For a smile
is masked on her face
Concealing the grief
that is pouring out of her.

Sometimes,
I don't need your advices.
I don't need you to tell me
sunshine and rainbows.
I don't always need you
to tell me the positive side
and what's better.

Sometimes I just want you understand
my pain as it is - raw and painful.
I just need you to acknowledge my pain
for what it is
and let me feel it.

Because sometimes,
all I need is
an understanding heart
patient ear
and support to hold onto.

Beauty for me was measured by numbers and shade. The shade of my skin. The number on the scale, the size tag on the shirt, the number of compliments and the number of likes. Social status was defined by the number of followers. And I myself defined through the eyes of others and opinions. But beauty was so much more. It wasn’t all about being beautiful. It is about the words you speak. It is about what you read and watch. It is the cerebral stimulating conversations you hold. It is the way you burn heart with brilliance and engulf heart with compassion. It is the sweetness in your laughter and the humor in your quirkiness. It is the things you stand up for and the things you love. It is the way you are random and weird. It is the way you sow your own garden and give flowers to yourself and others. It is the way you lose yourself in your passions and the way you’re so driven to your goals. It’s all the intricacies of your heart, mind and soul. For there is beauty in all the little things that made you, you. Most of all there is beauty in the way you see, love and care for yourself, because all along you never needed to convince anyone or fit in to the words written to be beautiful. And accepting yourself for the person you are is the most empowering and beautiful thing you can do.

“For once I want you to think about me” she said weepingly, almost like an urge, a plea. Her skin glistered where the tears touched her skin. “For once I want you to care about me” every word manifesting more emotion than the one before. “I want you to think about me while I talk to you. I want your undivided attention. I want your wholehearted love. Please, just for once, just for a while I need you completely to me.“

“I fall in love with words, so how could I not fall in love with yours? How could I not fall in love with the beautifully weaved lies? How could I not fall in love with the words that flowed like melody and phrased like lyrics holding emotional depth? How could I not fall in love with the perfect illusion of the love you had? How could I not fall in love with image of how beautiful I was by the compliments you sent my way?”

Frozen memories start to melt,
allowing my past to be relived all over again.
Then comes the wave in motion,
drowning me in my emotion.

I didn't realize,
how easily I believed you
and let you break me.

You convinced me,
my beauty was ugly,
my strengths were my weakness,
my pride was my shame
and that I was inferior.

You made me believe,
a reality which was hurting me,
and I accepted what you made
me believe.

“The world is hurting” she said as she turned the globe around it’s axis, softly touching the dented countries in bloodshed. “Anguished souls, anguishing; bullied, bullying ;victims, victimizing; deceived, deceiving. Hurt people, hurting people. A tradition passed from generation to generation, raging violence and fueling feuds. Spreading disparity and singing the melancholy anthem. Scarring and withering the beauty of innocence in this world from a young age. A war of violence that seems to sear subtly and evidently in every corner of the world.  It’s a cycle that never seem to revolutionize for the better, but revolve - never transpiring.”

Her demons,
wiped away her fear
as they made her fall in love with them
and dance with them
when the only comfort in her
loneliness was them.

2017 -
The year that broke some more illusions
The year that invited some more people
But also drove away some people.

A year of juxtaposition and contradiction
A year of memories and lessons
like any other year; just different.

2018 -
The clock strikes 12 and you enter
as the person who changed over the 365 days
and embrace the ride of highs to memories
and lows to lessons in the coming 365 days.
But you know it is just a change in number
even though it feels like an end to something
heart breaking and soul shaking
and the beginning of something different and beautiful.

Sometimes,
we are scared of letting someone in
because we don't want to entangle them in our chaos.

Sometimes,
we fear to reach out for the hand of others
while we are drowning
because we don't want to pull them in.

Sometimes,
we are scared to cling on to the hearts of others,
because we don't want to leave them scarred.

Sometimes,
we scarred to get close,
because we will push them away
and it is just unfair.

Sometimes,
we are so willing to be destroyed
by the pain within us, than to destroy anyone else.

I fell for you like an autumn leaf,
but you never really admired me.
You just went all over me,
Crunch crunch crunch.

Now I am the flower of the spring,
and here you are.

But it’s too late
For the season has changed.
I am no longer falling,
but blooming

Love yourself,
so you can love others better.

Trust yourself,
so you trust others better.

Take care of yourself,
so you can take care of others better.

Be kind to yourself,
so you can be the same towards others.

Do it for yourself,
because self less
without self
just leaves you with less.

She offers them a rose
and some quiet prose.

Why do we keep holding on when all we do is magnify one other flaws; have our words act taws and have our unsupportive attitude act like claws dragging one another down? Why do keep holding on when it is no longer authentic? Are we really that scared of letting go of familiarity and embracing the unknown? Because we both know it feels wrong and that there is someone better for us. Do we just have to be strong? Because It hurts to admit there is someone better out there for us, all along.
There is someone with whom we’ll click, mind and heart; just connect with and accept. A connection that is greater than the constellation drawn and electricity itself. Compassion that is greater than the depth of ocean itself. Did we mistake falling for one another because we fell in love moment, and kept holding on just to feel alright? Is that why we are afraid to leave, because we are scared to be lonely and not alright?

Do you not realize
she left even though she still loved you?
She doesn't message anymore
because she fears
to be hurt at your hands
and broken by your words.

Some people are a part of your history
but not a part of your destiny.

Mind block feels like a curse,
for it is an empty purse of ideas.
Because as an artist,
you are broke.

You are alive at night,
dancing in my dreams.
For our love thrives in my heart,
when it's dead in reality.

“No, You don’t know me” she said wiping the grin off his face. “You can’t say I am a nice person when you don’t know me. You don’t know about how I find darkness alluring. You don’t know of all the terrible things I’ve thought of to hurt people. You don’t know of my intentions or the moments I am manipulative, cold-hearted *****. I am not saying I am fake either; I am soft, kind hearted person who does care. But you don’t know of the darkness that exists within me. The darkness that I find so alluring that it drives me into doing insane hurtful things to myself and the people around me.” He stood still, not even flinching a muscle. “You scare me because of your positivity, hopes and dreams. They are are so fragile, bright and innocent that I am scared to break them. I am scared to drown you in depths of negativity and darkness. I am allured to the darkness in people because it’s darkness enwrapping darkness; comforting and understanding. With you, I feel the need to enclose the darkness within myself because I fear what it might do to you. I am a terrible person at times and you don’t want to be near me during those days because I will not give a **** about anyone and I will end up hurting you. So no I am not a nice person, I wish I was.”

“A cycle that cannot be broken by itself, but by love” he said as he painted flowers on top of the countries masked in blood. “Choosing forgiveness instead of revenge. Meeting grimace with a smile. A pattern passed from generation to generation, a chain that can be broken when anger is met with contempt, cruelty with kindness, bitterness with sweetness. For love is the healer and love is the weapon.”

An act of care,
a word of kindness,  
a shed of attention
and I am all ready
to flow love into your heart,
secrets into your ears,
letting you wander in
to my mind and heart
trusting you with all what I got.

Her pain dissolves into fear,
her hurt dissolves into anger
and bitterness seeps through cracks
in her clenched fists
as she expels her anger
upon others.

She is hurting,
her anger swells
as she dwells
even when she knows
she should not,
but oh well.

Regret is what follows,
after pain is swallowed -
the consequences of her action.

She wants someone to listen,
yet does not tell anyone.
She wants to be helped,
but accepts no one's hand.

“Darling, I know you want someone to care. I know you want someone to love you the days you don’t love yourself; believe in you the days you don’t believe in yourself. I know you don’t want to feel alone, weak and broken. I know you want someone to go out of their way to show they love and care for you even in the subtlest of ways.
But darling, until that person comes in your life, I want you to care about your happiness. I don't want you to let your happiness be dependent on the people who make you taste sadness. I want you to care about yourself when no one does. I want you to do all that you hope one day someone does for you, yourself. I want you to indulge in all what you love. Indulge in all that enriches your mind; brings love to your heart and brings happiness to your soul. I want you to make plans, go out and have fun for yourself. Because, you my dear are the moon and the sun of your world. You deserve happiness and care even when none are willing to give. You don't need a hand to hold, even when the night gets cold because you've got the fire in your soul. The beat of your heart is enough to keep you going. You are always enough to keep yourself happy, cared about and successful.
And even if you ever to meet that person, I always want you to remember to keep loving and caring about yourself.”

- excerpt from an open letter

A web of thoughts in my mind
Coursing emotions in my veins;
Leave me indecisive about the action to take.

I try to find a balance
only to discover myself in a tug of war
between the impulsive-fragile heart
and logical brain.

Doubt, chaos and fear
Overpower certitude, tranquility and confidence
Leaving me feeling ambivalent
about my thoughts and emotions
that overplay and overstay.

Because
If I don't act in accordance to my mind,
I face consequences.
If I don't abide by my heart,
I remorse.
If proven wrong,
I criticize myself.

For her mind whispers
to her soul to end
itself.

Talking about others,
trying to invoke jealousy
in hearts of one another
To see if we still care.

Ideas,
thoughts,
flood to and fro in my mind,
but none pour
out of my pen.
For these words are stuck,
stumbling,
rushing,
flying,
around in my head.

Word by word
Page by page
She was only a few chapters in
But she was already in love.

I wanted you to stay
and not to be scared away.

Just tell me you would still be my friend
if I ever where to go batty, loony
weird, crazy or delirious.

Tell me you would still be by my side
if I were to send hour long of voice notes,
text messages dictating stories
and emotions flowing out like a waterfall.

Tell me you would still care
if I were to become a extra version of myself,
feeling more sensitive and deep than my usual self.

Tell me you you wouldn’t judge me by your eyes,
rumor me away by your tongue.

I wanted you to tell me,
and actually mean it.

My feelings live on,
because of the memories.
I keep feeding them,
by constantly replaying it in my mind.
You are alive within me.
because of the fragments of memories
I made you from.
You are alive within me,
because I kept you unintentionally
and intentionally.

She found herself painting her pain away
and writing her heartache away.
She escaped all the ones who hurt her,
creating an extension from pain to painting
and far more.
She transfigured all the betrayals,
broken trusts, hurt
into stepping steps.
Indulging in her passions,
she found escape.
Letting her to be swayed by the pain
than to be drowned in it.

I learnt everything is temporary; moments, feelings and people. I learnt everything happens for a reason. I learnt there is power in my losses and power in my wins. I learnt how everything is in a pair of two, memories and lessons; love and pain. I learnt it’s about letting yourself feel the pain and to express it. It’s about finding the ones who are worth suffering for. I learnt the value of kindness, softness and vulnerability and how the world tries to **** you of it. This year was of hurting bad but, living good as well. It was another year of making friends out of strangers and strangers out of friends. This year taught me so much about caring and standing up for myself. About forgiving, healing and growing from it. So here’s to another year of focusing on warm energy and surrounding myself with people who compliment it. Here’s to the inhalation of the point I’ve reached and soaking in it’s happiness. Here’s to new opportunities, new experiences and a new year.