8 o’clock A.M.
I wake up
I stay in bed
“6 more hours.”
I sleep for 6 more hours
I wake up again

2 o’clock P.M.
Finally time to drag myself out of bed
I sit up
I fall back
Nauseated again
I lay down and stare at the wall
I’ve become accustomed to staring at that wall
I think of all the things I should be doing right now
Something productive
Not sleeping
I feel it again
Good ole’ gender dysphoria
I sob for two more hours
All while feeling nauseated

4 o’clock P.M.
I try not to throw up
It’s my worst nightmare
The weird thing is
That everyday I feel nauseated
But I never get sick
And I never feel better either
I try to sleep it off for a few more hours
This is the fourth day in a row that I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch
Not on purpose
I just forgot to feel hungry
It was covered by all the sick feelings

8 o’clock P.M.
I wake up
I eat dinner
I go to bed
I can’t sleep
I stay awake until 7 A.M.
I finally sleep for an hour
I wake up
Do it all over again

8 o’clock A.M

You are very neat
And you're cool, and kind, and sweet
The very neatest

I was so nervous to ask you out
But then you said yes
Then we started dating
And I couldn’t be happier
Then I decided to ask you to hang out
Just us two alone
But I was so nervous
You make me feel nervous
But in a good way
I get butterflies when I’m around you
But it feel so natural and nice
You said yes
That you could come over Saturday
And that day is tomorrow
And I’m scared
But I know we’ll have fun together
Because you always make it fun
And you always make me feel calm again
You really do

Do you ever just know that you’re being annoying?
But like you don’t really care?
Cause mood.

I had a dream
That she noticed me
That she smiled
And told me she’d walk a mile
If it meant that we could talk
And walk
Together

But then that dream
It went into a horrible something
When she didn't come to school
For a whole week

Let me just say
I was terrified
To think that the girl I
So desperately want
Was going through something
That makes her sad

I begged and pleaded
To every god I know
To just let me take her place
To let me deal with the pain
So she can smile again

It isn't fair
That she has to experience
Something that takes her smile away
The beautiful smile that I look forward
To seeing everyday
When I get to school

She is beauty, she is grace
And she has the most beautiful face
Personality
Abilities
And talents

What I wouldn't give
To sneakily hold her hand
Under the cover
Of a blanket we could share

For now I'll settle with the subtle flirting
And looking at each other
With those stupidly cute love eyes

I want to give her those love eyes

I guess I'm just a chaser

But I'm a chaser of a beautiful girl

Who doesn't deserve me

I thought that I should try

To rhyme another rhyme

But all I can think instead

Is I just want to go to bed

Yesterday I found out
That you were into me
Just like I was into you
For two years I have wanted you
To call you mine
And then today I found out
That you didn’t want to be into me
That’s why you haven’t been talking to me
It’s just so difficult

I'm sick of being clean.
I feel like I'll slip up any moment.
Maybe now is that moment.
I'm sorry.
But I just can't take it anymore.
I need to feel pain.
I deserve to feel pain.
I know I promised I would come to you.
I promised I would talk to you instead.
I promised I would stay clean.
But little did you know,
That I was lying.
I'm laying in my own dirt.
And I'm sorry.

Its too late,
It’s just too ******* late.

So I had a dream last night
I was at the doctor getting checked out for my nausea
And they did some tests
I found out that I had brain cancer
Specifically brain cancer

The dream switched to me having to tell my friends
They all left me
They didn’t want to deal with me
I had to quit band
And drama
And all my hopes and dreams went to ****
All within the span of a few days

But what’s worse is that when I woke up
I thought I was still sick
I thought it was all real
And I started to cry
My friends texted our group chat
They were all really nice
But when I think about the dream
I can still remember them leaving me
And it makes me want to cry

Before I even had the dream
I would sometimes think
That one day something could happen
And do all of these same things in real life
I would be dying
And they would leave me for real

And now I’m thinking that I could be predicting the future

I always have to work so hard for everything.
My money
My average grades
The parts in plays
And the hardest thing of all:
My happiness

Shouldn't we just be given happiness?
I guess not
Because I never just get it
I always have to earn it

****, it's hard to earn

I am so drained
Emotionally and physically
It's hard to keep my head up
Especially when I can't earn you

You are the only thing
The only person
That just gives me happiness
Like I've already earned it

Thank you.

Thank you for my happiness
And for the hilarious fights we have
And for the times we spend together
Even if you don't know how much it means to me

Just thank you
For not making me earn it.

Thank you.

(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)
My life is one big mistake
I am always trying and failing
To get you out of my mind
It’s really hard to forget you
You’re just so great
But you don’t want me
Like I want you
I want my best friend back
I need you back
Is that so much to ask?
(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)
This is way too much
I can’t handle the fact
That you don’t want me
Even as a friend or more  
You never want to talk to me
It’s like you never even wanted to
In the first place
I thought I could get over you
But it’s harder than it looks
Much harder than I anticipated
(ERROR, ERROR, ERROR)

I used to have an addiction
And every night I would fuel it
The fires of my apprehension
And I still wanna do it

But now I’m trying to drown
Drown in a new addiction
This new one I found
Is no better, but no worse of mutilation

It all feels the same to me
Every night when I have withdrawals
I feel tears and then I just sing
I can feel how the scars crawl

Addiction is bad
But now it feels so good
It makes people mad
But I just want to do it

I have an addiction
And I’m only a few months clean
But I can feel myself slipping
On the waters of addiction

I feel gross.

I went into this thinking it would be slow
I never knew that I would quickly grow
To become so successful and mature
In the wonderful, beautiful art of theatre

Competition went by so quickly
And I got better and became more witty
It was rough and it was painful
It felt like I was being weighed down by an anvil

Then came the biggest competition
The very one I never thought I'd compete in
I was only an alternate
But that was a fate that I was happy to have met

I knew from the start that one way or another
My success would turn into a world of blunder
Sure, I have three more years
To learn to hide my pain and tears

I'm just a failure.

We fight because we care
We don't fight often
But the rare times that we do
It always ends in
I love you

I love you.

I’M FEELING IT AGAIN.

ALL THE ******* NAUSEA

Do ya ever feel that way?

You probably have a few times in your life.

But have ya ever felt it CONSTANTLY?

Every.
Single.
*******.
Day.
I feel it.

Sometimes it’s for a few hours.

But a lot of the time, it’s all **** day.

ALL **** DAY.

I’m so uncomfortable all the time.

Because of NAUSEA.

******* NAUSEA.

Forgive me for being a little bitter.

I’m just a little<a lot>nauseated.

You were so cute today
And yesterday
And even the first day I saw you

My first day at your school
I saw you and thought,
“God, who made you this way?”

Because you were so handsome
Wearing a denim jacket
And some jeans that fit you well

You looked so confident
So manly and sweet
I wanted to hug you

I just want to hold you close
Kiss you and whisper,
“God, who made you this way?”

I feel as if we have grown close
Closer than you have with most
Why is that?

Why do you hug me so much?
Why do you show me so much affection?
Why do I love it so much...?

I just want to pull you close
Give you love while I whisper,
“God, who made you this way?”

You are so beautiful
So handsome
So, unmistakably hot

In every way you have captured my attention
Your personality has pulled me in and it won’t let go
Your heart has connected to mine and now it pounds against my chest

Who made you this way?
Because they did good
You are good

You stare at me in fear,
Is that my happiness or my tears?

People say hatred is wrong

That it means you're as bad as the very one you hate

But I beg to differ

Why can't I hate her for torturing me as a child

And trying her very best to make me sad

Why can't I hate him for doing the very same

For doing anything he can to made me feel pain

Just because he can't hurt himself enough

I've grown to hate myself

And as bad as that is

I just can't stop

I've grown up with such a toxic set of siblings

I might as well be the first to go

That's what they've always wanted

When they tried to strangle me

I still remember how it felt

When they wrapped their hands around my neck

It hurt

She’s mean
She’s annoying
She’s god awful

But she’s my sister
So I’ll only complain

The pain and fear
The constant knowing
I'm not who I want to be

People view me differently
They see the old me
The dead me

It hurts
I feel it
I feel all of it

I just want it to stop
I want to be ready
Ready to tell everybody

I'm not who you thought I am
I'm not who you have always known
I'm so, so very different

I can't bring myself to sat it
The very words I want to say the most
The three words that could most definitely change everything

I've always been so confident in myself
My decisions have never been for nothing
They have never been something of regret

But this time is hard
My friends will understand
But will everyone else?

I have to say it
I have to say
I have to
I have
I

I
Am
Trans

You see a lot of girls talking about their insecurities
But hardly any boys speak about theirs
It’s like we’re simply not allowed
Like it’s a rule that you can’t be open about your feelings
Well I am
I’m one of the few boys who are
I’m comfortable enough to talk about my uncomfort
And there’s a lot of it
Some boys can relate to girl problems
I relate to them all
I bleed every month
I’m uncomfortable with a lot of my body
I feel feelings
Everyone feels feelings
Girls are encouraged to talk about them
But what about us boys?
Can’t we be sensitive?
Because some boys are insecure
And we need to express it

Depression
"It's not real."
"It's all up to you how you feel."
"You're so problematic."
They're all wrong.
Depression is real.
As real as you.
As real as me.
As real as the thing you love the most.
Depression doesn't make you sad.
It makes you afraid.
Of happiness.
Of sadness.
It makes you tired of feeling.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm tired.

Boi
Boy
I am a boy
Gorl
Girl
I am NOT a girl
Don't try to tell me what you think you know
You're wrong
You're always wrong

I woke up the next morning and looked over
There he was right next to me
Laying awake and staring
His beautiful eyes looking deeply into mine
This was a wonderful way to start our day

Then I made him pancakes
He really loves when I bake for him
He said he wanted to bake with me forever
Like my little assistant
Baking is very important to us

We sat together on the couch and made plans for the day
A fun little trip to Walmart
We needed more baking ingredients
He said he wanted to make pudding and a cute little cake
I smiled and happily agreed

We ran our errands and went back home
I sat down and he threw himself at me
He trusts me so much to catch him every time
I always do my best to keep him safe
We cuddled for a while while watching baking shows

We joke and cook and kiss all evening
Then it’s time for a shower
We love taking showers together
We love taking care of each other
It’s the most wholesome thing

Then we get into bed
I hold him or he holds me
We make sure the other is okay
Then we talk and talk and talk
Until we fall asleep again

We constantly say “I love you”
We make each other gifts
We have a ton of ***
We are “that couple”
We are so, so happy with each other

But I think we both agree that our absolute favorite type of day
Is the mundane day
<3

Sometimes I feel sick and tired.
It usually goes away after a day.
But lately I've felt worse.
I've felt nauseated.
I've felt like crying.
And all for what?

I thought it was just a depressive episode.
I thought I would feel better after a few hours of crying.
But I just feel worse.
I feel more sick and tired.
The feeling that I will throw up anytime won't go away.
Why do I feel this way?

I think it's because I feel so lonely.
I feel isolated from the world around me.
Yeah, I hang out with friends a lot.
But I never really feel there.
It's just so exhausting.
Why is this happening?

I've always wanted a pet.
To help me feel comforted.
And make me stop feeling lonely.
But sadly I can't have one.
And I will be alone for what feels like forever.
Why is the world so cruel?

My isolation follows me.
It's there when I wake up.
It's there when I'm with other people.
It's even there to tuck me in at night.
I still feel queasy.
Why is it so involved in my life?

Why am I asking so many questions?
Why is the light of the screen making my nausea worse?
Why can't I stop crying?
Why can't I think clearly?
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why?