I lost something special
It was my own fault
I didn't have my eyes open wide enough
I didn't look up
If I did I would've seen all the beauty
All of the promise

Every day
I regret every day that I stared at the ground
Just letting life pass me by
Letting people slip away
As if they were the leaves in autumn
I let them fall and disappear into the winter weather

Here I stand,
with match in hand.
Your words drip over me like gasoline.
I promise you I will be clean.
I strike the match to cleanse my soul.
You watch me burn,
your heart is cold.

When I say I love you like I love a song
I mean I play you nonstop until I get tired
I let myself become surrounded by you
You become the only thing that makes me feel
I itch when I can’t feel you near me
When I can’t hear your constant reassurance that you won’t leave me
Even though I know I’ll leave you eventually
I’m sorry if I love you like I love a song
Because I will make you feel like my whole world
And take all your free time
I will tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me
But it’s only temporary

Last nights tragedies
Weigh on cigarettes

Tomorrow I will be okay.
I will wake up, make pancakes and drink my favorite coffee.
I will buy myself a fancy dress
And a book by my favorite author.
I will go eat my favorite meal.
I will watch people at a coffee shop
And draw or maybe write a poem or two.
I will come home and drink mulled wine
And watch a movie that makes me smile.
But for tonight,
I will let my heart ache.

Dear Men,
but not "all men"
As a woman
I feel unsafe anytime I leave the house.
I am terrified of the dark,
I am never alone,
I am taught to be polite
Dress nice
And never leave my drink

Women are supposed to
Accept a world where there is victim shaming
Accept a world where our biology is a business

Women are supposed to
Be easy, but not too easy
Cover up but still "look ****"

As a woman,
I have be threatened
I have be abused
I have be taken advantage of
I have worried about my self image

But women are more than their appearances, their disorders, their biology.
Women are powerful, independent, free-thinkers, intelligent.
Women are whatever they want to be.
Women are more than what the media says.
Women are goddesses and any hate thrown their way is just kindling to their fire.

I imagine us sitting on a dock on lake Michigan for the fourth of July, at the edge of daylight, with our toes dipped in the cold calm water where leaves drift and lay to rest.
We hum and I pull your hands to my chest in an act of patriotism to young love and being vulnerable.
Time feels still when I look into your bright green eyes, fireworks spark and reflect on your glasses in the best way.
My cheeks are red but I don't mind. I will carry this smile for the rest of my life.

My head spins
As I lay naked
On the ground
You never knew what to make of me
Truly
I am just a moving body

It's so easy to get lost
When you don't want to be found

I'm a house cat that dreams of the forest

My bones creek like the floor boards in your house
We sat on your sun-kissed couch as you unbuttoned my blouse
With my eyes closed I felt the soft warmth of your hands and lips
But opened my eyes to realize it was just your ghost

I always thought therapy was all long talks and revelations
Self discoveries and dissecting emotions
No one told me how much pain I would be in
Digging up the graves of my nightmares and sins
Panic attacks every night
Too numb to cry
Too anxious to lie
Obsessive about everything
Impulsive about nothing
I just want to be able to be at home
Without feeling completely alone
So what will it take?
What do I do?
So I can get better too

I would wrap my arms around you
and I would hold your heart whenever you need to sleep
and I would shed tears for you
and I would hug your legs to make you feel grounded again.

You are the sun peaking out on a cloudy day, the first chord, the guitar riff, the floating in calm water.
You are the breath of sharp, cool air and the smell of fresh grass, earthy mist, and cinnamon.
You are the sun as it peaks out for a moment to kiss my face and I grin. Loving you is pure bliss.

I wrote you a letter
to tell you I still love you.
You never replied.
And I am sitting at home
crying on the floor of my room.
Because the floor is cold
and it feels good on my skin.
I was stupid to think
that after all this time
I would still be on your mind.
Please baby, just talk to me
and tell me I'm not crazy
for thinking you liked me
at all

I don't want to get rid of all the things you gave me.
I'm afraid if I burn the photographs and letters
the memories will get destroyed too.
I'm too attached to my past
constantly dreaming about how I can get it back.
I haven't moved on and I don't think I can.
That's why I need to wipe the slate clean,
burn your memory from my brain.
Maybe the dreams of you will finally subside
and I can restart my life.
Right now I am stuck holding onto an idealized version of you.

People are smoking and taking Xanax as if its essential for living
Its only a blind-fold used to hide their mind from all their issues
Smoking cigarettes won't make people like you
Drinking won't heal emotional damage
But I would be lying if I said it didn't help
I would be a hypocrite for smoking a cigarette
When I am stressed
I would be a hypocrite for drinking when I feel like ****
And
For using substances to help me push out the words that get stuck in my head

The cool girl.
She smokes cigarettes, drinks whiskey and beer
She LOVES all the music you listen to
She writes sad poetry
She plays "hard to get"
She is casual
She is just damaged enough for you to feel "superior"
She ***** ****, very well
She ***** like a **** star
She is always ready and willing
She never fakes an ******
She is into all the video games you like
She only beats you once or twice
She has daddy issues
She never cries
She is the "cool girl"

I want to hold you
and lay in your bed
and pick eyelashes off your cheek
and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep
I want to talk until 2 am
about the universe
and movies that moved us to tears
I want to walk with you in the cold
and wrap my arms around you
and look at the christmas lights
I want to run inside
and jump under the covers
and fight over who has to make the tea

Let's bring back 2014
Let us rejoice
Let us rekindle the fire
Let you touch my skin
Let you fuel my desire

Lips on Lips
Kiss upon Kiss

"Let's keep things casual"
With no lack of emotion

It's my body
I want you to squeeze in

Our bodies flow like the ocean
And it is hurricane season.

I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free

You live in the city we both fell in love with
And you are onto better things
We both moved away from the hometown we fell in love in
We both moved away to ease the pain of living without each other
And living without the hurt that always followed us

I always imagined us moving there together
Walking through the city at night
Your eyes sparkle in city lights
We could have sat in coffee shops
Or on park benches
We could have written beautiful things
But you said lets leave us in the past
And I am stuck in it...

Waking up under miles of water
Panicking
Inhaling
Gasping
Anything is better than how I'm feeling
I'm hoping I will be okay
Eventually
But eventually feels too far away
I want to run
I can't help but stay

What will I do if all the time I’ve spent trying to fix myself doesn’t work out
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me
I’m in therapy
I started taking medication too
I’m worried that I’m wrong about how I feel
What if the thing I’m dealing with is much bigger
For half a year I’ve questioned myself
I thought I figured it all out
But there is doubt in the back of my mind
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel alright

There is nothing I can do
I don’t want to make any wrong moves
What if I’m wrong about all of this
And I make mistakes that are permanent
I just want to feel okay
And not want to die everyday
How do you sort through your thoughts
And figure out why you feel so stuck
On top of all this
I can’t cry anymore
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to
I wish everyday that I’ll reach my breaking point
Just to feel alive again
Finding joy in imaginary things
Feeling hurt by all the things I’m missing

A spark breeds into a roaring flame,
it screams "notice me!"
The flame exhausts itself into ashes
Burned out and drained.
Wind carries those ashes away,
and paints the pavement with their remains.

Passersby lift their chins
because its easier to ignore then it is to face facts.
Those ashes lay there as a reminder
for those whose flame is ready to ignite

There is strength in masses
but not if they are all burning (alive).