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Aug 2018 · 344
The Quiet Warrior
“Once more unto the breach,” echoes from within.

Cast away your anxious thoughts, don’t let negativity breed within your skin

Only positivity from here on out, a new strategy for an old plan

You are the decider of your future, you are the eye of the beholder, will this break you or make you?

Only you will tell, though you are a quiet soul

Soak up the rays of the sun

Let the light fuel you in the hardest times

Remember what it feels like

For you are the quiet warrior, blood of your demons stains your sword

A savage for the good of all

Ghosts of the past invade gentle nightfall

Remember how you conquered, never faltered, and smile

The past can only persuade you to try harder, your demons are only your fodder

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,” gently slips through your lips

Your next war draws nigh; Blood drips from fingertips
Aug 2018 · 302
Keep the Change
I’ve been in the market for happiness,
and I’ve decided I won’t tell life to keep the change this time

Instead, I will reach into my pockets,
and examine every lucky coin

Keeping my restless hands at bay
if I don’t like the change I received, I will flip those coins

Be calmed by their gentle clinking noise

I will not remain stagnant in these idle waters

I will make waves

I will float to the surface with the happiness I purchased with change, at peace one day
Change is a vital part of life
Jun 2018 · 372
Chronic or Histrionic
Seeing stars while standing still,
There’s no denying that you’re ill,
Denial persists, stabs and twists
You stand in a fog a filled abyss
Searching for words, but instead you just drift
Empty handed time after time
You feed yourself lies and pills, there’s no denying that you’re ill,

More doctors than friends, you try so hard not to let the pain in
Chronic or Histrionic, whose to say in the end?
Rhetorical epiphanies are your oldest friend

Seeing stars while standing still,
The beholder’s eyes find solace in nature’s will
Jun 2018 · 540
Mourning Glory
Inside jokes,
Once brought laughter to few,
Confusion to many

Now inside of an empty space,
Bringing laughter to none,
A sharp pang of pain to some

Although a testament to the good times,
They now only bring tears to my eyes

Caught up in grieving those that still walk around
I used to think mourning only grew from the other side of the ground
It doesn’t take a death to wake this Banshee’s sound
Her screech, a sign of a friendship put down
Nothing learned nothing gained
The only lesson taught was that there’s always room for more pain
i never thought it could be so painful to mourn those that are still among us
May 2018 · 460
On Loop
Heavy hearts beat louder at night
Shines a light on feelings left unidentified
Damp pillows, clenched fists, the signs of bad memories, too stubborn to quit

Projected onto the ceiling of my mind,
A film reel plays of the times of my life
Tortured history, dotted with melancholy tragedies

Not a sob story, at least not yet
I tuck my regrets in at night
Unsure of who will get smothered first
A bet I’m willing to make, if it means a nights rest
Jan 2018 · 291
Like Pulling Teeth
The words I seek lie beneath
Row on row of ground down teeth
Separating flesh from bone
Burdens carried long from home
Letters strung on golden thread
Woven from heart, leading to head
When will all the words unsaid
Return from rapture; nothing left to dread
Dandelion spirit, and a thorny rose fighter.

You can't go carelessly picking up flowers without expecting one to be a biter.

For every petal that wilts, you'll get a sting.

Prickly thorns clinging to every single thing.

Nature can be soft and sweet, but in every beautiful landscape there is a nearby guarding beast.

You cannot deceive flowers, for you are already deceived.

The petals sheild a warrior, and their sword is hungry to feed.
for ashley, one of my closest friends in the world and perhaps the one i hold closest to my heart. sometimes my maternal instincts take over and i feel the need to protect you from everything i can, but then i remember, you are so much stronger than youre given credit for. i'm so proud of you! i love you! thank you for being apart of my life
May 2017 · 398
U N L O C K E D
If my heart had a lock,
you wouldn't need the key.

Your way with words, and gentle touch, leaves me in pure serenity.

All walls fall right down, becoming one with the earth, one with the ground.

Entirely exposed, no barriers left to surround,

I am yours. Wrists and ankles unbound.

You are all the security I need, your arms the epitome of safety.

My lover, protector, and source of wonder,

My heart needs no key, for you to read.
Mar 2017 · 984
Grind My Gears
Gears come in all shapes and size,

Your hips move along with mine,

We'd make a perfect machine.

We'll show the world what love looks like,

Baby, you can grind my gears anytime.
I used to think love was when someone gave you a warm tingly feeling,
If cherry chap-stick erupted into an emotion,
If cotton candy could bleed.

Now I know that love is heavy.
Love is heavy and sweet, with occasional bitter layers in between; love has a mouth on it.
Love will keep you in line.
Love will blur the lines entirely but still expect you to remain inside
them.
When you feel love, you become drenched in it, you are simply sopping wet with irrational decisions spawned out of love.
It is a weight I will gladly carry.
I will walk into the ocean with no stopping in sight carrying armfuls of love.
I have cried so many tears for you that you will never see.

I have prayed so many times for you to a God that neither of us actually believe in.

I would’ve sacrificed my life,
my dreams,
every single one of my fingers that you’ve called ‘adorable,'
all just to make you happy for a moment.

And yet,
you still left.

And yet,
I wasn’t surprised.

And yet,
I’d do it all again.
And yet, I miss you every single day knowing you took me for granted
Nov 2016 · 1.3k
Perception is Reality
Did you see the same beauty I saw while looking through the camera lens?
Did you feel my heart beat to the speed of fluttering butterfly wings as we held hands?
Did you feel me break like a crumbling tombstone?
Something to acknowledge what is gone, now gone for good.
Did you feel my ribs shatter with the velocity of a car crashing into a liquor store, torso ****** forwards, collarbone hits the steering wheel and for the first time you hear the silence.
Did you understand how I felt?
Do you now?
Oct 2016 · 1.0k
An Angel On Request
You led me to safety, with white knuckles and wobbling knees

No matter your state of being you always put my peace of mind first

You were open and straightforward, telling me every word of your life story, omitting no nitty gritty details

You told me you were only honest with me

And I had no reason to think differently

But if that's true, I think there might be more to pursue, I think we might be exploring the wrong avenues

I admire so much about you, your generosity, your intentions, your honesty and ambitions

You are my safety net, an angel on request

You are dependability when no one has stepped up yet

You're one of the best I know, and I'm so glad to have you in my life, no matter what's in between the lines.

I won't long for more than I have, because not many are lucky enough to have a friend as good as mine.
i really do value you as a person, and value our friendship more than you could ever know. ily bud
Sep 2016 · 3.4k
Don't Forget Your Roots
I choose where my roots grow.
I choose what paths they follow.
"Don't forget your roots."
What if I haven't laid them yet?
"Don't forget your roots."
What if they were dying and broken?

Sometimes we all need a bigger *** to grow in.

"Don't forget your roots."
What if they were slowly creeping around my neck, becoming my noose, could I cut them then?
"Don't forget your roots."
Not all soil is alike, not all soil is fertilized for every plant to grow right.
"Don't forget your roots."
What if they're why I'm like this?
"Don't forget your roots."
Don't you understand they're why I'm choking?
Have I been forgotten more than I’ve been remembered?
I’m afraid to ask but feel the gentle nudge of my overthinking little demon telling me I need to know. I want to preserve. That is my goal ultimately. Preserve my life, preserve my memories. If only I had done it sooner, maybe I could remember my own Mother’s voice. Maybe I could remember who I am. What I want to be. I am built of choices and principles that I am not entirely sure I agree with, but have I ever been entirely sure about anything? Uncertainty is my main anxiety, uncertainty is my most well established feeling, for there is no doubt in my mind that I am uncertain when I’m uncertain. Or maybe there is. I want to see color on my cheeks, happiness on my lips that shows with every word I say, a body I feel blessed to have no matter my weight. I want to taste happy. I want to taste it in all of its mellow waves of sweet fruit and darting sunsets. I want to taste the Caribbean Sea mixed with sweaty hands and palm trees. I want to be happy. That’s who I want to be. I know there’s no ending that ends with “Well kids, she did it! She found happiness and became nothing but an overflowing beam of light flooding those she loved with warmth and growth and the support she always wished she could give. She found happy.” But if I could just get a taste, a whiff of happiness, maybe that would be enough. Maybe then I could move on and pursue my next dream. Maybe if I caught a glance of happy I would gain the strength to fix our economy. I don’t want happy to be my “The End,” I want happy to be my “Sorry for the technical difficulties, now ladies and gentlemen, on with the show.” I want it to be what gives me the strength to do everything else. Maybe it’s nonsense, only a dream with no bearing to reality. Or maybe I am simply overlooking, overthinking, everything over, look down, look down! Stop being “Over,” things, you are over nothing, you are not the sky nor the clouds in it, you are not the highest branches nor the leaves that remain on it. You are the ground. The very definition of grounded. People walk on you because you let them, it makes you happy. People often see you as *****. You are the ground, which means you are necessary, you are what holds us together, quite literally. You are the ground, and that's makes you beautiful. You’re not intimidated by the footsteps of a thousand warriors for you are under them. And for once, that means you have the advantage. You are the ground. It is short and sweet, so why do you still manage to find misery? You are the ground from which happiness grows. I am happiness. You found me.
this isn't where i planned on this going but i like how it turned out
I hear the motor humming in the background

I hear the chirps from the morning birds, and even they don't sound enthusiastic about the time of day

I can hear your mom scratching bug bites on her arm. She scratches, digs, and scrapes, as if she is expecting to find something.

Bottles of sweet tea sit rattling next to me, clanking with each bump in the road, with each jump of my heart.

I hear brakes screeching to a slow stop, with a desperateness that reminds me of my darkest moments, my cries that no one witnessed, the tears that fell without acknowledgement.

The sun has yet to warm the world this morning, but it still casts its light on my arms, making my sunburn tingle but reminding me I'm alive

I can smell your great grandmother's perfume from when she hugged me so tight, reminding me of a family I never had.

I can smell the ocean, feel the grit of sand in the car. No matter how hard you try, we all take a bit of the beach home with us. It's salty waters one day blend with our salty tears.

But all I care to hear
Are your sweet shallow yawns and breathing. As long as you're breathing that's always all I need.

I think I could very well tackle anything if I knew all the time that you were alive, content, and happy.

I feel the need to give you an apology, for what I truly do not know. But whatever it is, I am genuinely sorry. Please, never let yourself go. Learn to love yourself as I love you.
the ride home on 7/5/2016,
Jun 2016 · 667
Keep Me In Motion
How the hell am I supposed to move on,
when you've been the only thing
keeping me going for this long?

Please,

Keep me in motion,
Don't let me sit still,
I need to feel the moving air,
To remind myself I'm alive.

I am not a finished product,
But still a work in progress.
You reminded me
I didn't need to be perfect,
to be whole.

It's okay to be exactly
who I am this minute,
nothing more,
and nothing less.

Just enough.

I need you to
Keep reminding me,
That I am enough.
Jun 2016 · 946
I Was Never Yours
You’ve made me doubt love.
You’ve made me doubt everything.
Your lies spin in my head all day,
"How did you not see it coming,"
"Why didn’t you see the signs,"
I blame myself for your mess.
Your lies I trusted with my dying breath.
You never said you were sorry.
You never tried to explain.
You just left when you got busted
with not so much as a goodbye.
Just suddenly,
you were no longer a part of my life.
So much planning went into you deceiving me,
and I hope just as much planning
is put into your future misery.

PS: I Was Never Yours.
Maybe you were a catalyst for my growth, or maybe you were nothing but lies and pain from the start.

(PSS: *******, Dylan.)
Jun 2016 · 4.1k
Transparent
My identity was stolen
by God.

I have no sense of self,
no sense of purpose,
every personality trait of mine
is nearly reflecting
from a nearby shiny surface.

I crave individuality,
to feel like I'm a person.
I was born a blank canvas
inside and out.
Whenever I try to decorate myself
it doesn't feel like self-expression.
It feels like plagiarism.
It feels like copying someone
else's hard earned work.
For how can I express myself,
when I have no ******* clue who I am?

Supposedly, I just have to "find myself,"
But along with no identity,
I have no sense of direction.
So I wander,
and I wander,
and I wander.
I think
until my brain bleeds.
I think
until my eyes close.
And it all grows
quiet.

It all grows
white.

It all grows
into nothing.

So maybe,

I found myself

after all.
Jun 2016 · 1.0k
A Dance With Dependence
Dependence. I danced with dependence that night. A disgusting word on its own, but when you say co-dependence, now it sounds nicer, right? It sounds more socially acceptable. It sounds like adoration. But I hear heartbreak. I hear one misstep and the whole dance crumbles. I hear stepping on toes and twisting ankles. I hear broken sobs, and a strained "I'm sorry." I feel the pain that courses through your whole entire body. I feel the vibration of the living earth, and the struggling breaths just trying to get some **** air into those stubborn lungs. But you're still thinking about how soft his hands were and how you'll never get to feel them again. I hear disaster. I hear "What now?" I hear grieving. I feel his hands.
To the girl I will never see again,

I didn't even get your name, but I feel so certain it was beautiful.
You were tiny and angelic, but in no way fragile.
You had a smile that lit up the entire concert even when the lights were dim.
I am grateful to have met you, if only for one evening.
You barely came up to my shoulder, and I am in no way tall,
But somehow, you still seemed stronger than anyone else there.
Your makeup was perfect, when I was entirely drenched in other people's sweat.
Every time you could tell I was scared, you pulled me out of the pit.
Whenever a guy was getting a little too close to me, you pulled me away instantaneously.
You made sure if anyone had water, that I got a sip.
You cared, but why?
Why in the world would you have picked me of all people to make sure I was safe all night?
This was both of our favorite bands,
But you made sure I did more than survive the night.
You made sure I was happy the whole way through.
The lights reflected on your bright red hair,
Reminding me why we associate red with love.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
But I believe that you cared about me.
And I don't know why.
But I surely care about you too.
I wish you hadn't have gotten lost in a sea of people during the encore.
I wish I had gotten your name.
I wish I had gotten to know you.
May we cross paths again, my "For One Night Only" friend.
she was awesome, i hope she finds so much happiness in life. she really seemed like she deserved it.
May 2016 · 671
Gouged Out Eyes
These kids are covered in the dried blood of their brothers and mothers.
They scrub, they scrub, but it won't come off.
They cut their skin to try to wash it off from the inside out,
Dissolve the blood with more blood.
It's the only way you won't see it anymore.
Staring back at you with gouged out eyes,
The old blood will seep deep inside.
You invited it in,
With that door you opened in your skin.
It's inside you now.
The only way to get rid of it is to cut off all sound.
Cut off all oxygen.
Your body is your home, and this intruder is setting it on fire.
Your favorite belt will serve as liquid nitrogen to this unwelcome visitor.
With a bunny knot,
And a single hop,
You can finally see your mother's eyes.
Everything reminds me of you, and ****, do I love it or do I hate it? It hurts, but it's worth the pain. Because for just a moment, things are how they used to be. We are holding hands, I can feel your heartbeat, you keep glancing at my mouth when we're talking. And my God...My God I cannot put into words how much I miss it. But right now, I'm standing in the street where we were once laying, limbs entwined, warm despite the cool breeze, looking at the stars at two in the morning. Now I am standing here and it is no longer Winter, but I can still feel the coldness.
maybe i'll always miss you. maybe that's okay.
They say, "There are plenty of fish in the sea," but you see, I assure you, I am no longer in the sea, I am on the dock barely breathing.

When you left me all alone, I flopped out of the water in a full blown panic, with every text you did not open I launched myself into the air trying to remember how to breath. With every day we did not speak I grew weaker, oxygen deprived, you were my air supply. Flopping, flopping, gasping, and desperately grabbing onto any part of you I had left, I no longer felt alive, have I already tasted the bitterness of death? All I think about all day on the gritty dock is our best memories and the secrets you unlocked for me, we had something so pure and good; and then reality comes flooding back in the form of a panic attack, why am I not good enough, how the hell do you not miss me, where is your pain and your misery? Flop, flop, until finally it stops. I have been lulled into a disgusting dream, one where we do not speak, and this is supposed to be reality. I can no longer breathe. I am a fish out of water, with no more wounds left to bleed. I am dried out. Entirely. No more tears, air, or life can be found inside me. Please, Dear God someone put me back in the sea. Let us reabsorb the love that has inevitably left me to plead. But no, friend, carry on, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There just is no longer me.
you are my bestfriend, i miss you so ******* much. i wish i could be ****** at you but i love you too much. please talk to me again, i dont deserve this and neither do you. this is neither of our faults. forgive yourself.
Apr 2016 · 633
Painful Proximity
He said "I'm sorry," for the third time that night.

I said through broken sobs, hands rested on a tear soaked pillow, "There is no need to apologize friend, you did nothing wrong, we're fine."

He had been typing for a while before he said, "I just kinda owe it to her, ya know?" I decided to not make a tally of all the promises he has made me, and instead I said, "Yeah, totally. You've gotten better at taking responsibility."

I decided not to focus on the night before, when we held hands crying out pained words, emotionally charged from the whole concert, but the focus was still on our sweaty hands gripping each other tighter with every word that reminded us of each other. I decided to not remember him wrapping his arms around me, pulling me tighter, tighter, because we just could not seem to get close enough to one another. I chose to ignore how I could still feel his hands gripping my shoulders. I decided to neglect all the memories that were always too good to be.

Next thing I know, we're on the phone, I needed to hear your voice, I needed to remember I wasn't all alone. He said, "I hate this, I thought making a decision would make things easier, but it didn't, it just hurt you, that's literally all it did." Suddenly I switched gears, I turned off the tears, and reassured him that this was pain I could handle, dear. Just try to relax, it'll all be in the past soon, just go outside and look at the full moon, remember we will survive this too. He said, "I still have feelings for you ya know. I just made this decision because I owe it to her, that's the only reason. And we might be together one day, who knows."

"Yeah, I know," I said trying not to cry, but that hurt worst of it all. Holding onto hope I should've already let go of. Holding onto rope wrapped around my neck, waiting for that day. I felt comforted but pained. I felt sad, and just plain tired of feeling. I fell asleep that night holding a phone to my face, listening to his breathing.
i need you still. i miss you so much more than i should. this hurts so much worse than i ever thought it could.
Mar 2016 · 443
I Should Really Get Going
my emotions are a seesaw
why don't you have a seat
take a ride with me
as we prepare for our final sleep
my head is spinning
like a top that just set alight
will you be my firefighter
and extinguish me every night
remind me I'll be fine

these feelings are unholy
question the essence that makes me more than boring
restless and unsatisfied, totally mystified
i am scared to die, but aren't I supposed to face my fears?
I can't make eye contact anymore
do you think death would accept my prayer?

you are the one thing I can't leave behind
so I'll hold your hand while you hold mine
why am I still so petrified?
is the lack there of a myth made up by the great divine?
who will answer these questions of mine?
I've been in line this whole **** time
well guys, I've got quite the mountain to climb
I should really get going before its my time
Mar 2016 · 364
The Life of a Star
I woke up and your face was an inch away from mine
I pulled up your covers to make sure you were warm
And nudged your face over a couple of inches
I was content
Which is such a rare and treasured sensation
Almost as rare and treasured as you
At that moment you broke me out of my fantasy
You in your sleep kicked me in the knee
I kicked you right back
Because you're my bestfriend
And I'll always return the favor
Last night we were lying in the middle of the street in my neighborhood
Pointing to stars and making up their life story
Describing how they lived and how they died
Our limbs were entwined
We were warm despite the cold breeze
With every headlight that passed us
Every lingering stare
We laughed absurdly
Wondering what they must have thought
About two kids lying in the middle of the street
Legs tangled, at two in the morning

And yet you still wonder
Why everyone thinks we are dating
Mar 2016 · 767
Side Effects
Loops feel cursed to me,
I've been living in them for God knows how many weeks,
I'd do anything to break the pattern,
anything to make them scatter,
I've been picking the scab on my chin for an hour,
You won't read my texts anymore,

Everything I eat,
no matter how sweet,
tastes sour,
Probably a side effect again,
Isn't it always in the end?
Just a side effect again.

I've been spelling words inside my head,
It makes me feel crazy but the patterns will save me,
Just make this all stop please,
I'm tired of this repetitive clicking,
It's really really itching,
I can't breathe

It's just the side effects again
They always say it is in the end.
Feb 2016 · 1.5k
Valentine's and Suicide
I've heard people say countless times that Valentine's Day isn't easy for everyone

referring of course to the single people out there

but my name was never mentioned regardless of my relationship status,

because I was a special situation

three years ago to the day, my mother committed suicide

three long and somehow short years ago my mother took both her life, and a good chunk of mine

no chocolates

flowers

cards

or "I'm sorry"

can make me have a Happy Valentine's Day

on days filled with roses and kisses,

my day will be filled with sobs of regret and glimpses of similarities in mine and my mother's situation,

the desire for everything to stand still

on days filled with romance and anticipation you can find me trying my best to stay distracted, and failing at it one hundred percent.

on days of love, you can find me wishing for death.
Feb 2016 · 4.8k
My Skeleton
I swear I could visualize my skeleton
With so much more clarity than before
I could see how whole it was
Despite all my missing parts
My skeleton keeps on flowing through the motions,
The same bones groove together with purpose.
I owe my surprisingly healthy bones more than I give
I feel more whole as a skeleton
Please remove the rest
My motions will be smooth and conscious
Like water dripping from the faucet,
my fingers will tap with impatience.
Like a wheel tumbling down a hill,
My old bones will follow
They are the key to freedom
No wonder.
The key that opens every door
Is called the skeleton key.
Feb 2016 · 432
Mother's Days
Vanilla hangs in the air and dances,
Making itself at home,
Paint stains her skin and desires,
Bubbling with creativity, boiling over with dreams,
Dark demons cling to the corners,
She pushes them back, ignore, ignore,
Tingling with entrancements she trounces forwards,
Leaving her tortures in the depths,
Swishing swirls cover her page radiating a euphoric glow,
Does she paint the light to rebuke the dark?
Or does she simply wish to meld the two in a crossed road of idolized evil?
Feb 2016 · 474
sdrawkcaB
My stomach hurts rhythmically, my heart beats when it wants

I never sleep when I want to and I choose the stressful nights to try

My blood flows backwards,

I choke on my words, and my food, and your name, and the truth

I’m an inside out backwards ******* fool; I see both wheels going left when I’m not supposed to

I see your hate when I should see your love

I am my own hero and nemesis in a single comic strip

I trip on my feet, and swallow my tongue, I bite my finger until it goes numb

My ears don’t ring, they hiss

I’m not a lemon, I’m poison

I’m a mislabeled bottle of hazardous chemicals

I am something that should’ve been recalled
Feb 2016 · 614
Not Dreams, Nor Nightmares
How can a hand I haven't held in so long feel more real than my own?
How can the flashing of blurry images made up of fears and desires draw out more emotion than entire days passed?
How can a voice you should never hear speak new words again contradict all logic?
You can’t call them dreams; you can’t call them nightmares.
They are a newly evolved breed of unreality.
Silhouettes, and gentle lines, represent an entire human.
An entire life conveyed in simple, thoughtless strokes.
How can they control me that much?
Feb 2016 · 314
A Bed of Nothing
Galaxies separate us, but all that separates me from earth now,

Is my tightly wound, dizzy head,

And the dreaminess of my unused bed.

Staggering stars set me alight, I will not burn up, I will not allow.

The Milky Way’s haze has overtaken me, they say I belong, I disavow.

A Lunar Eclipse stole the mist that has been running through my veins, am I dead?

A Super Nova spoke with much pain, that I am alone now wrapped in their thread.

I weep shooting stars; they leave burns down my cheeks, all of space takes a slow bow.

Did somewhere along the way I forget how to sleep?

Am I lost in a land of unimaginable beauty and misery?

I used to be afraid of the dark night, but now I see that I was afraid of all unknown.

It’s just contrast, a vast sea of endless light, and the sleep I’ve lost that goes miles deep.

The clouds mock me with their pillow like appearance, for once I am
above them, and I inflict the injury.

The moon shines gently as I sleep for the first time as a part of space, I am a star that will grow and never be alone.
This was written when I was incredibly sleep deprived, and was cursing insomnia every second of every day.

— The End —