She’s soft and beautiful, kind and gentle,
But pushed so hard she’s over caring
Each new insult, a sliver of the mask cut away
Revealing the primal anger that
slumbers in us all.

Her eyes are gentle, bright and open -
Or at least, they used to be. They say eyes
Are the windows to the soul, but what if
Rocks and screams have shattered them
And only jagged glass remains?
It hurts to look at her now, to see the gaping
Holes where her soul used to be.

And that brave, beautiful heart of hers, the one
That  had an overabundance of love -
It’s closed off now, from itself and others,
And all the blood collects inside until it’s
Ready to burst.

And when all of it comes exploding out, a fountain
Of pain laid bare before you
There’s nothing left for you to do.
Look what you’ve done, this princess you now call
Monster.

I have measured out my life with
the sadness I felt with every
One of your lying looks, your deceitful eyes that
Tell me the truth while you say you “love me”.

I have lived out my life hoping
that you could come around, whispering
Honeyed promises that I wish I could believe
But you’ve left me, and every moment of my life
Is now measured with the memory of you.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
For fate is not in my hands, and
Life seems to be brittle, shattering before my eyes
A thousand fault lines running through
My mind, cracked from thoughts that flood
I’m in deep waters where air cannot reach me
I can’t find the surface.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
Overthink every choice, a butterfly effect,
A hurricane rippling through my inner world
Unraveling the tapestry of my future,
Warping every possibility -
No, I do not dare.

I want to experience it -
The youthful thrill of trembling hands,
Smiles softened by the dying sunlight
Words, cotton-candy sweet, adoring
Uncomplicated, understanding, bright.

I want to feel it -
Love, a feeling sickly-sweet and soft,
Or puppy love, as mom will call it
I want those phone calls into midnight, laughs
Inside jokes, adoring, “let’s go bowling” -
I want the hangouts that stretch
into technicolor dreams
Hugs, languid, smiles drunken
Love, oh how I want to drown
in your beam.

Do you remember how you said…
You forget that you have friends,
Because you feel so lonely?
I understand you. I was too afraid to say it,
But I really, really do.

But maybe those aren't always the friends
worth remembering.

Are you a bad person?
Or are you just hurting, and
You lash out at every single person
Who actually cares?

Do you think it makes me feel good,
Or sympathetic, when you
Spit in my face and disregard
Every beautiful moment we had?

Do you think it’s better this way,
To have so many people apathetic to you
From repeated insults, and screaming
And broken trust?
Is that better than having people love you?

I guess sometimes
You think I just don’t care
Because I don’t make my entire life
A tragedy
Just because of a chapter.

I wish I didn’t hate you
As much as I loved you
I wish our relationship was easy,
Just as sisterhood is supposed to be

I wish you didn’t get so angry
And your rage didn’t feel so routine
I wish I didn’t have to think twice
Before listening to you, wondering
If your story’s a lie, or just your warped,
Narcissistic truth

I wish this felt more like family,
And we didn’t have to talk behind your back
I wish you were happier, and freer
And less controlled by your anger

I wish you didn’t self-sabotage after
Every good thing
I wish you didn’t love me so much
Because maybe then, it would be easier

Fires igniting all around,
Burning and destructive.
And they’re in my heart, too,
Burning through the outer layers,
All the way to the core of my fear.

Fear of losing this comfortable life,
This reality where I sit calmly, routinely
Eat in peace and barely check
The news. Where the air quality isn’t
A problem, and where all of this
Goes away.

I guess the core of the fear is this, isn’t it -
Losing the routine, the comfortable,
The mundane. Feeling scared for
Loved ones, even though I know
Nothing will happen, right?
It’s too far away (getting closer), right?

I long for things.

And longing, it’s contagious
It spreads to all those around you,
Until they, too,
Dream of houses larger,
Dream of cities bigger,
Long for lives vaster.
Happier.

And I’m willing to do anything
For that dream.

Maybe art is exposing my soul,
Leaving it raw and vulnerable under
The gazes of all those
Who wander in the museum of my
Heart.

Maybe art is an exercise in understanding,
Where we strain to make sense of
Darkness we’ve never seen the depths of,
Or light that we long to be warmed by
But can’t quite reach.

Maybe art is a meeting of kindred spirits;
An understanding that you were never alone,
Even when you were drowning and no one
Could hear you scream.
Far away, your words echoed, and in
The mind of another lost soul,
They found their place on the page.

They tell you, write it with emotion.
Write it like it’s a history you’ve seen -
Describe it in burning colors,
Making a tragedy of things unseen.

But then they criticize you, tell you
It’s too graphic - that there’s no way
That was your personal war.
They’d rather look away,
Than acknowledge that it was your everyday.

When I left, perhaps I was afraid
of the bottomless chasm I left behind me -
Leaving bridges, sure
But who’d be brave enough
to cross them?

On the other side, I left dreams
that I’d outgrown, blossoming in the
spring sunshine.
(Doesn’t the grass always look greener
On the other side?)

And there, too, I left memories -
They permeated every single street,
and every flower that a
lovestruck girl had ever given
(It was me. I was that girl.)

I left behind notes, engraved on
sagging sycamores - old little jokes,
and dares, and promises.
(P + N. Do you remember?)

And bits of myself still wander
in apartments that collect dust,
or stranger’s whispers.
Maybe you can still hear my childlike
laugh, trapped in the highest point
of a rusting swing.

And there, too, I left nightmares
tear-filled nights that stretched forever
in the company of doubt, and silence
(and insomnia).

And in that same place…
I left you behind.
I didn’t think you’d be brave enough
But who am I, to think I
know you better?

I’d cross the bridge halfway, homesick
some days, longing
for the younger self I left
behind. And there you’d be -
Cross-legged, smiling,
waiting for me in between.

I miss you, and I love you,
even if I don’t say it enough.
Thank you for loving me enough
to stay - even thousands of miles
apart.

Our problems feel so personal,
Like a knife designed to cut
In all the weakest spots.
And we can look at lives apart from ours -
Shining, golden in their
Perfection.

And a yearning can rise up within, a hunger
That doesn’t abate -
I wish I had their life,
That hollow space whispers.

But pain overwhelms those lives,
A personal pain that we’ve already
Overcome.
Issues that we can’t even fathom,
Hid behind every picture-perfect
Smile.
Destruction that comes in forms
We’ve never even seen -
Insidious, hidden, all-consuming.

Or maybe, their life is perfect
(if there ever was such a thing).
Maybe it’s golden, and full of love
And light, and
Promise.
And I’m happy for them, truly
And yet, I would never trade my problems
For theirs.

All of us hide
Behind smiles that tell everyone,
I’m fine
So they don’t even have to ask

If they did ask,
How are you?
The reply is the same, monotone,
Programmed into us
Just like our niceties,
Our polite evasions.

Our quiet defenses distract,
Destroy
They push others away,
Before they’ve even had a chance
To try.

How are you?
I’m struggling, drowning,
Help me, please -
Listen to me, even though I don’t
Have the courage to speak.

Swear you’ll bleed in loving colors,
Swear you won’t complain or scream;
Swear you’ll always love me softly,
Swear you won’t die or hate or dream.

Swear your nightmares won’t be graphic,
Swear they won’t turn to dreams -
Swear you’ll always be most honest,
Swear you’ll be my angel seraphim.

Swear you’ll never break your promise,
Swear you won’t beat me black and blue;
Instead, swear you’ll watch every sunset
With me, and I with you.

Soft as honey, hard as ice
Never mine, your honest eyes.

For I was never yours, not in the moments
When you looked at me, all soft and warm;
And you were never mine, not in the eternity
When my heart beat double-time.

We were never loved, not when we stared
Into the depths of all we hid;
Nor in those sacred moments, reverent
When we understood all we just undid.

Not in the glow of standing together,
An enduring lantern light-
For it soon ended, as it should have
In the glare of the daylight.

A yearning swallowed softly,
In the wake of reality
Never dared to be dreamt -
It fades away, leaving whispers behind.

They follow me as I work, and
Gaze wistfully out of the misty window -
As I lay in my bed, tired
Dreaming softly of worlds (not my own).

Those whispers distract, daze,
Destroy - destroy my life, built so
Tirelessly with my sweat and despair.
How could I throw away all of this,
When I worked so hard to get it?

Those whispers, they answer -
You worked for it, yes,
but you never
Wanted it.
What is it that you want?

And my traitorous mind, it whispers
(no, screams) back -
Dew-dropped meadows, sunsets that
Burn like fallen gods;
Views that steal my breath, suffocate
Until no thoughts remain.

Awe that makes me breathless, paralyzed -
A beauty so vast it cannot be
Understood.
Dawns that rise with me, falling away
Like old skin, the sun raw
On my transformed self.

Oh, I know what I want.