was fine yesterday.
I'll be fine tomorrow.
It's only today that gets me

It just pains me to think that tomorrow will just be another "today"

Honest to God I tried to keep my demons on a leash.
I tried to hold the rope tight and keep it from wrapping around my neck.
But, somewhere between late night dinners and goodbyes to friends,
it slipped.
Choking me slowly.
Tightening bit by bit, day by day.
I can feel it now.
Making my head throb in a numbing and rhythmic way.
Making an exhale seem like a rarity in this dull trance of pain.
I wonder when my last breath will be.
I wonder when-

I wanted to be a ******* inspiration.
I guess I’m just not good enough.
My hands shake when I write now.
It wasn’t always like this.

I want to tell Jaxson I love him.
I wish I could write like all my friends.
My bones ache when I’m near them now.
It wasn’t always like this.

I want to hold Bella close to me.
I wish I could say those three words.
Fear gets to me so easily now.
It wasn’t always like this.

Things haven’t been the same.
I can’t tell you when it changed.
But I miss when everyone loved me.
Now I’m at the bottom of everyone’s list.

I have a book full of letters that I know you'll never read
I have a symphony of songs that I know you'll never hear
I have a sea full of tears that I know I'll never shed
I have a heart full of love that I know I'll never share

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's you?
Maybe it's us,
In a coffee shop,
Telling stories and trading smiles.
Never thinking too far ahead,
because the now is so **** perfect.
And never caring about mistakes,
because I'm too focused on your freckles.

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's in your writings?
You make me sound,
So ******* loved,
You have no clue how much that means.
You write of the me that you know best,
the boy who hurts but loves to smile,
I feel so real from your point of view,
and I love that I'm always on your mind.

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's when your in my arms?
Holding the stars,
and the flowers,
and pressing them close against my heart.
Keeping my world safe from harm,
while finding comfort in your touch,
Keeping my fears locked away,
because you scare away the dark.

You asked where my happy place was,
and I couldn't narrow it down to one,
So for now I find joy in three places,

Your smile,
Your art,
Your touch.

I know what you are thinking.

"Oh, look at this, another cry for help disguised as a poem"

I wish I could say you were wrong.
But I wouldn't continue to write if my cry was answered.

This is for the people who leave me on the floor and judge my judgment as if theirs is any better.
This is for the people who can't see things from my eyes but see with their own that I am in pain.
This is for the people who ask the three dreaded words and believe the lie that I tell them
This is for the people who tell me I won't make it as an artist or a revolutionary but instead become the nothing that I have always feared.

But mostly, this is for me.

I judge these people just as hard as they judge me
I see these people through my eyes but fail to look through theirs
I beg these people to ask and I get mad when they don't have faith in my answer
I push these people away and then blame them for not helping.

I know what you are thinking,
but I don't want to say it.
This poem is brutally truthful enough,
I don't want any more pain.

These heavenly florescent lights split my head open and send waves of hatred through my aching bones.
I keep telling myself that I only have two years left of this ****, but it only gets worse from there.
I wish I could compare myself to a ghost, but some people still choose to have faith in a poltergeist.
It's getting harder to wake up every morning knowing that I have to go back to war

And I know that you will be there,
And I will tell you "I'm okay"
And I know you wont believe me
And I will be fine as long as you stay

So whats another ****** day on this journey to "finding yourself" in crowded hallways and fake smiles
I'll raise my glass to friendship at a table in the morning, smile as I lie, and drink the poison that it holds
I hate the people I love most, is something wrong with me or do I surround myself with two faced companions
I'll sing songs to cope with my own failures and I'll blame it on others, and I don't want to be alone, but I'll isolate myself anyways

And I know that you will be there,
And I will tell you "I'm okay"
And I know you wont believe me
And I will be fine as long as you stay

You're the line between my Sanity and loneliness .

I've been running, I've been hiding, I've been praying to stay alive,
I've been losing sleep and frost covered ground to the Ghosts of January

And they come knocking, they come crawling, they come hunting for my blood, They make the summer nights feel cold and drive fear straight through my bones.

I've been singing, I've been wishing, for you to pull my pain out with your teeth, but my frost-bitten fear goes deep, and the light of smile wont cause a thaw.

So I sit behind locked doors and scream a question with hopes of a response, pleading to a God I don't have faith in, and a mother who's lost her son.

"Is heaven still an option if I drown in my own blood,
if the crimson pouring from my wrists was a result of what I've done.
Is heaven still an option if I take away my sorrow,
will the ghosts of January haunt me if I take away tomorrow?"

I'm listening to your record on repeat and thinking of times we had together. And I can't help but feel sad. Longing for your touch.  For your comforting brown eyes to be looking back into mine. I miss your hugs. I miss your soft skin. Love certainly accents the loneliness.

Writing highly of you is almost becoming competitive.
Its must feel good reading poem after poem about how perfect you are.
I hope that mine live up to the standards that they have all set.
They all talk of how you radiate joy.
Of how your little actions mean the world.
They aren't wrong.
A smile from you leaves me longing for the sight of you all day.
A giggle, and my heart skips a beat, fluttering to the tune of your joy.
The melodic words that spill from your pen seem to be tattooed all over my body, running along my sides and up and down my arms until the strands of black ink meet on the spot above my heart.
The breathtaking collision of your kiss sends my fears and worries and little insecurities away to a far off place, never to be seen when your smile is in my thoughts .
it’s safe.
it’s bliss
it’s everything.

Thank you

I taste your name on my lips when I talk of happiness.
Its not just you though. Mom says that joy comes from within.
I realized that it wasn't so much about finding joy as it is killing sadness.