2014
We are only fourteen.
I tease you everyday in seventh period,
You make me laugh more than anyone in eighth period.
We played Romeo and Juliet
Yet swore we’d never have feelings,
Despite everyone’s beliefs.
2014
You get a girlfriend,
We are only fourteen.
Summer is right around the corner, and i try to forget you.

2015
Your girlfriend doesn’t like me,
You stop speaking to me.
I stop seeing you at school.
2015
I start dating a boy who I swore I loved.

2016
I was done with boys,
I was convinced I loved him,
He wanted inside of my body.
2016
You say “Hi” to me in first period,
I didn’t realize we had class together again.

2017
You begin to awkwardly compliment my captions on Instagram;
You’ve never heard of the quotes, but you love them.
I wrote them, but I’ll never tell you that.
2017
Your girlfriend has been hitting you,
Screaming at you,
Ignoring you
For nearly three years.

2018
I’m sitting with your friend at lunch,
You pass us in the hall.
You’re tired.
2018
You begin to stand with my friends and I in the hall of the mornings,
Once again, I’m teasing you and you make me laugh like no one else can.
2018
She breaks up with you.
2018
You begin confiding in me over things I’m swore to secrecy.
We begin hanging out;
I’m at your house everyday after school.
I swear it’s just to tutor you in English for the ACT,
I’ll never tell you it’s just to see you.
2018
A girl likes you, hates me and tells everyone I was ***** but deserved it;
I take my anger out on you
Blame you, because you let her into our small group.
2018
I stop speaking to you for a bit,
It drives me insane.
Graduation
I go home with you that night,
We are as close as we were. Like nothing ever happened.
We just hold hands
And that’s all I needed.
We spent that entire summer together;
Making s’mores
Staying up until 5am drinking a bit,
And talking of life.
2018
I leave for college but we still try to date.
It’s hard to keep the distance so I come home
A l o t.
2019
I end up transferring back home,
For you but also financial purposes.
June 10th, 2019
We are laying in our bed together, you’re curled up next to me,
Mumbling words of affection and love.

My, how things change.

"What happened to you?"
You ask me when you come back. "You're so Different now."

You took my essence, my fire, and my soul when you left and you tried to place them into someone else, but they didn't fit. Now you stand before me, and you dare ask me what happened? How could you?

"Life." I simply answer. "I grew up."

Sometimes it's heartbreaking
to look the woman
who gave me life
in the eye,
because I don't want this life
anymore.

i'm your weakness,
your own personal drug.
I'm your high,
You're my low.

I want to go home
but I am home.
I'm homesick
for a home I don't have
and it's the scariest and
saddest feeling yet.

Our hands,
they tangle as if
in prayer in
the religion that is
our love.

I have become my nightmare,
the girl who always hid in
the far depths of my mind,
tangled in weeds with terror
surrounding her,
There was always a curious chaos
about her that I both yearned and feared,
I will become the beauty of the mess,
and my soul with tangle with hers like art.
I am my own nightmare
and I will embrace it.

I was your flower but
seasons passed,
we grew apart
and now Your flower has wilted,
But I have grown.

So there I was,
running and running
trying to catch up with the sun,
with all my hopes and dreams.
I was right at an arms length,
until then I woke up

Darling,
haven't they warned you
not to play with fire?
Haven't they told you
I'm the atomic bomb?

I fell,
Down, down, down
into the far reaches of my mind,
down into the abyss
I fell.
I will rise,
from the ashes of who I was,
from the inevitable
darkness that took over me.
Because I am a Phoenix.
I will rise.

I'm a peculiar chaos,
I'll keep you on your toes,
But who's to say
we won't create an adventure

In 17 years I've learned
nothing is fair,
any shrivel of happiness will be taken,
not just taken, it'll be ripped out
of your hands.
In 17 years I've learned
no one wants to help
unless they get something,
someone is always waiting to
knock you off the podium,
and parents are the first
to take your dreams.
In 17 years I've learned
that I don't want to be here
so much so I want to scream.

I tried and tried
for so long.  
Suddenly
I was exhausted.
My mind growing weary,
I decided that my
time had come.

You're inside me,
like a disease.
You tangle through my veins,
unwilling to put my mind to ease.
I beg of you to loosen the reins,
just let go of me and take the pain please.
You have taken place as my cane,
but you've pushed me to leave.
I beg of you to loosen the reins,
But you are my fatal disease.

Someday it's going to
consume me.
The darkness inside me
that grows everyday.
I'm going to become
my worst fear.
But I can't stop it.

and now i sit here
in the rain
pondering my life
and the use of capitalization.
and why we so very
seldom appreciate
the birds or the sky.
but i understand
the need for liquor or smoke
because it's a hard fight.
it's been a beautiful fight
still is.

My best friend
My shoulder to cry on
We were so close
But now
Now I see
You just needed me
So you could feel better about yourself
Because I was too messed up
I was beyond repair
But you
You just needed some of my essence
My "best friend"  
May I ask you this
Where did you go

Darling can't you see?
I'm the one
Who can cause the pain
To be numb.
I'm the one
Who can devour your soul
And take you captive in my kiss.
Even if it's a just a second
Darling I can be your drug.
Let me take you somewhere.

I'm cold
Right down
To my soul.
I'm mean
Right down
To my bones.
Don't fall for me,
I am a monster.
I am incapable of love.
I'll ruin your life
Before you even make a place in mine.

I'll be your destruction,
But you,
You will fall in line as another casualty
To my cold and cruel ways.
I wish to help you escape
Before you become trapped
In the labyrinth of my mind,
But not even I can escape.

My eyes,
as cold and silver as a bullet,
will pierce through your mind,
heart, body and soul.

Sure, her eyes are blue as the sea,
But my eyes are grey as storm clouds.
Her's will remind you of constant peace,
Mine will remind you of chaos and the unknown.
She'll go down in your scrap book,
Where as I'll go down in your history.
She'll be your memory,
I'll be your tragedy.

I don't belong to you.
I belong to the world.
I am of the essence of the stars.
I am meant to be free,
to be wild,
and to run with the hunted.

I knew I didn't belong.
Everyone around me wanted to stay
I wanted to run free
I do not belong to anyone
I belong to the world.
Since I was a small child,
I've had the nomads soul.

And I hope
That every single time you see storm clouds approaching,
you are reminded of my grey eyes.
I hope, my dear, that you realize that I was your storm,
And you were just another casualty.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Counting
Does not
Help the
Anger that
Is in my soul.
I have been cursed to become this abyss of endless cruelty and sadness. I cannot be saved and to be frank I do not wished to be saved.
I am a knife.
Do not complain
Of what you have forged me into.

I don't want plain.
Sure in my black and white world
You were grey
But
I wanted color.
I wanted vibrancy.
I wanted you
But
You couldn't give me what I needed
And
I couldn't give you what you needed.
As much pain as it causes me
We just weren't meant to be.
After all you were as grey as your smoke
I was as blue as the sea.

Was that little six year old girl walking home from her bus stop ready to tell her mother about her first day of school asking for it?

Was the teenage girl asking for it by walking to the restroom?

What about a mother? Was she asking for it by making a trip to the grocery store?

I love you.
I love your odd colored eyes,
I love your laugh
Your sense of humor
Your arrogance
Your smile.
I love you.
I love you personality,
Your quirks
Your bad habits.
I love so much about you.
I love you because you are just you.
I hate you because you broke my heart.
I hate you because I can't forget you.
I hate you because I'm afraid of a life without you.

I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to freak out.
I want to live
I want to laugh
I want to love.
I am so insatiable,
I will probably combust.

I am like a void
An endless abyss
I try not to fall
But sometimes I miss
In the end
I am leaving you behind
And if I cross your mind
Please remember my friend
This was not your fault
So don't ever feel sad
I was a ticking time bomb
A great nomad
I wanted to explore
But not of this land
In the end
I was given life
But what I sought was certain death