Sometimes, it feels fine.
Sometimes, it feel amazing.
Sometimes, it feels weirdly comforting.

But other times, it makes me feel sad.

The word emo is used to describe someone who dresses dark and scary.
Or someone who hurts themself.
For me, it’s a word I use to describe my real emotions.
Emo = emotion
I am “emo” because I am emotional.
Sure, I joke around a lot.
I make fun of my own emotions.
I call myself emo just because I like wearing black.
But there’s a reason why I wear all that black.
I’m too afraid to be happy.
I’m don’t deserve to wear color.
I feel like I should always be grieving.
I feel like I don’t deserve happiness.
Why would I?
I always feel guilty for what happened back in the seventh grade.
I could’ve done more.
I could’ve been more useful.
That’s a lie.
I’m useless.
Worthless.
A terrible person.  
The point is that I am the original emo.
Not because I wear black.
But because I am emotional.
Does that make me human?
No.
It just makes me sad.
That’s as plane as it gets.
I’m just sad.

It’s so crazy to think
That you would want to put up with me
For a whole month
And longer

I’m so glad I get to spend time with you
And hold you
And kiss your head
Every time you lean into me

The way you yawn and lazily move closer
You let me wrap my arms around you
And we stay that way for a while
Then you do the same for me

You hold me and make me feel safe
And warm
You’re so sweet
You’re so kind and loving

Thank you for loving me
For a whole month and more
Thank you for letting me love you
For hopefully many more months

<3

New routine:
Wake up, take two pills
Eat a sandwich
Write comedy
Take another pill
Eat another sandwich
Watch comedy
Take another pill
Eat another sandwich
Go to bed
Don’t sleep
Feel, instead of nausea, a weird rumbling in your stomach
Shake a little
Fall asleep in the morning
Wake up
Forget your pill
Have withdrawals
Feel terrible
New routine:
Feel terrible
Have anxiety over feeling terrible
Tremble in fear
Feel depressed
Leave the house
Forget the situation
Come home
Take a pill
Continue to feel terrible
New routine:
Prefer the nausea over this.

You looked so beautiful
In your pink bandana
With your earbuds in
Listening to k-pop
And eating starbursts

But you seem to not notice me at all.

Every single time
Every single day
I am reminded

Because apparently
Everyone loves to
Remind me
When exactly
You died

Thinking of a past event:
“Was that before or after your dad died?”

Um, WHAT???

Why can you just ask me
How old I was?

Why must you assume
That’s the only event I remember?

Trust me
I wish I didn’t have to

Maybe it’d be easier
If I was some sociopathic
*******

Then I wouldn’t always feel
Depressed
Or lonely
Or done

Maybe I’d be worse.

Because even I use the same reference:
“Was my dad already dead, or was he dying?”

Who the **** cares?

I was a fresh 13 year old.

I shouldn’t have to remember that.

You started in one place
And now you act like you want us to “burn”
Those are your exact words.
“Burn”
Remember where you ******* came from
Because we didn’t do anything to deserve this
Remember where you came from
Because one day, you might come back
And we will all have know what you said
And we will all show no friendship
You try to make an enemy of us
But we have more class
So don’t try to act like you’re amazing
When the next second you’re telling people how ****** you feel because you don’t get your way
I see right through you

Remember where you came from, kid.

I thought we were going to be best friends
For a really, really long time.
I thought that you would never leave
Especially without a warning.
And now it seems that you don’t want me
Anymore.
You don’t feel the need for me
Anymore.
I feel like a part of me has been
Ripped apart.
Apart from my body.
My heart.
I don’t know what I did
But I’m sorry.
Please come back to me.
I can’t seem to stop crying.

My stomach hurts from the anxiety I feel everyday.
I can't possibly describe it any other way.
When I wake up from the two hours of sleep I had that night
I feel the pain creep in just like a bright light.
It shines it's darkness all around me
And whispers things that quickly drain my glee.
It makes my head and stomach ache.
It makes me think all the times I felt fake.
I get up and go to the bathroom
To look into my mirror of absolute doom.
It shows my face: exposed and pale
Because lately my state of mind has made me so frail.
I know it's a cliche emo thing to say
But why did my life have to end up this way?

I heard that all night
They didn’t say it to be mean
They said it to point us out
To make it known
That we were, in fact
“Being gay”
For each other
Like a couple

You’re cute and sweet
Mean and rude
Weird  and dorky
Nerdy and geeky
You’re hot and manly
Charming and handsome
Smart and interesting
Strong and masculine

There are just so many things
That I can think about
As to why I really really
Really really really really like you
So many reason as so why
You are different
You are special
Not like anyone else I’ve ever known

You’re so cuddly with your friends
But more so with me
And I love it
I love that we can play fight
And be mean to each other
But in the end
I ask if you’re okay and vise versa
And we hold each other

Maybe we’re just two boys
Who are mainly into girls
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who are too weird to say it out loud
Maybe we’re just two boys
Who like to cuddle with each other
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who happen to be gay for each other

Our friends always say
“Stop being so gay”
To point out that we are
In fact “being gay”
Because we are
We’re always being pretty gay
For each other
And I ******* love it

~
The sun was bright
Shining my life with light
Then the storm came
Now there’s  just rain
~

He is sad and he said that all he wants to do when he’s sad is cuddle up next to me and sleep but he can’t do that cause you’re not supposed to sleep in your binder. But he’s only sad because of dysphoria. ******* dysphoria has the ******* audacity to get in my mans head again and I want to kick its ***. But I can’t cause I can’t even handle my own and I can only imagine how he feels. I just want to hold him and let him talk to me about all his feelings while we slowly fall asleep together, but we can’t even do that and that *****. I just want him happy. I have never loved someone so much that I would do anything to just take his pain away and put it on myself so it wouldn’t hurt him.
:(

Sometimes I try my best to avoid sleeping in my room.
I think it’s because I’m afraid that if I sleep in my bed, I’ll never want to get up.
And then I’ll slowly **** myself.
In a heap of my own depression and self comfort.
So I sleep on the couch.
Because it’s just not as comfortable.
So then I won’t want to die as fast.

First California
Next the whole world
The fires grow stronger and stronger
Every single day
Fueling us with as much fear
As we have fueled the fire with oxygen
The world is rottin anyway
Maybe it’s good that we burn
Maybe that’s what we must do
To restore the earth to its former state
We must wipe ourselves out
In order to come back better
Or maybe we shouldn’t come back at all
Maybe we should die
And stay dead
Cause, considering everything happening,
On these horrible days of earth
The human race really does ****

I love flowers
They smell nice.
I love showers
They feel kind.

I love anime
It's really worth wild.
I love music
It can last a while.

I don't love sadness
It makes me cry.
I don't love death
Why do people have to die?

I can't stand hatred
It makes me  follow suit.
I can't stand darkness
Though I drown in it like a recluse.

But right now I'm happy
Like the Doctor when he said something clever.
I'm so happy
That I gave it a name: Trever

I love watching the trees flow
When the wind takes them

I love listening to the sound of the leaves
When the wind picks up stronger, stronger

I love to see the trees move
As the wind continues to grow stronger, louder

I love the way the tree next to my house
Seems to get more and more closer to my room

I love to think about how any day, the tree could blow over and **** me.

I love to dream of the day something terrible takes my life.

I love to replace the word “love” with the word “fear”

I
Am
Over
Being
Your
Little
*******
*****

You are the current source of my
p a i n

The one who makes me want to
q u i t

You make me want to pack up and
l e a v e

Maybe one day I will so I can stop being a
b u r d e n

You
Can
Not
Control
Everyone’s
Mother
*******
Life

Excuse my language but you really do
s u c k

Why does it make you happy to see me in
p a i n ?

You can’t handle being told that you are
b a d  a t  s o m e t h i n g

That’s why you choose to do the same to
m e

Because
You
Love
To
Be
A
Toxic
*****

I tried to hide my feelings
By dating another girl

That was dumb and it didn't work
Because you're the only one I see

I can't hide my feelings
So I'll just stop trying

I'll tell you any chance I get
That you look wonderful

I'll tell you anytime I can
That you are wonderful

I'll make it so well known
That you're my one and only

I can't look at anyone else
The same way I look at you

You're one of a kind
And I wish I could give you the world

You are so close
Yet so far

So, I won't hide my feelings
I'll yell them to the world

In a peaceful voice
That only you can hear

You are my best friend
But I wish you were more

I can wait.

Labels are a lie
A way to communicate
A way to tie yourself down
To a specific word in time

Gender is one form of labels
It's not real
It's just a word
A form of communication

Why do we give in to these labels?

Simple.

Words are powerful
They are wonderful
They are evil
They are real

Gender is not real

But the words are

So ask yourself this:

"What's my label?"

I have this small wound
It’on my left arm
Right above my hand
And it really makes me think
I think of all the things that can come from wounds
Like death
I’ve been thinking a lot about death
Because I don’t know where exactly we go
And it scares me
I end up thinking a whole through my brain
A wound in my head
Full of thoughts
“What will happen when I die?”
I just don’t know
And it hurts
Like a wound
Like a deep wound
Like a really painful wound
Of thoughts

So sweet, so wonderful, so natural
You never let me feel scared
You talk to me about all my worries
And for that, I truly thank you

I love writing about you
Because It’s something happy to think of
You make me so happy
For that, I appreciate you

These happy works
Are what I want to write about more
So others can read them
And feel the same happiness you give me

You ask me if I have any
I tell you I don’t know
But I would absolutely love
To figure it out with you
Together