It is hard
To write
When all the words I want to say
Are scrambled up inside
Poems about love and betrayal.  
It just seems so overused
But no matter what
It is hard
To write
Anything other then about that.

From your lips
Poetry never sounded so good
Rolled off your tongue
And into the air
And I breathed it in
A high like no other
From just words

She loved him.
She loved him well.
But it was like playing cat and mouse
Cause no matter how hard she tried
He always had someone else.

The promise I said
Escaped
And evaporated into thin air
I looked into your eyes
And smiled and said I would never break it
But when you left
It broke
I promise I will never break promises
I said another one
And knew in my head
I would break it next

What did I do?
What did I say?  
Why are you so heartless?
How did I upset you?  
Why don't you care?

I got something to ask
For you only, darling
My brown eyed bear
My love of all loves

Will you miss me when the world gets dark?
Will you kiss me even when I am old?
Will you love me through the pain?

I have a question for you
My sun and my world
My air and my ocean

Will you be my rock and will you let me be yours?
Can I be the smile on your cheeks?
Or the pep in your step?
Can I be the reason for your laugh and the reason for your happiness?

Can I be yours?

Alone in the silent light
I sit
So quiet
It almost hurts the ears
A whisper
Sounds like a yell
And things in the walls seem to move
Creaking and groaning
As if some lurked
Within the books
I called my home.

A creak in the floor
Chills cover my skin
Once thought I was alone
Not anymore
Checking all corners
Not a single soul
But then the ceiling creaks
Telling me
This is not just my home
The books hold stories
Not only held by me
It is odd
How in the silence
You really hear
The oddly creaks

Guilty
A sinner
But that is what I am naturally
I will take this road
And see where it goes
And if it leads me to you
Then it is so
But I will not drag you along
For I love you so
And I will not cry anymore
For I am crying
Of what I did to you
And I don't want to cry anymore

I am not perfect.
I never have been.
I am ****** up
But don't talk to me if it hurts
Don't talk to me for an answer
Cause I have none.
I don't have a answer.
And I don't have a soul

I can touch you
And feel you
I can hear you
And see you
This is real
But why do you feel like an Angel.  
Too perfect to be real.

I colored myself red
For every lie you told
Out your sweet warm lips
I colored myself red
For every time you ignored me for another girl
For every sweet bliss you whispered to me.
As your hand found it's way under my shirt
I know I should forget
But you stole my heart
And the only way for me to feel again
Is to color myself red
With my own blood
That you tainted with your fake love.

I don't regret a thing I have done
And I have done a lot of questionable things
But I don't regret a thing
With regret comes worry
And when you don't regret it.  
You don't worry
And boy.  Do I feel at ease.

Remember when we were innocent
When accidents didn't matter
When we didn't have bills
We didn't know what death is
Or what a broken heart really feels like
Remember then?

Ring on my finger
That stated our love
But love thou forever
I shall not
Manipulating manipulating
As years went by
Lying and cheating
Where were you that night?
Swore forever
We sure did
But vows meant nothing
If you couldnt stay in just my bed.
Packing to leave
Saying goodbye
But oh how you cry
Saying you shall die tonight
Love me forever
You shall can't
You don't get another chance

Secrets, Secrets under my skin
And you act like you know where I have been
Lies, lies you think your right
But you can tell your lies with all your might
No one will believe you because you lie through the night.
Rumors, Rumors about what I may have did.
Everyone believes them and it spreads like sins
Secrets, secrets tell me what you said
For everyone believes I messed with him when I never did
Liar, Liar you know what you did
Don't act all innocent for what you said.
Karma will get you in the end
You are too full of sin.

Images play faster then the sky
On the child's face
Age of almost 5
It was so easy to get lost in the screen.  
The child didn't even notice scenes change or where they were even going
It was easier then dealing with a crying child.  
So they handed the screen to the child of just 5.
So they didn't have to be the parents that they signed up for.

"I'll keep you my ***** little secret. "
-The All-American Rejects.  2009

He is my ***** little secret.  But the best secret for me.  

The cuts are not for attention
They are a cry for help
But you would never care
You were too self absorbed
To see me self destructing

I'm a self destructive mess.
Putting myself down
Starving myself
Because when I see myself
I feel I am not good enough
You shouldn't love me
You shouldn't care.
You shouldn't be near me
Because I am self destructive
And I will hurt you
In the process
Of hurting myself
I know I scare you
With all the things
I think badly about myself
But I didn't tell you to love me
But maybe
You can help me fix myself
Because I am a self destructive mess
And so are you
I guess that is why we work together
So perfectly

The ACT
Filling out forms
Apply to colleges
     Not accepted
Apply again
     Not accepted
Keep your grades up
Your happiness doesn't matter as long as your GPA is high.
Work on homework
Don't tell anyone how you wanna die
Scholarships.
Graduation
Where do I go after that?
Keep your grades up.
You never need to smile
Because all that matters in life is that you have money.
Right?

Sensitive mind to all the pain.  
Words dig in like knifes and leave my body to bleed
Tears flow like evening rain
Never to stop
I never asked to become sensitive to words you say.  
But I never asked for you to bully me this way.  
Pushed this way and that.  
And used as a mat.  
I can only take so many wounds to myself.  
From your words.  
And how you treat me.  
Before I break into a million prices.  
And no one can ever fix me.

Separated by a wall
No talking to each other
Won't open their heart to the other
Walls built from the heart break of others.  
Wishes said and never answered
Just for some communication and not so many secrets
They won't open their heart to me.  
And it hurts to know they are hiding things
But I am nice and I am trustworthy.  
No jealously will come from me
So games begin of pretending to not notice
As my walls have fell down
But theirs have not
I wish on a star for their walls to fall down
Cause even when we are touching
It feels like touching nothing.

What is tho smile?
And why shine so bright?
You are a flower
In a field of thorns
But you shine so bright
Giving off so much beauty
I can't help
But take the thorns for you
So you can grow straight out to the sky

Jewellery and trinkets
Are nothing compared to your hug
Even though
I love a shiny thing
It doesn't matter
When I have your love
Gift or not
I love you deeply
Even if we have neither a penny to our name

The past doesn't define what we are
Unless you let it
Scars run through my heart and soul
But I couldn't be happier
For they don't hold my happiness
I do
I run the show that is my life
No negativity will define me
So say your words
Act so tough
But sorry sir
I direct this show and you are only a background actor.

Keep things to yourself
And keep your mouth shut before you hurt others and yourself.

I keep reading
The words you wrote
The heart break is felt
In every note

I ****** you over
A heartless siren I am
I will never forgive myself
For not being able
To love you back.

It has been a bit
Since I thought of you
But once you entered my brain
I can't seem to get you out
It almost seems like you never left
3 years ago.

Heart beating fast
Afraid I might miss a beat
Slowly closing eyes
Feeling sleep deprived
But I can't close them
Not for one second
I might miss something
Sleep calling and darkness comes in.
But sleep can wait
Because life doesn't wait for me.

Let me smash
Let me smash
Let me have a slice of that ***.

I want to smile
A real smile
Not the fake ones
I put on every day
I want to smile
But I can't
I can't be happy
When there is nothing
To be happy about
A smile seems to hard to do
When all you can think about is
Unhappiness

Confused and dark
Time slipping away with every blink
Holding my head trying to find reality
But there is you
My reminder this is real
This feeling will fade
With the confidence it brings
Anxiety and depression with the waves
I panic
Is this real?
The smoke and the high?
Me kissing your lips and savoring the sweet.  
I touch your chest
This doesn't feel real
But it will fade
But, god did I get lucky to have you
Through the smoke and the high

You don't see how perfect you are
How your staring effects me
How when I am in your arms
I can't help
But want to stay there
I can't tell you how I feel
So I put it in poems like this
I want to hold your hand
But sometimes you don't hold back
I want to talk to you
But next to you
I feel not good enough
I want to hold your hand every two seconds
But I feel like it is too much
Like it might push you away
I want to tell you so much
But something is holding me back
And it is just me

Don't be sorry anymore.
You taught me something
I will never forget.
That love lasts forever
Even after one forgets.
Isn't that pretty?
You should be proud.
Never be sorry
You don't deserve it.

What is this feeling?  
I can't describe it and I haven't ever felt it before.  
It is like I am upside down but right side up.
Everything hurts but heals
I want to cry and laugh at the same time.  
I love me but hate me
What is this feeling?  
It is almost like I am conflicted on everything.  
What is this feeling?

I closed it all
My eyes
My mouth
I closed out everyone
I took a deep breath
And opened my heart
Made a wish
On one little star
I opened my eyes
Hoping it came true
But all I saw
Was one little star
And I was me
In a world where
Nothing you dreamed of ever came true.

I don't know why
I did what I did
I guess I listened
And did what people told me to do
Instead of what I wanted
And that was you
It has always been you
And I am glad you stayed
So I could steal you back.

I think it is time to set down the phone
Set down the poetry
and take a step back.
Cause what I am reading
Is only hurting me

I was told your soul would have left in three days
But sometimes it feels like you are still here
Looking at me
Smiling
As if you never left
That day in 2016

Stress riddled into my veins
A drug leaving my head in the clouds
No one cares about your stress
Just study for the tests.
3 in one day
What a gift
Stress in my veins
But it takes a lot to **** me.

The cuts stung as we held hands.
The hot car made us sweat
Burning my cuts
But I stayed quiet
You knew they were there
I could see it in your eyes
But I couldn't tell you why
You thought it was your fault
So I promised to stop
But I broke it
Cause you were never the reason why.

I wonder what dying feels like.  
Right after the pain is it quiet?  
Will it stop me from hating myself?  
Is it a fresh start?  
I just wish I could have the strength to jump.  
Instead I just walk around.  
Hating who I am
And hoping for a better day that may never come.

It was hot.
Very hot and sudden.  
My skin on fire
Sweat covering me
I am not mad.  
I am not sick
Just another heat flash
To make sleeping harder on me
A hundred degrees on only my skin.
It almost makes hell sound sweet by what is happening to me.

The smell wraps its warm arms around you
Drags you down with promises of forever
His smell.
His touch.
He drags you down with sweet whispers
He wants you
Only you
The smell wraps around you
The smell of promises
The smell of him
As you slip on his jacket.
To go see him
When you know.
The jacket promises forever,
But he promises nothing

We are not friends
We are nothing
But you can't seem to take the hint
That I don't like you
You did me *****
You threw me to the dogs
But you seem to think
I still like your guts
Coming over
Spreading lies
Acting like everything is alright
Sorry chicky
But you are just as ugly in and out
I don't give second chances
You had your chance
I am doing better now
So get the hint.

Taking a break
Is that what we are doing?
I don't know
I guess we are
But I don't know if I can go back
But you seem to know
I may not return
Into your loving arms
Other then a friend
Anymore

My young arms held around him tight.  
I couldn't say what was wrong.  
I was raised that being weak was stupid and to always be strong.  
So I held him tight.  
Wanting to cry but not going too.  
All the issues going on.  
Sometimes I wish I could bury myself.  
But there in his arms I felt safe.  
Like my mother's arms before old age came and took away her mind to never land.  
I hadn't felt this way in a long time.  
Secure
Wanted
I held him tight.  
He didn't say anything.  Just stayed with me.  
And with that.  
I let out my first tear in years.

I sat in my car
Wanting to leave
But just for a minute
I put on a song to make me cry
And I shed a tear
A stupid tear
For moving forward
For not being the person
You wanted me to be
So I cried
And let my tears match the rain
Pattering on my windshield.

I am gonna be someone
One day
Make someone truly happy
As they do me
I am just testing the waters
Seeing where I belong
Cause girl
I have done ****** up
Already enough

I took the leap into the unknown not knowing where it went.  
I am hurt and I am lost
But I am hoping someone will catch me
Or at least there will be water.