I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one I swore I wouldn't do
Not so easy to blame me
Now that the cuts are on my arms

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one you gave him credit for
Not so easy is it?
Now that he's back and afraid

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes him call me
Not just to talk about nothing
Now that I'm dying he wants to hear me

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes me cry in the shower
Not just because I'm sad
Now that I know I have nothing to cry for

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that you hate so much
Not just because I'm off
Now I'm your problem to

When it takes everything in me not to hold a gun to my head just for fun. Not for serious because the temptation would be too real. But just for fun. Nights like these are as close to therapy as I'll ever get. Only because I didn't do it

I'm ****** up today
The feeling of you is clanging around in my chest
It's not just lingering anymore
It feels too heavy
I'm swimming in an ocean of lost chances
And loving you is a lead weight
That's sinking me to the bottom
I smoked all evening
The smell of cigarettes and despair follows me through the hallways
It isn't deterred by closed doors or sweet-smelling perfume
I'm ****** up today
And you aren't here to see it

*The Suicide Diaries

When I get low I get way down
Everyone's around
But this feels like a ghost town
I want to scream but I can't make a sound
I wish I could stay but I'm floating away now

I want to be alone
But I don't want you to go
There are words I can't say but I want you to know
I want you to stay but I'm going so low

You knew
Last night when I didn't
Sleep in your bed
That I'm leaving you

I could love you so easily
But most likely temporarily
Because of who I am
Please keep me
Please keep me.

There are so many lines in this world
Pick the one that lasts forever
Not the one that lasts a night
Or a week
Or a year

I want you to keep me
I'll stay for you
I will

I thought the nightmare
Was about him
But actually
It was about me

You see

Broken ceramic plates
And
Cracked porcelain dolls
And
Glass shards scattered on table-tops
Cannot
Describe how incomplete I feel.

I need something tonight
Something that isn't gentle.
I need teeth leaving marks on my flesh.
A hand pulling my hair.
I need a wall against my back.
Arms to lift me, bend me, control me.
I need to battle.
To hurt.
I need someone to moan in my ear.
To scream.
I need bruises and aches.
I need to wake up tomorrow hurting.
To see the evidence of beautiful violent passion.
I need to be painted black and blue.
I need to feel.
Oh God I need to feel.

Even though I don't remember the next morning
I know it reaked of violation and filth
The taste of my own tears lingered
Until the next day mid afternoon
Right before the sunset
Right after everyone let me be
If only for a moment

The morning after
When I woke up to a hostile sun
I screamed until my lungs were dry
And cried until my tears covered the kitchen linoleum
I ruined a new pair of clothes
And ripped out a few dozen stands of hair
Just because your fingers may have grazed them

In the shower I boiled the skin off my back
And tried to breathe water
Just to get the taste of you
Out of my eyes
I must've washed you off of me
At least a dozen times over
But I couldn't rinse the space behind my eyes
Where you left the most of yourself
Invasive and volatile

I had to tell my daddy
What happened to his baby girl
And watch him ache to break down your door
And straight into your chest
To take your heart
As some sort of payment
For what you've done
I watched my mother cry
And my sister cry
With pain that was never theirs to carry

And so each morning I wake up
To the memory of what you did
When I had just been out for a little fun
With sweet drinks that didn't taste like poison
Until you made them that way
When you touched me
When you had no right to do so
And I wonder if there's anything that I could have done differently

Since then every day
You **** me again
When I can't look someone in the eyes
Because I don't want to see their pity
Or their judgement, their doubt
When I'm scrutinized in the streets
Or my name is whispered
Behind a closed door
Or is screamed in my face that it was my fault
That it isn't an excuse

I'd rather die than face it
But I fear for my daughter
So I stay
To watch her
Protect her from my own fate
And shake quietly when I'm alone at night
Knowing you're loose
Waiting for someone to bring me some justice
To put you away
Leave you lying in a shallow grave
Anything to give me security again

But I have none
Because I have been robbed
And I smile to counteract it
And everyone tip-toes around the subject
Like it's a sleeping bear
That will maul them if they stir it up
But it's not an animal
It's something that happened to me
And everyone is so afraid of it

I had to be strong
But I'm afraid too
Afraid that it might never scab over
And become a scar
Because scars fade
But wounds bleed
And I am wounded
And every morning in the shower the blood drips from my ears
And leaks down the drain
When I have to look at MY body
That YOU used
And try to remember that I am strong
And that you haven't beaten me
Then wonder if that's really true

I have to make it true.

Externally we're a fortress
Built on a mountain conceived of pride
Fearlessly we shine when hit by the sun's ray
But our foundation is made of porcelain
Our walls of glass
We are breakable, dangerously so
Everyday we crumble a bit more
Under the weight of ourselves
The very matter we're made of
Slipping further from the mountaintop
Yet you would never know from the way we look at a distance
Stunning and unobtainable
It's only when you come closer
When you bother to step inside our walls
And hear to the crunch of your footsteps
In our darkest places where all you can do is listen
Can you begin to grasp just how fragile we really are
So do not let us deceive you into thinking you aren't allowed inside
For every fortress was created so that it's beauty could be admired
Inside and out

I hid myself
In your sadness
So I would never
Have to admit to
My own  

I feel your heartbeat in my chest
                                  I still see you
                                           When I look in the mirror
                    You echo in my eyes

                       The definition of me
         Shows your name
             In bold print
Right beside the word “love”
  That comes after the word “lost”
         My wrists are tattooed
    With invisible scars
  Lines that you
      Left there every time you cut yours
  Every other breath
  That enters or exits my lungs
  Belongs to you
  Because it should have been yours
  As you sat beside me
    Telling me stories
              And kissing my ears
                                                Thank you
                         For being a lifetime’s worth
               Of warm hugs
And “I’m sorrys”
And “Stop worrying and go to sleeps”
For showing me
What it means to live
Watching something beautiful
Wilt and die
Because the beauty of every moment
Somehow tastes
So much sweeter now

*The Suicide Diaries

I dreamt of you last night
With your long hair
And your crooked smile
I asked you when you lost hope
When you stopped believing that I love you
You never gave me an answer
You just kissed my lips
And stroked my hair
Just like you used to
Then disappeared
When I opened my eyes
I wasn't in your bed
Or wrapped in your arms
He was breathing slowly
Into the crook of my neck
And it felt wrong
But it felt right
And I just wanted you to know
That I miss you
And I love you still
But I'm not a child any longer
I don't want to play with you anymore
I'll let you go
To find better things
To forget me
And how I taste
The sounds I make when I sleep
The shudders I offered
When you kissed my neck
Just never stop believing
That I love you
Because I do
I promise you I do

I traced the lines of your tattoos
While we drank wine in the living room
Mixed cigarette smoke with my perfume
We had no one else and nothing to lose

Winter comes and there you are
Coming to thaw my cold, cold heart
Warmer days kept us apart
But snow would fall and a fire would start
  
Fingertips on tattered keys
We were Gods in a world we'd never see
Painting a picture of intimacy
You made art out of little old me

Years went by that I spent waitin’
For you to be in our bed again
I checked in everyday back then
Sometimes you'd stop by but I'd never know when

The word Boston tastes like you now
I'd like to forget it but I don't know how
I remember painting the front room of our house
And making love to you when you tried to walk out

Come run your fingers through my hair
We can stay in bed all day in our underwear
Our house feels empty without you there
I still hear your footsteps coming up the stairs

I try my best not to think about us
Or how you used to get so jealous
Our story is old and covered in dust
But I promise to remember you every Christmas

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I ache for you
In the night I burn for you
And my fingers try to replace you
My lips tight over my teeth
I scream when I can breathe again

I call for you
In the evening when I get home
And my key still doesn't work right
My hands shaking
I scream when silence is what welcomes me

I wake up for you
In the morning when I'm making coffee
And I wish I hadn't woken up
My mind drifting to dark places
I scream when I find my heart still beating

I stay whole for you
In the moments when the foundation is cracking
And the sink is leaking
My wallet too small to fix what's wrong
I scream when everything remains broken

I live for you
In the desolate hole of our home
And I wish that I didn't
My heart broken
I scream when I know that's what you want

I scream

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I search for you
My eyes scan crowds
Until I catch a glimpse of black hair
My breath catches
And my tongue finds my cheek

I search for you
When my phone rings
The ringtone I don't have
Still plays in my mind
I hear you

I search for you
When I make inside jokes
Waiting for someone to laugh
The flicker of recognition
That flashed in your eyes

I search for you
When I touch him
And his breath tickles my neck
His eyes scan my nakedness
I nearly call out your name

I search for you
When I look in the mirror
And I don't recognize myself
I am no longer beautiful
The way you described in scribbled letters

I search for you
In my dreams
I beg for you to stay
Then you smile and leave me
Did you smile when you died?

I search for you
Every breath that I take
I feel your heartbeat
In my chest
You owned me, and I owned you

I search for you

It still hurts
Missing you
Even though I can have you
At a moments notice
Fingertips on cool glass
You'd be happy to hear from me
This time of year
When we were together most
You were on break
I was inside
But it isn't the same
It just isn't
And I can't surpass the differences in between

I'm trying so hard to love you
I'm sorry that it isn't effortless anymore
I've changed
Things Change
It isn't your fault, Love
I just tend to stray
Searching for whoever I think is out there
Who will save me from this life
Who will save me from myself
Someone who isn't you
Isn't him
Isn't anyone
At least, not around here
*I'm sorry that I don't love you

If I told anyone
That I was feeling down today
They would tell me to hush
And that it will be okay
The same thing that I used to say
When I didn't know that sadness
Didn't simply fade away

Somewhere out there
Or very close
There's someone somewhere
There has to be, I suppose
Who understands
Who really knows
How quickly sadness comes
And how slowly it goes

If they're reading this right now
I really wish that someway
That somehow
They'd stop
As the world continued around
To come and hold me
Without making a sound

Just to lie with me for a moment or two
So that I won't be alone
As this storm blows through
And I feel as if,
This is all they'd have to do
So tell me darling,
Is this person you?

I swore that I was never going to do this again.
I was never going to have another sleepless night
Staying up convincing someone to live
When I could have been sleeping,
Or reading,
Or dreaming.
When I could have been doing anything but that.
I swore I was never going to play
The Sleeping Or Dead game
With another person I care about.
No more driving around at one in the morning
Tapping on windows to make sure
Someone was still breathing.
I swore I was never going to do any of it again,
But here I am.
I tell myself to stay away.
Not to get involved if I see it.
I swore that I would never care again.
That I would never try again.
Never would I feel the pain of loss again
Yet Here I Am
Living in this moment,
While you're slowly dying

*The Suicide Diaries

Even When
My lingerie is
Scattered across the floor
And there are
Rope burns on both my wrists
I am not as tied down
               As I was when there was nothing
                                             Holding me


I can't get away from it

My feet are freezing
And my hands are shaking
And the future is suddenly incredibly unclear

But then I think of us
And the way you smile at me
And the way it feels when you kiss my neck

I think of your voice
And how you've loved me
And how long you've waited

I think of life
And how beautiful it is when you're around
And how much I want you to stay

I think of you and I can breathe.

It's so tiring
To be someone's first love
Over and over
The first person
To put light in their eyes
And the first person
To steal it back
The first fond memory
Tainted by
The first heartache
It is so tiring to be
Both the best
And the worst thing
To ever happen
To someone that
Isn't your first love,
But one of the many
You'll hate to see go

You looked at me
Like I looked at you
And for a moment
*It was love

I've got scars
             not the kind you can see
       Mine bleed on the inside
                           In the same places yours bleed into the sink
                 I've never taken a knife to my flesh
                                  But you've cut me with words
       I miss you
                  I can't believe you've been gone so long
         My shot glass has your name on it
                        So I can remember why I'm drinking
                You left me here alone
                              And I'm struggling through
                        Point is Darlin'
                                     *I love you

We made hearts from rocks on the shore of our favorite lake
I made love to you while we painted our front room
We spent endless amounts of time kissing in the forest
I kissed your neck lovingly and often
We cooked dinner together, there was so much pasta
We spent a lot of time waking up together, but not a lot of time sleeping
We had a fluffy white cat and a white front door
Our little house in the woods was home
I was cold and you were warm
We drank too much whiskey and ***** straight from the bottle
You used to get jealous
Your fingers were always in my hair or on my hips
I spent a thousand hours laying on your chest
I waited for you
Christmas was our season
You love lemon bars
I wore your sweatshirts
In my mind you will always be in Boston
The snow outside our house was always icy, it crunched under our feet
We never got to finish anything we started
You drove a nice car
I used to trace hearts on your chest with my fingertips
You used to give speeches about how much you loved me
I reminded you of sunshine
You smelled like home
I died every moment without you
We don't speak of Jon
I still think of you first when I think of wolves
You called me Alice
I wanted nothing more than to be her
You strayed from me once
You would try to leave when you got angry
I looked up at you from under my lashes
I liked to kiss you softly
You held me tight, like I was slipping away
We started smoking around the same time
You were my escape
I was yours
We spent most of our time together at night or on the weekends
Holidays were our days
You left but I always waited for you
Your smile was always woofish, but you were always petting my hair
You wanted to talk about kids
I wanted you to come home
You offered me the chance at the life we'd built
You told me the truth once and it was always there in the back of my mind
Even though our world was make believe, it was real to me
This year would mark 9 years
I miss you every single day
I don't know how to escape all the feelings I have for you
You're not what I pictured, but you're so beautiful
Who we are fits together
I was the one running for a little while
I have no way to reach you now
You won't let me buy the pieces of art that you create now, painting instead of helping me make worlds out of nothing
You broke my heart again not too long ago
Because I can't reach you to let you know that I love you, Jenny
Even though You Lied, Love

.Friday the twenty seventh of October at twelve thirty nine PM

-I am getting worse day to day, meaning that I am sad again. Real sad. Try anti-depressants even though they don't work sad. It's funny that I use that word since really it's empty that I feel . . . Or maybe hopeless. Call it whatever you want.
The thing about it though- is that I don't know who to tell. Half of everyone I know can relate which means no one even cares. I'm guilty of the same thing. "Just keep pushing it'll pass." Right? I love my job, my relationship is good, and we're financially stable. Nothing in my life is going wrong so I can't pass the blame onto some little problem. I spent nine hours cleaning my house on Wednesday hoping that I would feel better. I slept all day Thursday hoping that I would feel better. I wrote it down today hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I don't feel better. Who am I supposed to call about things like this?

Not my sister because she's run out of things to say. There are only so many times you can be sad for no actual reason and expect someone to say something new. I decline therapy. It's expensive and I don't want to talk about a bunch of things that I've already gotten over, and pills? What are pills? I've been down that road and then down even further for . . ? Nothing. For nothing.


So what am I supposed to do when I'm carrying boxes and suddenly want to hurt myself? I've never been a cutter. Never been a burner. I want the weirdest kinds of pain. I want to snap a rubber band on my wrist or bite myself until I bleed. Crazy **** that doesn't make any sense to me. I work out everyday. I drink water. I bathe. I eat.

Honestly I'm really high functioning. I don't really spend a lot of time talking to other humans anymore, but I can chalk that up to losing my super empath powers I guess. I call it independence but it could just be exaustion. I'm so tired of self diagnosing. I can tell you what's wrong with someone else in thirty seconds flat yet somehow my own sadness continuously baffles me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not going to **** myself or do something crazy. I used to cheat on my boyfriend or let someone hit me during ***, but I've grown out of that kind of stupid behavior. For awhile I was writing essays about how to get through what I'm going through which were awesome for a lot of people but don't help me at all

Maybe I'm doomed to save everyone in the world other than myself. That would make sense since there's nothing I can do about my condition. If that's what I want to call it. So I guess maybe I'm just having a bad time.
I'm sure it will pass soon.

When it is happiness in question
I always choose yours
You always choose mine
Then we fight about
The joy we keep stealing
From one another
Every Time

Maybe this isn't a poem so much as it is a letter. Not that it's anything new since once upon a time I wrote you a book. I only looked you up because I've been watching a show that has a big display of your type of crazy. It made me think of us for the first time in a very long time. I hate most of the things about you. The way you talk. The things you like. I hate your music, and for the sake of rhyming I hate your stupid ******* bike. I don't know what it was that kept me around for so long. I guess more than anything it was chemistry, not details that drew me in. The great ***. I don't know anymore I haven't thought about it in so long.
Moral of the story is I looked you up today. You've got a new girlfriend and for a second I was jealous. She's not as pretty as I am. Maybe she loves you more; or maybe just for real. All I know is I'm glad we're not together, since I missed you for the first time in years just tonight. There was nothing for me in you. Bye now.

I was so in love
With you
And your bedroom
In the shed you called an apartment
And I spent a year with you
Keeping my demons quiet
Until you got too loud
And now I miss you in the cold
When I'm sad
And I want to be held
Just right
We can watch bike tricks on a loop
Or someone play video games
That you couldn't afford
Not forever
Just got one more day
Maybe once a year
Our little secret

The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone

It just makes perfect sense
I put everything I have at risk
Suffer in ways I never have before
Give you the absolute best
That I have ever had to offer
But I am not enough
Again
And it's my fault
Again
And just like always
You have no problem
Declaring that I am your one and only
But somehow
Just like always
No problem moving on

Maybe you just wanted to prove
That you could do it

And just like always
You were right

Every wavering breath
Is more peaceful than the last
Holding a sharpened knife
Bleeding away the past
Sometimes the world is grey
And I just feel numb
Sometimes I want to slip away
With the smoking barrel of a gun
Yet each morning I wake up
Blue skies or rain
I dress myself in lies
To try to hide the pain
And here I am again
Breathing in the sorrow
The only thing I wonder
Is if I'll wake up tomorrow

*The Suicide Diaries

Ride up to me
On your tired old horse
With your bent armor
And bloodied sword
Cracked shield
Dry lips
Let me offer you water
And a place in my bed
I'll hide you from your sins
Those ghosts of battles passed
You are my knight
With old battle scars
And I'll love you
Despite your lack of shine

Where do we go from here
When there's nothing left to do
But surrender
Ourselves
Our thoughts
Our wants
Where is there left to turn
When there isn't
One single thing
Left of you?

I'm waiting for you to let me break you. Just like I've been trying not to. Like I know I can. You beg me for it sometimes. When you look at me with wide eyes, and parted lips, and tell me that you love me, and beg me to love you to. I'm waiting for the moment when the temptation is too hard to resist. When I smile through the bottom of a glass of whiskey and tell you the truth that's sits on the tip of my tongue. I'll give in to the temptation of him and his flesh. Then you'll be  alone, and so will I. Even though I'm wrapped in his arms.

I love my husband
He's never done anything wrong
I'm so ****** up
My brain is shorted out

You want to **** me?
Get a handful
Of whatever

But your time is short

You want me to love you?
Let me do that.
I'll stay for so long
Forever

Platonic cuddling
Back rubs
Daily talks
Doing anything for you

Get me naked once?
You've got six months

I want you to keep me
I want to keep you
I'd give you all the things you never had

Please
Please
Please
Please


Just like me for who I am
Because I love you

Let us pretend no longer.
That we know who we are or where we’re going.
That history its self does not repeat.
That we will be all we want to be.
Let us pretend no longer
That our promises don’t dissipate like smoke.
That lies don’t fall from our lips
That goodbye is hard to say

Let us pretend no longer

Each day I wake up and I'm smiling
Because I'm one day closer to finally dying
Life isn't so hard if you stop trying
Look happy baby, no one cares if you're crying
I light my cigarette and I take a deep breath
With smoke in my lungs I can finally rest
They tell me it'll **** me, ask me if its worth it
I tell them if it does that would be perfect
I'm tired of living always looking down
Picking pieces of myself up off the ground
I knew a man who finally got out
Of this world made of agony, that's all it's about
A handful of pills and he floated away
Left me in hell to live another day
I told him that without him I wouldn't survive
Yet somehow each morning I wake up alive
It isn't fair that he left me out here alone
Just a few months befor he was meant to come home
Home where he finally would've been okay
It's a shame his own demons came to take him away
I begged him to stay
He couldn't take it one more day
If it hurts it helps
More than anything else
Another cut another bruise another burn
I'm a hypocrite that will never learn
Pushing ideas on everyone else
Begging them to live when I can't convince myself
So I'll keep breathing even when it hurts
Going on with the knowledge that it only gets worse
Just remember that you're living a lie
Life is **** and then you ******* die

*The Suicide Diaries

I remember when you loved
That my lips tasted like
Little White Lies And Cigarettes
When my lies were meant
To keep from breaking your heart
And my cigarettes
Were dedicated to someone else's name
Rolling off my lips

Please love me
Hold me while I sleep
Whisper to me while I dream
Wake me from my nightmares
Let me lay across your lap
And finger paint hearts on your chest
Write poems about your promises
Kiss away your lies
Tell me that I matter
That I mean something
If to no one else than to you
Stay with me through November
When my smile doesn't reach my eyes
Make me cups of coffee
Pet my hair
Understand my sadness
And let me stay inside
Bring me fallen leaves from the garden
And dandelions with all their wishes still intact
See me as I am
Not how I want you to
Love me anyway
*Please love me anyway

Love was when you held me because I was crying.
You held me even though I belonged in someone else's arms.
You held me because he was passed out and I was alone.
You held me because you loved me.

Love was when I finally left you one last time.
I left you because you can do better than my broken heart.
I left you because someone beautiful smiled at you like I do.
I left you because I love you.

Love is when we see each other and we smile with our teeth showing.
We smile because we were good together.
We smile because if we don't we might cry.
We smile because we love each other, and that will never change.

Loving you
is like walking
through the rain
with an umbrella
made of sugar

I'm feeling low today
*Like an airplane scraping tree tops