The illusion of elegance,
copied from her mother.
Childhoods left undealt with,
but she wears her traumas
around her neck in that
beautiful southern style
passed down from her mother.
Enforces her new rules,
ignoring the past that got her there
for a new sense of priority.
Her pearls are lost,
sold long ago by someone else,
and she has forgotten
what they stood for.

My grandmother always told me that
I had to watch the words leave me mouth because
I am a pretty girl and we do not say ugly words.
I’ve always had to take caution with my voice.

When I was walking down the hallway in ninth grade
A boy called out “Hey yo, nice ***!”
And when I whipped around,
I resisted the urge to call him a ****
Because I wanted to be a pretty girl,
I have always wanted to be gorgeous and
I can’t say ugly words if I’m going to be.

When I was waiting in the vice principals office,
After my “best friend” stuffed a letter into my locker
She called me a ****, a word I’d yet to hear,
And made me feel like I didn’t deserve to breath
Because I was just a *****, right?
The ironic part is she’s still the prettiest
Girl I’ve ever seen, who used the ugliest words.

When a boy who must have been 12 years old
Called out to me  “Hey, yo, girl, come here”
As I walked across the parking lot,
Garbage bag in hand and I had to tell myself
That the appropriate response wasn’t to
Call him a ****** but to ignore it and walk faster

When love came towards my head
Just barely slow enough for me to move
And the words “What the ****” caught in my throat
Because I still needed to seem pretty
Even when my body was shaking,
I couldn’t say ugly words, or I’d be ugly too,
So I just stood there and waited for
The shaking to stop in my bones.

I have always wanted to be a pretty girl,
And pretty girls don’t say ugly words,
Right?

The silence is too much
I hear myself think...think...think
About nothing important
But I scour my brain for it
Fight at the little thoughts
Like how much water makes
Your cells over-hydrate and explode?
What if I replaced coffee creamer
With Windex tomorrow morning,
How much time would the ambulance take?
Would I be okay?
Because I don’t really want to die
But yes I do, for just a second
Bring me back to life
Defibrillators against my chest
Don’t shock me as much as
The silence, because it rings
It’s not even silent
So how can it be so invasive
I think about the consequence of
Lighting a candle and leaving
It there by my bedside all night
How quickly would I
Knock it down in my sleep
I’m so afraid of burning to death
And drowning,
Though I guess one solves the other
I mean if you push a burning person into a lake,
Say a witch tied to a stake,
Are you saving them,
Or does that make you a killer,
See she couldn’t swim up,
But at least she isn’t burning,
And am I the witch or the fire in this scenario?
Probably both, though I’m also
A lake because who else
Can put me down better than myself.
And I pushed my own **** self in
Because “I don’t need a hero”
Every feminist bone in my body screams
While I’m tied to the railroad tracks
How did I get here? Wasn’t I just drowning?
I guess I took a crosstown bus.
But I was the only passenger
Because it was completely silent.

I meant to write you a poem,
It was going to taste like
Lemonade when it rolled off your tongue
Bubbly when it kissed your lips,
Just as I wish I could
Make myself do again.
It was supposed to smell like
Lemons and honey when
It was breathed out
The words were going
To flow like my hair
When you run your fingers
Through the tangles.
It was going to sound like
The thoughts I never have the time,
nor breath, to get out.
It needed it to be everything I wish
I could say to you once again
“I love you”s and
“Please hold me”s
That get lost in the translation from
My brain to my lips,
so instead I press them
Against yours, but not today,
Today was different, yes,
not at all the same.
I was going to write you a poem,
Instead here is line
After line of thought
That taste more
Like black licorice
It feels like the words
I scream at you
When I think it’s been going
Way too smoothly lately
For us to truly love each other,
We cannot be in love,
If I don't want to hate you
All the same time.
No this poem is not sweet,
It feels like the grit
Of brick pieces in
Your bloodied knuckles,
Because we don't know
How to be nice too each other
It's always more fun
When you don't like me,
You scream at me, I know
Because it looks like
Every other relationship
I've seen in my life.
I'm sorry, I can't write you
A cute poem where I
Compare your eyes to flowers
Or roll lemonade kisses off my lips.
I don't know that kind of love.

I painted the cracks in the sky with starlight
As the sun began to set, afraid of the dark.
Waited for the shimmer of hope to appear.
The moon hung there, sharp and bright
It called my name from it's place so high,
"I am not the stars, we shine so differently,
come with me and I will light your world
not just the path that lies beneath your feet."

So I spent all my time chasing moonlight,
letting it tire me out in hopes of just
getting to see one more sunrise in my life.
And I can't say I was lied to, not at all,
for the moon did light my whole world,
but with everything so bright it was hard
to see exactly where I was supposed to go,
I do much better with my starlit paths.

As a child my lips kissed
Every honeysuckle my arms could reach.
I believed,honestly and truly,
That if I ****** every sweet drop out
I’d find happiness hidden there.
Every bush was bare by the time I left,
I was still searching as I became a teenager,

I search now, not in plants,
In people. I believe I can find my happiness,
By pressing my lips against others,
Filling myself with their energy and filling my mouth
With sweetness are not so different.
I haven’t seen a honeysuckle bush in years,
But every now and again,
The familiar taste is on my tongue.

The world seems so bleak
Once you rise off your knees,
Your sides are bruised
You apologize, for flinching
Apologize for existing,
When it's two in the morning
You haven't slept in days
Thoughts are racing in your brain,
Your head aches, pounds with
Your heartbeat , it's sped up
Adrenaline barely wearing off.
Grip onto whatever pieces
of reality you can find,
Secretly wishing you slip away
Just this one time,
To avoid this pain in your ribs
Make it the last time
You have to hope they didn't break,
The last night you lay awake,
knowing life would be a bore,
without the odd validation
Of laying on your bed,
Ice pack held close to your body.

Maybe you're a little too ****** up,
What does that matter,
No one would notice anyways,
They all think you're fine,
That's what you tell them at least;
Everything is fine, don't worry,
Cry yourself to sleep humming
Old lullabies from years ago,
Hum yourself to sleep,
Or maybe, just daydream
About how life used to be.

We sat on your doorstep all night
Singing songs from our childhood,
Laughing at the references we missed.
You never cared I was off key,
I loved how you couldn't keep rhythm.
I believe if we stayed there forever
We might just be perfectly okay.

Then you realized how much my
Voice strained to get the notes,
I began to get distracted by
Just how off your tapping was.
Love became frustration,
Melodies becomes arguments.
It didn't take much to long
To silence us completely.

Now you've come to me,
No one else can sing our songs.  
I came back to you,
No one else taps the beat of my heart.
We're trying so hard to fix
What has been destroyed.

So we sit on your doorstep,
Singing new songs,
Only hoping that can fix it.

He calls for her in the night
From his place on the kitchen floor,
Broken bottles scattered about his feet,
He picks up a piece of one,
Holds it loosely in his closed hand.
She comes to him reluctantly,
Her footsteps whispers on hardwood.
He tells her to sit with him,
Amongst his shattered discards,
She lowers herself, silencing protests.
His hand brushes her leg,
Beckons her to come closer.
She swallows her fear, glancing back
In the room she'd left is her life,
Her joy in this nightmare of a house,
There is a wooden crib,
A small boy stirring inside it.
She's almost lost her boy once.  
She moves closer to the man,
Her body trembling with knowledge
Of what comes with their closeness.
His hand moves up her nightgown,
Grazes the marks he left before,
He was fond of leaving them there
Beleiving it claimed his territory.
She shakes, gives him her body
Only hoping it stops his anger,
That she can protect her baby
If only for one more night.

She is a goddess,
A star filled extraterrestrial diety.

Her hair is made of sunlight,
It shines over her shoulders,
Cascades down her back
In golden brown rays,

Her eyes are fields of grass
They blow through my mind,
Grow in my heart like weeds,
Taking over every thought.

Her body is made of mountains,
Valleys that dip perfectly,
My hands know them by memory
Finding every piece in the dark.

Her words are magical,
They echo despite her whispers,
Ring so loud they become screams,
I just can't listen anymore.

I had her for such a short time,
She loved me,
I forgot that meant I needed
To love her back.

I am suffocating,
The words you
Pushed down my throat
Haven't been letting
Any air get past,
I would push them down,
But my throat is sore.
You grabbed it to hold
My mouth open
As you spoke into it
A story of how this happened.
Every morning I cover
The imprent of fingertips
Sighing the same thing
I've sighed since the day we met.
I know you won't do it again.

There is a boy who claimed to love me,
His hands would grab at my waist
Like his lust was cured with the touch,
But they roamed over every body
Within their grasp like explorers
Too afraid to settle down
Afraid they'd get bored with just
The landscape of my body
Just the mountains of my hips
The rivers of my hair
They'd tire of the hill of *******
Of the lake between my legs
And so he never stayed for long.

I realize now he never intended to,
Always his plan was to leave
After he knew every inch of me
And I was stupid enough to
Hand him a map and mark my heart
Right in the middle just incase.
But I am worth more than my body
I am worth staying,
He is not worth baring all explorers
He is not the example for how
Every hand that touches me will end,
He will not be the last
And he most definitely cannot stay,
Not anymore.

I am sitting in her bed
Her fingers tangled in my hair
She sighs softly as she sleeps
The world has gone dark outside
Streetlights the only illumination
Through the crack in her blinds
I watch
Shadows of memories play quietly
Her body stirs against mine
My eyelids threaten to close
I am afraid,
If I close my eyes now
When will I ever open them again?
Will this be my last memory?
Her ******* rising and falling
Against my bare skin?
Will that be a good one to carry along
As I move on to whatever is next?
Why am I so worried about this
I am not old enough to die suddenly
So why am I so afraid
That falling asleep will be
The very last thing I do.

~Deleted~

Roses are red
Violets are blue
There goes my heart
Don't know what to do
Today's almost done
Tomorrow is new
And so I'll just sit here
Thinking of you

When I’m around you
It isn’t like butterflies
But a whole flock of birds
Rustling in my stomach
And there’s no great way
To tell you this anymore
No tactful options left
Only fluttering hope
You’ll realize I love you
Before it’s too late
Help me please because now
The birds are beating their wings
Against my flesh, trying to get free
And burst out of me
Sick of the shadows that
These feelings bring and I
Have to swallow so you
Don’t see how much it would mean
If you’d just smile
And take my hand
Like the world could revolve
Around something other
Than your ******* book
Or that stupid show
Pay attention for five seconds
And you just might notice
The love in my eyes
That I’m getting sick of
Wasting on you again and again
And that awful habit
Of flirtation without thought
For how it affects anyone else
So  I try to seem like
I don’t really care at all
When my feelings are being torn apart
But, you know what, I’m done
Clawing at my stomach
To let the birds free
So you might notice them

You say these things
that I would take
any other way with
any other person
but it's coming from
the guy who
openly denied we
could have a
relationship anymore
so pardon me
when I can't believe
the things you say

The way his fingers moved over the ivory keys
Notes pouring from his hands left me in awe
"Sing" he urges so I do, voice, piano, and
Laughter like a symphony of our own kind
The intimacy of the moment is so thick
it threatens to burst out of the room
and consume the whole world in love
I forgot for a moment to keep my guard up
I forgot that I should be weary of this
That I should be cautious of anything
I let myself be engulfed by the love
we shared and I let the intimacy
of that moment consume my world.

She came home
drunk off her ***
five missed calls
and it's still ringing
His number is
flashed across the
screen bright green
She just stares
he never calls
the phone flies
out of her hand
hitting the wall.
and cracking
his number.
Hours later the
red and blue lights
hit pale skin
and she breathes
out his name
for the last time
placing the gun
on her nightstand
and holding his
pale body close.

The world spins as I breathe
In.
out.
But it will continue when I stop.

church bells going off in my head
ringing on and on
until I can't sleep and I kneel
just to speak to god
and I don't even believe in him
but I never knew
that the church bells meant you.

your fingertips were so cold
as they pressed into me
but I shut my mouth and let
you pull me apart
piece by ******* piece
just so you felt big
in your tiny little mind
but it wasn't
my place to question you
or your little things
and now that
you're gone I'm the happy one.

Our darkest nightmares
no longer held closely
but called simply childish
things that were once
so cherished in our eyes
no longer have their meaning
but all the lies we believed
can never be replaced
not simply
nor through time
this is what happens
to your dreams
as you grow out of them.
They become closer to
reality, your reality.
a ****** up, terrifying,
disturbed reality,
full of dissociation and lies.
But maybe your reality
is better than mine.
Still, it’s not perfect
nothing is perfect, not really.

In just an instant I go blind
lost in the radiant sunshine
of your crazy beautiful mind.
intensely you whisper your
love for me in my ear and I
can only shutter you away
as I open my eyes, losing you.

caught in our tangles
of passion and pain
with teeth marks
all down my back
my fingernails
carving caverns in
your flesh.

body**
so I write here right?
is that correct?
I think this is where
I'm supposed to write
now what to put...

for the last time
you grab my hand
try to teach me
how to dance.

for the last time
your lips hit mine
skin touching
delicate skin

for the last time
you whisper
your love for me
into my ear

for the last time
i know that
we could be
immortal together

for the last time
you say goodbye.

there once was a doll
with rosy cheeks
and porcelain skin.
her smile painted
a permanent  happiness
until she fell off the shelf
and since she was no egg
there were no kings men
to put her together again
so she laid on her floor
cried those porcelain tears.
the doll is no more long since
forgotten on the dusty  floor
just because she was never an egg.

The tips of your fingers are
burning holes in my thighs
as theses indirect questions
pick through my mind
how was I supposed  to know
it would end up like this
every word we say bitter and stiff
you didn't even have to try
to burn down that bridge
it was smoking since we began
there was no way we'd make it
not with my ****** up views
and your unwillingness to try
in almost six months neither
of us was really happy once
well that's not true, I was happy
but very rarely with you
bringing each other up then down
like a twisted merry-go-round
with our hearts for horses.

Head down
Hair up
Don’t say a word.
Walk past
Quickly now
They might see you.
Duck into class
Sink in your seat
Don’t risk it
They might see you.
Long sleeves
Mostly black
Blend into the crowd
So they won’t see you.
If they do
They’ll judge you
Every move
Every breathe
They’re judging you.
Your name is called
Just walk past
Quicker
Hurry
Before they notice
That you’re
not the same.
Leave behind
Any thoughts of fitting in
Because
this is you
And if you aren’t
Completely silent
They might notice you.

I took every ******* word you said like gospel
worshiping every hidden insult and all of your
manipulative teary eyed complaints about life.

I loved every time you told me I was worthless
in that stupid shadowy way you had and still I
would just as quickly fall to my knees for you.

I laughed at all the abstruse ways you pushed me
around like a rag doll for your enjoyment just
a play thing for you to use whenever you'd like.

I treated you like my god in disguise and then
I came to realize that you were never my god
only an demon trying to corrupt my weak mind.

I don't want to know
what your skin tastes like
under my lips  
covered in sweat.

I don't want to know
the way you feel
in the darkness
closely against me

I don't want to know
the sound of your
sighs as they mix
with mine.

I don't want to know
you every inch
of you every little
piece of who you are.

I don't want to know
the way it feels
to be curled beside you
as we sleep.

I don't want to know
how easily you
can just toss me
aside now a days.

I don't want to know
that you just look
through me
after all we were

I don't want to know
all the thing I do now
but it seems I
can't forget.

where did my pride go?
Is it lost in that space
Between **** and pure?
Or did I leave it with
The only boy I loved?
I think it’s beneath
Where I would kneel
On the concrete so
That he could feel
In control of something.

Maybe I left it in
The crack between
Some stranger's bed
And the wall beside us.
Were his parents
On the other side of
The wall completely
Unaware of us?

It might be in the
Bag with a purple dress
I bought just for him and
Will never wear again,
A dress I hated and
A night I hated
even more
But it was for him.

No, I left it on the nightstand
Of a boy who never
Treated me like a human
But still I gave him second,
Third, twentieth chances
Because he “loved me”
And I was a weak little
Girl scared and
Confused as to how
You count love in bruises.


Still it might be
Between the seats of
A faded couch in
My aunt's basement
Surrounded by my blood
And her fiance's
Lust for his teen years
To be revived in a girl
Just turned fourteen,
Only two years older
Than his own daughter.


I’m not sure where
I left it, but
I won’t find it again now.

I found you
In a puddle of
Spilled coffee
White with milk.

I found you
In the pages
Of a notebook
Over silent words.

I found you
At the bottom
Of my pocket
Alone and small.


I found you
In the music
That blares closely
At my ears.

I found you
In the code red
Induced fog of
Three AM poetry.

I found you
In the swaying
Of the trees as
Summer makes fall.

I found you
On a rock at
The bottom of
A green slide.

I found you
On the sidewalk
Blown around
By September winds.

I found you
As I always
do in the
oddest ways.

Small white lines of indented flesh,
They spell out the words I heard
And could never speak of
Memories I refuse to reimagine
Not in my wildest dreams
Bringing me back to this moment
Contemplating the very edge
Of existence, over and over
Never daring to step past
Too scared of what lies
Just beyond these white lines.