The bird at my window reaps my sorrows
I lay static in a sea of blankets
This cycle wracks through my body
Un-nerved, unwilling, exhausted.

Tonight, I watch as the moon shields herself away from the earth with the clouds
I wish I could tuck myself away as easily as she
Instead, I am pulled under, away from everything

Sinking
Drowning
Accepting

Although it is dark where I sit at the bottom
My lungs are too full
And I’ve run out of spite to fight the weight that settles me
The pressure is pushing down on my limbs
I feel crushed, it uses too much energy to move
And I’m tired

My supply of will has run cold
Overwhelmed and desolate
I will watch as the moon shines above
As I cry below

home life is like an abusive relationship
some days hold soft sunsets and gentle words
exchanges that make you believe it's alright
watching ****** expressions as you eat dinner
whispered good nights
some are rougher, leaving tears leaking in secret
whine and dreams of days before
hope pulling at heartstrings tell you not to forget the better
some days make you wish you succeded all those years ago when depression was your only personality trait
with dark nights only shifting the hue of the stark black
exchanges deepen the already pounding wound
I wish I left back then almost as much as I do now
a few months and ill be free for a while
college will be my forbidden lover, whisking me away from the jury

but this house will never be a home to me

your eyes wash over me
waves crashing on sand
stripping the beach of its substance

silence stretches between us
growing, blooming
splitting our love into pieces
vines intangling and overtaking

something cold drops from my tear ducts
my heart aches
everything is swallowed
****** into the depth of pain, wretching my body
shaking like an earthquake

you walk away
lowering your head
I howl at you but you keep drifting away
sailing through the ocean that is my mind
the wind whispers to me that you were never mine
you only acted like a gem in my crown,
blending in, but never matching

suddenly I am warm, burning
surrounded by the flames set by you
but the warmth is not enough to throw my winter aside
your lies will not burn my walls down
we are done
I've thrown us aside to make way for a new world to grow
but your roots linger underneath the soil

marriage isn't dragging the kids into the problems
it isn't aggressively leaving after a fight
it's not sleeping in separate rooms because you couldn't listen to each other
or shouting over the dogs barking, complaining without care

marriage isn't gossiping about the worse of your love to your family
it isn't laying hands on your love or rejecting their opinion  
it is not losing value in the relationship and considering separation

marriage isn't ignoring your one-year-old to sleep so your love has to deal with its crying and the messy house
it is not neglecting the responsibility to get a job and not supporting your family
it isn't rejection or ignorance

marriage is
love
acceptance
honesty
respect
devotion

its everything you haven't shown me
so thank you for showing me what marriage isn't

I told you my opinion about this little yellow car we rode behind on our way home
you barked back your opinion about "how I liked that ****" as you phrased it
we drop to silence
im suddenly aware of the position of my hands in my lap
and im aware of how trapped I am

busy movement of dinner time
frantic dashing to make a dish
insults were thrown in as spices
bitter as they roll into the ***
oven alarms blare to make us aware of how loud we are yelling
a spoon has fallen, but so has some tears
"it's ready" has been uttered

the blur of busy has stopped
we shift to the table
the table is set,
and I'm set for the argument sure to disrupt  
silence seeps out of open mouths
chewing and calculating the next move
its dinner time after all
no one is satisfied until the dishes are done