Can I be every love song written?
Or a longing lost in your heart?
Sweet melodies and
Forgotten harmonies
Are the ampersands linking my soul with yours.
Sempiternal presence and wishes,
Have you found a rocondite?
You will never be able to catch a bolide,
Nor find Yoknapatawpha.
Yet why do I feel so close to you?
A la belle étoile,
Under the beautiful star,
Maybe I wish to be held
In honest, caring arms.
Serendip will come at last,
Cicatrix will fade away.
As I slowly saxify,
Will you ever realize
Now is too late?

A pebble drops in the inky surface,
The weather driven water as if a
Brown varnish.
I am the ripples in the water,
You are the pebble that made me change.
Hold my hand,
Make me spin around once more.
Give me what I lack,
Things like
Trust,
Love,
Friendship.

Just like the ripples I am,
I am gone too soon.

Transcending tunes in
Dissonant chords--
Demons hiding in the growing mist.
There's nothing left to say,
Only too many things done wrong.

Can it be shut out?
I can't see past my hand,
Let alone past the mistakes.
You left me when I fell down.
I don't blame you,
If I had the choice, I would have left myself.

I'm giving up now,
Handing my white flag to the demons--
I surrender.
I was too late when I started.

Crisp,
Cold,
A snap.
It was not expected.
Nothing was felt as the world
Turned to rain.
All she could ask for was time.
Maybe it was a dream,
But awakening to reality,
She realized the nightmare she was living.
The world was dead.

P
R
E
T                                          Was all she did
E                                                   For the next year.
N
D
I                                    Until everything just
N                                                     BROKE
G

Bruised and broken
Yet still standing.
Throw one more punch,
You are on your knees again.
Taking a beating,
But still the fight goes on.

Fight for Truth.
Fight for Beauty.
Fight for Future.
The tormentor will lose;
Fight for You.

Drip

               Drip                    Drop
                                  D
                             R       R
                         O                I
                     P                         P
                                  J

... I wish I had an umbrella...

Almost.
Almost more than a friend.
Almost more than the moon.
Almost more than the girl sitting next to me.
Almost enough for you.

Almost felt a smile when I saw you.
Almost told you what I thought.
Almost felt tears when you walked away.
Almost.

I think I love you too much,
Or I almost do.

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,
You simply can't.

Why?
You say I have the perfect life--
From the outside, I guess I do,
No.
You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am
Scolded because
Parents are stressed out with finance,
People,
Me--
Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,
Sweet,
Little brother-- autistic--
Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.
You have never heard the heartbreaking sound
When his anxiety grows and he cries out
In his own pain:
"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?
I'm so dumb I'm so dumb
I'm
So
Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,
Their own tired selves,
Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,
Beautiful,
Talented,
Everything you feel you lack in,
Fall into the wrong crowd,
Now contemplating suicide.
You loved her the whole time,
Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,
Like they did me--
Like I didn't get enough at school,
Never being able to tell friends from fakes,
So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--
One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--
There is none here left to ask questions,
Even the simple ones like
"How are you?"

Would it be better
If I left you?
I surely couldn't have
Hurt you so much
If I was gone to start.
I wish…
Wish with all my heart to
Take the pain away,
The pain I give to you,
And all other pain too.
If only I was better,
Then I could help.
But I can't… and
All I want is for you to be happy.

Sweet,
Sincere,
You.
but at this point all I feel are tears.

Feeling in a dark brown mood today,
Alone,
In dim shadows.

I appreciate you being here,
Standing by me. Even though
I feel as though I’ve betrayed you
By trusting you with my past.

Kind,
Gentle,
You treat me with respect.
Even now, when I feel
I should be shunned and scolded.
It would make more sense if you did,
For I already feel worthless, helpless, lost
Again. Sunk in the memories...
The memories I regret every second of.

I’m sorry I was so reckless before.

I really wish I was the angel you thought I was...
Instead of ***** shattered pieces of glass littering the street.

Its hard to give up
On a love
That was never yours.

Peace, serenity, brilliant,
More calming than any breeze.
I put my trust in thy arm,
On my heart thy name a stamp.
Lead on, I follow thy steps with zeal,
And my strength thou wilt ever be.

I am your power
Unconquerable,
Inquentiable,
A moving lust
Taking over an inexhaustible dream.

I will be the last thing on your mind,
I will control every thought,
I am your desire.

But in the end I promise I will leave.
Your hubris is too much,
I could never stand against it.

You were my power
But now I am miles away.

I will never stop running from you.

Holding my hand with all the tenderness in the world,
Knowing that you love God more than anything,
Treating everyone with a greater measure of
Love and kindness than they have earned.
You put a smile on my face every time I hear your voice,
And make my heart flutter when you hold my hand.
I can feel your love for me, your desires, your heart,
I know you will treat me like a queen.
I'm glad you smiled when I screamed and said "Yes!
I want to be yours forever."
The future is bright and I find peace when I am in your arms.

She was in love with the icy night,
Crisp and cool,
Unlike the old she knew before.
Frozen,
Frosted,
Not knowing what danger she danced with
Skipping her way to feelings
That felt unreal.
Is this a dream?
As she kissed the night again,
The marble path reflecting her love's gaze.

It took a while before she realized the biting cold,
Despair in the back of her mind.
But who knows how yearns to return to the icy night,
Under the cool black sky?

I am a rose with petals falling
As soft as velvet
While a boat rocks
Back and
Forth,
Swaying to an impossibly luscious, yet a silent song.

The petals fall,
Gliding into a neat pile,
Unused but sitting worn out,
As if they were just sent cascading,
Wishing luck at a party,
A wedding,
A funeral.
The petals shiver at the thought.
It was not a good idea to think that way now.
The wind caresses the petals
And carries them far,
Far from where they were drowning in memories.
They were no longer old and forgotten.

As the wind carries them along,
The petals listens to--
And adds to--
The silent song
That everyone listens to every day
Without hearing its sweet harmonies.
That is why it is silent--
Except to the rose.
But the melody is still soft
And wanting to fade away,
Just like the rose did,
Until the wind retrieved it from invisibility.
The wind twirls the rose and the petals dance to the silent music.

When the wind is gone,
The petals fall to the floor again:
Abandoned,
Invisible,
Forgotten.
But the silent music still plays and the invisible petals dream of dancing.

I'm back to being invisible,
Head low,
Avoiding other's eyes.

I let one see me for
What I am.

(demon, monster, unnatural, hideous)

He Cared?
No.
Walked away.
Just as everyone has before,
Just as I feared he would...                     ...but promised he wouldn't...

I dared to dream,
Dared to accept,
To open.

I am invisible.
Why did I dream that I shouldn't be...

Safe is not here
With tears and snot running down my face
Down my neck
Dampening my shirt.

Safe is not here
With the person that once claimed to be
My biggest fan
In the car talking.

Safe is not here
As I try to push my thoughts away
Of the blade
On my flesh again.

Safe is not here.

I have built up a dream
That I knew I would never get to have.

And now...

I showed you who I am.
You love me more for it.
I still don't understand how...
My world was dull, for it is hard to see color
When the light goes out.

Why is this amazing dream so hard to believe?
That someone would love me for
Who I am,
Not
Who they think I am,
Or expect me to be.

Your kind smiles buoy me up,
I thrive on the kind words you speak
To me,
And long to be in your arms again,
My knight.

but now my world feels empty again, for now.
I miss you, my love.

I feel gone--
Dead by some accounts.
Lonely and abandoned I fall
Exhausted from the pain.

Pangs of emptiness
Flow through my veins.
I am diseased with
Hopelessness.

Stricken,
There is now way out.
Abandoned,
There is no way to get there.

Shade the gray light from me,
Gather my pieces.
I am fragile,
Merely breakable.
I don't want to go.

I am gone.
Hypnotized in a drunken world.
They tell me I'm sleepy,
They whisper other things.
I know what they do,
I don't trust what they say.
I trust you.
Are you the same way?

A schizophrenic feeling
Ravages my soul.
Do you exist?
Are you real?
Your smile makes me question.
I'm not worth even that.

Say a word again.
My name.
Not the name They know me by, but
Anything to make me seem real.
Tell me the wishes of my heart.

I don't want to leave,
But I'm only gone.
Destroyed by
Heartlessness.

Pounding through to the finish line,
You've finally made it through.
Not even close to last,
Right before number two.

This is the moment you were working for,
All the miles trod.
The trophy and the medal yours,
But who really won?

Was it the shoes, the miles, the clothes?
Or the stress, the drama, the despair?
Was rivalry what won?
No, these could never win.

What won were the smiles, the laughs,
The cheers, support, and popsicles,
A coach and team that love you,
Times spent working hard, and sacrifice.

So when you cross that finish line,
Remember the ones that won your win.
Reflect on all of your hard work,
And celebrate together, your gratitude within.

I'm in a dark room,
The noiseless sounds make my ears cringe in the silence,
The emptiness a pressing entity.
The surfaces are sharp and cool,
A foreign substance to this world.
The dank smell is also sharp,
Like pointed daggers to the soul.
A bitterness fills my body,
A sour savory on my tongue.
Everything is thick and sluggish,
Even the candle burned out.
Black.
And yet--
There are shadows on the wall,
Dim silhouettes.
I can see a glimmer
Shining through the broken door.
It's still hushed.
It's still bitter.
It's still empty and thick and dark.
But not so dark.

I look at my broken light and think,
"I can fix that."

I am lost.
Yet,
Something is telling me you are just like me.
Maybe
We were put in the darkness
To find each other.

The demons have got me,
Beating me black and blue.
All I want is pain,
And to end this torture.

I can no longer tell him.

I don't know if he cares,
If he ever has cared
Remotely. But his demons are winning
So I know he has no strength to
Ward off mine.

I wish I could help him,
Wish I was stronger.
Instead I surrender step by step
To the demons in my mind.
I've always had this monster in my mind...

So proud and grand the great trees stood
While in the forest green.
Their roots spread far across the ground
Carpeting the scene.
Not a one went deep for it was known
That the tallest was the king,
That was, until the torrents, winds,
The trials took the lead.
The old and young alike groaned loud,
And shouts of anger heard,
But one by one the proud trees fell
And could not rise again.
They put on a splendor but didn't remember
The deep roots made them strong.
They spent on display but to their dismay
The king of trees grows stronger than they.

So when the wind blows and trials ensue
Cling to the king of trees.
He will not waiver
But ever remember
To strengthen your roots as well.

The forest grows grand,
The king is the anchor.
When the wind now blows
There is only music in the leaves to be heard.

What is the definition of beauty?
I look at my face to see,
The eyeliner dark,
The highlights of my cheeks,
Powdered imperviously.
Mascara thick and
Lipstick bright,
I look like every girl here.

What is the definition of beauty?
Nothing can get through to me.
I don't cry:
That would ruin my placid personality.
Out in the rain I hide
Under a black umbrella,
Never wanting to dance.

What is the definition of Beauty?
No makeup can matter:
People can see I'm happy in my
Lucky lucid Eyes.
I'm never hiding behind myself,
I'm learning to enjoy who I am.
I love I laugh I'm having fun,
I dance out in that rain.
My red umbrella bouncing along as I
Jump from puddle to puddle.
Nobody can pretend I'm exactly as
The girl across the street.
I'm who I am and living it,
The difference of beauty and Beauty is in
Me.

Smiling has never been easier because I can remember how it feels to be in your arms.
And I know you are like me:
You want to have this love forever.
I am found. :)

Seconds
To decide life,
Not even recognizing it is an option.
Choosing a certain way
Isn't even a choice.
Conscious minds aren't aware of the
Struggle,
A game show where only one will win.

Make the choice before it happens.

Lost in oblivion,
A china doll waits,
Dreaming of the day
Another comes to play.
She only wants to bring smiles,
But too often breaks,
Wondering if cuts always turn to scars,
Wondering if all scars in turn fade.
But the china doll still waits,
Lost in oblivion,
Pondering the answer.

Dancing on broken glass
Is only hard
When you can still feel pain.

Disclaimer: I can still feel pain.

Safe.
That's the feeling that has made me
Fall for you.
I don't know why or
How
I trusted you,
You are different.
Making me feel that somehow
I am special
Despite myself.

He told her he was the sky,
That he owned the stars,
And the sun, his eye.
She laughed,
Smiling at his ocean eyes,
And knew that he was truthful.

Now she looks up and sees the face
Of the one she first loved.

Close your eyes,
Breathe.
Be in the moment,
Of the present,
Not past nor future.
This is the moment that matters.
This is the minute your life is.
Breathe,
All the way to your toes.
Ignore all thoughts.
If you need to think,
Do it without words.
Relax.
Things will come in time,
Lyrics of the heart will find their
Perfect chord.
Imagination will bind dreams into reality.
Forget your sorrow.
Forget your heartbreak.
Forget your stresses and cares.
Meditate.

Open your eyes,
The world is now a better place.

She feels empty...
Not being able to talk about it,
For she doesn't want to hurt anyone,
To see their expressions,
Their eyes,
Change.
Left alone to wonder,
But trying hard not to think of
The terrible things she could do to herself.
She tries to live, to smile,
Holding on,
Tired.

Just keep walking.
     Even when you can't feel your feet.
          Even though you feel you can't walk
               More.

My refuge--
The world is a blur of
Colorless colors,
A kaleidoscope of what never was.
Gray has even ceased to exist.

My refuge--
I never want to be left alone,
But that's the only way I can survive.
People aren't always human,
And they destroy whatever they touch.

My refuge--
Things are never easy,
The things should be perfect now.
Whatever I try
I can't ever do.

My refuge--
A peaceful darkness surrounds.
I would rather be here than
In the kaleidoscope.
The world makes me dizzy.

My refuge--
I'm stuck in the cold again.
Crying,
Nothing is there to reach out to.
Hand holds are too slippery.

My refuge--
I am just a problem.
A horrible human,
An ugly being.
I don't mean to make them fight.

My refuge--
It's all my fault.
I can't do things right,
I will never be good.
Silence now arrests.

My refuge--
Protect me like you always do,
Calm the storm and
Give me strength
To face the world again.

Thank you--
My refuge.

Just like burnt toast on a Saturday morning,
I am disgusted with myself.
There is no eating,
No thinking,
No breathing,
Without wanting the one thing I can't have.

I no longer want to write--
You can see right through my words,
The passion,
The spirit,
Makes those cowards shy away.

I am the coward.
Do I kick too hard when they can't move,
Or am I being beaten when I'm down?
This see-saw
Takes away my part
Before I can play the role.

You ask me--
"Why do you hate yourself?"
I can never be everything I hoped to be.

I need someone
I wouldn't be afraid to call at
Four A.M.
Because I couldn't sleep.

He would sing me to sleep,
And cherish the moment
That I cared enough to call.

Midnight comes again
And I blink away the tears
Too exhausted
To chance my needed conversation with you.

No one hears my voice.

Yes. I know.
Their ears hear and their eyes watch.
But they can't dig deeper than that.

My voice is quiet, insignificant, petite,
but my voice is strong.
And it wants to be heard.

My words don't come out right when I say them.
People twist out meanings that were never there.
They hear with ears,
but they don't listen with hearts.

I write.

The meaning is clear to see,
To understand you must look.
But to those people that take time,
My voice is heard.

No matter if there is anyone there,
These words are loud and call for change.
My voice is heard.
But not to those fools
Who slit the tongue and
Devour every good meaning
Of the voice inside of me,
leaving it dead, empty, quiet, insignificant, puny.

My voice is dead
When it is unwritten.
Yet no one really wants to take the time;
Read and listen.

No one hears my voice.

It's kind of hard to explain
The feeling you are
Trapped
In a black hole
With nowhere to go and
Seemingly no one to pull you out.
Yet others are there,
Testing their strength in the great current,
Alone in their endeavors,
Pretending they can help you,
But can't give a reason why they would.

Liars--
They create this swirling black current--
A hole in this heart.
The beat is becoming irregular
As I don't know how to trust.
It pulls me closer,
Surrendering to the depth of pain:
I've been here too long to escape.
I could become one of them--
Become the current.

Give me a reason why I shouldn't.