Every day,
Every night...
It's getting worse,
It's bad.
Maybe it just doesn't want to heal.
Maybe there are words to describe
Why this rut is here,
Why it repeats over and over.
Please just ask what is wrong,
Please let the words come without
Judging, because all this
Judging repeats over and over.
Figuring all this isn't worth it,
Figuring out that being taught this way
Takes a toll on the beauty of life,
Takes and destroys this beauty.
Going back or
Going forward?

*I just wish it was different.

Sitting,
Hiding,
In plain sight,
A mask covering my face,
The mask just below most's pool of thought.
Who am I to say
That I'm the only one
Drowning,
Struggling for breath past
Thick lies the world tell me?
Lies I believe--
Ones I tell myself.

Yet most never wonder.
Don't care that others cut,
Find escape in the pain from the shame.
I find release in this.
Most never wonder.
Dancing on their merry way,
Damning those who are called depressed,
"No consequence for us, why care?"

Ones like me,
Masks of smiles, masking pain,
The ones who were taught to believe
They were never worth loving.

Why?
Why believe the lies they tell you,
Ones that you tell yourself?

You are better than they,
If only because you understand.

Take a left at the willow tree
And picture an artist's brush
Painting colors not known to man,
Celestial images replacing the devil's handiwork.

I am learning to dance again
Even in this dreary downpour.
Rain can't deter me from
The sunshine of grace.

I will become an artist
And learn from the hand of God--
I will hold a paintbrush,
My new colors I will paint.

the numbness was overwhelming again.

pitter patter Then a CLAP!
I cover my eyes as
I'm overtaken.
The dark,
the pressing dark sinks in.
is there any peace in memories

I can't tell you everything.
                                                     ­                           But you should be able to
                                                              ­                  Tell me
                                                                ­                Anything!
No. Not this.
People see me as an annoyance anyway,
Bothersome.
Weird.
I'm sorry you met me.
                                                             ­                   Tell me.
Why?
No I can't.
You hate when I talk to you,
Honest and open,
Claiming my opinions are a product of
My childhood.
Maybe, but I think not.
You've never walked where I stood.
                                                          ­                      Please
I don't want to,
But I will.
                                                           ­                     ...
You think I react like everyone else
You know.
But I don't. I can't.
Because I feel their pain--
YOUR pain too.
I know it sounds crazy, but I know
More than I should, and feel
What never happened to me.
I'm going crazy huh?
                                                            ­                    That's it? That's stupid.
                                                        ­                        Every time you only ever
                                                           ­                     Hide...
                                  ­                                              I'm going to drink now.
I hate me...sorry you need to put up with me.

Some gone
And feeling like the girl next door,
No way to show how
I was or am.
Try too hard only to be let down easy.
Your playmate.

And as you play with my heart
I lay in the corner
Trodden over and forgotten.

Black is my heart today...

Heroes are weak.

They go around saving,
Caring,
Loving,
Protecting,
Expecting nothing.

They are exploited,
Used,
Cheated,
Hated.
Forever on their way to destroy
What will not be destroyed.

Yet they continue
In their own quite way.

I want to be weak.

I want to be the person that
Saves,
Cares,
Loves,
Protects.

I want to be the person people forget about.

I WILL be exploited, used, and cheated, but
I am STRONG.

Just like all the heroes before me.



I want to be a hero.

I feel like I don't belong here.
I can't place it--
Maybe too pure,
Maybe too evil,
Maybe too ill.
Its hard to say
When every word flung
Wildly around is a
Contradiction.
Too sensitive,
Too changeable.
The balance causes so
Much cognitive dissonance,
And the more I approach my heart,
The more it alludes me on the horizon.
Colorless,
These words ignite a
Flame
Stronger than any pigment.
I am worthless.
I am a treasure.
I am worthy.
I am pitiful.
I am beautiful.
I am a fool.
I am genius.
I am every word they say to me,
Yet I feel like
I am none.
Their icy words spoken with
Frozen hearts
Set my teeth chattering.

Nothing can protect me from this
Impeding cold.
The energy is inexhaustible.
Their ranks are numberless.
The fight goes on,
Teaching me the person I am
Is ought not to be.
Destroy the anguish
Mistaken as beauty.
They take my heart from me--
Brutally beating the bruises,
Formulaically tearing the
Gashes open with silver knives,
A gray harder than the
Silver of the moon--
Harder than the silver of my heart.
I am bruised,
Broken,
Wanting to be gone.
And they laugh at my pain.
They don't believe me when I say
I have nothing to live for.
All I need to do is to
Live up to the low bar they set,
But that's never good enough.
The words bleed out of me,
Yet they remain unsaid.
They would taunt more
If they knew their wickedness.
Sleep saves me from this endless cycle of
Torture.
Engulfed by
Vivid of imaginations of who I am,
I forget for a time
What they told me.
Meet me in this innocent state of existence,
Escaped from the pain.
I wish I knew how to
Avoid their toxic remedies
And the poisonous reminders
That they own me,
And will decide who I am.

But poets tend to exaggerate:
Tell me how it really is.

The                         a       i              r              .                     .                           .


                             CHOKING

Sticking
                                     To my lungs like

                          chewed gum                 .                   .                 .

     How do people live like this?
                                                  D R O  W  N   I    N     G

    Without a word to speak.               .              .

It's getting worse      .                .               .

                                        I'M OUT OF CONTROL.

GET A GRIP!
                               Get A Grip!
                                                     get a grip .             .                      .

Strained    .                   .                     .
                  Giving
                                  up  ­      .               .                   .

                                                         *gone            .                  .                    .

You brush aside the thought,
And the tear forming in the corner of your eye.
Lost.
Alone.
Confused.
You think of other, more harsh words to
Describe your pain caused by anguish--
******.
A sudden intake of breath makes
A soft noise in the pressing darkness.
Yes.
There is power in words you tamper with,
A power with no force,
Or selfishness or greed.
No,
These words give a concept
To what you are--

Without a place.

Concentration on the cake I was mixing
Annoyance that the doorbell rang
Frustration that security camera wasn’t working
Exasperation at who I thought was a salesman
Suprised as I pulled the door open
Confused as I stood there gazing at you
Loved as I lept into your arms
Peace.

It is much more...

Complicated. And still you believe me
When I say I'm okay.

Have you ever been told
How easy it is
For an honest person to pass
On a lie?

I know you aren't dense.

I haven't been "OK"
In my world I feel used and abused--
My trust broken by everyone.
I can't even tell you about a feeling
That makes me want to curl up in a dark room
And cry...

So boy, don't believe it when I say
I'll be fine.

Do you know what that
Life is like? That
Life that
The survivor that
Became is worth more than that
Who died? The life that
Living souls are worth more than that
Dead guy staring at you out of that
Pathetic history, that
History of survivors that
Had died so long ago that
Had somehow become more than that
Of real life? That
Somehow those people that
Didn't waste away that
Were brave enough that
Instead of pulling that
Trigger or enduring that
Pain were worth less than that
Old dead guy that
No one cares about now?

No, those that
Decided that
Their life was worth more than that
Heartache changed and that
Made them better. That
Made them see that
Their life of worth; that
Life, that
Living, that
Change is of worth. That
Made them worth more than that
Deemed genius that
Changed the world, that
Now lacks power that
Can fix the future that
The world will live in next.

These survivors have that
Which can save that
World that
They live in. They are waiting for that,
A feeling of worthiness that
Saves lives and spares futures, that
In turn colors that
Life of worth that
Everyone strives for. That
To strive for is to listen to that
Which needs to be said. That
Word spoken, that
Ear listening, that
Understanding is that
Which creates that
Survivor of that
World that
Is continuously becoming that
Place where that
Devil devours that
Good light.

That
You could be that
Survivor; that
You can change that
Your fate and that
Everyone's fate is that
Thread hanging from the ceiling that
Is about to snap, that
Others have that
Influence that
Ultimately decides if that
Thread will snap or not is that
Which is most believable. That
You could be the survivor is believable. That
Which is believable will always have that
Opposition and challenge. That
Is the way it is.

Fragile.
Breakable.
That's what I told Him I was.
And all I wanted was for Him to
Help.
Heal.
Can't He do it?
Can I let myself trust
Him
Change me from
Broken and
Bitter
To something new?
Because He suffered for me,
Understanding perfectly that
My mistakes would happen,
He is there.
Already holding my hand,
Lifting me above the thorns
To somewhere beautiful.

Promising to heal me if I let Him lead.

To trust,
Let people in,
Relationships.
That's what he said.
That psycologist with
Grey hair
Thinning,
Just like my relationships.
Lonely, hating, loathing myself,
Pain being controlled by addictions,
Shame,
My same shame increases the circles,
Addictions,
Running circles in my head--
Wanting to draw circles with a knife.
STOP THINKING.
My circles of friends growing smaller,
Isolate as the weather becomes cold,
My heart, iced, caged,
No trust, no love.
No one could love me anyway.
Right?
Wrong way thinking through this thick head
Makes it worse.
Wearing through my thin soul,
This pain, pleasure?
No. Run run away from this,
Soles of my shoes thining,
Just like the grey hair--
The psychologist's head.
Trust, love, relationships.
No shame in mistakes.
Let people in?

I always thought I never needed that.

Why won't you respond?
Why leave me now?
The silence is deafening,
Defining what makes us.
I hope you don't hate me,
I pray to God I do you right.
There is no way to measure,
No gauge to reason with.
I promise I won't be your
Pretty Girl,
Just don't leave me to the wolves.
Gnashing their horrible fangs,
Begging for the one that will be left behind.
Will I be that one?
Is there enough
Emptiness in your heart to leave me be?
Do you want to leave?
Do you think I will stop you?
My heart is breaking at this end of our
One-sided conversation.
Does it break your heart?
I want to give up.
I want to let go.
But I can't and it's because of you.
Save me before I need
Saving.
Prevent the irrepressible
Heartbreak.
Stay with me,
Even if we are only
Friends.
You made a promise.
I thought you would keep it--
Or at least I hoped you would.
You must have forgotten.
The memory must be dust.
It was too long ago,
But promises should be eternal.
I think I love you.

Are you listening?
Sorry, I didn't mean to take so much of your time.
Sorry for everything.

Lazy.
Only because I'm talking to you and eating,
Instead of doing homework.
I'd rather be talking to you
Than studying.

Last.
Not to be there, but to leave.
Even when I fall asleep you are still here,
I wish you could hold me now.

Lady.
That what you call me,
A princess.

Lack.
What I have when I am not with you.

Love.

"We're all going to fight tooth and nail to make you feel beautiful again."

People tell me who I'm suppose to be,
That isn't the genuine me,
I only show the face, the mask,
I can sculpt perfectly.

You recognized the phony
And the walls built so carefully,
How can you see, feel,
The person that is me?

All these words flying toward me,
And the lies my chi tells me,
Hurts me more, destroys,
To the point I can no longer see.

Fighting a battle in myself that has already been lost... And trying to pick up the pieces as I go.

The torment I put myself through.
Can he see it? How with his every word, every action.
I. am. the. one. to. tear. myself. apart.

long distance relationships are the pits.
i can understand that.
i lived it with you.
when will you be strong enough to really let me go..
To let me free fall and hit the pavement HARD.
It wouldn't be more damage than you've already caused me.

i blame myself for every pain you have.
i know it's my fault that you hurt yourself and then
cheated on me, to try and make yourself feel real again.

you say it didn't work. i say it's better than hanging around for me.
ill be a disappointment anyway.

Talking with the Devil,
There's a fire in his eyes,
With a voice of cold thunder
He offers me a prize.
The snake says he can take my pain from me,
Erase all the memories.
But what would I be without the times
I was not at ease?
The clever tempter acts a gentleman,
But he continues to pull me down in slippery sin.
He lies, he lies,
I try to run from him,
But the coils wrap stronger and
I can no longer see the sun.
There's no escape today
From the one who brings misery,
So I get down on bended knee
And then I pray and plead.
Get thee hence,
Get thee out,
And Satan runs away.
I am left alone for now,
Saved by the light of grace.

I feel like myself again
Smiling, happy,
My muses and music around me.
Have I ever been this confident before?
I actually want to stand out,
Stand apart,
Stand by myself in the glaring sunlight
While everyone notices or doesn't notice.
Ultimately it doesn't matter which one it is,
It matters that I am still
Standing.

Hold me tight,
My guardian,
The Angel that God sent to meet me.
Honest, gentle one,
With your warm smiles and
Caressing lips.
Will you let me have your heart forever?
Handsome Prince
The man I trust,
How can you convince me that
This isn’t a dream?

I love you.

Wisps
Of words
Drift down slowly as
She sits,
Invisible and forgotten.
Huddled,
As the world caves down on her.

Even though no one notices her,
They all point,
Stare,
And scorn.

An outcast,
Not knowing the reason why
They talk about how
"Dangerous"
She is.

Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire,
Burning her the worst,
Third degree burns to the soul.

They never realized how
Close to the edge
They pushed,
Until she jumped,
And put out the fire forever.

I stand on the corner abandoned.
This isn't what I wanted!
This isn't what I dreamed!
Wanting to collapse into a heap of despair,
I trudged on,
The tears raining down my cheeks.
I didn't do wrong,
But quiet heaves remind me of how
Ugly I feel.
I wanted something better,
So I guess I should be happy,
Abandoned by you
On the side of a busy street.

Curled up,
The brightness inside me is sick again,
Catching a cold from the words others have said,
Aching as it trembles in the
Recesses of my heart.
I try to remember your words,
Your sweet, warm, kind, loving words,
Hoping
You tell the truth,
Because I know you do.

Thank you for the words you have given me.

Every day a new struggle,
But no longer alone in the world
That was my own.
Every day a new day to
Have a friend,
Now more than
I have ever had.
Finally feeling accepted by others,
Seeing that worth wasn’t solely based upon
How I am perceived to be,
But rather how I could make a difference,
Change the world and others,
And having friends to be there, guiding me on my way,
Making me feel like I can hold the whole world,
Chase the rainbows,
Touch the sky,
Catch a shooting star,
Or lasso the moon.

And each friend has guided me on my way,
No matter how often I talked to them,
Or how close we became.

Thank you for touching the lives of so many
With your kindness and love,
You knew how to make everyone's days better
And gave the best hugs.

You always reminded me how much I am worth.

Serenity.
Soft velvet that is not comparable.
Singing, a babbling brook.
Sweet music.

Calming.
Calamities haven't happened.
Caressing, a new potential.
Carry no burden.

Peaceful.
Pleasant and sweet reminder.
Pastries melting on your tongue.
Past is lost.

Dawning.
Drawing ever near.
Deliberately wishing.
Dancing to the music.

Becoming

Elegant

Around

Upholding

Trust.

­Indescribable

Fantasy

Undeniably

Lovely.




­Longing

Openness,

Virtuous

Excitement.

Pounding feet,
Pounding head,
Running.
From everything I use to know,
No longer do I know who I am.
What I am.
What am I?
What they tell me?
In blissful ignorance,
Or a shame?
Both ugly and a disgrace
While being beautiful.
Beauty?
The cover of a magazine,
Something that makes people think more of the
Risqué
Than the lovely.

I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...

Why?
As my world falls apart,
Why does my skin crave to be
Torn apart?
Avoidance is how,
Noises I deal with,
Busy it.
Bizit,
Bull sh*.
But I don't swear.
Where is this all coming from??
I feel lost in darkness,
Blinded by a bright light,
Alone in a crowd,
Crowded in my own mind.
When will the ants crawling all over my skin leave?
I. Feel. Less. Than. Human.

Goodbye.
The hardest thing I have ever said…

I want to give this up,
My pain,
My sins,
My hopes, dreams,
Habits, wishes,
Myself.

Just get rid of it.

But I would rather give up this desire of
Destroying the person I have become.

The one who smiles,
Is funny,
And doesn't only think of herself,
Striving for harmony and balance.


Even though life gives terrible jolts.

Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.

It’s just like
Lemons.
That’s what they say the world is made of.
It is our choice to remain sour
Burdened by our mistakes, trials, sins.
Or to sugar-coat it all with our lies,
Being very good at ignoring truth we don’t like,
And have a lemon drop.
Move on, move on, move on
Past what we know is right,
Distract us from the sour and the bitter and the pain.

In this fast paced world,
There is no time for lemonade.

It’s too long to
Hand squeeze all the citrus,
Add the sugar,
Boil it, and then let it cool,
Adding ice and water
To make it less concentrated.
Perfect summer day treat.
No one but the
Old-timers have time to make it.

Good thing I am old fashioned.
I will make time to have lemonade.

Invisible...
       What am I,
    If not for you--
                         Someone to hear me through?

No--
     They can't understand
  And neither can you.
            Sometimes it is better
        Not to be remembered.

                            Deny what you said--
                      Hold these shaking hands,
                               Dry my tears,
                         Shape my heart.

        I'm sorry----
                   I'm more drama
            Than I'm worth in reality.

What is value?
Something you feel? Touch? Show?
I don’t feel my value tonight
As you betray my words and
Misdirected my meanings.
Why trust anymore?
It always breaks...
Everyone has broken that fragile trust of mine
That I spend so much time keeping together.
I don’t feel welcome here.

I want to tell you what I'm doing right now,
I miss the feeling you give me when you are around,
And how you understand me better
Than everyone else.
I want to tell you my
Mysteries,
Secrets I can't bear to
Hold on to any longer.
The dark threads of memory are slipping
From my clammy grasp.
I want to give you every poem,
So you could see my brokenness,
So you could teach me how to cope with pain.
I just don't want to spoil this feeling:
A blossoming friendship
In the heart of a rose.

I want to tell you,
But I won't.

Don't get me wrong--
I trust you.
I know you could hold a secret,
Treasure my heart.
I've already fallen for that.
Maybe it's me I need to trust more.
Maybe if I loved myself,
I would have a greater urge
To run to you,
To hide those precious moments,
So we could remember them together.
I don't think I've been in love before,
Somehow this is different
Than the other times I felt my heart
Find another friend.
Maybe you don't understand,
I know I don't,
But teach me how to get through this,
Teach me how to find love.

My words are running out...

Daunting.
An empty page--
It spells out my name,
Calling on me--
Nagging--
It pushes me
To build a new castle--
Find a new kingly knight.
But I would want to go back.
It was simpler
When the old pages were full--
When I knew what to expect.
I don't want new adventures--
I love the old ones with
My blood pounding,
Head spinning,
Heart breaking.
I would rather fall with my broken wings
Than learn to walk with my broken soul.
But--
It gradually fills--
Life, like a journey on this empty page
Brings us back to the beginning.

I am full once more
But just as broken as before.