I look back on the year behind me
filled with a continuous loop of mountains and valleys
the photos and scraps representing vivid memories
convention badges and hospital bracelets
bottles of nail polish and vials of blood
bonding over a restaurant meal with friends
and choking down a frozen dinner in a bout of fatigue
the moments of joy and devastation
sometimes i’m told i’m lucky
other times i’m told i’m strong
i’ve kept on moving either way
each minute is transformative
chipping away at the rock to create a new sculpture
a year is a lesson
an adventure
a journey

I hear all the time
People saying to me
“You’re so brave”
Am I?
I don’t feel like I am
People say I’m brave
For facing THEIR fears
Speaking in public
Holding snakes
Being constantly poked with needles
These things aren’t frightening to me
So I don’t feel brave
I hold a lot of fears in my heart
Some more trivial than others
Failure
Heights
Rejection
Bees
My insecurities play into my fears
Holding me back
Keeping me from fully experiencing life
I don’t climb too high
I don’t initiate that conversation
Because I’m afraid
So I don’t feel brave
Somewhere out there
Possibly in an alternate universe
Someone thrives on my fears
Loves to do the things that scare me most
But fears the activities I find commonplace
Are they brave?
Am I brave?

another unfamiliar holiday
broken pieces repeatedly jammed together
trying to become whole again
the silence is deafening
between each cutting remark
tears are shed
and I don’t feel like I belong
these people are close by proximity
but not close by heart
I wish I could escape
though the december air is hot in florida
the people around me are what make it feel so cold

Walking into the room where you once resided
There’s an eeriness of seeing your pictures
Your knick knacks
Your clothing
But not you
Our laughter echoes as we try on your fun jewelry
You shine through our smiles as we reminisce
We sift through your belongings
Combing through the years of memories
Feeling your presence in this empty room
Walking through the hallways of this place you knew and loved
You were a celebrity here
Every nurse and patient would smile and say hello
Now we share a solemn smile as we pass by
We see your closest friends together at lunch
Though there seems to be an empty chair
We know you’re there
Always sharing in the good company of others
So many felt your love
So many felt your joy
Now moving through this place
There’s an emptiness
But we know you’re there

Am I enough?
Well
It sure doesn’t seem like it
I grew up as the golden child
The gifted one
The multi-talented prodigy
Acting
Reading
Singing
Excellence across the board
I pushed and pressured myself to be the best
It was easy to be on top
I was enough
Insecurities started getting the best of me
A “B” was menacing
A “C” killed me
I was no longer the brightest
No longer the best
Comparison brought me down hard
My higher-than-average SAT score upset me
Why?
Someone else was better
I wasn’t the best
My anxiety got the best of me
I imagined my family’s disappointment
In my lack of straight A’s
In my lack of gifted-ness
“Try harder”
“Be better”
No one was telling me that
Except myself
Now
I feel more average than ever
The mediocrity suffocates me
No real extracurriculars
Only three classes
The self-loathing sets in
I don’t feel proud
The praise for straight A’s
In three
****
Classes
It feels like mockery to me
Though deep down
I know I have something to be proud of
I could have dropped out
When my body failed me
But I didn’t
I could have given up on life entirely
But I didn’t
Maybe I’m not the classic Gifted Child anymore
Maybe I don’t sweep the awards at the school ceremony
But that’s alright
I am enough
Even if I DID drop out
Even if I DID give up
I would still be enough
Because I was put here for a purpose
My family and friends won’t leave my side
Even if I failed every test this year
I am enough

Take out the map
Turn the key
Let’s explore
I want to know
I want to feel
Every inch
Of your pretty mind
Thoughts are swirling
Mind is racing
Let me in
Let’s explore

Father’s Day is here
A holiday I tend to dread
Scrolling through social media
Seeing so many great fathers
Feeling a bit like an outcast
Father
A stranger to me
Gave me half my DNA
And nothing else
Stepfather
Charmer
Narcissist
Mentally a child
It would feel wrong
To post the sappy picture
Write the sappy caption
Pretend there’s a deep relationship there
Father’s Day
Always unconventional for me
I celebrate my mom
Playing both parental roles
I celebrate my grandpa
Always showing me parent-like love
I celebrate my Heavenly Father
Who loves me more than anyone else
Sure
Father’s Day is isolating
But at least I have someone to love
Someone to celebrate

My eyes first saw you
And my heart wanted more
Fierce blue eyes
Striking tattoos
Adorned in funky jewelry
I was drawn to your flame
When I heard your laugh
Saw your smile
Felt your confidence
There was a spark
Through the small talk and funny stories
I sat and listened and stared and admired
Our minds are alike
Our passions align
You radiate warmth and peace
This one little moment will soon be forgotten
Yet I’ll cherish the time
I can sit by the fire

Life in the concrete jungle
So busy
So cluttered
Streets and cars and flashing lights
The chaos makes my head throb
Walking down the bustling street
Something in me begs for a slow stroll
I push the urge back down
It’s not appropriate here
As the workers pace by me
Quickly approaching their destinations
I think about a future like that
And feel disgusted
Though it’s not right
Though it’s not acceptable
I need something different
One step in a new direction
Strolling where the path is not paved
I feel a sense of peace
Though others say no
I say yes
And continue
In the distance
I see a pop of color
Before my brain can even process
My feet move towards it
A flower
The most gorgeous being I had ever seen
Delicate petals gracefully moving in the breeze
Its sweet smell filled my senses with delight
Something about this flower drew me in
Nothing else mattered but this flower
Not the angry businessmen
Not the opinions of others
Just this flower
For the first time in forever
I felt true peace
Once my eyes finally tore away from the exquisite flower
I saw in the distance
Lots of flowers like this one
In a lush green field
I raced towards this field
I tumbled into the soft grass
In the company of the flowers
My smile grew on my face
A laugh escaped my lips
I didn’t need to go back to the city
I didn’t need to pace through the streets
Looking for some office job
I was where I belonged
I could stay in the flower field forever
How amazing!
Though some would call me silly
Though some would say I would find my place in the city eventually
I wouldn’t listen
I couldn’t care
I loved the flowers
And the flowers loved me
I was home at last

An old friend I used to have
We were sisters, bonded together
Sharing company every chance we had
The sweet and funny demeanor she kept
Made me blind to her dark side
She pulled me under her spell
I was amazed by the way she carried herself
I wanted to be her
As days went on, her dark side started to show
A rude comment followed by laughter
A stab wound covered by a bandage
I began to see
The true colors
No one else could see them but me
And I became the one with the dark side
Now and then
I want to forgive
I want to mend the friendship
I remember the good times we shared
Some things
Just can’t be mended
Some people
Just can’t be changed

I feel like I’m on one side
Of a glass wall
The rest of my world
Is on the other
We can communicate
If we try really
Really
Hard
It is exhausting
“Why don’t you just break the glass?”
Easier said than done
When the other side
Has all of the tools
“We’ll break the glass for you!”
The rocks you will use
To break the glass
Will break me too
You don’t understand
What it’s like
To be on the other side
Of the glass

Still stuck behind the glass wall
There’s no use in getting out
No use in communicating
The people on the other side have given up, too
I slump down to the floor in a state of defeat
Resting my head on my knees
Suddenly
I feel a knocking on the glass
Slowly
I turned my head
A smile grew on my face
Someone like me!
Someone that understands!
I could tell in his eyes
He was behind a glass wall, too
“Do you feel my heart saying hi?”
A bond formed
From nothing else
But our life behind those glass walls
I reached through the glass
And took his hand
I’m no longer alone

Sitting down with them
The glass wall is still there
My mind is worried, yet hopeful
Unsure of what’s to come
Suddenly
They punch through the glass
The shards fly in slow motion
Striking into my heart
Like the words they just uttered
They broke the glass
Because someone broke the trust
My wounded heart sinks into my stomach
I have no idea what’s to come
Now that the glass is broken
I feel vulnerable
Naked on a stage in front of hundreds
I don’t feel well
While they say it’s alright
I’m still uneasy
The words of comfort are bandaids on my wounds
There’s no putting the glass back together
While this wall shouldn’t exist in a perfect world
It made me feel safe
But now
I don’t know what to think
Or how to feel
Now that the glass is broken

I try to chip away
At this massive glass wall in front of me
Trying not to let the pain and loneliness overtake me
Suddenly I realize
I can turn around
I turn around to see so many others with me
Those trapped behind walls of their own
And those that have broken out
They wave and smile and ******* kisses
They know what it’s like
To have the world shut out in a way they don’t understand
We’re in our own world here
Our breaths are shared and our stories are passed
Through the most unlikely connections
We have our own family behind this glass
Something people may scoff at
But they just don’t get it
The relief of finding someone else
The true representation of joy from hardship
Finding a community
In this shared space
Behind the glass

“I’m bad at saying goodbye”
I am too
In a way
I’m bad at knowing how to leave a new friend
Wave or hug?
I don’t know what to do when you say goodbye and you continue to walk in the same direction
Simple things
Then it gets deeper
What do you do
When you make new friends
Only to have them leave again?
How do you say goodbye?
I dread the thought
Of this summer being over
Of goodbyes being said
Of these memories ending
What do you do
When your best friend grows up before you
Leaves for college and does great things
How do you say goodbye?
A hug doesn’t seem to be enough
Words don’t suffice
When these people you hold close
Are now only close in your heart
I don’t need to dwell on it now
I have two months for fun
Before goodbyes
Yeah
I’m bad at saying goodbye too

I mourn for the past
I mourn for the me I once knew
Someone carefree
Someone healthy
Going and going without thinking twice
Jumping and leaping without a care
What I would give to dance again
To walk on the beach without being in pain
To climb to new heights without fear of a fall
I miss my old spirit
I miss being a normal teen
I miss achieving the highest and being the best
College
Relationships
Careers
It’s all different now
I had a plan
I miss my plan
I want a plan
But I can only play life by ear
If only
I could jump back into my old body
Crawl back into my old brain
Feel young again
Feel the weight lifted off of my shoulders
Rip the labels off of me and toss them aside
I miss Sophie, the honor roll student
I miss Sophie, the actress
I miss Sophie, the future teacher
I can no longer escape the boundaries
Of Sophie, the sick kid

the vast spectrum that is the sky above
in the light of day
your warmth radiates like a thousand suns
in the dark of night
your eyes twinkle like a thousand stars
let me stretch my arms open wide
and take in every ounce of you
until my heart fills to the brim
pull me close
whisper my name
my heart will shout in response
the kind of love that fills you up
and makes you dance
underneath the sky
a painted sunset
white cotton clouds
beauty beyond compare
I’m mesmerized by the moon
smitten by the stars
you are the sky
and every perfect thing in it

wake up
swallow pills
try to stomach something
stare at myself in the mirror
until i don’t recognize that face
getting those messages daily
people envying my life
wishing they could be me
if only they knew
the exhaustion i feel
hiding behind a mask
to keep myself safe and comfortable
many are at arm’s reach
but very few are pulled in closer
fine
i’m fine
really
i promise
no negative emotions here
no real sadness or anger
just an eerie feeling of numbness
pushing my emotions farther and farther away
without anything to replace them
don’t understand?
just step into my world
constant poking and prodding from people clad in scrubs and lab coats
faint whispers of people picking apart how i dress and act and love
the future is dizzying
with my obstacle course of an existence
life is a game
of comparison and competition
just let me sit on the sidelines for awhile
please
i need to rest
but for now
slap on a smile
meme myself into a good spot
throw in my earbuds and forget
take some more pills
flop into bed
but no matter how much i sleep
i’ll still be tired

family gathered around the table
every year for something special
hearty laughter fills the air
and I feel at peace
telling stories
cracking jokes
sharing memories
i’m reminded of my blessings
though the family is small
the bond is stronger
as we grow close and feel our love
though the december air is hot in florida
the people around me are what make winter warm

I’m done
I don’t want to talk
Your face makes me uneasy
Your name makes me queasy
You come out of nowhere
Saying you miss me
It stings
I feel guilty for what I do
And what I don’t do
It hurts
I apologize
Though there’s no need
You say you understand
But you don’t
You really
Really
Do
Not
Understand
No one really does
But you
Especially
Do not understand
So stop pretending
If you think we could talk this out
It’s crystal clear
You don’t understand
The emotions you spill fall on me like bricks
Weighing me down with every syllable
Making me wish I was not myself
Making me wish I was a past me
A me that wasn’t tired
A me that wasn’t sick
A me that wasn’t hurting
I mourn my past me
And you do too
This can’t work
I can’t deal
Left on read
I’m sorry