I told you my opinion about this little yellow car we rode behind on our way home
you barked back your opinion about "how I liked that ****" as you phrased it
we drop to silence
im suddenly aware of the position of my hands in my lap
and im aware of how trapped I am

The pink in the sky
The sparkle in your eye
Makes me feel alive

I do not recall this bed
These arms I rest my soul in
Who is this heart lying next to me
What am I to them

What is my name?

The soft sheets tangle around my body
but I'm not comfortable
I'm panicked
My mind doesn't know this place of comfort
This place of unknown memories
sewn together with the soul next to me

I'm not aware
This place is home
And she is my love
But I'm losing my mind
                                          blink
                                                    by
                                                         *blink

Tonight, I watch as the moon shields herself away from the earth with the clouds
I wish I could tuck myself away as easily as she
Instead, I am pulled under, away from everything

Sinking
Drowning
Accepting

Although it is dark where I sit at the bottom
My lungs are too full
And I’ve run out of spite to fight the weight that settles me
The pressure is pushing down on my limbs
I feel crushed, it uses too much energy to move
And I’m tired

My supply of will has run cold
Overwhelmed and desolate
I will watch as the moon shines above
As I cry below

clock could you tell me,
if i could reverse time,
what day would i turn back to?

maybe the day i spotted a flower, blooming alone in a field
spacious silence for it to grow
ever so gentle movement in the breeze that spring day

or the day i met you
your smile shinning brighter than the crowd
eyes like the rich soil from which you grew
if only you'd learn to
                                      outgrow
                                                      the spaces  
                                                        ­                between us

maybe then clock, i could recall why you left me for the fields of silence

busy movement of dinner time
frantic dashing to make a dish
insults were thrown in as spices
bitter as they roll into the ***
oven alarms blare to make us aware of how loud we are yelling
a spoon has fallen, but so has some tears
"it's ready" has been uttered

the blur of busy has stopped
we shift to the table
the table is set,
and I'm set for the argument sure to disrupt  
silence seeps out of open mouths
chewing and calculating the next move
its dinner time after all
no one is satisfied until the dishes are done

a loneliness filled in your absence
an absence i still haven't filled

your ghosts still haunt the hallways
the walls still whisper your names
the mirrors still remind me of your words
i still miss you somedays

your absence grows and festers
crashing in the wind
i wish you'd leave me faster
despite the emptiness

you try to fix the broken
but your skeletons have long been moved
i wish you would've listened
there's nothing you can do

The high seeps into my bones
trickling slowly, inward, and deeply
as if my body has turned to liquid
I float

i float past the anger i felt during work today
the desperation to be anywhere but there
i pass the happiness i felt in my car with a smoothie bowl
jamming to my music feeling optimistic for once
then i see it,
the despair, the guilt, the ugly
the moments growl at me
they are so wrapped in their own misery to never see the light
they deserve to stay here

the place i can float away from
where they only haunt me when I'm trying to escape from solitude

home life is like an abusive relationship
some days hold soft sunsets and gentle words
exchanges that make you believe it's alright
watching ****** expressions as you eat dinner
whispered good nights
some are rougher, leaving tears leaking in secret
whine and dreams of days before
hope pulling at heartstrings tell you not to forget the better
some days make you wish you succeded all those years ago when depression was your only personality trait
with dark nights only shifting the hue of the stark black
exchanges deepen the already pounding wound
I wish I left back then almost as much as I do now
a few months and ill be free for a while
college will be my forbidden lover, whisking me away from the jury

but this house will never be a home to me

I want to be the perfect student
The perfect daughter
But my minds a mutant
It holds me underwater
Just waiting for the slaughter
I sit
Wait for the right moment
The right time to admit
Im unfocused
Im the coldest
Im most certainly broken
I show my smile
so many things are unspoken
To me most things arent worthwhile
But I'll  let it pile


Till I can't hold it

My arms held you close
I looked deeply into your eyes
As if they were a vast ocean I couldn't understand
I studied every curve of your face
Knowing you be gone soon
The memory of your face will be hidden in this place
Just like the memories of us too

my anxiety is a shadow man
he haunts my nights when I'm hallucinating
waits in the hallways
under my bed
in the darkness
reached out hand
he wants to take me


**he wants to destroy my sanity

she held my heart in her cold hands

tentatively gentle she placed in her box

her box was filled with our memories piled high

something material of mine covered where my heart will be placed

I let her into my life so much, she became my life

the only reason I existed was to be in the presence of the goddess

it was her that ended me, I begged her to do it

begged on my hands and knees, tears flooding my vision

she was gentle with my request but she was vengeful for my fall

my head was picked up by her tugging on my hair

it was a short, sweet ending, swiftly but slow all at once

my love took my life from my will and served it chilled

frozen over like her own, silver platter or gold?

I wished for the pieced existence to be whole again

it was okay, I was dead and embedded in a box, wrapped in silk

she was alive and cleanse her need for bloodshed

her eyes seemed heavy and her will dripped from her eyes

Was she crying? out of shame of a more display of torture or of guilt for slaying a soul so loyal to her

I would never know because that box became my home

wrapped in silk on top of my gown, I lay frozen over



and she frowned

your eyes wash over me
waves crashing on sand
stripping the beach of its substance

silence stretches between us
growing, blooming
splitting our love into pieces
vines intangling and overtaking

something cold drops from my tear ducts
my heart aches
everything is swallowed
****** into the depth of pain, wretching my body
shaking like an earthquake

you walk away
lowering your head
I howl at you but you keep drifting away
sailing through the ocean that is my mind
the wind whispers to me that you were never mine
you only acted like a gem in my crown,
blending in, but never matching

suddenly I am warm, burning
surrounded by the flames set by you
but the warmth is not enough to throw my winter aside
your lies will not burn my walls down
we are done
I've thrown us aside to make way for a new world to grow
but your roots linger underneath the soil

The bird at my window reaps my sorrows
I lay static in a sea of blankets
This cycle wracks through my body
Un-nerved, unwilling, exhausted.

a day of repeat
get up
dress
and question what to eat
procrastinate
feel useless
and watch people succeed on tv

She stands
My eyes follow
She's brighter than the others
The colour so vivid
I've never seen somone so bright
She glows like the sun,the moon, and the stars
She smiles
I feel my heart reel
The colour gets brighter
Almost blinding


She's the one...

sunday nights at the house are brutal
yelling and being *******
taking our arguments and stuffing them in our pillowcases
to confront the next night

we go to bed angry
not at ourselves but at each other
but we don't care
we'll separate into our rooms
distance ourselves to our own space
think, breathe, and think again

we are not a family
merely people dependent on people
we do not share the same taste
or the same aspiration to exist

we are simply people angry at people in a house on sunday night

marriage isn't dragging the kids into the problems
it isn't aggressively leaving after a fight
it's not sleeping in separate rooms because you couldn't listen to each other
or shouting over the dogs barking, complaining without care

marriage isn't gossiping about the worse of your love to your family
it isn't laying hands on your love or rejecting their opinion  
it is not losing value in the relationship and considering separation

marriage isn't ignoring your one-year-old to sleep so your love has to deal with its crying and the messy house
it is not neglecting the responsibility to get a job and not supporting your family
it isn't rejection or ignorance

marriage is
love
acceptance
honesty
respect
devotion

its everything you haven't shown me
so thank you for showing me what marriage isn't

this obsession creeping into my veins
your ghost screams so loud sometimes
never forget

it's been a year
you've festered and grown
knawing away at my resolve

the one that got away,
the warmth you bring to my broken soul
a comfort i'd wish would leave like you

You looked like a deer caught in headlights
Waiting for something to change
Even with the darkness surrounding you
There's light showing you the way.

Your heavy, hot air scorches my face
Bumpy, twisting roads lined with leaves of fall
Condensation on the windows
Keep going is the mantra playing in my head
You are fidgeting,
     you're nervous, but what for?
This moment we share is going well
You look swell, you always do

I was so focused on loving you

that I didn't realize
                                        I wasn't loving myself

i believe in the impossible
but the impossible
                                  doesnt
                                                believe
                                                              in
                                                                     Me

I crack  down
at the voice saying your name
the sound
just drives me insane

I fell easy
I fell hard
you were gone
you left me scarred

I thought you meant forever
but yet you walk away
I sadly still love you
however
I still mean my forever and always

forever felt like a minute
your always didn't last
I guess you hit your limit
ill lock it in the past

I thought we had something
something so real
but sadly it was nothing
man life with you had so much appeal

You fill my cup to knock it over
The false promises haunt me at night
Your pretty lies embraced me till nothing mattered but you

Like my favorite season, you disappeared
Leaving me cold, lonely, lost
The ghost of you embraces me
Taunting me with your absence
Your pretty lies hold my broken pieces
The sunset reminds me of you

I hate you for what you’ve done to me
False promises embraced me
Lit a fire within my empty home
My anxieties run rampant in your absence
Rising like the flames with each passing day

You were wanted by me
I was ready to build my life with you
Ready to embrace domestic and loved
But you reminded me

Love is lost.
Love is false.
Love is a concept that deems me unworthy.
I am not good enough for anyone but myself

You broke my heart that was never full to begin with
Tattered and forgotten
Embraced by the dreams of you that haunt me
How do I forget someone my brain doesn’t want to lose?

I'm at peace with your presence
And happy with your voice in my ear
Because without you and your smile
I wouldn't be here

you weren't supposed to know
                                               I cried myself to sleep

you weren't supposed to know
                                               I hated every inch of me

you weren't supposed to know
                                               I like girls the same way you do


you weren't supposed to know
                                               I wanted to die too