I'm so ready
Because you are it for me
Why aren't you?
What's wrong with me?

I Will Apologize
             Everday
      For the rest of This Life
         That I could not paste together
Your broken pieces
       or
        Brighten the darkness
              That haunts the spaces behind
Your eyes*
                      That's all I ever *Meant to Do

My father is an old man
Once upon a Time he was a cold man
He was almost always a good man
The kind where you knew where you stood, man.

My father raised loud daughters
My father raised proud daughters
My father raised daughter that said yes with no question
Who's no's were not a suggestion

My father raised strong daughters
Beside you when nights got long daughter
My father raised stern daughters
Daddy raised you get what you earn daughters

My father raised daughters that would fight a grown man
But know when to stay silent and when to raise a hand
Daddy raised daughters that don't need a man
Daddy raised daughters just like he planned

And those daughters became mother's
Cousins
Aunt's
And their daughters are difficult women
Loud women
Proud women

Because daddy looked around and didn't like what he saw
He saw weak men
Like to drink men
He saw men who beat their wives
He saw men waste their lives
He saw men who would suffice
To sleep next to his daughter the rest of his life

So Daddy raised women to be strong
And sat beside them when nights got long
He never had titles, power, or wealth
In his old age he barely has his health
But daddy gave me more than money or fame
Daddy gave me his spirit and gave me his name

My heart has never
Been broken by a lover
Never have I been
Left wanting by someone
Who knew my absolute
Darkest or most intimate
Flaws
Moans
Secrets
Edges
I have never tasted
The bitter rejection or
Mind numbing heart
Break that seems
To be the focus of
Many a poem that
Was written during
A fit of
Loneliness in the dead
Of a long, long night
My heart breaks in
The most selfish of
Ways for those who
Have left me when
I begged them
Desperately to
Stay not for one more
Night of reckless
Love-making but
To live out the
Rest of the life that
They were offered but refused
So passionately
To take

I don't know why
I'm surprised-
I'm vain and I always
Overestimate my worth

Maybe we all write about the same things
Because life is unfair to everyone
And we all know the same pain
Because we are the watchers
We are the feelers
We are the poets
And while some people go along
Completely oblivious to the hell around them
We're the ones condemned by it
Because we're the one who see it
And breathe it
And write it
So good luck to you
All of you who write away the same sorrows that I do
Because it doesn't get better from here
I wish for your sake that you had never noticed

I need a little pain every once in a while
Recreationally I suppose
Just to remind me that the taste of life isn't always sweet
Refresh me on why I'm here
To help people through the same thing
To me it's like ******
I love the pain
Savor it
Crave it when it's not around
The withdrawals rock me
My next fix is always better than the last

Maybe
You weren't good to me
Because
That's how it was destined to be

I successfully washed away
The worst parts of myself
And built a new life
Completely clean

But even though
I'm only a year away from
Having an entire body that you've never touched
That I have tattoos your lips have never seen
I created a self that you don't know

I can't get rid of you

And this life
So perfect
So precious
Seems lacking without you in it

I can't let you go
And I don't know why
What's worse?
Seeing you every once in a blue moon?
Or obsessing about how you're missing from this

This thing that I built to finally rid myself of you

I'm sick.
You're the cure.

I don't trust myself around you
How can the cure also be the poison
A fire that always burns
That could destroy my everything

I miss you. Please call.
You terrify me. Please don't call.

Don't Leave Me
I beg you
Please don't leave me
I want to clutch your shirt
I want to wrap my arms around your ribs
So I can feel them extend with each breath you take
I need your heat
And to fall asleep with my face hidden in your neck
Just for a moment I might not feel so *alone
Your name should grace my lips
While I feel your skin against my fingertips
Inside I'm screaming for you to return
Apologizing that it took so long for me to miss you
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
At least, not completely.

Nothing matters today
I keep breathing
The world keeps spinning
Someone somewhere is dying
Half a bottle in
With a stomach fulls of pills
Bleeding wrists
And tired eyes
Nothing matters today
Tomorrow nothing will change
Tears will be shed
Over the lives lost yesterday
Which seems to be today
Curious how that works
Nothing matters today
Nothing will matter tomorrow
Because in the end,
Nothing really matters

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm not well
Deep down I feel it
The wanting
For what I am unsure
It sits in my chest
On my ribs
Beside my heart
Beating away at the same pace
Desperate longing
Some kind of sadness
The type not so easily
Expelled by things in bottles
And I want to silence it
Make it be still
Just for a moment
So I can continue on
Pass this
Let go of the fatigue
Of the hopelessness
And just be

I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve

.       let
                                  me in
  to
                                                your
        sacred spaces
                                       so
                                                         i can
    decorate
                            your
                                                  altar
           with
                                     lipstick
                                                        stains
     and
                                                   expired
                                  rose
                                         petals

             let me be your offering.

It's beautiful
Everything that you are now
And everything that you will create
I am excited as much as I am scared
Scared for you
Scared for me
Where will you go?
Will you leave me here?
Please, Please don't go.
I want to be a part of this.
Because it's beautiful and I can't do it.
There are too many risks if I try.
Please let me be there.
Please let me help you.
Give me a purpose.

It's funny isn't it?
How hard old habits seem to die.
Like the taste of beer that lies on your lips.
Or the laugh that's caught in my throat.

I'll sing you to sleep
One last time
While you're still alive
And I hear you breathing
I'll kiss you goodbye
One last time
While you're still alive
Before I feel you leaving
I want to hold your hand
While you slip away
Before the start of the day
While I still believe in life
And all it's beautiful colors
Did it hurt when you left me alone?
I don't want to go home
I don't want to stay out
I don't wanna be alive
How are you gone and I've survived?
You were my air
You were always there
When I was sick
When you were tired
We were both so blind
To what the future held for me
I guess I couldn't see
Myself, without you
Being there
You had to go
This I know
But it still burns
In my soul
That you're gone
It just feels so wrong
I tried my best
Nothing less for you
I did what I could do
But the voices in your head
They got the best of what I said
They took you
On the nights that you bled
From your wrists
In my head
Since I couldn't see you
Or kiss you goodnight
They still linger
In my eyes
In the mirror
You're still here
Please don't leave me alone
Let me breathe you in
One more time
Let me do it again
Tell you to live
When you wanted to die
Then I started to cry
And you loved me enough to stay
I miss things being that way
When you still cared
Enough to be there
Just one more night

*Please Just Give Me One More Night

You taste sweet
Like chocolate kisses and fresh raindrops
You're a warm ray of sunshine
Tickling the cooled skin on my arms
And my quivering lips
You're a soothing melody for when I can't sleep
You're all the things I want to keep


When I was a child he was my plaything
The teddy bear that I cuddled with
And the mirror that I used
When I wanted to learn how to kiss
He is the the song that played on repeat in the back of my mind
The hard piece of bubblegum that cost only a dime

You are my future
He is my past
He was the first
But darling, you are the last

People like me
We don't want pretty pictures
We crave the darkest parts of you
The lies you tell
The secrets you keep
All of the sinister thoughts in your head
Your personal form of self destruction is captivating to us
The way the light fades from your eyes
It's enticing

People like me
We won't hesitate to find your flaws
We'll point them out to you
And tell you that they don't matter
The thing you hate the most about yourself
It fascinate us
We'll seek it out and make it a part of us
Rejoice in it
Then make your hatred for it dissipate

People like me
We see beauty in everything
We'll find a rose in a field of ashes
Then pick it just to steal its essence from the world
We'll search for the most sacred elements  of who you are
Then we'll keep them for ourselves
Because deep down we are selfish
We don't want to share you
We want everyone to know that you are ours

People like me
We'll love you
So much so that it surrounds you
Encases you like a prison
But you won't want to escape
We'll love you in a way that feels like a gift
Something to cherish and show to the world
You'll be caught up in it
And you won't notice when it begins to fade

People like me
We're the reason for songs about lost love
Many a night has been spent
Drinking away our memory - or trying to
We are the one who got away
The best thing that ever happened you
The person you can't live without
Our memory will taste sweet
But eventually you'll reject the flavor

People like me
We'll leave you behind a veil of promises-
Promises that we just can't keep
We say that we will love you forever
Then we do it - from a place miles away in the middle of the night
We say that we will never leave you
Then we don't- for the feeling of us never fades
We say that we'll give you our hearts
Then we hand them to you- but they'll crumble to dust in your grasp

People like me
We are lonely
Every second of our lives is spent searching
Or waiting for the right time to leave
When that time has come
We smile and swear that it is for the best
Then cry tears that are dry before we walk away
We sweep up the pieces of ourselves that we gave to you
Then try to put them back together without the ones we missed

People like me
We will ruin you
Everything we do is so fresh- so innocent
We find joy in places where there is only sorrow
Worse yet we bring order to all of your chaos
We make the stars shine brighter for you
Then we steal ourselves back
Hide ourselves away in someone else and all of their messes
Till you can't love again because we were the first and no one compares

People like me
We destroy people like you
And we're so, so sorry

I can't help but be jealous
Of the other women who've had you
Because your body and soul
are connected
*** is such a serious thing for you
And now they carry with them
Pieces of you
I will never touch

I ****** you
And you didn't even like it

I took my clothes off
In the daylight

And it wasn't good enough for you

"I'm bad with words. Judge my actions."

That was a trap

Because you told me exactly what it was
But let me read into it how I wanted

I've never been played in my life
But you're a manipulative *******
Who let me love you for your benefit

Please go to sleep
Please just go to sleep
Join me in my dreams
Help me because I can't breathe
So please, please just go to sleep

There’s a place on my neck that he used to kiss. As soon as his lips would press against my flesh, and his breathing would echo in my ear I would go numb in the best of ways. He would run his fingers through my hair and silence the demons that hide behind my eyes, only for a moment, but a moment was just long enough for me. I miss those days when the sun was up, but we weren’t, when my hair would fan out across his chest and his fingers would trace lines across my hips. I never understood what it meant when he would cling to me like he was poisoned and I was the anecdote until I was the one who was gasping for air and he had already slipped away. I crave him like I crave the breath of smoke in my lungs after I exhale a drag from a cigarette. He’s far away now, off in his own mind even as I sit beside him. His eyes rarely find mine anymore, mostly because that’s where he read the “I love you’s” my lips could never form. I never wonder if he misses me because I’m too afraid to find what the answer could possibly be. No matter how many hello’s follow the most certain part of goodbye is the underlying tone that means it will be forever.

He is very low to the ground
He snuffles and sniffles and waddles around
He makes his home in a tree
What on earth could this creature be?
He has spikes and stickers and quills galore
There's a hint if you didn't know before
If you really stop and search your mind
You'll realize he's a porcupine

You're probably not even thinking about me
In reality you're probably cuddled up with her
Getting some sleep for work early in the morning
But I'm out here waiting for you
Because maybe my thoughts still echo in your head
I don't know what it is I want
Just to talk
Because maybe you understood me
Maybe you still could
Or maybe I'm sick
And I'm never satisfied with enough
With the best
I swear to God I would never act
On what my heart tells me
Because that ***** rarely has my best interests at heart
Pun intended
But you could come say hi
Catch up
With no listening ears
No prying eyes
Just old friends talking about yesterday
No harm
No foul
No way
Nothing more
Not like before
Come see me won't you
But you won't
And that's ok too
Safe

Remind me again love,
What was our situation?
Was it effervescent love,
Or a hostage negotiation?

;Dedication defined: "The way I looked at you even in our worst moments"

“You’ve ruined me.” She whispered as she ran her fingers through his damp hair. They were fresh from the shower, dripping water all over one another and soaking the sheets. He’d laid her down on top of her towel and made rough love to her in the chill of the evening air that came in through the open windows of his bedroom. Her declaration was quiet and muttered into the space behind his ear. He didn’t respond, at least, not with words. In the cover of darkness she couldn’t see his smile, but she felt the way his lips moved against her neck, and his slight chuckle where his chest rested over hers. He'd ruined her, just like she'd always asked him to, and it was beautiful.

Rumor has it
That I am a liar
A *****
A cheat
Can't trust me
Rumor has it
That I am shacked up
******* off
Leeching from
Some old guy
Rumor has it
That I ran off
Disappeared
Abandoned ship
Just because I could
Rumor has it
That I'm nowhere
Don't care
Beware
Stay away from me
Rumor has it

Truth is
I don't care
What rumors say
Or what you think
But you wonder why
I ran away
Truth is
You made me do it

I envy you
For your ability to run
And hide from the things that you can't change
For having the nerve to say goodbye
And the means to flee
I am caught here in all of my lies
With no escape in sight
No end getting closer
Yet somehow I'll stay here
And you'll keep running away

Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art

These days I string together words
That leave behind vacant metaphors
Empty spaces where my soul used to take residence

I can't stand to sign them
Why brand something I do not own?
Nevermind that the kerosene has evaporated from my pen
My spark died with my anguish
With nothing to light it, it abandoned me, dispersed
I spent so long trying to numb myself
I used to think it was poetic, beautiful
The nights I'd drink a half bottle of whiskey
Before nine o'clock
The way my smile brightened
My eyes shone
One million cigarettes later
Different kinds in so many different places
Oh the adventure, the whimsy
Like it wasn't all a disguise
Suicide wasnt an option
Destruction was a thrill

I used to exist bouncing between worlds
Ones which I had created and therefore was God

In one I flourished inside my own mind
My own pain
I lived amongst my sins and worshipped my vices
They were a part of me there
Where my art covered the walls in murials

Unlike it's sister
Where my words were nothing more than an amateur's graffiti
Sloppy splattered nonsense that decent humans took as a sign to flee
There was no beauty there
Just the bleak hopes of a woman running from who she was
A permanent prohibition
No liquor
No cigarettes
Just grey sidewalks and clear skies that couldn't even be bothered to rain
The world without poetry

I stepped in and out of each one
Relishing the sadness while simultaneously running from it
I'd never planned on the joy
So when it came I had no more words

"Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art"
I wish someone had told me that growth
Required so much sacrifice
I chose the most unsavory parts of me as my main adjectives
I put them on display so that only those who wanted those parts of me could get to any of the others
Now that I have erased them, lessened them, retired them
There are so many blank spaces left
Most of me, maybe
Are these sacrifices a compromise
Of the altar I've built
Or gifts that I finally believe I deserve to adorn it with?
Health
Joy
Love
All things I'd deprived myself of
Hidden from
Lamented about
Hated
I'd written a million poems about things I'd never had
How I longed for them, was robbed of them
But now, at my best, at my purest
When all of those things lay before me on a platter
My lips are sealed
My words have wilted and died
I mourn for them like I would a friend - a lover

Confugium
The foundation of my sanctuary
Had never been solid
Yet I Kept building on top of it
Up and up
The highs got so heavy
That I couldn't keep filling the cracks
With weak empty excuses
Addiction was such a pretty poison flower
It flourished in my garden
I fooled myself and everyone else into thinking
That tending to it first
And everything else last
Showed dedication to myself, my legacy
To being aware of the tragedy of the world
It was such a Johnny Cash-esque charade
The woman in black
With her liquor and cigarettes
Look at me
Lamenting about the injustices
While doing nothing but drowning and preaching
Look at me
I'm a ******* poet
I ooze messiness and disdain from every pore
I ***** metaphor
I'm so deep
So deep
In the hole that I dug myself
With no plan for a way out

After I tore down
The unholy temple I'd made of myself
Stripped my altar of lipstick stains
My pain, his pain, your pain
I dressed myself like a fresh ****
Spilled my toxic guts onto the floor
Drained my tainted blood
Skinned my arms - my *******
To clear away the dark words I'd tattooed there
I Set fire to the Bible I composed
Full of strung out verses
About death and life and loss
All those things poets dwell on
Make a living off of
Worship

Then all that was left was me
And I didn't know what that meant anymore
I'd forgotten so long ago how to simply be
Sober, happy . . . Alive
I was staring at a blank piece of paper
I could write anything I wanted
But somewhere along the way
I'd run out of words

The sacrifices we make
Are so frightening

I'm still afraid
Still grieving
But I've planted roses in my garden
Repainted my temple with greys
I've invited in visitors for the first time in so long
To worship alongside me
Leave gifts at my altar
There are windows now
So that when the sun rises there is finally light
And though the words still don't come so easily
They trickle in with the rain
They tumble out with a laugh
They're tracked in on the soles of shoes
Little by little I'm piecing them together
Like a priceless and shattered vase
They're taking shape at last
To find me at peace
A new artist
Weaving different worlds with my words
Finding new things to say

Maybe, joy has a way
Of compromising my art
Or maybe
Joy has a way
Of repainting
My world

These sacrifices we make
They're poetry too

I read over that last message
Over
And
Over
Because I just can't delete it
Just like I can't forget you
I put it in my archives
So it's out of sight
Or easier to find
Whichever
And I check it every so often
To make sure you haven't missed me
Like I still miss you
Despite us both
It's so ******* stupid
You hurt me so deep
******* man
I hope you find someone to
Put up with your ****

You're still breathing
But I can't sleep
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
Let me hold you
And rock you to sleep
With lullabies laced with Novocaine
Rest in peace
Rest in peace
I promise I'll be here in the morning
Will you?
Say you will
*Say you will

When youth comes crawling to me
On it's hands and knees
Tears in its eyes
Begging
"Make the pain go away, help me, please."
I simply smile
And kiss it's damp cheek
Then laugh a little laugh
For youth is always weak
You can call me hurtful
You can call me mean
But I crouch down and say to youth
"Don't worry, everyone wants to die when they're seventeen."

                     **The Suicide Diaries

Sew my lips shut
To keep in all the sensations I exhale

Every aching sip of sadness

OR* tangy bout of rage

They are my art
            And without them, I am nothing

Darlin' don't you lie to me
I know that you've been with her
Your lips taste like lies, and my thoughts are drifting
You know that it's okay
That's the worst part isn't it?
How easily I'm willing to let you go.
It's bound to happen sometime honey.
You're going to be gone.
I'll be left here by myself to live a life of love.
Love that's cheap like fools gold.
My promises turn my lips green.
Because they are impure even though I try to sell them at a high price.
Don't feel bad about it, Love.
We both knew how we were going to end up.
Us, together, we were never meant to be.
So you go ahead and stray from me.
I'm the wrong path anyway.
The one with thorns while she can give you roses.