My will has devoured me again appearing as a painful white paragraph on the outskirts of my thoughts.
Blood gorges my heart and blurs my vision for only a moment.
Deep within my skull is a spotlight of my truest delusions.
A noticeable passing of fear becomes a priority to last amongst my filthy habits. Maybe then, i would shed myself to the past,
as my friends in my desert home do.
what if I told you
that you didn’t have to fool me
and you don’t have to convince the world
that you have it all together
and that your world is so bright behind those rose-colored shades.
I can see past the filters and through your deceit,
your world isn’t as lovely as it seems.
but still for the audience you display a false sense of happiness
a staged idea of having it all together
so busy convincing others —
perhaps you’ll never know when you’ll be content.
it’s exhausting, isn’t it?
trying to maintain appearances?
the picture you painted for me is not the one you paint for your audience.
Lover of mine,
You were like a spider
I was caught in your web.
Not tight enough to be devoured
You hurt me
As I birthed our sun
I found my heart burning
Tear ducts filling with every massage
No longer pouring
But once they were waterfalls
I remember rainy days
& reasonate them with
As we laid in the bed we made
& made love
& made Malcolm
I remember the rainy days
As it rains today
& wish I could have you this lifetime
I dreamt of your demise
At my hand
I dreamt of your infidelity
Priorly I asked The Most High
Show me something.
And she did.
She told me I don't love you,
You love me.
I woke up bewildered
After cutting the slutty gyal to cheese
I don't expect many to understand,
For I still ponder on the messages relayed to me
By the great wise ancestors
I had let you go
I had to let you go
You'd have killed my spirit had I not cut our ties
All my friends & all my family
Had to keep reminding me why
You put spells on me with your rod
You fed me bloodied spaghetti & stories
Figured I'd forget...
But I didn't
& I know your knowledgeable about
Trying to play voodoo pimp
mutter it softly, as the fireplace moans.
bring your bones to the pyre,
bring your dragons,
bring your friends.
come to this pyre and we shall burn
the past into the present.
do you hear the thin noise of action?
the things that you will do,
the things that you have done,
all rushing into that heart of yours,
that heart of ours,
that fiercely fragile thing?
yes. you do.
and you shall break the mountains with every whisper.
let your words proliferate across this crumbling world (spinning itself to dust),
a legion of ants on this blue sphere.
do, and your flesh will unravel into dawn.
do, and the vices writhing in all our skulls will have no choice but to yield.
do, and we shall leave all these broken lamps behind,
let them drift away on this slate-blue sea,
and we shall burn the past
into the future.
Naked I am when I write these words
I cast them on a screen
Hoping they find my readers ears
Cast out all of their fears
As they drown from all of their tears
This is just me and my words
I fear nothing but your ignorance
I pray for grace and forgiveness
My life once clean
Now a mess from unconfessed sins
I confess my insecurity
To the one who hopes the best for me
If you are to judge me
at least look into my words
And tell me you have never felt like me before
Your heart on the floor
Walked on by others who are more insecure
If you feel my pain
These words are now your words too
I feel it. Every step. Every breath. It's there. I feel it. In the air. In the trees. In the sunshine. In the rain. It's everywhere. It's in my bones. It's in the world. I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do now. My heart feels heavy like the weight of my own personal planet. Loss and grief, they're such big things but they come to you in waves and believe me, when they try to take you back to shore, it hurts like hell and you feel it everywhere. I tried to avoid this, tried to lodge it out of my mind but it simply isn't possible. I think I'm spiraling out of control but the only person who can help me is--myself.
Roses on a casket. Touching your hand for the last time. Tears, lots of them. Legs are shaking. Awkward hugs and handshakes. This isn't actually happening, is it? My world doesn't feel right without you and somehow I'm still expecting to come home to your smiling face. People ask me how I'm doing-- "Oh, I'm fine." I don't have the courage to be honest and tell them I'm actually a string from falling apart. If I don't want to deal with the weight of my own emotions, why would anyone else? Following the how I'm doing, I get the "What can I do for you?" "Oh I don't know...make my heart feel like less of a planet and make like a body part." I don't say that, of course. I thank them for their compassion and say I don't need a thing.
I put one foot in front of the other. I must find the strength to move forward. It's been two weeks now. After being consumed whole by the weight of my own emotions, I have reached the transition from "too much" to "almost nothing at all." At the start of this, I didn't know what to do...and I still don't know what to do. I wish there was some sort of instructional booklet for the grieving process. Emotions, conversations, embraces-- they all start to blend together even though they're all so different. I feel distant but not lost. I know where I am. I am still moving but somehow I feel like I'm stationary. How do I move closer? How do I not lose myself completely? Grieving, it takes different shapes. It's like a ghost that is always lingering but only makes its presence known in the worst of your moments.
S he will forget the
U nwelcomed pain and
I nevitably welcome the
I t offers
E verything that hurts
A nd remember only the
D reams she had before she
E ternally and
G ratefully in the comforts of her
R emains on
T his day doesn't end without a good bye.
fight the need to pull the thorn, kill yourself to be reborn,
live your life in fear of death, clinging to your final breath
harm done even when you win, pride is such a deadly sin
count me out or count me in, til the day the world wont spin
fine me for my will to be, tax the squirrel the use the tree
sell my insides, scamming me, nothing in this world is free
shaping, taping back together, taking, raking all your splendor
faking, making us pretenders, facing, gaping black forever
bring me down and ream me out, fill me up with hate and doubt
tender fetal origins, generations' collagen
lets go out and hit the town, shoot one up and knock one down
binding, winding, finding sound, listening to my heart pound
bursting vessels 'round the socket, ball it up into my pocket
flyin higher than a rocket, once you've tried it, try and knock it
asking nice to get inside; soiled, rotten, blushing bride
with her hands between her thighs, only wishing for surprise
see our circle dissipate, seems i've found you just too late
all im left with is my hate, and the need to procreate
lose your temper, mind and soul, listen to the blackness roll
deaths compile and raise the toll, what secrets does the future hold?
wretched roaches writhe and run, while rancid tyrants toll the sun
leeches, peaches, pears and plums, kill me when my birthday comes