My fear is massive
It can't be wrapped up for Christmas
There is no way to contain it
It grows, grows, grows
My fear is a fire
It burns down bridges and highways
It burns through entire cities without ceasing

My thoughts are tornadoes
No one is safe
My thoughts consume, with gluttonous cheeks
Feeding on the pain, the joy, the fear, the living

I have been hiding behind small talk
And soft kisses
No more
I am exhausted
Why can't speaking be easy for me too?

Is there something to hold on to when reality slips away?
There are always more questions than answers
Some days I believe in solipsism or nihilism and that scares me
Some days I believe it's all just a dream
And I tell myself I shouldn't be scared because there is nothing to fear as if that would give me courage
But it just makes me silent

When I think about you,
it doesn't give me butterflies like it used to.
Instead I feel like I swallowed a dozen knives.
Looking through old photographs of us used to bring a smile to my face,
Now I get nauseous.
I once thought I would grow old with you
But the thought of you now makes me cringe.
I gave you my trust
And you tore me apart, bit by bit.
My eyes avoid all the reminisce and fingerprints you left in my home and on my skin.
I have tried to purge you out of my head
because the thought of you makes me disgusted
But its difficult.
You spread yourself thinly through all of my favorite things.
The only thing you never touched was my poetry.

Pieces of you are scattered throughout my life
-Your name is embedded in every poem I write-
Yet I'm a ghost in yours

You didn't know that my notes were actually love letters
And no matter how sad I was, you knew how to make me feel better
That every picture I drew of you was me trying to impress
And it was so hard not to watch you undress
I didn't know that our drunk kisses meant nothing to you
That all the nights we spent cuddled up watching movies was just what friends do
I buried my feelings for you
Because I knew we could never make it
It took 5 years and a lot of tears for me to finally admit
That what I felt for you... was love.

I'm sorry I have to say that as far as I can tell, you don't care about me nearly as much as I do you.
I'm sorry these words must be spoken.
I don't want my heart to be broken.
I need my thoughts to be proven true or false.
As far as I can tell, time has changed us.
Simply, my love is written in every message and poem.
My love is written in every car ride and every fear or worry.
My love is written clearly with black ink
And yours is written on a foggy window.

Do you think about me when you're going to sleep?
Do you think about me when you drink another glass of ***?
Do you think about me with love or lust?
Do you think about me at all?

I'm sorry my moonstruck man.
I'm sorry my lovely.
I'm sorry.
But you simply do not love me as much as I do you,
Or at least, you don't show it.

My thoughts come like lightning, without the storm.
They don't want to belong to this earth anymore.
But my body is frozen in fear
And I am burdened by obligations to stay strong.

I feel like I have no home.
I am just particles floating through the air
Trying to figure out where I belong.

I remembered something you once told me
At 3 am, its the time you are most vulnerable
You said "you are the strongest person I know"
I didn't believe you until you were gone
And now I say those words as if they are a spell that will save my soul

And I feel safest when I'm smaller than I should be
Tucked away under covers, or in bedroom closets
Trying to escape my monsters
But the monsters hid within me
Life can be a little overwhelming at times
And it doesn't help when the people around me
End up being monsters too

I am lost.
How can I fix this?
Which pills work the best?
Handfuls upon handfuls
Of tainted emotion
Robotic and soulless.
I dream and pretend
With justification
And self denials.
I need help.
I have been drawn
Towards my old habits
Of blissful *****
And handfulls of fixed happiness.

I wear the mask of a stranger
To try and find myself
Quite frankly, I can't breathe
When everyones staring at my back

I've been dying to ride
But they are holding me down
I've been trying to hide
But they keep coming back

I wear a smile on my tired face
I'm tired of trying and hiding
From every single tear

I am tired of running away
From all my fears
Of myself and who I am

I've been trying
To find
My home
A place to call my own
My dreams
My passions
My desires
I've been trying
To find
Me

Pearls lay sweetly around her neck
Lace amplifying every perfection on her beautiful body
The moon light glows heavenly upon her skin

I can't help feeling like you are the light that shines in the night sky.
When I told you I still cared about you
I was expecting the worst
But you gave me a glimmer of hope and I ran with it
My diluted mind formed galaxies around us.
I have tried to pull my eyes back down to earth
But it's hard when something more beautiful exists up there.

All the birds and the bees
Wouldn't wait for me
They are all singing
Happily
I am waiting
I am naive

I tried to climb
To the top of the trees
But I quickly lost my grip
And fell
Fast
And hard
My bones shattered
And scattered
Into one million shards

Once the day reached dawn
The gleaming light shined
And seeped through my skin
To repair my bones again.

There you were
Right in front of me
Smiling
Your heart beat clawing
Through your skin.
Mine, mimicking yours
Our hearts are in sync.

I feel like a brick building with graffiti on it
Special on the outside
But the inside is empty and the walls are solid.
I want to be an art gallery with a bright red door,
I want to lure people into my world and show them my organs
And let them take me for a spin.

I woke up
In your bed
And you were not there

I can smell
The stale beer
In my hair

The last thing
You said was
"May I kiss you" And,
I must have let you
Because I can still
Feel it's presence
The sweet, soft embrace
Of your delicate lips

Last night I fell asleep with an empty stomach and hallow eyes
Wishing to live in a different body
Only got 5 hours of sleep
It's strange how the season's effect me so much
Days spent inside this old house are always longer in the winter

I woke up with goosebumps and nicotine eyes
Deciding if waking up today was really worth it
Knowing it would be spent with lonely thoughts and a longing for you to call
But you never do

You are my nicotine, I inhale your words as if I need them to breathe
I should try to quit  
What we are doing to each other, its toxic
And what's so sad is when you finally reply
All I can remember is the high
I swear, loving you will give me cancer

Dean has been sleeping on my couch,
creating mountains of trash and ***** clothes.
It’s been hard to keep people around
Tears and broken hearts are swept in dark corners and under rugs

There was one year, I thought Dean had left for good.
He had been gone for 5 months
and I could feel a smile grow on my face.
I found a lover to bloom with,
to grow old with.
My heart, shining across valleys and through the night.
That was, until November, when Dean came back.

The sea rests peacefully
As I wait for the moon to rise
Sinking in the sand
Completely and utterly at ease
Eyes shut
Wisps of flimsy hair
Flow sweetly around my neck
As I dream
Of singing stars
Swirling
Painting pictures of all the time
That has past

In the moon I see you
Staring back at me
And as our eyes lock once more
I begin to feel a overwhelming warmth
And the ocean tickles my feet
Still dreaming
And waiting
For the moon to light the sea
I didn't even realize the water had reached my knees
As I began to sink
I heard the stars sing

my dear,
my dear,
open your eyes
naive little girl.
open your eyes
open your heart
open your mind
open your lungs
please breathe
one more time
for us
for you
for him
open your eyes

Still my eyes remained shut
As I slowly let myself fall
Into a comforting embrace
Resided deep between the sea and the sand.

You seem...okay.
While I'm here wondering what I did wrong and how I can fix this
You are okay.
It's been hard to get over you because I didn't know that we were over until a month past and you never called me back.
Was there anything i could of done to prevent this?

Whenever you get close
My eyes water,
My throat closes up,
My thoughts jumble,
I can barely think straight.
My sentences pour out like spoiled milk.
I bet you think I'm an idiot
But I really hope not.

When you told me you loved me
I could barely breathe
Never would I ever suspect
To be so happy
Everything feels
Right when I'm with you

I know I am in love with you
I have known for a while now
I just didn't know how to say it
Until you said it first

Getting to the point
When I can't stand
Myself and I
Don't know what to do
I physically can not move and
No one has a clue why

There's nothing left
To keep me numb
Because the weight
Crushing my lungs
Suffocating my dreams
Until I cannot see

I get to the point
When the moon
And the stars
Spin around
Me and myself
And all the light
Bleeds, it bleeds
Through my tongue
And all of my words run

There is nothing
Left to be
I was myself
I was not me
I became the demon
Who drowned me
In my sleep.
I was once
Innocent but I
Lost the keys
To my hope
And reality
I lived in my dreams
Which became nightmares
And all I did
Was sleep

I get to the point
When the moon
And the stars
Spin around
Me and myself
And all the light
Bleeds, it bleeds
Through my tongue
And all the words spill
Out my mouth

I don't know what to do
I physically cannot move

Who knows when she will get better
Because I certainly do not.
She is the greatest friend I've ever had.
How did she get so mixed up?
I don't understand why she thinks she is worthless.
She is worth so much in my eyes.
It scars my heart every time I see her cry.
And what was it worth for him?
Does he even realize what he has done?
Please explain it to me slowly,
Was it worth all her pain
For your "trial run"
For the half-assed marathon
That you never even finished
It's bone breaking how much she was torn apart.
She fell into love
And got dropped off,
Left,
And forgotten.

What if nothing really exists?
That is the question.
A question that digs deep into the soul

Who created God?
I've always wondered this
How could God exist?
How could one single being
Obtain enough power
To create all of existence?

All of the beliefs
Have very little evidence
I do not fully believe in anything
For I do not agree with non sense.

I should start breathing in more fresh air
And less cigarette smoke

How sad is it
That the validation I get
Comes from people who don’t even know me yet
And I cling to it
It makes no common sense
To believe in strangers opinions over your friends
But how could I believe that the people who love me
Wouldn’t lie to my face
When it’s all I’ve ever known
Getting older means learning how to cope with change
And growing up from the child your parents raised
And you can’t do it all alone
You’ll have to learn to pick up your phone

My mother used to say that friends would never last and I shouldn’t trust that anyone would have my back
She said that family was the only ones who would love every piece of me regardless
But that just wasn’t true
Her love came with conditions too

So it’s sad that now
When I’m feeling down
I don’t feel like I can reach out to my friends
So instead I cry to the internet and
When people ask me why
I tell them it’s because rejection is easier to swallow when the relationship is hallow

I’m so sorry that I can’t always be that
Sun-shining person you think I am
So I’ll hide from you when I’m feeling blue
So you don’t see every scrape cut and bruise
That I dug and carved right out of my heart
Just to feel like I am human too

Elements
Of art
Of Nature
On a periodic table
Pure, holy, individual
An organic form
A silent rain
Two hydrogen’s and one oxygen
Single yet united
In some shape or form

At night I pour myself into my poetry and drawings.
(Even if it's not always successful)
I drink 3 cups of coffee a day
And coincidentally, I stay up past 4 in the morning.
The weekends are saved for daydreaming.

This month, the hours I spend alone far outshine the hours I spend with my friends.
I think I have more conversations with myself then with them.
Spring this year not only brings blossoms
But a new home too.
With fresh paint and cardboard boxes
I'm hoping distance will allow me to learn to live without you.

I've been trying, to forget how your face looks, and how your eyes are capable of changing tides.
I also need to stop comparing you to Gods
Because as we both know, you have flaws.
Reciprocity, is certainly one of them.

Beautifully dressed
A painful kiss
So long, Goodbye,
My love.

I'm obsessive and compulsive
I understand why no one wants to get close to me anymore
I am a mess and find the ugly in the most beautiful things
And I drag happiness through the mud so it looks more like
How I feel all the time
I am firestarter
I burn through people like they are cigarettes
I'm a smoker
I inhale all of my sorrows and exhale "I'm fine" with a smile and tears in my eyes

When I watch Alice in Wonderland I say the scripts and songs softly to myself
When I cook dinner I narrate out loud as if I'm on a cooking show
When listen to my favorite song, I sing the lyrics and the melody
When I am in line for food or coffee I recite a little monologue of what I want to say to them
Because if I dont, I forget.

I was stupid to think
I could drink
The words you spoke to me
In our late night conversations
I should have read the label marked
Poison

I'm giving you pieces of me
And even if you never complete me
I will try to fill in the spaces
Because I hate feeling empty.

I guess that's why I fill my time with meaningless things.
I don't want to leave any space for loneliness.

I waste my time sitting alone
In my room
Listening to songs that remind me of you
But when I remember all that we've been through
And how you mess with my mind
I find myself writing songs and poetry

It's always been easier for me
To hid my feelings from others
But for you, I have to let you know
How you make my heart glow
And how many times I've cried over you

It may be hard to do
Once the feelings are out
They will stay out
Until I'm too tired to speak.

I see all of the darkness
All of the light
Your eyes are complex
Deep blues, calming greens and creamy yellows
The base of our Earth's natural colors
Oceans swirl round and round
Collecting all of the colors in the universe

Your eyes twinkle
Full of hope

Expression with sadness
Pain has always been your best inspiration

Endless threads
Stringing together
The "last times" of this year
As "first times"
Slip
Through your fingertips

Three years pass

I had been dreaming
From the first night we met
Wondering
When your lips would melt into mine.
I am glad first kisses
Often lead to more.

Our souls may float on by
And blindly slip  
Through the broken cracks of our futures
But love still remains
In our tingling toes,
The tips of our fingers
Every goose bump
Reminds
You and I
Of every second spent

Reflect
The light of our history
Onto the fresh pavement
In every shining city
Until the polished view of the world
Dissipates
We are left remembering
The colors in each others eyes
And the unmistakable feeling
Which leaves us to wonder
How long it has been..

Is this what "normal" feels like?

I fell deeply and madly in love with you
My heart crashed on the ground
And bleed out with passion
I can feel your warmth
From miles away
If I close my eyes
I can see the colors
That make up the sky
And I can see your colors
Drifting closer to mine
And our bodies connect
And our colors blend
Into one solid illuminating
Explosion of lights
I can feel the universe
Bursting within me

I close my eyes
I feel your embrace, from behind
-and whisper in my ear that frowns will wrinkle my pretty little face-
I feel your hands gliding towards my thighs
-and you tell me that you can read a lot in peoples eyes-
I feel your warm breath on my neck
-and then you kiss me on the back-
I feel my skin boiling and my body is tense.
-and you say I need to learn to relax-

...

I wake up, a stranger in my own body.
Just wanting to return home.

Coming up with the right words has always been difficult for me
I write and rewrite and delete and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I become exhausted
Of thinking, crying,
Of myself
I hardly share the things I write
I hate them
I hate them
I hate them
Half the time, I hardly know what to say
Or how to start.

Have you ever starved yourself to the point of sickness?
Empty and hallow and still trying to give pieces of yourself that don’t exist
You take another pill, tell another lie, say to yourself, your family and friends you are fine
Eat just enough to get by
Hope they don’t notice the gaps getting larger between your meals and your thighs
You take sleeping pills because sleep has become harder and harder to reach
The pit in your stomach screams loudly
Warning you that it’s empty
Reluctantly you go and swallow your pride
And hope that will last you through the evening

For whatever reason,
I have the greatest faith in time
Dear father time, he can fix all my problems
He can mend all my wounds
As a consolation, he borrows from me, my days, months, and years
He seems to take the salad days and a few memories too

I wish it was easier for me
To say what's on my mind
But my thoughts are like moths
And my brain is a light
It only turns off when liquor fills my stomach
And my thoughts can escape through my mouth

I wish it was easier for me
To embrace all I am blessed with
My mothers passion roars inside me
And I have my father's patience
To make it all balance.

I am in the middle of an intersection
And I can't seem to figure out
Which way I want to turn.

Anxiety sometimes feels like dying
Nausea, body aches, my insides are melting
If it’s bad enough there is throw up in the sink
It’s so bad, I can’t even think

I’m trying to express how I feel like I did as a child,
Through crayons and pencils
Pressed into paper until they break in two.
How can I feel so hopeless
Doing something I used to love to do?
Like I did as a child
I make myself small and cry in my closet
That painful sobbing that hurts your throat
And convince myself yet again to give up.

You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Self preservation?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.

I find comfort in sad things
Like songs, poems, and abandoned buildings.

i feel like my body and brain have stopped talking
i find myself running aimlessly through life
with no goals and no purpose
its as if my ambition is on vacation and the only thing i know how to do is survive
where did my passion go
did it leave when i stopped letting love in

Do you often wonder
Why there are voices in the dark
Why you feel like you are never alone
How to understand sanity
How to understand reality
No one truly knows
The depth of reality
The truth of reality
The feeling of reality
Is seeing believing?
Will the world around you disappear?

I lost something special
It was my own fault
I didn't have my eyes open wide enough
I didn't look up
If I did I would've seen all the beauty
All of the promise

Every day
I regret every day that I stared at the ground
Just letting life pass me by
Letting people slip away
As if they were the leaves in autumn
I let them fall and disappear into the winter weather

I am a ghost
I float through life
Wondering what my purpose is
Wondering how to feel passionate again
Everyday is a rerun of the one before
I have lost my way
It feels like I am running with weights on my shoulders
And the road has no end

You are a virus
There is no cure
The only way to get rid of you
Is with lots of rest and patience.

The night I left
  you were sitting in your chair with your head in your hands.
Trying to understand what went wrong
  when it was me all along.
I looked around the room and something felt off.
Music softly humming
  filling the space like a ghost.
I walked to the window to get some fresh air
  as I struggled to catch my breath
  and drew the curtains to find concrete and I wept.
I packed my things and said my goodbyes.
Telling you I didn't love you and I was wasting my time.
I thought distance could fix all my issues
  and I would finally feel the breeze through satin curtains
  but those windows proved to be concrete as well.